Heywood Quotes in Major League (1989)

Heywood: [Hayes has just reached on an infield single] You really knocked the crap out of that one.

Willie Mays Hayes: Oh, I plan to get at least a double out of this.

[shows Heywood his black gloves]

Willie Mays Hayes: I bought a hundred of these. One for every base I'm gonna steal. Excuse me while I take my first step toward the Hall of Fame.

Heywood: My ass.

Harry Doyle: [Hayes takes his lead off first base] We don't know where Hayes played last year, but I'm sure he did a hell of a job.

Heywood: Real hard to steal second with your shoe untied.

Harry Doyle: [Hayes looks down, then gets thrown out by the pitcher] Throw to first... Hayes is picked off! Personally, I think we got hosed on that call.

Heywood: How's your wife and my kids?

Heywood: Going somewhere, meat?

Willie Mays Hayes: About 90 feet.

Harry Doyle: [after Vaughn accidentally hits Coleman of the Yankees] Uh, oh.

Lou Brown: Interesting.

Harry Doyle: [Seeing the Umpire throw out Vaughn] 'Bout time it's Eight nothing.

Umpire: You, you're gone.

Rick Vaughn: What?

Umpire: You hear me, you're gone.

Rick Vaughn: He was on top of the plate.

Heywood: Oh, c'mon that's horseshit.

Lou Brown: [to Pepper] I think you can get him out of there.

Rick Vaughn: The ball slipped out of my hand, it was an accident.

Umpire: You threw at him intentionally.

Rick Vaughn: Oh, kiss my ass.

Umpire: Get out of here.

Rick Vaughn: You're full of shit, fuck you!

Umpire: Get out of here, rookie.

Rick Vaughn: Hey, why don't you blow me, ump?

Heywood: The Count of Monte Crisco...

Floyd: That's "Cristo" you dumb shit.

Heywood: ...by Alexandree Dumb-ass. Dumb-ass.

Andy Dufresne: Dumb-ass? "Dumas". You know what it's about? You'll like it, it's about a prison break.

Red: We oughta file that under "Educational" too, oughten we?

Red: These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.

Heywood: Shit. I could never get like that.

Ernie: Oh yeah? Say that when you been here as long as Brooks has.

Red: Goddamn right. They send you here for life, and that's exactly what they take. The part that counts, anyway.

Captain Hadley: Dufresne!

[to Dekins]

Captain Hadley: That's him. That's the one.

Guard Dekins: I'm Dekins. I was thinking about setting up some kind of trust fund for my kids' educations.

Andy Dufresne: Oh, I see. Well, why don't we have a seat and talk it over. Brooks, do you have a piece of paper and a pencil? Thanks. So, Mr. Dekins...

Brooks: [at lunchtime to the other prisoners] And then Andy says, "Mr. Dekins, do you want your sons to go to Harvard... or Yale?"

Floyd: He didn't say that!

Brooks: God is my witness! Dekins just looked at him a second and then he laughed himself silly and afterwards he actually shook Andy's hand.

Heywood: My ass.

Brooks: Shook his hand! I near soiled myself, I mean all Andy needed was a suit and a tie and a little jiggly hula gal on his desk and he woulda been *Mister* Dufresne, if you please.

Red: Making a few friends, huh Andy?

Andy Dufresne: I wouldn't say friends. I'm a convicted murderer who provides sound financial planning - it's a wonderful pet to have.

Red: You're gonna fit right in. Everyone in here is innocent, you know that? Heywood, what you in here for?

Heywood: Didn't do it. Lawyer fucked me.

[Andy is comforting a sobbing Brooks after he held a knife to Heywood's neck]

Heywood: Hey, what about me? Crazy old fool goddamn near cut my throat!

Red: Aw Heywood, you've had worse from shaving!

Heywood: [Andy has returned after solitary for the record playing stunt] Couldn't play somethin' good, huh? Hank Williams?

Andy Dufresne: [smiling] They broke the door down before I could take requests.

[after Brooks held a knife to Heywood's throat]

Andy Dufresne: I just don't understand what happened in there.

Heywood: Old man's crazy as a rat in a tin shithouse, is what.

Red: Oh Heywood, that's enough out of you!

Ernie: I heard he had you shittin' in your pants!

Heywood: Fuck you!

Red: Would you knock it off? Brooks ain't no bug. He's just... just institutionalized.

Heywood: Institutionalized, my ass.

Red: The man's been in here fifty years, Heywood. Fifty years! This is all he knows. In here, he's an important man. He's an educated man. Outside, he's nothin'! Just a used up con with arthritis in both hands.

Heywood: Hey, Fat Ass. Fat Ass! Talk to me boy! I know you're there I can hear you breathin'. Don't you listen to these nitwits you hear me? This place ain't so bad. Tell you what, I'll introduce you around, make you feel right at home. I know a couple of big old bull queers that'd just love to make you're acquaintance. Especially that big, white, mushy butt of yours.

Fat Ass: God! I don't belong here! I want to go home!

Inmates: We have a winner!

Heywood: And it's Fat Ass by a nose!

Heywood: Red? You saying Andy's innocent? I mean *for real* innocent?

Red: Yeah, it looks that way.

Heywood: Sweet Jesus. How long's he been in here?

Red: Since '47, what is that... 19 years.

Andy Dufresne: [referring to Fat Ass] What was his name?

Heywood: What did you say?

Andy Dufresne: I was just wondering if anybody knew his name.

Heywood: Fuck do you care, new fish? Doesn't fuckin' matter what his name was. He's dead.

Heywood: [talking about Fat Ass] Hey Tyrell. You pulling infirmary duty this week?

Tyrell: [nods] Yep.

Heywood: How's that winning horse of mine doing?

Tyrell: Dead. Hadley busted up his head pretty good. Doc went home for the night. Poor bastard laid there till this morning. By then, there was nothing we could do.

Heywood: It's a fine morning, ain't it? You know why it's a fine morning, don't ya? Come on, set 'em down. I want 'em all lined up, just like a pretty little chorus line.

[the cons pull out cigarettes and hand them over to Heywood, who lines them up in front of him. He takes a long whiff]

Heywood: Ah, yes. Richmond, Virginia.

Floyd: Smell my ass.

Heywood: [sizing up the new inmates] I ain't seen such a sorry lookin' heap o' maggot shit in all my life.

Andy Dufresne: Mr. Hadley, do you trust your wife?

Captain Hadley: Oh that's funny. You're gonna look funnier sucking my dick with no teeth.

Andy Dufresne: What I mean is, do you think she'd go behind your back and try to hamstring you?

Captain Hadley: That's it. Step aside Mert, this fucker's having himself an accident.

[grabs Dufresne and pushes him near the edge of the roof]

Heywood: He's gonna push him off the roof!

Andy Dufresne: Because if you do trust her, there's no reason you can't keep that $35,000!

Captain Hadley: What did you say?

Andy Dufresne: $35,000.

Captain Hadley: $35,000?

Andy Dufresne: All of it.

Captain Hadley: All of it?

Andy Dufresne: Every penny.

Captain Hadley: You better start making sense.

Andy Dufresne: If you want to keep all of that money, give it to your wife. The IRS allows a one-time-only gift to your spouse for up to $60,000.

Captain Hadley: Bullshit! Tax free?

Andy Dufresne: Tax free. IRS can't touch one cent.

Captain Hadley: You're that smart banker who killed his wife, aren't you? Why should I believe a smart banker like you? So I can end up in here with you?

Andy Dufresne: It's perfectly legal, go ask the IRS, they'll say the same thing. I actually feel stupid telling you this, I'm sure you would've investigated the matter yourself.

Captain Hadley: Yeah, fucking A'! I don't need a smart wife-killing banker to tell me where the bear shit in the buckwheat!

Andy Dufresne: Of course not. But you do need someone to set up the tax-free gift for you, and that'll cost you. A lawyer for example.

Captain Hadley: Bunch of ball-washing bastards!

Andy Dufresne: Right. I suppose I could set it up for you. That would save you some money. If you get the forms I'll prepare them for you, nearly free of charge. I'd only ask three beers apiece for each of my co-workers.

Guard Mert: Ha! "Co-workers", get him that's rich ain't it?

Andy Dufresne: I think a man working outdoors feels more like a man if he can have a bottle of suds. That's only my opinion, sir.

Captain Hadley: [looks over at the rest of Andy's co-workers] What are you Jimmies staring at? Back to work!

Floyd: Takin' bets today, Red?

Red: Smokes or coins, better's choice.

Floyd: Smokes. Put me down for two.

Red: All right, who's your horse?

Floyd: That little sack o' shit. Eighth, eighth from the front. He'll be first.

Heywood: Aw, bullshit. I'll call that action. You out some smokes, son, let me tell you!

Floyd: Well, Heywood, you so smart, you call it!

Heywood: I'll take the chubby fat-ass there. Fifth from the front. Put me down for a quarter deck.

Red: [after lights out and the guards walk out of the main area]

[Narrating]

Red: I remember my first night, seems like a long time ago.

Prisoner: Yoo-hoo. Big fish. Fish, fish, fish, fishie?

[the others start talking quietly, trying to taunt the newcomers]

Another Prisoner: Poke your ass out here! Give me a first look!

Another Prisoner: Shhh. Keep it down.

Red: [Narrating] The boys always go fishing with first-timers, and they don't stop until they reel one in.

Heywood: [Quietly] Hey, fat ass. Fat ass. Talk to me boy.

[Cut to a shot of him quietly sobbing]

Heywood: I know you're there. I can hear you breathing. Now, don't you listen to these nit-wits, ya hear me? This place ain't so bad. Tell you what. I'll introduce you around. Make you feel right at home. I know a couple of big bull queers that would just love to make your acquaintance, especially that big white mushy butt of yours.

Fat Ass: [Cracks] God! I don't belong here!

Inmates: We have a winner! It's the fat guy!

Fat Ass: I wanna go home!

Heywood: [Announcing] And it's fat ass by a nose!

[Starts the chant]

Heywood: Fresh fish! Fresh fish!

Inmates: [Chant and clap] Fresh fish! Fresh fish! Fresh fish!

Fat Ass: [Comes up to the bars] I don't belong here! I wanna go home! I want my momma!

Prisoner: I had your mother! She wasn't that great!

Captain Hadley: [Storms in with his guys] What the Christ is this happy horse shit?

Another Prisoner: [as everyone quiets down] He took the Lord's name in vain. I'm telling the warden.

Captain Hadley: You'll be telling him about my baton up your ass!

Fat Ass: [as Hadley comes up to his cell] You gotta let me out! You gotta!

Captain Hadley: What is your major malfunction, you fat barrel of monkey spunk?

Fat Ass: Please! I ain't supposed to be here! Not me!

Captain Hadley: [Not one ounce of sympathy] I ain't going to count to three! I'm not even going to count to one! You will shut the FUCK up, or I'll sing you a lullaby!

Heywood: [Under his breath] Shut up, man. Shut up.

Fat Ass: [Crying and pleading] Please! There's been a mistake! You don't understand! I'm not supposed to be here!

Captain Hadley: [to his men] Open that cell!

Prisoner: Me neither! You people run this place like a fuckin prison!

Captain Hadley: [Once his cell door is open, he drags him out and beats him severely in the torso and head with his baton, then knocks him out with one last kick to his head]

[to the rest of the inmates]

Captain Hadley: If I hear so much as a mouse fart in here the rest of the night, I swear by God and sonny Jesus you will all visit the infirmary! Every last motherfucker in here!

[Quietly to his men]

Captain Hadley: Call the trustees to take that tub of shit down to the infirmary.