Howard Gross Quotes in Head Office (1985)

[Jack was to start with Stedman, but Stedman just been fired for insider trading]

Max Landsberger: Listen, I got you set up in PR with Howard Gross. Gross is the kind of guy who really knows how to handle the pressure.

Howard Gross: [rapidly into a phone] This is Howard Gross, talking! I'm 35 years old! I'm the head of this division! I'm not the head of this division because I'm a moron! I got the head of this division because IIII-IIIII'm *not* a moron! Listen, my neck is on the line here you guys! I'm the one who's gonna have to determine if this is brilliant or not brilliant and I'm telling you it's crap! Look, I'm not- Listen to me for a second! I'm not trying to sell pantyhose! It's on my head! I've gotta convince them that killing 100,000 jobs, and closing down a plant, and moving it into Latin America is not unpatriotic! You understand what that means? I've got to sell this being as patriotic as a goddamned apple pie! If anybody up there sees this, I'm gonna die. They're gonna kill me.

[the intercom buzzes]

Howard Gross: I got- I got, ah, I've got, ah, I got, I got- The phone is going here! I gotta hold. I-I gotta put you on hold! I got 35 lines going here! I got- I only have three lines coming in, I have three people working for me. I have 35 lines, I've got 35 people looking at me! Hang on for a second!

Howard Gross: [on the phone] Look, what are you people trying to do to me? I have a $75,000 Mercedes Benz in the shop that's leaking more oil than Poland! I've got a dead father-in-law who's pissed off that he can't have a semi-plot to be buried in, and I've got a cat in the hospital at $100 a day - I could put him up at the Hyatt for 75. You guys are killing me up here! I'm dying! I'm dying!

[hangs up the phone as he begins have a major heart attack]

Howard Gross: I love this business!

Gross' Secretary: [into a phone] Mr. Yonge's on three. He's just seen the campaign. He sounds upset.

Howard Gross: [into the phone] Tell him to hold!

Gross' Secretary: Mr. Raybeck's on four. He's also seen the campaign. He also sounds upset.

Howard Gross: Tell Raybeck to hold!

Gross' Secretary: Your wife's on five from the hospital. Her father just passed away.

Howard Gross: Tell my wife to hold!

Gross' Secretary: Your mechanic's on six. He wants to talk to you abour your Mercedes. That's all.

Howard Gross: [calms down] Put my mechanic on.

[clicks switch and begins talking in a calm and happy tone]

Howard Gross: Hey. How are you doing, Lars?

Mechanic: [voice] Hello, Mr. Gross. How are you? Good talk to you.

Howard Gross: [into the phone] I'm fine. No, I'm great. You guys, you guys are great! You guys are great, are ya kiddin'?

Mechanic: Yeah, well we're having a problem with your car.

Howard Gross: [talking over] Is my car gonna be ready or what?

Mechanic: [voice] It's more then just an oil leak.

Howard Gross: [not registering yet] Yeah.

Mechanic: I'm afraid we'll have to also fix the transmission. Uh, $2500, I'd say.

Howard Gross: What are you talkin' about? No no no no, just oil. I just wanted oil.

Mechanic: [voice] Plus labor, we're talking maybe $4,000 even.

Howard Gross: [suddenly angry again; talking fast] You don't have my money- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! No, I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I- no, what do you mean? You wanna come over and see my driveway? I got no oil on my driveway! What are you talkin'- what are you talkin' about a leak? You guys know what it is? You guys are a bunch of goniffs! You bring in a car, you bring it in, put a leak in it which could cost me if it's under warranty...

Howard Gross: You guys are goniffs! You guys are worse- you-you guys are worse than-than-! You guys think you have a monopoly on the whole thing because you have a goddamn dealership there? You're crazy! I bring in at 15, I bring in at 25, bring it in at 35 for a goddamn oil change! That's under warranty, that transmission! I'm workin' here all day long! I'm 35 years old! I'm the head of this division! I'm gonna have a goddamn heart attack trying to pay for this car!

Howard Gross: [on the phone to his wife] Honey, what do you want me to say? I can't talk to you right now! I got 35 guys on hold! I got too many guys on hold! I can't talk to you! Look... what do you want me to say? Your father is dead! There's no point in him being in semi-private! He could be in Yankee Stadium! He doesn't have to be in semi-private! The man is dead! Of course the company has a burial policy, but that doesn't mean that I get covered for it! I got 35 lines here on hold! Hang up for one second!

[flips a switch on the phone]

Howard Gross: It wasn't my fault! I'll call you back!

[flips another switch]

Howard Gross: It wasn't my fault! I'll call you back!

[as he flips more switches]

Howard Gross: It wasn't my fault! It wasn't my fault! It wasn't my fault! It wasn't my fault...