Howard Quotes in Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2007)

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Howard Quotes:

  • [Howard has just told the story about how he buried his possessed uncle after he bit off his hand as a child]

    Jack Brooks: So he... he ate your hand?

    [Howard shows Jack that he has a hook instead of a hand]

    Jack Brooks: How did you dig the hole?

    Howard: Well goddammit, it wasn't easy!

  • Howard: The lower I go the more exciting it gets.

  • Howard: We've wounded this mountain. It's our duty to close her wounds. It's the least we can do to show our gratitude for all the wealth she's given us. If you guys don't want to help me, I'll do it alone.

    Bob Curtin: You talk about that mountain like it was a real woman.

    Fred C. Dobbs: She's been a lot better to me than any woman I ever knew. Keep your shirt on, old-timer. Sure, I'll help ya.

  • Howard: Ah, as long as there's no find, the noble brotherhood will last but when the piles of gold begin to grow... that's when the trouble starts.

  • [Howard eats, while Dobbs and Curtin snooze]

    Howard: Hey you fellas, how 'bout some beans? You want some beans? Goin' through some mighty rough country tomorrow, you'd better have some beans.

  • Howard: I know what gold does to men's souls.

  • Howard: Say, answer me this one, will you? Why is gold worth some twenty bucks an ounce?

    Flophouse Bum: I don't know. Because it's scarce.

    Howard: A thousand men, say, go searchin' for gold. After six months, one of them's lucky: one out of a thousand. His find represents not only his own labor, but that of nine hundred and ninety-nine others to boot. That's six thousand months, five hundred years, scramblin' over a mountain, goin' hungry and thirsty. An ounce of gold, mister, is worth what it is because of the human labor that went into the findin' and the gettin' of it.

    Flophouse Bum: I never thought of it just like that.

    Howard: Well, there's no other explanation, mister. Gold itself ain't good for nothing except making jewelry with and gold teeth.

  • Howard: Water's precious. Sometimes may be more precious than gold.

  • Howard: Aah, gold's a devilish sort of thing, anyway. You start out, you tell yourself you'll be satisfied with 25,000 handsome smackers worth of it. So help me, Lord, and cross my heart. Fine resolution. After months of sweatin' yourself dizzy, and growin' short on provisions, and findin' nothin', you finally come down to 15,000, then ten. Finally, you say, "Lord, let me just find $5,000 worth and I'll never ask for anythin' more the rest of my life."

    Flophouse Bum: $5,000 is a lot of money.

    Howard: Yeah, here in this joint it seems like a lot. But I tell you, if you was to make a real strike, you couldn't be dragged away. Not even the threat of miserable death would keep you from trying to add 10,000 more. Ten, you'd want to get twenty-five; twenty-five you'd want to get fifty; fifty, a hundred. Like roulette. One more turn, you know. Always one more.

  • Howard: Now here's where we're bound for, hereabouts. Don't show properly whether there's mountains, swamp, or desert. That shows the makers of the map themselves don't know for sure. Once on the ground, all we gotta do is open our eyes and look around. Yes, and blow our noses, too. Believe it or not, I knew a fellow once who could smell gold like a jackass can smell water.

  • Fred C. Dobbs: Why am I elected to go to the village? Why me instead of you and Curtin? Oh, don't think I don't see through that. You two've thrown in against me. The two days I'd be gone would give you plenty of time to discover where my goods are, wouldn't it?

    Howard: If you feel along those lines, why don't you take your goods with you?

    Fred C. Dobbs: And run the risk of having them taken from me by bandits?

    Howard: If you was to run into bandits, you'd be out of luck anyway. They'd kill you for the shoes on your feet.

    Fred C. Dobbs: Oh, so that's it. Everything's clear now. You're hoping bandits will get me. That would save you a lot of trouble, wouldn't it? And your consciences wouldn't bother you none, neither.

  • [last lines]

    Howard: Well, goodbye Curtin.

    Bob Curtin: Goodbye, Howard.

    Howard: Good luck.

    Bob Curtin: Same to you.

  • Howard: If I were you boys, I wouldn't talk or even think about women. T'aint good for your health.

  • Howard: Without me, you two would die here, more miserable than rats.

  • Dobbs: You know what I'm thinkin'. I'm thinkin' we ought to give up. Leave the whole outfit - everything behind and go back to civilization.

    Howard: What's that you say? Go back? Ha, ha. Well, tell my old grandmother! I've got two very elegant bedfellows who kick at the first drop of rain and hide in the closet when thunder rumbles. My, my, my, what great prospectors, two shoe clerks readin' a magazine about prospectin' for gold in the land of the midnight sun, south of the border, or west of the Rockies, ha, ha, ha...

    Dobbs: [Picking up a rock] Shut your trap! Shut up or I'll smash your head flat.

    Howard: Go ahead, go ahead, throw it. If you did, you'd never leave this wilderness alive. Without me, you two would die here more miserable than rats.

    Bob Curtin: [to Dobbs] Aw, leave him alone. Can't you see the old man's nuts?

    Howard: Let me tell you something, my two fine bedfellows, you're so dumb, there's nothin' to compare ya with, you're dumber than the dumbest jackass. Look at each other, will ya? Did you ever see anything like yourself for bein' dumb specimens. You're so dumb, you don't even see the riches you're treadin' on with your own feet. Yeah, don't expect to find nuggets of molten gold. It's rich but not that rich. And here ain't the place to dig. It comes from someplace further up. Up there, up there's where we've got to go. UP THERE!

  • Howard: Ah, $25,000.00 is plenty as far as I'm concerned. Enough to last me out the rest of my lifetime.

    Fred C. Dobbs: Sure. You're old, I'm young. I need dough and plenty of it!

  • Jackie: My answer is "cock", and I wrote it really big, so I have a "big cock!"

    Howard: I'm afraid you can't say "big cock" on the air. That's a no-no.

    Robin Quivers: But I just said "pussy".

    Jackie: [whining] Yeah, she just said *pussy*!

    Howard: Well, pussy's okay. It's the way you say it. "Big cock" coming out of your mouth is, just not good.

    Jackie: Wait a minute. I can't say "big cock", but you can say "big cock coming out of your mouth?"

    Howard: That's right.

    Jackie: That sucks!

    [Pig Vomit, very pissed off, starts running for the studio]

    Fred Norris: [as Richard Nixon] Did you just say "big cock coming out of your mouth that sucks"?

    Howard: So Brett, what did you write down?

    Robin Quivers: [as Brett Summers] Just like the boys, Gene. I've got "cock".

    Howard: Do me a favor. Hold that up for a second so I can see your "cock".

  • Howard: [Watching "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"] Hey honey, Robin Leech says we should move to Antigua.

  • Howard: He said that men sort of evo-luted from Old World monkeys.

    Matthew Harrison Brady: Do you hear that, friends? Old World monkeys! According to Bertram Cates, we don't even descend from good American monkeys!

    [laughing]

  • Phil Stern: Two time Academy Award winner.

    Bobby: Wow, congratulations.

    Howard: Thank you. You've never heard of me, I'm a writer.

  • [ring-ring, no one answers the phone... ]

    Jake: [as he hangs up] Ahh, eat me.

    Howard: Who was it? Well what did they want?

    Dorothy Baker: [shocked] Sex.

  • Randy: [talking on the phone with Samantha] Last night at the dance, my little brother paid a buck to see your underwear.

    Samantha: [screams] Aah!

    Howard: [Her grandparents are startled by the scream] Geez! I hate that rock 'n' roll rubbish!

    Grandpa Fred: Well, I'm afraid it's here to stay, Howie.

  • Jake: Yes, hello sir, um...

    Howard: Are you the little bugger that's been calling up here all night and then hanging up?

    Jake: Would it be possible for you to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there and if so, sir, may I converse with her briefly?

    Howard: Yes it is, and NO you may not.

    Jake: Might I leave a message, sir?

    Howard: [to Grandma Baker] He wants to leave a message for Sam.

  • [on the phone with the police]

    Howard: What was he wearing? Well, uh, let's see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes... Hmm? No, he's not retarded.

  • Grandpa Fred: Hey Howard, there's your Chinaman.

    Howard: Thanks, Fred.

  • Howard: Dong. Where is my automobile?

    Long Duk Dong: Oto-mo-biiile?

    [laughing]

    Long Duk Dong: [Imitating race car. Imitating crash] Wreck. Big wreck.

    Dorothy Baker: Why, you little scuzzbag!

    [She kicks Dong in the groin]

  • Howard: We should have gone to stay with my brother!

    Linda: Your brother lives in a barn!

    Howard: Jesus was born in a barn!

  • Howard: You're not thinking of going after that snowplow alone, are you?

    Tom: Shepherd's gotta protect his flock.

  • Jordan: We know you still believe in the big fat creeper!

    Max: I don't know what you're talking about!

    Stevie: [pulls up Max's letter to Santa] Are you sure about that?

    Beth Engel: [Max tries to get his letter back and Beth stops him] Stop!

    Stevie: [starts reading Max's letter] Dear Santa, I know I haven't been great this year and I'm sorry for that, but I was really hoping you can help out me and my family this Christmas. We need you! Oh, Maxi Pad. That is so s...

    Beth Engel: [stops Max from getting his letter back] Stop, Max!

    Stevie: Blah blah blah. Bullshit, bullshit. Ah, here we go, Maxi's wishlist!

    Beth Engel: Stevie, stop! That's enough!

    Stevie: Wait, you're up first, Beth!

    [reading the letter]

    Stevie: I wish me and Beth could hang out like we used to.

    [Beth turns her head to Max]

    Stevie: Might've noticed that I don't have tons of friends.

    [Stevie pretends to feel sorry for him and Jordan mockingly smiles at Max]

    Stevie: Oh no, really Max?

    [Jordan laughs and Stevie continues reading the letter]

    Stevie: I wish my Mom and Dad could fall in love again.

    [Tom and Howard look at each other]

    Stevie: I know they get upset a lot with Dad away from home so much. I think they really just miss each other.

    [Linda comes in]

    Stevie: Also, I wish things weren't so hard for Uncle Howard and Aunt Linda.

    [Stevie and Linda look at each other]

    Stevie: So, maybe you can lend them a hand for the rest of the year.

    [turns letter around as Howard and Linda look at each other]

    Stevie: And... and that...

    [angrily facing Max]

    Stevie: Screw you, Dad does not wish we were boys!

    Sarah Engel: [smilingly enters the dining room with carambola] Who wants carambola?

    [Beth turns her head to her mother Sarah and Sarah loses her smile after realizing the situation]

    Max: [angrily gets off his chair to get his letter back] Give me the letter!

    Tom: Hey! Max?

    [Max fights with Stevie and Jordan with the adults talking in the background]

    Howard: [pulls Stevie and Jordan back] Alright, that's enough!

    Tom: You okay? Honey!

    Max: I just wanted Christmas to be like it used to be, but forget it! I hate Christmas! I hate all of you!

    [angrily and tearfully runs up to his room]

    Sarah Engel: Max? Max!

    Aunt Dorothy: Oh, lay off of him!

    [Max slams his bedroom door shut]

    Aunt Dorothy: Kid deserves a prize for telling the truth!

  • Howard: How come rich people get all the free shit?

    Linda: I don't know, honey!

  • [David and Howard are eating lunch at school and studying for the "Pleasantville" Trivia Competition]

    Howard: Okay, in the very first "Pleasantville" episode, whose window did Bud break when he was playing with his father's golf clubs?

    David: Easy: Mister Jenkins. What job did Mister Jenkins have?

    [Howard doesn't know]

    David: Salesman. What did Bud and Mary Sue name the cat they found in the gutter?

    Howard: Scout?

    David: Marmalade! All right, all right, here's one. Why did their parents come home early from their weekend at the lake?

    [Howard doesn't know]

    David: 'Cause Bud didn't answer the phone and they were worried about him.

    Howard: Man. You're unbelievable. You'll win this thing for sure. When is it on?

    David: Uh, marathon starts at 6:30, contest is tomorrow at noon.

    Howard: A thousand bucks, huh? And it's on all night?

    David: Well, of course it is, Howard. That's why they call it a marathon.

  • [Jake's job interview]

    Howard: How do you feel about slave wages?

    Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: Slave wages are okay.

    Bill: How do you feel about alcoholics?

    Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: Um, I like alcoholics?

  • Emily: Does anybody here know how many times I had to watch Funny Lady?

    Howard: It was a sequel. She was under contract.

    Emily: Fuck Barbra Streisand, and you!

  • Emily: Are you really gay?

    Howard: Hmm Hmm

    Emily: Was there oh, ANY OTHER TIME YOU MIGHT'VE TOLD ME THIS? I'm wearing a wedding dress, WHICH YOU PICKED OUT!

  • Peter: What was Barbra Streisand's eighth album?

    Howard: Color Me Barbra.

    Peter: Stud!

    Howard: Everybody knows that!

    Peter: Everybody where? The little gay bar on the prairie?

  • Howard: [at confession, about "a friend"] He's just never had a physical relationship with her.

    Father Tim: Never? In three years?

    Howard: He respects her.

    Father Tim: He's gay!

  • Howard: [entering his classroom, flustered] Class: so, uh, where were we? Romantic poetry. Shakespeare. Talented. English. Dead.

  • Howard: He may be under the influence of something. He may have joined a cult!

    Howard's dad: That little zombie.

  • [at confession]

    Father Tim: Are you Catholic?

    Howard: I have a friend who is... and he's very busy.

  • Howard: I'm a horrible person. You have every right to hate me. You should hate me. I want you to hate me! I insist that you hate me! I'm scum, I'm garbage, I'm vermin, an-an-and I'm sorry.

  • Peter Malloy: Look, everyone wants to talk to Diane Sawyer or Joan London, and my network's killing me. They want me blond!

    Howard: With your coloring?

  • Judy: Love means never having to say you're sorry.

    Howard: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

  • Judy: You don't wanna marry someone who's gonna get all wrinkled, lined and flabby!

    Howard: Everyone gets wrinkled, lined and flabby!

    Judy: By next week?

  • Judge Maxwell: I think I want to skip over this part, too.

    Howard: That night, I went back to my room and she was in the bath.

    Judge Maxwell: Who was there? No, don't tell me, just go on.

    Howard: When Eunice walked in and the drapes caught fire, everything burned. They asked me to leave. I really don't blame them.

    Judge Maxwell: Good boy. Is there more?

    Howard: Sure.

    Judge Maxwell: There's more.

    Howard: Well, the next day, today, Mr. Larrabee asked me to his house with my rocks and to bring Eunice. Or rather, Burnsy, the one he thinks is Eunice. Is that clear?

    Judge Maxwell: No, but it's consistent.

    Howard: Shall I go back over it?

    Judge Maxwell: No, please, I beg you, don't. Just go on.

    Howard: It gets kind of complicated now. First, there was this trouble between me and Hugh.

    Judge Maxwell: You and me?

    Howard: No, not you. Hugh.

    Hugh: I am Hugh.

    Judge Maxwell: You are me?

    Hugh: No, I am Hugh.

    Judge Maxwell: Stop saying that!

    [to bayliff]

    Judge Maxwell: Make him stop saying that!

    Hugh: Don't touch me, I'm a doctor.

    Judge Maxwell: Of what?

    Hugh: Music.

    Judge Maxwell: Can you fix a hi-fi?

    Hugh: No, sir.

    Judge Maxwell: Then shut up!

  • Howard: Good morning.

    Mr Kaltenborn: No, I don't think so. I'm Mr Kaltenborn, the manager of what's left of the hotel.

    Howard: I'm sorry about all this whole mess here. Usually this doesn't happen.

    Mr Kaltenborn: Dr Bannister, I have a message for you from the staff of the hotel.

    Howard: What is it?

    Mr Kaltenborn: Goodbye.

    Howard: That's the entire message?

    Mr Kaltenborn: We would appreciate it if you would check out.

    Howard: When?

    Mr Kaltenborn: Yesterday.

    Howard: That soon?

  • [Meeting Mr. Larabee]

    Howard: You! You!

    Judy: Eu-nice. Eunice. We've almost gotten that stammer cured.

    Howard: How! How!

    Judy: How-ard. Howard. He always gets stuck on names. It must be the excitement of meeting you for the first time.

  • [Howard walks into the hotel gift shop, wanders around, picks up a big rock, a souvenir of Alcatraz, and taps it with a tuning fork]

    Judy: What's up, Doc?

    Howard: I beg your pardon?

    Judy: We've gotta stop meeting like this.

    Howard: I think you're making a mistake. You see, I just came in here for something for a headache.

    Judy: You're gonna need an awful big glass of water to get that down.

    Howard: What? Oh no, no you see I'm a musicologist. I was just testing this specimen for inherent tonal qualities. I have this theory about early man's musical relationship to igneous rock formations. But I guess you're not really interested in igneous rock formations.

    Judy: Not as much as I am in the sedimentary or metamorphic rock categories. I mean, I can take your igneous rocks or leave 'em. I relate primarily to micas, quartz, feldspar. You can keep your Pyroxenes, magnetites and coarse grained plutonics as far as I'm concerned.

    Howard: I forgot why I came in here.

    Judy: Headache.

    Howard: Oh, yes. Thank you. And good bye.

  • Eunice: I'm not looking for romance, Howard.

    Howard: Oh?

    Eunice: No, I'm looking for something more important than that, something stronger. As the years go by, romance fades and something else takes its place. Do you know what that is?

    Howard: Senility?

    Eunice: Trust!

    Howard: That's what I meant.

  • Eunice: Now, tell me how you are going to introduce yourself.

    Howard: What? Oh, well, I'll probably say something like "Hello there, Mr Larrabee. I'm Howard."

    Eunice: You are not.

    Howard: I am not Howard.

    Eunice: You are not going to say "Hi, my name's Howard." Anyone could say that! Anyone.

    Howard: Anyone named Howard.

  • [Howard returns to his room after the dinner and starts changing into his pyjamas]

    Judy: [calling from the bathroom] Hello out there.

    Howard: [responding automatically] Hello.

    [mutters to himself]

    Judy: [calling from the bathroom] What?

    [Howard runs to the bathroom and drops his pyjama trousers, Judy's taking a big bubble bath]

    Judy: I believe you dropped something.

    Howard: What do you think you are doing?

    Judy: I think I'm taking a bath aren't I?

    Howard: If you're not out of here in two minutes, I'm calling the police.

    Judy: Who do you think they'll arrest? The girl in the tub or the guy with his pants down?

    Howard: I am not joking now. I do not like to act rashly, but you are the last straw that breaks my camel's back, you are the plague, you bring havoc and chaos to everyone, but why to me? Why me? Why?

    Judy: Because you look cute in your pyjamas, Steve.

    Howard: GET OUT!

    Judy: Right now?

    Howard: YES!

    [Judy starts to get out the bath]

    Howard: No! Wait a minute!

  • Eunice: [fighting off a waiter trying to restrain her] Howard! Howard Bannister! They're trying, they're trying to keep me out!

    Frederick Larrabee: [to Howard] Who is that dangerously unbalanced woman?

    Eunice: Howard! Howard! Tell them who I am. Tell them who I am. I *demand* that you tell them who I am right this minute.

    Howard: [after a long pause] I never saw this woman before in my life.

    [Eunice faints and is dragged from the room, leaving scuff marks on the floor. Judy whistles]

  • Judy: I know I'm different, but from now on I'm going to try and be the same.

    Howard: The same as what?

    Judy: The same as people who aren't different.

  • Howard: Sir, my name is Howard Bannister and I'm from Ames, Iowa.

    Judge Maxwell: No excuse.

    Howard: No, sir, it all started when I bumped my head in the taxi... on the way in from the airport.

    Judge Maxwell: Are you pleading insanity or amnesia?

    Howard: Neither. I went to the drugstore to get something for a headache... the druggist tried to charge me for a radio. She said her husband would pay for it. But I didn't, of course.

    Judge Maxwell: Of course.

    Howard: She ripped my jacket and when Eunice came along...

    Judge Maxwell: Who's Eunice?

    Howard: Eunice is my fiancée.

    Judge Maxwell: You have a wife AND a fiancée?

    Howard: No, sir. But, she kept calling me "Steve."

    Judge Maxwell: Your own fiancée calls you "Steve?"

    Howard: No, sir, my wife. Or rather, the one who ISN'T my wife.

    Judge Maxwell: What does the one who isn't your FIANCEE call you? Howard?

    Howard: No, sir, the one who isn't my fiancée doesn't call me Howard and the one who isn't my wife doesn't call me Howard because the one who isn't my fiancée is also the one who isn't my wife. The other one who ISN'T my wife, the one who IS my fiancée... she doesn't call me "Steve." She calls me Howard. Do you see?

    Judge Maxwell: Let's just skip over this part, and move on.

    Howard: That night at the banquet she was there again.

    Judge Maxwell: Who was there, your wife or your fiancée?

    Howard: Neither.

    Judge Maxwell: There's a third?

    Howard: No, sir, the one who isn't either. Everyone was calling her "Burnsy."

    Judge Maxwell: Why?

    Howard: That's short for Burns, Eunice's last name.

    Judge Maxwell: Eunice WAS there.

    Howard: No, sir, BURNSY was there. Or rather, the one who ISN'T Burnsy.

  • Howard: What am I gonna tell Eunice?

    Judy: That's the easy part. You go up to her room. She answers the door; now she will have been crying so her eyes will be all bloodshot and her nose will be all red and runny, but you look past all that. You stare purposefully into those red-rimmed, swollen eyes, and you say, "Eunice, my dear, there's been a terrible mistake. I've behaved like a cad, a bounder! But now I see everything clearly and I've decided that Judy and I are gonna put you into a home."

    Howard: That is not funny!

  • Judy: Well, this last time was not my fault.

    Howard: What happened?

    Judy: Nothing, nothing, really. It was just a little classroom, it sort of burned down.

    Howard: Burned down?

    Judy: Well, blew up actually.

    Howard: Political activism?

    Judy: Chemistry major.

    Howard: I see.

  • Howard: I'm not repeating myself. I'm not repeating myself. Oh, God, I'm repeating myself.

  • Judy: Steve, you didn't tell me you were married.

    Howard: We're not married.

    Judy: Congratulations.

    Eunice: But we will be soon.

    Judy: Condolences.

  • Howard: Mr. Larrabee, it's a privilege to meet you. I'm Doctor Howard Bannister.

    Headwaiter: And I'm your headwaiter, Rudy.

  • [Judy and Howard have their heads under the table, Howard is trying to convince Judy to leave, Frederick joins them]

    Frederick Larrabee: What's going on down here? You two just can't keep away from each other, can you?

    Howard: Oh, we were just talking.

    Hugh: [Joins them] Are you all right Mr Larrabee? Can I help?

    Frederick Larrabee: No, it's fine, we were just chatting.

    Musicologist: [Joins them] What's the matter?

    Musicologist: [Joins them] Anything wrong?

    Frederick Larrabee: No.

    Judy: We're just testing a theory Howard has about Vocal Reverberation Under Spinal Pressure.

    Professor Hosquith: [Joins them] What? Vocal Reverberation Under Spinal Pressure?

    Judy: You know, V.R.U.S.P.?

    Musicologist: Oh yes!

    Musicologist: I think I read a monograph on that.

  • Frederick Larrabee: We would like to hear the story that Miss Burns...

    Judy: Burnsey!

    Frederick Larrabee: That Burnsey...

    Howard: He's calling her Burnsey.

    Frederick Larrabee: That Burnsey was telling us. What was it Howard? Some incredible adventure you had on your flight here?

    Howard: Yes. No.

    Judy: I'm afraid my Howard is too modest to tell you the story himself. It all started when we passed the point of no return.

    Howard: I think we just passed it.

    Judy: One of the engines failed and the flux valve refused to disconnect. One of the pilots fainted from an over supply of fear and went into this power dive. So Howard took his rocks into the cockpit and selected two of them with a particularly high magnetic content and set up an electrically induced field pattern on the giro counter...

    Howard: I'm having a nightmare.

  • Howard: Sir, I must point out to you...

    Frederick Larrabee: I must point out to you that foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

    Judy: Emerson!

    Frederick Larrabee: I beg your pardon?

    Judy: Ralph Waldo Emerson, born 1803 died 1882.

    Frederick Larrabee: You like Emerson?

    Judy: I adore him.

    Frederick Larrabee: I adore anyone who adores Emerson.

    Judy: And I adore anyone who adores anyone who adores Emerson, your turn!

    Frederick Larrabee: She's a delight Bannister, a delight and you're a lucky dog.

    Howard: I...

    Frederick Larrabee: Admit it! Admit you're a lucky dog.

    Howard: I'm a lucky dog.

    Frederick Larrabee: Miss Burns, may I call you Eunice?

    Howard: No!

    Frederick Larrabee: What's that?

    Judy: What Howard means is that back where we come from everyone calls me Burnsey.

    Frederick Larrabee: Burnsey! I like that.

  • Howard: Eunice. Eunice. Eunice, please open the door, I have wonderful news.

    Eunice: I do not want your apologies Howard. I think it is too late for that.

    Howard: All right. No apologies.

    Eunice: Have you no heart? I would have thought after all you have done you would come crawling for forgiveness.

  • Howard: What are you doing? This is a one way street!

    Judy: We're only going one way.

  • Judy: [resisting hiding on the ledge outside the window] I can't I'm terrified of heights.

    Howard: There's a ledge.

    Judy: I have ledge-o-phobia.

    Howard: [Eunice bangs on door] Just until I can get rid of her.

    Judy: I can't!

    Howard: [Eunice bangs again] She's got a terrible temper!

    Judy: I can't!

    Howard: She studies karate.

    Judy: Maybe I can.

  • Judy: I think I'll get dressed now.

    Eunice: [on telephone] Howard, who was that?

    Howard: Who was what?

    Eunice: I heard a voice say something about getting dressed.

    Howard: It's the television set, Eunice. There's a movie on, a war movie. They're getting dressed for the big battle.

    Eunice: It was a woman's voice!

    Howard: Yes, they're lady soldiers, Eunice. It's called the "Fighting WACs".

  • Judy: Aw come-on, Steve, you don't want to marry Eunice.

    Howard: I'm not Steve. I'm Howard.

    Judy: Well neither of you wants to marry Eunice.

    Howard: Why do you say that?

    Judy: Because you don't want to marry someone who's gonna get all wrinkled, lined, and flabby.

    Howard: Everybody gets wrinkled, lined, and flabby!

    Judy: By next week?

  • Judy: I can't see!

    Howard: There's nothing to see really, we're inside a Chinese dragon.

  • [Judy and Howard's Volkswagen Beetle is speeding along a pier towards a departing ferry]

    Judy: We can make it...

    Howard: No.

    Judy: We can make it...

    Howard: No.

    Judy: [the beetle arcs gracefully into San Francisco Bay] I don't think we can make it.

  • Judy: It wasn't all bad was it? Although it was terrible they took the grant away from you.

    Howard: They had to do that. You see, the foundation just isn't used to having to bail its founder out of jail.

  • Eunice: Well come in, I'll do your tie.

    Howard: What tie is that Eunice?

    Eunice: Your tie. The tie in your hand.

  • Howard: I can't see!

    Judy: Here, I'll clean your glasses.

    [removes his glasses]

    Howard: Now I really can't see. Judy, I can't see.

    [Judy returns his glasses]

    Howard: Oh God. I can see.

    [throws his glasses out of the car window]

  • Judy: Ooh, hey look at that! Go up there!

    Howard: What? No!

    Judy: Yes!

    [they drive onto a car transport full of other vw beetles]

    Howard: Now what?

    Judy: Back up.

    Howard: I knew you'd say that.

  • Judy: I forgot. I forgot to give you this letter. It was under your door when I came back to your room last night.

    Howard: Did you open this?

    Judy: How else could I have read it?

  • Howard: [introducing himself to Mr. Larrabee] Mr. Priviledge, it's a Larrabee to meet you, sir. No that's not right. Anyway it's nice to see you, sir.

  • Eunice: What is that?

    Howard: It's a bath, Eunice. I was going to take a bath.

    Eunice: Since when do you take bubble baths?

    Howard: It came out of the faucet that way.

  • Judy: Having fun?

    Howard: I can't find my rocks.

    Judy: Lets grab the cases.

    Howard: Which ones?

    Judy: All of them.

  • Judy: Ah, I got an idea.

    Howard: What?

    Judy: Stick with me. Stick with me kid.

    Howard: This is a terrible thing we're doing.

    Judy: Nonsense, you're gonna love it.

    [they hijack a blue VW Beetle that has been decorarted as a get away car]

  • Eunice: Since when have you taken bubble baths?

    Howard: It came out of the faucet that way, Eunice.

  • Howard: I am not repeating myself, I am not repeating myself... Oh God, I'm repeating myself!

  • Howard: See? Now the phone is ringing.

  • Howard: Put that cookie down. NOW!

  • Howard: Aww, poor baby!

  • Howard: This can't happen. It's just a doll. It's just a stupid little plastic doll.

    Myron: Ah ah, that's "action figure".

  • [on the phone with Jamie after a grueling morning searching for a Turbo Man doll, Jamie quotes something from Turbo Man to him, and momentarily unaware that Jamie knows nothing about his situation, he finally loses it]

    Howard: Enough with this Turbo Man! I have had it up to here with this Turbo Man! If there's anybody I don't want advice from right now, it's Turbo Man!

  • Howard: Boys, I don't want to speak ill of your mother on Christmas, but she's nothing but a common street whore.

  • Howard: Your grandmother's boyfriend is a first-class ass sniffer! And you can tell him that I said so.

  • Brad: I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a ten dollar spending cap.

    Howard: Well, maybe if you came home more than once a decade, you'd know crap like that!

  • Belle: Call the police!

    Howard: I did!

    [Enter Yablonski; Belle karate-chops his arm and grabs his gun]

    Belle: Call the police!

    Deke Yablonski: [grabbing his gun back] God damn it, lady! I AM the police!

  • [Dudley drives up in a motorcycle dressed in black leather]

    Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: Do you really think wearing black will make you a bad guy?

    Dudley Do-Right: I'm wearing black! You just have on navy blue!

    [shows their sleeves to compare]

    Dudley Do-Right: See?

    Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: HOWARD! Why am I wearing navy blue?

    Howard: I just thought it would look better on you...

    Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: [paints on Howard's face] Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

  • Howard: Well, here's the money, but where's the gold?

    Kenneth: Whiplash took it.

    Barry: Where is Whiplash?

    Howard: He's gotta be here somewhere.

    Shane: [shouting] Snidely?

    Howard: He took off with all the gold. All we have is this measly $26,000.

    Barry: We gotta find Whip. He's tricked us.

    Howard: And when we do, we're gonna kill him... reeeeeeally slowly.

    Kenneth: Yeah, but where is he, huh?

    Barry: Now, that's a good question.

    Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: [from behind a mask] I heard he was in the Sudan.

    Barry: Where's that?

    Howard: In Africa, stupid.

    Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: He's supposed to be at the Hilton Hotel.

    Howard: The Hilton, eh?

    Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: Mmm.

    Howard: Come on, boys! Let's go get him!

    [all the bad guys rush out]

  • [first lines]

    Howard: Did you ever think some deep down place that you were really something else? And if you could just strip away that filthy ditch shell you've been walking around, you'd be reborn. In something new. Something more beautiful that anything ever imagined.

  • Aldo: Oh, I'm sorry. Rolf's a better bodyguard than a driver.

    Rolf: How you're doing?

    Howard: Rolf, huh? What happened to Trip? You guys broke up?

    Aldo: Don't be ridiculous, Howard. I'm a happily married man.

    Howard: Yeah, so is Mr. Brady.

  • Howard: It's okay, you're okay.

    [Lydia screams after seeing him bleeding]

  • Marcy: [stops kissing Howard] What? What am I doing?

    [leaving the apartment]

    Howard: No, wait!

    Marcy: No, I'm sorry, you know, no, no, I'm just having a really tough time right now and I don't want to do something that makes me want to kill myself later.

    [short break]

    Marcy: That didn't come out exactly the way I meant.

  • Howard: I get so used to saying what people want to hear I forget sometimes they might just want the truth.

  • Howard: Look at you! You are fucking handicapped! You think you can choose? Men falling at your feet?

  • Fred Williams: Stand up, Buster

    Howard: I am standing up.

    Fred Williams: If you had any guts you'd be taller!

  • Howard: Oh my balls! I have no balls Liz! All I have is a fat set of petty dictators sewn up in cheap leather.

    Lisabeth Hepburn-Saravian: Howard I am really worried about you.

    Howard: A couple of greedy monsters dangling in a smarmy woman's purse. the kind you buy at Q-Mart. Monogamy was my kingdom and they have exiled me!

  • Howard: After all I've done for you, it should be automatic. Family is family! Blood is blood! You don't ask questions. You protect your own.

  • Howard: Let's get out of here before the tabloids get here.

    Anna Nicole Smith: I don't need another lawsuit.

  • Amy: [as the personification of Love] I know you don't believe me, but you have to trust me.

    Howard: Trust you? Trust you?

    Amy: Yes!

    Howard: I *did* trust you! And you betrayed me! I saw you every day in her eyes, and I heard you in her voice when she laughed, and I felt you inside of me when she called me "Daddy." And you betrayed me! You broke my heart.

    Amy: No. I'm in all of it. I'm the darkness and the light, I'm the sunshine and the storm. Yes, you're right, I was there in her laugh, but I'm also here now in your pain. I'm the reason for everything. I am the only "why." Don't try and live without me, Howard. Please don't.

  • Howard: [from the trailer]

    [to love personified by Claire on his late daughter]

    Howard: I FELT YOU Everyday When She

    [Olivia]

    Howard: Laughed... And You BROKE MY HEART!

    Claire: [Reassuring] I Was THERE In Her LAUGH! But I'm Also HERE NOW In Your PAIN!

  • Howard: Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream!

  • Howard: I've heard all of your platitudes. I got them, I know. "She's in a better place." And, "This is all a part of a master plan." Heard that one, too. Here's my favorite. "God looked down and saw the most beautiful rose, so beautiful that he picked it to have it in Heaven all for Himself." Then there's the science, biocentrism, and we're all living and dying in infinite universes all at the same time. And then the religion, the Christians and their salvation, and the Buddhists and their Samsara, and the Hindus and their 41st sacrament. And can't forget the poetry. Oh, the poetry. "To die is different from what anyone supposed and luckier." Whitman. And, "Rage... Rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right." Thomas. And then...

    Howard: [singing] Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream Merrily, merrily merrily, merrily Life is but a dream I got it. I got it! It all basically says that you're a natural part of life, we shouldn't hate you, we shouldn't fear you. I guess we should just accept you, right? That's it? I get it. Here's the thing. It's all a bunch of intellectual bullshit because she's not here holding my fucking hand.

  • Howard: Death came first. She met me in the dog park.

    Madeline: Oh, so Death is a "her?"

    Howard: Uh, yeah. It turns out Death is an elderly white woman.

  • Howard: Crazy is building your ark after the flood has already come.

  • Howard: [the three friends are playing charades in the shelter] I'm always watching.

    Emmett: Uh, God...?

    Howard: [solemnly] I know what you're doing. I see everything.

    Emmett: [faltering] Wha... uh, uh...

    Howard: I see you when you're sleeping! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

    Emmett: ...Um...

    [Emmet and Michelle stare at each other nervously]

    Howard: [seemingly going into a fit] I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO! I SEE EVERYTHING YOU DO! I'M ALWAYS WATCHING!

    Emmett: Uh, Howard...?

    Michelle: [blurting out] Santa Claus!

    Howard: [suddenly calm and cheerful] ... Yeah, Michelle! Except it was Emmet's turn, not yours. I'm claiming five points.

  • Howard: [deformed, sing-songy] Michelle...!

    [begins stabbing at Michelle through the air vents]

    Howard: [pleading] Don't leave me! You don't know what's out there!

  • Howard: Have a drink.

    Michelle: What is it?

    Howard: ...Technically, it's vodka... it's safe, I distilled it myself.

    [Michelle tries some and then makes a disgusted face]

    Howard: I just said I distilled it, I didn't say anything about it actually tasting good.

  • Howard: I know that this isn't the life that you prefer, and that it's been hard for you to come down here... but I really want us to be a happy family, you and me. The mess is all taken care of... so, I'll go get dinner started.

  • Howard: People are strange creatures. You can't always convince them that safety is in their best interest.

  • Howard: [talking about his 50-gallon drum of bubbling chemical acid] It's used as rocket fuel on the launch pads in Seattle... HIGHLY corrosive.

    [Emmet and Michelle exchange horrified glances, knowing what Howard intends to do with the acid]

  • Howard: One chance to answer with some dignity or I swear you're going into this barrel while you're still alive to feel the pain!

  • Howard: [voice distorted with pain] You can't run from them! STAY WITH ME!

  • Howard: I saved your life, you know! I couldn't just leave you there.

  • Howard: I'm sorry, but no one's looking for you.

  • Howard: [angrily] You think I don't know what's goin' on around here?

  • Howard: NO! NO! No, no! No! Don't open that door! You're going to get all of us killed!

  • Howard: My goal in life was to be prepared - and I WAS.

  • Howard: [Yelling at Michelle] You need to eat, you need to sleep, and you need to start showing me a little more appreciation around here!

  • Michelle: [to Howard, about using the toilet] I... I can't go with you standing right here!

    Howard: Look, I'm not some pervert! Just go!... Don't flush until you've gone. Flushing wastes water.

  • Howard: I have a collection of films on DVD and VHS cassette... make sure you put 'em back when you're done with 'em. We're gonna be down here for a very long time.

  • Howard: [Referring to Michelle] You've got a lot of fight in you... I respect that.

  • Howard: You gonna walk out on ME? After I've saved you and kept you safe, this is how you repay me?

    [Michelle screams and tips over the corrosive acid onto Howard. He moans in agony as his face melts off right down to the bone on one side, and Michelle runs]

  • Howard: Everything I wanted to do I did. I focused on being prepared. And I was. And here we are.

  • Howard: He knocked over a shelf with a whole week's worth of food!... But he's sorry, aren't you?

    Emmett: [nonchalant] ... Totally.

    Howard: [Realizing that Michelle has noticed Emmet's injuries] That's what happens when you don't behave. Now I'm gonna tell you the same thing that I told him - you need to eat, you need to sleep and you need to start showing me a little more appreciation around here!

  • Howard: ...I accept your apology.

    [Howard suddenly whips out a handgun and shoots Emmet in the head, killing him instantly and spraying blood and gore across the wall. Michelle silently screams, fearful and grief-stricken at the loss of her friend. Howard hugs her and tells her that it was for the best]

  • Joel: Is there any risk of brain damage?

    Howard: Well, technically speaking, the operation is brain damage, but it's on a par with a night of heavy drinking. Nothing you'll miss.

  • Howard: ...Our files are confidential Mr. Barish so we can't show you any evidence. Suffice it to say, Miss Kruczynski was not happy and she wanted to move on. We provide that possibility.

  • Howard: You want to empty your home, you want to empty your life, of Clementine.

  • Howard: [overlapping speech] We'll dispose of these mementos when we're done here, that way you won't be confused by their unexplainable presence in your home.

  • [Patterson realizes his section report is missing]

    Patterson: Will you gentlemen excuse me for one moment? Right back.

    [Leaves meeting and walks up to Michael]

    Patterson: What have you done?

    Michael: What do you mean?

    Patterson: Oh, you know damn well what I mean. There are batting averages in my section report.

    Michael: Batting averages? That seems strange. Are you sure they're not batting champions?

    Patterson: I'm in a meeting, you swine, with Howard and two penchant funders. Where's my section report?

    Michael: Where's my schedule 47?

    Howard: [walking up from behind] Patterson, is everything alright?

    Michael: Yes, Howard, fine.

    Howard: Michael, I heard something was wrong with your schedule 47. Not true is it?

    Michael: I don't know, I mean everything's all, you know, set, ready to roll.

    Howard: Good, because so are we.

    Patterson: Yes Howard, one moment.

    [Howard walks away]

    Patterson: Look, I'm not admitting to anything, of course.

    Michael: Of course not.

    Patterson: But, if you get me mine, I can see about getting yours back.

    Michael: [Michael shakes his head]

    Patterson: What do you want?

    Michael: I want you to go down to your office...

    Patterson: I'm in a meeting.

    Michael: Go down to your office, and get my report back online in sixty seconds.

    [Patterson walks away shocked]

  • Buzz Collins: Well, you'll like working here, Boy. I've hired all the senator's butlers for the past ten years. Hundreds of them. He's a little intolerant at times, but that's just his blood pressure. Now, let's see you serve that julep.

    [Howard serves it]

    Buzz Collins: Oh, no. Rawkins won't like that, that's no way to serve a julep. It's too fast. Get some shuffle into it. You've seen some of the new movies like 'Birth of a Nation' and 'Gone With the Wind,' haven't you? Here, like this, George.

    Howard: Howard.

    Buzz Collins: Yeah, okay, Jackson.

    [He does a splay-legged shuffle and imitates Rochester]

    Buzz Collins: Yo' julep suh, Massa Rawkins, suh, all frossy an' minty, yawk! Yawk! Yawk! You see, George?

    Howard: Uh... why do I have to shuffle?

    Buzz Collins: Oh, I don't have to explain that to you. It makes for kindly feelings between employer and employee. Now try it again, only not so fast this time.

    Howard: Uh... how did you do that again?

    Buzz Collins: I don't understand you Jackson. I mean, you don't walk like your supposed to, you don't talk like you're supposed to, you don't even know how to serve a julep like you're supposed to! Are you educated or something?

    Howard: Well, I'm working on my Masters.

    Buzz Collins: Working on your master's what?

    Howard: It's a college degree!

    Buzz Collins: Oh! Don't mention the word 'college' around the Senator! It upsets him. But that's beside the point, George. Do you want a job here or don't you?

    Howard: Well, yes sir I do, I... Ah needs da money.

    Buzz Collins: [cheerful] Oh! Well, that's all the more reason for you to make good here. Then when you get your... college degree, you've got a job here for life!

  • Eddie Chandler: Where the hell are we?

    Howard: Hell is a place, not a expression. Watch your language.

  • Howard: See? This is what I'm talking about. Us sitting together, like a family, and having breakfast.

  • Howard: Randolph! They're all dead!

    Randolph: [closing the Necronomicon] That's to be expected.

  • Howard: There are good people and there are bad people and they're on their way and they want you, Simon... The bad people can save you but they won't. The good people wanna save you but they can't.

  • Howard: If I don't remove your hard drive, you will either die, or farm will get ya.

  • [last lines]

    Howard: Ya know, you're gonna feel more comfortable for a while. And you're gonna sleep. And when you wake up, everything is gonna be different. Everything is gonna be good. And the time that we woke up, is the time we fall back. It's just the beginning.

  • Howard: You'll be fine. You have a conscience. That's all you need.

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Characters on Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2007)