Humphrey Quotes in Sword of the Valiant: The Legend of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight (1984)

Sir Gawain: I forgot to ask one question during my quick initiation into knighthood.

Humphrey: Oh? What's that?

Sir Gawain: How to relieve myself in this tin suit.

Humphrey: Okay! Runt, get down. Claudette, stay down. And Stinky, my eldest son... That was the most ridiculous idea i've ever heard!

[first lines]

Humphrey: Okay, pups. As we continue on our first family vacation to Alfred Creek Falls, it's time for my infamous animal impressions!

[the pups groan in disgust]

Kate: Groans? Oh, come on pups. You used to love your dad's animal impressions.

Claudette: Yeah, until they got weird as hell.

Humphrey: Runt, who taught you how to climb trees anyway?

Runt: I got it from the porcupines.

Humphrey: [as they miss the train that goes for the border] Missed it. Damn!

Tristan: [Tristan goes to see Victoria on her birthday, picks up a small stone for the window to call her as he used to, then smiles, drops the stone and knocks on the front door, Victoria answers] Happy birthday.

Victoria: [Looking pleasantly astonished at Tristan's transformation] What happened to you?

Tristan: I've found the star.

Victoria: I can't believe you did it. Where's my star? Can I see it? Is it beautiful?

Tristan: Yes.

[Tristan reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lock of Yvaine's hair, wrapped in a small piece of white cloth. He gives it to Victoria]

Victoria: Well, it's awfully small.

Tristan: Well, that's just a little piece - a token for your birthday.

Victoria: Well... Well, then forget about the star. It's not the star that I want.

Victoria: [she puts her arms around him]

[seductively]

Victoria: You know what I want.

[they are about to kiss but he pulls away from her]

Tristan: Yeah, I do. You want to grow up and get over yourself.

Victoria: [indignantly] Well! Oh!

[Humphrey appears around the corner and at the sight of Tristan drops a medium sized box wrapped in red wrapping paper that was suspended from his left hand]

Tristan: Humphrey!

Humphrey: Thorn. You must have a death wish.

[Humphrey then unsheathes a small, thin sword. Tristan unsheathes a much larger and and brandishes it menacingly]

Humphrey: [backing down] Ah...

Tristan: [looking amused] Humphrey. Humphrey, it's all right. She's all yours. You really are a perfect couple. The best of luck to you both.

[Victoria looks inside the cloth containing the token that Tristan has given her]

Victoria: [ungratefully] Why would I want this? It's just a measly handful of stardust.

Humphrey: [to a trio of angry bears] You guys like jokes? Good. Okay, so two bears are eating a clown. And one of the bears says "Does this taste funny to you?"

[One of the bears knocks him into a mountain]

Humphrey: A simple "boo" would have sufficed.

Kate: Ahh!

Humphrey: Ahh!

Kate: Ahh!

[Grunt's in disgust]

Humphrey: [laughs] Where's Barf?

Kate: It's Garth, and we're just taking a little break.

Humphrey: A break?

Kate: What, is that so strange?

Humphrey: No, no, no no no, are you kidding? I always like to take a break, ten minutes into a howl.

Kate: Well I do!

[from trailer]

Paddy: You were relocated to re-populate.

Kate: Ah!

Humphrey: Oh, sounds good to me.

[Kate puts her paw under Humphrey's chin]

Kate: No.

Kate: [Kate and Humphrey come across a bear] Don't move, we can handle this.

Humphrey: We can?

[Suddenly, two more bears join in]

Kate: Okay, *now* we're in trouble!

Humphrey: [as he and Kate spin wildly through the air] What are you doing up here?

Kate: I'm practice-hunting for our lunch.

Humphrey: Oh good, 'cause I'm about to lose mine.

[Gulps]

Kate: You are? Ew.

Humphrey: I'll try to swallow it.

Humphrey: You wolves are making us look bad. Look, the caribou are laughing at us!

[the caribou laugh and shake their rears mockingly]

Humphrey: Ugh, now that's a moon I don't wanna howl to!

Kate: Ow! Where am I? Ow!

Humphrey: Ughh!

Kate: Humphrey?

Humphrey: Kate! Where are we?

Kate: I don't know.

Humphrey: Oh, maybe we're dead.

[Both yell ow]

Humphrey: Nope, definitely not dead.

Kate: Ow!

Humphrey: Well, at least they left us some water.

Kate: You got water?

Humphrey: Nope, definitely not water... Kate, what are you doing?

Kate: Trying to get out! Aghh!

Humphrey: Ah! Whoa calm down, listen maybe they are taking us to where there is more food.

Kate: Or maybe we are the food.

Humphrey: Oh, Kate, you're right, fight, fight fight fight!

[Both struggle in cages]

Humphrey: It's Spring! Whoa, look who's back from alpha school.

Salty: Forget about it Humphrey, Kate's an Alpha now, and you're, an Omega.

Humphrey: We're friend's, ok?

Mooch: Exactly, just friends, end of story.

Salty: You better set your sites over there, Reba and Janice, the Vegi-tarians

[Reba and Janice Smile awkwardly]

Humphrey: Guys, honestly, caribou is overrated.

Kate: Hmph.

Humphrey: Now instead, keep an open mind, I just want you to keep an open mind here. We bring you, berries!

[Wolves growl]

Humphrey: Oh, heh heh, how about squirrels?

[Wolves drool and the squirrels scream]

Humphrey: Oh, bad joke, flying squirrels ha ha.

Garth: [about Humphrey] Who's the coyote?

Humphrey: "Who's the coyote?"... Oh, i get it. That's good... Cuz i'm like...

Kate: [Interrupting] No one important. Lilly, why don't you take little coyote Humphrey and run along?

[after getting into a fight with another wolf]

Humphrey: You mess with the girl again, and you're dead!

Kate: [surprised] Humphrey!

[from trailer]

Kate: What's wrong with you?

[Humphrey has his paws between his legs]

Humphrey: I have to go.

Kate: Can't you hold it?

Humphrey: No! I can't.

Humphrey: We make a pretty good team.

Kate: Yeah. We do.

Humphrey: [about Garth] He's not a stud, it's like stud... uh, what's the word I'm looking for? A dud! That's it! Don't you think?

Kate: [Stifling a laugh] No, he's not a "dud." In fact, *Hum-phrey*, you'd be surprised to find out that he's...

Humphrey: Strong?

Kate: Strong, yes! He's *strong*!

Kate: [Stands up a little and looks around]

Kate: Is everyone starring at us?

Humphrey: Uhhh... well, no not everyone... Yeah! Now they are.

Kate: Oh, damn! 'Cause i wanted to tell you something.

Humphrey: You know, we make a pretty good team. Kate and Humphrey, their old adventures. What do ya think?

Kate: I think you're crazy.

Humphrey: You think i'm... whoa! No, no i'm telling ya... We're on to something here. Hey baby, stick with me and we'll go places.

Kate: [laughs a little] Well, i'll keep that in mind.

Kate: I think it's about time you should learn how to hunt.

Humphrey: You know i'm not a hunter, but i got some pretty cool moves.

Kate: Oh really?

Humphrey: Yeah, really.

[playfully tackles her]

Humphrey: Ha ha! What did i tell ya?

Kate: To tell you the truth, i'm impressed.

Humphrey: Do I sound retarded to you?

Humphrey: The next girl that comes up the hill, outta my way 'cause she's mine.

Kate: Humphrey, i just wanted to tell you: these past couple of days, they've been... kinda... fun. You've been kinda... fun.

Humphrey: [with a smile] Really?

Kate: Yeah, really.

Humphrey: Well, that's... that's great. I told you, baby. We make a pretty good team.

Kate: We definitely do.

[she giggles]

Kate: [Kate tries to stand on to a slippery rock and looks down to see a river] Humphrey!

Humphrey: [Tarzan yell and swings towards Kate] Don't worry Kate, it's all part of the plan

Kate: I can see that

Humphrey: Kate, grab my tail.

Kate: Grab your what?

Humphrey: Take those alpha jaws and grab...

[Kate bites Humphrey tail]

Humphrey: OW! my tail, my tail

Humphrey: Damn it! I can't take it anymore!

Humphrey: Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, Catch a reindeer by the toe. If he hollers, let him go, Eeny, meeny, miny... Moe!

Chaplain: Let us praise God. O Lord...

Congregation: O Lord...

Chaplain: ...Ooh, You are so big...

Congregation: ...ooh, You are so big...

Chaplain: ...So absolutely huge.

Congregation: ...So absolutely huge.

Chaplain: Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.

Congregation: Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.

Chaplain: Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, and...

Congregation: And barefaced flattery.

Chaplain: But You are so strong and, well, just so super.

Congregation: Fantastic.

Humphrey: Amen.

Congregation: Amen.

Humphrey: So, just listen. Now, did I or did I not... do... vaginal... juices?

Pupils: Mmm. Mmm. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Humphrey: Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.

Watson: R - rubbing the clitoris, sir?

Humphrey: What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.

Wymer: Suck the nipple, sir?

Humphrey: Good. Good. Well done, Wymer.

Pupil: Uh, stroking the thighs, sir.

Humphrey: Yes. Yes, I suppose so. Hmm?

Pupil: Oh, sir. Biting the neck.

Humphrey: Yes. Good. Nibbling the earlobe, uhh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.

Watson: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

Humphrey: All right, settle down. Settle down... Now, before I begin the lesson, will those of you who are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down onto the lower peg immediately after lunch, before you write your letter home, if you're not getting your hair cut, unless you've got a younger brother who is going out this weekend as the guest of another boy, in which case, collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after you've had your hair cut, and make sure he moves your clothes down onto the lower peg for you. Now...

Wymer: Sir?

Humphrey: Yes, Wymer?

Wymer: My younger brother's going out with Dibble this weekend, sir, but I'm not having my hair cut today, sir.

Pupils: [chuckling]

Wymer: So, do I move my clothes down, or...

Humphrey: I do wish you'd listen, Wymer. It's perfectly simple. If you're not getting your hair cut, you don't have to move your brother's clothes down to the lower peg. You simply collect his note before lunch, after you've done your scripture prep, when you've written your letter home, before rest, move your own clothes onto the lower peg, greet the visitors, and report to Mr. Viney that you've had your chit signed.

Humphrey: And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour. And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-Betheul-Bazda, he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon, and there slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little pots. Here endeth the lesson.

Humphrey: Now two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant. Now some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play an important part in the life of the school, but I would remind you that it was presented to us by the corporation of the Town of Sudbury to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember the names of all those from the Sudbury area who so gallantly gave their lives to keep China British. So from now on, the cormorant is strictly OUT OF BOUNDS. Oh and Jenkins? Apparently your mother died this morning. Chaplain?

Humphrey: Oh, no, do share your little joke with the rest of the class.

Humphrey: Now, sex. Sex, sex, sex. Where were we?

[pupils can't remember]

Humphrey: Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina?

Pupils: Uh, no, sir. No, sir.

Humphrey: Well, had I done foreplay?

Pupils: Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Humphrey: Ah. Well, as we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can tell me what the purpose of foreplay is. Biggs.

Biggs: Um, don't know. Sorry, sir.

Humphrey: Carter?

Carter: Oh. Uh, was it taking your clothes off, sir?

Humphrey: Well, a-and after that?

Wymer: [Misunderstanding] Oh! Putting them on a lower peg, sir.

[Humphrey chucks an object at Wymer for his stupidity]

Humphrey: The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate so that the penis can penetrate more easily.

Agatha: Gee, if you're an actor, we've got a chance, and if you're a good actor this could be the biggest job you ever had.

Humphrey: Yeah, and I'd be the star - that's a step up... and an audience of three - that's a step up.

[during opening credits]

Humphrey: No popcorn during my performance... peasants!

[Arthur jumps onto the horse behind Agatha, only for both of them to fall off]

Humphrey: Wouldn't it be much simpler to call a cab?

Humphrey: [Last lines] A kiss like that could kill a guy!"

Dan Burnley: This is my Wii.

Humphrey: What's a Wii? Is it like a woo?

Dan Burnley: I don't know. What's a woo?