Helen North Quotes in Yours, Mine & Ours (2005)

Marisa North, Bina North: Mo-om!

Helen North: What?

Marisa North, Bina North: He's painting our roses again!

Dylan North: [after being tattled of spray painting the twins' roses] It's art.

Jimi North: You can't call it art unless you have talent.

Helen North: So... How many kids do you have?

Frank Beardsley: Uh... How many kids do you have?

Helen North: You first

Frank Beardsley: Okay, look. You're going to find out eventually because there's too many to hide in the closet. I have eight kids.

Helen North: [laughs] I have ten.

Frank Beardsley: You have ten?

Helen North: I have ten.

[laughs]

Helen North: Who wants the talking stick first?

Jimi North: May I have it, please?

Helen North: [handing him the stick] Yes, Jimi.

Jimi North: Are you crazy?

[the kids go riot and Helen takes the stick from Jimi]

Helen North: Okay. I have the talking stick. He's a lovely, lovely man and I'm sorry we didn't include you. And he has...

Helen North: We don't spank our children.

Michael Beardsley: The admiral does.

Frank Beardsley: Occasionally. A little pat on the butt sends a clear message.

Helen North: Well you're not spanking my children.

Frank Beardsley: I thought they were our children.

Helen North: You're not spanking our children.

Frank Beardsley: Okay, fine. Let's just let them all run naked and wild.

Kids: Yay!

Helen North: Homes are for free expression, not for good impression.

Frank Beardsley: So then I asked her to marry me.

Helen North: And I said "yes".

Frank's Kids: What?

Helen North: Oh, it was spontaneous and so romantic.

William Beardsley: You got married?

Christina Beardsley: Without telling us?

Frank Beardsley: Yeah, yeah.

William Beardsley: At least when you were re-assigned at Guam, there was an e-mail.

Aldo North: Mom, no!

Helen North: What, honey?

Aldo North: Remember the old you? Spanking is NEVER the answer!

Frank Beardsley: Helen?

Helen North: Frank?

Frank Beardsley: Helen?

Helen North: Frank Beardsley?

Frank Beardsley: What are you doing here?

Helen North: Well, I'm having dinner with my...

Max: Frank. I'm Maxwell Grant.

Frank Beardsley: Pleased to meet you.

[to Helen]

Frank Beardsley: So what are you doing out here? Sit down, sit down, sit down.

Helen North: Well, I've been back here forever. I didn't want my kids growing up in the whole money, status thing.

Frank Beardsley: Yeah, that thing.

Helen North: So are you in town for the reunion?

Frank Beardsley: No, I... Umm... I moved my family back here. And I'm running the Coast Guard Academy.

Helen North: Wow.

Frank Beardsley: I'm an admiral.

Helen North: Yeah.

Frank Beardsley: That's why I'm wearing the uniform.

Helen North: An admiral? Woah. With a family?

Frank Beardsley: You too. It's great, I mean.

Helen North: Yeah.

Max: We're ready.

Helen North: Okay. Well, it was great to see you again.

Frank Beardsley: See you.

Helen North: Okay, bye.

Max: [after Helen falls off the chair] Were you distracted by his good conduct, medal?

Helen North: Shut up, Max!

Helen North: Kids!

Frank Beardsley: Sounds like they're bonding.

Helen North: It doesn't sound like bonding to me Frank.

Frank Beardsley: Thats it I am putting the hammer down.

Aldo North: Is it a real hammer.

Frank Beardsley: No Aldo its just an expression

Aldo North: I'm scared

Helen North: O dont be honey

Ethan: Should I go get the hammer sir.

Colleen North: [Helen is about to have a baby] I know this is a terrible time to talk about it, but Larry says...

Frank Beardsley: I've got a message for Larry. You tell him this is what it's all about. This is the real happening. If you want to know what love really is, take a look around you.

Helen North: What are you two talking about?

Frank Beardsley: Take a good look at your mother.

Helen North: Not now!

Frank Beardsley: Yes, now.

[to Colleen]

Frank Beardsley: It's giving life that counts. Until you're ready for it, all the rest is just a big fraud. All the crazy haircuts in the world won't keep it turning. Life isn't a love in, it's the dishes and the orthodontist and the shoe repairman and... ground round instead of roast beef. And I'll tell you something else: it isn't going to a bed with a man that proves you're in love with him; it's getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful everyday world with him that counts.

[Leaving the house, they say good-bye to the little kids]

Frank Beardsley: I suppose having 19 kids is carrying it a bit too far, but if we had it to do over who would we skip... you?

Helen North: [getting into the car] Thank you, Frank. I never quite knew how to explain it to her.

Frank Beardsley: If we don't get you to the hospital fast, the rest of it's going to be explained right here!

Frank Beardsley: We've decided to use our company manners. Helen, the boys have something to say to you.

Greg Beardsley: Mrs. North, I apologize for putting all that gin in your drink.

Helen North: Ooh, *that's* what did it.

Rusty Beardsley: And I apologize for all that vodka.

Mike Beardsley: And I apologize for the scotch.

Helen North: Scotch, vodka, and - ?

Frank Beardsley: Helen, you've been the victim of an alcoholic Pearl Harbor. It's amazing you survived at all.

Sister Mary Alice: I got here as fast as I could, Sister Mary. What is it this time?

Sister Mary Alice: Why don't you ask Phillip?

Helen North: Phillip?

[Phillip turns around revealing a black eye]

Helen North: Darling! What happened?

Phillip North: Nothing.

Helen North: Who did that to you?

Phillip North: One of the kids.

[points at Sister Mary]

Phillip North: *She* started it. She says I'm not legal.

Helen North: What?

Phillip North: And Mike isn't my brother.

Helen North: Of course he's your brother.

Phillip North: Then my name's Phillip Beardsley.

Sister Mary Alice: Phillip North.

Phillip North: There she goes again.

Sister Mary Alice: Sister, couldn't you - couldn't you just call him Phillip Beardsley?

Sister Mary Alice: I'm sorry, but the school requires that we use their legal names.

Phillip North: Let's go to another school.

Helen North: Sister, I, uh, I understand your legal problem, but you must try to understand mine. You see, I'm trying to bring two families together, and this is the first sign that I may be succeeding. So I really would appreciate it if you'd let Phillip sign his name Beardsley.

Sister Mary Alice: But legally, it's North.

Sister Mary Alice: But it's more important that emotionally, it's Beardsley.

Sister Mary Alice: North.

Helen North: Beardsley.

Sister Mary Alice: North!

Helen North: Beardsley, Beardsley, Beardsley!

Phillip North: Watch out, Mom. You might get a black eye.

Frank Beardsley: I don't quite understand. Am I being stupid?

Helen North: No, you're being a man. Which is sometimes the same thing.

Mike Beardsley: [confronting Helen about her pregnancy] You knew about it Christmas Day, didn't you?

Helen North: Yes.

Mike Beardsley: And you still let Dad ship out. Why?

Helen North: He wanted so much to go. Two people can't live with an ocean between them for the rest of their lives.

Mike Beardsley: Do you really want this baby?

Helen North: Very much. You see, he won't have to worry whether he's a Beardsley or a North.

[Mike nods his head in understanding]

Helen North: [getting ready for her date with Frank] Good heavens! What did you do to this dress?

Colleen North: Oh, Mother, it was practically an antique!

Janette North: We just shortened it a little.

Helen North: A little? I look like a teeny-bopper!

Janette North: What's wrong with that?

Helen North: I can't go out like this!

Jean North: Why not? Your legs are better than mine.

Helen North: Frank, there's something I have to tell you before we go any further. I have eight children.

[sudden panic]

Helen North: Frank! We're on a cable car!

Frank Beardsley: Of course.

Helen North: I get sick on cable cars!

Frank Beardsley: Well wait'll you hear what I have to tell you. I have TEN children.

Helen North: Ten. TEN? Frank! Eight and ten is...

Frank Beardsley: Ridiculous.

Frank Beardsley: Is that all? Why didn't she tell me?

Helen North: Because you would have said, "Is that all?".

Helen North: That was a wonderful dinner, I enjoyed all *eight* courses.

Frank Beardsley: So did I.

Helen North: And speaking of children...

Frank Beardsley: We weren't speaking of children.

Helen North: We weren't? Oh thank goodness.

Helen North: Sister, I, uh, I understand your legal problem, but you must try to understand mine. You see, I'm trying to bring two families together, and this is the first sign that I may be succeeding. So I really would appreciate it if you'd let Phillip sign his name Beardsley.

Sister Mary Alice: But legally, it's North.

Helen North: But it's more important that emotionally, it's Beardsley.

Sister Mary Alice: North.

Helen North: Beardsley.

Sister Mary Alice: North.

Helen North: Beardsley! Beardsley! Beardsley!

Phillip North: Watch out, Mom. You might get a black eye.

Judge: There's been great fear expressed by many people that no woman can give this large number of children sufficient attention and affection to allow them to grow up in a healthy atmosphere. But in this courts investigation of your home, the reverse seems to be true. All the children seem to be happy, well-fed and normal the house amazingly clean and in good order. My wife has two children, one poodle and a full-time maid and can't seem to manage anything. What is your secret?

Helen North: Well sir, a great deal of love, a little discipline and a husband who doesn't criticize

Jean North: You mean he doesn't know about us?

Helen North: Well, of course he does, darling!

Jean North: All of us?

Colleen North: Oh, Mother, that's so romantic! You lied to him!

Helen North: I did not lie to him! I just didn't have the nerve to tell him the whole truth!

Colleen North: Mmm, I understand! No man wants a liaison with a woman with eight children!

Janette North: What's a liaison?

Colleen North: An affair.

Janette North: That's what I thought.

Jean North: Me too.

Helen North: [drunk] Boy, if this damn room would stop rolling around maybe I could find some place to be sick!

Helen North: Your blues and greens are wonderful, but your he's and she's got a little mixed up.

Frank Beardsley: This is the last time I'm going to bring it up but... you do like children, don't you?

Helen North: Yeah, within reason.

Frank Beardsley: In that case, the hell with it.

Helen North: Now that's just wonderful! And where was Veronica born?

Frank Beardsley: In Japan!

[Helen repeats]

Frank Beardsley: In Japan?

Frank Beardsley: I call her my little fortune cookie 'cause she came right after dinner!

Helen North: [Helen begins to laugh loudly] That's funny!

[ring bells in the kitchen]

Helen North: Where's the fire?

Rosemary Beardsley: Dinner is served!