Homer Simpson Quotes in The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Marge Simpson: Homer, you have to go out there, face that mob, and apologize for what you did.

Homer Simpson: I would, but I'm afraid if I open the door, they'll take all of you!

Carl: No we won't. We just want Homer!

Homer Simpson: Well, maybe not you, but they'll kill Grandpa!

Grampa: I'm part of the mob!

Homer Simpson: [after being trapped in the dome] D'OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHME!

[about the Itchy and Scratchy movie in the cinema hall]

Homer Simpson: I can't believe we're paying to see something we get on TV for free! If you ask me, everybody in this theater is a giant sucker! Especially you!

[points to us]

Marge Simpson: [to Lisa] Honey, that's great. But the very best thing is that he listens to you. Because nothing means more than for a man to...

[looks up in surprise]

Marge Simpson: How did the pig tracks get on the ceiling?

[cuts to Homer holding a pig to the ceiling]

Homer Simpson: [singing Tune to Spider-Man Theme Song] Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig. / Does whatever a Spider-Pig does. / Can he swing / from a web? / No he *can't*, / He's a pig. / Look out! / He is the Spider-Pig!

[Bart claps]

Lisa Simpson: What are you doing, Bart?

Bart Simpson: Eh, just passing the time.

[Bart claps, snow repeatedly falls on Homer]

Homer Simpson: Aw, my boy loves Alaska so much, he's applauding it. Lisa, why aren't you clapping?

Lisa Simpson: But Dad!

Homer Simpson: [sternly] Clap for Alaska!

[Lisa claps along with Bart]

Homer Simpson: [Homer is buried under an avalanche]

Bart Simpson: You know, we are on the roof. We could have some fun.

Homer Simpson: What kind of fun?

Bart Simpson: How bout a dare contest?

Homer Simpson: That sounds fun. I dare you to... climb the T.V. antennae.

Bart Simpson: [Bart climbs it easily] Piece of cake.

Homer Simpson: [starts shaking the antennae] Earthquake!

[Bart falls off and hangs onto the railing]

Homer Simpson: [starts shaking the railing] Aftershock!

Ned Flanders: Uh, Homer, I don't mean to be a nervis-pervis or anything, but if he falls, couldn't that make your boy a parapleg-a-rino?

Homer Simpson: Shut up, Flanders!

Bart Simpson: Yeah, shut up, Flanders!

Homer Simpson: Well said, boy.

Russ Cargill: [levels a shotgun at Homer and Bart]

Russ Cargill: Hello, Homer.

Homer Simpson: So, we meet at last, whoever you are.

Russ Cargill: There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School, one is how to cope with defeat, the other is how to handle a shotgun, I'm going to do both right now.

Bart Simpson: Wait! But if you kill my dad, you'll never know where the treasure is buried!

Russ Cargill: What treasure?

Bart Simpson: Uhm, the treasure of Ima Wiener.

Russ Cargill: I'm a wiener?

[Homer and Bart laugh]

Homer Simpson: Classic!

Russ Cargill: Well, always leave them laughing. Goodbye, sir.

[Cargill aims the shotgun, right as he is about to fire a boulder falls on him KOing him, the camera pans up to show Maggie]

Homer Simpson: Maggie! What a great little accident you turned out to be!

[Maggie winks and does a hand gun at Homer]

Homer Simpson: Okay, son. You have only one chance to throw that bomb through the hole.

Bart Simpson: Dad, in case I don't make it, I'm sorry I said I wish you weren't my dad.

Homer Simpson: I don't blame you, son. I've never been that good of a father. Maybe it all starts with the way my father raised me. Yes, it's all clear to me. It's all just been one long, unbroken chain of...

Marge Simpson: Somebody throw the goddamn bomb!

[Homer is whipping the dogs pulling his sled]

Homer Simpson: Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run!

Homer Simpson: [the dogs jump over a cliff] Jump! Jump!

Homer Simpson: [the dogs land on the other side] Land! Land!

Homer Simpson: [still whipping the dogs as they take a breather] Rest! Rest!

Homer Simpson: [the dogs pull the sled again] Run! Run!

Homer Simpson: [Homer sets up camp and begins removing the dog muzzles] Okay, I know we've had a rough day, but I'm sure we can put that all behind us and...

Homer Simpson: [the dogs start attacking Homer, causing him to scream in pain] AGH! Not my whipping arm!

Homer Simpson: [the dogs leave Homer stranded] Why does everything I whip leave me?

Bart Simpson: [blushing] Did you at least bring my clothes?

Homer Simpson: Shirt, socks, everything you need.

Bart Simpson: [covering up privates] You didn't bring my pants!

Homer Simpson: Who am I, Tommy Bahama?

Bart Simpson: [face is completely red, sobs] Oh, this is the worst day of my life.

Homer Simpson: The worst day of your life so far.

Homer Simpson: Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married to someone who's recklessly impulsive?

Marge Simpson: Actually, it's aged me horribly.

Homer Simpson: We have a great life here in Alaska, and we're never going back to America again!

Ned Flanders: The Good Lord is telling me to confess to something...

Homer Simpson: [whispering hopefully, with his fingers crossed] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay...

Bart Simpson: Look what I did to *your* picture!

[Bart holds up a picture of Homer, on which he has drawn Flanders-style hair, glasses and a mustache]

Homer Simpson: AHHH!

Bart Simpson: Howdily-doodily! Howdily-doodily! Howdily-doodily!

Homer Simpson: Why you little...!

[Homer begins strangling Bart]

Homer Simpson: I'll strangle-angle you!

Toll Booth Man: Welcome to Alaska. Here's a thousand dollars.

Homer Simpson: Well, it's about time! But why?

Toll Booth Man: We pay every resident a thousand dollars to allow the oil companies to ravage our state's natural beauty.

Homer Simpson: [hugs toll booth man] I'm home!

Homer Simpson: All right, boy. Time for the ultimate dare. I dare you to skateboard to Krusty Burger... and back... *naked*.

Bart Simpson: How naked?

Homer Simpson: Fourth base.

Bart Simpson: But girls might see my doodle.

Homer Simpson: Oh, I see. Then I hereby declare you "chicken for life". Every morning you'll wake up to "Good morning chicken!" At your wedding, I'll sing...

Homer Simpson: [clucks the wedding march] Buck-buck-bu-buck!

Homer Simpson: [Pig nudges the plank the Simpsons are using to escape] No, Plopper. If you push that, daddy will die.

Pig: [looks at Homer and pushes plank] Oink.

Homer Simpson: He's not Spider-Pig anymore, he's Harry Plopper.

Homer Simpson: So, who wants waffles?

Bart Simpson, Grampa, Lisa Simpson: I do! I do! I do!

Marge Simpson: What about Grampa?

Bart Simpson: I want syrup!

Lisa Simpson: I want strawberries!

Marge Simpson: Shouldn't we be concerned about what happened in church?

Homer Simpson: I'll tell you what happened. A certain someone had a senior moment, but that's okay, because we love him anyway, and we got a free rug out of it.

[Kisses Grampa on the forehead]

Marge Simpson: What's the point of going to church every Sunday if when someone we love has a genuine religious experience we ignore it? Right, Grampa?

Grampa: I want bananas on my waffles.

Homer Simpson: I rest my case.

Homer Simpson: Okay, epiphany, epiphany... oh I know! Bananas are an excellent source of potassium!

[gets slapped]

Homer Simpson: Ow! Uh, America will never embrace soccer.

[gets slapped]

Homer Simpson: More than two shakes and it's playing with yourself?

Homer Simpson: I'll let you hold the bomb...

Bart Simpson: The man knows me!

Marge Simpson: [grimacing at the overflowing 'Pig Crap' silo] He filled up the whole silo in just two days?

Homer Simpson: [proudly] Well, I helped.

Homer Simpson: That could be anybody's Pig Crap silo.

[on TV, the cops rotate the silo to reveal "Return to Homer Simpson - No Reward"]

Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Homer Simpson: A lot of people worked hard on this film, and all they ask is for you to memorize their names.

Lisa Simpson: You monster! You monster!

Homer Simpson: Uh, did you see the news?

Marge Simpson: Homer, in every marriage you get one chance to say, "I need you to do this with me."

Homer Simpson: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Homer Simpson: [while choking Bart for laughing at him] I'll teach you to laugh at something that's funny!

Homer Simpson: Stay back, I've got a chain saw!

[fakes chainsaw sounds vocally]

Homer Simpson: [flipping frantically through the Bible] This book doesn't have any answers!

Marge Simpson: Okay, here it goes. Homer, I've always stood up for you. When people point out your flaws, I always say, "Well, sometimes you have to stand back to appreciate a work of art."

Homer Simpson: Way back.

Marge Simpson: Lately, what's keeping us together is my ability to overlook everything you do. And I overlook these things because...

Homer Simpson: Because?

Marge Simpson: Well, that's the thing. I just don't know how to finish that sentence anymore. So I'm leaving with the kids to help Springfield, and we're never coming back. And to prove to myself that this is the end... I taped this over our wedding video. Good-bye, Homie.

Bart Simpson: [drunkenly] Mom?

Marge Simpson: Yes honey?

Bart Simpson: You just bought another load of crap from the world's fattest fertilizer salesman.

Homer Simpson: You'll pay for ruining the golden family moment!

Marge Simpson: Homer!

Bart Simpson: How are we supposed to get to Alaska without any money?

Homer Simpson: Alright, son. If you don't believe me, believe in America!

[car tyres screech to a halt outside. The Simpsons' silhouettes as the family make their way to the church door. Their conversation can also be heard]

Marge Simpson: I hate being late!

Homer Simpson: Well I hate going. Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way, by praying like hell on my death bed.

Marge Simpson: Homer, they can hear you inside!

Homer Simpson: Relax! Those pious morons are too busy talking to their phoney-baloney God!

[the family enter the church to total silence and angry looks. They make their way to their pew]

Homer Simpson: How ya doin'? Peace be with you. Praise Jebus.

Marge Simpson: Mmmm, best kiss of my life.

Homer Simpson: Best kiss of your life, so far.

Marge Simpson: Wait! There's something I have to get!

[Runs into house, unlocks "Keepsake Cabinet", grabs tape, washes dirty dish, and races out, mere steps ahead of fireball]

Homer Simpson: [Marge gets back into car] What'd you get?

Marge Simpson: Our wedding video.

Homer Simpson: We have a wedding video?

Homer Simpson: [noticing a glow] Uh, what's that ominous glow in the distance?

Angry Mob: [wielding torches] Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill...

Homer Simpson: [looking out the window] Marge, look! Those idiots don't even know where we *live*!

Angry Mob: [looking round, seeing Homer] Kill, kill, kill, kill...

Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Grampa: Homer? What are you doing now?

Homer Simpson: Risking my life to save people I hate for reasons I don't quite understand. Gotta go!

Krusty the Clown: Perfect. Cut. Print. Kill the pig.

Homer Simpson: What... you can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!

Homer Simpson: Thank you, boob lady!

Homer Simpson: Homer do good?

Bart Simpson: Actually, you've doomed us all. Again.

Homer Simpson: Marge!

[runs to her, hits head in tree branch]

Homer Simpson: It's the epiphitree! I tried my best, what am I supposed to do?

[wind blows leaf so that it points to hole over dome]

Homer Simpson: But how am I supposed to get there?

[light shaft shines on motorcycle]

Homer Simpson: Oh!

[slips a dollar bill on a hole in the tree]

Homer Simpson: Here, buy yourself something nice.

Homer Simpson: Screw Springfield!

Marge Simpson: [gasps] I can't believe you'd say something so selfish.

Homer Simpson: Marge, those people chased us with pitchforks and torches. TORCHES! At four in the afternoon!

Marge Simpson: It was 7 at night.

Homer Simpson: It was during Access Hollywood.

Marge Simpson: Which is on at 4 and 7.

Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Homer Simpson: Marge, in every marriage you get one chance to say, "I need you to do this with me."

[holds out hand]

Homer Simpson: And there's only one answer when somebody says that.

Marge Simpson: [observing a silo marked "Pig Crap"] Ugh... it's leaking!

Homer Simpson: It's not leaking, it's overflowing!

Marge Simpson: He filled up the whole silo in two days?

Homer Simpson: Well I helped.

Marge Simpson: Homer, it was you! You single-handedly killed the entire town!

Homer Simpson: I know, it's *weird!*

Homer Simpson: [to Pig] Maybe *we* should kiss, just to break the tension.

Homer Simpson: [about the pig] Aw, you're gonna love him! Look, he does an impression of you!

[Homer pulls the pig's tail, causing it to bray like a donkey]

Homer Simpson: [laughing] You nailed her. He also does me.

[Homer squeezes the pig's stomach, causing it to burp; Marge giggles]

Homer Simpson: You smiled! I'm off the hook!

[Homer and Bart are at a table. We see an interior shot of Homer's mouth as he eats. Bart is angry]

Homer Simpson: Hey, what's with you?

Bart Simpson: You really wanna know?

Homer Simpson: Of course I do. What kind of father wouldn't care about

[sees something]

Homer Simpson: a pig wearing a hat!

[Krusty the Clown is filming a commercial]

Director: Action!

Krusty the Clown: Hey hey! It's your old pal Krusty for my new pork sandwich, the clogger! If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico!

[He laughs and then takes a bite of the sandwich]

Krusty the Clown: Mmm!

Director: And... we're clear.

[Krusty spits out the sandwich]

Krusty the Clown: Perfect. Cut, print, kill the pig.

[a saw is held up to the pig. It squeals in terror]

Homer Simpson: [gasps] What? You can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!

[the pig runs across to Homer, giving him a forlorn look. To the tune of 'Happy Together', Homer briefly imagines himself and the pig dancing in a field. He picks up the pig]

Homer Simpson: You're coming home with me.

Homer Simpson: [talking to himself while trudging through the snow] Must keep going. Must keep going. No I can't! Yes, you can. No I can't. Yes you can. Oh, shut up! *You* shut up! No, you! No, you! Oh, real mature! Oh, what's the point?

[falls into the snow]

Homer Simpson: That was the most incredible experience of my life! And now, to find my family, save my town, and drop ten pounds!

Homer Simpson: I dunno what to tell you, Marge! I don't think about things. I respect people who do, but... I just try to make the days not hurt until I get to crawl in next you again.

Homer Simpson: [in a noose the angry mob set up] The word "apology" is tossed around a lot these days, but when it comes from in here...

[Homer motions towards his heart, prompting someone to throw a buzzsaw at him]

Homer Simpson: D'OH!

Homer Simpson: [gets up to leave and stops in the aisle] Ooh, floor popcorn!

[picks a pile of popcorn up off the floor and begins to eat it]

Homer Simpson: Now Homer Simpson's gonna show he has cajones!

Bart Simpson: Dad!

Homer Simpson: What seems to be the problem, officers?

Bart Simpson: Tell them you dared me to do it!

Chief Wiggum: If that's true, then you should be taking the rap here, not your son.

Homer Simpson: And what happens to me if it's my fault?

Chief Wiggum: You'll have to attend a one hour parenting class.

Homer Simpson: It was all his idea! He's out of control I tell ya! Oh, I'm at my wit's end!

Marge Simpson: Homer, please get rid of that pig.

Homer Simpson: Oh you're gonna love him. Look he does an impression of you.

[Homer squeezes the pigs belly causing it to make a loud squeeling sound]

Homer Simpson: Nailed her!

[silence]

Homer Simpson: He also does me

[squeezes the pig again, causing it to burp]

Homer Simpson: .

Marge Simpson: [laughs]

Homer Simpson: You smiled! I'm off the hook.

Medicine Woman: Homer Simpson. do you know why you are here?

Homer Simpson: because my family cares more about other people then they do about me.

Medicine Woman: drink this liquid.

Homer Simpson: AHHHhHHHHHHHH more please.

Medicine Woman: now we will cleanse you spirit my the ancient Inuit art of throat singing.

Homer Simpson: throat singing?

Medicine Woman: AAAA OOO OOO OOO AAAA

Homer Simpson: hoooo ahhh hoo ah hoo ah

Homer Simpson: how long we doing this?

Medicine Woman: until you. have an epiphany.

Homer Simpson: ok?

Medicine Woman: OOOOOOOHHHH OOOHHH OOHHH

Homer Simpson: whats an epiphany?

Medicine Woman: sudden realizing, of great truth.

Homer Simpson: ok.

Homer Simpson: Well, Marge, we're separated from the kids by a wall of snow. All of our dreams are coming true.

Homer Simpson: I've always been afraid I'd screw up our lives so bad that I've had to come up with a back-up plan. And that plan is right here!

[Pulls out wallet; takes out Monopoly "Get Out Of Jail Free" card]

Homer Simpson: No.

[Takes out photo of Michael Jordan with his face taped over it]

Homer Simpson: No.

[Takes out folded piece of paper]

Homer Simpson: Bingo!

[Unfolds paper; it takes a long time]

Homer Simpson: Bear with me.

[finally unfolds paper, a huge poster of Alaska with the tagline "A Fresh Start"]

Lisa Simpson: Alaska?

Homer Simpson: Alaska! Where you can't be too fat or too drunk. When no one says things like "Let's see your high school equivalency certificate."

Homer Simpson: [introducing himself] Simpson, Homer Simpson.

Homer Simpson: Oh, Lord, forgive me for harboring such unworthy thoughts, but sometimes I wish I could tear it all down!