Hauser Quotes in Total Recall (1990)

[Douglas Quaid seeing his real personality on the screen]

Hauser: Now, this is the plan. Get your ass to Mars.

Hauser: Howdy, stranger! This is Hauser. If things have gone wrong, I'm talking to myself and you don't have a wet towel around your head. Now, whatever your name is, get ready for the big surprise. You are not you, you're me.

Douglas Quaid: [to himself] No shit.

Hauser: All my life, I worked for Mars Intelligence, I did Cohaagen's dirty work. But then I met someone, a woman. She taught me a few things, like I was playing for the wrong team. All I can do now is make up for it. You see...

[Points to his head]

Hauser: ...there's enough shit in here to fuck Cohaagen good. But if you're hearing this, it means is that he's got to me first. Now, here comes the hard part, old buddy. Now it is all up to you.

Douglas Quaid: [displeased] Great...

Hauser: Now, let's start by getting that bug out of your head.

[shows the nose device]

Hauser: Take this out of the case, and stick it up your nose. Don't worry, it's self-guiding. Just shove real hard.

[Quaid takes a deep breath, and sticks the nose device up his nose]

Hauser: When you hear a crunch, you're there. Now, pull it out. Be careful! That's my head, too.

[Quaid screams in pain while Hauser grins, then Quaid pulls out the bug]

Hauser: This is the plan. Get your ass to Mars, and go to the Hilton Hotel and flash the fake Brubaker I.D. at the front desk, that's all there is to it. Just do as I tell you. You can nail that son of a bitch that fucked you and me. I'm counting on you, old buddy. Don't let me down!

Hauser: Howdy, Quaid. If you're watching this, that means that Kuato is dead, and you led us to him. I knew that you wouldn't let me down. Sorry for all of the shit I've put you through, but hey, what are friends are for? All I want to do is wish you happiness and good living, old buddy, but unfortunately, that's not gonna happen. You see, that's "my" body you have there, and I want it back. Sorry for being an Indian giver, but I was here first. So, adios, amigo!

[the screen zooms out to reveal Cohaagen, who puts his hand on Hauser's shoulder]

Hauser: And thanks for not getting youself killed. Maybe now, we will meet in dreams, you never know.

Hauser: You're lucky I like you.

Cliff: Who me?

Hauser: No him!

Cliff: Oh

Hauser: I love you... you're my little brother come here and give me a hug... get you're ass over here

[Cliff hugs him]

Cliff: [Suddenly stops driving the car] I wanna talk about mom

Hauser: I don't

Cliff: You said I shot mom, but I distinctly remember I was in the bath tub. So how can I have shot mom if I was in the bathtub? It wasn't me who shot her was it?

Hauser: Don't look at me like that! I couldn't let her keep on touching you in that way. I covered you, you covered me remember? That was our game!

Cliff: Our game?

Hauser: [crying] Our game!

Hauser: [on why's in prison] I thumbed arrive from kansas to see my brother, I haven't seen the boy in seventeen years. Sheriff thinks that's not a good idea. Because the last time we were together caused a little bit of a problem... so here I am... till I decide to leave town.

Hauser: Really wanna get out of those cuffs? What you do is, grab your hand and twist 'til you hear a crack. Slides right through. Only problem is... fuck up your golf game. I used to shoot in the low eighties. Now

[practices golf swing, winces at his hand]

Hauser: lucky if I break a hundred.

Hauser: Why'd you kill Vinnie?

Shane: He was trying to kill me.

Hauser: That sounds like Vinnie.