Ian Quotes in The Spy Next Door (2010)

Farren: [crying] I know he lied, but he did protect us. This whole time, all he ever wanted to do was protect us, mom and mom, you're never gonna find a man as good as Bob, never again.

Ian: I never thought I'd say this, but I agree with Farren.

Gillian: [looks at Nora] I suppose you have something to say, too.

Nora: [looks at mom] I want Bob to be my daddy.

Ian: You know about fashion?

Bob Ho: No, but I know women. Wear it like this. It's cool. I saw it in a movie.

Ian: What movie? Octopussy? This isn't 1985.

Ian: Hey, how you doing? I'm Ian. If I told you have a beautiful body, you hold it against me?

Cute Gymnast: [disgusted] Yeow!

Bob Ho: At least you're not shy.

Ian: I wanted to talk to her in the worst way.

Bob Ho: Mission accomplished.

Poldark: Where is the file?

Ian: It's on my iPod on my desk at home.

Bob Ho: Now, see, you want to be a spy - never tell the truth to the bad guy.

Ian: Sorry. I'm new at this.

Farren: Gillian, your son is a psycho. He booby-trapped my hairdryer.

Ian: Nice hypothesis, but ya can't prove it.

Farren: Yeah, but I can hurt you.

Farren: Bob, this is Larry.

Larry: Pleased to meet you, sir.

Bob Ho: Let's get some food.

Farren: He goes to the university.

Ian: He's a poet. Isn't it cool?

Bob Ho: It's rad. It's awesome. It's jiggy for shizzy. It's bomb.

Ian: Oh. Hey, guys! Gotta go.

Ian: I hate it when old people have feelings.

A.J.: What you doin?

Ian: [Fiddling with a PDA] Oh, just sending an email to a friend.

A.J.: Oh, really?

[Ian smiles at A.J]

A.J.: You're a funny fucker.

Silo: [after Ian gives them safety equipment] This shit is for pussies!

Ian: Look it's not easy for me to admit this, but the fact of it is, over the past 24 hours, I've fallen in love with each and every one of you. We're going to be pretty high up there and it's going to be pretty dangerous. And if anything should happen, I don't think I'd forgive myself. Especially you Silo, your quiet charm has cast a spell over me.

Silo: Piss off!

Ian: [In a poorly-done Scottish accent] Upon further review, this has proven to be a potential clue and must be returned to the... uh... castle.

Oliver Plexico: Yeah, right, that's a clue, you're a police inspector and I'm Herve Villechaize!

Ian: What?

Oliver Plexico: You know, the little guy on "Fantasy Island"?

Ian: Roseanne Barr Arnold will be President of the United States before you two punks see the light of day.

Ian: Aren't you guys in enough trouble already?

Match: Us? You guys broke laws that we don't even have yet!

Ian: Yeah keep flapping dickhead! You're the one going to the Bamboo Alcatraz!

Match: For what? Illegal diving? Refusing to bleed? Thank God you Americans can't shoot for shit!

[last lines]

Ian: By the way, my real name is Sam.

Vee: Nice to meet you, Sam.

Ian: Nice to meet you too.

Randy: So where's Felicia?

Andy: Fel-ate-cha. Yeah.

Ian: She's in...

Andy: Fe-lay-cha! You banging her?

Ian: We're just friends.

Randy: I'm uncircumcised.

Girl: Fuck off!

Randy: Wait, I thought you took her to prom?

Ian: Yeah, but it was a just-friends kinda thing.

Randy: You should bang her. We would.

Andy: Dude, we would bang her so hard.

Randy: Tell her we'll bang her for you if you're not into it!

Andy: Yeah. Hard.

Randy: With our dicks!

Andy: Yeah, our dicks are huge!

Randy: You can see them from space!

Ian: Where do you guys get the confidence to, like, hit on every girl you see?

Randy: Cause we're the shit.

Andy: Yeah, you oughta know that, bitch.

Ian: You don't know my brother, okay? He's gonna fuck my ass with a roll of quarters!

Ezekiel: What? He's gonna what? With what?

Ian: Oh, yeah! He's gonna go get off work early, and he's gonna walk into the bank, stand in line, change a 10, find my ass, and just... fuck it... with a roll of fucking quarters.

Rex: Ian, your 18 and you've never had A girlfriend. That's how people wind up getting gay, you know?

Ian: I don't think that's really how it happens.

Rex: Tell me how it happens expert, ya cock expert, ya cockspert. Hey, what do you like better the shaft or the balls?

Ian: That's gross.

Rex: You like em both don't you. It's like, sometimes tuesday you want the big, old, shiny-ass cock. Wednesdays and Thursdays you're onto the balls.

Ian: I don't know what you're talking about.

Rex: You can't choose can you? Thats a tough one. You love it. You're obsessed with it.

Ian: No, you are, your talking about it.

Rex: Why are you smiling at me, I'm serious. Don't fucking smile at me, I'll knock you out of the god damn earth. What does it taste like? What's it like when you take your mouth off of it and its like, you can see your reflection in that fucking cock. Smack you in the face a little bit, you don't like that?

Ian: I don't eat

[gets cut off]

Ian: .

Rex: Just like shiny, fucking stiff, throbbing, hot vascular mushroom head.

Ian: Ya ya.

Rex: Look, every guy has a fantasy about another guy, but you gotta bury that shit way down, this is America goddamnit.

Ian: There is, there is a girl. That I've been kinda...

Rex: Alright, I'm listening, where'd you meet her?

Ian: Um, on the, online.

Rex: [Slams car breaks on] What? For fuck's sakes Ian, don't you watch dateline? She's probably a guy. Some fat, old dude who wants to ram you in the tailpipe.

[Smiles]

Rex: But you'd love that wouldn't you, cuz your a homo!

Ian: [handing Felicia a new t-shirt] Another one for the collection.

Felicia: Oh, cool. Thanks.

[she stares at nothing leaning on the GTO]

Ian: What?

[she points down on the car roof. Lance is on the back seat comforting a sobbing Brandy]

Lance: It's okay, Brandy. it's okay, baby, don't cry.

Ian: Lance, what are you doing?

Lance: Dude, you should be ashamed of yourself, because I'm just trying to show another human being a little compassion.

[pause]

Lance: And my dick.

[Ezechiel comes out from the barn where the GTO is on repair]

Ezekiel: Uh-oh. See that creamy stuff? You blew your head gasket. That's not good.

Ian: Shit.

Ezekiel: Dont' cry. We can fix it.

Ian: Really?

Ezekiel: Yeah, really. We're good at it.

Ian: Yeah?

Ezekiel: Yeah, I didn't mean to undersell it, but it's an impressive thing. Yeah, we'll fix it.

Ian: Wow, that'd be cool.

Ezekiel: Yeah, would be cool, wouldn't it? I might be the coolest guy you ever met.

Ian: Wow.

Ezekiel: Wow.

Ian: Thank you.

Ezekiel: Yeah, you're welcome. That's what you say when people do nice things for you. You know, there's a pretty big shindig shaping up next door if you guys want to hang there while we work on it. Take it easy while we do all this - for you.

[he turns to the barn]

Ian: Does he have an attitude?

Lance: No, he's fucking with you.

Ian: Holy buckets... she wants me to give her the D!

Ian: Hey, uh, can I ask you guys a question?

Randy: You just did!

Ian: Can I ask you guys another question?

Andy: You just did again!

Ian: There's no service out here. I can't even tell her I'll be late.

Lance: Good. That's perfect. Keep her waiting. You don't want to come off as desperate.

Ian: I'm driving nine hours. How am I not coming off desperate?

Lance: We had shit to do?

Lance: Just relax, man. I got a good feeling about this, you know. We're gonna party with the Amish!

Felicia: Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be one kick-ass quilting bee.

[They see Fall Out Boy downloading amps and instruments]

Peter Wentz: What's up, man?

Ian: Hey.

Felicia: [astonished] No effing way!

Lance: Dude, what the fuck?

Ian: I don't want her along.

Lance: Oh, really? You don't want to bring Yoko on your sex trip? Yeah, no shit. She's always cock-blocking you.

Ian: No, she isn't. She doesn't even have a...

Lance: Okay, twat blocking. Professor.

Ian: Is there a cock and ball on the front of me again?

Lance: Like a little tree trunk.

Ian: [pointing to the redneck] You, Cornfed! You can punch my friend here, but just once.

Lance: Wait what? Come on man!

Ian: Dude, you slept with his girlfriend!

Lance: But...

Ian: AND he drove all this way.

Lance: ...All right.

Ian: Herd, circle formation!

[the other deer surround Boog]

Ian: You pinheads, that's an oval! More... circle-y.

Ian: Boog? What's that short for? Booger?

Chris: [asking Ian about his caravan] How do you find it on petrol consumption?

Ian: Uh, not too bad, actually. Takes her less fuel to pull than some of the older models.

Chris: Yeah, you're probably right, yeah. We use loads of petrol, don't we, Tina?

Tina: Yeah, we love it.

Dave: Take the suit off, then.

Ian: I can't.

Dave: Why not?

Ian: I'm not wearing anything under it.

[sees an island]

Ian: Look!

Dave: It's okay. I believe you.

Ian: No, look!

Dave: [looking for the chipmunks] Alvin! Britney!

Ian: Chubby one! Girl chubby one!

Dave: All right, Ian get everyone to the raft. If the volcano blows before I make it out of here, you have to promise me you'll-...

Ian: Leave without you. Got it!

Ian: Not many record studios want to hire the guy that blew it with the chipmunks, blew it with the chipettes, and passed on Justin Bieber. Twice, actually.

Dr. Who: There, my latest invention.

Ian: What? A Police Box?

Susan: Of course not!

Dr. Who: This is TARDIS.

Ian: Tardis?

Susan: It stands for Time And Relative Dimension In Space.

Ian: [Stepping inside TARDIS] But, its so big in here and yet its so small from outside. How come?

Susan: In electro-connective theory, space expands to accommodate the time necessary to incorporate its dimensions.

David Seville: Ian, they don't want this anymore. Just let them go!

Ian: But the guy just left, you should have said something about five seconds ago.

Ian: [soft voice] Come back.

David Seville: Ian, they need a real life, not all of this. Besides, they just ruined the concert. Word'll get out, and no one will come to see them!

Ian: [places hands on Dave's cheeks] Dave, they're chipmunks, who talk. People will come.

Ian: [to security guards] Guys, with me.

Ian: [singing] Whoa, whoa... that's how we roll...

Ian: Let's talk about your song, Dave.

David Seville: Well, as crazy as it sounds, the original inspiration came to me...

Ian: The song sucks, Dave.

David Seville: What?

Ian: Your song, it's awful, I hate it. Yeah, I mean, who's gonna sing it? Justin? Fergie? Not a chance. Come on, I need something new, something fresh...

David Seville: But that is new.

Ian: The next big thing. Dave, we go way back. We both come a long way since college. You, not so much. I wanted to like that song, but, you heard it... not that good. If I wasn't your friend, I'd say, "Dave, you go right back out of this office and you keep writing music, you'll get there someday." But I am your friend, so I'm going to tell you that there is no sense in writing songs that no one is ever, ever, going to sing.

David Seville: Ever?

Theodore: [climbs on Ian's bed] Uncle Ian?

Ian: [wakes up with a start] What are you doing here?

Theodore: Can I sleep with you? I had a nightmare.

Ian: Oh... you had a nightmare? I had a nightmare too. In my nightmare, I had to put together 37 dates in 42 days, in 16 countries. And, I had to coordinate 121 radio and print interviews in 5 different languages.

Ian: [picks up Theodore] And you know what Theo, the only difference is, in my nightmare, when I open my eyes, it doesn't end!

Theodore: So... is that a no?

[Ian throws Theodore out the door]

Theodore: Whoa... oh... oh...

Ian: Alright people, settle in, settle in. It is a very special night tonight. Here at Jett Records we pride ourselves in bringing you tomorrow's music today. Oh, and guess what, I did it again. Ladies and gentlemen, here to sing their new hit single, give it up for Alvin, Simon, and Theodore!

[audience applauds]

Ian: Dave Seville. Learn the name, look for the face. If he shows up tomorrow night, he doesn't get anywhere near my chipmunks. Got it?

Security Guard: Got it.

Ian: [glances outside his mansion] Hello?... Hello?

[Theodore smells Ian's foot and sneezes]

Ian: Kids.

[closes door and heads back to the stairs]

Alvin (singing voice), Simon (singing voice), Theodore (singing voice): [a capella] Christmas, Christmas time is here / Time for toys and time for cheer / We can hardly stand the wait / Please Christmas, don't be late

Ian: Welcome to Jett Records.

Ian: You guys better study your French, because we're going to Partis tonight. OK?

Ian: What part of "singing female chipmunks" don't these people understand?

Ian: I had fifteen cars. That's like five more cars than anybody really needs.

Ian: Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you are born to stand out?

Henry Dashwood: So are you and Daphne...

Ian: Yeah, we're eloping. I know it's rather sudden but after last night, there was no going back.

Henry Dashwood: You are joking aren't you?

Ian: Yes, of course.

Ian: Looking for me?

Daphne Reynolds: No, I was just looking for the loo.

Ian: Outside? On the terrace?

Daphne Reynolds: Let's get the party started!

Ian: No.

Daphne Reynolds: Come on, why not?

Ian: Well, first of all I could get fired; and second of all, I could get fired!

Daphne Reynolds: Oh come on!

Ian: No. No, no!

Daphne Reynolds: Wimp.

Ian: No. No!

Daphne Reynolds: For me?

[bats eyelashes flirtatiously]

Ian: [grins] Okay. Let's do it.

Daphne Reynolds: Hey! What are you doing here?

Ian: You know, just another one of my glamourous jobs.

Daphne Reynolds: Oh.

Ian: Looking for me?

Daphne Reynolds: Oh, no. I was just looking for the loo!

Ian: Outside? On the terrace?

Daphne Reynolds: [Mouths] Oh.

Ian: This party's lame, Max!

Max: What about the girls?

Ian: Girls, shmirls!

[Gary and Wyatt are about to make another woman for Ian and Max are are showing them the blue print for the boobs]

Max: I feel like an asshole. This had better work.

Gary Wallace: This is just a blueprint guys, now how do you like it?

Max, Ian: Bigger tits.

Max: Go! Go! Go!

Gary Wallace: Give em the knee shooters.

[Wyatt makes the boobs bigger]

Veronica Corningstone: ...and that can be very distracting. Okay, so when we get to the pet shop...

Brick Tamland: [while coughing] Cough. Look over here.

[spoken]

Brick Tamland: Excuse me, Veronica?

Veronica Corningstone: Yes? What is it, Brick?

Brick Tamland: I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.

Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me?

Brick Tamland: [struggling] The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with pants?

Veronica Corningstone: Brick, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and that I'm invited?

Brick Tamland: That's it.

Veronica Corningstone: Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?

Brick Tamland: No. Yes. He did.

Veronica Corningstone: Okay. No. I don't want to go to a party in your pants.

Brick Tamland: Very well. Ian, would you like to go to a party in my pants?

Ian: No, Brick.

Brick Tamland: All right. Let's go.

[runs off, there is a sound of crashing off screen]

Brick Tamland: It's all right. I'm all right.

Ian: Honey, by the way, we think you should go to college out of state.

Toula: Uh-huh.

Maria: What is that, reverse psychology?

[Smiles on Toula and Ian's face vanishes]

Athena: That never works.

Maria: That never works.

Paris: That never works.

Chazz: Okay, lemme ask you a question: who's side did you take in the big David Lee Roth-Van Halen split?

Chris Moore: What?

Marcus: What kind of question is that?

Chazz: Who's side did you take: Halen or Roth?

Chris Moore: ...Van Halen

Ian: HE'S A COP!

Ian: The Lone Rangers? That's original. How can you pluralize "Lone Ranger"?

Milo: You're gonna scream "Rock and Roll"? You're gonna go to jail for that?

Ian: There's a saying Milo: If it's too loud, you're too old.

Ian: You're on the air!

Butt-head: [on phone] Whoa! Am I on the air?

Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, give me the phone.

Ian: [to Beavis and Butt-head] What? Am I speaking English, what did I just say dipshit?

Chazz: So, what do you guys want?

Butt-head: You guys are, like, The Lone Rangers, right?

Chazz: Yes.

Butt-head: We saw you guys at The Wheel Well last month. You suck!

Rex: Hey, come down here and say that, you punks!

Chazz: Yeah, well, you can kiss my ass.

Butt-head: Why don't you make the chicks get naked?

Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Naked!

Ian: Okay, who are you guys?

Pip: My name's Pip.

Ian: The band. The band name.

Pip: Sorry about that.

Ian: He doesn't wear a helmet, does he?

Ian: Well, there's three of you. You're not exactly lone. Shouldn't you be the Three Rangers?

Ian: [after Chazz rejects a record contract] He wipes his ass with his record contract, I like this guy!

[the demo is briefly played on the air, but it's not played properly]

Chazz: Hey, what the did you do with it?

Ian: What did I do with it? Hey, I didn't do anything. Tonto must have loaded the tape in wrong.

Pip: Hey, your machine dilapidated it, man.

[suddenly, the demo is ruined by catching a fire]

Rex: We're a band.

Ian: [sarcastically] Of course, the Partridge Family. Which one of you is Laurie?

[the band laughs at the comment]

Ian: Get out.

[first lines]

Ian: [on the air] Oh yeah! That was for all you pinheads out there too hip to take off your leather jackets in this 95 degree heat. Now I know when the weather gets like this it brings all you nut bags out of the wood pile. And since I am a trouble magnet, I have one thing to say to you bozos, and that is, back off. Here's the Sons of Thunder from the debut album Scrabbled Eggs and Wobbly Legs. You're listening to Ian Shock, on the station with more hair, more flair, yet so debonair, KPPX. Rebel radio-O-O-O.

Ian: Roger, I used to be just like you. But look at me now, I'm awesome! I run this entire place. I'm dating TWO Asian chicks!

[after finishing the play]

Ian: Carmen, that was incredible!

[Carmen kisses Ian]

Ian: Sometimes words fail...

[He kisses her back]

[while stuidying for the play]

Carmen Lowell: "Oh, Lady Fortune! Stand you auspicious!" God! Why don't people talk like this anymore? It's just, we've gotten so lazy! We don't say "Oh, Lady Fortune! Stand you auspiscious!" We say "Dear God, help me..."

Ian: Or instead of "Enjoy the honey heavy-dew of slumber", "Yo, get some Z's"

Carmen Lowell: It's just... It sounds so good and it feels so good to say. It's rich and luscious.

[Carmen touches her cheek]

Ian: "See how she lays her cheek upon her hand. Oh, that I were a glove upon her hand and I might touch that cheek"

[Carmen blushes]

Ian: See what I mean?

Carmen Lowell: [blushing] Yeah...

Ian: You welcome.

Carmen Lowell: [sarcastic] Oh, I'm sorry. Did I forget to say thank you?... Thank you.

Ian: How do you feel?

Carmen Lowell: Like a fake.

Ian: Oh, please! You had them at "Um... hi"

Ben: Well, let's start the interrogation.

Molly: No, no, it's not like that.

Ian: [finishes his drink and hands his glass to Ben] Here. It's for the urine sample.

Ben: Shoot, I wish you would have told me. I just took a wizz in your bushes.

Ian: Back off, you walking herpe you!

Jeannie: [touching his jacket] This is nice.

Ian: [slapping her hand away] Never touch. Not the jacket. Not the shirt. Not the hair. You touch me again, I'll kill you!

Ian: Tired of that same old lap dance? Well pull up an extra seat, young fellas, and experience Rino's exclusive face dance! One of our lovely ladies will sit on your face and give birth to your head!

Ian: Remember the Alamo. Davy Crockett.

Paco: Whatever.

Cole: Hey, you think this is a good idea? I mean, wasn't that bitch dead a minute ago?

Ian: Fuck it. What's the worse that can happen?

Ian: Let's see if I got this straight - our best stripper is a reanimated corpse who is feeding off the living flesh of our customers, who in turn reanimate, even if they're just a fucking head?

[nervously laughs]

Ian: You don't see this as a problem?

Berengé: Look, Ian, these zombies... they scare me. I can't sleep. I'm having nightmares.

Ian: Don't worry about them then.

Berengé: They're murdering flesh-eating monsters!

Ian: They're harmless.

Ian: Make like a tree and get the fuck out of here!

Terrence: Ok, anyone know how to use these?

Ian: [Brief silence until Ian realises everyone is looking to him for an answer] Um... something about the safety been off... I saw that in a movie. Hey! The law says I can own them, not that I have to know how to use them.

Anthony: I'm a working professional now, and you need to respect that.

Ian: You deliver pizzas...

Maurice: [Maurice is clipping Ian's toenail] Keep still. It's not surgery.

Ian: I don't trust you.

Maurice: [clips the nail] Got it! A palpable hit!

Ian: But where has the little fucker gone?

Maurice: Who cares? It's free now.

Ian: I can't have my home scattered with toenails.

Maurice: Oh, God. I'll have to get my other glasses.

Ian: They're around your fucking neck.

Maurice: Oh. Thank you.

[puts glasses on, begins to search]

Maurice: Where's that bastard toenail? Ha! There's the little fucker!

Ian: I love this horrible place. It reminds me of what I wanted to become.

Ian: Do I look like a fool? Do I?

[pause]

Ian: Answer me!

Maurice: Don't tempt me. I haven't had my tranquilizer yet.

Ian: How's Valerie?

Maurice: Phoning my continuously with complaints.

Ian: You're her husband.

Maurice: Am I?

Ian: Yeah. You did one of your runners, if you remember.

Maurice: Did I? But I never wanted to be independent.

Ian: I love it.

Maurice: I am about to die and I know nothing about myself.

Ian: You have been loved, though, Maurice. You've been adored.

Maurice: Yes. And so have you, Ian, a little bit. Except you didn't always notice it.

Maurice: No, you can't cling to me like this, Ian, we'll both go down.

Ian: Put me on my feet then, you silly old fool!

Maurice: You're on your feet.

Ian: Oh. Yeah. Well. Thank you.

Maurice: Not at all.

[they begin dancing]

Ian: Her idea of cooking is to stick a plate of virtual sick in the microwave!

Ian: You need someone, not me. Not me in particular. She needs me, in particular.

Ian: Let's talk this through. Let's work our marriage out, you and I. Even if it's only for fifteen minutes.

Louise: Are you just saying that because you're taped to a toilet?

Ian: Has this sort of thing ever happened before, officer?

Detective: I'm sure lots of people have had affairs with much younger women.

Ian: No, I mean a guy on a mower robbing people who have vacation homes up here?

Ian: [looking for relationship potential after anonymous sex] Look, we don't have to do all this if you don't want to.

Elliot: What?

Ian: I get it. You're not into it. It's okay.

Elliot: What do you mean?

Ian: Look at you. You're physically moving away from me right now. We should just walk away like nothing happened. I'm not normally that guy, but I can do it.

Andy: I really like the city late at night, it's like a big abandoned ghost town.

Ian: Like they dropped a neutron bomb and nobody noticed.

Ian: He was right about one thing. Once you cross the line, there's no going back.

Ian: You think we've committed some kind of unnatural act, but we haven't. The whole of human life is about violence. It's a cruel world, Terry.

Ian: Would you sleep with a director to get a part?

Angela: Well, that depends on the part, and who the director is, and how much I'd had to drink.

Ian: It's not a very comforting answer.

Angela: I didn't like the question.

Ian: It's funny how life has a life of its own.

Terry: What are you thinking?

Ian: That then was then. And now is now. And we've done it and it's over.

Ian: And it's always now.

[first lines]

Ian: Ah, she's a beauty! I mean, look her - she's not new, but she looks new. He said the engine needed work.

Terry: I could do the engine.

Ian: I can't believe he's asking so little. It's practically a steal.

Terry: John Anderson said we could keep it at his marina - free of charge - at least for a year till his son comes back.

Ian: Ah, here he comes. Don't show you're too eager or he won't budge on the price, all right?

Terry: Right.

Ian: She's innocent and also depraved. She's working class,but classy.

Ian: I know what's in his mind.

Angela: Ian, I don't affect everyone the way that I affect you. If I did, my career would have taken off a long time ago.

Roz: Well, I hope you're pleased with yourself.

Ian: I just told the truth, that's all.

Roz: That's all? And you think that's somethings to be proud of?

Ian: Somebody had to.

Roz: No, nobody had to, unless they wanted to cause as much damage as possible, Ian.

Lil: Doctors say you'll live.

Ian: [scoffs] Do they have any good news?

[last lines]

Ian: [having swum to the raft] Good morning.

Ian: [about the children] You get them over excited.

Roz: No, we spoil them is what we do. That's what grandmothers are supposed to do.

Roz: Where are you going?

Ian: To your room.

[Ian leaves]

Lil: Ian!

[Lil looks slyly towards Tom]

Tom: [to Lil] See you at yours.

[closeup to Lil with lustful expressions]

Ian: She made you decent, and in return you made her so happy, so happy, and I will always be grateful to you for that.

Ian: Call the bloody police! It's my flat too!

Emma: Is it? I paid the mortgage! You just sat around farting and watching the bloody Wrath of Khan!

Sofi: How many senses do worms have?

Ian: They have two. Smell and touch. Why?

Sofi: So... they live without any ability to see or even know about light, right? The notion of light to them is unimaginable.

Ian: Yeah.

Sofi: But we humans... we know that light exists. All around them... right on top of them... they cannot sense it. But with a little mutation, they do. Right?

Ian: Correct.

Sofi: So... Doctor Eye... perhaps some humans, rare humans... have mutated to have another sense. A spirit sense. And can perceive a world that is right on top of us... everywhere. Just like the light on these worms.

Ian: You ever feel like when you met someone, they fill this hole inside of you, and then when they're gone... you feel that space painfully vacant?

Sofi: Do you know the story of the Phasianidae?

Ian: The... No, what's that?

Sofi: It's a bird that experiences all of time in one instant. And she sings the song of love and anger and fear and joy and sadness all at once. And this bird... when she meets the love of her life... is both happy and sad. Happy because she sees that for him it is the beginning, and sad because she knows it is already over.

Priya Varma: You know a scientist once asked the Dalai Lama, "What would you do if something scientific disproved your religious beliefs?" And he said, after much thought, "I would look at all the papers. I'd take a look at all the research and really try to understand things. And in the end, if it was clear that the scientific evidence disproved my spiritual beliefs, I would change my beliefs."

Ian: That's a good answer.

Priya Varma: Ian... what would you do if something spiritual disproved your scientific beliefs?

Ian: I don't believe in luck. I do believe we've known each other since forever, though.

Sofi: Really?

Ian: Yeah. You know how? When the big bang happened, all the atoms in the universe, they were all smashed together into one little dot that exploded outward. So my atoms and your atoms were certainly together then, and, who knows, probably smashed together several times in the last 13.7 billion years. So my atoms have known your atoms and they've always known your atoms. My atoms have always loved your atoms.

Ian: It's a false positive, you understand? It's an error. It has to be an error. It's statistically impossible. Data point.

Karen: If I drop this phone a thousand times, a million times... and one time, it does't fall... just once, it hovers in the air. That is an error that's worth looking at.

Ian: I'd like to tell you the story of the eyes that changed my world.

Ian: You know we could be looking forever and find nothing.

Karen: Turning over rocks and finding nothing is progress.

Sofi: You know you have it.

Ian: Have what?

Sofi: But you're scared of it.

Ian: I have what?

Sofi: Okay. You live in this room, right?

Ian: Mm-hmm.

Sofi: Reality. You have a bed, you have books, um, a desk, a chair, lamps. Logic. But in this room, you have a door... to the other side. See? Light comes through. It's open just a tiny bit, but it is open. You keep trying to close that door because you're scared. But you won't always be scared.

Ian: What's behind the door? Besides my dirty laundry.

Sofi: You have to go in to find out. You know what I'm talking about.

Ian: I have no idea.

Sofi: You will.

Sofi: Why are you working so hard to disprove God?

Ian: Disprove? Who proved that God was there in the first place?

Sofi: When I saw you that night, I... I had the feeling that I had known you. Actually, I felt like you knew me.

Ian: What do you mean?

Sofi: Like we are connected from past lives.

Ian: I don't believe in that.

Sofi: What do you believe in?

Ian: I'm a scientist. I believe in data.

Ian: I do believe we've known each other since forever.

Sofi: Really?

Ian: Yes. You know how? When the Big Bang happened, all the atoms in the universe were all smashed together into one little dot that exploded outward, so my atoms and your atoms were certainly together then and... who knows, probably smashed together several times in the last 13.7 billion years, so my atoms have known your atoms and they've always known your atoms. My atoms have always loved your atoms.

[first lines]

Ian: Every living person on this planet has their own unique pair eyes. Each their own universe. My name is Doctor Ian Gray. I'm a father, and husband, and I'm a scientist. When I was a child, I realized that the camera was designed exactly like the human eye, taking in light through a lens, forming it into images. I began taking as many pictures of eyes as I possibly could. I'd like to tell you the story of the eyes that changed my world.

Ian: Where are you from?

Sofi: Another planet.

Ian: What's your favourite flower?

Sofi: Dandelions.

Ian: Okay. Why?

Sofi: 'Cause, they're free, wild, and you cant buy them.

Ian: Subject: Salomina. S as in...

Karen: Shut the front door.

Ian: A as in...

Karen: Amazing.

Ian: L as in...

Karen: Love you.

Ian: O as in...

Karen: Open-minded.

Ian: M as in...

Karen: Maestro.

Ian: I as in...

Karen: Ian Gray.

Ian: N as in...

Karen: No way this is true.

Ian: A as in...

Karen: Afterlife?

Ian: What's wrong? I know something's wrong, so...

Sofi: You leave me every day to torture little worms?

Ian: I'm so looking forward to brainwashing this child with you.

Karen: You know what I was thinking? What if we turn the garage into a lab? And the baby could be our first test subject.

Ian: You live in this fairy, magical... fantasy land. It's a fucking lie, and you know it's a lie.

Ian: There is no proof that there is some magical spirit living above us

Sofi: Why are you working so hard to disprove God?

Ian: Am I going to be stuck with this child the rest of my life?

Ian: You know when you're with someone there's only a very short time when you can really give each other things for free... with neither of you having to ask. Because later on all you do is make demands of each other. Perhaps the only difference between her and all the rest is that she's asking you for nothing.

Barb: [talking about the Chucky doll being sent to the house] It was obviously sent here by mistake; it must belong to someone else. And Alice, you already have too many dolls as it is...

Alice: Yeah, but, Chucky's my friend till the end!

Ian: Well I for one think it's a real nice gesture.

[pause]

Ian: Thank you, Auntie Nica!

[off Barb's look]

Ian: It's a doll. What's the worst that can happen, huh?

Chucky: [In his Good Guy voice] I like to be hugged!

Alice: I love to hug you too, Chucky!

[as she hugs him tightly to her, Chucky's eyes eerily start to grow wide]

Alice: [looks confused] What's that, Chucky?

[has the doll pressed against her ear, as if listening to what he's saying]

Alice: Oh, Chucky wants to know what's for dinner!

Ian: Renee, hand us the bucket.

Renee: Fuck off.

Ian: Thank you. That's very helpful of you.

Ian: I'm just saying I know what the worst could be.

Renee: Oh, yeah? What's that?

Ian: Well, this thing can get up to about 250 degrees. Do you want to risk that? Do you want your skin to fucking melt?

Ian: I don't know. There's something about her. Something about her I like.

Michael: I think the thing you like about her is that she was half-naked.

Ian: [toasting to the farm] To old Mac Donald's farm...

Keith: Ee-i-ee-i-o!

Ian: You're not in control. No one's controlling this. It's not personal. It's not about us. Don't fool yourself into thinking you understand it. You can either service it or resist it. Either way, in the end it wins. Not everyone's saved. But without it, everyone is doomed.

Gina: Human hands are so nice.

Gina: Just answer me one thing, am I saving them or destroying them?

Ian: Is there a difference?