Heather Quotes in Highlander (1986)

[after some passionate sex]

Heather: You can do that to me forever if you like, my Lord.

Connor MacLeod: Aye! I will.

Heather: Don't see me, Connor - let me die in peace. Where are we?

Connor MacLeod: We're in the Highlands, where else? Running down a mountainside. The sun is shining. It's not cold. You've got your sheepskins on, and the boots I made for you. Good night, my bonny Heather.

Heather: [after having just had sex with Connor] You can do that to me forever if you like my lord.

[answering machine]

Heather: Matt, it's Heather. Are you there? Of course you're not there. You're never there. At least, not for me. Look, I didn't want to do this over the phone, but it's not like you've given me any choice. I mean, It's been three months, and I've never even seen your apartment. Every time we sleep together, I wake up in the morning alone. I mean, Jesus, where do you go at three o'clock in the morning?

[In Jason's dream, after being impaled to a tree with Jason's machete]

Heather: I should've been watching them, not drinking. not meeting a boy at the lake...

[Heather morphs into a dead boy killed by Jason in the past]

Dead boy on tree: I deserve to be punished...

[Dead boy morphs into a dead girl with her throat slit, another past victim of Jason]

Dead girl on tree: We all deserve to be punished...

Heather: It's been fun, Charlie.

[holding a gun on him]

Charlie: No no no, before you kill me, I want to tell you something. After we had sex, you farted in your sleep - like six times.

Heather: Yeah, well, no one but you will ever know that, because there's no way you're faking your way out of this, Charlie.

Heather: Do you see it anywhere?

Kyle: [sarcastically] Yeah I see it, but I'm keeping it a secret from you because I want you to be surprised.

Heather: Oh thank you for your thought of this Kyle. Really, it's always what I wanted in a boyfriend.

[the shark swims past the rear end of the car]

Heather: Oh! I can't handle this much longer. It may seem surprising, but I'm not equip to deal with this kind of situation.

Heather: [puts her dog in the back seat] Here Bulli, you need some space.

[the shark smashes into Kyle's side of the window, water starts to pour in]

Heather: Kyle do something, you have to do something!

Kyle: What! Like What! Ask the fucking thing to go away!

Teresa: [Sharp has a pizza delivered at dinner, while the girls all have homemade salads] What is that?

Roland Sharp: The Carnivore. Pepperoni, sausage, ground beef, ham and olive loaf all gathered together in one savory pie. With jalepenos. Want some?

Heather: Yes. No!

Roland Sharp: Extra thick crust.

Anne: I can't, I'm on the zone.

Roland Sharp: What zone?

Anne: The proper combination of protein, fat and carbohydrates.

Roland Sharp: This combination here is proper as hell.

Barb: I'm a total Atkins girl.

Evie: I'm on Weight Watchers, you'll probably blow all your daily points with just one bite.

Roland Sharp: This baby has one point and one point only, and that is tasting good.

Heather: ...like in Full Metal Jacket? That's my favorite movie.

Roland Sharp: My favorite movie is the Sound of Music.

Roland Sharp: You're not really the cheerleading type, are you?

Heather: For me, it's more penance than a passion. Religious ascetics wear a hair shirt, I carry the pom-poms. I don't know. I guess it's the duality of man, you know. "That Jungian thing, sir," Matthew Modine, Full Metal Jacket. Peace sign on one side of his helmet. "Born to Kill" on the other. It's my favorite movie.

Heather: [Barb is playing with her breasts in front of a mirror in an interrogation room] That is a two-way mirror, girl. People are watching you!

Barb: I know!

Anne: No, he means the other Texas Rangers, you know, like The Lone Ranger.

Heather: He had that cool Indian friend, what was his name?

Teresa: Tonto?

Barb: He was hot! Why don't guys wear loincloths anymore?

Heather: It's my job to unmask those who pretend to be who they're not.

Daphne: Unmask those? You sound like...

Heather: Sound like who?

Daphne: The Evil-Masked Guy. But you knew that. Because just as you know I'm standing here you know that I know who you know you are, which is him who's a her which is you.

Heather: Oh. Now I see what you're doing for the gang. You're in charge of incoherent bubbling.

Evil Masked Figure: Mystery Incorporated, once again you have proven useless before my power. Because of you soon Coolsville will be mine

Heather: darn it! thanks alot, the scoop of the night gone. can't you do anything right

Ozzie: I thought you were dead.

Heather: I learned from the best.

Ozzie: That's my girl.

RJ: Please don't think I'm prying, but I couldn't help overhearing, and I think I can shed a little light on what this whole hedge situation is about. You see, what was once mere wilderness is now 54 acres of man-made, manicured, air-conditioned paradise.

[Points at map]

RJ: Except for that little-bitty speck. You are here.

[All gasp]

RJ: No, no, that's a good thing. You're hibernators, right? You gather up a bunch of food, store it away for the winter?

Hammy the Squirrel: Aha! We fill the log!

Verne: Hammy.

RJ: Really? This log? This cave-like log?

Ozzie: All the way to the top.

Verne: Ozzie.

RJ: Let me ask ya, how long's it take, you know, to fill the log?

Heather: Two-hundred and seventy-four days.

RJ: Ooh! Ever done it in a week?

Verne: That's impossible.

RJ: Not if we work together. You see, you've got the food-gathering skills, I've got the know-how, and they have the food.

Heather: How much food?

RJ: Loads of food! Heaps of food! Food out the wazoo!

Verne: Well, you know, whatever kind of food comes out of a wazoo, I really don't think we're interested in eating.

Lou: I don't know. The guy's making a lot of sense to me. I think we should listen.

Penny: Yeah. I'm okay with wazoo food there.

Ozzie: You should have *died*! You should've just laid down and died!

Heather: Dad!

Verne: [when questioned about the food] I returned it to its rightful owner.

Ozzie: What?

Heather: We, like, worked our tails off, y'know? Like a lot! And the food we gathered was totally... you know! And you're, you're all whatever!

Ozzie: I really thought you were dead!

Heather: I learned from the best.

Heather: [to Verne] You're just a... whatever!

Heather: [Locked in a cage, about to be driven off for extermination] I don't want to die, Dad. Not for real...

Heather: Horton! We've all got our own little clovers with worlds on them!

Jessica: Mine is called Jessica-Land and everyone worships Queen Jessica because Jessica is so beautiful!

Katie: In my world,everyone's a pony nad they all eat rainbows-and poop butterflies!

Steve: This bites.

All: Yeah.

Heather: We should just go home.

All: Yeah.

Steve: At least at home they have cable.

All: Cable.

Arnold: Baywatch.

Guys: Baywatch.

Walter: Baywatch.

Donny: Shit, I never knew nobody who killed somebody.

Alice 'Ali' Willis: Me neither.

Heather: Just my grandpa. I never knew him. Yeah. My grandpa was a bad drunk. Really bad. He'd rape anyone dumb enough to walk by his room and one night... he got... um, really pissed at my grandma and he took a claw hammer to her face. And, uh, after that, he just... he locked himself up with her in his room for two whole days and he kept drinking and having sex with her after she was dead. My mom was in the house the whole time.

Donny: Fuck.

Heather: She was only 15.

Alice 'Ali' Willis: Holy shit.

Heather: You know, it really messed with her head. After that, she only hung out with guys who beat the hell out of her. And when I was little, she'd get drunk and she'd drag me and my brother out of bed at, like, four in the morning and she had all the news clippings about my grandpa and the trial transcriptions and she'd read them over and over again. And I knew every word before kindergarten. I think that's how I learned to read.

Heather: Is he dead yet?

Donny: Getting there.

Heather: [at the swamp] Are there any alligators in there?

Bobby Kent: I don't know, why don't you go skinny dipping and find out?

Heather: Got any tweak?

Donny: [laughs] How was rehab?

Steve Stifler: Choir chick! What the hell are you doing here?

Heather: Well, uh, I was asking Chris to the prom. So do you wanna go?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, that would be great.

Steve Stifler: Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Stifler, fuck! I mean, why do you gotta be so insensitive all the time?

Steve Stifler: What? Whatever.

Choir singer: [to himself] Just focus on the music, think melody, let the music be my guide.

Heather: Yeah, that'd be a start.

Heather: It's just like Hamlet said, "To thine own self be true."

Cher: Hamlet didn't say that.

Heather: I think I remember Hamlet accurately.

Cher: Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did.

Heather: The First Amendment gives us the right to say what we want.

Teacher: Oh, shut the fuck up.

[the killer attacks Heather, while Gail watches, recording]

Heather: Gail, please help me! Gail, please!

Gail Hailstorm: I'd like to help you out, kid, but it's sweeps!

Gail Hailstorm: Heather, has it ever crossed your little mind that your boyfriend was probably murdered, and you're about to be slaughtered next?

Heather: Really? No Way!

Gail Hailstorm: Way.

Heather: [On the phone to Oz] Oz what should I do now?

Stifler: [Also on the phone pretending to be Oz] Oh Heather baby. Why don't you tell me my dick is as big as Stifler's.

Oz: Stifler get off.

Stifler: I am getting off listening to the two of you. Keep going.

Heather: [Interrupted during phone call] Hey, Marco, could you get your balls off me?

[talking about soccer balls]

Oz: Hey, what the heck's goin' on over there?

Heather: Oh, those are just my flat-mates.

Sir James: Are there any ma-man in the house?

Heather: Nane but the Pipers. M'Daddy only liked the lassies.

Sir James: Your-your Daddy really was a diff-different man in Whitehall.

Heather: I'm Heather.

Meg: I'm Meg. Your bath is ready, Sir James.

Sir James: Thank you.

Heather: At the end of the passage.

Sir James: Very kind of you.

Heather: Let us help you out of your dirties.

Sir James: I think, I can manage.

Meg: We always helped Daddy.

Carrie: [eyes the boob cam] Beth's still in the truck.

Heather: What?

Carrie: Slut in truck!

Kate: DAMMIT!

Carrie: It's not that hard, uhm... when he speaks to you count to three in your head before you answer him.

Heather: Don't show any interest. Don't even look at him too much.

Carrie: Yeah yeah. You got it?

[long pause]

Carrie: I said you got it?

Kate: I was counting to three!

Beth: Not that slowly! We don't what him to think you're retarded!

Heather: So I talked to John. He was sweet. He felt bad for you. He said that you were jealous because we share something special. Something that we don't have to label because...

Beth: [interrupting] Because it's our unspoken bond and I just love how secure you are?

Carrie: And it hurts me to question it, because...

Heather, Beth, Carrie: [at the same time] ... YOU'RE THE ONLY GIRL FOR ME?

Heather: Damn! He said the same thing to all of us!

Beth: Figures. He makes up with us and he hooks up with us...

Carrie: [interrupts, whispers] You guys hooked up?

Beth: John and I share something special.

Carrie: Oh what, that they been both in your pants?

Beth: We share a vegan/nonviolent outlook on life.

Heather: [under her breath, coughs] Hippie slut.

Beth: [sarcastic] Oh nice, Heather. It's not like everyone doesn't know that little Miss Cheerleader brings it on.

Carrie: What, you too?

Heather: John and I belong together. He is the team captain and I am the head cheerleader.

Beth: Oh, I'm sorry, what kind of cheerleader?

Carrie: Oh, like he'd take either of you two seriously?

Beth: Do not lump me with her!

Heather: Oh so what, you're now better than me?

Kate: Shut up.

Heather, Beth: [peeved] What?

Kate: Sorry.

Heather: You got something to say?

Kate: No, it's none of my business.

[pause]

Kate: Okay, let me guess. Does he always use pet names like "Baby" and "Sweetheart?" Yeah, it's not out of affection, it's so he won't mix up your names. And he's all about an unspoken bond or something special, but never about a relationship. And the whole arrangement was your idea, so you feel guilty that he cheated.

Heather: Oh my God, you're dating John too?

Kate: No, I knew a guy like him... Skip.

Heather: John and I belong together. He's the varsity captain, and after all, I AM the head cheerleader.

Beth: Sorry what kind of cheerleader?

Heather: [to camera Carrie is holding] Hasta la vista mutha f...

Carrie: Stop!... with the rhyming!

Carrie: You know what, that was no accident!

Heather: He's mine!

[pushes Carrie]

Heather: Stay away from him!

Carrie: Oh you little brat!

[slaps Heather]

Beth: [tries to break Carrie and Heather up] Girls, peace and love! C'mon you guys are fighting over -...

Heather: We're fighting over John Tucker, he's mine!

Beth: [throws volleyball at Heather] OH!

Heather: What the hell is your problem?

Beth: I am dating John Tucker.

[Heather throws a volleyball at Beth but Beth ducks, it hits Kate instead. Carrie and Beth slap each other]

Coach Williams: [whistle] ENOUGH! Let's get back in the game.

[Beth pushes Carrie, then Heather pushes Beth. Coach Williams tries to break up the fight. Carrie throws the volleyball that was supposed to get Beth and Heather, but gets Coach Williams instead. The crowd groans]

Carrie: Darn it Coach!

[Heather throws a bag of volleyballs at Beth, but gets Kate in the stomach instead]

Carrie: Just let me get through. Just let me get them

Coach Williams: PUT THOSE BALLS DOWN!

[Heather throws the same bag of volleyballs and hits Beth. Beth in return throws random volleyballs, one hitting Carrie and one hitting Kate. Then Beth rolls the whole cart of volleyballs and it knocks over Carrie, Heather, Kate, and Coach Williams like bowling pins. Beth lunges herself on Heather. Heather, Beth, and Carrie fight on the gym floor]

Kate: [blows Coach Williams' whistle] This guy is cheating on all of you and instead of taking it out on him, you are beating the shit out of each other?

Coach Williams: LANGUAGE!

[Coach Williams gets up, angrily]

Coach Williams: DETENTION! You, you, you, and YOU! Honestly...

[points to Carrie, Beth, Heather, and Kate. Coach Williams leaves the scene disgusted. Even Kate beats a hasty retreat]

Beth: [peeved] Who is that?

Heather: I don't know. Pam Something.

Heather: John and I belong together. He's the varsity captain, and after all, I AM the head cheerleader.

Beth: Excuse me, what kind of cheerleader did you say?

Heather: [Kate answers her door and it's Heather] I want to bring down you know who.

Beth: [Kate answers her door again and it's Beth] Normally, I'm opposed to the slaughter of animals, but in John Tucker's case, I'll make an exception.

Kate: [now in the house] I don't even know him.

Beth: So, you don't even know anyone. You're like the Swiss, you're neutered.

Carrie: Um, it's neutral. Kate, if the three of us tried this alone, we would kill each other. You brought us here. You showed us that we have something in common.

Heather: Exactly. We all want to kill John Tucker.

Kate: Wow. Okay.

Carrie: She's right. I mean he always making me feel guilty.

Kate: It seems to me that if a guy treats you like that...

Heather: [interrupts] You'd break up with him, blah, blah, blah...

Beth: Even John would have another girlfriend in a second.

Kate: No, I didn't say break up. I'd get even.

[Carrie, Beth, and Heather look at her]

Heather: Who are you?

Beth: I know, you're that girl that wigged out last year and got sent to rehab!

Kate: No, I...

Beth: [interrupts] Then you got taken away from bulimia.

Kate: No.

Beth: Fat camp?

Kate: No. My name is...

Detention Teacher: [enters the library, interrupting] Hey, no talking!

Kate: My name is...

Detention Teacher: [interrupts] No talking!

Kate: You're Heather, right? I'm Kate.

Heather: So?

Kate: You're Heather right? I'm Kate.

Heather: So?

Carrie: [Carrie has realized that Beth is still in John Tucker's jeep] Oh my god! Beth!

Heather: What?

Carrie: Slut in truck! Let's go!

Heather: [first nanny] Children, as your new nanny, I know we're all concerned about the environment. So, this morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires.

Wednesday: Prevent them?

[lights a match]

Mrs. Montgomery: [second nanny] Alright children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer one simple question. Where is that baby?

Wednesday: Which part?

Polly/Nanny: [third nanny; holding up a puppet] Hello kiddies, I'm Polly the Puppet. What shall we do today? I know! Let's all clean our rooms!

Wednesday: [holding up devil puppet] Hello Polly, I'll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul.

Romy: Heather, um, has anyone ever told you that smoking can kill you?

Heather: No. No one. Thank you.

Heather: [attempting to light a cigarette, turns and sees the cowboy offering her a light] Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what do you want?

Cowboy: You were right, I was a brain dead redneck asshole. Though I never screwed a sheep or my sister.

Heather: Why not, couldn't catch 'em?

Heather: Why don't you tell everyone I said to go fuck themselves for making my teen years a living hell?

Heather: Do you live with Michele Weinberger?

Romy: Yeah.

Heather: I just figured she'd be married to Sandy by now.

Romy: Sandy Frink?

Heather: Yes, Sandy Frink! He could barely contain his erection every time she walked by! Why do you think he always carried around that huge notebook?

Romy: The Frink-a-zoid and Michele... I'm sure! Besides, didn't *you* have a thing for Sandy in high school?

Heather: I did not have a THING! I did not have a thing, I did NOT have a THING! I was VERY much in love with him! VERY much in love and there's a difference!

[to customer behind her]

Heather: There's a difference!

[to Romy]

Heather: There's a difference! I have to go now!

Heather: This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.

Michele: OK, I don't even know what you're talking about cause of those words, but come here.

[Heather thinks she's never made anyone's life hell]

Toby Walters: Since you never got around to it in high school, I was wondering if you would sign my yearbook. And please don't tell me to fuck off, because it really hurts my feelings.

Heather: I hurt your feelings?

Toby Walters: Yeah, all the time.

Heather: Tremendous! That's tremendous! Go get your stupid yearbook, I would be happy to sign it!

Heather: Wow, all that time you guys were making my life hell, the A group was doing the same thing to you! I had no idea!

Michele: You know? I bet in high school, everybody made somebody's life hell.

Heather: Nope, sorry, never had the opportunity.

Michele: I bet that's not true...

Heather: You think?

Michele: Oh, yeah, you were really unpleasant.

Heather: OK cowboy, I don't know what your trip is, but if this is some kind of a sick game... If you fuck with me, in any way, I will rip each and every appendage from your body, starting with your dick. Capice?

[the secret of her cigarette paper invention]

Heather: Twice the taste in half the time for the gal on the go.

Heather: [after the Cowboy says he wants to talk to her] Okay. What the hell! What is your name?

Cowboy: Clarence.

Heather: I like your hat, Clarence. Pick up the pace!

Romy: [reading the customer paperwork] Heather? Heather Mooney? From Sagebrush High in Tuscon?

Heather: [disinterested yet quietly anxious] Yeah?

Romy: [excitedly] It's Romy! Romy White!

Heather: [disinterestedly taking a drag from her cigarette] You're shittin' me.

Romy: No! This is so weird - I didn't know you were living in L.A.

Heather: Well, now that you know, will we be getting together a lot?

Romy: Well, anyways, are you going?

Heather: [referring to her cigarette] I'd rather put this out in my ass!

Heather: Why are you tormenting me? Why don't you go fuck a sheep, or your sister, or YOURSELF? Braindead redneck asshole!

Heather: What a waste of a tank of gas!

Heather: Hi!

Ed: Hi!

Heather: I'm a psychopath.

Ed: I'm Ed.

Heather: [very fast] Have small space aliens ever landed in your brain and told you to break into the zoo and free the kangaroos?

Ed: ...Not that I recall.

Heather: D'you think I'm cute?

Ed: Sure.

Heather: What's cute about me?

Ed: Uh... your head.

Heather: You have a cute head too!

Ed: Well, I try to keep it nice.

Dawn: Oh my God. I forgot to tell you something.

[long pause, during which Dawn stares into space]

Heather: Oh, she always does that.

Heather: Is lap dancing a style?

Heather: [looking at team] Ooo. Yummy little monkeys.

Heather: [gyrates her body] All this and brains, too!

[slaps her posterior]

Nikki: What the f*ck are you doing?

Heather: Swimming.

Nikki: Look, I'm sorry about what happened, but this is not f*cking cool.

Heather: What happened?

Nikki: I called you an asshole. I kicked you out. I called you a whore. I'm sorry.

Heather: [laughs] That's strange. 'Cause it seems like you and I are maybe playing the same cards.

Nikki: Yeah.

Heather: Last time I checked, you were living in a $5 million house. Now you're turning tricks for a sandwich.

Nikki: I'm not turning anything.

Heather: Tell me something though... out of everybody here, why her?

Nikki: I don't think you understand my situation, OK? I'm about to get evicted from the Sahara Motel Inn. I'm selling my near-mint sweaters for nine bucks. And that club sandwich is gonna be the first thing I've had to eat all day. I don't really have time to be picky.

Starsky: [Heather takes off her top and bottoms] So, did you uh... When did he... Did he... What... So Hutch do you got any more questions?

Hutch: Yeah, well, uh sure. We could... What's your sign?

Heather: Gemini.

Starsky: What uh... What do you weigh?

Heather: What does that have to do with anything?

Starsky: It has everything to do with anything and just answer the question please, ma'am.

Heather: Around 115 I guess, give or take. I wish I could be more helpful.

Hutch: Stop. Don't do that. You've been great. It's been terrific.

Heather: Anything else?

Starsky: I'm good.

Hutch: Yeah.

Starsky: Yeah.

Hutch: Thank you so much.

Mat Best: I just blacked out on freedom!

Jarred Taylor: I feel like I got buttfucked by Francis Scott Key!

Heather: Is there ever any dialog between you two that doesn't involve homosexual overtones?

Jarred Taylor: Not one... single... time!

Palmisciano, Nick: Hey man... you doin' alright?

Mat Best: Everyone's counting on me for everything... I'm not their leader. I'm not a leader. I'm... I'm not. And to be completely honest with you dude, I don't think I can do this shit anymore.

Palmisciano, Nick: Hey. I know the weight of the world is on your shoulders right now, but it's there for a reason. Most people quit the second things get hard. You don't. The annals of history are written on the backs of men like you. Men, who when faced with overwhelming odds, when they reach their breaking point, looked into the bowels of hell and smiled. Men who answered the bell for one more round. You're one of those men. We can do this. We can rise up against the impossible and save the world, but we CANNOT do it without you. We need Mat Best.

Mat Best: [starts laughing]

Palmisciano, Nick: Oh, Goddammit!

Mat Best: Got you, Motherfucker!

Palmisciano, Nick: Fuck!

Vargas, Vincent: Great West Point speech, Bro.

[laughs]

Palmisciano, Nick: Fuck off.

Heather: Did you just come up with that shit on the spot or what?

Palmisciano, Nick: [sadly] It's what we do...

Bruce: If you look at it, dogs have three basic needs. That's- that's eatting, sleeping, peeing and pooping.

Andi: That's four.

Bruce: No, I think peeing and pooping is one.

Heather: Uh, I've stepped in both and I have to disagree.

Heather: Barry, I saw you, you were kissing her.

Barry: Once, I kissed her once! God, it's like I can't talk to my friends anymore, I can't believe how posessive you are.

Heather: Oh right, I guess that's why you were feeling her up?

Barry: Look, guys need sex. It's bad for you if you get all worked up and then not get it, you can get "prostrate" cancer. Is that what you want?

Heather: Wait, wait, wait, I just thought of something so cool. What if we got into a wreck and we crashed into a car in front of us and we all died. They could write a song about it!

Heather: Because I told you, I'm a bitch.

Heather: Barry, wait stop... what if their murderers and they want us to follow them so they could hide behind trees and stab us, their could be dead people buried all around us and you'd never knew, and they'd lock us up in their cellars and no one will ever hear us.

Barry: That's dumb, there aren't any cellars in the houses around here.

Heather: All right don't call me dumb Barry, I may not be the smartest person in the world, but I'm not stupid.

Heather: I had these dreams about some murderer following me through the woods and it's coming true. I'm sorry but were all going to die. Like that murderer in Chicago, He killed people and put their hearts in refrigerators. He's gonna kill us, their gonna show our pictures of us naked with our hearts torn out in a current affair.

Heather: No, that's what they want, for us to go wandering around the dark... We need to stay here and start a fire.

Rose Lorkowski: [explaining her job] I mean because people don't realize the safety risks involved with the removal of - blood and body fluids.

Heather: I cannot imagine. You like it?

Rose Lorkowski: [bravely] Yeah. I do. Um, we come into people's lives when they have experienced something profound - and sad. And they've lost somebody, you know? And um, the circumstances, they're always different. But that's the same. And we help. In some small way we, um, we help.

Heather: But this is better 'cause it won't matter if we mess up. And we'll be together.

Heather: Hey Peter, Peter Swersey! We're going to give you a... Jimmy ha ha.

Rebecca: Do you know what that is?

Peter Swersey: Yeah.

Heather: No you don't 'cause I just made it up.

Heather: Mother, being gay is not a diagnosis. It's not a disease I'm going to recover from, or a phase I'm going to outgrow.

Elizabeth: I know what being gay is, okay? I give to gay causes. I support gay parades. They even gave me a plaque.

Heather: Yes! So why support them and not me?

Jibby Newsome: I'm

[pause]

Jibby Newsome: making love.

Heather: [moans] making love.

Jibby Newsome: You know what nobody ever told me 'bout making love?

Heather: What?

Jibby Newsome: How borin' it is.

Heather: Yeah!

Jibby Newsome: [pause] You can do anything you want. My safe word is blueberry pancakes.

Heather: What're you reading?

Nick: "Yuck!"

Heather: "Yuck!"? That's nice, isn't it?

Poppy: It's a classic, that.

Heather: [while dumping Gabbi] You know that we're not exclusive.

Gabbi: We're not exclusive?

Violet: [From Trailer] Our aspirations are pretty basic - take a guy who hasn't realized his full potential - or doesn't even have much...

Heather: Someone like Frank!

Violet: Yes. Then help them realize it or find more.

Heather: [to Lily] Speaking of suicide prevention, do you have a boyfriend, Lily?

Rose: Are you dating anyone?

Lily: I don't see the connection.

Heather: You don't?

Violet: Boyfriends are a primary suicide risk.

Heather: [about seventh-grade Violet] But you were nice to her?

Rose: No, not really. The idea of being nice to weird and unpopular kids hadn't arrived yet.

Heather: Could Frank be dyslexic?

Rose: No, dyslexics are intelligent.

Lily: Oh my god! How crazy! He's completely insane. I almost dated him!

Heather: You can say that about a lot of guys.

Heather: I'm sure I've heard of strategic development. I think it's something pretty important.

Rose: Call the cops, a suicide might be in progress!

Heather: You mean the *campus* cops?

Heather: [about Lily's friend] " Zavier " with a " Z? "

Lily: No, I think it's with an "X."

Heather: No, I'm certain it's a "Z." " Zavier " Like " Zorro. " It's the same sound.

[Draws a "Z" in the air with her finger]

Heather: Zorro marked his name with a "Z."

Lily: It's an "X."

Heather: But Zorro's with a "Z." I t's the same.

Violet: Okay, let's see if we can figure this out. Used at the beginning of a name, " Z " and "X" have the same pronunciation.

Heather: But it's Zorro- with a "Z."

Violet: Actually there were two " Zorros. " One spelt his name with a " Z " and made a " Z " mark for Zorro , the other one spelled him name with an "X" and with his sword he'd make an "X" mark . What was really unfair was that, because he marked his name with an "X", everybody assumed he was illiterate, when actually he was spelling correctly

Violet: I'm not convinced that having a "Suicide Prevention Center" prevents any suicides.

Rose: Well, the coffee's good.

Lily: If someone were really determined to destroy themselves, I don't think they'd stop for coffee.

Heather: I suppose it depends on what it tastes like.

Heather: I'm really worried about Thor... It's hard for us to imagine how upsetting it is not knowing what the colors are.

Rose: In fact it's impossible for me to imagine.

Heather: When Thor sees a rainbow - it's only so much gibberish to him. There was one this afternoon: Oh my gosh! He took it hard. Recently there was a parade in the city where the marchers carried rainbow- colored flags and banners. Thor was so upset: he said he'd no idea what it meant

Heather: Doar dorm has the university's highest fatality rate as well as the worst hygiene.

Lily: Highest suicide rate.

Violet: No, the highest fatality rate. It's not certain what percentage were intentional and how many were just due to a temporary unawareness of gravity's laws.

Violet: We've gotta keep in mind that these guys are young people. They're essentially immature and... crying out for help and guidance.

Rose: Though they don't know it.

Heather: No, they don't, but we do.

Lily: Um, but aren't they the same age as we are?

Rose: Only numerically.

Heather: Violet's identity is made up. I don't think she's crazy.

Violet: No, I am.

Violet: When you have problems yourself, it's great to hear about someone else's truly idiotic ones, please go on.

Heather: Wow!

Violet: What?

Heather: When you said that about depressed people being mean, you weren't joking.

[Would he still love her... ]

Heather: What if there was a pencil permanently sticking out of my eye?

James: Yeah, sure.

Heather: And when you got close to me, it sprayed eyeball juice all over you.

James: Well, could you learn to, like, aim it and use it as a weapon on our enemies? 'Cause if you'd do that, I would be interested.

Heather: Yeah, I could do that.

Big Lou Kritski: Heather, can I ask you something? How far did you go in school?

Heather: Oh, well when I was in high school I wouldn't even let a guy touch me. But when I got to community college, I turned pretty wild.

Heather: What is that smell? It smells like...

Louie Kritski: Piss.

Heather: Yeah, smells like piss, what is it?

Louie Kritski: It's piss. Drunks come in the hallway and they piss.

Heather: You let them pee in here?

Louie Kritski: It's not like they ask permission.

[last lines]

Jeff From I.T: Right lets get this show on the road

[WC accidentally causes him to be overwhelmed]

Heather: I guess we're not getting this show on the road

Heather: Brenda said that you killed your girlfriend.

King: Yeah, well Brenda says a lot of things. And I believe about... none of them.

Heather: What kind of a jail sentence do you think you can get for contributing to the delinquency of a minor?

Beth: Well all I can tell you is I think your cousin is gonna go home a little older and a little wiser.

Heather: Just as long as she doesn't go home a little pregnant.

Heather: Are you cheating on me?

Derek: Noooo

Heather: So you're not cheating on me?

Derek: You're starting to annoy me.

[first lines]

Heather: So even if Columbus got lost and wasn't the first to discover America, he's still my hero. He was really brave to sail in such a tiny ship over a really big ocean. And because of him, we get Columbus Day off of school.

Teacher: Thank you Heather. Uh, Ronnie? Tell us about your hero.

Ronnie - 11 years: [writes HACHIKO on the blackboard] Hachiko was my grandfather Wilson's dog. Everyone called Hachi a mystery dog because they never really knew where he came from. Maybe Hachi escaped from a dog pound. Or maybe he jumped out of somebody's car some place far away, like Florida or New Jersey. But no matter how, Hachi was lost.

[last lines]

Alec Hewett: To Terrance.

Eleanor Hewett, Chloe Hewett Wilton, Heather: To Terrance.

Alec Hewett: And all that sail on him.

Heather: One of the things I love about Venice, is that it's so safe for me to walk.

John Baxter: Steps.

Heather: Thank you... The sound changes, you see, as you come to a canal. And the echoes from the walls are so clear... My sister hates it.

John Baxter: That's too bad.

Heather: She says it's like a city in aspic, wrapped over from a dinner party, where all the guests are dead or gone.

Heather: Fetch him back! Let him not go!

Heather: So, are you my mom's boyfriend?

Billy Chapel: I'm not sure.

Heather: But you've slept with her.

Melinda Sordino: [voiceover] All that crap you hear on TV about communication and expressing feelings is a lie. No one really cares what you have to say.

Heather: So here's the plan. We join 5 clubs. One for every day of the week. Not like Latin club, but cool stuff. What do you wanna join? Hey, maybe we can tutor kids at the elementary school. What about your friends from last year? Don't you know Nicole?

Melinda Sordino: [voiceover] I wonder how long it would take for anyone to notice if I just stopped talking.

Heather: I *hate* being a Martha. You were *so* right not to join. I mean all I am is their little slave. Ok, it was supposed to be me and Meg and Siobhan decorating the Holiday Inn for prom and now Meg and Siobhan can't do it and I'm totally screwed! Mel, you *have* to help me! They have some sales meeting in there until like three but then they'll let us start and I *know* we can do it!

[Melinda gives a blank stare]

Heather: You are *so* great! I owe you *big* time! What if I help you redecorate your room? I know, a nice seafoam green!

Melinda Sordino: [hesitates] No...

Heather: Ok, or... something *rich* like, like eggplant!

Melinda Sordino: No, I mean, I won't help you.

Heather: But you have to.

Melinda Sordino: No, I don't.

Heather: But why?

Melinda Sordino: [now angry] Because I was nice to you... in the beginning of school... when I didn't even like you. And you blew me blew me off! Because you're a self centered social climber! And you know what? I know what I wanna do to my room and it doesn't involve "eggplant". I think you should go!

Melinda Sordino: [voiceover] We're studying American history for the ninth time in nine years. Every year they say we're gonna get right up to the present but we always get stuck in the industrial revolution.

Mr. Neck: My family has been in this country for over 200 years. We built this place. We fought in every war, from the first one to the last one, paid our taxes and voted. So tell me *why* my son can't get a job?

[a number of students raise their hand but he ignores them]

Mr. Neck: Reverse discrimination. He wanted to be a firefighter. Went up for the job but he didn't get it. What I'm suggesting here is maybe if we had closed our boarders in 1900 then real americans would get the jobs they deserved.

[the Native American student raises his hand but the teacher points to Heather]

Mr. Neck: Young lady.

Heather: Um, I think that we're all foreigners and should just give the country back to the native americans.

Mr. Neck: Now we have a debate, don't we? "Native Americans"?

black student: Maybe your son didn't get the job because he wasn't good enough. Or maybe he's lazy. Or maybe the other guy was just better than him.

Mr. Neck: Watch your mouth, mister. That's my son you're talking about. You know what? That's enough debate. Everybody take out your book.

[Dave stands up to speak]

Mr. Neck: Mr. Petrakis, please take your seat.

David Petrakis: If the class is debating then each student has the right to say what's on his mind.

Mr. Neck: I decide who talks in here, Mr. Petrakis.

David Petrakis: You opened a debate, you can't close it just because it's not going your way.

Mr. Neck: Watch me! Take your seat, Mr. Petrakis!

David Petrakis: The constitution does not recognize different levels of citizenship based upon the time spent in the country. As a citizen and a student I'm protesting the tone of this lesson as racist, intolerant, and zenophobic.

Mr. Neck: Sit your butt in that chair, Mr Petrakis, and watch your mouth! I try to get this debate going and you people turn it into a "race" thing. Sit down, Mr. Petrakis, or you're gonna go down to the principal's office.

[Dave walks out of the room]

Melinda Sordino: [voiceover] Dave Petrakis is my new hero.

Heather: This is really awkward. No matter what... no, I don't wanna say that. I mean, we kinda paired up at the beginning of school when I was new and didn't know anyone and that was really really sweet of you. But I think it's time that we both admit to each other that we're just very different people. I mean, I have my modeling and I like to shop...

Melinda Sordino: I like to shop.

Heather: You don't like anything. You're the most depressed person I've ever met. And excuse me for saying this but I think you need professinal help.

Melinda Sordino: So you're blowing me off because I'm a little depressed?

Heather: Once you get through this "life sucks" phase, I'm sure lots of people will wanna be your friend. But for right now, I don't think we should have lunch together.

loudspeaker: Attention, Merryweather students. The final tally is in. Bees 35. Icebergs 17. Hilltoppers 6. Wombats 84. We will now be the home of the Merryweather Wombats.

Heather: What rhymes with wombats?

loudspeaker: For those of you who didn't vote. Maybe you've learned a valuable lesson today about democracy.

[Melinda flips off the loud speaker]

[first lines]

Heather: Are you alright?

Rick: Are your parents still together?

Heather: Yeah, why?

Rick: My mother used to see this guy, Frank. He's was an illustrator, not that he had done anything. But he used to bring me these books, children's books, as gifts. He eventually uh, left my mom - most of them did. Anyway, he bought me this, this one book, and it was the only book that I begged my mom to read to me. It was called Ferdinand, Ferdinand the Bull. And he wrote on the inside, To a very special kid. And then, Life's a matador. And then signed, Frank. It's my favorite book.

Heather: [Mrs. Mac pulls out an ice scraper] What is that?

Ms. Barbara MacHenry: ...You're kidding me, right?

[from trailer]

Dana Mathis: Can't we just get on with this thing?

Ms. Barbara MacHenry: We have to open Billy's present first!

Heather: I'm really not okay with this. Buying a present for a serial killer?

Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Billy lived here.

[all but Heather laugh]

[Ms. Mac pulls out an ice scrapper in the snow covered car]

Heather: What is that thing?

[after receiving a disturbing anonymous phone call]

Lauren Hanon: What do you know about dealing with anyone but your Nascar daddy?

Heather: I'm goin' home.

Lauren Hanon: Go on, run home to daddy!

Heather: At least my family wants me home.

Heather: Call the police!

Lauren Hanon: Please. The police are gonna do shit about one wack job phone call.

Dana Mathis: Just dial *69.

Melissa Kitt: That just calls him back unless there's something you need him to clarify.

Melissa Kitt: [checks caller ID; the phone reads Clark Crosby] Caller ID says Clair's cell.

Heather: [looking at Lauren] You really shouldn't provoke someone like that.

Lauren Hanon: What would you know about dealing with anyone other than your nascar daddy?

Heather: I'm goin' home.

Lauren Hanon: [Heather walks through Melissa and Lauren, bumping Lauren's shoulder] Yeah, yeah. Run to daddy!

Heather: [turns around] At least my family wants me to come home.

Kelli Presely: You guys. Come on. It's like, Christmas time.

Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Yeah. Come on, Heather. What about your present?

Heather: [turns, continues walking] Give it to Billy.

Heather: [turns back around and Eve appears in front of her; she gasps]

Samantha: [Walks up to the table] Heard you been saying stuff behind my back, fire-crotch.

Heather: Now, Samantha, all I said was your breath smells like you've been drinking out of Ms. Mackinaw's douche bag, that's all.

[Samantha leans in threateningly]

Heather: I don't wanna kiss you, Samantha, so please, don't ask.

Samantha: No, you listen very closely, fire-crotch: We have a certain way of doing things aroung her and you better figure out what that way is or there are going to be serious consequences.

Ms. Traverse: [Ms. Mackinaw brings Heather into the office] What is this?

Ms. Mackinaw: Miss Fasulo attacked Miss Wise in the dining hall.

[Her head twitches]

Ms. Traverse: Is that so?

Heather: I didn't...

[she twitches intentionally]

Heather: ... attack anyone. I was just trying to defend myself.

[Ms. Mackinaw looks embarrassed and upset that Heather made fun of her twitch]

Heather: I'm sorry. I didn't meant to...

[Ms. Mackinaw twitches again and leaves angrily]

Ms. Traverse: [Slaps Heather] Now listen: We have a certain way of doing things aroung her and you better figure out what that way is or there are going to be serious consequences.

Samantha: [Heather kicks bathroom stall door to try and get out, Samantha has her pinned inside] Say it.

Samantha: [Heather kicks stall door again] Say it.

Samantha: "I'm a fire-crotch."

Heather: What?

Samantha: "I am a fire-crotch."

Heather: How many football players put it in you before your mom got sick of having another tramp around the house?

Girl #1: [Samantha pulls open the stall door angrily, then proceeds to punch Heather in the stomach] Nice one.

Samantha: [Heather is keeled over in pain] If you know what's good for you, you'll run away and never, ever come back.

Samantha: Got it, fire-crotch?

Heather: Apparently, my father isn't as well off as he presents himself.

Marcy Turner: Who is?

Heather: [on the phone] Mom, I just wanna come home. I miss my friends.

Alice Fasulo: Heather, sweetheart, you don't have any friends.

Alice Fasulo: I don't know what I have to do, to get you under control, Heather.

Heather: Then stop trying.

Leonard Marliston: Ben, I know you have a very different point of view on this tragedy, so go ahead.

Ben: Well, I would like to know if this killer removed any body parts or sexually defiled any orifice of the victim.

Cindy: You're tragically sick.

Ben: I wanna know because if he didn't, this loser deserves a thumbs down!

Heather: How can you be so insensitive?

Ben: Oh what, when you're like Mother Teresa? You're the one who told him to drop dead.

Dylan: You're only fooling yourself with this display of indifference.

Ben: Hey jackhole, you're not playing DeathQuake now, *this* is the real world!

Dylan: Fuck you.

Heather: One time in the eight grade, I told Rod to fuck off and die.

Heather: I don't want to be eaten by a cannonball!

Heather: I have lost everything, hope for a cure. I hope you miss me when I'm gone.

Tori: Sayonara, ghost bitch.

Heather: Rick, what would you say if I said I thought I'd heard voices coming from the basement?

Heather: [to Rick] ... there is something wrong in that house. Something evil!

Jeni: What ya doin'?

Heather: Nothing...

Jeni: Are you cutting class?

Heather: No...

Jeni: Yes you are. You're totally cutting class!

Heather: Yeah, well, so are you.

Jeni: You better not tell mom.

Heather: I think I can resist the urge.

Rod: I've been waiting for you.

Heather: How long have you been here?

Rod: Not long... Five thousand years.

Heather: Okay, that's long.

Heather: Rod, this is a bad idea.

Rod: What is?

Heather: This! taking my parents car. They're gonna kill me when they find out.

Rod: They're not gonna find.

Heather: I wanna go back.

Charity: It's too late for that, okay? We can't go back.

Heather: You know, there's still a chance. We can go back. My parents might not even find out about us stealing there car. If, we just turn back now.

Charity: We can't go back now, even if we wanted to.

Heather: I mean, if we just went over to Jeanine's she could talk him into stopping.

Charity: We're not going to Jeanine's! Okay?

Heather: I don't even wanna do this without her! Don't you understand my parents are going to kill me!

Charity: You're parents aren't going to find out.

Heather: What's that suppose to mean?

Charity: Look, to put it bluntly Heather... you're parents are dead.

Scott: That's Rod's seat.

Heather: I don't seen him setting in it, do you?

Scott: Just don't be sitting in it when he gets back, that's all.

Heather: You really are scared of him, aren't you?

Scott: I'm not scared of him!

Scott: I've got powers. Rod's given me powers of a vampire and stuff, and... I am not scared of anything!

Heather: I can feel your powers weakening.

Scott: My powers aren't weakening.

Heather: I am draining you of your powers.

Scott: Whatever, your don't know what you're talking about... And another thing - - What the fuck are you doing?

Heather: What the fuck does it look like? I'm going home!

Rod: I beat your father's head in with a crowbar, the one that's in the car. And your fucking bitch of a mother threw coffee on me, so I bashed her head in too. That's it.

[Pause]

Rod: Hey!

Heather: Get off me!

[Screams]

Andrew: When I was younger, I had this schizo relative - Uncle Victor. He's a pilot. He was... he was... in the U.S. Air Force.

Gina: They don't let schizos fly jets.

Andrew: He didn't start off like that. It wasn't till he claimed he was abducted by some sort of being, some being that said something was gonna happen to the Earth in the future.

Karla: And you expect us to listen to some loony abduction story out here?

Heather: Just let him continue. Please?

Cally: I never realised abusing a fool would be so much fun!

Heather: Of course it is! He is our outlet! Besides, it's not like he is a real person. People like him are like animals. They just drift on the outskirts of society, kept at bay, they merely exist for our amusement! Our clothing, our feeding!

Heather: How did she lose this much blood?