Ian Faith Quotes in This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

David St. Hubbins: I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem *may* have been, that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being *crushed* by a *dwarf*. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.

Ian Faith: I really think you're just making much too big a thing out of it.

Derek Smalls: Making a big thing out of it would have been a good idea.

Ian Faith: Nigel gave me a drawing that said 18 inches. Now, whether or not he knows the difference between feet and inches is not my problem. I do what I'm told.

David St. Hubbins: But you're not as confused as him are you. I mean, it's not your job to be as confused as Nigel.

Nigel Tufnel: [about the back-stage buffet] Look, this. This miniture bread, it like... I've been working with this now for about half an hour and i can't figure out... let's say I wanted a bite, right. You got this...

Ian Faith: You'd like bigger bread?

Nigel Tufnel: Exactly. I don't under stand how...

Ian Faith: [gestures to the meat] You could just fold this... though.

Nigel Tufnel: [folding the bread] Well, no... then it's half the size...

Ian Faith: No, not the bread.

[folding the meat]

Ian Faith: You could fold the meat...

Nigel Tufnel: [still folding the bread] Yeah, but then it breaks up. It breaks apart like this...

Ian Faith: [putting the folded meat onto the miniture bread] No, no, no... you put it on the bread like this; see?

Nigel Tufnel: [folding the miniture sandwich] But if you keep folding it, then it keeps breaking...

Ian Faith: Why would you keep folding it?

Nigel Tufnel: ...and then everything has to be folded... and then you have

[holds up miniture sandwich]

Nigel Tufnel: ... this. And I don't want this. I want large bread, so I can put this...

[puts meat between two pieces of miniature bread]

Nigel Tufnel: ... so then it's like this. But this doesn't work, because then it's all...

Ian Faith: Because it hangs out like that?

Nigel Tufnel: Look! would you be holding this?

Ian Faith: No. I wouldn't want to eat...

Nigel Tufnel: No! Alright, A. Exhibit, exhibit A.

[throws down miniture sandwich]

Nigel Tufnel: And now we move onto this...

[picks up an olive]

Nigel Tufnel: Look, look; who's in here? No one.

[picks up an olive stuffed with pimento]

Nigel Tufnel: And in here, there's a little guy, look! So, it's a complete catastrophe!

Ian Faith: Alright, Nigel, Nigel... calm down...

Nigel Tufnel: Look... no, it's no big deal, It's a joke... it's really... it's a joke.

Ian Faith: I'm sorry, it's just some prat at university, you know? I really... I don't want it to affect your performance.

Nigel Tufnel: It's not going to affect my performance, don't worry about that. I just hate it... it really, it does disturb me, but i'll rise above it; I'm a professional.

Ian Faith: The Boston gig has been cancelled...

David St. Hubbins: What?

Ian Faith: Yeah. I wouldn't worry about it though, it's not a big college town.

Bobbi Flekman: You put a *greased naked woman* on all fours with a dog collar around her neck, and a leash, and a man's arm extended out up to here, holding onto the leash, and pushing a black glove in her face to sniff it. You don't find that offensive? You don't find that sexist?

Ian Faith: This is *1982*, Bobbi, c'mon!

Bobbi Flekman: That's *right*, it's 1982! Get out of the '60s. We don't have this mentality anymore.

Ian Faith: Well, you should have seen the cover they *wanted* to do! It wasn't a glove, believe me.

Jeanine Pettibone: [following the disastrous Stonehenge performance] If it got solved, that would be alright, but it doesn't get solved. I mean what do you think happened out there? What got solved tonight?

Ian Faith: For one thing that goes wrong... one... one single thing that goes wrong, a hundred things go right. Do you know what I spend my time doing? I sleep two or three hours a night. There's no sex and drugs for Ian, David. Do you know what I do? I find lost luggage. I locate mandolin strings in the middle of Austin!

Ian Faith: They're not gonna release the album... because they have decided that the cover is sexist.

Nigel Tufnel: Well, so what? What's wrong with bein' sexy? I mean there's no...

Ian Faith: Sex-IST!

David St. Hubbins: IST!

Ian Faith: Sir Denis Eton-Hogg is being knighted for founding Hogwood, a Summer Camp for Pale Young Boys...

Ian Faith: Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful.

Ian Faith: I'm not talking to this twisted fruit anymore!

Hotel Receptionist: I'm... just as God made me, Sir.

Ian Faith: Fuck the napkin!

Ian Faith: I've got a small piece of bad news.

Mick Shrimpton: For a change!

Ian Faith: We're cancelled here.

Derek Smalls: At the hotel?

Ian Faith: No. The gig is cancelled.

Mick Shrimpton: Fuck.

Ian Faith: It say's "Memphis show cancelled due to lack of advertising funds."

Ian Faith: You know what? I quit!