Insp. Jacques Clouseau Quotes in The Pink Panther 2 (2009)

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And she does not think she is pretty... And I can never tell her that she is pretty, otherwise...

Ponton: Otherwise, what?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: If she knew how pretty she is, she might choose someone other than me.

[from trailer]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Let me bring you up to speed... We know nothing. You are now up to speed.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And now, there is a crime scene waiting... Excuse me, el sceno de crimo.

Vicenzo: That is not Italian and I do speaka English.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Oh really? Prove it!

Kenji: Have we decided on lunch?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I'm sure you'll be wanting sushi, my little yellow friend!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And your name?

Vicenzo: Vicenzo Roccara Squarcialupi Brancaleone.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Oh... That is your name. I thought you were ordering in Italian. Once again.

Vicenzo: Vicenzo Roccara Squarcialupi Brancaleone.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Vicen tam-ta-da-tam-tam Don Corleone

Pepperidge: Tell me, how did you enjoy your trip to the *airport*?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [holding his stamped hand to his chin in thought] Now, how did you know that?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I am now leaving France. This is a bad idea.

[steps over "You are now leaving France" line in airport]

TV Announcer: The legendary Pink Panther diamond has been stolen.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: What'd I tell you?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Would you - even though it may lead to injury - marry me?

Vicenzo: Clouseau, you are a lover. And Nicole is a woman for a lifetime, a woman to have the babies with.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: To have the babies? To have the babies?

Vicenzo: Yes, lots and lots of the babies... All day long the babies. *Walks away*

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: ...All day long the babies?

Pepperidge: Gentlemen, we first have to determine how the crime was committed. And as I am an expert at deduction...

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You are an expert at deduction?

Pepperidge: That is my field.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I believe deduction is my field, and since you are experiencing hip pain...

Pepperidge: How did you know that?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: One side of the sole of your shoe is more worn than the other; you're favoring your right leg.

Pepperidge: Tell me, did you enjoy your double espresso this morning?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: How did you...

Pepperidge: Your pupils are noticeably dilated.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And will you be moving out of the Hotel Montmartre? They are doing construction at night around the Montmartre so as not to disturb daytime traffic. From your puffy eyes, I deduce you spent a sleepless night.

Pepperidge: Speaking of traffic, are you enjoying your Smart car? Your trousers are wrinkled behind the knees.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And how do you think your favorite football team, Arsenal, will do this year? That matchbox is from the only bar in Paris that shows English football telecasts.

Pepperidge: You have tissues in your shoes to make you look taller.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You were finally 14 before you finally learned to enjoy avocado.

Pepperidge: Tell me, how did you enjoy your trip to the airport this morning?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Now, how did you know that?

[the airport stamp on Clouseau's hand is visible to everyone]

Ponton: Perhaps one of you should begin.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, this is silly.

Pepperidge: You've recently lost your favorite cheese grater.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You have an aversion to cow bells!

Vicenzo: Stop the insanity and look at this:

[Vincenzo picks up a piece of broken glass]

Vicenzo: Il Tornado is not as careful as he thinks.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You are under arrest!

Sonia: Let me go, or I will destroy it.

[Sonia takes what she believes to be the Pink Panther from her purse, and draws a gun]

Dreyfus: Let her go.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Let her do it.

Dreyfus: [shocked] Are you insane?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Sonia tosses what appears to be the Pink Panther into the air, shooting it into millions of fragments; she attempts to run into a hallway, only for Ponton to hit her face with a metal serving tray] Good work, Ponton.

Ponton: Thank you.

Dreyfus: You moron! You twerp! You sad excuse for a human being! You have just destroyed the sacred symbol of France!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Ponton, did you bring what I asked for? Boys...

[Louis and Antoine bring a small jewelry case]

Louis: Here it is, Uncle Jacques.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, yes.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I knew the Tornado would eventually come after the Pink Panther, so I went to the museé with a simple plan in mind. I had convinced my old friend, Robert the night guard, to turn off the security system for the few moments necessary to save the most beautiful object in France. I then switched the Pink Panther with the replica I had at home.

[Clouseau takes the real Pink Panther from the case]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: This is the real Pink Panther. It was the fake that was stolen.

Dreyfus: [to himself] Nightmare, nightmare.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And when the Tornado, an expert on the quality of gems, wrote in his supposed suicide note of its great beauty, I knew he could never have been the thief; he would have recognized it as a fake.

Vicenzo: How did you figure out it was Sonia?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: It was because I spent the last 17 months on parking duty.

Dreyfus: What?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Today I was staring at Miss Solandres' license plate. I recognized it because of my... unique system of cross-referencing. I became aware that I had given a parking ticket to the same car, two days before Miss Solandres claimed she arrived in Paris... one day before the Pink Panther was stolen.

[the guests applaud Clouseau, who has just thwarted Sonia Solandres]

Dreyfus: You followed my instructions very well, Clouseau. It was I, of course, who put Clouseau onto the parking ticket assignment. Isn't that so, Inspector?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No.

[Clouseau winks at Chief Inspector Dreyfus, who instructed him to deny any knowledge of the assignment]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And at Avellaneda's mansion, when I sensed the presence of the Tornado, he was there, all right. But it was not a he, it was a she!

[the guests and the Dream Team applaud Clouseau's success]

[first lines]

British Librarian: [inside the British Library] I now bring to your attention one of the most stunning treasures inside the British Library's entire collection: the Magna Carta.

[the tourists murmur at the stolen Magna Carta display, with The Tornado's calling card left at the scene]

Turin Guide: [inside the Turin Chapel] And now, over here, perhaps the most cherished ancient artifact in the Western world: the Shroud of Turin.

[the tourists gasp at the empty display case, with the Tornado's calling card at the scene of the crime]

Japanese Curator: [inside the Kyoto palace, where the policemen and museum curator arrive at the scene; the curator gasps as The Tornado has left another calling card where the Imperial Sword has been stolen] The Imperial sword!

Joubert's Secretary: [at the French government offices in Paris, to Joubert] Chief Inspector Dreyfus is here to see you.

Joubert: Chief Inspector.

Dreyfus: Sir.

Joubert: I'm sure you know why you're here: the British, the Italians, and the Japanese are assembling an elite squad of their finest detectives, an international Dream Team to track down this... Tornado.

Dreyfus: And, uh, France will be represented?

Joubert: Exactly.

Dreyfus: I am honored, but not surprised. This is the culmination of my career... the moment that I've been waititing for all my life.

Joubert: No, no, no.

Dreyfus: Well, not all my life, perhaps...

Joubert: No, no...

Dreyfus: No, nevertheless...

Joubert: They want Clouseau, since he is considered the top detective in the world. We have been asked if Clouseau is available to lead the Dream Team.

Dreyfus: Clouseau?

Joubert: Yes, yes.

[Dreyfus remains silent from shock at the mention of Clouseau's name]

Joubert: Is there something wrong?

Dreyfus: No, no, not at all. Um, would you mind if I uh, use your bathroom just for a moment?

Joubert: Certainly.

Dreyfus: Thank you.

[Dreyfus leaves Joubert's office and enters a bathroom]

Dreyfus: Clouseau...

[Dreyfus bangs his head on the wall and sink counter in frustration, then pushes the toilet's handle; a moment later, he re-enters Joubert's office]

Dreyfus: I'm afraid, sir, that Clouseau is currently occupied.

Joubert: What?

Dreyfus: I've assigned him to a mission so important for our country, that I fear for our national security if he was taken off it.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau is on parking meter duty in a park near the Eiffel Tower; he takes out a tape measure, and measures the distance between a parked car and the curb] Clearly a violation, parking ticket.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau checks the parking meter and measures the distance between the car and the curb] Clearly a violation!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Parking ticket.

Ticketed Driver: What is this for?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [the driver gets into his car] 31 centimeters from the curb, 9 centimeters too far. 9 centimeters into the seamy black underbelly of crime.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau tries to put the parking ticket on the driver's windshield, but he activates his wipers and sprays Clouseau with window cleaning fluid as Clouseau tries to put the ticket through the car's window] Gah! Ugh! You must take the ticket! Take it!

Ticketed Driver: Never!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [the driver rolls up his window] You must take the ticket! Ow!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [the driver starts his car, with Clouseau's arm caught in the car's window as the car drives away; Clouseau laughs] You're not wearing your seatbelt! You are going to have to go to traffic school!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau gets a newspaper stuck on his face] Whoooah...

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Oops, pardon me! Whoa...

[Clouseau walks along the side of a moving van and over a piano's keys, accidentally kicking the van driver's face, playing a few notes of The Pink Panther theme]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Stop this car immediately!

Ticketed Driver: Okay.

[the driver stops the car, sending Clouseau flying to the other side of the River Seine]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Whoooah!

Dreyfus: [Chief Inspector Dreyfus is talking on the phone while his portrait is hung over the newly-installed security system] Right.

Dreyfus: [Dreyfus hangs up] Are you finished yet?

Security Installer: Complete and operational.

Renard: Chief Inspector, your new system will monitor and record every word and every movement in this room.

Dreyfus: So, uh, if anyone breaks in, what happens?

Renard: Your office is linked to the elite Black Berets; they will be here in seconds.

Woman on intercom: [the intercom buzzes] Sir, Inspector Clouseau is here to see you.

Dreyfus: Send him in.

Renard: Clouseau?

Dreyfus: I have to appoint him to the Dream Team.

Renard: Clouseau?

Dreyfus: [stammers] Dont, don't ask, don't-...

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau enters Dreyfus's office] Good afternoon, Chief Inspector, I'm here with my report.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau's file folder gets caught up in his Medal of Honor ribbon; he pronounces the 'H' in honor instead of the usual silent 'H' French pronunciation] This darn Medal of Honor! You are so fortunate you never got one, Chief Inspector. You look so tidy having no honors or other forms of distinguishing décor.

Dreyfus: Why don't you wear it under your shirt; you know, out of sight?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Brilliant idea, Chief Inspector; that way, it won't clang around. Now, the parking ticket situation. Over the last 6 weeks, I've given out almost 4 parking tickets: one at the Musée, overtime, and one, you'll recall, to you, in violation of the bent license plate law.

Dreyfus: Yes, I recall.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: It's all there in the report.

Dreyfus: Fascinating! Well, I shall waste no time in reading it.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And just in case, I've deftly catalogued, numbered, and cross-referenced each offense here in my little black book.

Dreyfus: Now Clouseau, you remember... when I first put you on that parking ticket detail...

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes; you explained it was a top-level assignment.

Dreyfus: And that if anyone ever asked you if I was the one who had assigned you to this incredibly important mission, you would deny it?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau acts as though he was denying any involvement in the assignment] Why Chief Inspector, I don't even know what you are talking about.

Dreyfus: [Clouseau jokingly winks at Dreyfus in acknowledgement] Good work, Clouseau.

Dreyfus: Now, to, uh... to business.

Dreyfus: [Clouseau holds his pen in the air, it makes a slight beeping sound] I have been, uh, instructed to re-assign you to...

Dreyfus: [the beeping sound grows stronger] Clouseau? Clouseau...

Dreyfus: [Clouseau starts tossing his pen and objects from Dreyfus's desk at the security cameras and ripping Dreyfus's portrait to remove the tape recorder] Aahhhh...

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: We were being recorded!

Renard: [Dreyfus whimpers as the Black Berets break through Dreyfus's office windows] The Black Berets!

Black Beret: [yelling] The password! What is the password?

Dreyfus: I don't know!

Black Beret: [the agent subdues Dreyfus for interrogation] Four! Three!

Renard: We weren't yet told!

Black Beret: Two! One!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau looks at the back of his Medal of Honor and mispronounces "Hamburger"] Amburgar!

Black Beret: Have a nice day.

[the agents leave Dreyfus's office]

Dreyfus: The password was "hamburger"?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No, "amburgar".

Dreyfus: I said "hamburger".

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [repeating Dreyfus's mispronunciation] No, you said "amburger".

Dreyfus: Amburger?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No, "am-bur-grr".

Dreyfus: What - How did you know that we were being recorded?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Ah, easy, Inspector: this pen emits a small 'bipping' noise whenever it detects 'meecrowaves'. Radio Shack, $12.

Dreyfus: What - How did you know the password?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: This little LED chip decodes passwords; I had it attached to the back of my Medal of 'Hon-nor'.

Renard: Radio Shack?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau takes what appears to be a small tape recorder from his pocket] eBay; I got this there, too. What do you think this is?

Renard: A tape recorder?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No. It only looks like a tape recorder; it's actually a pen.

Renard: So you can write with it, and no one will know.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Bingo!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Now, you were saying, Inspector.

Dreyfus: Eh, you are being re-assigned.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Let me read your mind: the Tornado is at large, and you want me to protect the Pink Panther.

Dreyfus: No.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No?

Dreyfus: It is my job to protect the Pink Panther. You've merely been re-assigned to the Dream Team.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Oh, that is quite an honor, but I cannot accept.

Dreyfus: What?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: If Inspector Clouseau were to leave France, the Tornado would surely strike at the Pink Panther!

Dreyfus: *I'm* guarding it!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: But...

Dreyfus: Don't argue! You fly to Kyoto in the morning!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: But I can't fly!

Dreyfus: [yells in frustration] In a plane!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Oh, but still...

Dreyfus: That's an order!

[Clouseau salutes Dreyfus before leaving his office]

Deputy Comissioner Lasorde: Read this most carefully and give me your opinion.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I will read my opinion and give you yours most carefully.

[to Dreyfus who comes in after Clouseau sets his office on fire]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Ah, hello! Nice weather we are having...

Hotel Clerk: [Clouseau rings the bell for service] Yes?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Do you have for me the 'massage'?

Hotel Clerk: Oh. You want a massage, ey?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: If you have one for me, yes.

Hotel Clerk: Here. Why don't you try Tokyo Lil at the end of the block. Ask for Passionflower Shirley, the Yokohama Butterfly.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And why should I do that?

Hotel Clerk: Well, you want a massage, don't you?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, but I want it from you.

Hotel Clerk: Sir, I don't give massages.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: But you gave me one early this morning.

Hotel Clerk: Sir, you're mistaken.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Look! Don't you try the tricks anglais with me, Monsieur. I receieved a 'massage' this morning from Inspector Quinlan of the Yard of Scotland.

Hotel Clerk: The massage!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And it was you that gave it to me.

Hotel Clerk: Message.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: What?

Hotel Clerk: You mean message.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Look, I know what I mean, you lunatic. Now do you, or do you not have for me, the 'massage'?

Hotel Clerk: No, Sir. For you, there is no massage.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [singing] I'm dancing in the rice, just dancing in the rice, what a wonderful feeling. I'm... I'm happy in the rice, Always happy... oh, allow me.

[his pants get stuck in the door and tear]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Now then, what was that you're saying?

Deputy Comissioner Lasorde: Do you have a light?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, in the top left hand drawer.

[the drawer is on fire]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Swine seagull.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [holding the letter he received from Dreyfus, then walks over to a taxi driver to convey himself to the airport] To the airport my good man, and drive like the wind.

Taxi Driver: Right sir.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau, Taxi Driver: [Clouseau runs to the opposite taxi; the taxi driver gets in his taxi and drives off. Clouseau is shown sitting in the opposite taxi]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I knew that, I knew that.

[In disguise]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I am André Botot, mustard salesman from Dijon.