Henry Quotes in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017)

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Henry Quotes:

  • Henry: [from trailer] I saw her ankles.

    Captain Jack Sparrow: You would've seen a lot more if you kept your cakehole shut.

  • Captain Salazar: [to the only survivor of a ship he attacked] Jack Sparrow...

    [holds up a wanted poster of Jack Sparrow]

    Captain Salazar: Do you know this pirate?

    Henry: Only by name.

    Captain Salazar: Find Jack Sparrow for me and relay a message, from Captain Salazar. Tell him: death will come straight for him. Will you say that to him, please?

    Henry: Yes.

    Captain Salazar: I wish I could do it, but dead men tell no tales.

  • [Henry saves Carina]

    Henry: We are to be allies!

    Carina Smyth: Considering where your left hand is, I'd say we're more than that!

  • [Henry meets Jack for the first time]

    Henry: Do you even have a ship, a crew... pants?

    Captain Jack Sparrow: A great pirate does not bother with such intricacies.

  • Captain Jack Sparrow: Who are you?

    Henry: My name is Henry Turner. Son of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann.

    Captain Jack Sparrow: Ewww. You're the evil spawn of them two.

    [pause]

    Captain Jack Sparrow: Does mummy ever ask about me?

    Henry: No.

    Captain Jack Sparrow: Oh go on. She call my name in her sleep?

    Henry: She never spoke of you.

    Captain Jack Sparrow: Are you sure we're talking about the same people? He's a cursed eunuch. She's golden-haired, stubborn, pouty lips, neck like a giraffe, and two of those wonderful...

    Henry: Yes! Yes, it's her.

  • Henry: [whispers into a jail cell] I need to speak with you.

    Captain Jack Sparrow: [attacks Henry from behind, holding him against the cell door] Hand me your sword.

    Henry: I don't have a sword.

    Captain Jack Sparrow: What kind of soldier has no weapon?

    Henry: I'm currently wanted for treason.

    Captain Jack Sparrow: So not the very good kind then?

    Henry: I'm looking for a pirate, Captain Jack Sparrow?

    Captain Jack Sparrow: [let's go of Henry] Well today's your lucky day. Because I just happen to be Captain Jack Sparrow.

    Henry: [in disbelief] No, it can't be. I've spent years searching for... this. The great Jack Sparrow is not some drunk in a cell. Do you even have a ship, a crew... pants?

    Captain Jack Sparrow: A great pirate does not require such intricacies.

    Henry: Do you know how long I've been waiting for this moment? The risks I've taken to be here? Are you sure you're *the* Jack Sparrow?

    Captain Jack Sparrow: The real question is, who are you?

  • Henry: [Henry has just been rescued by the Flying Dutchman after attempting to drown himself to gain his father's attention]

    [sees a shadowy figure approach]

    Henry: Father?

    Will Turner: Henry. What have you done?

    Henry: I said I'd find you.

    Will Turner: Look at me son.

    [half of Will's face and body are covered in barnacles]

    Henry: I don't care.

    Will Turner: There's no place for you on the Dutchman.

    [the Dutchman's crew can be heard in the background]

    Will Turner: They know you're here. Get home to your mother.

    Henry: No!

    Will Turner: Leave now. Before it's too late.

    Henry: I won't. I'll never stop. And if you throw me over, I'll come straight back.

    Will Turner: Don't you see I'm cursed to this ship?

    Henry: That's why I'm here. I think I know a way to break your curse. To free you from the Dutchman.

    Will Turner: Henry, no.

    Henry: I've read about a treasure. A treasure that holds all the power of the sea. The Trident of Poseidon can break your curse.

    Will Turner: [kneels down to hug Henry] Henry, the trident can never be found.

    Henry: I found you.

    Will Turner: It's just a tale.

    Henry: Like the tales of you and Captain Jack Sparrow? He will help me find the trident.

    Will Turner: You stay away from Jack! Leave the sea forever. You have to stop acting like a...

    Henry: A pirate? I won't stop. I want you to come home.

    Will Turner: [the Dutchman starts sinking back into the sea] Henry. I'm sorry. My curse will never be broken.

    [takes off his necklace]

    Will Turner: This is my fate.

    [places the necklace in Henry's hands]

    Will Turner: You must let me go.

    [reaches out to gently touch Henry's face]

    Will Turner: I love you, son.

    Henry: [the Dutchman sinks fully into the sea, forcing Henry to swim to the surface and reboard his rowboat]

    [while lying inside his rowboat]

    Henry: Captain Jack Sparrow.

  • Chamlee: I'm sorry, friend, but there'll be no funeral.

    Henry: What?

    Chamlee: Oh, the grave is dug and the defunct there is as ready as the embalmers ought to make him. But there'll be no funeral.

    Henry: What's the matter? Didn't I pay enough?

    Chamlee: It's not a question of money. For twenty dollars, I'd plant anybody with a hoop and a holler. But the funeral is off.

    Henry: Now how do you like that. I want him buried, you want him buried and if he could sit up and talk, he'd second the motion. Now that's as unanimous as you can get.

  • Chamlee: I don't like it, no sir. I've always treated every man the same: just as another, future customer.

    Henry: Well in that case, get that hearse rolling.

    Chamlee: I can't, my driver's quit!

    Robert: He's prejudiced too, huh?

    Chamlee: Well, when it comes to a chance of getting his head blown off, he's downright bigoted.

  • Henry: Well I'll be damned. I never knew you had to be anything but a corpse to get into Boot Hill. How long's this been going?

    Chamlee: Since the town got civilized.

  • Chamlee: There's an element in town that objects.

    Henry: Objects? Objects to what?

    Chamlee: They say he isn't fit to be buried there.

    Robert: What? In Boot Hill?

    Henry: Why, there's nothing up there but murderous cutthroats and derelict old barflies, and if they ever felt exclusive brother, they're past it now.

  • Henry: This man needs to be buried. And soon. He's not turning into any nosegay.

  • Frank Farmer: We're adding to your duties. You're my new assistant.

    Henry: Says who?

    Frank Farmer: Henry, I've spent a lot of time guarding people all over the world, and I've found one thing to be true - no matter how incompetent the assassins, no matter how much they miss their target, there's always one person who always gets hit.

    Henry: Who?

    Frank Farmer: The cocky black chauffeur.

  • Estelle: [inside a helicopter, after shooting Henry several times, Henry falls and she kneels down to him] How could you do this to me, Henry? How could you fucking do this to me? Answer me! Answer me!

    Henry: [places a bloody palm on wall and writes over his blood 'EZ']

    Estelle: [stands up, angrily] Motherfucker!

    [shoots Henry one more time, Henry blocks the bullet with his hand and it ricochets, hitting her on her chest]

    Estelle: [surprised] What happened, Henry?

    [drops gun, starts to walk, stumbles]

    Estelle: [weak and faintly] You were supposed to love me.

    [keeps walking, trips, screams and is now hanging on the exterior part of the edge of the helicopter where the entrance to the door is]

    Estelle: [begging and pleading] Henry! Henry! Listen to your heart.

    Henry: [ignores her, slides helicopter door down to close it where her fingers are and she is heard screaming as she falls to her death]

    [film ends]

  • Nick Beam: Now honestly, which one of us was scarier?

    Henry: [Looking at T] He was scarier.

    T. Paul: Hah!

    Nick Beam: Really? You didn't find what he did as contrived?

    Henry: No it was scary.

    Nick Beam: What part?

    Henry: The 'freeze motherfucker' part was scary and he lead me to believe that if I moved my ass, it might be blown off.

  • Nick Beam: [Whips out gun] Freeze suckerbitch!

    Henry: That was much better.

    Nick Beam: Thank you, Henry, see ya later.

    T. Paul: What the hell is a suckerbitch?

  • Henry: Do you want me to get out of here?

    Doreen: Of course, Henry.

    Henry: Then shut the fuck up!

  • Henry: I'm going to row back there and see if he will shoot you. Or me. It's fine either way.

  • [last lines]

    Clay: Not a fuckin' word.

    Henry: My lips are sealed.

  • Toby: [the engines discuss about how to stop Diesel 10] What's important is to stand up on our own wheels to Diesel.

    Henry: Toby's right. Diesel knows that the lost engine in the legend really exists.

    James: What Engine?

    Percy: What Legend?

    Henry: Of an engine whose magic makes her more powerful than Diesel will ever be, that's why he wants to find her.

    Percy: Then we'd better find her first.

    James: [comes out of the shed] Leave it to the big engines, Percy.

    Thomas: Little Engines can do big things, especially when they have nice blue paint like me.

  • [Bertie the bus roars past the steam engines who are having a meeting a siding. The only engine not present is Percy]

    Bertie: Smile you steamers. It's a sunny day. Broom broom!

    James: It's not sunny because Mr C's not at the windmill. I've looked.

    Thomas: I think his sparkle's all gone.

    Henry: My smokebox doesn't feel sunny. It feels stuffed up.

    Gordon: Nasty fumes form dingy diesel. Hmm!

    Henry: And diesel is after the lost engine.

    Toby: And if he finds her, I fear that will destroy us all.

    Gordon: What even an engine as big as me!

    Toby: Yes Gordon, even you.

    Thomas: Ahh... Choo!

    [shakes as he sneezes]

    James: Say it don't spay it, Thomas.

    Thomas: I've still got sneezing powder up my funnel. Now I'm going to find Mr Conductor.

    [puffs away]

    Toby: And let us get back to work. That's what he would want.

    [referring to Mr Conductor]

    Bertie: How bout a race Thomas? Broom Broom!

    Thomas: Sorry Bertie. I can't today. I have to be a really useful engine and solve some mysteries instead.

    Bertie: I guess that means I win. Perhaps another day. Broom broom broom!

  • Thomas: Good morning, Henry. What's the matter?

    Henry: [sickly] I've got boiler-ache.

    Thomas: And I'm collecting one, two, three, four, five, six trucks of special Island of Sodor coal for you.

    Henry: [ligtens up] Thank you, Thomas. Special coal should make me feel much better.

    [as Thomas backs up to his coal trucks, one of them gets sent through the buffers]

    Bertie: [as he passes by] Hello, Thomas, and your 5 coal trucks!

    Thomas: [confused] Five? But I'm supposed to have 6.

  • Charles: [both have just seen Bernie fall back flat, dead after turning the music off] Ain't this a bitch!

    Henry: Dead!

    Charles: As a doornail!

    Charles: Come on, let's get him!

  • Charles: [Charles and Henry have been turned into goats and are being led on rope leashes by the dead zombie, Bernie] Ain't this a bitch?

    Henry: Where's he taking us?

    Charles: I don't know. Well, at least we get to see the carnival.

    Henry: Yeah, but I didn't think we was gonna *be*, the carnival.

  • Charles: Hey Henry check out that fine mamma she is fine.

    Henry: Oh yeah. Charles you're starting to frighten me.

  • [Henry & Charles finds Larry & Richard asleep in the hotel lobby. They wake Larry & Richard up with a punch]

    Larry Wilson: [both are awaken; shocked] What, what? I don't have any money, man! I don't...

    Charles: All right, all right. Now y'all just be cool, man. Just be cool.

    [Larry chuckles nervously]

    Henry: [to Richard] How are you doing?

    Richard Parker: Fine, thank you. How are you?

    Henry: Shh.

    Charles: Where the dead man at?

    Larry Wilson: Oh, he's in the Jeep. You can have him.

    Charles: No, no, no, my brotha. He is NOT in the Jeep! Where is he?

    Richard Parker: Well, what do you mean?

    Larry Wilson: He's in the Jeep.

    Richard Parker: Did you try that red Jeep?

    Henry: [to Richard] Uh-uh.

    Richard Parker: You're kidding?

    [to Larry]

    Richard Parker: He's not there.

    Henry: Yo, man, what are we gonna do with there two?

    Charles: I know what. We're gonna take them to the Mobu and let them explain to HER, that way SHE gonna understand that WE gonna be cool and they gonna be exactly where we is!

    Richard Parker: [confused] Huh?

    Henry: Oh, yeah. Then we can blame them.

    Charles: We're gonna try.

    Richard Parker: Say how would you fellas like a margarita?

    Larry Wilson: [laughs] On me!

  • [At the Mobu's compound]

    Mobu: [scolds Henry and Charles] You've lost them.

    Charles: Well, not-not exactly. Um...

    Henry: Anybody could have.

    Mobu: Twice. He was going to lead you to the money.

    Charles: Oh, yes, but Bu, I know. We messed with the bones and that fool with the conjure, and now he can only walk when the music playing. We're sorry.

    Mobu: Where is he now?

    CharlesHenry: [points to Richard and Larry] The white boys.

    Richard Parker: Um...

    Larry Wilson: He - We don't know where he is.

    Richard Parker: We left him in the Jeep, dead.

    Larry Wilson: Deceased.

    Charles: Yeah, but ask them what they was doing at the bank with Bernie?

    Larry Wilson: Well... Rich - No. Well, we needed him to get into the safety deposit box

    Mobu: What was in the box?

    Larry Wilson: A map.

    Cartel Man #1: [the cartel mobsters come towards Richard and Larry] Give me the map.

    Richard Parker: We don't have it.

    Larry Wilson: We don't have the map.

    Richard Parker: No map.

    Cartel Man #1: [to his partner] Kill them.

    [Richard and Larry protests, yelling about whose fault it is]

    Mobu: [to the mobsters] If we kill them, we both lose. I have another way.

    [the Mobu takes a cup and scoops out a concoction. Then walks to Richard]

    Mobu: Drink.

    Richard Parker: [hesitant] I'd love to. You see, I just had lunch...

    [Cartel Man #1 hold Richard at gunpoint]

    Richard Parker: ... but there's always room for Jell-O.

  • Riley: [Trying to solve the mystery of the disappearing pudding cups, Riley leaves an open container out] I'm leaving it right here. On purpose.

    Henry: And I'm sure it'll still be there tomorrow, and on purpose, too! Now, come on, let's go!

  • Henry's Father: This is my son. I found him this morning in bed with his best-friend, Russ. They were holding each other and kissing. Believe me, I taught them both a lesson.

    Henry: The course of true love never did run smooth.

  • Henry: [concerning donkegin hole] There's only one thing we can do. We can get the air force up here with a couple of them Excocet missiles... nuke the shit outta the entire area... give those friggin' frogs something to dream about.

  • Store clerk: How about those Bears?

    Henry: Fuck the Bears.

  • Otis: I'd like to kill somebody.

    Henry: Say that again.

    Otis: I'd like to kill somebody.

    Henry: Let's me and you go for a ride, Otis

  • Becky: Did you really kill your mama?

    Henry: I guess I did.

    Becky: How'd it happen?

    Henry: I stabbed her.

    Becky: Otis said you hit her with a baseball bat.

    Henry: Otis said that?

    Becky: Yeah.

    Henry: Well, he's mistaken.

    Becky: Well don't tell him I told you. He made me promise.

    [pause]

    Becky: She must have treated you real bad.

    Henry: She was a whore. My mama was a whore. But I don't fault her for that. It ain't what she done, but how she done it. Long as I can remember, she'd bring men up to the house. My daddy was there too, but it didn't matter none to her. She'd make me watch.

    Becky: That's creepy.

    Henry: She'd beat me too. A lot. She'd beat me when I wouldn't watch it. And sometimes she'd beat me, and make me wear a dress, and watch her doin' it. Then they'd laugh at me.

    Becky: She made you wear a dress?

    Henry: You think I'm lyin?

    Becky: I feel like I know you, like I've known you for a long time. I feel like I've known you forever and ever.

    Henry: Yeah. I killed my mama. One night. It was my 14th birthday. She was drunk, and we had an argument. She hit me with a whiskey bottle. I shot her. I shot her dead.

    Becky: I thought you said you stabbed her.

    Henry: Oh yeah, that's right, I stabbed her.

  • Becky: I love you, Henry.

    Henry: I guess I love you too.

  • Henry: Otis, plug it in.

  • Henry: If you shoot someone in the head with a .45 every time you kill somebody, it becomes like your fingerprint, see? But if you strangle one, stab another, and one you cut up, and one you don't, then the police don't know what to do. They think you're four different people. What they really want, what makes their job so much easier, is pattern. What they call a modus operandi. That's Latin. Bet you didn't know any Latin, did you kid?

    Otis: Big fucking deal.

    Henry: What?

    Otis: Nothing.

    Henry: It's like a trail of shit, Otis. It's like the blood droppings from a deer you shot, and all they've got to do is follow those droppings, and pretty soon, they're going to find their deer.

    Otis: Why don't you use a gun?

    Henry: You can use a gun. I'm not saying you can't use a gun. Just don't use the same gun twice.

  • Henry: It's always the same and it's always different.

  • Otis: Where you going?

    Henry: Nowhere - you wanna come?

  • Henry: Guns are easy to get... I can make a phone call and get a gun. Anybody can get a gun, Otis.

  • Henry: Don't do that Otis - she's your sister.

  • Henry: The most important thing is to keep moving, that way they might never catch up to you. I'm gonna have to pack up and be on the move, too, pretty soon.

    Otis: Where you going?

    Henry: Nowhere. You wanna come? We could be back this way in about a month.

    Otis: I'm not supposed to leave the state without telling them.

    Henry: So who's gonna know? As long as you show up when you're supposed to?

    Otis: What if they check up on me at work?

    Henry: Well, no plan is perfect.

  • Becky: I can't ever remember really liking my daddy. I wanted to, I really did. One time he bought me - when I was about five - he bought me an ice cream cone and I dropped it. And he slapped me and made me pick it up and eat it. I never liked my daddy. One time, when my mama was at work, and I was about 13, he'd come into my room and he, uh, told me to take my shirt off' 'cause he wanted to see how I was developed. And when I wouldn't, he got really mad and he-and he hit me. And he told me he had a right because he was my daddy and I was his daughter and, uh, he fed me and let me live in his house and he could do whatever he wanted... and he did. Then he started coming into my room a lot after that, and I didn't fight him because when I did, he just hit me. I was afraid I was gonna have a baby and that my baby would be deformed. But I never got pregnant. I tried to tell mama, but she didn't wanna hear about it. She pretended not to believe me but I knew she did. It sure is good to talk - to talk to you, Henry, because I know you're not judgemental or anything like that. I never would have married Leroy in the first place if I hadn't wanted to get away from daddy so bad.

    Henry: Didn't get along with your daddy, huh?

  • Henry: What are you doing?

    Otis: [rewinding the video they've just watched] I want to see it again.

  • Otis: [Otis sticks his head out the window of a moving vehicle as Henry drives, filming various women with a video camera until it hits something, busting the lens off; gets angry at Henry] Oh! Look what you did! Aw, God! Aw, Jesus! Look at it, it's ruined! Damn, Henry, you oughta look where you're driving!

    Henry: Who the hell told you to stick your head out the window anyway?

    Otis: You could've killed me!

    Henry: Oh, that's right. Blame it on me.

    Otis: Aw, this fuckin' camera!

    [Otis tosses the camera out the window into the gutter, completely destroying it]

    Henry: What'd you do that for?

    Otis: It wasn't any good anymore.

    Henry: Could've fixed it.

    Otis: Shit, the lens was busted right off!

    Henry: Could've fixed it!

    Otis: How do you know? You a camera repairman? You should've said something.

    Henry: You didn't give me a chance, Otis. You threw the fucker right out the window!

    Otis: It ain't my fault it broke.

    Henry: Oh, right.

    Otis: [tension begins to settle] We can go back and get it if you want.

    Henry: [chuckles sarcastically] Yeah.

    Otis: [after a brief moment of silence] You wanna get a beer?

    Henry: Not particularly.

    Otis: I want a beer.

    Henry: [immediately hits the brakes and reaches over Otis to open his door] If you want a beer so bad, Otis, go ahead and get one!

    Otis: [snarkily] All right, I will!

    [exits the vehicle, closes the door and says through the window]

    Otis: See you later?

    Henry: Yeah.

    [Henry drives off while Otis stands there stranded in the street as he watches him]

  • TV Salesman: You can't get color for fifty dollars.

    Henry: That's okay, let's see what you got.

    TV Salesman: What have I got? You want cable-ready? You want remote control? You want UHF? You want thirteen-inch? You want nineteen-inch? I bet you'd love to have a nineteen-inch. You want Sony? You want Zenith? Do you want a GoldStar?

    Henry: What can we get for a hundred-and-fifty?

    TV Salesman: [points to one of the other TV sets off-camera] We'll let you have this set for a hundred-and-fifty. It's worth three-hundred. But here, take a look at this. For an extra seventy-five, you can take this six-hundred dollar set.

    Otis: [Otis picks up the video camera] What's this?

    TV Salesman: It's a camcorder.

    Otis: What?

    TV Salesman: It's a video-tape recorder and camera rolled into one. You just pop in a cassette and you're ready to go.

    Otis: You can make your own movies with that?

    Henry: What else would you do with this? How much you want for it?

    TV Salesman: It's worth a grand. I'd take half.

    Henry: Five-hundred bucks?

    TV Salesman: Yeah. Half of a grand is five-hundred dollars.

    Otis: That's a little more than we were planning to spend. I think we should just take the TV.

    TV Salesman: Okay, which one do you want?

    Otis: The fifty dollar one.

    TV Salesman: The fifty dollar one... You guys come in here, I show you this, I show you that.

    [seems infuriated]

    TV Salesman: You creeps got a lousy fifty dollars to spend, you should've stopped me a long time ago. Take the fifty dollar set and get the hell out, I'm a busy man.

    Henry: Well, we were really counting on a color set.

    TV Salesman: [growing angry] What's the matter, you got shit in your ears? The black-and-white is fifty dollars! Take it or leave it!

    Henry: Sorry for wasting your time. Come on, Otis.

    TV Salesman: Don't give me sorry you dumbass. Did I stutter? Give me the fifty dollars and GET OUT!

    Henry: I'll give you FIFTY BUCKS!

    [stabs his hand with a soldering iron]

  • TV Salesman: So what can I do for you, gentlemen?

    Otis: Boy, it's hot in here. Isn't it?

    TV Salesman: I'm kind of cold.

    Otis: We want a TV.

    TV Salesman: How much you got to spend?

    Henry: [to Otis] What do you got?

    Otis: Fifty bucks.

    TV Salesman: [pointing to the B&W TV] I can let you have that set over there for fifty bucks.

    Otis: Well, turn it on. We want to see if it works.

    TV Salesman: What's the matter? Don't you trust me?

    Otis: Uh uh.

    TV Salesman: [grabs TV plug and hands it to Otis] Here. Plug it in, down there.

    Otis: Here?

    TV Salesman: Yeah, down there. Real good. I see you've had some college.

    TV Salesman: [TV turns on playing static and in black-and-white] Like you can see it, works real good. Just takes a while to warm up.

    Otis: It's black-and-white.

    TV Salesman: Of course, it's black-and-white. What do you expect for fifty bucks? Fucking 3D for Christ's sake?

    Otis: Well, how much is color? We want color.

  • Otis: [tries to fix the TV, the reception messes up further. Finally, Otis can't take it no more] Ah, shit!

    [kicks the TV set, destroying it and sending smoke in air]

    Otis: Fuck...

    [Henry walks in on Otis and the broken TV]

    Henry: [scoffs] What did you do that for?

    Otis: I guess I got carried away.

    Henry: Well I guess you did, Otis.

    Otis: Shit, I got to have a TV...

    Henry: Well, let's go shopping.

  • Henry: Do you love him?

    Agnes: Yes.

    Henry: Have you told him?

    Agnes: Yes, but I don't think he heard me.

  • Henry: So, do you work here?

    Beth: Yeah, I'm the Camp Director. You?

    Henry: Me, no, I don't work here.

    Beth: No, yeah, I'm the camp director... I would know if you worked here.

    Henry: Oh, right.

  • Beth: Hey, you; penny for your thoughts.

    Henry: Beth, tomorrow is the least of our problems.

    Beth: Don't tell me, oh, don't tell me, don't even tell me you have crabs!

    Henry: No... Yes, but that's not the point.

  • Henry: Oh, fuck my cock!

  • Beth: Listen, Henry...

    Henry: Please, call me Henry.

    Beth: Okay, Henry it is.

  • Henry: It's gonna be alright, Luce.

    Lucy: [to Henry] Don't call me Luce. I barely know you.

    Marlin: Sweetie, you're sorta dating him.

    Lucy: [Lucy looks at Henry]

    Henry: Sorry I'm not better looking.

  • Henry: Appreciate your time. Not everybody would have stopped like you. You're real sweet.

    Lucy: Oh, yeah. Thank you.

    Henry: Okay.

    Lucy: Okay.

    [Henry pretends to get electrocuted while jump-starting his car]

    Henry: Hah! I can't believe you fell for that!

    Lucy: Well... my grandfather died while trying to jump-start a car...

    Henry: Oh... I'm so sorry. I was just joking around.

    Lucy: I can't believe you fell for THAT!

  • Henry: Happy birthday, sir. What are you, like, 200 today?

  • Young Woman: So, you must be Lucy's friend. The one who made the tape.

    Lucy: I think he's more than my friend. You're my boyfriend, right?

    Henry: Yes, ma'am.

    Stacy: So every day you help her to realize what happened and you wait patiently for her to be okay with it... then you get her to fall in love with you again?

    Henry: Yes, ma'am.

    Stacy: [softly, almost beneath her breath] Gosh!

    [a longing sigh, then back slaps her husband's chest right over his heart]

    Stacy: You asshole! You don't even open the fricking car door for me anymore.

    Jennifer: [everyone breaks out in laughter] You're in trouble!

    [even more laughter]

    Jennifer: I gotta go tinkle.

  • Lucy: Yeah, that's right. Take that! And that! And that! And that! And that!

    Henry: You got him. You got him. Enough. Enough.

    Lucy: Are you okay?

    Henry: Yes.

    Lucy: Okay, I'll be right back. Hey! Come here!

    Henry: No, no, no. I think he's had enough. I'm sorry.

    Ula: My eye!

    Henry: You got him!

    Lucy: Not good enough.

    Ula: Oh, Kamehameha!

    Henry: He learned his lesson!

  • Dr. Keats: And now ladies and gentlemen I would like to introduce you to our most distinguished clinical subject: Tom

    Ten Second Tom: Hi, I'm Tom.

    Henry: Henry.

    Marlin: Marlin.

    Doug: Doug.

    Lucy: Lucy.

    Ten Second Tom: Hi. Oh, those are cool flip flops. Where did you get them?

    Doug: You like those? It's interesting story. I was over on the North Shore the other day...

    Ten Second Tom: Hi, I'm Tom.

    Henry: Henry.

    Ten Second Tom: Hi.

    Marlin: Marlin.

  • Nick: Hey, Mr. Peanut Butter Cups!

    Henry: Hey, Mr. Could-Kill-Me-In-One-Punch!

  • Henry: [after Ula speaks in Hawaiian] Thanks buddy. What does it mean, again?

    Ula: Bring me back a t-shirt

  • Old Hawaiian Man: [about Henry's drawing on a napkin] Can I have that? I need something to wipe my ass with.

    Henry: Ha ha ha. Shut up!

  • Lucy: What are you doing?

    Henry: Nothing, I was just getting some lint off for you...

    Lucy: You were going for a feelski!

    Henry: All right, I'm sorry... But this is like the twenty third time we've made out already and... they're getting blue!

  • Lucy: Did Alicia marry that guy?

    Marlin: yea.

    Henry: Doug, did you win the Mr. Hawaiian contest?

    Doug: I didn't know there wath gonna be a urine tethst.

    Lucy: [to Henry] Did we have sex?

    [Marlin and Doug look at Henry]

    Henry: No, we didn't. Just so everyone knows

    [Marlin and Doug turn away]

    Henry: We want to!

    [Marlin and Doug look again]

    Henry: Just kidding.

  • Henry: Okay, this is her. Start beating me up. Make it look good.

    Ula: Give me your wallet. Okay, haole, what do you think? You can come to this island, eat our pineapple.

    Henry: Help me! Not so hard. Take it easy.

    Ula: Try to bang our women. Making my sister clean your hotel room.

    Henry: Okay. What does that have to do with this? Relax. Hey! Hey! Help me, please!

    Ula: Stupid haole!

  • Henry: See what happens when you play with sharks.

    Ula: Sharks are like dogs, they only bite when you touch their private parts.

  • Old Hawaiian Man: Are you staring at me or her? 'Cause you're starting to freak me out.

    Henry: Settle down and eat your pancakes, huh.

  • Dr. Keats: All I know about walruses is that out of all mammals they have the second largest penis. I have the first.

    Henry: That's my joke.

  • Henry: I don't think that's an option, Lisa.

    Linda: Linda.

    Henry: I know. I changed your name for your protection.

  • Henry: Pardon me. Sorry to interrupt, but I notice we were both eating alone and I thought perhaps I could sit with you, maybe build a syrup Jacuzzi for your waffle house?

    Lucy: Oh, that would be nice, but I have a boyfriend. I'm sorry.

    Henry: You're making up a boyfriend so you can get rid of me?

    Lucy: No. I'm not.

    Henry: What's his name then?

    Lucy: Ringo.

    Henry: Is his last name, Starr?

    Lucy: No. McCartney.

  • Henry: The Beach Boys? How nice of that man to give me a CD that will remind me of all the wonderful times I shared with his daughter. What an asshole!

    Henry: [starts singing off key to "Wouldn't It Be Nice", then breaks out in tears] WHY would you do this to me?

    Henry: [leans against the boat wheel and sobs] Oh my god, is he trying to tell me something?

  • Henry: Can I ask you guys something? What's gonna happen down the line? Someday she's gonna wake up and look in the mirror and notice her face's aged ten years overnight.

    Marlin: You know something, Henry? I worry about that every day of my damn life.

  • Henry: Ula! Get back to cleaning the pool! And if that's one of your special brownies, don't let any of the dolphins eat that!

    Ula: How do you think I get the dolphins to do double-flips and play with the white kids?

  • Henry: Hey! Tattoo Face!

    Nick: Hey, Peanut Butter Cups!

  • Henry: [on First Date #1] You know, why don't you try this? It's a kind of hinge.

    Lucy: Now, why didn't I think of that?

    Henry: You're too close to the object. Don't be too hard on yourself.

    Lucy: You're right. Sometimes you need an outsider's perspective.

    Henry: Fresh eye never hurts.

    Lucy: I'm Lucy.

    Henry: Yes. I'm Henry Roth. Nice to meet you.

    Lucy: Nice to meet you.

  • Henry: Wait, uh... What is going on? I was kidding around with you! What's happening here? Is she crazy or something?

    Sue: Lucy is a very special person. Very different from other people.

    Henry: Okay.

    Sue: About a year ago, Lucy was in a terrible car accident. She and her father went up North Shore to get a pineapple. Her Father broke some ribs, but Lucy suffered a serious head injury. She lost her short term memory.

    Henry: So she can't remember anything?

    Sue: No, no, no. She has all of her long term memory. That's a different part of the brain. Her whole life, up to the night before the accident, she remembers. She just can't retain any new information. It's like her slate gets wiped clean every night while she sleeps.

    Henry: Hold on, here. This sounds like something I would tell a psycho girl so she would stop calling me. Am I the psycho girl?

    Sue: I wish I was making this up! She has no memory that she ever met you.

    Henry: What about the pineapple thing?

    Sue: She says that every day, because each morning she wakes up thinking it's October thirteenth of last year. She comes here for breakfast because that's what she did on Sundays, and October thirteenth was a Sunday. She has no idea it's more than a year later.

    Henry: She reads the newspaper though.

    Sue: It's a special paper her Father puts on their porch every night. It's from the day of her accident. He got hundreds of them printed up. Lucy does the same thing everyday.

  • Henry: [to Penguin] Okay, pal. When she stops, just let her pet you. Look cute. Go to the middle of the road. Thank you. Right there. Perfect.

    Lucy: Oh, shit.

    Henry: Here she comes. Smile. Where is she? Oh, my God! Oh no! Okay that didn't work. Shit your pants? So did I!

  • Henry: [on video] The part of you for this reenactment will be played by my good friend, Ula.

    Ula: [on video] Aloha. Sorry about your brain.

  • Henry: Do you have any idea who I am?

    Lucy: No.

    Henry: No. That sucks.

  • Ula: Really? Even though in 10-15 years she could possibly let herself go and then sex would be like, nauseating, for you?

    Henry: What, are you nuts? Your wife's right over there.

    Ula: I'm just kidding, Muumuu!

  • Ula's Kid: Hey, Dad.

    Ula: Not now, Keanu Mokokokakau.

    Ula's Kid: But your stitches are bleeding.

    [while playing golf, Ula has ripped the stitches over a shark bite on his waist]

    Ula: It must have been my huge back swing. You think you can stitch me up tonight after I get back from surfing?

    Henry: Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

    Caddy: I wouldn't surf with a bleeding wound like that. You might attract a shark or something.

    Ula: What's wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful.

    Caddy: Is that right? How'd you get that nasty cut anyway?

    Ula: A shark bit me.

    Caddy: Nice! Go smoke another one, bro!

  • Henry: Actually I'm going on a trip in a little while to study undersea Pacific walrus behaviors.

    Doug: Thounds kind of fruity.

    Henry: Thank you.

    Doug: How long'th it going to take?

    Henry: Uh... about a year.

    Doug: I gueth you won't mith days like thith.

    Henry: Well, maybe days like this don't have to be so bad.

    Marlin: What are you trying to say?

    Henry: Well, when you guys tell her, she's not just finding out about the accident. She's finding out that her life is basically a setup. I think that's what freaks her out the most.

    Doug: Oh, you're an exthpert now?

    Henry: No. I'm just saying I wish there was another way besides: "Sorry we couldn't trick you today. Here's some pictures of your broken head."

    Doug: You wanna broken head, huh thmart guy?

    Marlin: Why? You gonna give it to him?

    Doug: No, Daddy, I thought you wath gonna do it.

    Henry: Nobody's gotta break my head, guys. I'm gonna split anyways.

    Marlin: [glaring at Doug] Don't go just 'cause my thon is thychotic.

    Henry: Good night. Sweet dreams. Keep 'em dry there Doug.

    Doug: Very funny.

  • Lucy: I don't know who you are, Henry... but I dream about you almost every night.

    [apprehensive pause]

    Lucy: Why?

    Henry: What would you say if I told you that notebook you read every day used to have a lot of stuff about me in it?

    Lucy: I would say that that makes a lot of sense.

    Henry: You erased me from your memories because you thought you were holding me back from having a full and happy life. But you made a mistake. Being with you is the only way I could have a full and happy life. You're the girl of my dreams... and apparently, I'm the man of yours.

    Lucy: [barely able to contain herself, she reaches out and shakes his hand] Henry. It's nice to meet you.

    Henry: Lucy, it's nice to meet you too.

    Ten Second Tom: [just as they are about to kiss] Hi, I'm Tom!

  • Henry: Ha-ha-ha... Shut up.

  • Henry: I bet you twenty bucks, I can get her to have breakfast with me again.

    Nick: You're on.

  • Henry: [to Lucy] Good morning. Lucy! Lucy! Hey, hey, hey. Okay, I know this is hard for you to understand right now, but we are actually seeing each other.

  • Jet Skiier: [Henry jumps on a jet ski] What the hell is wrong with you?

    Henry: Just keep going, I'll give you twenty dollars.

    Jet Skiier: You got it. How's your balls?

    Henry: Killing me. Hit it.

  • Doug: [gives Henry a box] Thith ith from Nick and Thue. They thend their betht witheth for a thafe trip.

    Henry: That's very nice. Spam and Reese's. All right.

    Doug: I love Thpam and Reethe's, can I have it?

    Henry: Um, I guess.

    [Doug grabs the box]

    Marlin: Doug!

  • Dr. Keats: Little Sammy Sosa's a bit shook up, but she'll be okay. She's watching the tape as we speak.

    Henry: Good. How's my temporal lobe looking there, Doc?

    Dr. Keats: Don't worry. You're not gonna suffer any short term memory loss. But was your head shaped like an egg before she hit you?

    Doug: Hey! Don't make fun of Henry, all right? It'th not hith fault hith head'th thaped like that!

    Dr. Keats: Note the intense overreaciton. That's the 'roids talking.

  • [Henry sticks a tooth pick in Lucy's waffle house]

    Henry: Here, you should try this out. Put this here. Swivelly door. Waffleonians can come in and out now.

    Lucy: Oh, are you from a country where it's okay to stick your fingers all over someone else's food?

    Henry: Uh, no, I'm from this country.

    Henry: Were you gonna eat that?

  • [to Jocko]

    Henry: Remember to use a condom, or in your case, a Hefty bag.

  • Ula: Come on, I need some details. You get some booby, some assy, a pull on your poi-poi? Come on.

    Ula's Kid: Daddy, what's a nympho?

    Ula: Uh, the nympho is the state bird of Ohio.

    Henry: You're the state idiot of Hawaii.

  • Ula's Kid: What's wrong with that turtle?

    Henry: He has lung problems cause he smoked too much turtle weed, which is bad for you. Right Ula?

    Ula: What? I don't smoke weed.

  • Henry: Let me ask you something, Alexa. If you made a promise to a girl's dad that you would not see her anymore... would you consider that like a binding promise?

    Alexa: Absolutely.

    Henry: Yeah?

    Alexa: But then again, there are always ways around such things.

    Henry: Like?

    Alexa: For example. If I promised a woman's father I would not see her... I would simply shut my eyes, while she serviced my manhood.

    [Jocko the walrus, slaps his face]

    Henry: That's actually a cool way to look at it. And a very gross way.

    [Alexa's smile drops]

  • Henry: Jocko, this is Lucy. Lucy, this is Jocko.

    Lucy: Wow! Thank you. Nice to meet you. He is awesome! He is so smart.

    Henry: Check this out. Jocko, what does the teapot do when the water's ready? Very good.

    Lucy: Hey, can I ask him a question?

    Henry: Go ahead.

    Lucy: Jocko, do you think that Henry and I are ready to take our relationship to the next level? You sure about that? And do you think that I should bring him into the other room and take advantage of him? I saw that hand gesture. And I'm glad you did it.

    Henry: Really?

  • Lucy: Stalker!

    Henry: No, no, no. Don't you remember me a little?

  • [last lines]

    Henry: Grandpa's here.

    Lucy: Hi dad.

  • Alexa: I am grouchy due to lack of recent physical intimacy.

    Henry: Oooo...

    Alexa: Shut up, because here comes one-time only opportunity. What I will do now is go into your office and become naked.

    [Jocko the seal gives a disgusted growl]

    Alexa: Next move is up to you. I may not be as limber as I once was... but yeah, I make up for it with enthusiasm and willingness to experiment.

    [Snaps her neck]

    Henry: I don't know if you realize, I'm not into guys.

  • Henry: And why is your foot on my pillow?

    Ula: Sorry brah

    [removes to reveal a dirty footprint and brushes it off, then sits on the pillow]

    Henry: And I don't want your ass on it either!

  • Henry: I need you to get me two fish from the barrel. Now.

    Alexa: Okay.

    Henry: Just hang in there.

    Alexa: Here.

    Henry: It's gonna be alright. That's a little warm. Go to the bottom of the barrel please. Okay, there. That's good. Thank you. Come on, buddy. Take it. Take it.

    Alexa: He's not responding!

    Henry: I know, Alexa! Sorry I smacked you with that. You needed the fish-slap to calm down. Do you understand?

    Alexa: Yes.

    Henry: Are you calm?

    Alexa: Yes. Fish-slap calm me.

  • Henry: Okay, well, I had a great time.

    Lucy: Me too.

    Henry: Okay.

    Lucy: Would you like to have breakfast again tomorrow morning, same time? Because I teach art class at ten.

    Henry: Oh, really?

    Lucy: Yeah.

    Henry: I wish I could make it, but, yes, I will be there.

    Lucy: Take care.

    Henry: Okay.

    Lucy: One for the road. It is fishy.

    Henry: Got you good. Aloha.

    Lucy: Aloha.

    Henry: See you tomorrow. Oh, my God.

    Lucy: Oh, my goodness.

    Henry: Shit. I had a bee on me.

    Lucy: Alright.

    Henry: It was a big one.

    Old Hawaiian Man: [talks in Hawaiian] Which means "look at those two shit heads".

  • Ula: Dude, I met this sexy blonde tax attorney from Florida at Starbucks today. I told her you the kahuna she wanna have fun on this island. You want her number?

    Henry: You pimping tourists for me again, Ula?

    Ula: Yes! I live vicariously through you, remember? My life sucks. Now, come on give her the Waikikiki sneaky behind the cheeky.

  • Henry: Actually I'm not drunk at all, Noreen, and neither are you, because there's no alcohol in these drinks. Sadly, I've used this technique many times. It helps lovely tourists such as yourself loosen up without impairing your ability to stay awake all night and have guilt free vigorous sex with me.

    Noreen: Wow!

  • Henry: I was petting my walrus all morning and I was thinking of you the whole time.

    Lucy: Okay, pervert. I think that you should leave.

    Henry: What? I was just joking around because of what we talked about yesterday

    Lucy: Yesterday? I've never even met you.

  • Ula: You meet her, hang out, flirt, no commitment, nobody gets hurt.

    Henry: She's got brain damage, you psycho.

    Ula: Okay, I'll give you that one. But I think it'd be healthy for you. You haven't allowed yourself to connect with a girl for many years.

    Henry: I appreciate your interest Ula, but leave me alone.

    Ula: Hey, you'd be doing exactly what her father does: Giving her a wonderful day. Then when it's time for you to go on your big boat trip, poof, you just leave. She'll never even know you're gone.

    Henry: See I'm not sure about the "poofing" part, because I'm not a very big poofer. Could you demonstrate a good poof for me.

    Ula: Quit busting my coconuts for five seconds.

    Henry: Alright. Would you stop poofing on that joint and do some work!

    Ula: Okay. Let's get this sucker ready. Then we're gonna take her out for a spin.

  • Henry: [to Lucy] I drew this, it's a picture of a father and son fishing off a fishing boat.

    [Lucy speaks in Hawaiian]

    Henry: You don't speak English.

  • Henry: Hi. Sorry for the delay. Should be a few minutes.

    Lucy: No problem. No worries.

    Henry: Where are you coming form? Breakfast?

    Lucy: Yeah.

    Henry: How was it?

    Lucy: I had waffles. They were delicious.

    Henry: I like making little houses out of waffles.

    Lucy: You do?

    Henry: That's my thing. What's your name?

    Lucy: Lucy.

    Henry: Hi, I'm Henry.

  • Doug: Is this the guy?

    Marlin: Yeah. Mr. Roth, I have one simple request. Stay away from my daughter.

    Henry: [begging Marlin to let Henry see Lucy and apologize after she ate at the diner] Absolutely. I just, I think I hurt her feelings and I don't want it to end like that.

    Doug: Yeah, well, it's gonna end like this!

    [Doug runs to beat up Henry but then Henry holds him down]

    Henry: Calm down, little fella!

    Doug: I'm gonna kill you. You're a dead man. Okay I'm calm! I'm calm!

    [pause]

    Doug: I coulda whooped his ass, Daddy but this gravel - I siped on it a fwell.

    Marlin: Then maybe you need to do a little bit more butt flexes.

    Doug: Cheap shot, Dad.

  • Henry: I'll see ya around.

    Lucy: Okay.

    [puzzled pause]

    Lucy: Really? That's it?

    Henry: That's what?

    Lucy: All that flirting and phony "I can't read" stuff, and then you're not gonna ask me out or for my phone number?

    Henry: I can't read.

    Lucy: Oh, shut up. That was one of the goofiest things I've ever seen in my life, but I thought, "Hey, if this guy is so desperate to meet me, he might be worth talking to." But then I get stiffed.

    Henry: No, no, no, this is what happened. I...

    Lucy: Mahalo for the ego boost.

    [drives off leaving Henry sputtering]

  • Henry: [to Jocko] I'm gonna miss you buddy, but I gotta get the hell off this island.

  • Marlin: You sure you don't want to take Doug with you?

    Henry: Hey! What the heck are you guys doing here?

  • Henry: I just want to try something that will help her remember me.

  • Alexa: Henry, come quickly, it's Jocko!

    Henry: Alexa, get me two fish from the barrel

    Alexa: He's not responding.

    Henry: [fishslaps Alexa] Calm down. I'm gonna try to get him breathing manually so I need your face next to his mouth to see it if's working. Are you ready? 1, 2, 3!

    Alexa: Nothing, nothing.

    Henry: Alright. I'm gonna try it one more time. One... two... three!

    [Jocko the walrus pukes on Alexa]

    Henry: Yikes, that's a lot of vomit!

    Alexa: This is why I got into this business, to save sea animals.

    Henry: [High-fives Jocko] Yeah, buddy. I knew you were gonna burp but the vomit thing was awesome! That's what she gets for eating my roast beef sandwich.

  • Old Hawaiian Man: That was pathetic.

    Henry: Yeah? Why don't you choke on your spam!

  • Nick: What did Sue say?

    Henry: She said that if I talk to Lucy you'll kill me with a meat cleaver.

  • Henry: Officer, I think there's been a misunderstanding.

    Police Officer: I don't.

  • Henry: I'm not going to stand here and listen to this baloney.

    Carmen: He won't, you know. He doesn't stand for baloney.

  • Henry: Get yourself some flowers, good clothes, good food, a car, and learn how to use words like 'non-committal', and you are a date and a half, Man.

  • Henry: Preston Waters, you know what you've got? S-T-Y-L-E.

    Preston Waters, Henry: Style!

  • Shay Stanley: I'm a little out of shape.

    Henry: Not from where I'm sitting you're not.

  • Henry: You know what they say about gold.

    Preston Waters: He who has the gold makes the rules?

    Henry: No, no, no, no, no, no. A fool and his gold are soon parted.

    Preston Waters: What does that mean?

    Henry: I don't know. It's an old saying, Man. Like, there's more than one way to skin a cat, you hear that one? Who skins cats? Why would you skin a cat? And there is not more than one way to skin a cat, there is only one way! You grab the cat and rip the skin off. What's a number two way? Do you put a hose up the cat's butt and he gets so bloated that he skins himself? Does he have a piece of velcro under his butt there, we just unvelcro him? No.

  • Henry: Kill two birds with one stone, you heard that one? You know anybody who's actually killed one bird with one stone? Kids try it all the time. You can't hit a bird with a stone unless you have a giant rock and a little baby bird. Well anyway, a fool and his gold are soon parted. I guess that means that if you're a fool and soon your gold is gone and once it's gone, it's outta there, it's dust, it's vapour, it is no more, you are living in Brokesville, unless you have Macintosh's kind of money.

    Preston Waters: What if you don't?

    Henry: Then I guess you find out who your real friends are.

  • [looking over the dinner table at Mr. Macintosh's party]

    Preston Waters: There was supposed to be ice cream and pizza. What's going on?

    Henry: This could've been a pizza, you know, before it was run over by a couple of trucks.

  • Henry: I'm waiting for a client.

    Preston Waters: But I'm your client.

    Henry: Right, yeah, and I'm Madonna. Sorry, Kid, the boss doesn't like me taking baseball cards as payment so if you wanna ride in this here limo you need some buckeroos, buckerinis, some moolah, some deniro, some frog skins, much similar to the money... In fact identical to the money you've given me now. I was just kidding about being Madonna. The name's Henry.

  • Henry: You wanna move that horse? What is this? Bonanza?

  • Danielle: [indicating Maurice] I wish to address the issue of this gentleman. He is my servant, and I am here to pay the debt against him.

    Cargomaster: You're too late, he's bought and paid for.

    Danielle: I can pay you twenty gold francs.

    Cargomaster: Madame, you can have me for twenty gold francs. Now drive on!

    Danielle: I demand you release him at once, or I shall take this matter to the King!

    Cargomaster: The King's the one who sold him. He's now the property of Cartier.

    Danielle: He is not property at *all*, you ill-mannered tub of guts! Do you honestly think it right to chain people like chattel? I demand you release him at once!

    Cargomaster: [shouts] Get outta my way!

    Henry: [riding up] You dare raise your voice to a lady, sir?

    Cargomaster: [flustered] Your Highness! F-forgive me, Sire. I meant no disrespect. It's just, uh... I'm following orders here. It's my job to take these criminals and thieves to the coast.

    Danielle: A servant is not a thief, your Highness, and those who are cannot help themselves.

    Henry: Really! Well then by all means, enlighten us.

    Danielle: If you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners corrupted from infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded, sire, but that you first make thieves and then punish them?

    [pause, the other courtiers look on approvingly]

    Henry: Well, there you have it. Release him.

    Cargomaster: But Sire...!

    Henry: I said, release him!

    Cargomaster: Yes, Sire.

    [Maurice is released]

    Maurice: [to Danielle] I thought I was looking at your mother!

    Danielle: [sotto voce] Meet me at the bridge.

    [aloud]

    Danielle: Prepare the horses, we will leave at once.

    [to Henry]

    Danielle: I thank you, your Highness.

  • Henry: Do you really think there is only one perfect mate?

    Leonardo da Vinci: As a matter of fact, I do.

    Henry: Well then how can you be certain to find them? And if you do find them, are they really the one for you or do you only think they are? And what happens if the person you're supposed to be with never appears, or, or she does, but you're too distracted to notice?

    Leonardo da Vinci: You learn to pay attention.

    Henry: Then let's say God puts two people on Earth and they are lucky enough to find one another. But one of them gets hit by lightning. Well then what? Is that it? Or, perchance, you meet someone new and marry all over again. Is that the lady you're supposed to be with or was it the first? And if so, when the two of them were walking side by side were they both the one for you and you just happened to meet the first one first or, was the second one supposed to be first? And is everything just chance or are some things meant to be?

  • Danielle: It is not fair, sire. You have found my weakness, but I have yet to learn yours.

    Henry: But I should think it was quite obvious.

  • Henry: How do you do it?

    Danielle: What?

    Henry: Live each day with this kind of passion. Don't you find it exhausting?

    Danielle: Only when I am around you. Why do you like to irritate me so?

    Henry: Why do you rise to the occasion?

  • Queen Marie: Baroness de Ghent, you are forthwith stripped of your title, and you and your horrible daughter are to be shipped to the Americas on the first available boat... Unless by some miracle, someone here will speak for you.

    [Rodmilla begins looking desperately at the other nobles, they look back coldly]

    Rodmilla: [nervously] There seem to be quite a few people out of town...

    Danielle: I will speak for her.

    [Rodmilla turns around and sees Danielle dressed like a princess while the others bow]

    Danielle: She is, after all, my stepmother.

    Rodmilla: [kneels; quietly] Your Highness.

    Henry: Marguerite, I don't believe you've met... my wife.

    Danielle: [to Rodmilla, smiling] I want you to know that I will forget you after this moment, and never think of you again. But you, I am quite certain, will think about me every single day for the rest of your life.

    Rodmilla: [quietly] And how long might that be?

    Danielle: [looks up] All I ask, Your Majesties... is that you show her the same courtesy that she has bestowed upon me.

  • [last lines]

    Danielle: You, sir, are supposed to be charming.

    Henry: And we, princess, are supposed to live happily ever after.

    Danielle: Says who?

    Henry: You know, I don't know.

    Grand Dame: [voiceover] My great-great-grandmother's portrait hung in the university up until the Revolution. By then, the truth of their romance had been reduced to a simple fairy tale. And, while Cinderella and her prince *did* live happily ever after, the point, gentlemen, is that they lived.

  • Henry: I kneel before you not as a prince, but as a man in love... But I would feel like a king if you, Danielle de Barbarac, would be my wife.

  • Danielle: Forgive me, Your Highness, I did not see you.

    Henry: Your aim would suggest otherwise.

  • Henry: I have been born to privilege, and with that comes specific obligations.

    Leonardo da Vinci: Horseshit.

  • [outside Pierre Le Pieu's castle]

    Henry: Hello.

    Danielle: Hello.

    [pause]

    Danielle: What are you doing here?

    Henry: [sheepishly] I uh... I came to... rescue you.

    Danielle: Rescue me? A commoner?

    [starts to walk away]

    Henry: [going after her] Actually, I came to beg your forgiveness. I offered you the world and at the first test of honor, I betrayed your trust. Please, Danielle...

    Danielle: [stops, turns around] Say it again.

    Henry: I'm sorry.

    Danielle: No.

    [smiles]

    Danielle: The part where you said my name.

    Henry: [smiling] Danielle.

  • Henry: [to Paulette and Louise, confused] Were there just the two of you?

    Louise: And, the chicken, Your Highness.

  • [looking at the books in the Franciscan monastery]

    Danielle: It makes me want to cry.

    Henry: Pick one.

    Danielle: I could no sooner choose a favorite star in the heavens.

    Henry: What is it that touches you so?

    Danielle: I suppose it is because when I was young my father would stay up late and read to me. He was addicted to the written word and I would fall asleep listening to the sound of his voice.

    Henry: What sort of books?

    Danielle: Science, philosophy... I suppose they remind me of him. He died when I was eight. Utopia was the last book he brought home.

    Henry: Which explains why you quote it.

    Danielle: I would rather hear his voice again than any sound in the world.

    [Henry smiles, then the smile fades and he begins walking down the stairs away from Danielle]

    Danielle: Is something wrong?

    Henry: [turns to face her] In all my years of study, not one tutor ever demonstrated the passion you have shown me in the last two days. You have more conviction in one memory than I have... in my entire being.

    [laughs slightly, walks away, Danielle follows]

    Danielle: Your Highness, if there is anything I have said or done...

    Henry: Please... don't. It's not you.

  • Henry: You swim alone, climb rocks, rescue servants, is there anything you don't do?

    Danielle: FLY!

  • Henry: Mother, Father, I want to build a university, with the largest library on the continent, where anyone can study, no matter their station!

    King Francis: All right... Who are you... and what have you done with my son?

    Henry: [laughs] Oh, and I want to invite the gypsies to the ball!

  • Henry: What do you know? You build flying machines and you walk on water, and yet you know *nothing* about life!

    Leonardo da Vinci: I know that a life without love is no life at all.

    Henry: And love without trust? What of that?

  • Danielle: You were born to privilege, and with that comes specific obligations.

    [pauses]

    Danielle: [laughing] I am sorry. My mouth has run away with me again.

    Henry: Oh no, my lady. It is your mouth that has me hypnotized.

  • Henry: [as Danielle hurries away] Have we met?

    Danielle: I-I do not believe so, Your Highness.

    Henry: I could have sworn I knew every courtier in the provience.

    Danielle: Well... I am visiting a cousin.

    Henry: Who?

    Danielle: My cousin.

    Henry: Yes, you said that. Which one?

    Danielle: Th-the only one I have, sire.

    Henry: Are you coy on purpose or do you honestly refuse to tell me your name?

    Danielle: [stops quickly] No.

    [quickly heads towards the gate]

    Danielle: And yes.

    Henry: Well, then, pray tell me your cousin's name so that I might call upon her to learn who you are. For anyone who can quote Thomas More is well worth the effort.

    Danielle: [stops] The Prince has read "Utopia"?

    Henry: I found it sentimental and dull. Honestly, the plight of the everyday rustic bores me.

    Danielle: I... take it you do not converse with many peasants.

    Henry: Ha, certainly not, no. Naturally.

    Danielle: [starts walking again] Excuse me, sire, but there is nothing "natural" about it. A country's character is defined by its "everyday rustics," as you call them. They are the legs you stand on and that position demands *respect,* not...

    Henry: Am I to understand that you find me... arrogant?

    Danielle: Well, you gave one man back his life, but did you even glance at the others?

    Henry: Please, I beg of you, a name. Any name.

    Danielle: I... I fear the only name to leave you with... is Comtesse Nicole de Lancret.

  • Henry: Stay aloft, madame, there are games afoot.

  • [about Danielle, who is hiding behind a haystack]

    Henry: You know her! Please, I must find her. Where is she staying?

    Gustav: Uh, I believe, your Highness, that she is staying with a cousin. The, uh, Baroness Rodmilla de Ghent.

    Henry: Hm. That does present a problem.

    Gustav: But, I do know that she is there. Alone. By herself. At this very moment.

    Henry: Excellent.

    [pause]

    Henry: Nice painting.

    [Henry rides off]

    Danielle: [emerging from hiding] Gustav, you horrible little *snipe*!

    Gustav: Did you hear? He likes my work!

    Danielle: And he is heading for my house!

    Gustav: Then I suggest you run.

  • Henry: I was hoping you could help me find the owner of this rather remarkable shoe.

    Danielle: It belongs to a peasant, Your Highness, who only pretended to be a courtier to save a man's life.

    Henry: I know. And the name is Henry, if you don't mind.

  • Henry: I have not slept for fear I would wake to find all this a dream.

  • Henry: Am I to understand that you find me... arrogant?

    Danielle: Well, you gave one man back his life but did you even glance at the others?

  • Danielle: Well you gave one man back his life but did you even glance at the others?

    [Danielle tries to get away while Henry is distracted by the criminals' wagon]

    Henry: Please, I beg of you. A name. Any name.

    Danielle: I fear that the only name I can leave you with is Comtesse Nicole de Lancret.

    Henry: There now... that wasn't so hard.

  • Henry: You're looking well, Marguerite.

    Marguerite: You're welcome to look, Your Highness.

  • Henry: How could I have been so blind? There I was, pouring my royal heart out to her, and she was simply trying to bid me farewell!

    Queen Marie: It is a strong woman who can keep her wits about her, with you trying to steal her heart.

    Henry: Yes, and what a clumsy thief I turned out to be.

  • Henry: Where are your attendants?

    Danielle: I... decided to give them the day off.

    Henry: [incredulously] A day off? From what, life?

    Danielle: Don't you ever tire of having people wait on you all the time?

    Henry: Well, yes, but... they're servants, it's what they do.

    Danielle: [coldly] Well I wish I could dismiss mine as easily as you do yours.

    [she rises]

    Danielle: I must be going.

    Henry: [following her] You're angry with me!

    Danielle: No.

    Henry: Admit it!

    Danielle: Well yes, if you want to know.

    Henry: Why?

    Danielle: Because you are trying to bait me with your snobbery.

    Henry: I fear, mademoiselle, that you are a walking contradiction, and I find that rather fascinating.

    Danielle: Me?

    Henry: Yes, you. You spout the ideals of a Utopian society and yet you live the life of a courtier!

    Danielle: And *you* own all the land there is and yet you take no pride in working it! Is that not also a contradiction?

    Henry: Hm, first I am arrogant, and now I have no pride; however do I manage that?

    Danielle: You have *everything*, and still the world holds no joy; and yet you insist on making fun of those who *would* see it for its possibilities.

  • [to the Spanish princess who is sobbing and begging to be let out of their wedding]

    Henry: Madame, Madame, I know exactly how you feel.

  • King Francis: You sir are restricted to the grounds.

    Henry: Are you putting me under house arrest?

    King Francis: Do not mock me, boy, for I am in a foul disposition. And I will have my way...

    Henry: Or what? You'll ship me off to the Americas like some criminal? All for the sake of your stupid contract?

    King Francis: You are the Crown Prince of France!

    Henry: And it is my life.

    Queen Marie: Francis, sit down before you have a stroke. Really. the two of you.

    [to Henry]

    Queen Marie: Sweetheart... you were born to privilege and with that comes specific obligations.

    Henry: Forgive me, Mother, but marriage to a complete stranger never made anyone in this room very happy.

    King Francis: You will marry Gabriella by the next full moon or I will strike at you in any way I can.

    Henry: What's it to be, father, hot oil or the rack?

    King Francis: I will simply deny you the crown and... live forever.

    Henry: Good. Agreed. I don't want it.

    [Walks out]

    King Francis: [to the Queen, frustrated] He's your son.

  • Henry: You told me it was a matter of life or death.

    Leonardo da Vinci: [unrolling the Mona Lisa] A woman always is, sire.

  • Henry: I feel as if my skin is the only thing keeping me from going everywhere at once.

  • Henry: Please, Danielle...

    Danielle: Say it again.

    Henry: I'm sorry.

    Danielle: No, the part where you said my name.

  • Henry: Nicole, do you know the ruins at Amboise?

    Danielle: Yes.

    Henry: I often go there to be alone. Would you meet me there tomorrow?

    Danielle: I shall try.

    Henry: Then I shall wait all day.

  • Danielle: The prince has read Utopia?

    Henry: I found it sentimental and dull. Honestly, the plight of the everyday rustic bores me.

  • Henry: Tell no-one we have spoken, for all shall reveal itself in due course.

  • Henry: Marguerite, I don't believe you've met my wife.

  • [Lucy starts undressing, then stops]

    Henry: What's wrong? Why are you stopping?

    Lucy Wagner: Henry, this isn't how I planned it would be.

    Henry: That's funny, because this is exactly how I planned it to be!

  • Dianne: Do you still see the sparks in me?

    Henry: [after a pause] Do you?

  • Henry: [narrating] You wanna be beautiful, but respected as a woman. And then you... you wanna be sexy and skinny but smart and desired and rich and eventually a mother and it's... maybe you just want too much.

  • Henry: Just tell it to call you Billie, you bitch!

  • Henry: I drove out there with the remains of three human beings... well, two human beings and Wilma.

  • Finnegan O'Neil: What's he yellin' at?

    Henry: Life.

  • [first lines]

    Monte Wildhorn: What's all that crap on the windshield?

    Henry: It's ash from the fire.

    Monte Wildhorn: This is where you're bringing me?

    Henry: It's rent free.

    Monte Wildhorn: Before or after it burns down?

  • Henry: You fucker!

    Angus Oldfield: Actually it was a sperm sample.

    Henry: You wanker!

  • Henry: What are you doing in here?

    Angus Oldfield: You wouldn't understand.

  • Experience: You're a tree.

    Henry: I'm not a tree. I'm a fucking sheep!

  • [Henry panics while under attack from a sheep]

    Experience: What is wrong with you?

    Henry: Ovinophobia, my therapist calls it.

    Experience: Well, what's that?

    Henry: Just the completely unfounded and irrational fear that one day *this* is going to happen!

  • Henry: Are you OK?

    Experience: I won't be OK ever again.

  • Henry: [seeing Grant as a Were-Sheep] Oh God, no...

  • Henry: [seeing millions of sheep run down the hill] Oh no!

  • Henry: What's that?

    Experience: Geranium: aromatherapy for uplift and hormonal balance.

    Henry: Do your hormones really need balancing?

    Experience: Considering I've been attacked by genetically-engineered monsters, jumped off a moving vehicle, been chased across a paddock, dragged into a torture chamber, pulled into a mountain of rotting flesh - yes, my hormones need fucking balancing.

  • Experience: What's that noise?

    Henry: Somebody's shearing.

  • Henry: No! No! Don't turn the projector off! No! No! It gets black and we disappear!

  • Henry: YOU WHORE!

  • Henry: Sometimes Goliath kicks the shit out of David. It's just nobody bothers to tell that story.

  • Henry: The cops are around, we gotta lay low for a while... wow, I never thought I'd say THAT.

  • Henry: This is how I suck.

  • Henry: Do you know what your problem is? You live here. You're jaded. What you need is an outsider from let's say..O...hio! See, in the last 24 hours I have experienced more in this city that most people who have lived here their whole lives! I climbed to the top of a luxury hotel! Not in the elevator! On the actual hotel itself! And then I fell...in love with my wife all over again. And then...I had sex in front of the mayor! I mean, where else can all of this stuff happen! Only in New York!

    Lisa Tobin: Can you say that again?

    Henry: What the whole thing, or the tagline for your new campaign "Only in New York" which I copyrighted with the image of the Statue of Liberty giving a high five to a family of tourists?

    Lisa'a assistant: Oh this guy is good!

    Henry: Can I have a donut?

  • Wanda: I can't stand people, I hate them.

    Henry: Oh yeah?

    Wanda: Do you hate them?

    Henry: No, but I seem to feel better when they're not around.

  • Henry: Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

  • Henry: This is a world where everybody's gotta do something. Y'know, somebody laid down this rule that everybody's gotta do something, they gotta be something. You know, a dentist, a glider pilot, a narc, a janitor, a preacher, all that.

    [sighs]

    Henry: Sometimes I just get tired of thinking of all the things that I don't wanna do. All the things that I don't wanna be. Places I don't wanna go, like India, like getting my teeth cleaned. Save the whale, all that, I don't understand that.

    Jim: You're not supposed to think about it. I think the whole trick is, not to think about it.

  • Tully: You can really write. Why do you live like a bum?

    Henry: I am a bum. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to write about the sufferings of the upper classes?

    Tully: This may be news to you but they suffer too.

    Henry: Hey baby, nobody suffers like the poor.

  • Henry: That's it.

    Wanda: That's what?

    Henry: I'm broke. Can't buy another drink.

    Wanda: You mean you don't have any money?

    Henry: No money, no job, no rent. Hey, I'm back to normal.

  • Tully: Why did you send your stuff to us?

    Henry: Well, I liked the title of the mag. It boggled my scrotum.

    Tully: Why don't you stop drinking? Anybody can be a drunk.

    Henry: Anybody can be a non-drunk. It takes a special talent to be a drunk. It takes endurance. Endurance is more important than truth.

  • Henry: It's hatred. It's the only thing that lasts.

  • Henry: Why did it have to be Eddie? He symbolizes everything that disgusts me. Obviousness. Unoriginal macho energy. Ladies man...

    Wanda: You're right. He's not much

  • Henry: [to Eddie] Your mother's cunt stinks like carpet cleaner.

  • Henry: [Voice over] And as my hands drop the last desperate pen, in some cheap room, they will find me there and never know my name, my meaning, nor the treasure of my escape.

  • Wanda: I hate the police, don't you?

    Henry: I don't know, but I seem to feel better when they're not around.

  • Henry: Some guys really know how to get the women.

    Jim: Now, you don't know how?

    Henry: Hey, I can get one for ten minutes. That's my limit.

  • Tully: I take it you don't care for my world.

    Henry: [scoffs] Well, baby, look around. It's a, it's a cage with golden bars.

  • Henry: You know, in the guest house, you could write in peace.

    Tully: Hey, Tully baby, nobody who could write worth a damn could ever write in peace, Jesus.

  • Henry: [to his own bloody face as reflected in the bathroom mirror] Nothing but the dripping sink. Empty bottle. Euphoria. Youth fenced in, stabbed and shaved. Taut words propped up to die

  • Henry: Drinks for all my friends!

  • Eddie: All you gotta do is beg for a little mercy.

    Henry: Quittin' to you would be like swallowin' piss for eternity.

  • Henry: I remember ordering a draught, barkeep. What, are you out of brew, or has that lobotomy finally taken hold?

  • Henry: So you hired a dick to find an asshole?

  • Henry: Baby, What we had was just green corn.

  • Tully: Do you need a drink?

    Henry: Yeah, like a spider needs a fly.

  • Wanda: [talking about the rumour that her neighbor killed people] Maybe he had a reason to kill those people.

    Henry: Yeah well most people think they do.

  • Henry: Nobody who ever wrote anything worth a damn could ever write in peace... Jesus.

  • Henry: Grow's for plants. I hate roots.

  • Henry: I'm the doctor until the doctor comes back!

    Billy: Okay, you be the doctor and I'll be the escaped mental patient, okay?

    [Kicks the van and walks off]

  • Henry: Does this mean we are actually leaving the hospital grounds?

    Billy: No, the Yankees are going to come here and play. There gonna throw some lights up in the rec room. What a stroker.

  • Billy: You see those two towers? World Trade Center. I was an architect working on them. First they just wanted to build one but I said, "Fellas, we're here. What the hell, throw the other one up". Turned out pretty well, didn't it?

    Henry: Fantasy.

  • [In a bar]

    Henry: Would you mind cleaning up your area? Nobody likes a Mr. Messy.

    Patron #1: Fuck you.

    Henry: [to Patron #2] He refuses to clean up his area.

    Patron #2: Leave me alone, jerk-off.

    Henry: Do I sense some hostility here?

  • Jack: [Begins to undress] We are all naked in the eyes of the lord.

    Henry: STOP! This man is clinically insane! He is presently undergoing treatment at Cedarbrook Hospital under my supervision!

  • Henry: 10 minutes and 47 seconds, Mr. Caufield. Boy, some patients make a therapist want to shake his head.

    [Billy kicks a chair out of the semi-circle and sits down]

    Henry: Straighten out that chair!

    Billy: Henry, imagine this: my chair is straight and all the other chairs are out of order. There's a real mind-bender for you there.

  • Henry: [Holds up the cupcake Albert had stolen] This is NOT okay.

    Dr. Weitzman: What's that?

    Henry: This is Brian's cupcake. Every day an innocent man is deprived of his dessertwhile we sit here and do nothing.

    Billy: [sarcastically] Ooh, you could do some time for that, Big Al. Ooh! Brian's cupcake. Doc, I say we drag him outside and beat the shit out of him.

    Dr. Weitzman: Guys, guys, Brian isn't complaining so let's just drop it, alright? Don't worry about the cupcake, Albert.

  • Jack: Great! Breakfast. I'm starved.

    Henry: That's not ours. That's Ed's.

    Jack: Did Ed make the sun shine? Did Ed make the wheat grow?

    Henry: I don't know the man.

  • Henry: Hey guys, time for a hug?

    Jack: I don't think so.

    Billy: Maybe after the game.

    Albert: Play ball!

  • Dr. Weitzman: Henry, the kitchen made us some brownies. I'd like you to be in charge of passing them out.

    Henry: Okay,

    [points to Jack]

    Henry: but none for the bishop of bullshit.

  • Henry: Can you recommend a good clinical psychiatrist in the area? We seem to have lost ours.

  • [They are under a large cardboard box in the rain]

    Henry: I think we should review our goals.

    Billy: Review our goals. Wacko, we gotta find the doctor.

    Henry: Who put you in charge? I'm in charge here.

    Jack: Read the New Testament, Sparky. You'll find out who's in charge.

    Billy: Get outta the way!

    [They bump a pedestrian]

    Billy: Albert, you step on my foot one more time, I'm gonna kill ya!

    Albert: Kill the ump!

    Jack: Why does a grown man have to smell like tuna fish?

  • Woman: Jerry, I need two Rum Collins, two Jack Daniels, one on the rocks, and a Heineken.

    Bartender: [to Henry] What'll it be?

    Henry: Jerry, I need two Rum Collins, two Jack Daniels, one on the rocks, and a Heineken. Please.

  • Billy: [about why he threw a chair through the window] I'm sorry. I just flashed back to 'Nam.

    Dr. Weitzman: You never made it to Vietnam, Bill.

    Henry: He's too violent for Vietnam.

  • Billy: We're gonna have to search all these hospitals ourselves.

    [Looks at a page he tore out of the phone book]

    Henry: That's public property.

    Billy: Yeah? Watch this: public property...

    [folds the page and puts it in his pocket]

    Billy: Private property.

    Henry: Vandal.

  • Henry: [in the hospital room of whom they think is Dr. Weitzman] Father, may I say a few words? I knew this man perhaps better than anyone here. I pledge to continue his work for as long as I live.

    [near tears]

    Henry: He devoted his life to the treatment for the insane.

    Billy: [looks at the corpse - turns to Henry] Henry, may I say a few words?

    Henry: Oh certainly, William.

    Billy: It's not him.

    Henry: [after pause] Perhaps I'd better bring my remarks to a close.

  • Jack: Let me hold the gun.

    Henry: No.

    Jack: I let you sit in the front seat!

  • Henry: Dr. Newald's going to be very, very, very upset. I'm going to have to make a full report.

    Jack McDermott: You're a sick man. It's a sickness of the soul.

    [flips Henry the finger]

    Jack McDermott: Put *this* in your report!

    Albert: Foul ball!

  • Henry: The doctor will be back soon. We're on a very tight schedule.

    [That night, they're still in the van. No doctor]

    Billy: How do you like the game so far? I'm having a ball. Great seats huh guys? it's funny the hot dog guy hasn't been around.

  • Henry: Get the band back together?

    Big Al: You could do that.

    Henry: For a show you need equipment, and tickets, and *people*, and everything.

    Big Al: I could do that.

    Henry: Oh, Al. Let's face it, in a week, some teenager's gonna be teaching us how to operate a deep-fryer.

    [pause]

    Big Al: We could do that.

  • Ashley: I hope you don't mind me asking, but how, um... How did it happen?

    Henry: She was crushed by an angel and as sad as I am, I do appreciate the irony

  • Lola: If it's any consolation, his dick was so big it hurt my back!

    Henry: Oh, he has a bigger dick than me too? No, that is a consolation. You should go into the greeting card business. 'Sorry I cheated on you. P.S. your dick is smaller!'

  • Henry: I've spent my whole life... wanting something... and doing my very best not to find it. Never even going near the places it might be... And suddenly, I've got the goddamn thing practically chained around my neck.

    Lucy: What are you talking about?

    Henry: You. You. You're the, you're the... You're, you're- you're the goddamn thing. Ahhh, uh. I mean... You're, you're. I can't describe you... uhh, I don't, I don't write that kind of shit, I write... You know, the people who write, who write the real books, the love books, and the poems, and even those stupid little fucking novels with the hunky assholes on the cover...

    Lucy: Stop...

    Henry: You know it? You know what I'm talking about? You know - you're like Princess shit! You know? Fairytales. You know what I'm saying? The million guys are after and you're blinded by your beauty kind of shit. Real big stuff. You know, that just - even, we got the dick that kidnaps you and sticks you in a cave and you're guarded by a five-headed dragon, you know and the tales of your plight are spread throughout the land and all the guys go and put on their shoes so they can see what's up and none of them have the balls to save her except for me. I would go through anything... for you. And still, there I was looking for a way not to see it. Anything. Money...

    Lucy: You stupid idiot.

    Henry: Yeah.

    Lucy: Yes.

    Henry: Yeah... big fat stupid idiot.

    Lucy: I hope you're better to the next one.

    Henry: No - wait...

    [he digs in his bag and decides not to give her the dedication to Simone, but grabs the pebble he had given her and then thrown back onto the beach and went back for later]

    Henry: It was easy to find... it's the only one like it.

    Lucy: You broke my heart, Henry. I don't think you can trust people. You always have to find something wrong. I'm just... I'm sorry. I'll miss you.

  • Henry: I've spent my whole life wanting something and doing my very best not to find it. Never even going near the places it might be, and suddenly I got the god damn thing practically chained around my neck.

    Lucy: What are you talking about?

    Henry: You, you're the god damned thing.

  • Henry: Okay, uh, before we can, uh... work effectively with one another, I think we should be comfortable. So, ten minutes, okay? Then - then work. Okay? Go. Okay, I'll start. Uh, I hate my mother. I hate my goddamn dead father more. Rudy was the only friend I ever had. I had a girlfriend once who I used to like to masturbate to more than have sex with. Carrots and snakes frighten me. Umm... I'm superstitious about the numbers...

    [holds up three fingers, then six fingers, then seven fingers, crosses himself, blows into his fist, and makes a motion as if to throw the breath away]

    Henry: I can only stir things counterclockwise, and I know that if I don't, something bad will happen. I take size eleven-and-a-half shoe. I don't have a favourite book. Umm... Oh... What's crucial? Oh, I don't drive or ride in cars. Statistically speaking, you have a 100% chance of being in an accident in your lifetime. They're death boxes. I give to Amnesty International on the off chance I'm ever imprisoned and tortured for my political beliefs. Paradoxically, I have no political beliefs. Umm... life is pain. Black kids are cuter than white ones. What's important? Uh... I didn't mean it when I compared you to our waitress. I was only trying to hurt you. I could've been meaner about your looks, and what I would've said would have made you cry. Umm... I have a towel I can't throw out 'cause it may have feelings. When I ejaculate, I go into deep depressions. Though by any standard you're a nice person, I deeply resent having to work with you. I love Japanese monster movies. Gamera, specifically.

    Lucy: Gamera movies?

  • Henry: She deserves better than him.

    Rudy Holt: Now you're talking.

    Henry: Better than me, too.

    Rudy Holt: Yeah, but she doesn't know that yet.

  • Henry: I can't.

    Lucy: Yes, you can.

    Henry: We have to work.

    Lucy: Right now?

    Henry: Lucy, come on please. It's going to get very complicated. Ahh, it's going to get so complicated.

    Lucy: Do you just genuinely dislike me, Henry?

    Henry: A week ago, I didn't give a rat's ass about nebulas and now I can't get enough of them. Ok?

    Lucy: Nebulae.

    Henry: What?

    Lucy: It's nebulae... not nebulas.

    Henry: Ok, fine. I don't care about nebulas. You know accuse me of whatever you want, I'm probably guilty of it... contributing to global warming, and killing a squirrel once, and using the word retarded, and occasionally misinterpreted bigotry, but don't, don't... don't don't don't don't don't accuse me of not liking you. Ok?

    Lucy: I understand.

  • Henry: I've never been good at finding things, I'm really good at losing things.

  • Henry: You'll be fine. We'll both be fine Rudy.

    Rudy Holt: That's life Henry.

    Henry: Yep.

    Rudy Holt: You know what life is?

    Henry: Life is a horrible little giggle in the midst of a forced death march towards hell.

    Rudy Holt: No it isn't.

    Henry: An interminable wale of grief...

    Rudy Holt: No. Life is a single skip for joy.

    Henry: I know.

  • Henry: Life is nothing but the echo of joy disappearing into the great chasm of misery.

    Rudy Holt: ...You've had better.

    Henry: Life is nothing but the occasional burst of laughter rising above the interminable wail of grief.

    Rudy Holt: That's my favorite.

    Henry: It lives in truth, that's why.

  • Henry: [handed piece of paper by Rudy] Who's this?

    Rudy Holt: Uh, red suit, fat ass, best friend's a reindeer. Bones Mrs. Claus

    Henry: [laughs] What's happening here?

    Rudy Holt: Santa's sleigh, runs over Marty's tail, Marty jumps up, bites him in the crotch. Gives Santa the clap.

  • Henry: You stole his Cadillac and he got mad so he shaved your head while you were sleeping, it wasn't very fatherly but it happened.

  • [last lines]

    Henry: You have this... intangible quality.

    Francine Driver: Try harder.

    Henry: I'm cursed by the blossoming knowledge of my feminine ideal & she looks suspiciously like you.

    Francine Driver: That's not bad.

    Henry: It's pretty good, you mean. Not a total waste.

    Francine Driver: How about the truth.

    Henry: The truth is you're not my usual type.

    Francine Driver: What's your usual type?

    Henry: Gaunt, fashionable and dumb, with a big square Appalachian ass and an obsession with country music.

    Francine Driver: Jesus.

    Henry: Will you at least consider it?

    Francine Driver: [sighs, rips up photo. Sighs. Smiles. Grins]

  • Henry: Hey sorry about that.

    Francine Driver: Oh, no problem.

    Henry: I'd like to make it up to you.

    Francine Driver: No need. I see you're the kind of guy that takes initiative.

    Henry: Is that bad?

    Francine Driver: No, it will serve you well. Don't they card people anymore?

    Henry: I'm older than I look.

    Francine Driver: 12?

    Henry: Cheers. Henry.

    Francine Driver: Francine.

    Henry: Can I ask you a question Francine?

    Francine Driver: It depends.

    Henry: By some miracle of circumstance I happened to look over there and you were lifting your shirt for that guy.

    Francine Driver: Mm, that's not a question.

    Henry: My question, and call me a hopeless romantic, is about the extraordinary possibility of those being real. Could they be?

    Francine Driver: You need to grow up. And get a girlfriend.

    Henry: I have a girlfriend.

    Francine Driver: Where is she?

    Henry: Stood me up.

    Francine Driver: Aww, a tale of woe playing on my sympathy. Good luck with that.

  • Henry: You have this... intangible quality.

    Francine Driver: Try harder.

    Henry: I'm cursed by the blossoming knowledge of my feminine ideal & she looks suspiciously like you.

    Francine Driver: That's not bad.

    Henry: It's pretty good, you mean. Not a total waste.

    Francine Driver: How about the truth.

    Henry: The truth is you're not my usual type.

    Francine Driver: What's your usual type?

    Henry: Gaunt, fashionable and dumb, with a big square Appalachian ass and an obsession with country music.

    Francine Driver: Jesus.

    Henry: Will you at least consider it?

    Francine Driver: [sighs, rips up photo. Sighs. Smiles. Grins]

  • Henry: You're the kind of woman I bet looks great naked.

  • Henry: Sometimes you can just smell a horrendously shitty day on the way, can't you?

  • Henry: I realize this doesn't exactly get us off on the right foot.

    Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel: The right foot, are you out of your mind? The offer is rescinded. How stupid do you think we are? What do you think I get when I put two and two together? Three? Three and a half?

    Henry: Look, I'm trying to be reasonable here, and just let me...

    Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel: Why don't you just take my wallet as well?

    Henry: Let me talk. Let me say something, wait a m...

    Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel: Well, I hope you're satisfied, asshole! You just blew your chance to cover the world!

    Henry: Really? Well guess fucking what? I don't really fucking care. You wanna know fucking why? Because I don't fucking live in the fucking world! I live in fucking New York City! So go fuck yourself!

    [Henry slams down telephone back on the receiver]

    Janet, Henry's Secretary: You handled that well.

    Henry: Thank you.

  • [Henry drinking Coke]

    Martha: Why don't you just pour battery acid down your throat?

    Henry: No caffeine.

  • Henry: What's the matter with Phil? It looks like he sat on something sharp.

    Janet, Henry's Secretary: Well, you told him he could have Richard's old desk, right?

    Henry: Right.

    Janet, Henry's Secretary: And now you promised it to Carmen. Are you completely psychotic?

    Henry: I have episodes. Nothing serious.

    Janet, Henry's Secretary: Phil is still pissed you wouldn't approve his $600 orthopaedic chair. And now with this desk thing, he's convinced it's a conspiracy to prevent him from sitting down.

  • Henry: Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me.

  • Bernie: You got a cop quote?

    Henry: A what?

    Bernie: Quote. You know, they talk, you write, we print?

  • Henry: What if these aren't the guys? What if they're innocent?

    Alicia: Taint them today, we make them look good on Saturday. Everybody's happy.

    Henry: Wait. This is a story that could permanently alter the public's perception of two teenagers who might be innocent and as a weekend bonus, ignite another race war. How about that? Think about this.

  • Henry: Jeez. What are these?

    Janet, Henry's Secretary: Subway wreck, West 4th Street this morning. Did you find the one with the...

    Henry: Is that an arm?

    Janet, Henry's Secretary: Yeah, you found it.

  • Henry: Doesn't anybody say "good morning" any more?

    Carmen: I don't think so.

  • Bernie: You do have a problem, Henry. But it's your problem.

    Henry: Thanks, Bernie. You've been a big help.

  • Henry: For God's sakes, Alicia. We're not gonna ask some news reporter to wait until after 5:00 to make out-of-state phone calls. It's ridiculous. I'm not gonna do it.

    Alicia: Okay, let's let them make free phone sex calls too.

    Henry: You mean as a kind of bonus? That's not a bad idea. Why don't you start with Phil?

  • Bernie: What about something fun? Don't we have anything fun today?

    Henry: Nazis marching in New Jersey.

    Lou: There you go.

    Bernie: Nazis are a barrel of laughs.

  • Anna: Oh, Henry, this might interest you. The mother whale in the Ukraine had triplets.

    Henry: She told me she was on the pill!

  • Henry: When did you get so paranoid?

    Michael McDougal: When they started plotting against me.

  • Henry: Hey, do you remember Sedona Savings and Loan? They went under six months ago. We did a big piece on 'em.

    Michael McDougal: I don't read this newspaper.

  • [Martha wants to talk to Henry]

    Henry: I've got 64 seconds. What's wrong?

  • Henry: It's a Marx Brothers movie every time I step in my office.

  • Bernie: Where did you get this?

    Henry: This? I stole it off Bladden's desk at The Sentinel.

    Bernie: Jesus, Henry, I was kidding.

    Henry: You know, they called us "cute", and I was right there and they were out of tote bags.

  • Henry: Did McDougal call in?

    Janet, Henry's Secretary: No.

    Henry: No message at all from McDougal?

    Janet, Henry's Secretary: I have no motive for lying, Henry.

  • [Looking at Lou's proof of page one]

    Lou: What do you think?

    Henry: I hate it.

    Lou: Me too.

  • Henry: What do you think I'm trying to do?. Look, I got news for you. I'm not locked up in the men's room with a cop because it's a good time. Frankly, I've had better times, okay? I'm here because I think the story is wrong. Is it? Is it? If you have something, give it to me now, but don't stand there and act coy and say "Fuck you", because, quite frankly, it's a waste of all of our time. And you know what? I don't have any more time. I have no more fucking time. I need it fucking today, I need it right now!

  • Henry: Are you telling me these banker schmucks lost $5 million of the Mob's money?

    Martha: Dumb fellas, huh? Unwise guys.

  • Martha: Henry, listen. Tomorrow is fine. Tomorrow.

    Henry: No, today.

    Martha: Tomorrow.

    Henry: Today. Today. Today. Today.

    Martha: Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

    Henry: Today, now. Today, now. Today.

  • Henry: Robin happens to be a professional news photographer.

    Alicia: Robin happens to be 14 years old.

  • Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel: The Sedona item. you stole it right off my desk!

    Henry: Uh...

    Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel: Uh, uh, uh, my ass!

  • Michael McDougal: What's with all the grunt work? I'm a columnist.

    Henry: You're not a columnist. You're a reporter who writes long.

  • Henry: I can't stay. I have to put the paper to bed. But what do you say we all get together later and go have some dessert at that... place.

  • Henry: I - You're shouting, first of all.

    Martha: I know I'm shouting! I like to shout!

  • Bernie: I hate columnists! Why do I have all these columnists? I got political columnists, guest columnists... celebrity columnists - The only thing I don't have is a dead columnist. That's the kind I could really use.

    Henry: Right. Listen...

    Bernie: We reek of opinions. What every columnist at this paper needs to do is to shut the fuck up.

  • Henry: Don't take the bat out of my hand. It's the ninth inning.

  • Henry: I think we got room for 20 inches on this one. Give me a killer lead. By the way, you got three minutes.

    Michael McDougal: I need four.

    Henry: Three.

    Michael McDougal: I need four.

    Henry: Alright, whatever. Just make it fast.

  • Henry: I'm stopping it.

    Michael McDougal: What?

    Henry: We stop and replate. Go upstairs and write up what you've got. Tell Lou to send down "They Didn't Do It".

    Michael McDougal: Hey Henry, are you going to say it? You gotta say it.

    Henry: Use the same art they used for "Gotcha!".

    Michael McDougal: Come on, how often do you get the chance? You can't just do it and not say it, come on!

    Henry: I - Stop the presses!

  • Alicia: People take the Sun with a grain of salt. We'll run yours tomorrow.

    Henry: No! Not tomorrow! Right fucking now today!

  • Martha: Didn't you notice?

    Henry: What?

    Martha: All the crap. Today I can't even remember it.

  • Henry: A clipboard and a confident wave will get you into any building in the world!

  • Henry: I don't think so, I don't think so. You know, TV's gonna be all over it. They already are. It's a minor derailment. And Carmen has got great day two stuff on the Williamsburg murders. If they make a bust, we have to follow up on that.

    Alicia: The subway's a major story.

    Anna: Nobody died.

    Lou: Somebody got maimed.

    Alicia: Yeah, that helps.

    Henry: [mocking] Minor derailment!

  • Henry: Alicia's going to have to kiss my ass on this one. Come on, baby! Right here, baby!

  • Jerry: [on Bernie's mood] What's up his ass?

    Henry: A bagel.

  • Alicia: Oh please, Henry. You don't care whether they get beaten up or not, that's not what this is all about. We got our ass kicked yesterday, so you want to beat everyone else today, that's all.

    Henry: Yeah I do. You don't? You don't?

    Alicia: C'mon, give me a break.

    Henry: Tell me you don't. You do. Fuck it! Let's not beat anybody today, let's not beat anybody all week. Bernie, what do you say? Let's not beat anybody til October, the whole year? Fuck it, Let's never beat anybody to the rest of our lives.

  • Bernie: Features.

    Carl: We got Alison's profile of the teenage hit man. We got Grace finally done with that Hollywood who's-banging-who chart and part three in our continuing saga on penile implants.

    Henry: Yeah, by the way, could we possibly get another dick drawing? It looks like a map of Florida. I also look like, I think, the 5th at Shinnecock Country Club, doesn't it? I would play over the water, by the way, as a suggestion.

  • Richie: You guys use my name on this and I'll fucking find you. You understand?

    Henry: I got it. Police department source only. Promise, right?

    Richie: These kids? They didn't do it.

  • Alicia: He derails his train and steps over bodies to have a few beers?

    Henry: What do you do after you step over bodies?

    Alicia: I have a cigarette and go to sleep.

  • Phil: What's with the gunshot?

    Henry: McDougal.

    Bernie: Is he dead?

  • Janet, Henry's Secretary: Are you completely psychotic?

    Henry: I have episodes, nothing serious.

  • Henry's Wife: [to Flywheel lying on a bed] Can you tell me the price of this bed?

    Wolf J. Flywheel: $8000

    Henry: Why that's preposterous! I can get the same bed anywhere in town for $25.

    Wolf J. Flywheel: Yes, but not with me in it!

  • Henry: What's it like, being dead, Nathan?

    Nathan: It's empty. Numb. There's no blood circulating.

    Diggs: None? Not even... down there?

  • Henry: [Holding the hand of a corpse just fished out of the lake with a fishing lure dangling from it] I'm surprised you caught anything with this lure!

  • [Henry and Charlie in the hotel bar. Henry sees Anna, Charlie looks and catches her eye. She waves, he smiles]

    Henry: What's that about?

    Charlie: Oh, we took the elevator up together...

    Henry: That's it? That's the big juice?

    Charlie: What do you want me to say? Okay...She's a spy and we're both planning on making love before we're assassinated by the CIA.

  • Henry: What?

    Claire Paxton: Twelve O' clock... a girl checking you out

    Henry: [looks behind Claire] Where?

    Claire Paxton: My Twelve... O' clock

    [Henry looks behind him]

    Claire Paxton: Don't stare... just... walk like a normal person

  • Henry: Obviously we all want to be sodomized on some subconscious level. But we don't write about it for many many pages.

  • Henry: Do you know what the best part of a blow-job is? Ten minutes of silence.

  • Henry: [disappointed at Max] Two identical women and you fall for the one that won't blow you in a bar.

  • Henry: [training Repli-Kate] When you piss in the shower, always aim directly for the drain.

  • Henry: Hey. If you are all there, who is licking my balls?

  • [last lines]

    Henry: I want to go home.

    Mr. Goodkat: Neither of us is going home for a long time, kid.

    [Goodkat turns on the car radio]

    Mr. Goodkat: My name is Goodkat. You can call me Mr. Goodkat.

    [a song called 'Kansas City Shuffle' begins to play on the radio]

  • Henry: What's going on with you, brother?

    Henry: [Eric doesn't answer] I said, what's going on with you, brother?

    Eric: I want my car back.

  • Henry: [both characters talking to Jason] Best part of the cod. The outsiders, they won't touch it. Summer fisherman, well, they're part-timers like Frank here; get in your hair. As many as 80 of them now with licenses. Hmm! Should have put up a sign. Stay in your own backyard, or lose your traps.

    Frank Fowler: See, Henry here is just sore 'cause I catch twice as much as he does with an old second-hand Bordreau.

    Henry: Now, don't you listen to him, son. That boat is fine. She was my first. I kinda miss her, sometimes. And that truck you're driving. When are you headed back to school, Frank?

    [both Henry and Frank start laughing while Jason looks at Frank with sadness in his face about Frank having to leave]

  • Henry: If I take you to the restaurant, will you come and stay the night in my room?

    Jewel: Oh, Henry, not if front of my boy.

    Henry: "Not if front of your boy?" He's a grown man, for God's sake. Besides that, you've had him out selling cock since he was twelve years old. It ain't like we haven't known each other for awhile.

  • Henry: All them squares out there, they got just as many problems as you've got.

    Sonny: So you think I should stay, too?

    Henry: No, I... I ain't sayin' that. I'm just... I just... I just want you to understand that if you... if you're goin' to the other side, that-that you're gonna inherit a whole new set of problems. Stayin' or goin' is up to you. I care for you, boy. I just don't want you gettin' in t' anything that you can't handle.

  • Henry: You didn't even give the boy a chance.

    Jewel: Don't worry about it. He's doin' what he's best at.

    Henry: Yeah, that's right. Drivin' himself off a cliff, just like you taught him, right?

  • Jewel: You could take me out eatin' if you didn't spend all your money guzzlin' whiskey and gamblin', when the only thing you're any good at's losin'.

    Henry: Now, you hold on, woman! We've been through all this before! I don't say nothin' about your ass gettin' fatter by the minute...

    Jewel: Now, you leave my ass outta this!

  • Henry: [lites two cigarettes in his mouth and puts one in Ed's mouth,who is sleeping with his mouth open] Rise and shine, faggot! Wharton, motherfucker, Wharton! Whoop-whoop, Wharton!

    Ed: [coughing from the cigarette] You're gonna be the first dealer on your block with an MBA.

    Henry: Yeah, fuck all that, man. I'm getting out of pharmaceuticals. Human cloning is about to explode, dude. Keep everything offshore, do your marketing on the Internet.

    Ed: Promise me you won't clone yourself.

    Henry: You know, when you get out of Stanford, man, I could use you on my team. What do you say? Feel like been a rich son of a bitch?

    Ed: Is that really the best we can do?

    Henry: What? Get rich?

    Ed: Yeah.

    Henry: We could do worse.

  • Henry: Welcome to the Turd World brother!

  • Henry: [in a fake preaching voice] Imagine a land, if you will, where a man can be a man. A land where he can indulge in all those animal urges, far from the petty judgments of parents and teachers and less-enlightened peers. A land where he can ride the demon!

    Phil: Yeah!

    Henry: Behave bad!

    Phil: Bad!

    Henry: Whatever he goddamn well pleases,and no one gives a shit, including the cops.

    Phil: Tell it, Brother Henry!

    Henry: I'm talking real freedom, my friend!

    Phil: Real freedom!

    Henry: Not this overregulated bullshit that passes for liberty in our country.

    Phil: Hell, no!

    Phil: !Vamonos a la frontera!

    [Let's go to the border!]

    Phil: Arriba Mexico!

    Henry: We leave right now, we hit Manzanita right about the time the strip joints open.

    Phil: I'm gonna get laid.

    Henry: You're kidding? I finally convinced our upstanding minister's son to get his cherry popped.

    Phil: Pop!

    Ed: Let's pray he doesn't contract an STD.

    Henry: Worrywart.

    Ed: [opens his wallet and hands Phil some condoms] Fellas, say hello to the senoritas for me.

    Henry: Come on. man. You're not gonna hang around here. All right? All the poonsies are hooked up or singing "Kumbaya" with the art fags.

    Ed: Any other time. I'm there, all right? I just have a lot on my mind.

    Henry: You want a Zoloft, man? I think I got one.

    Ed: I just wanna chill.

    Henry: Chill when you're dead, man. As your "personal physician", I insist you put that big brain of yours to rest and go a little nuts, okay, for once.

  • Henry: The only fish I wanna see is on a plate with a piece of lemon.

  • Henry: Big tough lads.

    Frank Fletcher: From the local rugby club.

    Henry: Yeah, well they'll be short on Saturday.

  • Henry: What's that?

    Kai: Accelerant.

    Henry: Makes the fire burn quicker?

    Kai: Five-million times quicker.

  • Henry: I got real close to killing myself.

    Louisa: Really?

    Henry: I was in a motel room with a pistol at my head and my finger on the trigger.

    Louisa: Why were you gonna do it?

    Henry: I kept thinking about Becky.

    Louisa: Was Becky your wife?

    Henry: No. She was murdered. Her and her brother, Otis. Becky's body was found chopped up in a suitcase. They never caught the guy who did it. No evidence. No clues.

    Louisa: Are the police still looking for the killer?

    Henry: I don't think so.

    Louisa: That's evil.

    [pause]

    Louisa: Why didn't you do it? Why didn't you kill yourself?

    Henry: Why should I? There's plenty of people out there who hate me. I can't let them win.

  • Henry: [to Kai after he refuses to smother a woman with a pillow] You woman. You cowardly little girl. Mr. Big-Bad Arsonist.

  • Kai: I can't believe I did that last night.

    Henry: You did it, alright. Next time, it'll be even easier.

  • Henry: [referring to hitchhiker] Well, she ain't your type.

    Ottis: But she sure is yours. I'll let you have her first.

    Henry: Naw, I ain't too good with girls.

    Ottis: She ain't a girl. She's just juicy white meat.

  • Beaver: What's it called when you got a constant woody and it won't go down?

    Henry: You mean priapism?

    Beaver: See, I'm practically priasmic

  • Kat: Babe, are you sure it's a bee?

    Adam: Oh, yeah. We gotta get this stinger out.

    Mia Hall: No, we're not doing that!

    Adam: Trust me, this is the only thing I learned in Boy Scouts.

    [gently sucks on her hand]

    Adam: Got it.

    [family applause]

    Kat: Wow.

    Willow: Way hotter than tweezers.

    Henry: Stand down, woman, you're already knocked up.

    Adam: You know, you should get stung more often. I'm sorry to sat that's the furthest we've gotten since our first date.

  • Henry: Honey, have you seen my brown loafers?

    Penny: Yeah.

    Henry: Great. Where are they?

    Penny: Oh, I threw them away.

    Henry: You... okay, why?

    Penny: Because they're brown loafers.

  • Henry: I love you but you're kinda crazy, you know that?

    Penny: [laughs] I'm not the one wearing purple sneakers.

  • The Girl: Mornin perv!

    Henry: I told you I'm not a pervert.

    The Girl: Just 'cause you shaved your 'stache, doesn't mean you can fool me.

  • Cornelius 'Dumbass' Thibadeaux: It's garbage.

    Henry: No, it's a raft.

  • Henry: You'll be alone out there. Doesn't that scare you?

    The Girl: I've been alone most of my life. Does being alone scare you?

    The Girl: Yeah. Yeah, it does.

  • [Henry ate a lot of pot and fell on the floor]

    Henry: The floor attacked me.

  • [Susan walks alone with Henry in the woods to talk about Richard]

    Susan: Henry?

    Henry: Yes, Mom?

    Susan: You have to tell me the truth now. What happened the night Richard died?

    Henry: Don't you know?

    Susan: I'd like to hear it from you.

    Henry: I was downstairs playing.

    Susan: [Susan gets down in front of Henry's face] Henry, don't lie to me, alright? Just don't lie to me. Now you tell me... Did you kill Richard?

    Henry: What if I did?

    Susan: Well, um...

    Henry: What, Mom?

    Susan: We'll get you help.

    Henry: You don't look too good, Mom. Looks like you need the help.

    Susan: You have to trust me, Henry.

    Henry: No. No, I can't. You just want to send me away, don't you?

    Susan: Why, no. No, I don't.

    Henry: You wanna put me in one of those places.

    Susan: No, Henry.

    Henry: Well, I'd much rather die, you hear me? I'd much rather be dead!

    Susan: Henry! Henry, No.

    [Susan runs after Henry into the woods]

    Susan: Henry? Henry!

    Susan: [Susan runs to the cliff of the hill where Henry might've jumped off] Henry! Henry! Henry!

    Henry: [Henry comes walking up behind Susan] Looking for me, Mom?

    Susan: Oh, Henry

    Henry: You really thought I was going to jump, huh? I guess you don't know me very well, Mom.

    [Henry runs to take a dash into Susan]

  • [Mark heads towards Uncle Wallace's work study to tell him that Henry caused the freeway accident]

    Henry: [Henry comes up behind Mark outside of his father's work study] Go ahead, tell him. Or better yet, why don't we tell him together?

    [Henry quotes himself sounding like an innocent child]

    Henry: It was Mark, Dad. He talked me into it. We were just playing a game. I had no idea he was gonna do something like that. Please, Dad, go easy on him. It's not his fault he's all screwed up 'cause he misses his Mom. What are we waiting for? Let's go.

    [Henry opens the door with them two outside the room]

    Henry: Dad, Mark has something to tell ya!

    Wallace Evans: [Mark runs off to go upstairs] What is it? What's wrong with Mark?

    Henry: I don't know. He's been acting pretty weird. I'd better go see if he's okay.

    [the camera cuts to Henry entering the upstairs bedroom where Mark is]

    Henry: I told my Dad I'd see if you're okay. Well, are you okay, Mark?

    Mark: Leave me alone.

    Henry: Leave you alone? This is my room.

    Connie Evans: [Connie runs into Henry's room] Guess what? Mom says we can go skating tomorrow.

    Henry: Connie, what did I tell you about coming into my room?

    Connie Evans: But you guys weren't working or anything.

    Henry: You didn't answer my question, so I'm gonna have to do it for you.

    Connie Evans: [Henry pulls on Connie's ears making her cry] Ow!

    Henry: You're not allowed to come into my room. Not now, not ever! Never!

    Mark: [Mark grabs and slams Henry into the wall by his shoulders] You're wrong about that! This is my room too. And I say she can stay.

    Connie Evans: [both boys start to grab and pull on each other's hair as Connie runs out, still up against the wall] Mom, Mom, they're fighting!

    Henry: [continuing to pull each other's hair] You like my sister, don't you? Such a sweet little girl. Too bad if something were to happen to her, if she got hurt. You'd be sad, wouldn't you, Mark? But, hey, accidents will happen. Just ask my mom about Richard.

    Susan: [Susan arrives upstairs when the boys let go of each other] Boys, boys! Henry! What's going on?

    Henry: I'm sorry, Mom. We were playing this really dumb game. We weren't fighting. We were just playing. Weren't we, Mark?

    Mark: [pauses before answering] Yeah, playing.

    Susan: Well, all right, but just not so rough, okay? You two looked like you were trying to kill each other.

    [Susan walks out of the room as Henry just stares back at Mark]

  • [Henry finds Mark in the treehouse when he opens up about seeing his family counselor]

    Henry: You sure missed an interesting session. I like therapy.

    Mark: What did you tell her?

    Henry: Sorry, that's strictly confidential. But you'd better stop telling lies about me, because no one's going to believe you.

    Mark: Sooner or later they're going to find out about you.

    Henry: Who's they? My dad? My mom?

    Mark: I told your mom.

    Henry: Why would she believe you? She's my mom, not yours.

    Mark: You know, you're wrong about that. She is my mother.

    Henry: Your mom? You crazy? Your mom's maggot food.

    Mark: My mom said she'd always be with me. She chose your mom as a way of coming back, but I guess it would be hard for you to understand that. But it's true. She's my mother now.

    [Mark starts to head down out of the treehouse]

    Henry: Hey, Mark.

    [Mark pauses on the rope]

    Henry: Don't fuck with me.

    [Mark continues to slide down the rope of the treehouse as Henry watches him]

  • [Henry takes Mark to the Well in the cemetery]

    Mark: [Mark looks down into the Well as Henry pulls out a wooden box from his pocket] Hey, cool. What you got in the box?

    Henry: [Henry pulls out a lighter and cigarette, lighting it to hand over to Mark] Go on.

    Mark: They give you cancer.

    Henry: Who cares? You're gonna die anyways.

    [Mark takes a smoke and uncontrollably coughs]

    Henry: [the two kids stand up and walk around the rim of the Well]

    Henry: Did you see your mom after she was dead?

    Mark: I wanted to, but they wouldn't let me.

    Henry: You should've made them let you. It's very important. See, people don't like to talk about death. So that's why you have to investigate. It's scientific.

    Mark: It doesn't feel like that.

    Henry: What did your mom look like the last time you saw her?

    Mark: Kinda pale.

    Henry: Kinda pale. I took a real good look when my kid brother Richie drowned in the bathtub.

    Mark: Your brother drowned?

    Henry: He was completely blue. You should've looked at her eyes and lips. And touched her skin to see what it felt like - Hot, cold.

    Mark: Shut up about my mom.

    Henry: Hey, don't get mad. I'm just trying to be scientific.

    Mark: Just shut up or I'll hit you.

    Henry: Try it...

    [Henry throws his cigarette down into the silent Well]

    Henry: ... and I'll throw you down there.

    Mark: Oh, yeah?

    [the two kids stare at each other before Henry apologizes]

  • [Mark finds Henry looking at the mirror in his bedroom with tears down his eyes]

    Henry: Mark, did you cry at your Mom's funeral.

    Mark: Why?

    Henry: I don't know. I figured you're expected to cry at your Mom's funeral, but I don't know.

    Mark: You wouldn't.

    Henry: Wouldn't what?

    Mark: Hurt her.

    Henry: Do you really think I'd hurt my own... Oh, wait.

    Mark: What?

    Henry: I just remembered. She's not my mom anymore, she's yours. Isn't that what you said? She's your mother now.

    Mark: Yeah.

    Henry: Your Mom, my Mom... What the hell? We'll both miss her.

    Mark: I'll kill you first.

    Henry: Poor, Mark. So violent, so disturbed. If you don't watch out, they're gonna lock you up.

    Mark: [Mark dashes for a pair of scissors and holds them to Henry's neck] I could kill you now.

    Henry: Go ahead. Jam it in. Gotta push pretty hard though. The blood'll go right across the room. Come on. Come on.

    Wallace Evans: Henry, have you seen...

    Henry: Dad, Dad! Help me!

    Wallace Evans: [Uncle Wallace pulls Mark off of Henry and looks at him face-to-face] Mark! What the hell do you think you were doing? Answer me, goddamn it!

    Henry: Don't be mad at Mark, he's just not himself.

    Wallace Evans: This is serious, Mark. You could have hurt him.

    Mark: He's the one who wants to hurt people!

    Henry: Mark, I'm sorry you don't want to be friends.

    [Uncle Wallace takes Mark downstairs by the arm]

  • [Mark and Henry run up to Henry's ladder and very high treehouse]

    Henry: Afraid of heights?

    Mark: No.

    Henry: Good. See you at the top. You coming?

    Mark: Sure.

    [the two begin to climb the ladder to the very top]

    Henry: Come on, it's easy.

    Mark: Help me up.

    [Mark struggles and the branch for his footing breaks, Mark dangles high up barely able to hold onto Henry's hand]

    Henry: [Henry asks Mark very directly] If I let you go, do you think that you can fly?

    Mark: [Mark murmurs out very scared] Help.

    [Henry finally helps Mark all the way into the treehouse as the two kids laugh]

  • [Henry's parents leave as the kids begin a game of Hide-And-Seek]

    Connie Evans: Mark! Mark! Guess what we're gonna play. Hide-And-Seek and I'm hiding first.

    Mark: No, Connie, wait! I've got a better idea!

    [Mark goes running after Connie upstairs]

    Henry: [Henry from upstairs] I bet I find her first.

    [as the parents drive away Henry turns off the breakers to the entire house]

    Mark: [Mark looks all over the house for Connie in the dark] Connie, where are you? Connie? Connie!

    Mark: [Mark screams when he finds Henry, who startles Mark by shining a flashlight into his face] Hey, no fair!

    Henry: No fair? What do you think this is, a game?

    [Henry clicks the flashlight off]

  • [Mark talks to Henry about how he used him for the overpass accident]

    Mark: Do you know what you did?

    Henry: Hey, come on. We did it together.

    Mark: You could have killed people.

    Henry: With your help.

    Mark: Hey, I didn't know you were going to do that.

    Henry: I feel sorry for you, Mark. You just don't know how to have fun.

    Mark: What?

    Henry: It's because you're scared all the time. I know. I used to be scared too. But that was before I found out.

    Mark: Found out what?

    Henry: That once you realize that you can do anything, you're free. You could fly. Nobody can touch you. Nobody. Mark... don't be afraid to fly.

    Mark: You're sick.

    Henry: Hey, I promised you something amazing, something you'll never forget. Where's the gratitude?

    [Mark stares at the empty look in Henry's face]

  • [Mark talks to Connie while building a puzzle together]

    Mark: Okay, all right, you got a piece. Now... it's got blue on it.

    Connie Evans: So it has to be the sky.

    Mark: Right, and it's got a straight edge.

    Connie Evans: So it has to go here.

    [points for the puzzle piece to fit in]

    Mark: Hey, you got it. All right!

    Connie Evans: Mark.

    Mark: Yeah?

    Connie Evans: Do you like living in our house?

    Mark: Sure.

    Connie Evans: We're gonna look after you real good, so you won't be sad.

    [the two smile at each other when Henry walks into the room]

    Henry: Mark, 0900 hours. Let's move out!

    Henry: [Connie stands up when Henry pushes her out of the way] Not you.

    Connie Evans: Why not? He's my friend, too.

    Mark: [Henry drags Mark by the arm as the two run outside] I'll play with you later!

    Connie Evans: I don't care about your stupid secrets! I got my own secrets! And I'm not gonna tell you a single one!

    [the two boys continue to run off]

  • [Mark wakes up late at night only to find the kitchen fridge door open]

    Henry: [Henry appears behind Mark] Looking for a midnight snack? Go ahead. Eat, drink. Don't let me stop you.

    Mark: What did you do?

    Henry: Do? Me? Oh, I get it. You think I put something in my family's food. You think I - Mark, come on. Do you really think I'd do a thing like that?

    Henry: [Henry wakes up his parents] Mom, Dad, it's Mark! Better come quick!

    [Mark stands over the kitchen sick dumping and stabbing food into the garbage disposal]

    Susan: No, Mark, stop. Honey, stop, stop.

    Mark: No, please, you don't understand.

    Susan: I know it's a hard time...

    Mark: [shouts out] He's trying to poison you!

    Susan: Oh, Mark.

    Mark: No!

    [Uncle Wallace and Henry stand outside of the kitchen watching Mark look crazy]

  • [Mark reads Connie a bedtime story to fall asleep]

    Mark: [Mark reading the last lines of the bedtime story] Good night, little girls! Thank the Lord you are well! And now go to sleep! Said Miss Clavel. She turned out the lights - And closed the door - And that's all there is - And nothing more.

    Henry: [Mark turns out the light and tucks Connie into bed, when he begins to walk out of the bedroom and see's Henry standing outside Connie's door] That was a darling story, Mark.

    Mark: [Henry tries to walk pass Mark] What are you doing?

    Henry: I wanna tuck in my kid sister.

    Henry: [Henry forces his way pass Mark as the two stare down at Connie asleep] Such a sweet little thing. Do you really think I'd hurt her?

    Mark: Yes.

    Henry: What are you going to do? Watch her all night?

  • [Henry and Mark take the bolt-shooting gun out again]

    Henry: Status?

    Mark: System armed and ready. Um... try to hit that sign.

    Henry: Negative.

    Mark: Try to hit that light.

    Henry: Negative.

    [Henry see's the rabid-looking dog from before running along the bridge over the water]

    Henry: Targeting.

    Mark: What are you doing? What are you doing!

    [Henry pauses, pulling the trigger, hearing the dog cry in the distance]

    Mark: Oh my God!

    Henry: [the two kids stare off into the distance quietly] I was only trying to scare him.

    [the camera cuts to the boys carrying the dead dog to the cemetery, where they throw the dog down into the silent Well]

    Henry: [Henry begins humming Taps as the two kids stare down into the Well, Mark walks off] Hey, Mark, where's your sense of humor?

    [Henry continues humming]

  • [Henry takes Mark into his shed]

    Mark: So what do you wanna show me?

    Henry: I want you to meet somebody, somebody very special.

    Mark: Who is he?

    Henry: [Henry turns around the chair] Mr. Highway.

    Mark: Wow. What are you going to do with him?

    Henry: That depends.

    Mark: On what?

    Henry: On you - Whether or not you'll help me.

    Mark: Help you?

    Henry: I promise you something amazing, something you'll never forget. Are you in?

    [Mark helps Henry with the fake life-size dummy Mr. Highway, carrying Mr. Highway across hills and roads, surrounded with the snow-covered woods]

    Mark: Where are we going?

    Henry: We're here.

    [the two arrive to a freeway overpass]

    Henry: Here - Help me rest him up here.

    Mark: Okay.

    [the kids set Mr. Highway on the edge of the overpass, overlooking a long line of cars driving on the freeway]

    Henry: [Henry talks to Mr. Highway] Come on, Mr. Highway. Take a look.

    [pause]

    Henry: Poor Mr. Highway. He's thinking about the end. He's had enough of this terrible life.

    Mark: What?

    Henry: Say goodbye!

    [Henry pushes Mr. Highway off the ramp]

    Mark: [screaming] No!

    [Henry stares down at the massive car pileup that results before the two kids run off]

  • [Mark meets Henry for the first time]

    [everybody hears a scream and see's Henry hanging his head over from the top floor balcony, wearing some kind of homemade mask]

    Wallace Evans: Henry, come on down here.

    [Henry runs down the steps]

    Wallace Evans: Hospitality, Henry.

    [Henry then raises up his mask to Mark, handing him a homemade mask]

    Henry: Here, I made two of 'em. So we could be brothers.

    [Henry and Mark then wear both masks over their face and stare at one another]

  • [Henry and Mark take a walk along a bridge over the water when they notice a rabid-looking dog running full speed at them from behind]

    Henry: Nice knowin' ya!

    [Mark screams uncontrollably and falls down but continues to get up and run]

    Henry: Come on!

    [Henry and Mark both make it to the gate and lock the dog over the bridge, when Henry chooses to get in the dog's face and begins to bark back]

    Mark: Henry, come on! Let's go.

    Henry: [the two walk on] I love that dog.

  • [Henry introduces Mark to his invention in the shed, a bolt-shooting gun]

    Mark: Awesome! What does it do?

    [the scene cuts to Henry and Mark trying out the gun in the woods]

    Henry: It took me three months to make it. Beautiful, huh?

    Mark: Yeah.

    Henry: You pull the cable back to here then you load over there. Grab a bolt. Go ahead - Lock and load.

    [Mark loads up a rusty old bolt]

    Henry: Now we... line up kitty cat.

    Mark: Don't hit her! Just give her a scare.

    Henry: Sure.

    [Henry focuses by taking a deep breath before shooting the bolt, missing the cat only by inches as the bolt gets stuck in the tree]

    Mark: What a great shot!

    Henry: Yeah, but the sight's not right yet.

    [as Henry stares into the distance of where the cat ran off to]

  • [Susan talks to Henry alone in his shed]

    Susan: Henry, if something were wrong... You would tell me, wouldn't you?

    Henry: What do you mean?

    Susan: I mean, sometimes when we're kids, we do things that, um...

    Henry: What kind of things?

    Susan: Things we feel bad about.

    Henry: I don't feel bad about anything.

    Susan: [Susan holds up Richard's rubber duck] Look what I found.

    Henry: [Henry whispers] Where did you get that?

    Susan: You know where I got it. I couldn't find it after Richard's accident. Have you had it all this time?

    Henry: [Henry whispers] It was mine before it was his.

    Susan: But you knew I was looking for it. How did you get it? Henry? How did you get this?

    Henry: I took it. I'm sorry, Mom. I took it because I wanted something to remember Richard by, that's all. So can I have it back, please?

    Susan: No, you can't have it back.

    Henry: But it's mine.

    Susan: Henry!

    Susan: [Henry dashes forward to pull the rubber duck away from her] Give it to me!

    Susan: [Henry repeatedly grunts and tries pulling it away from her] Henry! Henry?

  • Henry: I don't think losing my father broke my mother's heart, but rather losing love itself.

  • Mandy: You know, drinking from aluminum gives you Alzheimers.

    Henry: Is that true?

    Mandy: Uh huh. It's the perfect crime, 'cause you can't remember how you got it.

  • Gerald: How about pal? Lacrosse? Soccer, maybe? Probably not football 'til you get a little meat on those bones, huh?

    Henry: Actually, I was thinking about signup up for the modern dance group.

    Gerald: Well, I'm not sure that would be such a good move.

    Marjorie: I know how your mother feels about dancing, but... people might get the wrong idea.

    Gerald: They might think that you're...

    Richard: They might think that you're gay.

    Marjorie: Richie!

    Henry: Or they might think that I like girls in tights.

  • Rudy, Lawyer: [Meeting Bruce and Henry after Henry's recovery] Hi, Henry! I'm Rudy!

    [Leans close to Henry's face]

    Rudy, Lawyer: Rooooo-deeee!

    [Leaves]

    Henry: What's wrong with him?

    Bruce, Henry's Partner: He's an asshole.

    Henry: Oh.

  • Bradley: Hey, Hank what are you doin?

    Henry: Paintin', crackers

    Bradley: I know, but you're not packed, why aren't you packed?

    Henry: Cause I'm not goin'

    Bradley: Remember when we talked about this last week? Your family coming to come take you home?

    Henry: Yeah, but I changed my mind, I'm gonna stay

    Bradley: Your family is coming to pick you up, you're going home.

    Henry: But, I live here.

    Bradley: No, man this is a pit stop. I hear you got a beautiful place man and your family is gonna be there.

    Henry: But you're not gonna be there.

    Bradley: No, I gotta hang here.

    Henry: But I don't know them.

    Bradley: They'll be there for you, they're gonna take care of you.

    Henry: Well I don't want them to take care of me Bradley! I don't! No!

    Bradley: Hank, come on man

    Henry: Leave me alone, Bradley

    Bradley: Hank you're gonna be just fine, ok?

    Henry: I just can't remember.

  • [Henry flicks a wad of paper at Rachel in the library]

    Rachel: [whispers] Dad, stop it!

    [He flicks another wad of paper at her]

    Rachel: [whispers sternly] Dad, I'm serious!

    Henry: I know. Very.

  • Jessica, Henry's Secretary: What's wrong, Mr. Turner?

    Henry: I had enough, so I said when.

    Jessica, Henry's Secretary: Good for you.

  • Bradley: That woman is hot.

    Henry: I know. You gotta get you some of that.

  • Bradley: My brother was married. One day he came home, found out she was cheating.

    Henry: Cheating?

    Bradley: Doin' the serious with another man.

    Henry: Oh, no.

    Bradley: Oh, yeah.

  • [comforting his daughter on her first day of boarding school]

    Henry: One of the things I do remember is my first day at school. There were all these weird-looking kids and I didn't know any of them and they didn't know me. I was scared, but after two days, we were all laughing about how scared we were. Everybody feels like you do, honey. Everybody.

    [emboldened, Henry's daughter goes off with the rest of her class]

    Sarah Turner: That's sweet, I didn't know you remembered that.

    Henry: I don't.

  • Henry: I can read! I can read! Ajax! This is Ajax!

  • Henry: I remember grey carpet. I wanna go home.

  • Henry: That table in my dining room is not the table I ordered. That table looks like a... Goddamn turtle. I demand the table I ordered within the next few days.

  • Henry: You see that man over there? That lady over there. He used to be her husband. Who's she kidding? The damage has already been done.

    [Everyone laughs at Henry's joke]

  • Henry: You see that man over there? That lady over there. He used to be her husband. Who's she kidding? The damage has already been done.

    [Sarah and the old man laugh]

  • Henry: I know a good blowfish restaurant

  • Henry: No thanks, I don't like eggs.

    Rosella: What?

    Rachel: Eggs are your favourite!

    Henry: Okay, then give me lots of eggs.

  • Bradley: Hey Hank, whatcha doin'?

    Henry: Paintin'. Crackers.

  • Henry: There's nothing more real than a mirage.

  • Henry: [Giving Selima to John] She will be living with you.

    John Truscott: As what?

    Henry: She performs wifely duties.

    John Truscott: What like sewing?

    Henry: [pause and snicker] She performs wifely duties in the bedroom.

    Selima: I sleep with you.

  • Henry: You know?

    Selima: I guess eventually.

    Henry: It seems I only get to say goodbye.

  • Aggie: Do you care nothing for your daughter?

    Henry: I care a great deal for them both.

    Aggie: Cecil tell him!

    Cecil: [to her mother] I don't want to hurt John... or my sister.

  • Henry: Iban society is based on heavy drinking, violent sport and practical jokes. Just think of it as English public school, without the buggery.

  • The Demolisher: I have a girlfriend. I know aaaaaall about girl problems.

    Henry: Okay, no. You donot have a girlfriend kid. What're you like? 10?

    The Demolisher: I'm 8.

    Henry: I'm losing to an 8 year old.

    The Demolisher: Humbling, isn't it?

  • Henry: Actions don't follow too far from what's in the heart.

  • The Demolisher: I win.

    Henry: Let's go again.

    The Demolisher: But I'm tired.

    Henry: You're 8. What are you tired from?

    The Demolisher: Beating you.

  • Henry: Susan wants to tell you something!

    Buzz Collins: Well, I'm listening!

    [Susan dances]

    Older Man: What's she saying?

    Henry: She says you've got to wait for Woody! He's bringing the money!

    Buzz Collins: I didn't hear her say anything!

    Woman: Naturally. She was born silent.

    Husband: One of the few women ever was.

    Henry: Sure, Mister! She don't do talk-talk, she does foot-talk!

    Buzz Collins: 'Foot-talk?' That's ridiculous! What's she saying now?

  • Sharon McLonergan: Do you mean to say you're taking this land from these people merely because their skins are black?

    Henry: Don't let them chase us, Sharon!

    Senator Billboard Rawkins: Will somebody shut this kid up? He's making me look like a bully. Get them out of here, Sheriff.

    Sheriff: You heard the Senator, you folks better start packing!

    Boy: Is Henry the wrong color?

    Sharon McLonergan: No, he's the right color.

    [she runs after Senator Rawkins]

    Sharon McLonergan: But there's something wrong with the world! I wish...

    Finian McLonergan: Sharon, don't...

    Sharon McLonergan: There's something wrong with the world that him and his kind have made for people like Henry! I wish you could know what that world is like! I wish to God you were black!

    [wind, thunder]

    Senator Billboard Rawkins: Well, I'm a son of a biscuit...

  • Henry: I told you I was sick. 72 is normal. When your pulse gets to 125 you die.

    Nora: Whatcha waitin' for?

  • Henry: I'm very, very nervous about the whole thing. She wants to climb that flagpole and put up this aerial.

    Marie: And she wants us to help?

    Henry: Yes, and I really think she ought to have a net under her.

    Nora: She ought to have a net *over* her if you ask me.

  • Henry: Look at her, Foster, isn't she amazing?

    Foster: Yea, I mean if you consider tight sweaters and wet lips amazing...she's pretty amazing.

  • Henry: Hi, I'm Henry Spooner, and uh, you've ignored me for about ten years but, um...I'm president of the chess club!

  • Jerry: So, ready to join the team?

    Henry: No thanks, I'm not that athletic.

  • Henry: Thank you, birds.

  • mother: [first lines - family riding in car] We don't have to rush. We can relax... be fresh tomorrow.

    Daniel Bennett: That's fine with me, I just don't want Henry to...

    Henry: It's cool if we leave tomorrow.

    Daniel Bennett: Nah, I don't want to take any chances with the tryouts.

    Henry: The coach said he'd make time for me if I was late.

    Daniel Bennett: No, no. You're too good for a makeup day. Don't wanna risk it.

    mother: Hey, drive now, talk later. Or drive and talk now, eyes on the road. Talk about all that non-school stuff next weekend when Henry comes to see us.

    Daniel Bennett: *If* he'll be coming to visit us anytime soon.

    mother: He'll be coming to visit, or I'll come to visit him.

    Daniel Bennett: I *do* love an in-state school.

  • [first lines]

    Halloween Commercial Man: During the spookiest time of the year there are a few guidelines all ghosts and goblins should follow. Always stay on sidewalks. Never go to a strangers house, and never go out alone.

    [the B&W commercial cuts]

    Emma: [Sarcastically] This was a great idea, honey. Really. It's just magical. It makes me wish every night was Halloween.

    Henry: I'm sorry Em. Wait, wait. Not yet.

    Emma: What?

    Henry: You're supposed to keep it lit.

    Emma: Why?

    Henry: Ancient tradition?

    Emma: Henry, it's Halloween, not Hanukkah. Baby, I'm lit and you're lit.

    Henry: But honey...

    Emma: But our little friend here? His night's over.

    [Em blows out the jack-o'-lantern]

    Henry: You know, there are rules, you should be more careful. You might upset someone.

    Emma: Oh, please. Who?

    [Sam watches from across the street]

  • Phil: [to the crew] Good first day, guys.

    Henry: Yeah. If it keeps up like this, we'll all be dead by Monday.

    [Phil slaps Hank in the back of the head as he walks by]

  • Jeff: What's your point?

    Henry: Just have an exit plan, dude. You stick with this job too long, it'll mess you up, man. It gets inside of you - the stress.

  • Henry: Madness is just overactive curiosity.

  • Henry: [motioning to Jeff's blaring stereo] Mikey didn't tell you about these?

    Jeff: What?

    Henry: Rule one: Music creates sonic vibrations. Vibrations jiggle spooj dust into the air. It gets into the air, it gets into your lungs. This music you plannin' on listening to?

    Jeff: Yeah...

    Henry: Yeah, you tryin' to kill us all? Either turn it off or put on something else. Like Yanni, or John Tesh or something.

    [leaves]

    Jeff: Who's Yanni?

  • Henry: What are you... doing... here?

  • Henry: I've never seen ol' Gordo lose it man, but... but lately I've been startin' to see some cracks.

  • Jeff: Hello...? You're in deep trouble, you know that?

    Henry: [Slowly and drawn-out] What are you... doing in here?

    Jeff: [looking confused] Me? Everyone thinks you're in Miami in that Casino School! My Uncle Gordo and Phil want your head!... Did you score on a scratch?

    Henry: ...What are you... doing in here?

    [Henry is wearing sunglasses and as he reaches up towards the window, his fingers leave a streak of old blood on the glass]

    Jeff: [Jeff's eyes go wide and he looks terrified] ... I... I forgot something, I'll be back!

    [He takes off down the stairs to find his co-workers]

  • Henry: This the new guy?

    Phil: They call it "Jeff"... he's Gordon's nephew.

  • Henry: So, the loonies are out in the real world, and here we are with the keys to the loony bin, boys!

  • Henry: Gordon, you've finally landed us the perfect gig! Next time someone says what we do is crazy, just tell 'em, "hey - we work in an insane asylum!"

  • Henry: [Henry screams, thinking that somebody is chasing him through the tunnels of the asylum, but he shines his flashlight around only to find that it's a bunch of roosting pigeons] ... Hehheh... fuckin' birds...

  • Henry: Hey'a, Phil. Amy says hi.

    Phil: Keep it up, dickhead.

    Henry: Don't shoot the messenger, Phil. I'm just relaying information. She says to me this morning while we're laying in bed to say hi to you.

    [pats him on the arm]

    Phil: Keep it up.

    Henry: Yeah, I got it up. That's the problem, right?

  • Jenny: What is the truth, Henry, huh?

    Henry: Earth could use a good plague.

  • Henry: By the way where's your partner?

  • Henry: Oh, it was a nightmare of horror!

  • Henry: Do you want whiskey?

    Jason Monroe: No thank you, my little boy was just attacked by a damn grizzly bear.

    Henry: Is he alright?

    Jason Monroe: I'm not sure.

    Henry: Oh, I think I will go drink whiskey now.

  • Henry: A butcher's work is never done.

  • Henry: My sister worries about playing out here at night. She doesn't trust the woodsman. The big man with an axe is always out to get you, right?

    Angie Hart: Not always.

    Henry: That's what I tell her, but she's very cut and dry... Don't you think?

  • Henry: Nervous, aren't you? Don't worry, if you're legs are alright, you're alright.

    Laura Verity: What do my legs got to do with it?

    Henry: [looks over his glasses at her] You'd be surprised.

  • Henry: I need a line to New York.

    Carmen: Whatever they need.

    Henry: [on the phone calling New York Herald Tribune] Listen, George. Here's your damn war story. Twenty-six April, 1937. Gernika. Don't give a damn if you use my name or you have someone else sign it. But it's the story I want printed. Ready? A very small town in the north of Spain is about to become very famous, but for all the wrong reasons.

  • Henry: Why don't you become a fashion photographer? Or sports?

    Marta: I want my Capa.

    Henry: Robert Capa is overrated.

    Marta: Hemingway, too, isn't he? Everybody is overrated, but not you.

    Henry: I didn't say that.

    Marta: You've had your glory moments. Now leave room for us.

  • Marco: Hey, Henry.

    Henry: Marco. I wondered when you'd show up. Like a bad penny.

    Marco: Yes. I heard your car was bombed. But I thought it was you telling your usual stories, but now...

    Henry: And I heard that you've been secretly writing articles for the fascists.

    Marco: Yes

    Henry: It's dangerous when you cross the lines, Marco.

    Henry: You get yourself shot.

    Marco: If you write what they want, you never get shot.

  • Henry: [Making phone call to New York] George! How's New York? Where is my check?

    George: Henry, we have cheaper journalists, you know.

    Henry: Yeah, but none of them is named Henry Howell.

    George: They'll have names of their own if I give them a chance. Listen, child star Shirley Temple released a toy collection with her face. And all the papers opened with that. There's a war on, Henry...

    Henry: All right. Here's what we can do. I've got a hand-drawn battle map. Make a great illustration. But...

    Henry: Speaking of illustrations, how about a week in Paris, George? Picasso is preparing a new exhibition. Let's do Picasso. Together. He'll talk to me, you know.

    George: Nothing about Paris. Bergara. Do you remember that article? That's war. And WAR SELLS, Henry. I WANT WAR! I...

  • Henry: So, what's your life's story?

    Teresa: I wanted to be a writer. But when the war happened, the loyalists needed people who spoke languages, and knew how to deal with journalists.

    Henry: So you're dealing with me?

    Teresa: Well, in my way.

    Henry: And because you didn't become a writer, you deal in editing what other people write.

    Teresa: Well, circumstances delimit one's choices, don't they? To be honest, I'm like you. I don't fit in many places.

    Henry: You're a Communist?

    Teresa: Loyalist. I wish to see a democracy for Spain.

  • Teresa: [knock on the door] Come in.

    Carmen: Teresa? These are the new journalists. Marco Navas. He works for a Portuguese newspaper. And these two are the oneswith the car that broke down.

    Marta: No, it didn't break down. It was bombed.

    Carmen: Marta Vonier, photographer from Le Figaro. And Henry Howell, from the New York Herald Tribune. American.

    Teresa: I studied your writing at college. I... I think I've read it all. Short. Sharp. Very inspiring. Your style has evolved over time, hasn't it?

    Henry: Well, I'm still a growing boy.

    Teresa: I just read this article of yours about Bergara. You write of a battle at a castle where our soldiers were firing from the battlements. I think it was a pretty good piece. It's quite interesting because there are no castles in Bergara. Why? Why did you write it? Is it even about the truth anymore?

    Henry: Well, maybe I got the name of the town wrong. There's so many.

    Teresa: Don't play with us. For you, it's a story. But for us, it's life and death.

    Vasyl: Obey the rules, Mr. Howell. They're simple enough even for you.

    Henry: I'm sorry. You are?

  • Henry: Yes, siree! Hot diggity dog!

  • Henry: I'm really surprised you called me.

    Lena, the cashier: Well I had a really nice time with you at the party.

    Henry: I did too with you, it's just, I was really sorry about spilling that wine on your dress. I could have sworn that bottle was empty.

    Lena, the cashier: It was OK, I actually had a harder time getting the brie out.

    Henry: Yeah, I mean you gotta admit after a couple drinks those things look a lot like a sponge.

  • Henry: Talkin' about coffee, what's your opinion? Is it a social lubricant or a dangerous stimulant?

  • Henry: I think the problem is, most people think with their heads and not with their hearts.

  • Henry: Why? You don't care do you? Do you care?

    Samantha: Of course I care!

    Henry: You do?

    Samantha: Yes!

    Henry: How much do you care?

  • Henry: [tosses bottle after seeing the Colossal Man] Not another drop! Not another drop as long as I live!

  • [last lines]

    Henry: What do I do?

    Chris: You let go. Henry, have great faith. Fall majestically.

  • [first lines]

    Dr. Lieberman: The same?

    Henry: The same.

    Dr. Lieberman: Still happening every night?

    Henry: It's driving me crazy. It's like I... I can't shake it. It's stays with me all day, and I... Is that normal?

    Dr. Lieberman: Well, it's not uncommon for a person whose gone through an ordeal to have lingering nightmares.

    Henry: The same nightmare? Every night? For six months?

  • Charles Crocker: Henry!

    Henry: [Walking into the room] Yes, sir?

    Charles Crocker: Jeff Kincaid's in town!

    Henry: Yes, sir.

    Charles Crocker: Find him!

    Henry: Yes. Whe-where shall I look for him, sir?

    Charles Crocker: Well, you know him, don't yuh?

    Henry: Yes, sir.

    Charles Crocker: Then you know where to look.

    [He gives Henry a dismissive gesture]

    Henry: [Reluctantly going] Yes, sir.

  • Pike: Maybe your heathen friend got sick or somethin'.

    Henry: That wouldn't stop him riding.

    Pike: Killed then.

    Henry: He rides a god-damned horse like an eagle's wing! No ordinary man's gonna stop him.

  • Pike: I thought you traded regular with the Comanche.

    Henry: Yeah, and I walk in rattlesnake country, too. I'm just careful how I do it.

  • Henry: If you're interested in fighting, you might as well have stayed in the cavalry. Are you interested? I'm offering you my hand, not my fist!

  • Pike: Henry? Henry, answer me! Are you spooked or somethin'?

    Henry: I've been spooked ever since I left my mother's tit. That's what keeps me from dying.

  • Pike: Any sign of him?

    Henry: Not a fart in the wind.

Browse more character quotes from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017)

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Characters on Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017)