Helen Quotes in The Incredibles (2004)

Edna: I didn't know the baby's powers so I covered the basics.

Helen: Jack-Jack doesn't have any powers.

Edna: No? Well, he'll look fabulous anyway.

Helen: [sobbing] Now I'm losing him! What'll I do? What'll I do?

Edna: What are you talking about?

Helen: [stops crying] Huh?

Edna: [shouts] You are Elastigirl! My God...

[swatting Helen with a newspaper]

Edna: Pull-yourself-together! "What will you do?" Is this a question? You will show him you remember that he is Mr. Incredible, and you will remind him who *you* are. Well, you know where he is. Go, confront the problem. Fight! Win!

[normal voice]

Edna: And call me when you get back, darling. I enjoy our visits.

Helen: Now it's perfectly normal...

Violet: [interrupting] Normal? What do *you* know about normal? What does *anyone* in *this* family know about normal?

Helen: Now wait a minute, young lady...

Violet: We act normal, mom! I want to *be* normal! The only normal one is Jack-Jack, and he's not even toilet trained!

[Jack-Jack blows a raspberry and bursts out laughing]

Dash: Lucky...

[Violet and Helen look askance at him]

Dash: Uh, I meant about being normal.

Helen: Dash... this is the third time this year you've been sent to the office. We need to find a better outlet. A more... constructive outlet.

Dash: Maybe I could, if you'd let me go out for sports.

Helen: Honey, you know why we can't do that.

Dash: But I promise I'll slow up. I'll only be the best by a tiny bit.

Helen: Dashiell Robert Parr, you are an incredibly competitive boy, and a bit of a show-off. The last thing you need is temptation.

Dash: You always say 'Do your best', but you don't really mean it. Why can't I do the best that I can do?

Helen: Right now, honey, the world just wants us to fit in, and to fit in, we gotta be like everyone else.

Dash: But Dad always said our powers were nothing to be ashamed of, our powers made us special.

Helen: Everyone's special, Dash.

Dash: [muttering] Which is another way of saying no one is.

Helen: E, it's great to see you, but I gotta tell you, I've got no idea what you're talking about.

Edna: Yes, words are useless! Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble! Too much of it, darling, too much! That is why I show you my work! That is why you are here!

[after seeing Jack-Jack's superhero outfit]

Helen: What on earth do you think the baby will be doing?

Edna: Well, I am sure I don't know, darling. Luck favors the prepared.

Principal: Thank you for coming in, Mrs. Parr.

Helen: What is this about? Has Dash done something wrong?

Bernie Kropp: He's a disruptive influence and he openly mocks me in front of the class.

Dash: He says.

Bernie Kropp: Look, I know it's you! He puts thumbtacks on my stool.

Helen: You saw him do this?

Bernie Kropp: Well, not really... No, actually not.

Helen: Oh. Then how do you know it was him?

Bernie Kropp: I hid a camera. And this time I got him.

[Plays tape]

Bernie Kropp: See? See? What, you don't see it?

[rewinds tape]

Bernie Kropp: He moves! Right there! Wait, wait... Right *there*! Right as I'm sitting down! I don't know, I don't know how he does it, but-but there's no tack on my stool before he moves, and after he moves, there's a tack! Coincidence? I think not!

Principal: Uh, Bernie...

Bernie Kropp: Don't "Bernie" me! This little rat is guilty!

Principal: You and your son can go now, Mrs. Parr.

Bernie Kropp: You're letting him go *again*? He's guilty! You can see it in his smug little face. Guilty, I say! Guilty! Guilty!

Helen: [on the phone] I'd like to speak to Edna, please.

Edna: This is Edna.

Helen: E? This is Helen.

Edna: Helen who?

Helen: Helen Parr. You know...

[sighs]

Helen: [whispers] Elastigirl.

Edna: [booming] DARLING! How are you, it's been such a long time...

Helen: [nearly dropping the phone] Yes, yes, it's been a while. Listen, there's only one person who Bob would trust to patch a super suit, and that's you, E.

Edna: Yes, yes, marvelous suit, darling, much better than those horrible pajamas he used to wear.

Helen: Huh?

Edna: They're all finished, when are you coming to see?

Helen: Look, I'm calling about...

Edna: Don't make me beg, darling, I won't do it, you know!

Helen: [trying to talk over Edna] Beg? Uh, no, I'm, I'm calling about a suit, about, about Bob's suit. I'm calling about Bob's suit!

Edna: You come in one hour darling, I insist, okay? Okay, bye-bye.

[Helen is left holding the phone, looking puzzled]

Helen: Tell me you haven't been listening to the police scanner again

Bob: Look, I performed a public service. You act like that's a bad thing.

Helen: It is a bad thing, Bob! Uprooting our family *again* so that you can relive the glory days is a very bad thing!

Bob: [Defensively] Reliving the glory days is better than pretending they never happened!

Helen: Yes! They happened, but this; our family, is what's happening now, Bob! And you're missing this! I can't believe you don't want to go to your own son's graduation!

Bob: It's not a graduation. He is moving from the fourth grade to the fifth grade.

Helen: It's a ceremony!

Bob: It's psychotic! People keep coming up with new ways to celebrate mediocrity, but if someone is genuinely exceptional...

Helen: This is not about you, Bob. This is about Dash.

Bob: You want to do something for Dash? Well, let him actually compete! Let him go out for sports!

Helen: I will not be made the enemy here! You *know* why we can't!

Bob: Because he'd be *GREAT*!

Helen: [Growing in size looming over Bob] This is not - about - YOU!

Bob: [Notices a disturbance] Alright, Dash. Come on out I know you're listening.

Helen: Vi, you too, young lady.

Bob: It's okay. Your mother and I were just having a discussion.

Violet: A pretty loud discussion.

Bob: Yeah, but that's okay. Because Mommy and I are always united. Against the... uh forces of...

Helen: Pig-headedness?

Bob: I was gonna say evil or something...

Helen: We're sorry we woke you. Everything's alright, get back to bed... in fact

[to Bob]

Helen: we should *all* be in bed.

Helen: Dash, do have something you want to tell your father about school?

Dash: [nervously] Oh, uh... Well, we dissected a frog...

Helen: Dash got sent to the office again.

Bob: [Not paying attention] Good, good.

Helen: No, Bob. That's bad.

Bob: What?

Helen: Dash got sent to the office again.

Bob: What? What for?

Dash: Nothing!

Helen: He put a tack on the teacher's chair. *During* class.

Dash: Nobody saw me. You could barely see it on the tape.

Bob: They caught you on tape and you still got away with it? Whoa! You must have been booking! How fast do you think you were going?

Helen: Bob, we are not encouraging this!

Edna: Men at Robert's age are often unstable... prone to weakness.

Helen: What are you saying?

Edna: Do you know where he is?

Helen: Of course...

Edna: Do you *know* where he is?

Helen: Have a great day, honey. Help customers, climb ladders...

Bob: Bring bacon.

Helen: All that jazz.

[Bob sneaks into the house late at night, but Helen has been waiting up for him]

Helen: I thought you'd be back by 11.

Bob: I said I'd be back later.

Helen: I assumed you'd be back later. If you came back at all, you'd be "back later".

Bob: Well I'm back, okay?

[Helen is feeding Jack-Jack and making baby noises at him]

Dash: Mom, you're making weird faces again.

Helen: [makes a weird face] Noo, I'm not...

Bob: [not looking up from the paper] You make weird faces, honey.

Helen: [on getting no response from the island's air tower, Helen reaches for her superhero costume, then pulls back] Easy, Helen, easy, easy girl. You're overreacting, everything's fine, they're just... all getting coffee! At the same time. Yeah.

Helen: I love you, but if we're going to make this work, you have to be more than Mr. Incredible. You know that, don't you?

Priest: ...so long as you both shall live?

Bob: I do.

Helen: I'm calling to celebrate a momentous occasion. We are now *officially* moved in.

Bob: That's great, honey. And the last three years don't count because...

Helen: Because I finally unpacked the last box. Now it's official! Ha ha ha! Why do we have so much junk?

Dash: She would be eating if we were having Tony loaf.

Violet: That's it!

[jumps at Dash]

Helen: Both of you sit down!

[Dash runs around the table, hitting Violet as he passes her, until Violet makes a force field to stop him]

Dash: Hey! No force fields!

Violet: You started it!

Helen: [grabs Dash and puts him on his seat] You sit down!

[grabs Violet and puts her in her seat]

Helen: You sit down! Violet!

[Dash and Violet run under the table to fight, dragging Helen against the table]

Bob: [reading newspaper in the other room] "Simon J. Paladino, longtime advocate of superhero rights, is missing"... Gazer Beam?...

Bob: Bob! It's time to engage! Do something! Don't just stand there, I need you to... intervene!

Bob: You want me to intervene?

[picks up table]

Bob: Okay, I'm intervening! I'm intervening!

Helen: You're late. When you asked me if I was doing anything later, I didn't realize you'd actually forgotten. I thought it was playful banter.

Bob: It *was* playful banter.

Helen: Cutting it kinda close, don't ya think?

Bob: You need to be more... *flexible.*

Helen: [picking something off Bob's shoulder] Is this rubble?

Bob: [mouth is full of a huge piece of cake] It was just a little workout, just to stay loose.

Helen: You know how I feel about that, Bob! Darn you, we can't blow cover again!

Bob: The building was coming down anyway.

Helen: *What*? You knocked down a building?

Bob: It was on fire. Structurally unsound. It was coming down anyway.

Helen: Tell me you haven't been listening to the police scanner again...

Helen: [on the phone with an old friend] Snug, I'm calling in a solid you owe me.

[as Helen leaves the cave, Violet runs after her]

Violet: Mom! Mom, what happened on the plane... I-I'm sorry, I wanted to- when you asked me to... I'm sorry...

Helen: Shh... it isn't your fault. It wasn't fair for me to suddenly ask so much of you. But things are different now, and doubt is a luxury we can't afford anymore, sweetie. You have more power than you realize. Don't think, and don't worry. If the time comes, you'll know what to do. It's in your blood.

Jack Reacher: Look out the window.

Helen: No, I've work to do.

Jack Reacher: Just humor me.

Helen: And you need to leave.

Jack Reacher: Okay.

[Grabs Helen's arm and starts to pull her to the window]

Helen: Let, let go of me.

Jack Reacher: Would you tell me what you see?

Helen: I see the same... things I see every day.

Jack Reacher: Well, imagine you've never seen it. Imagine you've spent your whole life in other parts of the world being told every day you're defending freedom. And finally you decide you've had enough. Time to see what you've given up your whole life for. Maybe get some of that freedom for yourself. Look at the people. Now tell me which ones are free. Free from debt. Anxiety. Stress. Fear. Failure. Indignity. Betrayal. How many wish that they were born knowing what they know now? Ask yourself how many would do things the same way over again? And how many would live their lives like me.

Helen: So why are you so hard to find?

Jack Reacher: I'm impossible to find.

Helen: Why is that?

Jack Reacher: Well, you could say it started out as an exercise and became an addiction.

Helen: What about the truth? What about getting the guys who really did this? What about bringing him to justice?

Jack Reacher: I just did.

Cash: This the lady?

Jack Reacher: Helen Rodin, Martin Cash.

Cash: A pleasure. You look like hell there, Army.

Jack Reacher: You asked if I was afraid I'd end up like Barr. I'm not. I'm afraid I'll end up like this guy.

Cash: There's a lot of dead bodies out here. So let's get to it.

Jack Reacher: We should probably go.

Helen: Wait. That's it? It's just over?

Jack Reacher: You'll be all right, counselor.

Helen: No. What if I need you? How will I find you?

Jack Reacher: You don't need me. Not anymore.

Cash: Get her number. Let's go!

Jack Reacher: And sticking it to your father because...

Helen: No. Not my father. The Office of the District Attorney.

Jack Reacher: ...because the Office of the District Attorney never bought you a pony.

Helen: Were you really going to shoot him?

Jack Reacher: I knew I wouldn't have to. One look at this guy and you know he'll do anything to survive. One look at me and you know I'm not bluffing.

Jack Reacher: You understand you're not just asking me to look at the evidence. You're asking me to look at a cold-blooded killer. A man I know to be guilty. A man you want to keep off death row. You're asking me to look at him objectively.

Helen: Yes, that is what I'm asking.

Jack Reacher: I'll do it. On one condition.

Helen: Name it.

Jack Reacher: You have to look at the victims objectively.

Jack Reacher: Who is he?

Helen: That's John Doe Number Two. The man on the grassy knoll. The thing under the bed. They call him the Zec.

Helen: You want me to wait?

Jack Reacher: No, I'll meet you back at the office later.

Helen: How will you get there?

Jack Reacher: I'll hitch a ride.

Jack Reacher: I need some sleep. You too.

Helen: You don't really think I'm gonna...

Helen: Are they going to help us?

Stephens: Sure they are, they're the police. Hey, your taxes are paying their salaries. We die, they gotta take a pay cut.

Helen: Did you see anything out there?

Mariner: See what?

Helen: An end, to all this water?

Mariner: That old woman they buried today? She found the only end there is.

Mariner: What are the markings on her back?

Helen: Some say it's the way to dry land.

Mariner: Dry land is a myth.

Helen: No, you said it yourself, that you've seen it.

Mariner: You're a fool to believe in something you've never seen.

Helen: But the things on your boat...!

Mariner: The things on my boat, what?

Helen: There are things on your boat that no one has ever seen. These shells, the music box and the reflecting glass. Well, if not from dry land, then where? Where?

Mariner: You wanna see dry land? You really wanna see it? I'll take you there.

Helen: I thought you all stopped for each other. Maybe he has some FOOD!

[first lines]

Helen: [lights up a cigarette]

Ashley: Dad, could you pull over...

Jack: Why?

Ashley: I need some air.

Helen: Oh, Ashley, if it bothers you, you should have told me, I would have waited.

Ashley: It doesn't bother me, I just can't handle it every three seconds.

Helen: Well, I don't think I smoke every three seconds.

Kenny: Ah, Gamera!

Helen: I don't like monsters.

Kenny: Gamera is the friend of all children!

Helen: Is he really?

Paris: Pearls from the sea of Propontus.

Helen: They're beautiful, but I could never wear them, Menelaus would kill us both.

Paris: Don't be afraid of him.

Helen: I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of tomorrow. I'm afraid of watching you sail away and knowing you'll never come back. Before you came to Sparta, I was a ghost. I walked and I ate and I swam in the sea... I was just a ghost.

Paris: You don't have to fear tomorrow... come with me!

Helen: Don't play with me, don't play.

Paris: If you come, we'll never be safe. Men will hunt us, the gods will curse us, but I'll love you. Until the day they burn my body, I'll love you.

Helen: You should not have come here tonight.

Paris: That's what you said last night?

Helen: Last night was a mistake.

Paris: And the night before?

Helen: I have made many mistakes this week.

Helen: I can't ask anyone to fight for me. I'm no longer queen of Sparta.

Hector: You're a princess of Troy now.

[pause]

Hector: And, my brother needs you tonight.

Helen: Menelaus was a brave man. He fought for honor. And every day I was with him, I wanted to walk into the sea and drown.

Helen: [to Hector] All those widows. I still hear them screaming. Their husbands died because I'm here.

[from director's cut]

Helen: You're very young, my love.

Paris: We're the same age.

Helen: You're younger than I ever was.

Tommy: Hey, what's your name?

Helen: Helen.

Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet.

[Reaches down and picks up a dinner roll]

Tommy: Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet.

[Pokes the roll playfully]

Tommy: You're naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go...

[makes ripping noises as he tears apart the roll]

Tommy: [Wailing loudly, making the whole restaurant look] Uuuuuuh! I killed it! I killed my sale! And that's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?

Helen: God, you're sick.

Tommy: Richard, do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts.

Richard Hayden: Nope, nothing. I thought I hit you on the shoulder.

Tommy: My shoulder doesn't hurt very much, but my face does.

[points to huge bruised area on his face]

Tommy: Right here. Not here or here so much. Right here.

Richard Hayden: Nope. Ship shape! Waitress, can I get that shrimp cocktail I saw in the glass case?

Helen: Yep. And you, what can I get

[pauses and looks at Tommy's face]

Helen: Jesus, what happened to your face?

Tommy: I knew it!

Helen: Hello, Molo, you white man's burden, you!

Molo, African Servant: [talks in an African language]

Helen: Darling, we only got the first aid book.

Harry Street: [looking at the witch doctor] What's he going to do, sprinkle me with monkey dust?

Helen: Darling!

Harry Street: A hair from the tail of a leopard?

Helen: [seeing the Trojan horse] Beware the Greeks bearing gifts.

Paris: Forgive me Helen. You are two women. Both wise and good. I am two men, one fairly good, I try to believe - the other very bad indeed.

Helen: One is a man, the other just a boy I think. Paris, let him be so always. Never let him grow old.

Helen: Andraste, help us carry this man.

Andraste: A man, my lady! How interesting!

Andros: I can't risk hiding a Trojan.

Andraste: Yes. What if he's a warrior and only pretending? You must be careful.

Helen: Women who are always careful, miss much in life, Andraste. He doesn't seem to recover. But his heart beats!

Helen: Be on your way. Freedom is made of quicksilver sometimes. Go, hurry.

Helen: The Gods sometimes change the bravest of intentions.

Paris: They are kind. I'll never doubt them again.

Helen: This is not goodbye. You shall still be with me across the sea.

Paris: And you with me.

Helen: And always young, Paris, remember. What is remembered is forever young.

Paris: Sparta is the past, Helen, Troy is this way.

Helen: What will they call us there? A woman who left her husband and Prince turned thief. What else can we ever be?

Paris: Two people in love, against the world, if need be.

Paris: Helen, how perfect.

Helen: The girl you fell in love with? Always keep that image with you, Paris.

Paris: I shan't need to. I have the source of its magic. Right here I hold its living warmth and its spirit is always with me on the ramparts.

Helen: Then it can't be lost, can it? What has been lived and shared is never lost.

Paris: Never, Helen.

Helen: Nothing endures on earth, Paris. Neither sorrow nor happiness. Or, people in love.

Helen: People in love should not be blind. They should look to the future and prepare for separation.

Paris: There is no escape it seems. Not even from happiness.

Helen: No. And I am happy, very happy.

Paris: For a moment I thought - that you were that little slave girl.

Helen: Oh, I am. Whatever your love wishes me to be. Whatever is in your heart.

Paris: You are my heart.

Helen: It is the way the Gods have: to give with one hand and take with two.

Helen: You give my life meaning.

Helen: [Crying] Why are you smiling?

Annie: It's just... it's the first time I've ever seen you look ugly... and that makes me kind of happy.

Helen: I went to Thailand recently with my husband, Perry, and there's a beautiful saying that I learned there.

[Speaking Thai]

Helen: It means, "You are a part of me, a part that I could never live without. And I hope and I pray that I never have to." Khob-kun-Ka

[Bows to the crowd]

Helen: khob-kun-Ka, khob-kun-Ka. And that's it for tonight! Thank you for coming!

Annie: [interjecting] Really quick!

Helen: Thank you all for coming. The dessert wine is out.

Annie: I just wanted to say really quick.

Helen: [calling out] Consuelo!

Annie: Really quick! Speaking of Consuelo, Lillian and I took Spanish together in school. And so, I would just like to say to you and to everyone here, "Gracias para vivar en la casa, en la escuelas, en... en la azul... "markada". Tienes con "bibir" en las Fortuashla?" and gracias!

Rhodes: How long has she been gone?

Annie: She's been missing for like 12 hours.

Rhodes: Twelve hours? It's not a missing person, until it's atleast 24 hours. Have you ever seen CSI? 24 hours. Let me go on with my job Annie.

Annie: Please, I really need your help.

Helen: [peeks her head over] Please... Nathan?

Rhodes: Who's this one?

Annie: Hi, I'm Helen.

[reaches hand out]

Rhodes: What?

Annie: This is Helen...

Rhodes: [smiles] Hello, Helen. I've heard... wonderful things.

Helen: [the women are discussing bridal shower ideas] We should throw some ideas around. See if anyone else has a theme they have in mind, or something they'd been thinking of.

Becca: What about a Pixar themed shower? And we all come dressed as our favorite Pixar character?

Megan: That, and I'll just snowball on top of that, also Fight Club. Female fight club. We grease up, we pull in. Lillian doesn't know, so it's, "Surprise! We're going to fight!" We beat the shit out of her. She's not going to forget that.

Helen: We saw a wonderfully funny American film last night.

Inez: Who was in it?

Helen: Oh, I don't know. I forget the name.

Gil: Wonderful but forgettable. It sounds like a film I've seen. I probably wrote it.

Gil: It's understated but elegant. That's what you always say.

Helen: Cheap is cheap. That's what I always say.

James: Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say.

Helen: "Always look on the bright side of life"?

James: No, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition."

[Helen tells James her boyfriend is cheating]

James: Well, if it makes you feel any better... do you see that bloke over there?

[Points to his friend at the end of the bar]

James: Not only does he own a personalized matching set of crocodile-skin luggage, but his favorite TV program is Baywatch. So you see there's always someone sadder than you.

[Helen starts to cry]

James: Do you love him?

Helen: No, I could never love a Baywatch fan.

James: What are you doing two weeks on Saturday?

Helen: Probably killing myself.

James: Excellent. What time does that finish? Do you like boats?

[last lines]

[Helen drops her earring in the lift. James picks it up and gives it to her]

Helen: [gloomily] Thank you.

James: Cheer up, you know what the Monty Pythons always say...

Helen: "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"

[Helen and James turn and stare at each other as the lift closes]

Helen: Look, James. Maybe I shouldn't be here. I'm sorry, I'm not being fair. You know, under normal circumstances, etcetera... You're really nice - and funny. My friend Anna thinks you're cute...

James: Wait. Wait! Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute? Your friend ANNA thinks I'm cute? Shit, I just blew - wait

[looks at menu]

James: two eighty-five on the wrong girl!

Helen: For God's sake, Gerry. I asked you a simple question; there is no need for you to become Woody Allen.

Helen: I kissed you.

James: Yeah, I spotted that too.

[Helen has broken up with her boyfriend]

Helen: Bollocks to him. I'm over him.

Anna: [skeptically] Oh. You're over him.

Helen: Yes. Totally and utterly and completely over him.

Anna: No you're not.

Helen: I am.

Anna: You're not.

Helen: Anna, I'm over him! What do you mean I'm not? How do you know I'm not?

Anna: Well, two things really. One, you're still counting how long you've been apart in days - and probably hours and minutes - but the big-flashing-red-light way of telling you're not really over someone is when you're still reading their horoscope in the hope that they're going to get wiped out in some freak napalming incident.

Helen: Smartass!

[tosses the paper at Anna]

Anna: [opens the paper] What is he?

Helen: A wanker.

[pause]

Helen: Oh. Aries.

Anna: Aries... Aries... well, just shows how much I know.

[reads]

Anna: "With Mars your ruler in the ascendancy, you will get wiped out in a freak napalming incident and Helen says bollocks to you." This guy's very good.

Helen: I-I'm not - I'm not very good at - at, you know...

James: Constructing sentences?

Patron in Restaurant where Helen is a waitress: Hey, gorgeous. What do you do when you're not serving up mad cow burgers in here, eh?

Helen: Well, now, then, let me see. I get up at about 7:30AM making and delivering sandwiches in the West End during the day before I come here about 6 o'clock and finish at midnight. After that, if I've got any energy left, I give my boyfriend a blow job.

[pause]

Helen: Would you like some mayonnaise with that?

James: Hands up if you drank too much, eh?

Helen: Hey, I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep I am.

Anna: Put a wick in her mouth and she'd burn for a fortnight.

Helen: I come home and catch you up to your nuts in Lady Shagging Godiva!

Lydia: Who's there?

Helen: It's Helen, actually. We met once, I interrupted you faking your orgasm. Sorry I can't be more specific.

Helen: So who are you on the rebound from?

James: A girl called Pamela. My whole life pivots around Pam and I breaking up.

Helen: When was that?

James: 1973, we were eight. I bloody loved that woman! No warning just up, gone, left me for someone else.

Helen: Who?

James: Gary Glitter! Gary Glitter for cryin' out loud! I mean all my friends were being left for Donny Osmond or David Cassidy, I could have come to terms with that given time, but Gary oooooh she wanted to touch him there yeeaah...

Anna: Are you okay?

Helen: Yes, just going quietly mad.

Anna: Thank goodness for that. I was worried.

Helen: You wanker. You sad, sad wanker.

Helen: I didn't know you liked Elton John.

Gerry: I-I-I do sometimes.

[to her boss just after he has sacked her]

Helen: OK, I'll go. I was getting a bit choked up with all the testosterone flying about the place. Best I get out before I start growing a penis.

Helen: God! I feel like such a mug! Useless, no good, shagging, horrible, despicable, lying, two faced, pissing, shagging...

Anna: You said shagging.

Helen: ...wanker!

[Helen walks into the room holding a pregnancy test]

Anna: James?

[Helen nods]

Anna: Since last night?

[Helen stares]

Anna: Sorry.

[pause]

Anna: You can't tell from one. They can be inaccurate.

Helen: I bought three packets. Two in a packet - that's six. You can tell from six.

Bridesmaid: So you actually knew Todd's father?

Donny: Of course I knew the guy. He was handsome, he had fuckin' great hair, uh, a Jedi with the chicks. Went down on girls for a wicked long time 'cause he was a giver and he wanted to see others be happy.

Helen: Oh, I wish I could have met him.

[Dan intrudes a northern European Shvitz in a business suit to find and conduct business with Helen. Northern European Spas are traditionally co-ed and nude, fully exposed and open. Members are unashamed and comfortable naked]

Helen: You can bring your numbers here... but please don't bring your American prudishness. It makes me uncomfortable.

[Helen sits fully exposed as Dan completely undresses]

Helen: It sounds like a boy Garry's age needs a man around the house.

Tod: Well, it depends on the man. I had a man around. He used to wake me up every morning by flicking lit cigarettes at my head. He'd say, "Hey, asshole, get up and make me breakfast." You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, or drive a car. Hell, you need a license to catch a fish! But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.

Julie: He said that he loved me.

Helen: Men say that. They all say that. Then they cum.

Julie: [door slams as Tod leaves after having a fight with Julie] If he thinks I'm having his baby now, he's crazy!

Helen: [shocked] Baby?

George Bowman: Your daughter's having a baby?

Helen: [even more shocked] A baby?

George Bowman: You're going to be a grandma?

Helen: [laughs incredulously] No, no, no, no. I'm too young to be a grandmother. Grandmothers are old. They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression.

[shouts]

Helen: I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake! I peed in a field! I hung on to The Who's helicopter as it flew away!

[gestures wildly]

George Bowman: I was at Woodstock.

Helen: [shouts] Oh yeah? I thought you looked familiar!

Tod: Can I speak frankly, no holds barred?

[Helen nods]

Tod: That is one messed up little dude. We can talk straight?

[Helen nods again]

Tod: Um, a few months ago, Garry got his first... boner. You know what that is?

Helen: If memory serves.

Tod: Aw, great! Anyway, since then, he's been... uh... slappin' the salami. No offense.

Helen: No.

Tod: Apparently, he's goin' for a world record. Anyway, he was afraid there was something wrong with him, you know? Like he was a pervert or something. I told him that's what little dudes do - we've all done it. It made him happy.

Helen: Garry was happy?

Tod: He even smiled! I never even knew he had teeth!

Susan Buckman Merrick: [after breaking the lock on Gary's bedroom door and searching it, Helen finds some sex tapes and plays one - graphic sex sounds from the television as Susan and Grandma enter the room] Helen? Oh, the door was unlocked.

[sees the sex action on the television]

Grandma: What channel is this?

Helen: No Gran, this is a tape.

Grandma: [to Susan] She needs a man... Now!

Helen: Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this!

Grandma: [to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!

[after finding her 15-year-old son's bag full of porno tapes]

Helen: l assume you're watching these because you're curious about sex... you know. Or filmmaking.

[Tod is struggling with Julie]

Tod: Julie, you belong with me!

Helen: [hitting him] Let go of her!

Tod: You're my wife!

Helen: I said-!

[stops]

Helen: His what?

Julie: His wife. We got married a few days ago.

Helen: [hitting her] Are you out of your *mind*? Are you out of your *mind*?

Helen: [whimpers as she flips through the stack of sex photos of Julie and Tod]

[Julie enters the room and Helen holds up a picture]

Helen: I... I... I think this this one is my favorite.

Julie: It was just for fun, Mom.

Helen: Well, I'm glad to know it's not a job. That's that Tod, isn't it? There's one with his face.

[as she looks closer at the photos]

Julie: Is that what bothers you? That I did those things? Or that I did those things with Tod?

Helen: Gee whiz, Julie, so many things bother me about this, I don't know where to separate them.

[holds up a different photo]

Helen: Oh! Whoo! Here's something for my wallet!

Julie: Tod is very important to me.

Helen: And we've got the photos to prove it!

[as she holds up the sex photos again]

Julie: Mom...

Helen: [looking again at the photos] This is your room. You did these things right here? In my house?

Julie: Well, I thought someone in this house ought to be having sex. I mean with something that doesn't require batteries.

Julie: I can't do this! This is too intense!

Helen: This is marriage!

Helen: I swear, Julie, if you walk out that door, don't you dare come back!

Julie: Don't worry about it!

[Garry enters]

Julie: Hey Garry.

Garry: Hi.

Julie: I'm moving out.

Garry: Bye.

[walks out of the room]

Helen: See? Now you've upset your brother!

Helen: Open this door! Goddamnit! I was just like a little respect! Not a lot, just a little! Do you know why I'm having sex with machinery? Because your father went to have a party and I stayed to raise two kids, and I HAVE NO LIFE!

Julie: I can't believe I trusted him...

Helen: Well, what did you expect from a kid like that?

Julie: Oh, Mom, back off. The last guy you dated stole our furniture.

[about Tod and Julie's marriage]

Helen: I give them six months. Three, if she cooks.

Helen: Tod?

Tod: Yeah?

Helen: Do you want me to make you breakfast?

Tod: No thanks, Julie will.

Helen: Great.

[then adds under her breath]

Helen: I'll get the fire extinguisher.

Tod: Hi. Where's my wife?

Helen: She's still at school. She's got cheerleading practice.

Tod: Bitchin'.

Karen: Justin's going to go full time next year, so everybody's asking when I'm going to go back to work. Like I'm supposed to. And I'm thinking about it, I mean, I used to like work, it was OK, but... you know, I think I'm better at this, I mean, I think I'm sort of good at it, so... But then people make me feel embarrassed, like I don't have goals or something. Like I sit around here eating bonbons all day, right? Oh, I don't know.

Helen: Well, what does Gil say?

Karen: He says I should do whatever I want. I could have killed him for that.

Helen: You take him to the orphanage right this minute

Hub: Whether we take him to the orphanage or tie him up and throw him in the lake, that's OUR business, not yours

Adam: Say, mom?

Helen: Yes, dear?

Adam: I was wondering, you know, while I was up there and all, I was thinking, well you know, I was wondering if maybe I could meet a girl? I've been thinking about that a little. Just these last fifteen years or so.

Helen: Oh Adam, it would be wonderful if you could meet a girl. One who's not a mutant and hopefully comes from Pasadena. Nothing against Valley girls but in my day anyhow girls from Pasadena, I don't know, just always seemed a little bit nicer.

[the doors have unlocked, and Helen and Adam are thrilled; Calvin slightly less so]

Adam: Do we just go on up?

Calvin: No, son. Now is the time we must be at our most cautious. We wait for night.

Helen: Oh, shit!

[Helen, realizing Adam has heard her, immediately covers her mouth]

Calvin: Helen Thomas Webber! Maybe we have been down here a little too long. Pardon her French, son.

Adam: "Shit" is French?

Calvin: [uncomfortably] Well, it's archaic French. It's a sixteenth century colloquialism, meaning, roughly, good.

Helen: Your father's right.

Adam: Well. "Shit"!

Calvin: Would you like a tranquilizer?

Helen: You have tranquilizers?

Calvin: I told you, I have everything!

[Calvin is reassuring his wife on their son's first night away from home]

Calvin: I just want to say, I think he's going to be fine.

Helen: Thank you, Calvin, thank you very much.

Calvin: He's smart!

Helen: Yes, dear, I know, but he's still such a baby.

Calvin: He's a man.

Helen: He's a baby man.

Adam: [During his first visit back home] Mom, I think I'm being chased by a Psychiatrist.

Helen: Oh no!

Calvin: That happens.

[Helen pours alcohol all over Madeline's car and then dumps the bottles inside, revealing dozens of bottles and alcohol everywhere]

Helen: We'll make it look like she's had just a little bit too much to drink...

Helen: Oh, gosh, I'm glad you came. I didn't know if you would. I spoke to my PR woman and she said Madeleine Ashton goes to the opening of an envelope. Oh, those people can be so cruel!

Madeleine: Mmmm.

Helen: I fired her.

Madeleine: [pleased] Oh!

Helen: Well, I almost fired her.

Helen: Oh ok! Well if she's not dead, you tell her to come down here, come right up to me and kiss me on the...

Madeline: Kiss you on the what?

Helen: Mad?

Madeline: Hel...

[Helen has a gaping hole in her abdomen after being shot into a pool]

Helen: Look at me, Ernest! Just look at me! I'm soaking wet!

[Helen and Madeleine shatter into pieces after falling down stairs]

Helen: Do you remember where you parked the car?

Helen: She was a homebreaker. She was a man-eater. And she was a *bad* actress.

Helen: She married a brilliant surgeon, and turned him into an undertaker.

Helen: Madeleine! I need to speak to Madeleine!

Ernest: She's not here.

Helen: Oh, thank god.

Helen: I will not speak to you 'til you put your head on straight.

Helen: Ernest, ask me to go. Ask me to leave this house immediately!

Ernest: You just got here!

Helen: You have no talent for poverty.

Helen: You can't raise an eyebrow without major surgery!

Madeleine: You should learn not to compete with me. I always win!

Helen: You may have always won, but you never played fair!

Madeleine: Who cares how I played? I won!

Helen: I want you to know something. I have never blamed you for leaving me. I always knew it was her. She's a woman. A woman, Ernest. From Newark, for God's sake.

[after being shot into a pond, by Madeline]

Helen: That was totally uncalled for.

Madeline Ashton: Drink it!

Helen: You have to!

Madeline Ashton: We need you!

[Ernest lets go]

Ernest Menville: Life has turned out as quite a party.

Helen: You used to hate parties.

Ernest Menville: That was when I was old. You should see me now.

Helen: I didn't know you were so unhappy.

Ernest Menville: [frantically] Life in prison? Know what that means to a person in your condition?

Helen: So negative. Let me enjoy the moment.

Ernest Menville: What about the neighbors?

Helen: Neighbors? In 12 years in Los Angeles, have you ever seen a neighbor?

Madeline Ashton: Who cares how I played? I won!

Ernest Menville: I'll just be upstairs...

Helen: That's 'cause you could raise your legs higher than anyone.

Ernest Menville: Do you know what they call someone who sticks by their word no matter what? At the cost of all else? Do you know?

Helen: No.

Ernest Menville: An idiot. From now on I'm gonna be the kind of idiot *I* wanna be. An idiot with a modicum of pride, because you know what? I finally realized something. I've lived up to my promise. Till death do us part. Well, you girls are dead. And I'm parting. Cheers.

[last lines]

Madeline Ashton: Has that ever worked? When you ask me where I last saw something?

Helen: Yes.

Madeline Ashton: When?

Helen: When you lost your index finger.

Madeline Ashton: I didn't lose it, it broke off.

Helen: That's because you cracked your knuckles all the time...

[slipping on the can of spray paint they both crash down the steps]

Helen: Help me!

Madeline Ashton: [now in pieces] Do you remember where you parked the car?

Ernest Menville: [yells when he finds Helen in the house, when he has been upstairs preserving and painting Madeline]

Helen: [drops shovel] Where is she!

Ernest Menville: [nervously] Oh my gosh - Helen! What are you doing here?

Helen: [suspicious] What's that on your hands - blood?

Ernest Menville: Paint.

Helen: Paint? What would you be doing that you have paint on your hands?

Ernest Menville: Painting.

Helen: Ernest - are you doing something funny with Madeline?

Ernest Menville: Define "funny".

Crystal Allen: [In tub] Holy mackerel!

[Sarcastically]

Crystal Allen: What a cheerful evening! Oh, I'm so bored!

[Throws sponge and almost hits maid]

Helen,: [Surprised] Monsieur says that it doesn't improve madame's nerves to stay so long in ze water.

Crystal Allen: What'd he mean by that? A crack?

Helen,: Oh... No he did not say is zat way madame.

Crystal Allen: [Smirks] I thought not... I've been Mrs. Stephen Haines for 18 months now without a single squawk.

[laughs softly]

Crystal Allen: That's some sort of a record for Park Avenue!

[phone rings - says to maid]

Crystal Allen: Get out.

[Loudly and impatiently]

Crystal Allen: Get OUT! Go on! Go on!

Daniel Miller: Y'know if you really wanna make this place feel like Earth, you should open a few of those mini-malls.

Helen: It's funny you should say that - a few just opened outside of town. Personally, I wouldn't use them because I don't like yogurt and I LOVE doing my own nails.

Helen: [upon seeing Orlando staring at her] What?

Orlando: I'm just sittin' here, tryin' to think of a way to say this to you.

[pauses]

Orlando: I'm in love with you.

Helen: How do you know that?

Orlando: I don't know how to explain it to you.

Helen: Try.

Orlando: Helen, if I'm away from you for more than an hour, I can't stop thinking about you. I carry you in my spirit. I pray for you more than I pray for myself. I've got it so bad for you I'd... I'd go to the grocery store and buy your feminine products, I swear I would.

[Helen and Orlando laugh]

Orlando: And see? And that... that... That smile. Helen, when you smile like that, my world... It's all right.

[pauses]

Orlando: I am in love with you.

Myrtle: You know I know this man put a hurtin' on you baby, but you've got to forgive him. No matter what he done, you've got to forgive him - not for him, but for you.

Helen: Forgive him for me?

Myrtle: When some body hurts you they take power over you, if you don't forgive them then they keeps the power. Forgive him baby and after you forgive him, forgive youreself.

Helen: Orlando, what's going...

Orlando: I know you don't believe in fairy tales. But, if you did, I'd want to be your knight in shining armor. You've been through so much. I don't want to see you hurt anymore. Now I may not be able to give you all that your used to. But I do know I can love you past your pain. I don't want you to worry about anything. You just wake up in the morning, that's all you have to do and I'll take it from there. There's one condition. You have to be my wife.

Helen: I'm not bitter. I'm mad as hell.

Orlando: Why you being so mean, woman?

Helen: Why you being so nice, man?

Myrtle: You've got to stand on your own two feet.

Helen: I don't think I'm strong enough.

Myrtle: Of course you are, you've got the strength God gave all women to survive. You just have to tap into it.

Helen: [after seeing Debrah] What happened to her?

Madea: Life.

Helen: Your kids? Your boys?

[hits Charles with a toy bat]

Helen: I wanted children, Charles, and had you not been with those whores, we would have them. You got me all stressed out, my hair falling out, my weight up and down, can't keep anything down, TWO MISCARRIAGES. You took life from me and you never even said I'm sorry.

Helen: [shoves a picture of Brenda into Charles mouth] Do you see what you left me for? This is what you left me for. Look at it. She didn't give a damn about you Charles, she told them to let you die.

Helen: Are you hungry?

[Charles nods]

Helen: Oh, maybe you should go into the kitchen and get yourself something to eat, huh?

Charles: [crying] Christina...

Helen: [calling] Christina!

[grins]

Helen: Christina's gone! Your little tramp didn't leave her any money to pay her, so she just left, like your slut. She packed up all her things, and a few of yours, and split. In fact, she cleaned out your bank account.

[laughing]

Helen: Isn't that just too much? You tried to keep it from me, and she just took it all. Huh? Huh? You are like so many men, Charles, you'd rather leave with trash than make it work with something good. You're a coward.

Helen: [voice-over] September 19th. Dear Diary, as I sit here thinking about picking up the pieces of what used to be my life, I realized something. Every room in this house holds a painful memory for me. Even though he's suffering, something somewhere in me wants him to suffer more. A few months and a divorce can take you through just as many emotions as 18 years in a marriage. And I'm starting to feel all of them at once. But the one that is clear is rage. Signed, a Mad Black Woman.

Madea: I remember this dude made me so mad, I didn't even know how mad I was until I went to his funeral.

Helen: Why were you so mad at him?

Madea: Because he hit me. Yes he hit me... and I didn't even know how mad I was until I saw him in his casket, he's 8 feet under.

Myrtle: 6 feet, that's how they bury people, Madea, 6 feet under.

Madea: That's what I'm trying to say, I thought I was over what he did to me until I saw him at the funeral, I was so mad I BEAT HIM DOWN 2 more feet.

Helen: [slaps Charles] I just want you to know that old Helen is gone, and you will NEVER speak to me like that again.

Helen: Women love hard.

Brian: And men don't?

Helen: Not like women do.

Brian: We may not love as easy but when we love, we love hard.

Madea: Rip it.

Helen: Rip it?

Madea: Rip it.

Helen: Rip it.

Madea: Rip it. Rip it.

Helen: Rip it. Rip it.

Madea: Rip it.

Helen: Rip it.

Madea: Rip it real good. Rip it.

Helen: Wait a minute. What is this going to solve?

Madea: Nothing. It's just gonna make you feel better.

Helen: [after Charles reveals he's been cheating] Charles, you're not leaving.

Charles: You're right. You are.

Madea: Mmmhmm... How long you do that fo'?

Helen: Eighteen years.

Madea: Okay.

[pulls out a calculator]

Madea: Let's see how much he owes ya then.

[types a bunch of numbers while she speaks]

Madea: Eighteen years. Cooking. Cleaning. Havin' sex wit him when he wanted it, was it good?

Helen: [shakes head in disgust] No.

Madea: *Major* deduction.

Helen: He put me out of the house.

Madea: Who house?

Helen: Our house.

Madea: Exactly, how's a man throw a woman out of her own house? No man would ever do that to me, he'd put me out half of the house, I'll go live in the other half.

Helen: [dumps Charles into a bathtub] Bathe *him*, feed *him, clothe *him* they say, what about me?

Myrtle: [the dog's wearing Madea's house arrest ankle bracelet] What's that thing on the dog?

Helen: A flea and tick thing, Mama.

Myrtle: It don't look like no flea and tick thing. Madea. What's this thing on the dog?

Helen: You want a baby though, don't you Poppy?

Poppy: No thanks, I just had a kebab!

Helen: [somewhat patronizingly] I just want you to be happy, that's all.

Poppy: I am happy.

Helen: I don't think you are.

Poppy: I am! I love my life. Yeah, it can be tough at times, that's part of it, isn't it? I've got a great job, brilliant kids, lovely flat.

[points at Zoe, laughs]

Poppy: I've got her to look at. I've got amazing friends. I love my freedom. I'm a very lucky lady, I know that...

Helen: [annoyed] Alright, there's no need to rub it in.

Poppy: What? What am I rubbing in?

Helen: I know what you're saying.

Poppy: What am I saying?

Helen: You think I've taken the easy option.

Zoe: Hey, hang on, Helen. She didn't say that.

Helen: That's what she meant.

Poppy: No I didn't.

Suzy: Now you're just blatantly insecure about your own life.

Poppy: [trying to keep the peace] Alright, Suzy...

Helen: That's not true.

Suzy: Then why are you trying to control everyone else?

Helen: Some people smoke pot, some people bungee jump, some people chant. What do you do to be happy?

Jessica: Nothing. I'm not.

Helen: What does your therapist say about all of this?

Jessica: Oh, I could never tell my therapist.

Helen: Why not?

Jessica: Because it's private.

Helen: I took out an ad for Christ's sake. And I ended up with the Jewish Sandra Dee.

Jessica: Oh, I'm a terrible insomniac.

Helen: I'm so sorry. Since when?

Jessica: Um, I don't know, since birth.

Helen: Don't decide right now, just let it marinate for a while.

Jessica: Wait a second. Are you saying my life has no value?

Helen: No! I am saying that maybe, underneath all the neurosis, you have a profound capacity for happiness that your're not allowing to exist.

Jessica: How do you know? You just met me.

Helen: You can't possible know who you are or how you'll respond to something until you try it.

Jessica: I happen to disagree. I happen to think that if you know yourself well, you can gauge how you're gonna react to something. And I pretty much assure you that I will never be made happy by chanting for spiritual enlightenment.

Helen: Or maybe you would. You can't know.

Jessica: Trust me, I know.

Helen: You know?

Jessica: Yeah, I know.

Helen: You know how you'll react to anything?

Jessica: Pretty much, yes.

[Helen than grabs Jessica and kisses her passionately, then pulls away looking at Jessica's silent, stunned look]

Helen: [sarcastic tone] I guess you're right. You seem to know yourself pretty well.

Josh: [after confessing his feelings to Jessica, he kisses her] So I guess I'd like to know if you have some sort of reaction to this. More specifically, do you want to have dinner with me tomorrow night?

[she doesn't respond at first, and Josh adopts a look of defeat and embarrassment]

Josh: Well, if you'll excuse me, I definitely need another drink.

Jessica: [she stops him] No, wait. I'd love to have dinner with you, but I can't.

Josh: What? Not the season?

Jessica: [laughs nervously] No. I mean I cant have dinner with you because I'm with Helen.

Josh: Oh, you're having dinner with Helen?

Jessica: No. I mean I'm *with* Helen.

Josh: [he looks at her in disbelief] Like *with* with Helen?

Jessica: Right *with* with.

Helen: [Helen enters from the stairwell] Jessica, they're starting to serve dinner.

[Jessica exits]

Helen: Hey, Josh.

Josh: [still can't believe what he's just heard] Helen...

[beat]

Josh: how are you?

Helen: [smiles] I'm good thanks.

[she exits]

Jessica: [telling Helen why her relationship with Larry didn't work out] He just wasn't funny, you know? That's always been my problem, I think. Not smart or not funny. Or not smart and not funny. Or smart, but in a totally unappealing way like funny stupid or funny dopy, rather than funny witty, or funny irony or funny goofy. Or, you think they're smart- and then you realize that they're not- and that's funny. But funny tragic. And then, if you're lucky enough to find someone who's the right kind of smart and the right kind of funny, usually they're just... kinda...

Helen: Ugly?

Jessica: Ugly, exactly. Oh my god, is that awful?

Helen: No, not at all. Ugly doesn't do it for you. That's okay. See me, I'm kinda into ugly... But only if it's sexy ugly.

[after their fifth make-out session]

Jessica: So, I figure if we keep going it like this, we'll get there in like two weeks or so.

Helen: Yeah, sure. There's no real rush.

Jessica: Are you sure?

Helen: Yeah, sure.

Jessica: But you'd really...

Helen: Not at all.

Jessica: How about ten days?

Helen: Ten days is better.

Helen: Who do you have to blow to get some fucking pussy around here!

Helen: Stop saying you told me, you're a terrible liar, it's one of your best qualities.

Helen: Harvey Keitel. He's very sexy-ugly.

Helen: It's just like kissing a guy.

Joan: No it's not.

Helen: No, it's not.

Suzanne: [Helen turns on a flash strobe] Far fucking out!

Helen: I found it in my mother's closet, she used to be an acid head.

Angela: There's plenty of time for dancing later, now it's time for party games.

Stooge: Yeah, we can play post orifice and you can be the stamp.

Frannie: Don't make me ill.

Angela: I was thinking of something a bit more in tune with the holiday.

Sal: Like what? Bobbing for apples with razor blades in them?

Angela: No! I was thinking more along the lines of a seance.

Judy Cassidy: A seance?

Helen: Isn't that a little chancy? I mean this IS Halloween, the night when all the creepy things are supposed to stalk the earth. I mean there's no telling what we'll drudge up, especially in this old place.

Angela: Those noises we heard, there were three of them, and that awful stink, and then the chill!

Frannie: Well it's not cold now, must've been a draft.

Jay Jansen: Well, maybe somebody did come in.

Helen: The odor's gone too.

Angela: But we ALL experienced them! The noise, the stink, and the chill! They're all signs of demonic infestation.

Frannie: Demonic what?

Stooge: Demonic watchamacallit. I mean come on, ol' Ange here is just trying to put the ooooga booga on us, okay?

Helen: Typical.

Helen: [on stealing a rental car] There are perks to being a senior citizen

Helen: [trying to hitchhike] I need a fucking ride

Helen: [as a group of teens pretend to give her a lift only to drive off] Oh FUCK OFF... fucking kids

Helen: According to the autopsy report, "As Marc began to "bust a nut," Celine Dion's tour bus appeared, going in the wrong direction."

Helen: So when DID you finally get your man-cherry popped?

Casey: Aunt Helen! You don't want to hear about THAT!

Helen: Of course I do. I wouldn't be a good aunt if I didn't.

Helen: [having given Casey's phone number to Tiffani] Kyle adored her and, well, I thought you might need some new friends - even if they are loser whores.

Helen: Don't pussy out on the youth center just because someone hurt your dick's feelings.

Helen: [sobbing] You're a fag and I want my little faggot back!

[Helen, coming upon her son Kyle kissing Tiffani in public, thinks her son's gone straight while Marc and Troy watch]

Helen: [joyfully, after smothering her son with kisses] You don't understand. I used to catch this boy masturbating with every vegetable in the frig, and now THIS!

Helen: [to Kyle] Have you told that awful ex-boyfriend of yours yet?

Kyle: [looking over to "awful ex-boyfriend" Marc] Mom, I-I have a feeling that he already knows.

Marc: I have a feeling this is the funniest thing he's ever seen.

Kyle: Well, I have a feeling that the childish things that he's doing are acts of jealousy; and, in some small way, it's kind of nice to know that he cares for a change.

Helen: Who gives a shit about him? I'm gonna be a grandma!

Johnny: I've never felt this way before.

Helen: Of course not. You're twenty.

Helen: You cannot take care of any old woman right now Dora. No. That's final.

Dora: I owe her. It's the least I can do.

[tone change]

Dora: I'll go look into train schedules.

Vera: A poem has to snake its way out of you and become the length it becomes.

Helen: [clears her throat] That sounds uncomfortable.

Vera, Dora: It can be.

Helen: I'm going to give you a piece of my mind...

Francey: Oh, I couldn't take the last piece!

Helen: You know, Peter and I are engaged to be married.

Francey: Oh, is that so?

Helen: Not that I think knowing that would make a big difference to you.

Francey: Well, no.

Helen: You see, Peter needs protection against a certain type of woman.

Francey: Oh, I could work on that.

Helen: Now, are you going to mind your own businesses, or must I really give you a piece of my mind?

Francey: Oh, I couldn't take the last piece.

[the female fisticuffs begin after this, with Helen slapping Francey]

Stepan: Anna, how is it that your boyfriend wasn't here to carve?

Anna: I don't live with Oliver anymore, Uncle Stepan. Living back here for a bit.

Helen: For as long as you want.

Stepan: I knew he would run away from you.

Anna: He didn't run away. Christ, you make me sound like a burning building.

Stepan: Black men always run away.

Helen: Oh Stepan!

Stepan: I'm not allowed to be honest?

Helen: He was a doctor, Stepan.

Anna: What has that got to do with anything?

Stepan: It's not natural to mix race and race. That's why your baby died inside you.

Helen: [to Dave Brown] You're a dinosaur, Date Rape. You're a classic racist, a bigot, a sexist, a womanizer, a chauvinist, a misanthrope, homophobic clearly, or maybe you don't like yourself.

Dave Brown: I want you to know, I never hurt any good people.

Helen: What about us?

Helen: Hey, Date Rape.

Dave Brown: Don't call me that.

Helen: [referring to a newly paroled Marie Allen] What shall I do with her file?

Ruth Benton: Keep it active. She'll be back.

Helen: What shall I do with her file?

[last lines]

Ruth Benton: Keep it active. She'll be back.

Helen: [sarcastically] Your ethics touch me deeply.

Arnett: Noblesse oblige...

Helen: If you go to the police, you'll see Laury sooner than you think.

Mrs. Kraft: Are you trying to scare me?

Helen: I'm just warning you. Perhaps you don't realize, it's painful being killed. A piece of metal sliding into your body, finding its way into your heart. Or a bullet tearing through your skin, crashing into a bone. It takes a while to die, too. Sometimes a long while.

Sam: Oh, I see. You cross the tracks on May Day with a basket of goodies for the poor slum kid, but back you scoot - and fast - to your own neck o' the woods. Don't you?

Helen: I wouldn't say that.

Sam: No, you wouldn't *say* it... but that's the way it is.

Helen: [to Sam, approvingly] You're not a turnip, are you?

Helen: I must warn you, though, liquor makes me nosy. I've been known to ask all sorts of personal questions after four cocktails.

Marty: 'sallright. I've been known to tell people to mind their own business. Cold sober, too.

Arnett: It's quite all right, Mrs. Brent. I am a man of integrity, but I'm always willing to listen to an interesting offer.

Helen: Well, I'm prepared to pay handsomely.

Arnett: Good. Obstructing the wheels of justice is a costly affair.

Helen: Five thousand dollars should do it.

Arnett: Fifteen thousand dollars should do it.

Helen: [to Sam] You're strength, excitement, and depravity!

Marty: Don't get mad.

Helen: I am getting mad. I resent people marching into something that doesn't concern them.

Marty: You think it doesn't. It concerns me all right, if it concerns Sam.

Helen: Little fool. You're crazy.

Georgia: If I am, at least I'm crazy with love for a man. All you're crazy about is money and yourself.

Helen: I love you, Dan.

Daniel 'Dan' Brady: That goes both ways.

[last lines]

Helen: How do you live?

James Allen: I steal.

James Allen: Do you mind if we stay here awhile, or must you go home?

Helen: There are no musts in my life. I'm free, white and twenty-one.

Helen: So, what's next?

Mark: We'll wait and see.

Helen: Shouldn't we offer him something?

Mark: Helen, we don't know the guy. Who's to tell he's some fugitive or worst... a child molester, or serial killer.

Helen: Mark... he's not a fugitive. I did see great sadness in his eyes. I think there is a lot more to him.

Mark: Of course, we hardly know the guy remember?

Peg Boggs: Avon calling.

Helen: Weren't you just here?

Peg Boggs: No, not since last season. Today I've come to show you our exquisite new line in softer colours in shadows, blushes and lipstick. Everything you need to accent and highlight your changing look.

Kim: [approaches the neighbors] He's dead. The roof caved in on them. They killed each other. You can see for yourselves. See?

[Kim holds up a fake scissor hand]

Helen: [leaves with the others, sadly] I'm going home.

Helen: [on the phone] Hello?

Marge: [on the phone] Hi. Yeah, it's Marge. Listen, I was standing outside talking to Carol, and Peg drove by. And she had somebody with her in the car.

Helen: [on the phone] Did you get a good look at it?

Helen: Dreams are nice, but you can't live in them.

Helen: You're a good-looking boy: you've big, broad shoulders. But he's a man. And it takes more than big, broad shoulders to make a man.

Helen: What kind of woman are you? How can you leave him like this? Does the sound of guns frighten you that much?

Amy: I've heard guns. My father and my brother were killed by guns. They were on the right side but that didn't help them any when the shooting started. My brother was nineteen. I watched him die. That's when I became a Quaker. I don't care who's right or who's wrong. There's got to be some better way for people to live. Will knows how I feel about it.

Helen: I don't understand you. No matter what you say. If Kane was my man, I'd never leave him like this. I'd get a gun. I'd fight.

Amy: Why don't you?

Helen: He is not my man. He's yours.

Helen: Kane will be a dead man in half an hour and nobody's gonna do anything about it. And when he dies, this town dies too. I can feel it. I am all alone in the world. I have to make a living. So I'm going someplace else. That's all.

Helen: Someone told me that in about 50 years, no one will speak Latin, probably. Not even Latin people.

Helen: Gort! Klaatu barada nikto!

Klaatu: I'm worried about Gort. I'm afraid of what he might do if anything should happen to me.

Helen: Gort? But he's a robot. Without you, what could he do?

Klaatu: There's no limit to what he could do. He could destroy the Earth.

Helen: I thought you were...

Klaatu: I was.

[Klaatu is revived by Gort after being fatally shot]

Helen: I - I thought you were...

Klaatu: I was.

Helen: You mean... he has the power of life and death?

Klaatu: No. That power is reserved to the Almighty Spirit. This technique, in some cases, can restore life for a limited period.

Helen: But... how long?

Klaatu: You mean how long will I live? That no one can tell.

Helen: What about the rest of the world?

Tom: I don't care about the rest of the world!

[Seeing her shocked expression]

Tom: You'll feel different when you read about me in the papers.

Helen: I feel different now.

Helen: Now, you didn't really see a spaceship, but you thought you did.

Bobby Benson: I'd never call YOU a liar.

Helen: There is nothing in common among women except menstruation.

Helen: Will you promise me something?

Mark: Yes.

Helen: Whatever it is.

Mark: I promise.

Helen: We are all the same. Different words, different bodies, different versions. Like insects! Meat!

[stabs Heinrich]

Helen: Fuck you.

Peter: What?

Helen: You heard me, you little twerp. Do you think I'm afraid of you?

Peter: I know you are.

Helen: I know all about you. You're just a sad, second rate, boring, impotent little copycat.

[laughter]

Peter: Watch it bitch or I will slice that smile off your face, do you hear me?

Helen: Daryll Lee couldn't get it up either.

Peter: DO YOU HEAR ME?

Helen: [spits in Peter's face]

Peter: OK, I see Helen. Nice try. You wanna know a little secret? Huh? I'm on to your trick. I won't kill you fast no matter how much you're gonna want me to.

M.J. Monahan: [after the killer hacked her internet address and shows his next victim] Do you remember what she looked like?

Helen: Yes. She looked like a girl. She looked like a million other girls. I barely saw her.

Helen: [laughing maniacally at Peter om the roof] Put up your dukes!

Helen: I'm not on duty - neither is my brain.

Helen: [annoyed by an offgoing car alarm system] Just steal the car and go!

M.J. Monahan: Why is that computer turned off?

Helen: [She turns around to see a blank screen] because I turned it off.

M.J. Monahan: You can't do that.

Helen: I believe I can... but would you like me to turn it back on?

M.J. Monahan: Yeah.

Helen: What am I... the lamb tied to the stake here?

Helen: He really wants us to think what he's doing is art.

Helen: Hello. You know, you're not at all like my father.

Helen: You are the strangest man I have ever met.

[last lines]

Helen: Bobby!

Bobby: Well?

Hank: What are you gonna do?

Helen: Well, I'm not gonna do it with you.

Helen: Would you be shocked if I put on something more comfortable?

Helen: I wanna be free. I wanna be gay and have fun. Life's short. And I wanna live while I'm alive.

Martha Baring: I want this lying bitch out of my house.

Helen: There's only room for one of those.

Martha Baring: Now, why can't you just be sensible. Leave your life and your work and your friends and move in here with a controlling old woman, and a big ranch of horse shit.

Helen: You're not THAT old.

Martha Baring: You show a lot of potential for a city girl

Helen: Thank you. You are an excellent liar

Helen: [talking to herself in the mirror] What if I did drink too much wine? Whose business is that anyway? Who knows how much I *didn't* drink, huh?

Helen: Everything ails me.

Francis Phelan: Oh, come on. At least you got to sing a song.

Helen: Yeah, I did. I sang while Sandra was dying over there.

Francis Phelan: Oh, come one. She was gonna die anyway. Her time was up.

Helen: Oh, well, I don't believe that. I believe you die when you can't stand it any more. Take as much as you can, then you... You die when you can.

Francis Phelan: [following her into an alley] You are you kidding. You got nowheres to go. You wanna get knocked over the head?

Helen: It wouldn't be the worst that ever happened to me. Are you gonna hit me now?

Francis Phelan: [shaking her by the head] I'm not gonna hit ya. Shh. I love you, soul mate.

Helen: [kneeing in the church] Forgive me, for I have sinned. If you must call them sins, you know, I call them decisions. I'm not a drunk, and I'm not a whore, and I never let a man use me for money. You know, I went Dutch lots of times, and I... well, I would let them buy the drinks. But that's because it's a man's place to buy the drinks. But I never, ever betrayed anybody. And that's what counts with me. Of course, I know living with Francis was sinful in the eyes of some people, and I took a certain amount of liberty with the Commandments of the Church. But nobody's gonna compel me ever - I couldn't declare to anybody, not even you, St. Joseph - that loving Francis was sinful. Because it was probably... *the* greatest thing in my life.

Jo: I hope to be dead and buried by the time I reach your age. Just think you've been living for forty years.

Helen: I know, I must be a biological phenomenon.

Jo: You don't look forty. You look a sort of well-preserved sixty.

Helen: My mother was very beautiful, wasn't she 'Cap?

Capt. January: Mighty pretty, Star, according to her pictures.

Helen: We're awfully lucky, aren't we?

Capt. January: Lucky?

Helen: I'd never have known what my mother looked like if it wasn't for that trunk. Did you swim out to get it, too?

Capt. January: No, it just washed ashore.

Helen: How can anyone sleep in the deep?

Capt. January: That's the long last sleep, Star.

Helen: Does everyone have to die?

Capt. January: Yes, everyone does.

Helen: Even you and me?

Capt. January: Yes, when the time comes.

Helen: Do you think we'll make it till Christmas?

Capt. January: Yes, I wouldn't be surprised if we did.

Helen: Good morning, Mrs. Croft.

The Widow Mrs. Eliza Croft: Good morning, Star. Is Captain January with you today?

Helen: No, mam.

The Widow Mrs. Eliza Croft: Well, do tell the dear captain that I asked after him. Don't forget, now.

Helen: I will. I mean, I won't.

Mrs. Agatha Mogan: You should be taken home and spanked! What kind of man is this Captain January to allow you to run around?

Helen: Cap's the finest man in the whole world! See that lighthouse down there? Well, Cap owns it... He saved a million ships in his day.

Mrs. Agatha Mogan: You go right home and tell him I'm coming to have a talk with him.

Helen: Yes, mam. I'll bet SHE can't spit a curve in the wind.

Mrs. Agatha Mogan: Don't be impudent!

Helen: I didn't mean to be! -Cap always tells me to be polite to old ladies.

Helen: Why do I have to do this?

Capt. January: All nice little girls sew samplers.

Helen: Well, it doesn't seem like anything I'll need in a sea-faring life.

Capt. January: That's where you're wrong, Star. A good sailor has to be able to steer a needle.

Helen: It's a cake! Cap made himself!

Capt. Nazro: Really? Well then I guess I'll just eat the candles!

Mrs. Agatha Mogan: There is a compulsory education law in this state, and this child is old enough.

Helen: How can she know how old I am? We don't even know ourselves.

Mrs. Agatha Mogan: From what I've observed, this child is being brought up completely without control. She's rude and undisciplined, like a little heathen. Look at the clothes she wears. Not even a dress!

Capt. January: What business is that of yours? Star is mine!

Mrs. Agatha Mogan: You forget that Star is adopted, Captain January. It's well within the power of the school authorities to have her taken away from you and placed in an institution.

Helen: Can you stop polishing and help me study for my school examination?

Capt. January: In a minute, honey. Ships and lives depend on this light being just so. Suppose this light had been out on the night you washed ashore, where would you be then?

Helen: Asleep in the deep.

Capt. January: What are the four Gospels?

Helen: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

Capt. January: Correct! Do you remember the story of the Prodigal Son?

Helen: He came home, and the father said, "Bring me the fattest calf and kill it, and let us eat and be merry."

Capt. January: But not everyone was merry, Star. There was another son and some neighbors. Who was sorry that the Prodigal Son came home?

Helen: The fattest calf!

Capt. January: Now listen Star, you've just got to pass this examination. You've just got to. It may mean they'll try to take you away from me if you don't. Now, I don't want to make you nervous...

Capt. Nazro: No, he don't want to make you nervous.

Helen: I'll do my best, Cap. I'm not worried.

Cyril Morgan: I'll bet you don't even know who discovered America.

Helen: Was it a sailor?

Cyril Morgan: I don't know. I guess so.

Helen: Cap did!

Cyril Morgan: He didn't do no such thing! Christopher Columbus discovered America, and I know when he discovered it, too... it was in 1492... you don't know NUTHIN!

The Widow Mrs. Eliza Croft: Wouldn't you like me to live here, so I could cut em all down to fit cha?

Helen: No, I'd rather grow up to fit the dresses.

The Widow Mrs. Eliza Croft: Oh! You mean you wouldn't like me to live here?

Helen: Well, I like you, but you see, I'm the lady of the house, and we couldn't have two ladies of the house.

Capt. Nazro: Miss Morgan is on her way here now with a deputy from Salem. You've got to beat it! You don't want them to take Star away, do you?

Capt. January: I'm not running away!

Capt. Nazro: Don't you understand? If they find you with Star, they'll take her away as sure as you're standing here!

Helen: What are they going to do to me?

Capt. Nazro: Don't be stubborn, January. You can fight later. In the meantime, take Star and hide out.

Deputy Sheriff: I've got an order here to produce that child before Judge Thompson.

Capt. January: All right, when do you want her?

Deputy Sheriff: Tomorrow afternoon at three.

Capt. January: All right, we'll be there.

Mrs. Agatha Mogan: You take that child right now! Don't you understand he's trying to sneak her out of the jurisdiction of the court?

Capt. Nazro: He's trying to do no such thing!

Mrs. Agatha Mogan: Then why is he on this boat? Officer, you're responsible for the custody of the child!

Deputy Sheriff: Maybe you're right. I can't take any chances.

Helen: Oh, Cap, don't let them take me away!

Paul Roberts: Here comes Star! Come on, Star, we've been waiting for you.

Helen: Can't now, Paul, I'm on government duty. Got a job yet?

Paul Roberts: No, but I've been promised one as soon as the halibuts start running.

Helen: I hope they start running soon.

Paul Roberts: Well, you can't rush a halibut.

Helen: Well, don't give up the ship.

Ira J. Slocum, storekeeper: Better watch out, Star. One day she'll tie a tow rope onto January, and you'll lose him.

Helen: Not while I'm in charge of the lighthouse. We need another case of brass polish. We need it right away.

Ira J. Slocum, storekeeper: [holding out a jar of lollipops] Here, have one on the house. They're all the same size, I checked.

Helen: I know, but the black ones last longer. Now don't forget about our special prize. You know I'm giving you all our trade.

Ira J. Slocum, storekeeper: I won't forget.

Mrs. Agatha Mogan: Disreputable sailors, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves, teaching a child to behave this way!

Helen: Don't be mad at them. They always have fun with me like this. Did you know that Captain Joe Ross can spit fifteen feet in a twenty-mile gale?

[Captain Joe Ross smiles at Mrs. Morgan]

Mrs. Agatha Mogan: Indeed!

Helen: And the skipper, the one with the accordion, once he killed three men with a table knife!

Helen: Ooh, it's Captain Nazro!

Capt. Nazro: Hello, honey.

Capt. January: Can't I give a birthday party around here without you barging in?

Capt. Nazro: Pipe down, you old caddywompus. I didn't come to see you. Come on out and see the birthday present I brung you, honey.

[They go outside. Capt. Nazro has brought a crane for Star's birthday]

Helen: [to the crane] Remember me?

Capt. Nazro: Why should the crane remember you?

Helen: Is it a crane? I thought it was a stork.

Helen: You're going to invite Captain Nazro to stay for my party, aren't you?

Capt. January: Well, I wasn't counting on it, but...

Helen: Goody! I'll fix an extra place.

Capt. Nazro: I'm here and I'm gonna stay for a while.

Capt. January: Oh, you are, are you?

Capt. Nazro: Yeah, I are. It's time I do some inspecting around this lighthouse.

Capt. January: They must be daft in Washington to make you an inspector. You probably don't know the difference between a telescope and a tarbell!

Capt. Nazro: The way you handle it, I guess there ain't any!

Mrs. Agatha Mogan: There seems to be some doubt about the child's age. You say she has the learning of a child of eight. Very well, we'll call her eight.

Helen: Maybe I'm only six.

Capt. January: I'll stand on eight.

Capt. January: Let's see what the next question is. Name three animals that live in very cold countries.

Helen: I know! Three bears and three seals.

Capt. January: No, Star, they mean three different animals.

Capt. January: Can you prove that heat causes things to expand?

Helen: What's expand mean?

Capt. January: Get bigger. Can you prove that heat makes things get bigger?

Helen: Of course it makes things bigger. The days are longer in the summer, aren't they?

Capt. Nazro: I guess that's the answer, all right.

Helen: I can do everything. I can sing and I can dance and I can read a ship's compass.

Helen: The past is one thing you can do nothing about.

Helen 2: You know how long I've been waiting? It's my turn Helen.

Helen: I can stop you.

Helen 2: You're just like her, you're weak.

Helen: I'm not.

Helen 2: Then what are we doing here?

Helen: This is the end.

Helen 2: For you.

Helen: For both of us.

Helen 2: She was a whore. She tried to kill me, but I hid, inside you. I kept you alive. All these years, with you, with your shit-stained waste of a life.

Helen: You're dead.

Helen 2: No Helen, I'm finally getting out of here, out of you. My turn Helen; my turn.

Officer David Caporizo: Oh, and did this killer use his hook to cut all your hair off?

Helen: No, he used scissors, asshole.

Helen: Listen, you little shit-stick-mayberry-ass reject. There's been a murder, and you are going to fry in hell if you ignore it!

Helen: Come sit in the back. I'll let you do things to me.

Helen: Well Bob, at summer's end I plan on moving to New York where I'll pursue a career as a serious actress. It's my goal to entertain the world through artistic expression. Through art I shall serve my country.

Helen: We should have a plan. Angela Lansbury always had a plan.

Julie: Helen, we killed a man and ruined the lives of everyone he knew.

Helen: I don't think we were that powerful Julie, you're giving us way to much credit.

Helen: Hey, its all about the hair. Don't you forget that. Especially when you become some big hotshot lawyer. Those professional types think its all about brains and ability and completely ignore the do

Julie: So, the do is vital, got it

Helen: By that time I'll just be finishing my two year contract with Guiding Light, coinciding with your first year as starting quarterback for the Steelers.

Barry: Cowboys.

Helen: Whatever. Then we can elope to Europe, or the Caymans, wherever, where I'll let you impregnate me with the first of 3 children before you head off to rehab. Then we can live happily, blah blah blah.

Julie: We need help.

Barry: I'll say. You two should check out a mirror sometime. You look like shit run over twice.

Helen: You're a prick!

Barry: A toast... to us, to our last summer of immature, adolescent decadence.

Helen: Somebody's buzzed.

Barry: We're going home now and never, ever, under any circumstances known to God speak about this again is that clear? It is now merely a future therapy bill agreed?

Barry: [screaming] Helen?

Helen: I'll never mention it again.

Barry: We make a pact, right here and now we take this to our grave.

Ray: Agreed.

Barry: Julie?

[Julie nods her head in agreement]

Barry: [livid] Don't you nod your head, you fuckin' say it.

Julie: [somber] Yeah okay.

Barry: [Barry runs and grabs Julie by the neck pushing her against the car] We take this to our grave, let me hear it.

Ray: Let her go, Barry.

Barry: You fucking say it!

Julie: Okay, Barry, we take this to the grave.

Helen: What happened to us? We used to be best friends.

Julie: We used to be a lot of things.

Helen: Yeah, Jodie Foster tried this and a skin-ripping serial killer answered the door!

Julie: Wait.

Ray: What?

Julie: Should we check his wallet and see who he is?

Barry: Why?

Julie: I don't know okay, just to know.

Helen: I don't want to know.

Barry: Let's just pretend he's some escaped lunatic with a hook for a hand and we're doing everybody a favor.

Helen: Christ already, I'll do it!

[dumps dead body in water]

Elsa Shivers: Hey you riding with me?

Helen: No tell mom I'll be home late.

Elsa Shivers: Ah is little miss Croaker getting sauteed tonight?

Helen: Oh a twit with a wit.

Elsa Shivers: Eat me.

Helen: Let's get the hell out of here!

[seeing Caleb run away]

Helen: Prospect?

Ilene: Not anymore.

Helen: There's too many fucking assholes!

Helen: Manfred? Where's his head?

Anthony: How many months are you?

Helen: Six months.

Anthony: That's nice. I should be going. I have a class I have to teach.

[He laughs while she looks freaked]

Anthony: You never know how your day is gonna turn out. Have a nice day.

Helen: How was school?

Anthony: What?

Helen: Nothing.