Hedley Lamarr Quotes in Blazing Saddles (1974)

Taggart: What do you want me to do, sir?

Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this down.

[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]

Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.

Taggart: [finding pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?

[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain]

Bart: Stampeding cattle.

Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.

Bart: Through the Vatican?

Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinkyyyy. Sign here.

Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.

Taggart: God darnit, Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.

Hedley Lamarr: Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry, sir, I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that.

Governor William J. Le Petomane: What?

Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned".

Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?

Hedley Lamarr: No, you *say* that, Governor.

Governor William J. Le Petomane: What?

Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned".

Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?

Hedley Lamarr: [sighs, then gives the governor a paddleball] Here, play around with this for awhile.

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Thank you, Hedy.

Hedley Lamarr: No, it's Hedley!

Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?

Hedley Lamarr: My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.

Taggart: Ditto.

Hedley Lamarr: "Ditto?" "Ditto," you provincial putz?

Hedley Lamarr: Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade to stamp out runaway decency in the west. Now you men will only be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor.

Hedley Lamarr: Repeat after me: I...

Men: I...

Hedley Lamarr: ...your name...

Men: ...your name...

Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] Shmucks.

[continues aloud]

Hedley Lamarr: ...pledge allegiance...

Men: ...pledge allegiance...

Hedley Lamarr: ...to Hedley Lamarr...

Men: ...to Hedy Lamarr...

Hedley Lamarr: THAT'S *HEDLEY*!

Men: That's Hedley!

Hedley Lamarr: ...and to the evil...

Men: ...and to the evil...

Hedley Lamarr: ...for which he stands.

Men: ...for which he stands.

Hedley Lamarr: Now go do... that voodoo... that YOU do... SO WELL...!

[Men shoot at the sky in joy and ride off]

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Thank you, Hedy, thank you

Hedley Lamarr: It's not *Hedy*, it's *Hedley*. Hedley Lamarr.

Governor William J. Le Petomane: What the hell are you worried about? This is 1874. You'll be able to sue *her*.

Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?

Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.

Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.

Applicant: I like rape.

Taggart: I got it! I know how we can run everyone out of Rock Ridge.

Hedley Lamarr: How?

Taggart: We'll kill the first born male child in every household.

Hedley Lamarr: [after some consideration] Too Jewish.

Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want. Wait a minute... maybe I could turn this thing into my advantage. If I could find a sheriff who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge that his very appearance would drive them out of town.

[looks into the camera]

Hedley Lamarr: But where would I find such a man?

[pause]

Hedley Lamarr: Why am I asking you?

Hedley Lamarr: Sign here.

[Bart reaches for the pen... revealing his black hands]

Jim: [quickly] Why, Rhett! How many times have I told you to wash up after weekly cross burning?

[licks his fingers, then rubs Bart's hand]

Jim: See, it's coming off.

[Taggart whips off Bart's hood]

Bart: And now, for my next impression... Jesse Owens.

[Runs off]

Taggart: I got it! I got it!

Hedley Lamarr: You do?

Taggart: We'll work up a Number 6 on 'em.

Hedley Lamarr: [frowns] "Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one.

Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a-whompin' and a-whumpin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.

Hedley Lamarr: You spare the women?

Taggart: Naw, we rape the shit out of them at the Number Six Dance later on.

Hedley Lamarr: Marvelous!

Governor William J. Le Petomane: [pointing to a member of his cabinet] I didn't get a "harrumph" out of that guy!

Hedley Lamarr: Give the Governor harrumph!

Politician: Harrumph!

Governor William J. Le Petomane: You watch your ass.

Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?

Gum Chewer: [chewing gum] Murder... armed robbery... mayhem...

Hedley Lamarr: Wait a moment. What have you got in your mouth?

Gum Chewer: [stops chewing] Nuff'm.

Hedley Lamarr: "Nuff'm", eh? Lyle!

Lyle: [searches the man's mouth] Gum!

Hedley Lamarr: Chewing gum on line, eh? I hope you brought enough for everybody.

Gum Chewer: [panicked] I didn't know there was going to be so many!

[Hedley shoots the gum chewer]

Jim: [hidden behind a rock] Boy, is he strict!

[the Governor is having trouble putting his pen back into its holder]

Hedley Lamarr: Think of your secretary...

[the pen goes straight in]

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Thank you. That's a good one.

Hedley Lamarr: If you will just sign this, Governor. Right here.

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Yes, yes. What the hell is it?

Hedley Lamarr: Well, under the provisions of this bill, we would snatch two hundred thousand acres of Indian land, which we have deemed unsuitable for their use at this time. They're such children.

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Two hundred thousand acres? Two hundred thousand acres? What'll it cost, man, what'll it cost?

Hedley Lamarr: [brings out a carton of paddleballs] A box of these.

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Are you crazy? They'll never go for it. And then again they might. Those little red devils... they love toys!

Hedley Lamarr: Gentlemen, please rest your sphincters.

Hedley Lamarr: As per your instructions, I'd like you to meet the new sheriff of Rock Ridge.

Governor William J. Le Petomane: I'd be delighted.

[extends his hand, then yanks it away on seeing Bart]

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Wow!

[whistles, then drops his voice]

Governor William J. Le Petomane: I gotta talk to you. Come here.

[grabs Bart and pulls him aside]

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Have you gone berserk? Can't you see that man is a ni...

[turns and sees Bart]

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Ha ha... wrong person. Forgive me. No offense intended.

[walks Bart back, then pulls Hedley aside]

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Have you gone berserk? Can't you see that man is a ni?

Hedley Lamarr: Wait a minute... there might be legal precedent. Of course! Land-snatching!

[grabs a law book]

Hedley Lamarr: Land, land... "Land: see Snatch."

[flips back several pages]

Hedley Lamarr: Ah, Haley vs. United States. Haley: 7, United States: nothing. You see, it can be done!

Governor William J. Le Petomane: What the hell is this?

Hedley Lamarr: This is the bill that will convert the state hospital for the insane into the William J. Le Petomane memorial gambling casino for the insane.

Governor William J. Le Petomane: [Standing up proudly] Gentlemen, this bill will be a giant step forward in the treatment of the insane gambler.

Hedley Lamarr: Lili. Lili, Lili, Lili, legs, Lili, Lili... I cannot finds the words to truly express my joy at the rekindling of our association.

Lili Von Shtupp: Bullshit. What's the job?

Hedley Lamarr: I love it when you talk dirty.

Hedley Lamarr: Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that property: the rightful owners.

Taggart: [shouting] We'll head them off at the pass!

Hedley Lamarr: Head them off at the pass? I hate that cliché!

[shoots his foot]

[Hedley arrives at Grauman's Chinese Theater]

Tourist Mother: [to her husband] Look, Irv. I'm in Hedy Lamarr's shoes.

Hedley Lamarr: [correcting her as he runs past them] HEDLEY.

Hedley Lamarr: Alright, I'm through being Mr. Goodbar, the time has come to act and act quickly.

Hedley Lamarr: [to Lili Von Stupp] Shut up, you Teutonic twat!

Hedley Lamarr: [Dying words, while looking down at Douglas Fairbanks' panel in the Grauman Chinese Theater forecourt] How did he do such fantastic stunts with such little feet?

Hedley Lamarr: Where's my froggy?

Hedley Lamarr: Elementary, cactus head.

Hedley Lamarr: [hurrying through the movie theater, he stops at the concession stand] Raisinettes!

Hedley Lamarr: [at the theater, cuts in front of a nun] You dropped your beads.

[heads to the cashier]

Hedley Lamarr: One, please. Uhh... student?

Cashier: Are you kidding?

Hedley Lamarr: [grumbling as he takes his ticket] Pain in the ass!

Hedley Lamarr: [speaking to Boris out the window] Well, do your best.

[hits his head on the windowsill]

Hedley Lamarr: Ahh!

Hedley Lamarr: [gives her a bunch of flowers] For you, my dear.

Lili Von Shtupp: Oh... how ordinawy.

[throws away flowers]