Harry Quotes in John Wick (2014)

Harry: Don't worry.

[tears off her gag]

Harry: Housekeeping will find you.

Ms. Perkins: Treat all your ladies like this?

Harry: You are no lady. Trust me.

Harry: Do I know you?

John Wick: I'm thinking so.

Harry: Hey, John.

John Wick: Hey, Harry.

Harry: Everything all right?

John Wick: Yeah. Everything's fine.

Harry: I'll leave you to it, then.

John Wick: Hey, Harry? You keen on earning a coin? Babysitting the sleeping one?

Harry: Catch and release?

John Wick: Catch and release.

Harry: You've broken the rules. You've done business on Continental grounds, and management does not take kindly to that sort of behavior.

Ms. Perkins: Fuck management.

Harry: Hey, I like your cardboard armor.

Vernon: It's protection from infection.

Dr. Banks: [going through the roughnecks' medical reports] Fail. Fail. Depressively fail! One toxicology analysis revealed ketamin, that is a very powerful sedative!

Harry: Sedatives are used all the time, doctor.

Dr. Banks: Well this one's used on horses.

Harry: Some of these guys are pretty big.

Dr. Banks: [to Truman] You know, it would normally take 18 months to psychologically prepare pre-screened, viable subjects for space travel. We have seen evidence of a wide fariety of territorial aggression.

Dan: Can they *physically* survive the trip? That's all I need to know here, okay?

Dr. Banks: Personally, I don't know how they survived the tests.

Colonel William Sharp: It takes two people to fly this thing. Either we all stay and die, or you guys draw straws.

Rockhound: I say we all stay and die.

[pause, everyone looks at Rockhound]

Rockhound: But that's me.

AJ: I'll draw. Let's draw.

Harry: Nobody's gonna draw straws. I'll stay and take care of it.

Chick: Well, I can't live with that sort of thing.

Lev Andropov: Nobody asked you if you could live with it, all right?

Lev Andropov: Bullshit! No way I will let you volunteer for this, so I can go back to my home country like the man who did not volunteer! No way!

Bear: Hey man, let's draw, and let's see who's gonna stay up here and dance.

Rockhound: Hey guys? I-I know you guys think I'm crazy right now but, I would really like this responsibility.

Harry: All right. All right.

Rockhound: I can do it!

Harry: Let's just draw straws and get it over with. Come on.

Chick: I ain't drawin' against you, Harry.

Harry: Well, I'm gonna draw against you Chick, so you better just go ahead and do it.

[They draw straws]

Chick: Just gimme this thing.

Lev Andropov: [Lev looks at the straw he has drawn] Is this good, or bad?

[A.J. has drawn the short straw]

AJ: Oh man. Well, we all gotta die right? I'm the guy who gets to do it saving the world.

Grace Stamper: Hi Harry.

Harry: I have repeatedly asked you to call me dad.

Grace Stamper: Sorry Harry.

Douglas Quaid: Ever heard of Rekall? They sell those fake memories.

Harry: Oh, "Rekall, Rekall, Rekall." You thinking of going there?

Douglas Quaid: I don't know, maybe.

Harry: Well, don't. A friend of mine tried one their "special offers," nearly got himself lobotomized.

Douglas Quaid: No shit?

Harry: Don't fuck with your brain, pal. It ain't worth it.

Douglas Quaid: I guess not.

[Continues jackhammering, Harry watches in disbelief]

Harry: Hey, Quaid.

Douglas Quaid: Harry.

Harry: How was your trip to Mars?

Douglas Quaid: What trip?

Harry: You went to Rekall, remember?

Douglas Quaid: I did?

Harry: Yeah, you did. I told you not to, but you went anyway.

Douglas Quaid: What are you, my father?

Douglas Quaid: What the hell is going on? What the fuck did I do wrong? Tell me!

Harry: You blabbed, Quaid! You blabbed about Mars!

Douglas Quaid: Are you crazy? I don't even know anything about Mars!

Harry: You should have listened to me, Quaid. I was there to keep you out of trouble.

Douglas Quaid: Harry, you're making a big mistake. You got me mixed up with somebody else.

Harry: Uh-uh pal, you got yourself mixed up with...

[Quaid kicks him in the chest, commencing the fight]

[Harry is under the influence of a truth serum,in private room located on a deserted island]

Samir: Is there anything you'd like to tell me before we start?

Harry: Yeah. I'm going to kill you pretty soon.

Samir: I see. How, exactly?

Harry: First I'm going to use you as a human shield. Then I'm going to kill this guard over here with the Patterson trocar on the table. And then I was thinking about breaking your neck.

Samir: And what makes you think you can do all that?

Harry: You know my handcuffs?

Samir: Mmm-hmm.

Harry: [holds up his hands] I picked them.

[Samir gasps. Harry springs up from his chair and grabs Samir, using him as a shield while he kills the guard, then breaks Samir's neck]

Helen Tasker: Have you ever killed anyone?

Harry: Yeah, but they were all bad.

Harry: [holding Simon at the edge of an aquaduct] Son of a bitch, Did you think you can elude us forever, Carlos, huh?

Simon: Hey, you got the wrong guy! My name's Simon! Just let me go. There's no need to kill me. I haven't seen your...

[Harry and Gib remove their masks]

Simon: face. No, no, no I didn't see it, I didn't see it!

[realizes that it is Harry]

Simon: Oh, it's you! Hey, you still interested in that 'Vette at all?

Gib: Hey, Carlos? Game's over. Your career as an international terrorist is well documented.

Simon: No...

Gib: -Oh, yeah.

Simon: No...

Gib: Oh, yeah!

Simon: No!

Gib: OH, YEAH!

Simon: No, I sell cars! That's all! C'mon, I'm not a terrorist. I'm actually a complete coward, if I ever saw a gun, I'd...

Harry: [Harry takes his gun out and points it in Simon's face]

Simon: [Whining and pleading] Oh God, no, please don't kill me. I'm not a spy. I'm nothing. I'm navel lint! I have to lie to women to get laid, and I don't score much. I got a little dick, it's pathetic!

[Harry and Gib gave Simon a weird look, then Simon pees his pants]

Simon: Wha, uh, oh God. Would a spy pee himself, huh? Please, I'm not worth a bullet. Oh, mercy sir!

Harry: [Disgusted] Get the fuck out of here. Just go, just beat it.

Simon: No, no, as soon as I turn, you're gonna shoot me! You're gonna shoot me, you're gonna shoot me, you're gonna shoot me!

Gib: [Gib and Harry get into their van] Get lost, dipshit.

[fires a few rounds into the ground near Simon]

[while preparing to fire a Harrier missile, from which Salim Abu Aziz is hanging from]

Harry: [presses the button] You're fired!

[Salim Abu Aziz reveals a nuclear weapon]

Salim Abu Aziz: Do you know what this is?

Harry: I know what this is...

[Salim smiles]

Harry: This is an espresso machine.

[Salim frowns]

Harry: No, no wait. It's a snow cone maker.

[Salim approaches Harry]

Harry: Is it a water heater?

Simon: [hitting on a woman at the party] Here, let me pour you some more champaigne. I gotta keep up the waiter bit, these stakeouts can be a little tricky you know, you never know if things can explode to a life or death situation, just stay low and I'll contact you later. Maybe you should give me your tele...

Harry: [puts his hand in Simon] So, we meet again Carlos.

Helen Tasker: [puts her lipstick case under Simon's chin] Honey, I'm gonna do him right here.

Harry: [proudly] Go for it.

Simon: Oh god.

[pees in his pants]

Helen Tasker: Fear is not an option.

[Simon runs out of the party nervously screaming]

Harry: [driving in their SUV] You tell on me, I tell on you.

Gib: What are you talking about, I'm as clean as a preacher's sheets. I'm as clean as...

Harry: What about that time you blew a six-week operation because you were too busy getting a blow job?

Gib: You knew about that?

Harry: Uh-huh.

Harry: [over the radio, riding in the middle of a park] Make it quick because my horse is getting tired.

Gib: [over the radio] Your horse?

Gib: [over radio] All right twinkle toes, what's your exit strategy?

Harry: I'm gonna walk right out of the front gate.

Gib: [over radio] Ballsy. Stupid but ballsy.

[about Harry's daughter, just having entered the fake computer company]

Gib: Do you think she's still a virgin?

Harry: Dont be ridiculous, she's only - -what is she now?

Gib: She's fourteen!

Harry: She's fourteen years old!

Gib: Yeah, and her little hormones are going off like a car alarm.

[Harry has just returned from Helen's office and is shell-shocked]

Harry: Helen... Helen...

Gib: Helen...?

Harry: Helen...

Gib: It's got something to do with Helen, I'm guessing.

Harry: Helen...

Harry: [on the sidewalk next to their SUV] Helen... is having an affair!

Gib: [hugs him] Welcome to the club, man!

Harry: [Loopy from the truth serum he's been given, in private room located on a deserted island] Ask me a question I would normally lie to.

Helen Tasker: [panicky] Are we gonna die?

Harry: Yep!

Helen Tasker: I'd say it's working.

Harry: They're gonna shoot us in the head or they gonna torture us to death or they gonna leave us here when the bomb blows up...

Helen Tasker: Harry!

Simon: [leaning on Simon's corvette, having lunch] Okay, just ask yourself: What do women really want? You take these bored housewives, married to the same guy for years, they're stuck in a rut, then need some release! Promise of adventure, a hint of danger. I create that for them.

Harry: So basically, your lying your ass off the whole time. See, I can't do that.

Simon: What are you, a boy scout? No, no, no, think of it as playing a role as fantasy. I mean, you got to work on their dreams. Get them out of their daily surburban grind for a few hours.

Harry: But what about their husbands?

Simon: Dickless! I mean, let's face it, if they took care of business, I'd be out of business! You know what I mean?

[laughs]

Harry: [fake laughs] Those idiots!

Harry: [referring to Helen] So who are you working on right now?

Simon: I always got a few on the line. But there's this one chick I got right now. I got her panting like a dog. Its great.

Harry: What does she do?

Simon: Some sort of legal secretary. Married to some boring jerk.

Harry: Married to some boring jerk.

Simon: Aww, but she could be so hot if she wanted to. She's like all these babes, you get their pilot lit, they could suck start a leafblower. And she's got the most incredible body too and a pair of titties that make you wanna stand up and beg for buttermilk. Ass like a ten year old boy! AHAHAHAHA!

Simon: [Harry punches him in the face instantly breaking Simon's neck and the daydream ends] AHAHAHAHAHA!

Harry: [viewing Aziz and his behind the railing on one of the upper balconies,trying to translate for Helen what Aziz is saying] In 90 minutes, the holy fire, will light up the skies.

[the terrorists are covering the nuclear warhead with an american flag and cement]

Harry: We will tell the the whole world, that we speak, the truth. No force can stop us now, we're cool, we're badasses, blah, blah, blah.

Helen Tasker: Honey, if we're on an island, why are they using trucks?

Harry: We must be in the Florida Keys. These are the islands that have highways that connect the islands to the mainland.

Helen Tasker: There's no borders, no customs. They can go anywhere in the U.S. They're will be no one to stop them.

Harry: But, us. Here take this

[hands Helen an Uzi]

Helen Tasker: [nervously] Oh, shit.

Simon: [trying to sell Harry a Corvette with Simon driving] You see, it's not just a car. It's a total image. An identity you have to go for. This isn't some high-tech sports car. Tell you the truth, it doesn't even handle that great. But that's not the idea, is it? What are we talking about here? Pussy, right?

Harry: [fake laughs] Absolutely.

Simon: Let's face it, Harry. The 'Vette gets 'em wet.

Harry: [talking through microphones and speakers] The code name of your assignment will be... Boris. And your code name will be...

Helen Tasker: [hopeful] Natasha?

Harry: No... Doris.

Gib: [on the floor of the fake computer company] Care to tango?

Faisil: Yes, I would.

Harry: [they start dancing] Assholes.

Harry: Well, you see, this is the problem with terrorists. They're really inconsiderate when it comes to people's schedules.

Party Guard: [on the driveway of the castle] Can I see your invitation?

Harry: [takes out a cigarette case and presses a button on it] Sure, here's my invitation.

[blows shed sky-high]

Harry: [Harry is reading the tapped phone conversations from Helen, notices something, and quickly pulls the car over to the side of the road and up onto the curb]

Gib: [getting out of the passenger side] My turn to drive?

Harry: Give me the page!

Gib: What?

Harry: This jumps from page 9 to page 11, where's page 10?

Gib: [looks at paper] Must be a typo.

Harry: [shouts, breaks the window with his bare fist] Give me the goddamn page!

Harry: ok

[Gib looks at the window, and quickly grabs page 10 from his coat]

Harry: OK.

Harry: [to Juno, on her private plane] There *is* no us, you psychopathic bitch!

[Harry returns to the van after escaping the castle]

Harry: Hi guys.

Gib: Well that worked real good. Right out the old front gate.

Harry: Can you lean back a second...

[Harry shoots two remaining pursuers]

[Harry lights up a cigarette and starts coughing]

Gib: [over the radio] Dickhead.

Harry: [over the radio, walking on the street] Blow me.

Harry: [translating the terrorist celebrations for Helen] ... We're cool, we're badasses, blah, blah, blah.

Harry: [regrettably to Helen] What can I say? I'm a spy.

Gib: [to Harry, who thinks his wife is having an affair] Hey, Harry. Listen, Helen still loves you. You know, she just wants to bang this guy for a while. You know? It's nothing serious. You'll get used to it soon...

Harry: [slams him up against a car] Stop cheering me up!

Harry: Put a tap on her phone.

Gib: What are you talking about? I already did that.

Harry: I'm talking about Helen's. Put a tap on her office line and the line to my house. Do it NOW.

Gib: Okay. All right. Just come over her. Sounds great. I just wanna ask you about something.

[takes him aside]

Gib: I got two words to describe that idea, in-sane. An unauthorized wire tap is a felony, pard...

Harry: [slams him up against the wall] And we're doing it twenty times a day! So don't give me that crap.

Howard Payne: See, I'm in charge here! I drop this stick, and they pick your friend here up with a sponge! Are you ready to die, friend?

Harry: Fuck you!

Howard Payne: Oh! In two hundred years we've gone from "I regret but I have one life to give for my country" to "Fuck you!"?

Harry: [drunk] Well, I'm gonna go home, have some sex.

Jack: Harry, you're gonna go home and puke.

Harry: Well that'll be fun too.

Harry: Guts'll get you so far, then they'll get you killed.

Jack: [after contemplating a solution] Maybe we can do something about these hostages.

Harry: We're not gonna shoot them, right?

Robin: [Shows Harry a newspaper clipping] Howard Payne, Atlanta P.D. Bomb Squad! Retired to Sun Valley in 1989 when a small charge left him with fingers numbering nine!

Harry: That's our SCUMBAG!

Bernard: Hey hold a minute! Hold a minute! Come on, you guys! There's no need for all this violence! I mean, it's a simple problem, really! Harry, look, I know you worked hard to own your own store, and you feel you should have a right to serve whoever you want to. Right?

Harry: Right.

Bernard: OK! Well if little Miss Up Yours here feels that - if she wants you to serve her nonwhite friends, well you damned well better serve her nonwhite friends. That doesn't sound like an *insurmountable* problem. Hey hey Dinosaur, bring me some of that flour over there. The simple solution is simply to make Miss Up Yours' nonwhite friends: white!

[pours flour on the head of one the Indian girls]

Aviva Masters: He works for Little Gustave too.

Harry: So many of us lead double lives. In the city I'm just another functionary, but in the bush, I am God.

Tim Manfrey: He is Little Gustave.

Harry: [Robin wants to give the money to the poor] Give it away? All of it? You must be crazy!

Harry: [Holds up a living snake] I'll bite its head off, for a pack of cigarettes!

Raquel: When are you gonna introduce me to Cherry? I bet we have a lot in common.

Harry: I don't like women messing around with women. It's un-american.

Harry: [yelling] You Frontier Hippy!

Harry: You're really far out, you know that? I mean we go out to that house and let them know we are lookin' to get killed, and all of a sudden your sittin' on top of the world like your King Shit! Man, you're weird Slaughter, I mean goddammit, you're just weird!

Slaughter: [holding up his gun] You got your shit?

Harry: Yeah, I got it.

Slaughter: Well... I got mine... Come on!

Harry: I said 'get fucked', you great beer-sodden bag of shit!

Sergeant-Major: Right, you're all on a charge.

Harry: Well, you'd better make it murder, because I'm gonna knock your fucking head right off.

Bung: You reckon we're doing any good by being here?

Harry: Not much.

Bung: Why not?

Harry: Because when we get home we'll be an embarrassment to our great nation, the only bastards who'll want to know about us are the silly buggers in this man's army; let's face it, we have no one else.

Bill: You mean the whole attitude has changed about the war?

Harry: Yeah, and the fact that we won't win it; we may have held the fort for a while but the Commos will eventually get hold of this place and it just stands to reason.

Bung: What about the people back home?

Harry: Well I suppose it'll be just like it's been after every other war.

Bill: Well how's that?

Harry: Well a few pods will come up and pat you on the back and tell you what a great bloke you were, that'll last about a week and then nobody will want to hear about it.

Bung: You really think they'll treat us like that?

Harry: Five'll get you ten, oh they'll make a big deal out of it, probably make it an election issue and you can bet within five years every one of us wearing a uniform from the chief of the general staff downwards would've been sold out by some bloody sticky-fingered politician.

Bung: Well what are we doing here then?

Harry: You're a soldier, the same as every other silly prick in this tossed up, fucked up, never-come-down land, that's why you're here because there's no one else, and everyone's got to be somewhere and you're here, so get used to it.

Harry: It's the poor man, the shit-shoveler with the arse out of his pants and two bob in his pocket that makes Australia. Every time trouble starts, there he is, standing like a fool at the recruiting office with his hand out for a rifle, while the rich boys are at home hanging on, waiting for a commission or their fathers to get them into a safe job. And while you're stuck overseas with some poor bastards from the other side, who are just as scared as you are, shooting at you, the rich boys are at home probably down having a bit of a slum or a chop at yer bird.

Bill: [trying to drink a can of beer] I can't find the hole.

Harry: You could if it had hair 'round it.

Bung: Ah, do I detect the unmistakable tang of ye olde Tiger?

Harry: Bung, you could sniff out a can of beer from half a mile away.

Bung: Just one of my many talents.

Harry: Bloody rain, you can set your watch by it!

Rogers: What'd ya say, Harry?

Harry: This rain. You can set your watch by this fuckin' rain!

Harry: [to Bill] Did you hear about the Irish girl who took the Pill twice a night?

Dawson: To be sure, to be sure.

Harry: To be sure, to... be... sure.

[Gives Dawson a dark look]

Harry: Hey Cookie, do you know why they call cooks fitters and turners?

The Cook: No, why?

Harry: 'Cos you fit food into pots and turn it into shit.

The Cook: Up your arse!

Harry: Uh, be nice to me Cookie or I'll piss in your scrambled egg.

Rogers: Hey Harry, we'll stir up the indigenous population when we get there, eh?

Harry: Remember what the man said Rogers. You are the Special Air Service, you are visitors to South Vietnam.

Scott: Better it's over there and not here.

Medic: What do ya mean?

Scott: That we're visitors.

Dawson: Yeah, I can just see my mums face now if old missus Wilson from next door came over for a bit of a natter and sprayed up the place with a seven-point-six-two tracer.

Harry: Scare the Christ out of your flying ducks, wouldn't it?

Harry: They're Spaniards! I know their stink!

Hagrid: You're a wizard, Harry!

Harry: I'm a what?

Ron: [Harry and Ron arrive late to Transfiguration, relieved that Professor McGonagall isn't there yet] Whew, made it. Can you imagine the look on old McGonagall's face if we were late?

[the cat sitting at the head of the class suddenly transforms into her]

Ron: That was bloody brilliant!

Professor McGonagall: Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr Potter and yourself into a pocket watch? That way, one of you might be on time.

Harry: We got lost.

Professor McGonagall: Then perhaps a map? I trust you don't need one to find your seats.

Mr. Ollivander: Curious... very curious...

Harry: Sorry, but what's curious?

Mr. Ollivander: I remember every wand I've ever sold, Mr. Potter. It so happens that the phoenix whose tailfeather resides in your wand gave another feather... just one other. It is curious that you should be destined for this wand when its brother gave you that scar.

Harry: And who owned that wand?

Mr. Ollivander: We do not speak his name! The wand chooses the wizard, Mr. Potter. It's not always clear why. But I think it is clear that we can expect great things from you. After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things. Terrible! Yes. But great.

Hermione: You'll be okay, Harry. You're a great wizard. You really are.

Harry: Not as good as you.

Hermione: Me? Books and cleverness. There are more important things: friendship and bravery. And Harry, just be careful.

Dumbledore: Harry, do you know why Professor Quirrell couldn't bear to have you touch him?

[Harry shakes his head]

Dumbledore: It was because of your mother. She sacrificed herself for you, and that kind of act leaves a mark.

[Harry reaches up to touch his scar]

Dumbledore: No, no. This kind of mark cannot be seen. It lives in your very skin.

Harry: What is it?

Dumbledore: Love, Harry. Love.

Hermione: [after Hermione and Harry sink in the Devil's Snare, Ron is still panicking] He's not relaxing, is he?

Harry: Apparently not.

Hermione: I've gotta do something!

Harry: What?

Hermione: Oh, I remember reading something in herbology... um...

Ron: Hel-!

Hermione: Devil's Snare, Devil's Snare..."It's deadly fun, but will sulk in the sun!" That's it! Devil's Snare hates sunlight! Lumos Solem!

[she conjures a type of sunlight from her wand; Ron falls to the ground below]

Harry: Ron, you okay?

Ron: Yeah.

Harry: Okay.

Ron: [sigh] Lucky we didn't panic.

Harry: Lucky Hermione pays attention in herbology.

Oliver Wood: Scared, Harry?

Harry: A little.

Oliver Wood: That's all right. I felt the same way before my first game.

Harry: What happened?

Oliver Wood: I, uh, I don't really remember. I took a bludger to the head two minutes in. Woke up in hospital a week later.

Sorting Hat: Hmm, difficult. VERY difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad mind, either. There's talent, oh yes. And a thirst to prove yourself. But where to put you?

Harry: Not Slytherin. Not Slytherin.

Sorting Hat: Not Slytherin, eh? Are you sure? You could be great, you know. It's all here in your head. And Slytherin will help you on the way to greatness, there's no doubt about that. No?

Harry: Please, please. Anything but Slytherin, anything but Slytherin.

Sorting Hat: Well if you're sure, better be... GRYFFINDOR!

Ron: It's spooky! She knows more about you than you do!

Harry: Who doesn't?

Harry: Good of you to get us out of trouble like that.

Ron: Mind you, we did save her life!

Harry: Mind you, she might not have needed saving if you hadn't insulted her.

Ron: I'm Ron by the way, Ron Weasley.

Harry: I'm Harry. Harry Potter.

Ron: So... so it's true! I mean, do you really have the... the...

Harry: The what?

Ron: [in a hushed tone] The scar?

Harry: Oh.

[shows him the scar on his forehead]

Harry: Yeah.

Ron: Wicked!

Ron: [mimicking Hermione] "It's Levi-OOOOH-sa not LevioSAR." She's a nightmare, honestly. It's no wonder she hasn't got any friends!

[Hermione comes up from behind them and pushes past Ron, in tears]

Harry: I think she heard you.

[during the final chess game; Harry looks around at the board]

Harry: Wait a minute!

Ron: You see it, don't you, Harry? Once I make my move, the Queen will take me. Then you're free to check the King.

Harry: No. Ron, NO!

Hermione: What is it?

Harry: He's going to sacrifice himself.

Hermione: No, you can't, there must be another way!

Ron: Do you want to stop Snape from getting that stone or not?

[Hermione looks stunned]

Ron: Harry, it's you that has to go on, I *know* it. Not me, not Hermione, YOU.

[Harry takes a deep breath and nods]

Ron: [after a deep breath] Knight to H3.

[Ron and his horse advance to the next square. Ron breathes deep]

Ron: Check.

[The white Queen turns, advances slowly upon him, then draws her sword and plunges it into his horse, throwing him violently to the ground]

Harry: RON!

[Hermione makes as if to run to him]

Harry: [to Hermione] NO! DON'T MOVE! Don't forget - we're still playing.

[Harry moves three squares diagonally to his left and turns to face the King]

Harry: CHECKMATE.

[looking at a recently-hatched dragon]

Hagrid: Isn't he beautiful? Oh, bless him! Look! He knows his mummy! Hallo, Norbert!

Harry: Norbert?

Hagrid: Yeah, well, he's gotta have a name, don't he?

Hagrid: You all right there, Harry? You seem very quiet.

Harry: He killed my parents, didn't he?

[puts a hand to his scar]

Harry: The one who gave me this?

[Hagrid is silent]

Harry: You know, Hagrid. I know you do.

[Hagrid sighs and pushes his bowl aside]

Hagrid: First - and understand this, Harry, 'cause it's very important - not all wizards are good. Some of them go bad. A few years ago there was one wizard that went as bad as you can go, and his name was V-

[sighs]

Hagrid: his name was V...

Harry: Maybe if you wrote it down...

Hagrid: Nah, I can't spell it. Alright

[whispers]

Hagrid: 'Voldemort'

Harry: [loudly] Voldemort?

Hagrid: Shhh! It was dark times, Harry, dark times. Voldemort started to gather some followers, brought 'em over to the dark side. Anyone who stood up to him ended up dead. Your parents fought against him, but nobody lived once he decided to kill them. Nobody... not one... 'cept you.

Harry: Me? Voldemort tried to kill... ME?

Hagrid: Yes. That ain't no ordinary cut on your forehead. A mark like that only comes from being touched by a curse, and an evil curse at that.

Harry: What happened to Vol- to You-Know-Who?

Hagrid: Well, some say he died. Codswallop in my opinion. Nope, I reckon he's still out there, too tired to carry on. But one thing's certain, something about you stumped him that night. That's why you're famous, Harry, that's why everybody knows your name. You're the boy who lived.

Draco Malfoy: You'll soon find out that some wizarding families are better than others, Potter. You don't wanna go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there.

[he holds out his hand, which Harry doesn't take]

Harry: I think I can tell the wrong sort for myself, thanks.

[after being in the Dark Forest]

Harry: I think if he'd had the chance, he might've tried to kill me tonight.

Ron: And to think, I've been worrying about my potions final.

Professor McGonagall: Nothing, I repeat, nothing gives a student the right to walk about the school at night. Therefore, as punishment for your actions, 50 points will be taken.

Harry: 50?

[Ron and Hermione also looking shocked, Draco smirking]

Professor McGonagall: Each.

[Harry's mouth drops open]

Professor McGonagall: And to ensure it doesn't happen again, all four of you will receive detention.

Draco Malfoy: [smirk suddenly fades and steps up] Excuse me, professor, perhaps I heard you wrong. I thought you said the four of us.

Professor McGonagall: No, you heard me correctly, Mr. Malfoy. You see, honorable as your intentions were, you too were out of bed after hours. You will join your classmates in detention.

Seamus Finnigan: [in Charms class] Wingardium Leviosa. Wingard...

[BOOM]

Harry: [to Professor Flitwick] I think we're going to need another feather over here, Professor.

[deleted scene]

Ron: [Neville comes hopping in, his legs apparently stuck together] Leg-Locker Curse?

Harry: Malfoy.

Ron: You have *got* to start standing up to people, Neville.

Neville Longbottom: [wobbling uncontrollably] How? I can barely stand at all!

Seamus Finnigan: [jumping up, wand at the ready] I'll do the counter-curse!

Neville Longbottom: No, that's all I need... you to set my bloody kneecaps on fire!

Seamus Finnigan: [slamming his wand down] I don't appreciate the insinuation, Longbottom. Besides, if anyone cares to notice, my eyebrows have completely grown back!

[stalks off angrily, showing a large chunk of hair missing from the back of his head]

Harry: I found him!

[hands Ron a Chocolate Frog card of Dumbledore]

Ron: 'Dumbledore is particularly famous for his defeat of the Dark Wizard Grindelwald in 1945-'

Harry: Go on.

Ron: '-for his discovery of the 12 uses of Dragon Blood, and his work on alchemy with his partner Nicolas Flamel!'

Harry: I knew the name sounded familiar, I read it on the train that day.

Hermione: [Beaming excitedly] Follow me!

[the Trio tears out of the Great Hall, leaving poor Neville still flailing around]

Neville Longbottom: Hey, wait, where are you going? What about the counter-curse?

[Before he can say another word he topples over backwards, sparking a fresh round of laughter from the other students]

[after catching Harry scribbling on his paper]

Professor Severus Snape: Tell me, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?

[Harry doesn't answer]

Professor Severus Snape: You don't know? Well, let's try again. Where, Mr. Potter, would you look if I asked you to find me a bezoar?

Harry: I don't know, sir.

Professor Severus Snape: And what is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?

Harry: I don't know, sir.

Professor Severus Snape: Pity. Clearly, fame isn't everything, is it, Mr. Potter?

Harry: I swear I don't know. One minute the glass was there and then it was gone. It was like magic.

Uncle Vernon: There's no such thing as magic!

Hagrid: Crikey, I'd love a dragon.

Harry: You'd like a dragon?

Seamus Finnigan: Eye of rabbit, harp string hum, turn this water into rum.

[he checks the goblet, then tries again]

Seamus Finnigan: Eye of rabbit, harp string hum...

Harry: What's Seamus trying to do to that glass of water?

Ron: Turn it to rum. Actually managed a weak tea yesterday! Before...

[explosion]

[last lines]

Hermione: Feels strange to be going home, doesn't it?

Harry: [looking at Hagrid] I'm not going home. Not really.

George Weasley: [while sitting at the Gryffindor table, eating Christmas dinner] How do you like yours, Ron?

[Ron, however, keep glancing over at Harry, who is sitting far away from everyone else, staring into the fire, remembering the image of his parents from the Mirror of Erised]

George Weasley: Ron?

Ron: I'll be right back.

[puts his utensils down and goes to Harry]

Ron: Wanna play chess?

Harry: No.

Ron: Wanna go and visit Hagrid?

Harry: No.

Ron: I know what you're thinking Harry, but don't. There's something not right about that mirror.

[Harry merely nods in acknowledgement as Ron rejoins the other Gryffindors]

Dimpled Woman on Train: Anything from the trolly, dears?

Ron: [Holding up his sandwiches] No thanks, i'm all set.

Harry: [Taking some coins out of his pocket] We'll take the lot!

Ron: Whoa!

Harry: You! No, it can't be. Snape, he - he was the...

Professor Quirrel: Yes, he does seem the type, doesn't he? Why, next to him, who would suspect p-p-poor, st-st-stuttering Professor Quirrell?

Uncle Vernon: He will not be going, I tell you! We swore when we took him in we'd put a stop to all this rubbish!

Harry: You knew? You knew all along and you never told me?

Aunt Petunia: Of course we knew. How could you not be? My perfect sister being who she was. My mother and father were so proud the day she got her letter. "We have a witch in the family. Isn't it wonderful?" I was the only one to see her for what she was... a freak! And then she met that Potter. And then she had you, and I knew you would be the same. Just as strange, just as... abnormal. And then if you please, she went and got herself blown up, and we got landed with you.

Harry: Blown up? You told me my parents died in a car crash!

Hagrid: A car crash? A car crash kill Lily and James Potter?

Aunt Petunia: We had to say something.

Hagrid: It's an outrage! It's a scandal!

Uncle Vernon: He'll not be going!

Hagrid: Oh, and I suppose a great muggle like yourself's gonna stop him, are ya?

[stepping over Neville lying on the floor, whom Hermione has petrified using the "Petrificus Totalus Curse"]

Harry: Sorry.

Hermione: Sorry.

Ron: It's for your own good, you know.

Hagrid: If that dolt of a cousin of yours, Dudley, gives you any grief, you could always, um, threaten him with a nice pair of ears to go with that tail of his.

Harry: But, Hagrid, we're not allowed to do magic away from Hogwarts. You know that.

Hagrid: I do, but your cousin don't, do he?

Draco Malfoy: Wait 'til my father hears about this! This is servant's stuff!

Harry: If I didn't know any better, Draco, I'd say you were scared.

Draco Malfoy: I'm not scared, Potter!

[howling noise]

Draco Malfoy: Did you hear that?

Harry: [calls the dog] Come on, Fang!

[about Fluffy]

Hagrid: I lent him to Dumbledore to guard the...

Harry: Yes?

Hagrid: Shouldn't have said that. No more questions, don't ask anymore questions!

Harry: I can't be a-a-a wizard. I mean, I'm just Harry, just Harry.

Harry: Excuse me sir, can you tell me where I might find Platform Nine and Three-Quarters?

Station Guard: Nine and Three-Quarters? Think you're being funny do ya?

[muttering to himself]

Station Guard: Nine and Three-Quarters!

Harry: [trying to get Neville's Rememberall] Give it here, Malfoy or I'll knock you off your broom!

Draco Malfoy: Is that so?

[Harry makes a grab for Malfoy but he moves]

Draco Malfoy: Have it your way then.

[Malfoy throws the Rememberall]

Harry: Hagrid, who gave you the Dragon Egg? What did he look like?

Hagrid: I don't know. I never saw his face. He kept his hood up.

Harry: This stranger, though, you and he must've talked.

Hagrid: Well, he wanted to know what sort of creatures I looked after. I told him. I said "After Fluffy, a dragon's gonna be no problem."

Harry: Did he seem interested in Fluffy?

Hagrid: Well, of course he was interested in Fluffy. How often do you come across a 3-headed dog, even if you're in the trade? But I told him I said - I said, "The trick with any beast is to know how to calm him." Take Fluffy, for example, just play him a bit of music and he falls straight asleep.

Hagrid: [pause] I shouldn't have told you that.

Hagrid: See Harry, you're famous.

Harry: But why am I famous, Hagrid? All those people back there, how is it they know who I am?

Hagrid: I'm not sure I'm exactly the right person to tell you that, Harry.

[showing Harry the Golden Snitch]

Harry: I like this ball.

Oliver Wood: Ah, you like it now. Just wait. It's wicked fast, and damn near impossible to see.

Harry: What do I do with it?

Oliver Wood: You catch it, before the other team's seeker. You catch this, the game's over. You catch this, Potter, and we win.

Harry: Say, Percy, who's that teacher talking to Professor Quirrell?

Percy Weasley: Oh, that's Professor Snape, head of Slytherin House.

Harry: What's he teach?

Percy Weasley: Potions. But everyone knows it's the Dark Arts he fancies. He's been after Quirrell's job for *years*.

Voldemort: Harry Potter. We meet again.

Harry: Voldemort?

Voldemort: Yes. You see what I've become? See what I must do to survive? Live off another, a mere parasite! Unicorn blood can sustain me, but it cannot give me a body of my own. But there is something that can; something that, conveniently enough, lies in your pocket!

Harry: Where's Hermione?

Neville Longbottom: Parvati Patil says that she wouldn't come out of the girls bathroom. She said that she'd been in there all afternoon, crying.

[Harry looks at Ron, who shrugs]

Professor Quirrel: [comes running to Dumbledore] TROLL IN THE DUNGEON! TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!

[Dumbledore and McGonagall stand up, all the kids stare at Quirrell]

Professor Quirrel: Thought you ought to know.

[faints]

Dumbledore: [kids scream] Silence!

[everybody stops screaming]

Dumbledore: Please do not panic. Now, Prefects will lead their house back to the dormitories, and teachers will follow me to the dungeons.

[kids follow Percy, while Snape walks away and closes the door]

Harry: [writing HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY on the sand-like floor of the boat he and the Dursley's are in] Make a wish, Harry.

[looks at Dudley's watch, it is now his birthday, and blows on the dusty, sand-like floor, when someone is trying to break in, which wakes Dudley up]

Uncle Vernon: [come's into Dudley and Harry's room with a rifle and Aunt Petunia] Who's there?

[the door breaks open, and everyone screams in terror]

Hagrid: Sorry about that.

[puts door back on]

Uncle Vernon: I demand that you leave at once! You are breaking an entry!

Hagrid: [walks over to Vernon] Dry up, Dursley, you great prune!

[bends the rifle's end up and Vernon shoots and walks over to Dudley]

Hagrid: Boy, I hasn't seen yeh since you was a baby, Harry, but you're a little bit longer that I expected, especially right in the middle.

Dudley Dursley: I-I'm not Harry.

Harry: [walks over to Hagrid] I am.

Hagrid: Well, of course you are. Got somethin' for yeh, 'fraid I may have sat on it at some point, but I imagine it'll taste just the same.

[gives Harry a box]

Hagrid: Painted it myself, words and all.

[Dudley looks jealous]

Harry: [opens the box, to reveal a cake that says HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY on it] Thank you.

Hagrid: It's not every day your young man turns eleven, eh?

Hermione: [walks into the girls bathroom and sees a troll, which attacks her with a club as soon as Harry and Ron rush in]

Harry: HERMIONE, MOVE!

[he and Ron throw pieces of broken wood at the giant troll, which doesn't notice and grabs Hermione]

Ron: Hey, pea brain!

[throws a giant peace of wood at the troll, which drops Hermione, but attacks her with the club]

Hermione: Help!

[Harry jumps onto the troll's club and then onto its head, which makes the troll jerk around its head]

Harry: [puts his wand into the troll's nose, while the troll grabs Harry and holds him upside down] Do something!

[the troll tries to hit Harry with the club]

Ron: What?

Harry: Anything!

[Ron pulls out his wand]

Harry: Hurry up!

Hermione: [to Ron] Swish and flick!

Ron: Wingardium Leviosa!

[the troll's club comes out of its hand and drops on his head, which knocks it out and leaves a pile of dust]

Hermione: Is it... dead?

Harry: I don't think so, just knocked out.

Harry: [Harry, Ron, and Hermione sneak down the stairs, and Harry sees Trevor the toad] Trevor.

Ron: [Trevor croaks] Trevor! Go! You shouldn't be here!

Neville Longbottom: [appears] Neither should you. You're sneaking out again, aren't you!

Harry: Now, Neville, listen, we were...

Neville Longbottom: No! I won't let you! You'll get Gryffindor into trouble again! Uh, I-I'll fight you!

Hermione: Neville, I'm really, really sorry about this, but Petrificus Totalus!

[takes wand out and uses the Full Body-Bind Curse on Neville, who freezes and falls on the floor]

Ron: [gulps] You're a little scary sometimes, you know that. Brilliant, but scary.

Harry: Let's go.

Harry: [to Neville] Sorry.

Hermione: [to Neville] Sorry.

Ron: [to Neville] It's for your own good, you know.

Professor Severus Snape: [notices Harry Potter scribbling in class] Mr. Potter, our new celebrity.

[Ron looks at Harry, who looks confused]

Professor Severus Snape: Tell me, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?

[Hermione raises hand, which Snape ignores and turns his attention to Harry, who shakes his head]

Professor Severus Snape: You don't know? Well, let's try again. Where, Mr. Potter, would you look if I asked you to find me a bezoar?

[Hermione riases hand again]

Harry: I don't know, sir.

[Ron looks at Harry again]

Professor Severus Snape: And what is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?

[Hermione's hand is still raised]

Harry: [looks at Hermione] I don't know, sir.

Professor Severus Snape: Pity. Clearly, fame isn't everything, it it, Mr. Potter?

[Draco Malfoy smirks]

Harry: I'm a what?

[Professor McGonagall demonstrates a waltz with Ron as her partner]

Professor McGonagall: One-two-three, one-two-three...

Harry: [aside] You're never gonna let him forget this, are you?

Fred, George: [shaking their heads] Never.

Ron: There's no one like Krum! He's like a bird the way he rides the wind! He's more than an athlete! He's an artist.

Ginny: I think you're in love, Ron.

Ron: Shut up!

George: [grabs one of Ron's hands and begins singing] Victor, I love you!

Fred: [grabs Ron's other hand] Victor, I do!

George, Fred, Harry: When we're apart my heart beats only for you!

Harry: Why do they have to travel in packs? And how are you supposed to get one on their own to ask them?

[Stops in front of a group of girls, hesitates, then continues walking]

Ron: Blimey, Harry. You've slayed dragons. If you can't get a date, who can?

Harry: I think I'd take the dragon now.

Ron: [discussing inviting dates to the Yule Ball] This is mad! At this rate, we'll be the only ones in our year without dates! Well, us and Neville.

Harry: [laughing] Yeah, but then again he could take himself.

Hermione: It might interest you to know that Neville's already got someone.

Ron: What? Now I'm really depressed. Oi, Hermione... you're a girl.

Hermione: [haughtily] Very well spotted.

Ron: Come with one of us! It's one thing for a bloke to show up alone, but for a girl it's just sad.

Hermione: [angrily] I won't be going alone, because believe it or not, someone's asked me! And I said yes!

[exits]

Ron: Bloody hell. She's lying, right?

Harry: If you say so.

Ron: Do you think we'll ever just have a quiet year at Hogwarts?

Hermione, Harry: No.

Ron: Yeah, didn't think so. Oh well, what's life without a few dragons?

Hermione: Everything's going to change now, isn't it?

Harry: Yes.

Hermione: Promise you'll write this summer, both of you.

Ron: Oh, I won't. You know I won't.

Hermione: Harry will, won't you?

Harry: Yeah, every week.

Harry: [after being Portkeyed away from the maze during the Third Task Harry suddenly realizes where they are] Cedric, we have to get back to the cup. NOW.

Cedric Diggory: What are you talking about?

Harry: [Flames burst beneath a huge stone cauldron as the door to a nearby house opens, revealing someone carrying a blanket-wrapped bundle. Harry drops to his knees, clutching his scar in agony] AAAAAGH!

Cedric Diggory: Harry, what is it?

Harry: Get back to the cup!

Cedric Diggory: [Cedric stands up, wand at the ready to defend both himself and Harry] Who are you, what do you want?

Voldemort: Kill the spare!

Peter Pettigrew: AVADA KEDAVRA!

Harry: NO! CEDRIC!

[Harry can only watch as Cedric is blasted off his feet and hits the ground behind him, dead]

Ginny: [helping a speechless and queasy looking Ron into the common room] It's ok, Ron. It's alright. It doesn't matter.

Harry: What happened to you?

Ginny: He just asked Fleur Delacour out.

Hermione: What?

Harry: What did she say?

Hermione: No, of course.

[Ron shakes his head in pained embarrassment]

Hermione: She said yes?

Ron: Don't be silly. There she was, just walking by... you know how I like it when they walk... I couldn't help it... it just sort of slipped out!

Ginny: Actually, he sort of screamed at her. It was a bit frightening.

Harry: What did you do then?

Ron: What else? I ran for it!

Ron: Oh look, Mum's sent me something.

[pulls some frilly robes from the package]

Ron: Mum sent me a dress!

Harry: Well, it does match your eyes. Is there a bonnet?

[pulls out more lace]

Harry: Ah ha!

Ron: Nose down, Harry. Ginny, this must be for you.

Ginny: I'm not wearing that, it's ghastly.

Hermione: [laughing] They're not for Ginny, they're for you. Dress robes.

Ron: Dress robes? For what?

Rita Skeeter: This is cozy.

Harry: It's a broom cupboard.

Rita Skeeter: Well you should feel right at home, then.

Harry: I love magic.

Malfoy: Why so tense, Potter? My father and I have a bet, you see. See, I don't think you're going to last ten minutes in this tournament. He disagrees. He thinks you won't last five!

Harry: I don't give a damn what your father thinks, Malfoy! He's vile and cruel, and you're just pathetic!

Hermione: Harry, you told me you'd figured that egg out weeks ago! The task is two days from now!

Harry: [sarcastically] Really? I had no idea. I suppose Viktor's already figured it out.

Hermione: Wouldn't know. We don't actually talk about the tournament. Actually, we don't really talk at all. Viktor's more of a physical being.

[Harry laughs and Hermione blushes]

Hermione: I just mean he's not particularly loquacious. Mostly, he watches me study. It's a bit annoying, actually. You are trying to figure this egg out, aren't you?

Harry: What's that supposed to mean?

Hermione: It just means these tasks are designed to test you. In the most brutal way, they're almost cruel. And... I'm scared for you. You got by the dragons mostly on nerve. I'm not sure it's going to be enough this time.

Hermione: Ronald would like me to tell you that Seamus told him that Dean was told by Parvarti that Hagrid's looking for you.

Harry: Is that right? Well... what?

Hermione: Uh... Dean was told by Parvarti... please don't ask me to say it again. Hagrid's looking for you.

Harry: Well you can tell Ronald...

Hermione: I'm not an owl!

Hermione: Harry? Is that you?

Harry: Yeah.

Hermione: How are you feeling? Ok? The key is to concentrate. After that, you just have to...

Harry: Battle a dragon.

Hermione: [gasps and starts hugging Harry. Then a camera flash breaks them apart]

Rita Skeeter: Young love! How... stirring. If everything goes unfortunately today, you two may even make the front page!

Viktor Krum: You have no business here! This tent is for champions, and friends.

Rita Skeeter: No matter. We got what we wanted.

Voldemort: [looking at Cedric's body] Awww, tsk, tsk, tsk...

[nudges Cedric's face with his foot]

Voldemort: Such a handsome boy.

Harry: Don't touch him!

[Moody takes a drink from his flask]

Seamus: What do you suppose he's got there?

Harry: I don't know, but I don't think it's pumpkin juice.

Rita Skeeter: So tell me, Harry. Here you sit, a mere boy of 12...

Harry: I'm 14...

Rita Skeeter: about to compete against three students who are not only vastly more emotionally mature than yourself, but who've mastered spells that you wouldn't attempt in your dizziest daydreams. Concerned?

Harry: I dunno, I haven't really thought about it...

Rita Skeeter: Because you're no ordinary boy of 12 are you?

Harry: 14.

Rita Skeeter: Your story's legend. Do you think it was the trauma of your past that made you so keen to enter such a dangerous tournament?

Harry: No, I didn't enter.

Rita Skeeter: Of course you didn't.

[winks]

Rita Skeeter: Everyone loves a rebel, Harry. Speaking of your parents, were they alive, how do you think they'd feel? Proud? Or concerned that your attitude shows, at best, a pathological need for attention? The worst psychotic death wish.

[Harry glances at Rita's notes]

Harry: Hey, my eyes aren't glistening with the ghosts of my past!

Cornelius Fudge: For God's sake Dumbledore, what's happened?

Harry: [crying over Cedric's body] He's back! He's back! Voldemort's back! Cedric, he asked me to bring his body back. I couldn't leave him... not there!

Dumbledore: It's all right, Harry... it's all right. He's home, you both are.

Cornelius Fudge: [Rushing over to Professors Snape and McGonagall] Keep everybody in their seats, a boy has just been killed! The body must be moved, Dumbledore, there are too many people!

Amos Diggory: [Pushing his way frantically through the crowd] Let me through. LET ME THROUGH! Let me through, THAT'S MY SON! That's my boy!

[He pushes Harry's hands away and leans over Cedric's body, sobbing hysterically]

Amos Diggory: IT'S MY BOY!

Cedric Diggory: I realize I never really thanked you properly for tipping me off about those dragons.

Harry: Forget about it. I'm sure you would've done the same for me.

Cedric Diggory: Exactly. You know the Prefects' bathroom on the fifth floor? It's not a bad place for a bath. Just take your egg and... mull things over in the hot water.

[after Harry almost dies in the First Task]

Ron: I reckon you'd have to be barking mad to put your own name in the Goblet of Fire.

Harry: [coldly] Caught on, have you? Took you long enough.

Ron: I wasn't the only one who thought you'd done it. Everyone was saying it behind your back.

Harry: [sarcastically] Brilliant. That makes me feel loads better.

Ron: At least I warned you about the dragons.

Harry: Hagrid warned me about the dragons.

Ron: No, I did! Don't you remember? I told Hermione to tell you that Seamus told me that Parvati told Dean that Hagrid was looking for you! Seamus never actually told me anything, so it was really me all along. I thought we'd be alright, you know, after you figured that out.

Harry: Who... who could possibly figure that out? It's completely mental.

Ron: Yeah... it is, isn't it. I suppose I was a bit distraught.

Harry: [smiles weakly]

Hermione: [in disbelief] Boys!

Professor Snape: Potter, what's your hurry? Congratulations. Your performance in the Black Lake was inspiring. Gilllyweed, am I correct?

Harry: Yes sir.

Professor Snape: Ingenious. A rather rare herb, Gillyweed. Not something found in your everyday garden. Nor is this.

[holds up a bottle]

Professor Snape: Know what it is?

Harry: [sarcastically] Bubble juice, sir?

Professor Snape: Veritaserum. Three drops of this and You-Know-Who himself would spill his darkest secrets. The use of it on a student is, regrettably, forbidden. However, should you eve steal from my personal stores again, my hand might just slip over your morning pumpkin juice.

Harry: I haven't stolen anything.

Professor Snape: Don't lie to me! Gillyweed may be innocuous, but Boomslang skin? Lacewing flies? You and your little friends are brewing Polyjuice Potion, and believe me; I'm going to find out why!

[shuts the door in Harry's face]

Professor Moody: [mocking Hagrid] 'Marvelous creatures, Dragons, aren't they'. Do you think that miserable oaf would've sent you into the woods if I hadn't suggested it? Do you think Cedric Diggory would've told you to open the egg underwater if I hadn't told him first myself? Do you think Neville Longbottom, the witless wonder, could've provided you with Gillyweed if I hadn't given him the book that led him strait to it?

Harry: It was you from the beginning! You put my name into the Goblet of Fire! You bewitched Krum!

Professor Moody: You won because I made it so, Potter! You ended up in that graveyard because it was meant to be so! And now the deed is done! The blood that runs in your veins runs within the Dark Lord! Imagine how he will reward me when he learns that I have once and for all silenced the great Harry Potter!

Cedric Diggory: For a moment there, I thought you were going to let it get me.

Harry: For a moment there, so did I!

Ron: [about Hermione] Why do you think she won't tell us who she's going to the ball with?

Harry: 'Cause she knows we'd take the mickey out of her if she did.

Harry: You're sure about this, Neville?

Neville: Absolutely.

Harry: For an hour?

Neville: Most likely.

Harry: "Most likely?"

Neville: Well, there's some debate among herbologists about its effectiveness in fresh water as opposed to salt water...

Harry: You're telling me this *now*?

Sirius Black: I don't have much time, Harry, so let's get right to it. Did you or did you not put your name into the Goblet of Fire?

Harry: No!

Sirius Black: Shh. I had to ask. Now tell me about this dream of yours. You mentioned Wormtail and Voldemort, but who was the third man in the room?

Harry: I dunno.

Sirius Black: You didn't hear a name?

Harry: No. Voldemort was giving him a job to do. Something important.

Sirius Black: And what was that?

Harry: He wants... me. I don't know why, but he was going to use this man to get to me. But, I mean, it was only a dream, right?

Sirius Black: Yes... it's just a dream. Look, Harry, the Death Eaters at the world cup; your name rising out of the Goblet of Fire; these are not just coincidences! Hogwarts isn't safe anymore.

Harry: What are you saying?

Sirius Black: I'm saying the devils are inside the walls. Igor Karkaroff. He was a Death Eater and no one, *no one* stops being a Death Eater. Then there's Barty Crouch. Heart of stone, sent his own son to Azkaban.

Harry: Do you think one of them put my name in the Goblet?

Sirius Black: I haven't a clue who put your name in the Goblet, Harry, but whoever did is no friend to you. People die in this tournament.

Harry: I'm not ready for this, Sirius!

Harry: You don't have a choice

Professor Moody: What was it like? What was he like?

Harry: Who?

Professor Moody: The Dark Lord. What was it like to stand in his presence?

Harry: ...I dunno... It was like I'd fallen into one of my dreams. Into one of my nightmares.

Professor Moody: Were there others? In the graveyard, were there others?

Harry: ...I don't think I said anything about a graveyard, Professor.

Hermione: Harry! Are you alright? You must be freezing! Personally, I think you behaved admirably.

Harry: I finished last, Hermione.

Hermione: [kisses him on the top of the head] Next to last. Fleur never got past 'ze grindylows'!

Sirius Black: [in his letter] "Harry, I couldn't risk sending Hedwig. Since the World Cup the Ministry has been intercepting more and more owls, and she's too easily recognized. We need to talk, Harry, face to face. Meet me in the Gryffindor Common Room at one o'clock, this Saturday night. And make sure you're alone. Sirius. P.S...?

[the bird bites Harry's hand]

Harry: AH!

Sirius Black: "The bird bites."

Parvati Patil: [turns around and sees Hermione] She looks beautiful.

Harry: [staring at Cho] Yes, she does.

Harry: I just wondered if...

[bird squawks loudly in the background]

Harry: Ijustwanderedifmaybeyouwantedtogototheballwithme!

Cho Chang: Sorry, I didn't catch that.

Harry: I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to go to the ball with me...

Cho Chang: Oh.

[Suddenly looking very uncomfortable]

Cho Chang: Harry, I'm sorry but someone's already asked me. And well, I've, I've said I'll go with him.

Harry: Okay, great, good, fine, great, no problem.

[turns to head into the Owlery]

Cho Chang: Harry! I really am... sorry.

[manages a weak, embarrassed smiled as she descends the staircase]

Neville: Amazing! Amazing!

Harry: Neville, you're doing it again.

Harry: Ron, where are we actually going?

Ron: Don't know...

[to Arthur]

Ron: Hey, Dad! Where are we going?

Arthur Weasley: Haven't the foggiest! Keep up!

Ron: What are those?

Harry: My dress robes...

Ron: Well, those're all right! No lace, no dodgy little collar...

Harry: Well, I expect yours are more traditional...

Ron: Traditional? They're ancient! I look like my great aunt Tessie!

[takes a sniff in the underarm area]

Ron: I smell like my great Aunt Tessie!

Harry: [in the Prefects' Bathroom, looks at the Golden Egg with trepidation] I must be out of my mind.

[he opens it, and it emits its usual high-pitched squeal before he slams it shut]

Harry: I'm definitely out of my mind.

Moaning Myrtle: I'd try putting it in the water if I were you.

Harry: [startled] Myrtle!

Moaning Myrtle: Hello Harry! Long time no see! I was circling a blocked drain the other day, I could swear I saw a bit of Polyjuice Potion. Not being a bad boy again, are we?

Harry: Polyjuice Potion? Kicked the habit. Myrtle, did you say try putting it in the water?

Moaning Myrtle: That's what he did, the other boy. The handsome one. Cedric. Well go on, open it.

Harry: [opens the egg underwater]

Voice inside the egg: Come seek us where our voices sound, we cannot sing above the ground. An hour long you'll have to look to recover what we took.

Harry: Myrtle, there aren't Merpeople in the Black Lake, are there?

Moaning Myrtle: Oh, very good. It took Cedric ages to riddle it out. Almost all the bubbles were gone...

Harry: I didn't put my name in that cup! I don't want eternal glory, I just wanna be... look, I don't know what happened tonight and I don't know why. It just did.

Harry: In the graveyard, my wand and Voldemort's sort of... connected.

Dumbledore: Priori Incantatem.

Ron: What do you suppose is on Karkaroff's arm?

Harry: I dunno.

Hermione: Boomslang skin and Lacewing flies... you're sure those are the two ingredients Snape mentioned?

Harry: Positive, why?

Hermione: Well, he thinks we're brewing Polyjuice Potion doesn't he?

Harry: I don't care what Snape thinks, I've got bigger problems than detention. Something's coming closer.

[touches his stinging scar]

Harry: I can feel it.

Arthur Weasley: [after the trio is nearly hit by several Stunning Spells] Stop! That's my son!

[he runs up to the kids]

Arthur Weasley: Ron, Harry, Hermione are you alright?

Ron: We came back for Harry.

Barty Crouch: [Whipping out his wand and pointing it threateningly between the three kids] Which of you conjured it?

Arthur Weasley: Barty, you can't be serious...

Barty Crouch: DO NOT LIE! You have been discovered at the scene of the crime!

Harry: Crime?

Arthur Weasley: Barty, they're just kids.

Harry: What crime?

Hermione: It's the Dark Mark, Harry. It's HIS Mark.

Harry: [glances up at the huge skull and snake in the air] Voldemort? Those people, in the masks, they're his too aren't they? His followers.

Arthur Weasley: Death Eaters.

Barty Crouch: [to the rest of the Ministry Wizards] Follow me.

Harry: Uh, there was a man, earlier.

[he points in the direction where he saw Crouch, Jr]

Harry: There.

Barty Crouch: All of you, this way!

Arthur Weasley: A man, Harry? Who was he?

Harry: I don't know. I didn't see his face.

Neville: What's wrong, Harry? You seem a little tense!

Harry: [through teeth] Do I?

Professor Moody: What are you going to do about your dragon?

Harry: Oh... um... well, you know, I just thought I'd...

Professor Moody: Listen to me, Potter. Your pal Diggory? By your age he could turn a whistle into a watch and have it sing you the time. Miss Delacour is as much a fairy princess as I am. As for Krum, his head may be filled with sawdust, but Karkaroff's is not. They'll have a strategy. And you can bet that it will play to Krum's strengths. Come on, Potter, what are you strengths?

Harry: I dunno... I can fly, I mean I'm a fair flyer...

Professor Moody: Better than fair the way I heard it.

Harry: But I'm not allowed a broom.

Professor Moody: You're allowed a wand...

Voldemort: Don't you turn your back on me, Harry Potter! I want you to look at me when I kill you! I want to see the light leave your eyes!

Harry: [facing Voldemort] Have it your way!

Voldemort, Harry: [both shouting together] Avada Kedavara!/Expelliarmus!

Harry: 'Come seek us where our voices sound'.

Hermione: The Black Lake, that's obvious.

Harry: 'An hour long you'll have to look'.

Hermione: Again, obvious. Though admittedly potentially problematic...

Harry: Potentially problematic? When was the last time you held your breath underwater for an hour, Hermione?

Harry: What's with the flower? Hagrid... have you combed your hair?

Hagrid: 'S a matter of fact I have. You might want to try the same thing now and again.

[the Trio sits around the fireplace in the Gryffindor Common Room, digesting the murder of Barty Crouch, Sr. that has just taken place]

Ron: They'll cover this up, you watch. Fudge'll sell his soul before this gets out in the Daily Prophet.

Harry: But why?

Ron: Look, nobody liked Crouch. I know this from my father. Loads of people wanted him dead. But, he was a Ministry Official. It's not even like he turned up stiff in Knockturn Alley. He was murdered at Hogwarts. This is a big deal.

Hermione: It can't be coincidence... Harry's dreams, his scar hurting, the Dark Mark, his name coming out of the Goblet of Fire. Surviving the Tournament isn't the answer anymore Harry. It's bigger than this. And I really think you should go to Dumbledore.

Ron: Yeah.

Harry: Dragons, that's the first task. They've got one for each of us.

Cedric Diggory: Are you serious? And Fleur and Krum, do they...?

Harry: Yes.

Cedric Diggory: Right. Hey, listen, about the badges. I've asked them not to wear them...

Harry: Don't worry about it.

Harry: You're being stupid.

Ron: Yeah, that's me. Ron Weasley, Harry Potter's stupid friend!

Harry: Dragons? That's the first task? You're joking!

Hagrid: Come on, Harry. They're seriously misunderstood creatures. Although, I have to admit, that Horntail is a right nasty piece of work. Poor Ron nearly fainted just seeing them, you know.

Harry: Ron was here?

Hagrid: Well sure. His brother Charlie had to bring them over from Romania. Didn't Ron tell you that?

Harry: No he didn't. He didn't tell me a thing.

Professor McGonagall: Mr. Potter, are you and Miss Patil ready?

Harry: Ready, Professor?

Professor McGonagall: To dance! It's tradition that the three champions-well in this case four- are the first to dance. Surely I told you?

Harry: No.

Professor McGonagall: Oh, well, now you know.

Harry: You're a right foul git, you know that?

Ron: You think so?

Harry: I know so!

Ron: Anything else?

Harry: Yeah, stay away from me!

Ron: Fine.

Harry: Why are they all standing around that manky old boot?

Neville: You know, if you're interested in plants, you should use Goshawk's Guide To Herbology. There's someone in Tibet who's growing gravity resistant trees...

Harry: Neville, no offense, but I really don't care about plants. Now, if there's a Tibetan turnip that will help me breathe underwater for an hour, great. But otherwise...

Neville: I don't know about turnips, but you could always use gillyweed.

Harry: [to Cho Chang] I was just wondering... if you want... to go to the ball with me.

Harry: [to Ron] I didn't put my name in that cup! I don't want eternal glory!

Harry: [from trailer] Someone's coming closer, I can feel it.

[touches scar]

Harry: [from trailer] Is it Voldemort?

Ron: [sitting bolt upright in bed] Spiders... the spiders... they want me to tap-dance. And I don't want to tap-dance!

Harry: You tell those spiders, Ron.

Ron: Yeah, tell them... I'll tell them...

[falls straight back asleep]

Sirius Black: I expect you're tired of hearing this, but you look so like your father. Except your eyes. You have...

Harry: My mother's eyes.

Sirius Black: It's cruel that I got to spend so much time with James and Lily, and you so little. But know this; the ones that love us never really leave us. And you can always find them in here.

[puts his hand to Harry's heart]

Stan Shunpike: What you doin' down there?

Harry: I fell over.

Stan Shunpike: What you fell over for?

Harry: I didn't do it on purpose.

Stan Shunpike: Well come on then! Let's not wait for the grass to grow!

Professor Snape: [taps the blank Marauder's Map with his wand] Reveal your secrets.

[writing appears on the map]

Professor Snape: Read it.

Harry: "Messrs. Mooney, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, offer their compliments to Professor Snape and... "

Professor Snape: Go on.

Harry: "... and request that he keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business."

[last lines]

Harry: [voice-over] I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

[writing appears, and the credits roll to end]

Harry: Mischief managed.

[the writing on the parchment fades away]

Harry: Nox.

[fade to black]

Ron: [when Harry and Hermione reappear] How did you get there? I... I was talking to you there! And now you're there!

Hermione: What's he talking about Harry?

Harry: I dunno. Honestly Ron, how can people be in two places at once?

Sirius Black: Enough talk,Remus! C'mon, let's kill him!

Professor Lupin: Wait!

Sirius Black: I did my waiting! Twelve years of it! In Azkaban!

Professor Lupin: Very well, kill him. But wait one more minute. Harry has the right to know why.

Harry: I know why! You betrayed my parents! You're the reason they're dead!

Professor Lupin: No, Harry, it wasn't him! Somebody did betray your parents, but it was somebody who, until quite recently, I believed to be dead.

Harry: Who was it then?

Sirius Black: Peter Pettigrew! And he's in this room, right now! Come out, come out, Peter! Come out and play!

Fat Lady in Painting: [sings while holding a glass] Ah ah ah AH!

Harry: Fortuna Major.

Fat Lady in Painting: No, wait, wait!

[sings again, higher]

Fat Lady in Painting: Ah ah ah AH!

Harry: Fortuna Major.

Fat Lady in Painting: Wait!

[sings again, highest]

Fat Lady in Painting: Ah ah ah AAAAAAAAAAAH!

[holds the note, looks around to make sure nobody's watching, then smashes the glass on the edge of the painting]

Fat Lady in Painting: Oh, amazing! And just with my voice!

Harry: Fortuna Major.

Fat Lady in Painting: Yes, all right, all right, you can go in.

Harry: Thank you!

Fat Lady in Painting: Plebs.

Harry: Professor, can I ask you something?

Professor Lupin: You want to know why I stopped you facing that boggart, yes? I would have thought that would be obvious - I assumed it would take the shape of Lord Voldemort.

Harry: I did think of Voldemort - at first. But then I remembered that night on the train... and the dementor...

Professor Lupin: I'm very impressed. That suggests that what you fear most of all... is fear itself. This is very wise.

Harry: He was their friend, and he betrayed them. He was their *friend*! I hope he finds me! Cause when he does, I'm gonna be ready. When he does, I'm gonna kill him!

Harry: Expecto Patronum!

Hermione: [howls]

Harry: What are you doing?

Hermione: Saving your life!

Harry: Thanks!... Great, now he's coming at us!

Hermione: Yeah, didn't think about that... run!

Dumbledore: Well?

Harry: He's free. We did it.

Dumbledore: Did what? Good night.

Harry: [in reference to Sirius Black on the front cover of the Daily Prophet] Who is that? That man?

Stan Shunpike: Who is that?... Who is... THAT is Sirius Black that is! Don't tell me you've never been hearing of Sirius Black?

Harry: [Harry shakes his head]

Stan Shunpike: He's a murderer. Got himself locked up in Azkaban for it.

Harry: How did he escape?

Stan Shunpike: Well that's the question, isn't it? He's the first one who done it. He was a big supporter of You-Know-Who. Reckon you've heard of him?

Harry: Yeah... him I've heard of.

Hermione: Headmaster, you've got to stop them! They've got the wrong man!

Harry: It's true, sir! Sirius is innocent!

Ron: It's Scabbers who did it.

Dumbledore: Scabbers?

Ron: He's my rat, sir. Well he's not really a rat. Well, he was a rat, he was my brother Percy's rat, but then they gave him an owl, and I got...

Hermione: The *point* is, we know the truth. Please believe us.

[about Hogwarts]

Sirius Black: It's beautiful, isn't it? I'll never forget the first time I walked through those doors. It'll be nice to do it again as a free man.

[about Pettigrew]

Sirius Black: That was a noble thing you did back there. He doesn't deserve it.

Harry: Well, I just didn't think my dad would've wanted his two best friends to become killers. Besides, dead the truth dies with him. Alive, you're free.

Stan Shunpike: What did you say your name was again?

Harry: I didn't.

Stan Shunpike: Well, whereabouts are you headed?

Harry: The Leaky Cauldron! That's in London.

Stan Shunpike: D'you hear that, Ern? The Leaky Cauldron, that's in London.

Shrunken Head: Ah, the Leaky Cauldron! If you have the pea soup, make sure you eat it before it eats you!

[Harry has just successfully conjured a Patronus]

Professor Lupin: You know something, Harry? I think you would have given your father a run for his money, and THAT is saying something.

[beat]

Harry: I was thinking of him... and Mum. Seeing their faces. They were talking to me, just talking. That's the memory I chose. I don't even know if it's real. But it's the best I have.

Harry: Before, down by the lake when I was with Sirius, I did see someone. That someone made the Dementors go away.

Hermione: With a patronus? I heard Snape telling Dumbledore. According to him, only a really powerful wizard could've conjured it.

Harry: It was my dad. It was my dad who conjured the patronus.

Hermione: But Harry, your dad's...

Harry: Dead, I know. I'm just telling you what I saw.

[about Sirius]

Harry: When we free him, I'll never have to go back to the Dursley's. It'll just be me and him. We could live in the country, someplace you can see the sky. I think he'll like that after all those years in Azkaban.

Harry: Egypt, huh? What's it like?

Ron: Brilliant! Loads of cool stuff. Mummies, tombs. Even Scabbers enjoyed himself.

Hermione: You know, the Egyptians used to worship cats.

Ron: Yeah, along with the dung beetle.

Harry: Professor, why do the dementors affect me so? More than anyone else, I mean?

Professor Lupin: Listen, dementors are among the foulest creatures to walk this earth. They feed on every good feeling, every happy memory until a person is left with nothing but his worst experiences. The dementors affect you more than others because there are true horrors in your past, horrors your classmates can scarcely imagine. You are not weak, Harry. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Harry: I'm scared, Professor.

Professor Lupin: Well, I'd consider you a fool if you weren't.

[the Whomping Willow has just deposited Harry in the secret passageway]

Harry: AHHH!

[He starts to get up and Hermione lands on top of him]

Hermione: AHHH! Oh I'm sorry!

Harry: That's all right.

[they get to their feet]

Hermione: Where do you suppose this goes?

Harry: I have a hunch. I just hope I'm wrong.

Harry: Excuse me, sir. Where's Professor Lupin?

Professor Snape: That's really none of your concern is it, Potter?

[Harry and Hermione have Time-Turned and are hiding behind the pumpkins. Hermione throws the second rock, which hits the Harry inside Hagrid's hut on the back of his head]

Harry: [inside Hagrid's hut] Ow!

Harry: [outside next to Hermione, rubbing the back of his head] Ow. That hurt!

Hermione: Sorry.

Harry: What's the holdup?

Ron: Probably Neville's forgotten the password again.

Neville Longbottom: [behind them] Hey!

Ron: Oh... You're there...

Fred Weasley: Nice try Harry, but not good enough

Harry: Come on guys, I'm trying to get to Hogsmeade

Fred Weasley, George Weasley: We know

George Weasley: If you'll stop squirming, we have a better way...

Harry: Guys, come on...

Fred Weasley: Awwh, bless him

George Weasley: Now Harry...

Fred Weasley, George Weasley: Come and join the big boys

Harry: "Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs are proud to present the Marauder's Map."

George Weasley: We owe them so much.

Harry: Hang on. This is Hogwarts. And that... No. Is that really...?

Fred Weasley: Dumbledore.

George Weasley: In his study.

Fred Weasley: Pacing.

George Weasley: Does that a lot.

Harry: So you mean this map shows...?

Fred Weasley: Everyone.

Harry: Everyone?

George Weasley: Everyone.

Fred Weasley: Where they are.

George Weasley: What they're doing.

Fred Weasley: Every minute.

George Weasley: Of every day.

Harry: Brilliant! Where'd you get it?

Fred Weasley: Nicked it from Filch's office, of course, first year.

George Weasley: Now, listen. There are seven secret passageways out of the castle. We'd recommend...

George Weasley, Fred Weasley: This one.

Fred Weasley: The One-Eyed Witch passageway.

George Weasley: It'll lead you straight to Honeyduke's cellar.

Fred Weasley: We best hurry. Filch is heading this way.

George Weasley: Oh, and Harry, don't forget. When you're done, just give it a tap and say...

George Weasley, Fred Weasley: "Mischief Managed." Otherwise anyone can read it.

Cornelius Fudge: As the Minister of Magic, it is my duty to inform you, Mr. Potter, that earlier this evening your uncle's sister was located a little south of Sheffield, circling a chimney stack. The Accidental Magic Reversal department was dispatched immediately, she has been properly punctured and her memory modified. She will have no recollection of the event whatsoever so that's that and no harm done. Pea soup?

Harry: No, thank you. Minister?

Cornelius Fudge: Yes?

Harry: I don't understand.

Cornelius Fudge: Understand?

Harry: I broke the law. Underage wizards aren't allowed to use magic at home.

Cornelius Fudge: Come now Harry, the Ministry doesn't send people to Azkaban for blowing up their aunts.

Professor Snape: Potter, what are you doing wandering the corridors at night?

Harry: Nothing... I was sleepwalking.

Professor Snape: How extraordinarily like your father you are Potter, he too was exceedingly arrogant, strutting about the castle.

Harry: My Dad didn't strut, and nor do I. Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.

Harry: [about the Marauder's Map] Professor, just so you know I don't think that map always works. Earlier it showed someone in the castle... someone I know to be dead.

Professor Lupin: Oh really, and who might that be?

Harry: Peter Pettigrew.

Professor Lupin: [looking stunned] That's not possible.

Harry: Professor Trelawney?

Professor Trelawney: [in a deep, raspy voice] He will return tonight! He who betrayed his friends - whose heart rots with murder! Innocent blood shall be shed and servant and master shall be reunited once moooooooore!

[coughs]

Professor Trelawney: Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Did you say something?

Harry: I didn't mean to blow her up, I just... lost control.

Ron: Brilliant!

Hermione: Honestly Ron, it's not funny! Harry was lucky not to be expelled.

Harry: I think I was lucky not to have been arrested actually.

Ron: I still think it's brilliant.

[the Fat Lady has finally let them into Gryffindor Tower; both Harry and Seamus are talking at the same time]

Harry: She's still doing it, after three years, I mean...

Seamus Finnegan: I can't believe she still does that...

Harry, Seamus Finnegan: [together] She can't even sing!

Hermione: This is a time turner, Harry. McGonagall gave it to me first term. This is how I've been getting to my lessons all year.

Harry: You mean we've gone back in time?

Hermione: Yes. Dumbledore obviously wanted us to return to this moment. Clearly something happened he wants us to change.

Hagrid: [about Buckbeak] I think he may let you ride him now.

Harry: What?

Hagrid: [picking him up and placing him on Buckbeak's back] Come on, right behind the wing joint.

Harry: Hey! Hey hey hey hey hey! Hagrid!

Harry: Poor Professor Lupin's having a really tough night.

Ron: Let me get this strait. Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban to come after you?

Harry: Yeah.

Hermione: But they'll catch Black, won't they? I mean, everyone's looking for him.

Ron: Sure. Except no one's ever broken out of Azkaban before, and he's a murderous raving lunatic.

Harry: Thanks, Ron.

Professor Lupin: Why do you look so miserable, Harry?

Harry: None of it made any difference. Pettigrew escaped.

Professor Lupin: Didn't make any difference? Harry, it made all the difference in the world! You helped discover the truth. You saved an innocent man from a terrible fate. It made a great deal of difference.

Harry: Tell me about Peter Pettigrew!

Professor Lupin: He was at school witth us, we thought he was our friend.

Harry: No, Pettigrew's dead.

[to Sirius]

Harry: You killed him.

Professor Lupin: No he didn't! I thought so too, until you mentioned seeing Pettigrew on the map.

Harry: The map was lying, then.

Sirius Black: The map never lies! Pettigrew's alive.

Harry: And now we wait?

Hermione: And now we wait.

[they sit down end of scene]

Hermione: If you're going to kill Harry you'll have to kill us too!

Sirius Black: No, only one will die tonight.

Harry: Then it'll be you!

Hermione: Beautiful day.

Ron: Gorgeous. Unless of course you've been ripped to pieces.

Harry: Ripped to pieces? What are you talking about?

Hermione: Ronald has lost his rat.

Ron: I haven't lost anything! Your cat killed him!

Hermione: Rubbish!

Ron: Harry, you've seen the way that blood thirsty beast of hers is always lurking about. And now Scabbers is gone!

Hermione: Well maybe you should learn to take better care of your pets!

Ron: Your cat killed him!

Hermione: Did not!

Ron: Did.

Hermione: Didn't.

Mr. Arthur Weasley: Harry, there are some within the Ministry who would strongly discourage me from divulging what I'm about to reveal to you, but I think that you need to know the facts. You are in danger. Grave danger.

Harry: Has this anything to do with Sirius Black?

Mr. Arthur Weasley: What do you know about Sirius Black, Harry?

Harry: Only that he's escaped from Azkaban.

Mr. Arthur Weasley: Do you know why? Thirteen years ago, when you stopped...

Harry: Voldemort...

Mr. Arthur Weasley: don't say his name.

Harry: Sorry.

Mr. Arthur Weasley: When you stopped You-Know-Who, Black lost everything. But to this day, he still remains a faithful servant. And his mind you are the only thing that stands in the way of You-Know-Who returning to power. And that is why he has escaped from Azkaban. To find you...

Harry: And kill me.

Mr. Arthur Weasley: Harry, I want you to swear to me that whatever you might hear, you won't go looking for Black.

Harry: Mr. Weasley, why would I go looking for someone who wants to kill me?

Harry: But you're innocent!

Sirius Black: And you know it. And for now, that'll do.

Harry: It's not... happy. Well, it is, it's the happiest I've ever felt. But it's complicated.

Professor Lupin: Is it strong?

Aunt Marge: They use the cane at St. Brutus's, boy?

Harry: Oh. Yeah, yeah. I... I've been beaten loads of times.

[first lines]

Harry: Lumos Maxima!

[five times]

Harry: Now what?

Hermione: We save Sirius.

Harry: How?

Hermione: No idea.

Harry: There's Pettigrew.

Hermione: Harry, you can't!

Harry: Hermione, that's the man who betrayed my parents! You don't expect me to just sit here!

Hermione: Yes, you must! Harry, you're in Hagrid's hut now. If you just go bursting in you'll think you've gone mad! Awful things happen to wizards who've meddled with time. We can't be seen.

Harry: You were right, Hermione! It wasn't my dad I saw earlier! It was me! I saw myself conjuring the patronus before! I knew I could do it this time, because... well, because I'd already done it! Does that make sense?

Hermione: No! But I DON'T LIKE FLYING!

[screams as Buckbeak dives]

Harry: [seeing himself in the past] That's us! This is not *normal*.

[while hurtling through London in the Knight Bus]

Harry: But the Muggles! Can't they see us?

Stan Shunpike: Muggles? They don't see nothing, do they?

Shrunken Head: No, but if you jab them with a fork, they feel it!

[laughs]

Harry: What happened to me?

Ron: Well, you sort of went rigid. We thought maybe you were having a fit or something.

Harry: And did either of you two, you know, pass out?

Ron: No... I felt weird though, like I'd never be cheerful again.

Harry: But someone was screaming... a woman...

Hermione: No one was screaming, Harry.

[about Malfoy]

Ron: Listen to the idiot! He's really laying it on thick, isn't he?

Harry: At least Hagrid didn't get fired.

Hermione: Yeah, but I hear Draco's father's furious. We haven't heard the end of this.

Harry: Good punch.

Hermione: Thanks.

Uncle Vernon: You bring her back! You bring her back now, you put her right!

Harry: No! She deserved what she got! Keep away from me.

Uncle Vernon: You're not allowed to do magic outside of school.

Harry: Yeah? Try me.

Uncle Vernon: They won't take you back now! You've nowhere to go!

Harry: I don't care! Anywhere's better than here.

Professor Lupin: Come in. Now, I haven't the faintest idea Harry how this map came to be in your possession, quite frankly I am astounded that you didn't hand it in. Did it never occur to you that this in the hands of Sirius Black is a map to you?

Harry: No, sir.

Professor Lupin: No. You know, your father never set much store by the rules either. But he and your mother gave their lives to save yours. And gambling their sacrifice by wandering around the castle, unprotected, with a killer on the loose seems to me to be a pretty poor way to repay them. Now, I will not cover for you again, Harry, do you hear me? I want you to return to your dormitory and stay there. And don't take any detours. If you do, I shall know.

[taps the map]

Professor Lupin: I shall know.

Aunt Marge: Still here, are you?

Harry: Yes.

Aunt Marge: Don't say 'yes' in that ungrateful way.

Ron: [as Harry lays unconcious] Looks a bit peaky, doesn't he?

Fred Weasley: Peaky? What'd you expect him to look like? He fell fifty feet.

George Weasley: Yeah, c'mon, Ron. We'll walk you off the Astronomy Tower and see how you come out looking.

Harry: Probably a right sight better than he normally does.

[he opens his eyes to see everyone is with him]

Hermione: Harry! How are you feeling?

Harry: [he slips on his glasses] Brilliant.

Fred Weasley: Gave us a right good scare, mate.

Harry: What happened?

Ron: You fell off your broom.

Harry: Really? I meant the match. Who won?

[silence, no one is answering]

Hermione: No one blames you, Harry. The Dementors aren't meant to come on the grounds. Dumbledore was furious. After he saved you, he sent them straight off.

Ron: There's something else you should know, Harry. Your Nimbus - when it blew away? - it sort of landed in the Whomping Willow. And well...

[he hands Harry his broken broom stick]

Aunt Marge: [to Vernon] You mustn't blame yourself about how this one turned out, Vernon. It's all to do with blood. Bad blood will out.

[to Petunia]

Aunt Marge: What is it the boy's father did, Petunia?

Aunt Petunia: Nothing. He didn't work. He was unemployed.

Aunt Marge: And a drunk too, no doubt?

Harry: That's a lie.

Aunt Marge: What did you say?

Harry: [a little enraged] My dad wasn't a drunk!

[Aunt Marge accidentally breaks the glass she it holding, which shatters into pieces, startling everyone else]

Aunt Marge: Don't worry. Don't fuss, Petunia. I have a very firm grip.

Malfoy: Potter! Is it true you fainted? I mean, you actually fainted?

Ron: Shove off, Malfoy.

Harry: How did he find out?

Hermione: Just forget it.

Harry: Lumos Maxima! Lumos Maxima! Lumos Maxima! Lumos Maxima! Lumos Maxima!

[wand glows]

Harry: [about Sirius Black] HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!

Professor Lupin: [as Snape points his wand at Sirius's throat] Severus, don't be a fool...

Sirius Black: He can't help it, it's habit by now.

Professor Lupin: Sirius, be quiet.

Sirius Black: Be quiet yourself, Remus!

Professor Snape: Listen to you two, quarreling like an old married couple...

Sirius Black: [in a mocking voice] Why don't yo run along and play with your chemistry set?

[Snape pushes wand harder on Sirius's throat]

Professor Snape: I could do it, you know. But why deny the Dementors? They're so longing to see you... do I detect a flicker of fear? Ah, yes, the Dementor's Kiss. One can only imagine what that must be like to endure. It's said to be nearly unbearable to witness, but I'll do my best.

[Harry unnoticeably pulls Hermione's wand out of her pocket]

Sirius Black: Severus, please!

Professor Snape: After you.

[gestures Sirius toward door]

Harry: [to Snape] Expelliarmus!

[Snape flies backwards onto a bed, unconscious]

Ron: Harry! What did you just do?

Hermione: You attacked a teacher!

Harry: [to Lupin] Tell me about Peter Pettigrew!

Professor Lupin: He was at school with us! We thought he was our friend!

Harry: No, Pettigrew's dead!

[whirls around at Sirius]

Harry: You killed him!

Professor Lupin: [jumps in front of Sirius] No he didn't! I thought so, too until you mentioned seeing Pettigrew on the map!

Harry: The map was lying, then!

Sirius Black: That map never lies! Pettigrew's alive! And he's right there!

[points at Ron]

Ron: Me? He's mental!

Sirius Black: Not you! Your rat!

Ron: Scabbers has been in my family for...

Sirius Black: Twelve years! Curiously a long life for a rat! He's missing a toe, isn't he?

Ron: So what?

Harry: [about Ron's rat missing a toe and being Peter Pettigrew] All they could find left of Pettigrew was his...

Sirius Black: Finger! But then the coward cut it off so they would think he was dead! And then he transformed into a rat!

Harry: Show me.

[Sirius tries to take the rat from Ron, but Ron holds onto it]

Harry: Give into it, Ron.

Ron: What are you trying to do to him?

[Sirius finally gets a hold of the rat]

Ron: Scabbers! Leave him alone!

[tries to run toward Sirius, but Hermione holds him back]

Ron: Get off him! What are you doing?

[Sirius drops the rat, which runs while Sirius finally transforms it into Peter Petitgrew]

Peter Pettigrew: [realizes he's not a rat anymore] Remus, S-Sirius? My old friends!

[runs toward the door, but Lupin and Sirius block him]

Peter Pettigrew: Harry, l-look at you!

[walks toward Harry]

Peter Pettigrew: You look so much like your father! Like James, we were best friends!

Sirius Black: How dare you speak of him!

[Pettigrew scowls and runs away from Sirius]

Professor Lupin: You sold Lily and James to Voldemort, didn't you?

Peter Pettigrew: [to Sirius] What would you have done? What would you have done?

Sirius Black: I would have died!

[Pettigrew crawls under piano]

Sirius Black: I would have died rather than betray my friends!

Peter Pettigrew: [runs over to Harry, whispering to him] Harry, James wouldn't have wanted me killed! Your dad... your dad would have spared me! He would shown me mercy...!

[Lupin and Sirius yank him off Harry]

Sirius Black: You should have realized, Peter, that if Voldemort wouldn't kill you we would!

[he and Lupin pull out their wands and point them and Pettigrew]

Sirius Black: Together!

Harry: No!

Professor Lupin: Harry, could this man...

Harry: I know what he is, but we'll take him to the castle.

Peter Pettigrew: Bless you boy, bless you!

[kneels to Harry]

Harry: Get off me! I said we'll take you to the castle. After that, the dementors can have you.

Harry: [from trailer] Why would I go looking for somebody that wants to kill me?

Stan Shunpike: [on the Knight Bus with Harry, who is looking around] Come on, come on, move on!

[clears throat, gives Harry a ticket, and knocks on the window next door]

Stan Shunpike: Take her away, Ern.

Shrunken Head: [next door] Yeah! Take it away, Ernie! It's going to be a bumpy ride!

[Ernie starts up the Knight Bus and drives it quite quickly while things slide back and forth]

Shrunken Head: Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Shrunken Head: [to Harry] What did you say your name was again?

Harry: I didn't!

Stan Shunpike: Well, whereabouts are you headin'?

Harry: The Leaky Cauldron. That's in London.

Stan Shunpike: Did ya hear that, Ern? The Leaky Cauldron. That's in London.

[laughs]

Shrunken Head: Ah, the Leaky Cauldron! Hey, if you have the pea soup, make sure you eat it before it eats you!

[laughs]

Harry: But the Muggles! Can't they see us?

Stan Shunpike: Muggles? They don't see nothing, do they?

Shrunken Head: No, but if you jab them with a fork they feel it!

[laughs]

Shrunken Head: Ernie, little old lady at twelve o'clock!

[bus stops for old lady to cross, while Harry smashes into the window]

Shrunken Head: Ten... Nine... Eight... Seven... Six... Five... Four... Three... Three and a half... Two... One and three quarters, yes!

[little old lady finally passes and bus moves on]

Mr. Arthur Weasley: [from trailer] I want you to swear to me you won't go looking for Black!

[to Harry]

Harry: Why would I go looking for somebody that wants to kill me?

Professor Snape: [sneaks up on Harry, who is in the dark with the Marauder's Map] Potter? What are you doing wandering the corridors at night?

Harry: I'm sleepwalking.

Professor Snape: Extraordinarily like your father, you are, Potter. He was exceedingly arrogant, strutting about the castle.

Harry: My dad didn't strut. Nor do I. Now if you don't mind, I would appreciate it if you lowered your wand.

[Snape lowers wand]

Harry: [to Sirius Black] You betrayed my parents! You're the reason they're dead!

Harry: [in the Shrieking Shack with Hermione trying to find Ron] Ron!

[runs into room]

Hermione: Ron, you're okay!

Ron: Harry, it's a trap! And he's a dog, he's an Animagus!

[Harry and Hermione look at paw prints, which leads them to looking at Sirius Black]

Hermione: If you're going to kill Harry you'll have to kill us, too!

Lucius Malfoy: Let us hope that Mr. Potter will always be around to save the day.

Harry: Don't worry. I will be.

Moaning Myrtle: Oh, Harry? If you die down there, you're welcome to share my toilet.

Harry: Uh... thanks, Myrtle.

Uncle Vernon: And Dudley, you will be?

Dudley Dursley: I'll be waiting to open the door.

Uncle Vernon: Excellent. And you?

Harry: I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending that I don't exist.

Dumbledore: You both realize, of course, that in the past few hours you have broken perhaps a dozen school rules.

Harry, Ron: Yes, sir.

Dumbledore: And that there is sufficient evidence to have you both expelled.

Harry, Ron: Yes, sir.

Dumbledore: Therefore, it is only fitting that you both receive...

[beams]

Dumbledore: Special Awards for Services to the School.

[last lines]

Hagrid: I'd just like to say that, if it hadn't been for you Harry, and Ron and Hermione of course, I would... I'd still be You-Know-Where. So I'd just like to say thanks.

Harry: There's no Hogwarts without you, Hagrid.

Ron: It's not much, but it's home.

Harry: I think it's brilliant.

Hermione: Look, Hagrid's our friend, why don't we just go and ask him about it?

Ron: That would be a cheerful visit. "Hello Hagrid! Tell us, have you been setting anything mad and hairy loose in the castle lately?"

[Hagrid has walked up behind them]

Hagrid: Mad and hairy? You wouldn't be talkin' about me, now would ya?

Hermione, Ron, Harry: No.

Harry: Not to be rude or anything, but this isn't a great time for me to have a house elf in my bedroom.

Ron: [in high voice] My wand. Look at my wand.

Harry: Be thankful it's not your neck.

Harry: Ron, I should tell you, most Muggles aren't accustomed to seeing a flying car.

Ron: If it kills by looking people in the eye, why is it no one's dead?

Harry: Because no one did look it in the eye. Not directly, at least. Colin saw it through his camera. Justin... Justin must've seen the basilisk through Nearly Headless Nick. Nick got the full blast of it, but he's a ghost; he couldn't die again. And Hermione... had the mirror! I bet you anything she was using it to look around corners in case it came along.

Ron: And Mrs. Norris? I'm pretty sure she didn't have a camera or a mirror, Harry.

Harry: The water. There was water on the floor that night. She only saw the basilisk's reflection.

Ron: Follow the spiders? Follow the spiders? If Hagrid ever gets out of Azkaban, I'll kill him! I mean, what was the point of sending us in there? What have we found out?

Harry: We know one thing. Hagrid never opened the Chamber of Secrets. He was innocent.

[deleted scene]

Fred Weasley: Look everyone, it's the heir of Slytherin!

George Weasley: Be careful! He's a seriously evil wizard.

Ron: Come on, Harry. Fred and George were just having a laugh.

Harry: They're the only ones.

Ron: Okay, so half the school thinks you're nipping off to the Chamber of Secrets every night. Who cares?

Harry: Maybe they're right.

Hermione: Harry! Harry? Oh, come on!

Harry: Look, I didn't know I could speak Parseltongue! What else don't I know about myself? Look. Maybe you can do something, even something horrible and not know you did it.

Hermione: You don't believe that, Harry. I know you don't. And if it makes you feel any better, Malfoy's staying for the holidays, too.

Ron: Why would that make anyone feel any better?

Hermione: Because, in a few days the Polyjuice Potion will be ready! In a few days, we may truly know who is the heir of Slytherin.

Harry: Promise me something.

Dobby: Anything, sir.

Harry: Never try to save my life again.

Lucius Malfoy: Mr. Potter! Lucius Malfoy. We meet at last. Forgive me, your scar is legend. As, of course, is the wizard who gave it to you.

Harry: Voldemort killed my parents. He was nothing more than a murderer.

Lucius Malfoy: You must be very brave to mention his name. Or very foolish.

Hermione: Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.

Lucius Malfoy: And you must be Miss Granger. Yes, Draco's told me all about you. And your parents. Muggles, aren't they? Let me see. Red hair... vacant expressions... tatty second hand book... you must be the Weasleys.

Arthur Weasley: Children, it's mad in here. Let's go outside.

Lucius Malfoy: Well, well, well. Weasley senior.

Arthur Weasley: Lucius.

Lucius Malfoy: Busy time at the Ministry, Arthur, all those extra raids? I do hope they're paying you overtime. Though judging by the state of this, I'd say not. What's the use in being a disgrace to the name of wizard if they don't even pay you well for it?

Arthur Weasley: We have a very different idea about what disgraces the name of wizard, Malfoy.

Lucius Malfoy: Clearly. Associating with muggles. And I thought your family could sink no lower.

Harry: It's a snake skin.

Ron: Bloody hell. Whatever shed this must be 60 feet long, or more.

[Gilderoy Lockhart passes out]

Ron: [to Harry] Heart of a lion, this one.

Harry: Your bird, there was nothing I could do. He just caught fire.

Dumbledore: Oh, and about time too. He's been looking dreadful for days. Pity you had to see him on a burning day.

Ron: Have you spoken to Hermione?

Harry: She should be out of hospital in a few days... when she stops coughing up fur balls.

Harry: You're Aragog, aren't you?

Aragog: Yes. Hagrid has never sent men into our hollow before.

Harry: He's in trouble. Up at the school there've been attacks. They think it's Hagrid. They think he opened the Chamber of Secrets, like before.

Aragog: That's a lie! Hagrid never opened the Chamber of Secrets!

Harry: Then you're not the monster?

Aragog: No! The monster was born in the castle. I came to Hagrid from a distant land, in the pocket of a traveler.

Ron: [terrified] Harry.

Harry: Shush.

[to Aragog]

Harry: But, if you're not the monster, then-then what did kill that girl 50 years ago?

Aragog: We do not speak of it! It is an ancient creature we spiders fear above all others.

Harry: But have you seen it?

Aragog: I never saw any part of the castle but the box in which Hagrid kept me. The girl was discovered in a bathroom. When I was accused, Hagrid brought me here.

Ron: Harry!

Harry: What?

[Ron points at the spiders surrounding them]

Harry: Well... thank you. We'll just go.

Aragog: Go? I think not. My sons and daughters do not harm Hagrid on my command, but I cannot deny them fresh meat when it wanders so willingly into our midst. Goodbye, friend of Hagrid.

Ron: Can we panic now?

Tom Marvolo Riddle: How is it that a baby with no extraordinary magical talent was able to defeat the greatest wizard of all time? How did you escape with nothing but a scar, while Lord Voldemort's powers were destroyed?

Harry: Why do you care how I escaped? Voldemort was after your time!

Tom Marvolo Riddle: Voldemort is my past, present, and future.

Ron: [spellotaping his broken wand] Say it, I'm doomed.

Harry: You're doomed.

Draco Malfoy: Scared, Potter?

Harry: You wish.

Harry: You. You're the Heir of Slytherin. You're Voldemort.

Tom Marvolo Riddle: Surely you didn't think I was going to keep my filthy Muggle father's name? No. I fashioned myself a new name, a name I knew wizards everywhere would one day fear to speak, when I became the greatest sorcerer in the world!

Harry: Albus Dumbledore is the greatest sorcerer in the world!

Tom Marvolo Riddle: Dumbledore's been driven out of this castle by the mere memory of me!

Harry: Remember what Aragog said about that girl 50 years ago? She died in a bathroom. What if she never left?

Ron: Moaning Myrtle!

Harry: You'd better clear off before my bones come back, Dobby, or else I might strangle you.

Dobby: [jumps off the bed] Dobby is used to death threats, sir. Dobby gets them five times a day at home.

Molly Weasley: Now don't forget to speak very, very clearly.

Harry: Diagonally.

[Harry vanishes]

Molly Weasley: What did he say dear?

Arthur Weasley: Diagonally.

Molly Weasley: I thought he did.

[Harry and Ron are staring at each other after changing into Crabbe and Goyle]

Ron: [in own voice] Bloody Hell!

Harry: We still sound like ourselves. You need to sound more like Crabbe.

Ron: [in lower voice] Um... Bloody hell

Harry: Excellent.

Harry: Wish you were here, Hermione. We need you. Now more than ever.

Draco Malfoy: Father always said that Dumbledore was the worst thing that ever happened to this place.

Harry: [disguised as Goyle] You're wrong!

Draco Malfoy: What? You think there's someone here who's worse than Dumbledore? Well? Do you?

Harry: [disguised as Goyle] ... Harry Potter?

Draco Malfoy: Good one, Goyle. You're absolutely right.

Gilderoy Lockhart: Spooky how the time flies when one's having fun.

Harry: ...Spooky...

Hermione: He called me a mudblood.

Hagrid: He did not!

Harry: What's a mudblood?

Hermione: It means dirty blood. Mudblood's a really foul name for someone who's muggle born. Someone with non-magic parents. Someone like me. It's not a term one usually hears in civilized conversation.

Hagrid: See the thing is, Harry, there's some wizards, like the Malfoy family, who think they're better than everyone else because they're what people call "pure blood."

Harry: That's horrible!

Ron: [burps up another slug] It's disgusting.

Hagrid: And it's codswallop to boot. "Dirty blood." Why, there isn't a wizard alive today that's not half-blood or less. More to the point, they've yet to think of a spell that our Hermione can't do. Come 'ere. Don't you think on it, Hermione. Don't you think on it for one minute.

Ron: You're a parselmouth! Why didn't you tell us?

Harry: I'm a what?

Hermione: You can talk to snakes!

Harry: I know. I mean, I accidentally set a python on my cousin Dudley at the zoo once. Once. But so what? I bet loads of people here can do it.

Hermione: No, they can't! It's not a very common gift, Harry. This is bad.

Harry: What's bad? If I hadn't told that snake not to attack Justin...

Ron: Oh, that's what you said to it?

Harry: You were there! You heard me!

Ron: I head you speaking parseltongue. Snake language.

Harry: I spoke a different language? But I didn't realize... how can speak a language without knowing I can?

Hermione: I don't know, Harry, but it sounded like you were egging the snake on or something. Harry, listen to me. There's a reason the symbol of Slytherin house is a serpent. Salazar Slytherin was a parselmouth, he could talk to snakes too.

Ron: Exactly! Now the whole school is gonna think you're his great-great-great-grandson or something.

Harry: But I'm not! I can't be.

Hermione: He lived a thousand years ago. For all we know, you could be.

Ron: Do you think it's true? Do you think there really is a Chamber of Secrets?

Hermione: Yes. Couldn't you tell? McGonagall's worried. All the teachers are.

Harry: But if there really is a Chamber of Secrets, and it really has been opened, then that means...

Hermione: The heir of Slytherin has returned to Hogwarts. The question is; who is it?

Ron: [sarcastically] Let's think. Who do we know who thinks all muggle borns are scum?

Hermione: If you're talking about Malfoy...

Ron: Of course! You heard him. 'You'll be next mudbloods'.

Hermione: I heard him. But Malfoy, the heir of Slytherin?

Hermione: It's a bit strange, isn't it?

Harry: Strange?

Hermione: You hear this voice, a voice only you can hear, and then Mrs. Norris turns up petrified? It's just... strange.

Harry: Do you think I should have told them? Dumbledore and the others, I mean.

Ron: Are you mad?

Hermione: No, Harry. Even in the wizarding world, hearing voices isn't a good sign.

The Sorting Hat: Bee in your bonnet, Potter?

Harry: I-I was- I was just wondering, if you put me in the right house?

The Sorting Hat: Yes, you were particularly difficult to place. But I stand by what I said last year: You would have done well in Slytherin.

Harry: You're wrong.

Gilderoy Lockhart: Harry, Harry, Harry. Can you possibly imagine a better way to serve detention, than by helping me to answer my fan mail?

Harry: Not really.

Gilderoy Lockhart: Fame is a fickle friend Harry. Celebrity is as celebrity does. Remember that.

Harry: [writing inside Tom Riddle's diary] My name is Harry Potter.

[the words disappear, then other words appear in the diary]

Tom Marvolo Riddle: Hello, Harry Potter, my name is Tom Riddle.

Harry: [writing] Do you know anything about the Chamber of Secrets?

Tom Marvolo Riddle: [word appears] Yes...

Harry: Can you tell me?

Tom Marvolo Riddle: No...

[Harry sighs in frustration, but then sees the next words, and get excited]

Tom Marvolo Riddle: But I can show you... Let me take you back 50 years ago... 13th June.

[the pages turn to this date, then Harry is swept inside the diary]

Gilderoy Lockhart: [Echoing from the bottom of the entrance shaft] it *really* is quite filthy down here!

Harry: [Preparing to follow Lockhart] Here we go.

Moaning Myrtle: Oh Harry - if you die down there, you're welcome to share my toilet!

[Quick shot of Ron looking pained before cutting to Harry]

Harry: Urr, thanks, Myrtle!

[first lines]

[Hedwig wants to be let out of her cage]

Harry: I can't let you out, Hedwig! I'm not allowed to use magic outside of school. Besides, if Uncle Vernon...

Uncle Vernon: [yells] Harry Potter!

Harry: Now you've done it.

[to Tom Riddle]

Harry: [smiling] I bet Dumbledore saw right through you.

Tom Marvolo Riddle: He certainly kept an annoyingly close watch on me after that!

[walks around Harry]

Tom Marvolo Riddle: I knew it wouldn't be safe to open the Chamber again while I was still at school so I decided to leave behind a Diary, preserving by 16-year old self in its pages so that ond day, I would be able to lead another to finish Salazar Slytherin's noble work!

Harry: [a rogue Bludger starts chasing Harry during the Quidditch match]

Ron: [Getting his wand out] I'll stop it!

Hermione: No! Even with a proper wand, it's too dangerous - you might hit Harry!

[Ron gets his wand out to levitate the sleeping draught cupcakes when Harry holds his hand out]

Harry: Eh, Ron, perhaps I'd better do it?

[Ron looks at his wand]

Ron: [Resignedly] Yeah

[puts the wand away, as Harry gets his own wand out]

[Tom watches wizards carry a dead student away]

Dumbledore: Riddle. Come.

Tom Marvolo Riddle: [looks upstairs and sees Dumbledore, who is fifty years younger] Professor Dumbledore.

Harry: Dumbledore?

Dumbledore: It is not wise to be wandering around this late hour, Tom.

Tom Marvolo Riddle: Yes, Professor. I suppose I-I had to see for myself if the rumors were true.

Dumbledore: I'm afraid they are, Tom. They are true.

Tom Marvolo Riddle: About the school, as well? I don't have a home to go to. They wouldn't really close Hogwarts, would they, Professor?

Dumbledore: I understand, Tom. But, I'm afraid Headmaster Dippet may have no choice.

Tom Marvolo Riddle: Sir, if it all stopped. If the person responsible was caught...

Dumbledore: Is there something you wish to tell me?

Tom Marvolo Riddle: No, sir. Nothing.

Dumbledore: [he examines Riddle, but then shrugs it off] Very well, then. Off you go.

Tom Marvolo Riddle: Goodnight, sir.

[Hermione reveals that it will take a month to produce the Polyjuice potion]

Harry: A month!

[lowers his voice]

Harry: But Hermione, if Malfoy *is* the Heir of Slytherin, he could attack half the Muggle-borns in the school by then!

Hermione: I know, but it's the only plan we've got.

Gilderoy Lockhart: [Looking down the pipe leading to the Chamber of Secrets] Well... well done!, Well,

[turns and tries to leave]

Gilderoy Lockhart: there's no need for me to stay!

Harry: [Pushing Lockhart back with Ron's help] Yes there is!

Harry: You're running away? After all that stuff you did in your books?

Gilderoy Lockhart: Books can be misleading...

Harry: You wrote them!

Gilderoy Lockhart: My dear boy, do use your common sense! My books wouldn't have sold half as well if people didn't think *I'd* done all those things!

Dobby: [Harry walks opens his bedroom door to find Dobby jumping on his bed, who spots Harry] Harry Potter! Such an honor, it is.

[bows]

Harry: [closes bedroom door] Who are you?

Dobby: Dobby, sir. Dobby the house-elf.

Harry: Not to be rude or anything, but this isn't a great time for me to have a house-elf in my bedroom.

Dobby: Oh, yes sir. Dobby understands, it's just that Dobby has come to tell you... it is difficult, sir. Dobby wonders where to begin.

Harry: Why don't you sit down.

Dobby: S-s-sit-sit down?

[starts crying loudly]

Harry: Dobby, shush! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you or anything.

Dobby: Offend Dobby? Dobby has heard of your greatness, sir, but never has he been asked to sit down by a wizard!

[lowers voice]

Dobby: Like an equal.

Harry: You can't have met many decent wizards then.

Dobby: No, I haven't.

[lowers voice again]

Dobby: That was an awful thing to say.

[starts banging his head on Harry's dresser]

Dobby: Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby! Bad!

Harry: Stop! Dobby! Dobby, please!

Harry: See why I have to go back? I don't belong here, I belong in your world, at Hogwarts. It's the only place I've got friends.

Dobby: Friends who don't even write to Harry Potter?

Harry: Well I expect they've - hang on. How do YOU know my friends haven't been writing to me?

Dobby: Harry Potter mustn't be angry with Dobby.

[takes out a pile of letters]

Dobby: Dobby hoped if Harry Potter thought his friends had forgotten him, Harry Potter might not want to go back to school, sir.

Harry: [impatiently] Give me those, now.

Dobby: No!

Harry: But I haven't had any messages, from any of my friends. Not one, all summer.

Dudley Dursley: Who'd want to be friends with you?

Dobby: [from trailer] Harry Potter! Such an honor, it is.

[bows]

Harry: Who are you?

Dobby: Dobby the house-elf.

Ron: [from trailer] Harry?

[disguised as Vincent Crabbe]

Harry: [disguised as Gregory Goyle] Ron? Excellent.

Lucius Malfoy: [from trailer] Let us hope that Harry Potter will always be around to save the day.

Harry: Don't worry, I will be.

Gilderoy Lockhart: [to class] I must ask you not to scream, it might REMOTE THEM!

[pulls cloth off of cage, which reveals pixies]

Seamus Finnigan: Cornish pixies?

Gilderoy Lockhart: [Draco Malfoy and Crabbe snigger] Freshly caught Cornish pixies.

[more people chuckle]

Gilderoy Lockhart: Laugh after you, Mr. Finnigan. The pixies can be devilishly tricky little things. See what you make of them.

[releases pixies, which attack students]

Gilderoy Lockhart: Round them up! Round them up! Round up the pixies

[pixies ruin Lockhart's books and two of them lift Neville by the ear and drop him on the light on the ceiling]

Neville Longbottom: Hey, get me down!

Hermione: Get off me!

Harry: No, stop, hold still!

[hits pixie with book]

Gilderoy Lockhart: Peskipiksi Pesternomi!

[pixie grabs Lockhart's wand and cuts off chain of dinosaur skeleton, which falls]

Gilderoy Lockhart: [to Harry, Ron, and Hermione] I'll ask you three to just nip the rest of them back into your case.

[runs away]

Ron: What do we do now?

Hermione: [takes out wand] Immobulus!

[freezes pixies]

[Harry wakes up in the hospital wing to find Dobby sitting on his hospital bed]

Dobby: [smiles] Hello!

Harry: [shocked] D-Dobby?

Dobby: Harry Potter should have listened to Dobby. Harry Potter should have go back home when he missed the train.

Harry: It was you. YOU made the barrier not let Ron and me through.

Dobby: [piteously] Indeed. Yes, sir.

Harry: You nearly got me and Ron expelled!

Dobby: At least you were away from here.

[Dobby jumps up and stands on Harry's bed, and Harry leans back away from him, clutching his wounded arm]

Dobby: [pleadingly] Harry Potter must go home! Dobby thought that his bludger was enough to make Harry Potter see!

Harry: [suddenly angry] *YOUR Bludger*? YOU made that Bludger chase after me?

Dobby: [still piteous] Dobby was most aggrieved, sir. Dobby had to iron his hands.

[Dobby shows Harry his hands which are red and heavily bandaged in gauze]

Harry: [threateningly] You better clear off before my bones come back or else I might *strangle* you!

[Dobby reacts in fear and quickly jumps off the bed and lands back-first on the floor. Harry gets up from bed, still holding his wounded arm]

Dobby: [backing away and clutching on the foot-board of the bed] Dobby is used to death threats sir. Dobby gets them five times a day at home.

Harry: [interrogatively] Why don't you tell me exactly why are you trying to kill me?

Dobby: No! Not to kill you, sir. Never kill you. Dobby remembers how it was before Harry Potter triumphed over He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. We House elves were treated like vermin sir... Of course, Dobby is *still* treated like *vermin*

[Overcome with emotion, Dobby's voice breaks and he bursts out crying putting his hands over his eyes as he sobs noisily. Harry looks on with sympathy]

Dobby: [Heard a noise nearby; he jumps on Harry's bed and ushers Harry to come close; whispering] Listen... Listen, Terrible things are about to happen at Hogwarts. Harry Potter must not stay here, now that history is to repeat itself.

Harry: [whispering back; about the Chamber of Secrets] Repeat itself? Do you mean that this has happened before?

Dobby: [horrified gasp; covering his mouth with his hands] Oh! I shouldn't have said that!

[Dobby looks around wildly]

Dobby: [panicked] Oh!

[Dobby seizes the "Skele-Grow potion bottle from the bedside table. With a grunt, he hits his head with the bottle]

Dobby: [repeatedly hitting his head with the bottle; shrieking] Bad Dobby! Bad...

Harry: [whispering; over Dobby's shrieks] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Dobby, Stop it!

[Harry grabs the bottle from Dobby, sets it on the bed and grabs Dobby by the collar of his pillow case shirt]

Harry: Now, Listen Dobby. I want to know exactly how it had happened before? Who is doing it now?

Dobby: [shaking his head vigorously] Dobby can not say, sir!

[Dobby strokes Harry's hand in comforting, almost motherly way]

Dobby: Dobby only wants Harry Potter to be safe.

Harry: Now, Dobby, Tell me. Who is it?

[Before he could answer, Dobby hears something coming from the hall. He snaps his fingers and vanishes, leaving Harry grabbing onto thin air]

Harry: [as Hedwig the owl squeals] I can't let you out, Hedwig. I'm not allowed to use magic outside of school. Besides, if Uncle Vernon...

Uncle Vernon: Harry Potter!

Harry: Now you've done it.

Harry: [about Hedwig rattling in cage] But she's bored! If I could only let her out for an hour or two...

Uncle Vernon: [chuckles] So you can send secret messages to your freaky little friends, no sir.

Harry: I haven't gotten any messages... from any of my friends. Not one.

Dudley Dursley: Who'd want to be friends with you?

[nudges Harry out of way]

Uncle Vernon: I wish you'd be a little more grateful. We've raised you since you were a baby. We've given you the food at our table, you even have Dudley's second bedroom, clearly out of the goodness of our hands.

Aunt Petunia Dursley: [as Dudley tries to steal some cake] Not now, Popkins! It's for when the Msons are on.

Uncle Vernon: Which should be any minute!

[gestures everyone towards him]

Uncle Vernon: Now, let's go over our schedule once again, shall we? Petunia, when the Masons arrive, you will be-?

Aunt Petunia Dursley: In the lounge, waiting to welcome them graciously to our home!

Uncle Vernon: Good. And Dudley, you will be-?

Dudley Dursley: [in an accent] I'll be waiting to open the door.

Uncle Vernon: Excellent!

[he, Aunt Petunia, and Dudley walk toward Harry]

Uncle Vernon: And you?

Harry: I'll be in my bedroom. Making no noise and pretending I don't exist.

Uncle Vernon: Too right you are. This could well be the biggest day of my career. And you will not mess it up.

Harry: I'll be in my bedroom... making no noise and pretending I don't exist.

Kevin McCallister: You guys give up? Have you had enough pain?

Marv: Nevah!

Harry: [Shakes head at Marv]

Harry: Here we are Marv. New York City, the land of opportunity.

[sniffs]

Harry: Smell that?

Marv: [sniffs] Yeah.

Harry: Know what that is?

Marv: Fish.

Harry: It's freedom.

Marv: No, it's fish.

Harry: It's freedom, and it's money.

Marv: Okay, okay, it's freedom.

Harry: Come on, let's get out of here before somebody sees us.

Marv: And it's fish.

Harry: [hears a loud rumbling] What's that sound?

[a tool chest bursts through the door, pinning Marv and Harry to the wall]

Marv: [congested] That was the sound of a tool chest, falling down the stairs.

Harry: Oh.

Harry: What store is going to make the most cash on Christmas Eve that nobody's gonna think to rob?

Marv: Candy stores!

Harry: Nine year-olds rob candy stores, Marv. This is what I had in mind.

[shows him an ad for Duncan's Toy Chest]

Marv: That's brilliant, Harry. Brilliant.

Harry: Yep. There's nobody dumb enough to knock off a toy store on Christmas Eve.

Marv: Oh yes, there is.

[Points to Harry, then points to self]

Harry: [opens the cash register and steals money from it] Merry Christmas, Harry.

Marv: [opens the money chest and steals money from it] Happy Hanukkah, Marv.

Harry: [while Harry and Marv are robbing Duncan's Toy Chest, Kevin takes their picture] He took our picture!

Marv: How'd my hair look?

Harry: Sonny!

Kevin McCallister: Yes?

Harry: Nothing would thrill me more greatly than to shoot you. Knocking off a youngster ain't gonna mean all that much to me. Okay? But since we're in a hurry, I'll made a deal with you: you throw down your camera and we won't hurt you. You'll never hear from us again. Okay?

Kevin McCallister: You promise?

Harry: I cross my heart and hope to die.

Harry: You better say every prayer you ever heard, kid.

Marv: I hope your parents got you a tombstone for Christmas!

Marv: Let's kill!

Harry: Hold on, peabrain. We got busted last time because we underestimated that little bundle of misery.

Marv: This ain't like the last time. This ain't his house. The kid's running scared. He ain't got a plan.

Harry: May I do the thinking, please?

[climbing down the rope]

Marv: Harry, are you wearing aftershave?

Harry: That's not aftershave, Marv. That's kerosene. The rope is soaked in it.

Marv: Now why would anyone wanna soak a rope in kerosene?

[Kevin lights a match]

Kevin McCallister: Merry Christmas.

Harry: Go up!

Marv: Aaaah!

Harry: I hate throwing a job knowing that little creep is on the loose.

Marv: Yeah but what can he do? He's a kid. Kids are helpless.

Harry: Not this kid.

Marv: Yeah but this time he doesn't have a house full of dangerous goodies to get us with. He's in the park. He's alone. Kids are scared of the park.

Harry: Yeah. Grown men come into the park and never leave alive. Good luck little fella.

[Marv has just had a brick dropped on his head from three stories up and is reeling on the sidewalk]

Harry: [holding up three fingers on one hand] Marv, how many fingers am I holding up?

Marv: Uh, hmmmmmm, eight?

[in the basement, Marv built a tower out of assorted items]

Harry: Marv, are you sure this is safe?

Marv: Oh yes. I've worked all the kinks out. Solid as a rock.

[They climb up. Seconds later, it all comes crashing down]

Harry: Like a rock, huh, Marv?

Marv: He made us hide out in the store so we could steal all the kiddies' charity money.

Harry: [Kicks Marv] Shut up, Marv! You got the right to remain silent, you know.

Marv: He's a little cranky. We just broke out of prison a few days ago.

Harry: [Kicks Marv again] Shut up, Marv! Geez.

Policeman: Get'em outta here.

Marv: Remember, if this makes the papers, we're no longer the Wet Bandits, we're the Sticky Bandits!

Harry: [Kicks Marv again] Shut up!

Marv: That's S...

Harry: [Kicks Marv again] Shut up!

Marv: ...T...

[Gets kicked again]

Marv: Ummm...

Harry: I.

Marv: ...I...

Harry: [Yelling up to Kevin] Sonny. Nothing would make me happier than to kill you. Knockin' off a youngster doesn't mean a lot to me. But, since we're in a hurry, I'll make a deal with you. Throw down your camera, and we won't hurt you, you'll never hear from us again.

Kevin McCallister: You promise?

Harry: [Rubbing his chest with his finger] I cross my heart and hope to die.

Kevin McCallister: Okay.

[Then Kevin picks up a brick and tosses it down, hitting Marv in the forehead and Marv collapses to the ground]

Harry: [Holding up three fingers] How many fingers am I holding up, Marv?

Marv: [Dazed] Uh, eight.

Harry: [to Kevin] You wanna throw bricks, go ahead and throw another one.

[Kevin throws down another brick, hitting Marv in the forehead again]

Harry: If you can't do any better than that kid, you're gonna lose.

[Kevin throws down another brick, hitting Marv in the forehead again]

Harry: You got anymore?

[to Marv]

Harry: C'mon Marv, get up, he's outta bricks.

[Marv points up and makes incoherent noises, signaling that Kevin is about to throw another brick]

Harry: What?

[Kevin throws the brick, and once again hits Marv in the forehead]

Harry: C'mon Marv, get up; nobody throws bricks at me and gets away with it.

[to Marv]

Harry: Go in the front, I'm going around the back.

Marv: [Still Dazed] Harry. Harry. Harry.

Marv: [stealing money from Duncan's Toy Chest] This is more money than I can even count.

Harry: I don't know why we wasted so much time robbing private homes.

Marv: [stuffing the bag with cash] The amazing thing is: we're fugitives from the law, we're up to our elbows in cash, and there's nobody that even knows about it.

[Kevin taps on the window and waves]

Harry: He's back!

Marv: [Kevin reaches the entrance to the park, but slips on the ice - causing his vision to spin, as Harry and Marv appear over him] My, how the tables have turned.

Harry: How do you like the ice kid?

[Harry and Marv look at each other, they both laugh and pick Kevin up]

Harry: Let's go for a little stroll in the park.

Harry: I don't care if they give me the chair, I'm going to kill that kid!

Harry: Hey Marv, crow bars up.

[they clink their crow bars together]

Harry: [Harry and Marv have captured Kevin outside the Plaza Hotel] We spent nine months in jail, thinking we had the worst luck in the universe. We were wrong, little buddy.

Marv: We're busted out of the clink and we're doing fine. We're going to be doing even better. Because we're not robbing houses anymore. Now we're robbing toy stores. At midnight tonight, we're hitting Duncan's Toy Chest. Five floors of cash. Then after that we get a couple of phony passports then it's off to Rio...

Harry: Marv! Marv! You want to shut up?

Marv: What's the difference? He's not going to talk to anyone. Except maybe a fish. Or the undertaker.

[Harry readies to send Kevin to meet his maker once and for all]

Harry: [leveling his gun at Kevin] I never made it to the sixth grade, kid. And it doesn't look like you're gonna, either.

Marv: You may have won the battle, little dude, but you lost the war.

Harry: You shouldn't have messed with us, pal. We're dangerous.

[draws his gun]

Harry: Yep, one quick score. We get ourselves a couple of phony passports and we hightail it to some foreign country.

Marv: Arizona?

Harry: [rolls his eyes]

Marv: [swipes coins from a street Santa]

Harry: That's very smart, Marv. You bust outta jail to rob 14 cents from a Santa Claus?

Marv: Every little bit helps. Besides, now we got our new nickname: we're the Sticky Bandits.

Harry: Real cute. Very cute.

Marv: Huh?

Harry: Will you forget the scarf Marv?

Harry: It's only a dream kiddo.

Harry: More will come. It's still a place of lost souls.

Natty Gann: I'm cold.

Harry: Buck up, kid, will ya?

Natty Gann: I'm bucking!

[turns to Wolf]

Natty Gann: I'm bucking, right?

Harry: You're a real woman of the world, kid.

Harry: [Harry has just hauled Natty into the boxcar, where she was dangling dangerously over the edge] You know, uh, you can get hurt that way.

Hobo: I thought *that* one was a goner.

Hobo: *Rail* meat.

Hobo: Little bits of blood and busted...

Harry: Leave the kid alone!

Harry: [opens the door to a barn, looks inside, then speaks to Natty] It looks safe. Come on. Come on! It's empty! Nothin' in here but a pig, and he sure don't care.

Harry: Nice dog.

Natty Gann: It's a wolf.

[Wolf is running alongside the train that Natty and Harry are aboard]

Natty Gann: Come on Wolf! Come on!

Harry: He's not gonna make it.

Natty Gann: Come on!

Harry: He's not gonna make it.

Natty Gann: [encouraging] Come on!

[Wolf turns and successfully jumps on board the train. Natty hugs him]

Harry: [looks ahead] He made it.

Harry: You never really feel somebody's suffering; you only feel their death.

Nick Lewis - Used Car Dealer: I am 62 years old.

[Indicates to Harry the rather obvious hair piece he's wearing]

Nick Lewis - Used Car Dealer: I can't get it up unless I take a dose of strychnine.

Harry: Strychnine? I thought strychnine was poisonous?

Nick Lewis - Used Car Dealer: Naw, no... It really gives you a lift, you know? But I wanna' tell ya, it isn't worth it. 'Cause I get such terrible headaches. Right through my skull. "Bong! Bong!" Like a sledgehammer. So, a fella' has to decide whether he wants a migraine headache... or a piece of ass, you know?

Harry: Well, Nick, you live and learn.

Harry: How old are you?

Ginger: Sixteen.

Harry: I guess I don't know much about being 16 these days.

Ginger: Neither do I.

Harry: Shirley?

Shirley: What?

Harry: Do you love me?

Shirley: Look, I'll tell you something, Harry: I don't always like you, but I do love you.

Harry: Then why do we always argue?

Shirley: I don't know. I guess that's the way we talk to each other, Harry.

Harry: Did you see that?

Jacob Rivetowski: No.

Harry: Fellow almost ran me over.

Jacob Rivetowski: What kind of car?

Harry: I don't know... a big gray job.

Jacob Rivetowski: Capitalist bastard!

Leroy: You all right, Harry?

Harry: I was mugged.

Leroy: White boy or black boy?

Harry: What the hell difference does it make?

Leroy: I'd just like to know, that's all.

Harry: White.

Leroy: Hot damn.

Harry: If it makes you feel any better, the last one was Puerto Rican.

Harry: [Talking to his cat, reminiscing about an earlier New York City] There were trolleys, Tonto. Cobblestones. The aroma of corned beef and cabbage. The tangy zest of... apple strudel. You had to hand-crank the cars in those days, Tonto. Cars like REO's, Franklins, Hudsons. Those were names fit for a car. These days a man doesn't know whether he's driving a car or an animal: "Mustangs," "Jaguars," "Cougars,"... "Pintos." - Silly.

Harry: You know, the strangest thing about being old is... all your friends are dead.

Shirley: Well, all your old friends, maybe. You could make new friends, you know?

Wade Carlton: So I was broke. I rode me down to Galveston. Read an article in the paper... about catchin' sharks. Shark's good for a lot of things. Got a job with a Portuguese feller. Caught sharks till I couldn't move my arms. Made me $300 and come home. Hadn't shaved for three weeks. Come walkin' up to the front door. The wife thought it was a bum. Told me to clear on out. That's when I got into cats.

Harry: Your wife still alive?

Wade Carlton: Nope. Buried three of 'em. Good women. Bad diets.

Stephanie: When's the last time you made it, Harry?

Harry: Oh, I haven't had sex in a long time.

Stephanie: Had? Or enjoyed?

Harry: [Chuckling] What's the difference?

Stephanie: You'll have to pay to find out.

Harry: [In jail for urinating in public] This is the first time in my life I've ever been in jail.

Sam Two Feathers: What are you in for?

Harry: Peeing.

Sam Two Feathers: I got a ticket once for shitting.

Harry: Where'd you do it?

Sam Two Feathers: No, not me. My horse - in a hotel lobby.

Harry: Oh.

Harry: When did you last have a woman, Jacob?

Jacob Rivetowski: What?

Harry: When did you last sleep with a woman?

Jacob Rivetowski: Saturday night.

[pause]

Jacob Rivetowski: March.

[pause]

Jacob Rivetowski: 1951. Yeah, it was about ten o'clock at night.

Harry: I know, life is confusing. We're just trying to get on with it that's all.

Burt Coombes Jr.: I know you think you're really far out. You smoke a couple of joints, and you think you're into something, right? No... hey, I know. I mean, I took 32 trips, you ninny. Pure stuff. Pure rainbow! I had more coke stuffed up this nose than you could breathe air. I was into heavy Tibetan meditation for two years, you jimbo!

Harry: You're not very tolerant, Junior.

Burt Coombes Jr.: The heaviest thing I can do for him is to-...

[shouts]

Burt Coombes Jr.: wake him up!

Harry: Who's the vice president this week?

Newspaper vendor: Who cares?

Harry: Jacob, they want me to move.

Jacob Rivetowski: What?

Harry: I got a notice that they're tearing down my building. They're putting up a fancy parking lot.

Jacob Rivetowski: Capitalist bastards!

Harry: Did you ever have Annushka again?

Jacob Rivetowski: No, no... My father started slipping it to her regularly.

Harry: [chuckling] Polish logic!

Jacob Rivetowski: He was a capitalist bastard!

Panhandler: [knocks on car window] Have you got 35 cents?

Harry: Why thirty-five?

Panhandler: I wanna' buy a mink coat.

Harry: Let me tell you something: times are bad. Don't you believe what they're saying in the papers about a recession. We're in a depression.

Taxi Driver: You better believe it.

Harry: Your office near your place?

Eddie Coombes: I don't need an office anymore, Pop. I'm living off the cream now. I sell a little insurance once in a while... or move a nice piece of real estate whenever I need some fast cash. But mostly I play.

Harry: Well, I must say, Eddie, you *look* like a playboy.

Harry: I know lihe is confusing. We're just trying to get on with it.

Harry: Well, there's worse things in life than powdered milk, I suppose.

Mitzi: What are you going to do Harry?

Harry: Kill him.

Harry: The world lost a great clown when you gave up neurology.

Father Matthew Doonan: I'll bet you were a sweet little altar boy.

Harry: Weren't we all?

Harry: Hey, Holy Joe, we don't owe you nuttin', so don't start pushin'.

Father Matthew Doonan: Where you from, tough guy? I hear echoes.

Harry: I've been around... What's it to ya?

Father Matthew Doonan: You spit your T's. That'd be Jersey, I guess, maybe Jersey City. Hunh! I came from just across the River - Hell's Kitchen. We used to eat punks like you.

Harry: Maybe. That's when you had your teeth.

Father Joseph Perreau: God go with you.

Harry: God? Who is he?

Charlie: I've never heard of him.

Buzz Johnson: [sees Harry with a glass of water] Where're you going with the water?

Harry: Oh my tent's on fire!

Stanley: I bet cowboys on Dude Ranches didn't have to go to bed at 8:00

Dennis: Little ones do.

Stanley: Hey Dennis. I'm confused.

Harry: Join the club Dude!

Elsie: What are you confused about Harry?

Harry: [clueless] Uh! You name it!

Elsie: [groans] Awww!

Harry: [Jack makes his first public appearance after Joy's death] Well done, Jack. Life must go on.

Jack: I don't know whether it must, Harry, but it certainly does.

Harry: But she's not...

C. S. Lewis: Not my wife. No, how could she be? I'd have to love her, wouldn't I? She'd have to be more important to me than anything in the World. I'd have to be suffering the torments of the damned. The thought of losing her...

Harry: I'm so sorry, Jack. I didn't know.

C. S. Lewis: Neither did I, Harry.

Harry: Christopher can scoff, Jack, but I know how hard you've been praying; and now God is answering your prayers.

C. S. Lewis: That's not why I pray, Harry. I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God, it changes me.

Harry: You must resign yourself to being extraordinary.

Harry: Give me your shoe! I want to kiss the ground you walk on!

Harry: Sometimes a little distraction's ... a good thing.

Karen: Tell me, if you were in my position, what would you do?

Harry: What position is that?

Karen: Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace, and come Christmas gave it to somebody else...

Harry: Oh, Karen...

Karen: Would you wait around to find out...

Parent: Good night!

Karen: Night, night. Happy Christmas!

[back to Harry]

Karen: Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if, worst of all, it's a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?

Harry: Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. The classic fool!

Karen: [voice breaking] Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me, and you've made the life I lead foolish, too!

Harry: Tell me, exactly, how long it is that you've been working here?

Sarah: Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, what... two hours?

Harry: And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?

Sarah: Ahm, two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, an hour and thirty minutes.

Harry: I thought as much.

Sarah: Do you think everybody knows?

Harry: Yes.

Sarah: Do you think Karl knows?

Harry: Yes.

Sarah: Oh, that is... that is bad news.

Harry: Well I just thought maybe the time had come to do something about it.

Sarah: Like what?

Harry: Invite him out for a drink and then, after about twenty minutes, casually drop into the conversation the fact that you'd like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies.

Sarah: You know that?

Harry: Yes, and so does Karl. Think about it, for all our sakes. It's Christmas.

Sarah: Certainly. Excellent. Will do. Thanks, boss!

Rufus: [gift wrapping a gold necklace] Let me just pop it in the box. There.

Harry: Look, can we be quite quick?

Rufus: Certainly sir. Ready in the flashiest of flashes!

[he ties a ribbon around it]

Rufus: There.

Harry: That's great.

Rufus: Not quite finished...

Harry: [Rufus pulls out a plastic bag] Actually, I don't need a bag, I'll just put it in my pocket.

Rufus: Oh this isn't a bag, sir.

Harry: Really?

Rufus: This is SO much more than a bag...

[Rufus places the necklace box in a cellophane bag, opening one drawer and another, scooping amounts of small roses and lavender in the bag. He then pulls out a four-inch cinnamon stick]

Harry: What's that?

Rufus: It's a cinnamon stick, sir.

Harry: Actually, I really, uh, can't wait.

Rufus: Oh, you won't regret it, sir.

Harry: Wanna bet?

[he ties it around the bag with a piece of string]

Rufus: 'Tis but the work of a moment. There we go. Almost finished.

Harry: [sarcastically] Almost finished? What else can there be? Are you gonna dip it in yogurt? Cover it with Chocolate Buttons?

Harry: [to Rufus the gift-wrapper] NO! No bloody holly!

Harry: Right, the Christmas party. Not my favorite night of the year, and your unhappy job to organize.

Mia: Tell me.

Harry: Well, it's basic, really. Find a venue, over-order on the drinks, bulk-buy the guacamole and advise the girls to avoid Kevin if they want their breasts unfondled.

Karen: Mia's very pretty.

Harry: [nonchalantly but unconvincingly] Is she?

Karen: You know she is, darling. Be careful there.

Karen: Loitering around the jewelry section, I see!

Harry: No. I was just looking around.

Karen: Don't worry, my expectations are not that high after 13 years of Mr. "Oh-but-you-always-LOVE-scarves"! Actually, I do love this one.

Harry: Christmas shopping, never an easy or a pleasant task.

Harry: And of course your mobile goes.

[talking about the opening night of his new play, in which the leading actor forgot all his lines]

Harry: It was the Titanic of play openings but with no survivors. No women, no children, not even Kate Winslet, all dead. We sat in total silence for half an hour, waiting for a moron to remember one single line.

Harry: [Points at photo] That is my daughter.

Tim: Oh.

Harry: Have sex with her if you like. Apparently everyone else has.

Harry: Where did he go?

Marv: Maybe he committed suicide.

Kevin McCallister: I'm over here you big horse's ass, come and get me before I call the police.

Marv: Kids are scared of the dark.

Harry: You're afraid of the dark, too, Marv.

Harry: Why the hell did you take your shoes off?

Marv: Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken?

Harry: [knocks on the back door] Merry Christmas, little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone.

Marv: Yeah, come on, kid, open up. It's Santy Claus... and his elf!

Harry: [snickers] We're not gonna hurt you.

Marv: Oh no, no, we got some nice presents for you.

[Below their heads, Kevin slowly pushes the barrel of the air rifle through the doggie door and takes aim at Harry's groin]

Harry: Be a good little fella now, and open the door.

[PING!]

Harry: [high-pitched] AAAAAAHHHHHHHHOOOO...

[Cursing fluently under his breath, he hops around holding his crotch, and falls to his knees]

Marv: What?

[Harry falls down, still groaning and cursing]

Marv: What? What happened?

Harry: Get the little...!

[Marv goes back and sticks his head through the dog door... and sees Kevin laying on his belly on the floor, aiming the air rifle right between his eyes. Marv smiles lamely]

Kevin McCallister: Hello.

[PING!]

Marv: AH! AHHH...!

[Marv falls back out of the doggie door, clutching his face]

Kevin McCallister: Yes! Yes! Yes-yes-yes-yes!

[He runs off to prepare the next trap]

Marv: The little jerk is armed!

Harry: That's it, that's it! I'm going round the front, you go down to the basement!

[He storms off, swearing under his breath]

Harry: Hi.

Sondra McCallister: Hi.

Harry: Are your parents home?

Sondra McCallister: Yeah.

Harry: Do they live here?

Sondra McCallister: No!

[walks off]

Harry: No. Why should they? All kids. No parents. Probably a fancy orphanage.

Marv: [Harry and Marv arrive at the Mcallister house at 9:00PM] So how do you want to get in?

Harry: We'll go thru the back. Maybe the kid will let us in, you never know.

Marv: Yeah. He's a kid. Kids are stupid.

Marv: Out the window?

[Harry starts climbing out onto a zip line]

Marv: I'm not going out the window!

Harry: What're you scared, Marv? Are you afraid? C'mon, get out here.

Marv: [Marv follows Harry and they start across the rope] Ohhh, let's go back. Let's go back, Harry!

Harry: Shut up, Marv!

Kevin McCallister: [Holds a pair of hedge shears to the rope on his end] Hey guys, check this out!

Harry: Huh, oh, go back!

Marv: Oh! Good!

[They start making their way back]

Marv, Harry: [Kevin severs the rope and both of them drop] AHHHHHHHHHH!

[They slam into a brick wall and fall to the ground]

Harry: [Kevin was almost mowed down by Harry and Marv] Hey, hey! You gotta watch out for traffic, son. You know?

Kevin McCallister: Sorry.

Harry: Damn!

Marv: [to Kevin] Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy.

Harry: Okay, okay. Merry Christmas.

[smiles; his gold tooth glistens; Kevin gasps]

Harry: [Marv brings a load of stolen goods from the Murphy household to the van and Harry sees him laughing] What's so funny? What are you laughing at? You did it again didn't you? You left the water running. What's wrong with you? Why do you do that? I told you not to do it.

Marv: Harry, it's our calling card!

Harry: Calling card.

Marv: All the great ones leave their mark. We're the wet bandits!

Harry: [Barges through the kitchen door after his head is blow-torched] Where are you, you little creep?

[Harry and Marv have caught Kevin in the Murphy's house and hung him on the basement door]

Marv: What are we gonna do to him, Harry?

Harry: We'll do exactly what he did to us: we're gonna burn his head with a blowtorch!

Marv: And smash his face with an iron!

Harry: How about we slap him in the face with a paint can!

Marv: Or shove a nail through his foot!

[Behind them, Marley sneaks in with his snow shovel]

Harry: First thing I'm gonna do is to bite off every one of these little fingers, one at a time...

[Marley raises his shovel and knocks Marv out cold, Harry turns around only to be knocked out, too. Marley lifts Kevin off the door]

Marley: Come on, let's get you home.

Harry: [timidly] What're you doin', Marv?

Marv: [looking at Buzz's tarantula at rest on Harry; whispering warningly] Harry, don't move!

Harry: [questioningly] Maaarv?

Marv: [a little loudly at first, then to a whisper, then attempts to kill the tarantula with his crowbar] Don't...! Move...

Harry: [timidly again] What, what're you doin'? M - Marv...?

[Marv hits him with the crowbar, but the tarantula escapes into Buzz's room]

Harry: Aiee! Jeez... so... crumbin!

Marv: [hurriedly looking around for the tarantula] Did I get him?

[louder]

Marv: Did I get him? Where'd it go? Where is it?

Harry: [starts wacking Marv with his crowbar, the tossing it aside] Never mind, now how do you like that, *huh*? Ya jerk! Get that kid, Marv, get that kid!

Peter McCallister: Hi.

Harry: Hi. Are you Mr. McCallister?

Peter McCallister: Yeah.

Harry: The Mr. McCallister who lives here?

Peter McCallister: Yes.

Pizza Boy: Oh, good, because somebody owes me $122.50.

[From trailer]

Marv: He's a kid. Kids are stupid. I know I was.

Harry: You still are, Marv.

Harry: [sitting outside the McCallister house] I don't get it. I mean right now it looks like there's nobody home. Last night the place was jumping. Something ain't right.

Harry: [to Marv]

Harry: Go check it out.

Marv: [Stares blankly] Now?

Harry: No tomorrow, egghead. NOW! GET! "Now".

Marv: He's gonna call the cops!

Harry: He's not callin' the - from a tree house?

Marv: [listening to a phone message in the house they are robbing] Hey, Harry, that house we were at last night, was that the McCallisters?

Harry: Yeah.

Marv: You're right. They're gone.

Harry: I knew they were.

Marv: Silver tuna tonight!

Kevin McCallister: [behind the dining room door] Oh no, I'm really scared!

Harry: It's too late for you, kid; we're already in the house. We're gonna get ya!

Kevin McCallister: OK, come and get me!

Harry: I think we're getting scammed by a kindergartener.

Officer Devereux: Hey, you know we've been looking for you two guys for a long time. You guys are always leaving the water running whenever you break in, now we know each and every house you guys have hit.

Marv: Yeah. But remember, we're the wet bandits. The wet bandits. W-E-T.

Harry: [shouting] Shut up.

Harry: You bomb me with one more can, kid, and I'll snap off your cajones and boil them in motor oil!

Harry: [pointing to the McCallister house] That's the one, Marv, that's the silver tuna.

Marv: Oh, it's very gee.

Harry: Very gee, huh? It's loaded. It's got lot's of top-flight goods. Stereos, VCRs...

Marv: Toys?

Harry: Probably looking at some very fine jewelry. Possible cash hoarde. Odd marketable securities... Who knows. It's a gem. Hand me a crow bar. Crow bars up.

[they clink their crow bars together]

Harry: [Harry, disguised as a cop greets Peter who's just come down the stairs] Are you Mr McCallister?

Peter McCallister: Yeah.

Harry: The Mr McCallister who lives here?

Peter McCallister: Yes.

Pizza Boy: [chiming in] Oh good, because someone owes me $122.50.

Harry: I'd like a word with you, Sir.

Peter McCallister: Am I under arrest or something like that?

Harry: No, no, no, no, no. It's Christmastime. There's always a lot of burglaries around the holidays. So we're just checking the neighbourhood to see if everyone's taking the proper precautions. That's all.

Peter McCallister: Oh, well we have automatic timers for our lights. Locks for our doors. That's about as good as you can get these days. Did you get some egg nog or something like that?

Buzz McCallister: [comes down the stairs] Come on, Dad. Let's eat.

Harry: Egg... egg nog?

[Peter goes off with Buzz]

Harry: Hey, listen will you be leaving... er?

[trailing off]

Kevin McCallister: [Kevin charges down the stairs] Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!

Marv: [as they follow behind Kevin, he suddenly runs] Why is he going faster?

Harry: See, I told you something was wrong. See I knew he looked at me weird. Why would he run?

Marv: [the McCallister house is filled with supposed partygoers; music is blasting] Did they come back?

Harry: From *Paris*?

[first lines]

Vada Sultenfuss: I was born jaundiced. Once I sat on a toilet seat at a truck stop and caught hemorrhoids. And I've learned to live with this chicken bone that's been lodged in my throat for the past three years. So I knew Dad would be devastated when he learned of my latest affliction.

[to Harry]

Vada Sultenfuss: Dad, I don't want to upset you, but my left breast is developing at a significantly faster rate than my right. It can only mean one thing: cancer. I'm dying.

Harry: [making a sandwich] Okay, sweetie, hand me the mayonnaise out of the fridge.

Vada: Daddy, how come this coffin's so small?

Harry: They come in all sizes, honey, like shoes.

Vada: Is it for a child?

Harry: Of course not!

Vada: Then for who is it?

Harry: Short people. Very short people.

Shelly: She won't come out. It's been a whole day. You have to do something, Harry.

Harry: The funeral's starting.

Shelly: Open your eyes, she's eleven years old! Her only friend in the world is dead.

Harry: I know that, but what do you want from me?

Shelly: Stop hiding, Harry! You run, Harry. When I first came here, the idea of working with dead people didn't exactly thrill me. When I saw a family that lived here, I thought, if I'm living without a family, at least I can work with one and maybe, once in a while, be invited in for supper.

Harry: Yeah... and when those suppers are disrupted because there's a car crash, or there's a fire, or a little boy steps on a beehive...

Shelly: I'm not asking you to stop caring for those people. But life isn't just death, Harry. Don't ignore the living, especially your daughter.

Ray: Harry, I've got an idea.

Harry: What?

Ray: My room faces out the canal, right? I'm going to go back to me room, jump into the canal, see if I can swim to the other side and escape.

Harry: All right.

Ray: If you go outside around the corner, you can shoot at me from there and try to get me. That way we'll leave this lady and her baby out of the whole entire thing.

Harry: You completely promise to jump into the canal? I don't want to run out there, come back in ten minutes, and find you fucking hiding in a cupboard.

Ray: I completely promise, Harry. I'm not going to risk having another little kid dying on me.

Harry: So, hang on - I go outside and I go which way? Right or left?

Ray: [upset] You go right, don't you? You can see it from the doorway! It's a big fucking canal!

Harry: All right. Jesus. I only just got here, haven't I? Okay, on the count of one, two, three, go. Okay?

Ray: Okay.

[long pause]

Ray: What? Who says it?

Harry: Well you say it.

Marie: You people are crazy.

Harry: [to Yuri] An Uzi? I'm not from South Central Los fucking Angeles. I didn't come here to shoot twenty black ten year olds in a drive-by. I want a normal gun for a normal person.

Natalie: [Harry gets angry and is destroying the phone, his wife approach him, saying:] Harry. Harry! It's a inanimate fucking object!

Harry: [to wife] You're an inanimate fuckin' object!

Ken: Harry, let's face it. And I'm not being funny. I mean no disrespect, but you're a cunt. You're a cunt now, and you've always been a cunt. And the only thing that's going to change is that you're going to be an even bigger cunt. Maybe have some more cunt kids.

Harry: [furious] Leave my kids fucking out of it! What have they done? You fucking retract that bit about my cunt fucking kids!

Ken: I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids.

Harry: Insult my fucking kids? That's going overboard, mate!

Ken: I retracted it, didn't I?

Harry: [about Ray] So he's having a really nice time?

Ken: Well, I'm having a really nice time. I'm not sure it's really his cup of tea.

Harry: [after a long pause] What?

Ken: You know, I'm not sure it's really his thing.

Harry: What do you mean it's not really his thing? What's that supposed to mean? It's not really his thing. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Ken: Nothing, Harry.

Harry: It's a fairytale town, isn't it? How's a fairytale town not somebody's fucking thing?How can all those canals and bridges and cobbled streets and those churches, all that beautiful fucking fairytale stuff, how can that not be somebody's fucking thing, eh?

Ken: What I think I meant to say was...

Harry: [Interrupts] Is the swans still there?

Ken: Yeah, there's swans...

Harry: How can fucking swans not fucking be somebody's fucking thing, eh? How can that be?

Harry: Number One, why aren't you in when I fucking told you to be in? Number Two, why doesn't this hotel have phones with fucking voicemail and not have to leave messages with the fucking receptionist? Number Three, you better fucking be in tomorrow night when I fucking call again or there'll be fucking hell to pay. I'm fucking telling you - Harry.

Eirik: I was trying to rob him. And he took my gun from me. And the gun was full of blanks. And he shot a blank into my eye. And now I cannot see from this eye ever again, the doctors say.

Harry: Well to be honest it sounds like it's all your fault.

Eirik: What?

Harry: I mean basically if you're robbing a man and you're only carrying blanks and you allow your gun to be taken off you and you allow yourself to be shot in the eye with a blank which I assume that the person has to get quite close to you then, yeah really it's all your fault for being such a poof, so why don't you stop wingeing and cheer the fuck up.

Yuri: Eirek - I really wouldn't respond.

Eirik: I thought you wanted the guy dead?

Harry: I do want the guy dead, I want him fucking crucified but it don't change the fact that he stitched you up like a blind little gay boy, does it?

Harry: You've got to stick to your principles.

Harry: I'm sorry for calling you an inanimate object. I was upset.

Harry: Not only have you refused to kill the boy, you even stopped the boy from killing himself, which would've solved my problem, which would've solved your problem, which sounds like it would've solved the boy's problem.

Ken: It wouldn't have solved his problem.

Harry: Ken, if I had killed a little kid, accidentally or otherwise, I wouldn't have thought twice. I'd killed myself on the fucking spot. On the fucking spot. I would've stuck the gun in me mouth. On the fucking spot!

Marie: [to Ray and Harry] Why don't you both put your guns down, and go home?

Harry: Don't be stupid. This is the shootout.

Yuri: I also have some dim-dims. You use this word, dim-dims? The bullets that make the head explode?

Harry: Dum-dums. Yeah.

Yuri: Would you like some of these dim-dims?

Harry: I know I shouldn't... but I will.

[takes whole case of dum-dums]

Ticket Seller: The tower is closed this evening.

Ken: No way, it's supposed to be open until seven.

Ticket Seller: The tower is usually open until seven, yesterday an American had a heart attack at the tower, today the tower is closed.

Harry: [Harry hands ticket seller 100 Euros] Here cranky, here's a hundred for you. Were only gonna be twenty minutes.

Ticket Seller: [crumples the money and throws it at Harry's head]

[tapping on Harry's forehead]

Ticket Seller: The tower... is closed... this evening! Understand? English man!

[Ken walks up the tower while Harry proceeds to beat the ticket seller]

Harry: I'm glad he likes it there. I'm glad we were able to give him something, something good and happy. Because he wasn't such a bad kid, was he?

Ken: Huh?

Harry: He wasn't a bad kid, was he?

Harry: [to Ken] Did I ask you to be his psychiatrist? No. I asked you to fucking kill him.

Ken: [Harry shoots Ken in the leg] Fucking cunt!

Harry: Like I'm not going to do nothing to you just because you're standing about like Robert fucking Powell.

Ken: Like who?

Harry: Like Robert fucking Powell out of Jesus of fucking Nazareth.

Ken: [about Ray] Harry, he's definitely gone.

Harry: You realize there are no bowling alleys in Bruges.

Ken: I realize that, Harry. The boy wanted to have a look anyway.

Harry: What are they going to have? A medieval fucking bowling alley?

Harry: [when he meets Eirik, the poof skinhead, with the eye-patch] "Aye-Aye!"

Harry: There is no perfect. There will always be struggle. You just need to choose who you wanna struggle with.

Harry: You can't allow the ones you love to determine how you love.

Harry: Conner, don't worry about it. You were up there for, like, ten seconds.

Conner: Ten seconds is an eternity, Harry. It's a third of the way to Mars.

Harry: Conner, we've talked about this. Thirty Seconds to Mars is the name of a band. It's not a fact.

Conner: Harry, what the hell?

Harry: First of all, this is an 18,000-seat arena. Nobody sells this out. You sold 15,000 seats. That's still really good.

Conner: No, it's not good. Hammerleg sold this place out last week.

Harry: Well, Aquaspin agrees with you. They're concerned about ticket sales.

Conner: What? But it's an 18,000 seat place. Nobody sells that out.

Harry: Hammerleg did last week.

Hunter: Oh! Conner4Real in the flesh? Hey, yo! It's... It's an honor to meet you, man. CONNquest, Style Boyz, I grew up off that shit, man.

Owen: Thanks.

Hunter: I wanna be you, kind of, but not white. Like black still, 'cause it's strong. It's a strong color.

Conner: For sure, yeah.

Hunter: Like, you are that dude. Like, have you met you? Have you met you? You? Have you met you?

Conner: Yeah, yeah.

Hunter: You know what I'm saying? This is crazy.

Harry: You be you.

Hunter: You don't want me to be all that 'cause I'll tear some shit up. You know how it is?

Conner: That is great...

Hunter: Hell, yeah! We gonna turn up a show up here! You know how it is!

Conner: Okay.

Hunter: But seriously, man. I'm real honored, dawg. I'm not gonna let you down. You my idol, right next to Jesus and Morgan Freeman.

Deborah: We can upload your entire album to fridges, washer dryers, blenders, and microwaves across the country.

Owen: You could do that?

Deborah: Yes, nerd. It's just wifi jibber jabber; it's not a big deal.

Eddie: Nobody doin' appliance shit, my nigga.

Deborah: Isn't that right, my nigger? No one is doing appliance shit!

Harry: Okay... w-with the hard "r".

Perry: My $2000 ceramic Vektor my mother got me as a special gift. You threw in the lake next to the car. What happens when they drag the lake? You think they'll find my pistol. Jesus. Look up "idiot" in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?

Harry: A picture of me?

Perry: No! The definition of the word idiot, which you fucking are!

Perry: We gotta move her somewhere. You got gloves?

Harry: Excuse me?

Perry: Gloves. Do you have gloves? You have to move her. If it's a frame-up, some asshole's probably calling the cops on you right now. Do this: wrap up the body in a blanket, a sheet, anything.

Harry: Okay, any particular kind of gloves?

Perry: Yes, fawn. Will you fucking hurry!

Harry: Perry?

Perry: Yeah?

Harry: I peed on it.

Perry: What? You peed on what?

Harry: I peed on the corpse. Can they do, like, ID from that?

Perry: I'm sorry, you peed on...?

Harry: On the corpse. My question is...

Perry: No, my question, I get to go first: Why in pluperfect hell would you pee on a corpse?

Harry: I didn't intend to! It's not like I did it for kicks!

Perry: Go. Sleep badly. Any questions, hesitate to call.

Harry: Bad.

Perry: Excuse me?

Harry: Sleep bad. Otherwise it makes it seem like the mechanism that allows you to sleep...

Perry: What, fuckhead? Who taught you grammar? Badly's an adverb. Get out. Vanish.

Harry: Well what I'm doing for the guy who likes to bluff is I'm playing a little game called "Am I Bluffing?"

[Loads one round into the revolver to play Russian Roulette]

Harry: Where is she? Where the fuck is Harmony? You want to play hardball? I can do that.

[Spins the chamber and points the gun]

Harry: Where is the girl?

[Shoots the guy in the head]

Perry: [Stuttering at first] What did you just do?

Harry: [Confused] I just put in one bullet, didn't I?

Perry: You put a live round in that gun?

Harry: Well yeah, there was like an 8% chance.

Perry: Eight? Who taught you math!

Harry: Do you think I'm stupid?

Perry: I don't think you'd know where to put food at, if you didn't flap your mouth so much. Yes I think you're stupid.

Harry: Still gay?

Perry: Me? No. I'm knee-deep in pussy. I just like the name so much, I can't get rid of it.

Perry: How about you, Harry, did your father love you?

Harry: Ah, sometimes, like when I dressed up like a bottle. How about yours?

Perry: Well, he used to beat me in Morse code, so it's possible, but he never actually said the words.

Harry: What is it out here with these women?

Harmony: Oh please, Harry, they're no different from anywhere else.

Harry: Yes, they are. These are damaged goods, every one of them, from way back. I'm telling you, you take a guy who sleeps with 100 women a year, go into his childhood - dollars to doughnuts, it's relatively unspectacular...

Harry: [putting a cigarette in his mouth] ... Now, you take one of these... gals, who sleeps with 100 guys a year, and I *bet* you if you look in their childhood, there's something rotten in Denver.

Harmony: Denmark.

Harry: [closing his cigarette lighter] That too! But it's abandonment, it's abuse, it's, "My uncle put his ping-ping in my papa!"... and then they all come out here!

Harry: [continuing] I mean, it's literally like someone took America by the East Coast and *shook* it, and all the normal girls managed to hang on.

Harmony: OK, everyone who hates Harry raise your hand!

[all the girls in the club raise their hands]

Perry: See that? Obedient little bitches too.

[girl screams "Fuck you!" and throws a glass, which he dodges]

Harmony: Well, for starters, she's been fucked more times than she's had a hot meal.

Harry: Yeah, I heard about that. It was neck-and-neck and then she skipped lunch.

Harry: [after Perry removes a gun from his crotch after shooting their captor] Wow! I was glad you had a gun in there. For a second, I actually thought you could do that, like it was some big gay thing.

Harry: Don't worry, I saw Lord of the Rings. I'm not going to end this 17 times.

Harry: Yeah, boo, hiss, I know. Look, I hate it too. In movies where the studio gets all paranoid about a downer ending so the guy shows up, he's magically alive on crutches, I hate that. I mean shit, why not bring them all back.

[Everyone who has been killed starts meandering into the hospital room, including Abraham Lincoln; a nurse shoos them all out again]

Harry: But the point is in this case, this time, it really happened. Perry, like, lived. Yeah, it's a dumb movie thing, but what do you want me to do, lie about it?

Harry: She had something, that gal tonight, this quality. You know, like the girl from high school, the one that got away that - you know what I mean? - that haunts you still.

Perry: Yeah, I had that.

Harry: You did?

Perry: Bobby Mills.

Harry: Eugh. Hunh. Well, maybe you should try to get in touch with him. I got 5 bucks says you could still get him.

Perry: Really? That's funny. I got a 10 says pass the pepper. I got two quarters sing harmony on "Moonlight in Vermont".

Harry: What?

Harry: Talking money.

Harry: A talking monkey?

Perry: A talking monkey, yeah, yeah. Came here from the future. Ugly sucker. Only says "ficus".

Harry: Look, you want to see something cool?

[Harry pulls out a copy of a Gossamer book with a hole in it]

Harmony: Oh cool! This stopped the bullet, Harry.

[Harmony pokes her finger through the hole in the book. Harry taps his bullet wound]

Harry: No, not really.

Harry: Oh Wow. Woo. It's tiny. Is this real?

Perry: Yeah, it's a Derringer. It's loaded. I call it my faggot gun.

Harry: Because...

Perry: Because its only good for a couple shots, then you gotta drop it for something better. You asked, Chief.

[Harry catches Agent Type feeling up Harmony, who's passed out]

Harry: You know what? You'd better be her doctor.

[Agent Type looks up, busted]

Harry: Walk away, don't think, just do it.

Agent Type: What are you, her brother or something? It's none of your business, man. I will fuck you up.

Harry: [coolly] No. You'll try, and that little experiment will end in tears, my friend. So, again for the cheap seats, do not think, walk the *fuck* away - or let's you and me go outside right now. It's past my bedtime. Make a choice.

[Cut immediately to Harry on the ground, getting savagely beaten by the Agent Type]

Harry: Is she a looker?

Perry: She opens the door, and she got nothing on but the radio. Yeah, invites me to sit down, sits on my lap, fires up a spliff.

Harry: Geez. Really?

Perry: No. Idiot.

Harmony: [naked in bed] You can sleep here if you want but it would only be sleeping, Harry... if thats gonna frustrate you.

Harry: [pause] Let's see.

Harry: Umm, clearly I'm interrupting. I feel badly. Let me... What are you drinking?

Harmony: Bad.

Harry: Bad? Sorry... feel...?

Harmony: You feel bad.

Harry: Bad?

Harmony: Badly is an adverb. So to say you feel badly would be saying that the mechanism which allows you to feel is broken.

Harry: Is she dead?

Perry: No, she's just resting her eyes for a minute. Of course she's fucking dead, her neck's broken.

Harmony: You think I'm amazing. You do. Cause that's who I told you I'd be. That was the game plan.

Harry: Yeah, well, you know what, it worked.

Harmony: You know what? No one else thinks so.

Harry: What, my opinion doesn't count?

Harmony: Actually, no it doesn't. Cause you're new here. If you just look around, there's younger and there's better.

Harry: I don't want younger and better, I want you!

Harry: [narrating] I tell him about destiny; he's shaking his head. About dreamgirls; he doesn't care. I mention the underwear thing? He has a *fucking conniption*. And you? How 'bout it, filmgoer? Have you solved the case of the - the dead people in L.A.? Times Square audiences, please don't shout at the screen, and stop picking at that, it'll just get worse.

Harry: [narrating] Anyway, by now you may wonder how I wound up here. Or, maybe not. Maybe you wonder how silly putty picks shit up from comic books. The point is, I don't see another Goddamn narrator, so pipe down.

Harry: [voiceover] I sent Harmony home believing A, we'd meet tomorrow to go over her case, and B, I'm not actually gay. Please do not ask me how I did B.

Perry: Merry Christmas, sorry I fucked you over.

Harry: No problem. Don't quit your gay job.

Harry: Wow, I feel sore. I mean physically, not like a guy who's angry in a movie in the 1950's.

Perry: Don't blame yourself. Listen. sometimes these things just happen.

Harry: For a reason. For a reason? Why? Because I fall off a building, 10 people in Baltimore survive a bus crash? Swell, they're enjoying Baltimore. I'm lying here with my brains out.

Perry: I've been to Baltimore. You win.

Harry: And that's how she got to the same party as me. Oh shit. I skipped something. Damn it. This whole robot bit. I made a big deal, then I like totally forgot. Fuck, this is bad narrating. Like my dad telling a joke. "Oh, wait back up. I forgot to tell you the cowboy rode a blue horse." Fuck. Anyway, I don't know if you want to see it now, but here's the fucking robot stuff for your viewing pleasure. Can I say "fuck" more?

Perry: How about you, Harry, did your father love you?

Harry: Ah, sometimes, you know - like when I dressed up like a bottle. How about yours?

Perry: Well, he used to beat me in Morse code, so it's possible, but he never actually said the words.

Harry: So the whole... reconcilement... thing?

Perry: Reconciliation, idiot.

Harry: [after overpowering and pistol-whipping a guy who'd had a gun on him and Perry] Doesn't that suck? I just hit you for no reason. I don't even know why.

Perry: Rule number 1...

Harry: Yeah.

Perry: This business. Real life, boring.

Harry: Watch your hand.

[Harry slams the door in Harmony's face]

Harry: Hey, hey, hey! It's Christmas, where's my present, Slick?

Perry: Your fucking present is you're not in jail, fag-hag.

Perry: Rule number one: this business, real life, it's boring. Do you have to smoke?

Harry: You want me to put it out?

Perry: Yeah, soon as you find a large, brown clump of shrubs, just throw it in there.

Perry: What are you doing?

Harry: I'm just trying to wrap up the movie, and leave people with a message.

Perry: Oh, I've got a message for you. Get your feet off my fucking desk.

Harry: Sorry.

[Harry moves his feet]

Harry: I work for Perry now, obviously.

Perry: [Perry places his hand over Harry's mouth] And stop narrating.

Harry: [voiceover] I was wetter than Drew Barrymore at a grunge club.

Harry: You remember the one I said that got away, yeah well that one was her. It all came flooding back how I was the one she confided in, the one she trusted, meanwhile she was doing every other guy in school. It was the first time I felt it, how pitying someone and wanting to fuck them can get all tangled up in your head... overwhelming sadness while having a rodney. Is that sick? Hm yeah, I think that's sick...

B-Movie Actress: So what do you do for a living?

Harry: Uh, I'm retired. I invented dice when I was a kid. How about you do?

Mr. Frying Pan: Well now, here we all are. Ike, Mike and Mustard.

Harry: What the hell does that mean?

Mr. Fire: You know, I'm with him on this one man, that's pretty fuckin' obscure.

Mr. Frying Pan: Horseshit, I hear that all the time.

Mr. Fire: You do?

Mr. Frying Pan: Yeah, sure.

Mr. Fire: Where, at the 1942 club?

Mr. Frying Pan: Hey, just cause you didn't get in...

Mr. Fire: Motherfucker I could've gotten in...

[Harry tries to make a break for it]

Mr. Fire: [pushing Harry back into his seat] Hey-ey-EY! Slow your roll, man!

Harry: [to himself] And yeah, looking back, I maybe should've said something, told her I wasn't really a nipple - DETECTIVE, detective. Uhm, sorry...

Harry: By the way, this thing?

[Imitates Perry's nose-touching gesture]

Harry: Single gayest thing you've ever done.

Harry: This is every shade of wrong.

Harry: Its hard to believe it was just last Christmas that Harmony and I changed the world. And we didn't mean to and it didn't last long. You know a thing like that can't.

Harry: Your mouth is a recommended place to put a sock.

Perry: Do you have to smoke?

Harry: Do you want me to put it out, when we get near the...?

Perry: Yeah, as soon as you find a large, brown clump of shrubs. Just throw it in there.

Harry: When in doubt, cut up a pig - that was the town's motto.

Harry: [after shooting many men he drops the gun down on the street] There... All done... Finished.

Harmony: Harmony: Oh, God. No more lies, Harry, no more. Are you a detective? Huh? Are you a detective, Harry?

Harry: Harry: Who told you that?

Harmony: Harmony: Flicka, Flicka. You know? My friend Flicka, she told me. If you are, then I really need your help.

Harry: Harry: Well...

Harry: She slept with Chook Chutney!

Perry: Wait, "Chook Chutney"? Yeah he's gay.

Sally: He just met her... She's supposed to be his transitional person, she's not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.

Harry: If you could take him back now, would you?

Sally: No. But why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?

Harry: Nothing.

Sally: I'm difficult.

Harry: You're challenging.

Sally: I'm too structured, I'm completely closed off.

Harry: But in a good way.

Sally: No, no, no, I drove him away. AND, I'm gonna be forty.

Harry: When?

Sally: Someday.

Harry: In eight years.

Sally: But it's there. It's just sitting there, like some big dead end. And it's not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had kids when he was 73.

Harry: Yeah, but he was too old to pick them up.

Sally: When Joe and I started seeing each other, we wanted exactly the same thing. We wanted to live together, but we didn't want to get married because every time anyone we knew got married, it ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again. It's true, it's one of the secrets that no one ever tells you. I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids - and, actually, my one girlfriend who has kids, Alice - and she would complain about how she and Gary never did it anymore. She didn't even complain about it, now that I think about it. She just said it matter-of-factly. She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted all the time, the kids just took every sexual impulse they had out of them. And Joe and I used to talk about it, and we'd say we were so lucky we have this wonderful relationship, we can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in. We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. And then one day I was taking Alice's little girl for the afternoon because I'd promised to take her to the circus, and we were in the cab playing "I Spy" - I spy a mailbox, I spy a lamp-post - and she looked out the window and she saw this man and this woman with these two little kids. And the man had one of the little kids on his shoulders, and she said, "I spy a family." And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. And I went home, and I said, "The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."

Harry: And the kitchen floor?

Sally: [sadly] Not once. It's this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile.

Marie: Restaurants are to people in the 80's what theatres were to people in the 60's. I read that in a magazine.

Jess: I wrote that.

Marie: Get out of here.

Jess: I did, I wrote that.

Marie: Where did I read that?

Jess: New York magazine

Harry: Sally writes for New York magazine

Harry: [after he has run into his ex-wife] She looked weird didn't she? She looked really weird.

Sally: I don't know, I've never seen her before.

Harry: Trust me, she looked weird. Her legs looked heavy. Really, she must retaining water.

Sally: Harry.

Harry: Believe me, the woman saved everything.

CC Bloom: Harry, I did you catch that set? Those people loved me! So, I was wondering if I could borrow fifty dollars until pay day.

Harry: No.

CC Bloom: What the hell is this, a piano bar or a Nazi work camp? I'm singing my heart out for bupkus, peanuts. I'm eating dog food and you can't even give me fifty dollars you already owe me?

[Harry hands her the money]

CC Bloom: Oh, Harry, you're an angel. If your mother hadn't been such a bitch, we could've shared something important.

Harry: Erica, you are a woman to love.

Harry: Schmucks are people too.

Erica Barry: I'm like the dumb girl that doesn't get it. I've never been the dumb girl before. It ain't great.

Harry: Let's just calm down. I had these plans before I even met you. I mean, I do like seeing you. I do.

Erica Barry: [scoff] Yeah.

Harry: I'm always surprised by it.

Erica Barry: Surprised by it? What was I thinking?

Harry: I have never lied to you. I have always told you some version of the truth.

Erica Barry: The truth doesn't have versions, okay?

Harry: Will you cut me a little slack? My life has just been turned upside down.

Erica Barry: Mine too!

Harry: Well, then let's just each get our bearings.

Erica Barry: I don't want my bearings. I've had my bearings my whole goddamn life. I feel something with you I never really knew existed. Do you know what that's like, after a 20-year marriage to feel something for another person that is so...? That... Oh, Right. Right. Not your problem. God. Do you know that I've written this, but I never really got it? Do you know what this is?

Harry: No.

Erica Barry: [Erica kisses Harry] This is heartbroken. How's that for impervious.

Harry: You're killing me.

Erica Barry: I just wish that it had lasted more than a week.

Harry: Me too.

Erica Barry: That is a terrible thing to say. You know, the life I had before you I knew how to do that. I could do that forever. But now look at me. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do with all this?

Harry: Erica. Can you wait just a second? The truth is, I... I just... I don't know how to be a boyfriend.

Erica Barry: That's what you have to say after all of this? That you don't know how to be a boyfriend?

Harry: That's not a small thing.

Erica Barry: [shakes head] Are we done?

Harry: I don't know.

Erica Barry: Oh, my God.

[Erica gets in taxi and drives away]

Harry: I've never seen a woman that age naked before.

Julian Mercer: You're kidding.

Harry: Hey! We're not all doctors, baby.

Harry: I just have one question: What's with the turtlenecks? I mean it's the middle of summer.

Erica: Well I guess I'm just a turtleneck kind of gal.

Harry: You never get hot?

Erica: No.

Harry: Never?

Erica: Not lately.

Harry: Where's Julian?

Erica: He's back at the hotel. He said when he saw me with you, he knew I was still in love with you... what do you have to say about that?

Harry: If... if it's true, my life just got made.

Harry: [to a madly irritated Erica] I don't think I've ever had this effect on a woman before.

Erica Barry: What effect do you think you're having on me?

Harry: I don't quite recognize it. That's how I know I never had it before.

Harry: I have never lied to you, I have always told you some version of the truth.

Erica Barry: The truth doesn't have versions, okay?

Harry: [after a kiss] Soft lips.

Erica: I'm so glad they still work. I haven't used them for kissing in such a long time, more like for wearing lipstick... and whistling.

Erica Barry: [after kissing Harry passionately for the first time] I'm... I'm sorry.

Harry: For what?

Erica Barry: I... I just kissed you.

Harry: No, honey. *I* kissed *you*.

Harry: [after Erica tries to get Harry arrested] You don't understand... i'm dating your daughter.

Erica Barry: Oh my God! Your dating my daughter?

Harry: Now who would have thought that was worst news?

Marin: Harry was once engaged to Diane Sawyer.

Zoe: Diane Sawyer? No way, I love her!

Erica Barry: That's wonderful!

Harry: Women your age love that about me.

Erica Barry: Ah.

Harry: No, that's a good thing.

Erica Barry: I'm sure you meant it as a compliment.

Harry: Yes, it was meant as a compliment.

Erica Barry: What are you doing here, Harry?

Harry: Turns out the heartattack was easy to get over. You... were something else. I finally get it. I'm 63 years old... and I'm in love for the first time in my life.

Harry: Oh. *Her*. She is a *major* piece of work. Doc, the woman wears turtlenecks in the middle of summer: she's *beyond* uptight. Almost makes her fun to be around.

Julian Mercer: Uptight. That's funny, I haven't noticed that.

Harry: Try living with her.

Harry: What about birth control?

Erica Barry: Menopause.

Harry: [grinning] Who's the lucky boy?

Erica Barry: [Harry walks in, with her naked] Ahh!

Harry: [Seeing Erica] Oh! Oh.

Erica Barry: No! STOP!

Harry: OH! OOH!

Erica Barry: [Walking behind the door] AAHH! STOP!

Harry: [Hits a wall full of pictures, covering his eyes partly] Oh, I'm sorry! Oh, God, am I sorry?

Erica Barry: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Harry: I'm sorry! I didn't see anything. Except maybe a few tits!

[Diane screams and runs away]

Julian Mercer: You know what Freud said they are no accidents.

Harry: Trust me this was an accident.

Harry: What's with the turtlenecks? It's the middle of summer.

Erica Barry: Honestly what do you care what I wear?

Harry: Just curious.

Erica Barry: I like them I've always liked them and I am just a turtleneck kind of gal.

Harry: You never get hot?

Erica Barry: No.

Harry: Never?

Erica Barry: Not Lately.

Harry: I'm dating your daughter, Marin. She invited me here for the weekend. She is in her room right now changing.

Erica Barry: Aah! You're dating my daughter?

Harry: Now who would have thought that would be worst news?

Harry: You know, it isn't like I wanted to stop seeing you. We could have carried on a fun thing for awhile. Why is that you broads want all or nothing?

Todd: Looking good, Louis!

Louis Winthorpe III: Feeling good, Todd.

Harry: We, uh, need a fourth for squash today, Louis. Are you interested?

Louis Winthorpe III: No can do. I'll be having dinner with Penelope tonight.

Andrew: Oh, lucky you.

Louis Winthorpe III: It's not luck. Todd.

Ryan: OK, where are we going next, Harry's school?

Anna (in Tess's body): Oh, he can walk from here.

Harry: It's 20 blocks!

Anna (in Tess's body): Fresh air will do you good.

Harry: But what about bullies?

Anna (in Tess's body): Run fast.

Tess (in Anna's body): Role-playing! Her idea. New therapeutic technique. Switching points of view.

Grandpa: If I switch with Harry, do I have to wear a thong?

Harry: [mocking Grandpa] Earthquake. Save me. Earthquake.

Harry: Get a room!

[after dropping "Anna" off at school]

Ryan: Okay, where are we going next? Harry's school?

Anna (in Tess's body): [smirking at Harry] Oh, he can walk from here.

Harry: It's twenty blocks!

Anna (in Tess's body): Fresh air will do you good.

Harry: But what about bullies?

Anna (in Tess's body): Run fast.

Harry: [straws sticking out of his nose] Look I'm a walrus!

Harry: Don't tell her I like her

Anna (in Tess's body): Why not?

Harry: Because we have too much fun fighting

Anna (in Tess's body): You're way more twisted than I though

[she playful kicks him in his rear, he tries to do the same but can't reach]

Anna (in Tess's body): this try

Harry: You go and ask her you old fart

Grandpa: Boy youth is wasted on the young

Harry: Quirky, messy women whose problems only make them endearing are not real.

Calvin Weir-Fields: She's a person.

Harry: You haven't written a person, okay? You've written a girl.

Harry: I love Susie, but she's a weirdo. Sometimes, she's mean as fuck for no reason.

Calvin Weir-Fields: I had a weird dream last night. There was this girl...

Harry: What'd she look like?

Calvin Weir-Fields: ...Like a normal girl, someone I made up.

Harry: Did you have sex?

Calvin Weir-Fields: No, she just talked to me.

Harry: That's fucking depressing.

Calvin Weir-Fields: It was actually really nice.

Harry: Seriously? You don't even get laid in your dreams? That's just sad.

Calvin Weir-Fields: Do you remember what you told me when you met Susie?

Harry: I certainly didn't pretend I invented her, Calvin.

Calvin Weir-Fields: The only reason girls ever want to sleep with me is that they read my book in high school.

Harry: So?

Calvin Weir-Fields: So they're not interested in me, they're interested in... some idea of me.

Harry: That's why you have to work out. So they'll want you for your body.

George Henderson: Harry, sometimes you've just gotta wonder if there's any real difference between you and I. I mean, I can be pretty hairy too, you know.

Harry: [Groans]

Nikki: How do you like my new house?

Harry: You think any girls are gonna believe this is your house?

Nikki: The young ones do. Oh FYI, I'm a graphic designer if anyone asks.

[is looking glum]

Nikki: What? What happened?

Harry: I blew it.

Nikki: With who?

Harry: El Paso Erin.

Nikki: That DJ girl?

Harry: No, that's Hi-fi Tara. No El Paso's a somatologist. She's...

Nikki: That's...

Harry: I fuckin' froze up. I couldn't say anything. I... I started making cricket noises.

Nikki: You know what your problem is? You care too much. You gotta cut out the conversation, right? And just say something to piss 'em off.

Harry: Why?

Nikki: 'Cause once you piss 'em off, you set up the apology. And once you apologize you look like a sensitive guy.

Harry: I am a sensitive guy.

Nikki: All right, but you've gotta look like a rebel before you look like a sensitive guy.

Dr. Phibes, Waiting Room Doctor: Harry's gone bye-bye, he's gone to the big bye-bye. He's got his name in the papers on the back side. It's "Toe Tag Time in Teenville Tonight". Again. Should've just said no, Harry.

Harry: I'm not dead am I?

Dr. Phibes, Waiting Room Doctor: Actually, you don't have a pulse. I think you're dead.

Paul Denton: Do you have any E?

Harry: That shit makes your spinal fluid run backwards.

Harry: Dashiel (Suggesting a name for the baby! His real life son's name!)

Harry: Batteries not included.

Harry: We bring good things to life!

Harry: [before punching Carlos out the Door] I'll take door Number 1.

Harry: Richard! I'm gonna get you! You hear me, Richard? YOU HEAR ME, RICHARD? I'm going to get you f...

[a wave washes over his head, cutting him off abruptly]

Richard Vickers: You've gotta hold your breath there, Harry. You've gotta hold your breath!

Richard Vickers: I'll shoot you dead!

Harry: You can't shoot us dead, Richard...

Becky: ...because we're already dead!

Harry: We want to see you, Richard. We dug a hole for you, Richard...

Becky: ...on the beach!

Harry: [Richard has jammed his foot in the doorway] That may work on TV, mister, but I can bench-press three hundred pounds. You better get your foot out of the way, or you're gonna lose half of it!

Richard Vickers: Don't call me "mister". You know damn well who I am.

Fritz: You will enter Mrs. Van Hoskins' room, through the adjoining room and you will take the jewel case to the basement.

Harry: What if she wakes up and sees me?

Fritz: You will tell her you are smitten with her, that you have have followed her all night, and you will make passionate love to her.

Harry: Couldn't I just kill her?

Fritz: [Mrs. Van Hoskins approaches] Here she comes now, did you get the jewels out of the hotel?

Harry: Nah, I stashed 'em in 1714, I didn't have time...

Fritz: 1714? What kind of house detective are you? Cannot commit a simple burglary.

Harry: I'm ashamed.

Fritz: Nevermind. I will return the case to her room, while you detain her.

Harry: How do I do that?

Fritz: Use your charm!

[walks away]

Harry: Charm... use your charm.

[as Mrs. Van Hoskins walks by, Harry trips her and she falls]

Harry: You hear the funny sound? You hear the funny sound? It's my hooves. It's my hooves.

Harry: You found my treasure? Why didn't you tell me?

Lloyd Christmas: Three words: I did.

[Harry is about to throw away Lloyd's chipped tooth]

Lloyd: No! Wait - save it for the Tooth Fairy.

Harry: I happen to know for a fact that my mother is the Tooth Fairy.

Lloyd: No way! Your mom's the Tooth Fairy?

Harry: Yeah, she flies around at night while I'm asleep.

Lloyd: Well nice to meet you. I'm Lloyd Christmas.

Harry: Well, I'll be. Here I am bragging about how my mom's the Tooth Fairy and you're dad's Santa Claus!

Harry: I like your flight suit.

Ray: I'm a custodian.

Harry: Well then...

[salutes Ray]

Lloyd Christmas: Somebody chipped my tooth!

Harry: How do you think I feel? Somebody bit me in the forehead!

Jessica's Mom: [Jessica's Mom notices Harry is digging into the dinner rolls she has prepared] I see you like my rolls.

Harry: [Stares at Jessica's Mom] Yeah. I like a woman with some meat on her bones.

Harry: Geez, what's wrong with him?

Young Man in Hospital: Oh that's Johnson. He's on a hunger strike so they are force-feeding him to keep him alive.

Harry: At least there's some humanity here.

Young Man in Hospital: They're going to electrocute him next week.

[Harry slaps Rory's hand when he touches his hand]

Harry: Do you mind? What'd you kill your step-father for anyway?

Rory: Criticizing my new fur jacket... and... slapping my hand.

[Harry puts Rory's hand back on his hand]

Philip Marlowe: Listen Harry, in case you lose me in traffic, this is the address where I'm going. You look great.

Harry: Thank you.

Philip Marlowe: I'd straighten your tie a little bit. Harry, I'm proud to have you following me.

Harry: Don't be sorry, just put on some new underwear.

Harry: Cookie, do you know what a black hole is?

Cookie: Sure, that's how I make my livin'!

Harry: [to a suffering damned soul in Hell] What did you do?

Damned Man: I invented aluminum siding.

Harry: The ironic thing is that the school that kicked me out is honoring me soon.

Shrink: Why did they kick you out?

Harry: Because I wasn't interested in college. I wanted to be a writer and that's all I cared about. Also, I tried to give the Dean's wife an enema. They didn't take kindly to that.

[First lines]

Harry: [narrating] Dude, let me tell you something. French, they have it all figured out, right? I read this article online, actually an in-depth blog, and it was saying how they consistently have better, more fulfilling relationships than americans because they aren't so... so goal oriented when it comes to love. They don't judge a relationship based on the final outcome. They value the actual journey.

Maren: It was weird.

Harry: Why was it weird?

Maren: Uh, start with... size.

[laughs]

Harry: Was he, like...

Maren: 50 pounds heavier than...

Harry: Oh, I was thinking something *completely* different.

Harry: If everything isn't in order... I get... constipated

Suzette: [Looks over her drink] Like I needed to know *that*.

Suzette: Ever heard of Frank Zappa?

Harry: Sure. The Mothers of Invention.

Suzette: Wow. Very good Harry. Well, he named us. The Banger Sisters.

Harry: But you weren't really sisters.

Suzette: No

Harry: Good 'cause I wouldn't have been comfortable if you were sisters.

Suzette: You're not comfortable now, Harry.

Harry: [turns off Suzettes loud stereo] I'm 50.

Suzette: This had better be good cause you just fucked with my music.

Harry: I'm 50, and I'm going to give myself a birthday present. I'll tell you what it is but you have to promise not to judge.

Suzette: You gotta tell somebody, Harry.

Harry: I made myself a deadline. If I wasn't successful by the time I turned 50 then I'm coming back to Phoenix.

[takes a rifle out of his case]

Harry: I've never fired a gun in my life. It's got only one bullet. One bullet intended for one specific person.

Suzette: And who would that one person be, Harry?

Harry: My father. I'm going to Phoenix to kill my father.

[Harry is describing his negative childhood/father]

Harry: When I was four...

Suzette: Fuck four!

Harry: I disappointed him! He hated me!

Lavinia: Oh for goodness sakes.

[Knocks Harry over with the car]

Suzette: [on seeing Hannah at prom looking sick] Oh god, whats she on?

Jules: Nothing, we just had champange.

Suzette: Don't bullshit me.

Prom Girl: Shes on acid.

Suzette: How long ago did she drop it?

Prom Girl: Two hours maybe?

Suzette: Two hours she's gonna be really messed up, you guys should go.

Jules: Leave her here with you? We don't even know you.

Suzette: I'm a friend of her mother's.

Jules: Yeah, right Hannah's mother.

Suzette: Lavinia Kingsley, Handsome. Now go. Go on, get out here!

Harry: Her mother is Vinny?

Suzette: Yeah. Just breathe honey

[Hannah starts throwing up]

Suzette: Ooo wow... Just let it go. Let it go. Ooo there's another one, Harry you may never shit again!

Harry: It's a bloody euphonium!

Women on picket line: [chanting] The miners, united, will never be defeated.

Andy: Poor old biddies. Don't they know they're pissing in the wind, like the rest of us?

Ernie: Can they do that, women?

Andy: What?

Ernie: Piss in the wind.

Jim: No, Ernie. That's just the point.

Ernie: No, but on a nice day, you know, when there's no wind about. They can't - you know - get any direction on it.

Jim: All right, whatever it is that lasses do that's pointless.

Andy: Bloody hell. So much to choose from.

Phil: Fart in a force ten?

Jim: By god, Phil, you don't half know some funny women.

Harry: Steady lads. My missus does that.

All: [guffaw]

Harry: You daft bastards. Women Against Closure? That is when she's not farting in a force ten!

Harry: Blimey, Danny, you've been on 'oliday or wha'?

Danny: Howdayamean?

Harry: Well, it may've escaped your notice like the pit's under threat.

Danny: Aye. Wha'sat got'do wi'this?

Harry: Oh my. You're right. Not alot.

Brenda Brown: I can pay you back now... for all you did for us. The house, the move, everything.

Harry: You don't get it, do you?

Brenda Brown: Get what?

Harry: I didn't do all of that so you could pay me back.

Brenda Brown: I'm sorry. I'm just so used to being taken advantage of and...

Harry: Yeah, that you don't even know when somebody loves you!

Brenda Brown: Love me?

Harry: Yeah. Tell Mike I said congratulations.

Brenda Brown: Hey, what if I told you I love you too? But I got scared for a second, but I'd rather be scared and with you than be not scared and not have you.

Harry: Why would I scare you?

Brenda Brown: 'Cause you're everything I always wanted in a man.

Harry: Then let me be that for you.

[after Louis has 'dealt' with the Major on the roof']

Professor Marcus: Well, where is he? Where *is* the Major? Is he up there still?

Harry: No, no, he, uh, he come down.

Professor Marcus: Well bring him here!

Harry: He come down... with the chimney-pot.

Professor Marcus: With the chimney- ?

[chuckles]

Professor Marcus: Is he hurt?

Louis: I shouldn't think he felt a thing.

[Harry and Marcus are distracting Mrs. Wilberforce while Louis deals with the Major on the roof]

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: It won't do any harm to tell you now that Major Courtney has gone to the police. They'll be here shortly.

[there is a loud crash from outside]

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Oh! Whatever is that?

Harry: I expect something fell off the roof, mum.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: The roof?

Harry: Probably a... chimney-pot.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: A chimney-pot?

Professor Marcus: See who it is, Harry

[pushes Harry out the door]

[Professor Marcus enters the phone booth right as the phone rings. On the other end, Claude is in another phone booth outside the train station, watching Mrs. Wilberforce collect their trunk]

Professor Marcus: Now, Major, before we start, let's press button A, shall we?... That's better... Major. Ma - Major! I want you to keep calm, speak quietly, and concentrate. Have you got that? Splendid. Mrs. W. should be coming into view just about...

[hums]

Professor Marcus: ... now... Now she's driving away.

[She does, but comes back]

Professor Marcus: . Major, Major, Major

[throws phone book]

Professor Marcus: RELAX! Calm down!

Claude: Back to the station! She's come back to the station!

Louis: [Enters phone booth] What's wrong? Major!

Professor Marcus: Louis! Louis!

Louis: Major, tell me what's happening! Major!

Professor Marcus: Louis! Louis, will you mind your own business, please!

Harry: [Now Harry is in the phone booth too, and One-Round tries to squeeze in with them] Louis! Give us a listen, Louis! Come on, let me hear, will you? I want to hear!

[to One-Round]

Harry: Get out! Louis, I want to hear what he says!

Louis: [to One-Round] You get out! Major, tell me what's happening!

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: [Comes out of the train station with her umbrella] I'm always leaving it.

Louis: [Professor Marcus is laughing] What's she doing?

One-Round: What's going on here?

Professor Marcus: It's all right, it's just that she went back to get her umbrella!

[driving past the police station, they see their case of money sitting in the doorway]

Harry: I don't believe it. I don't *believe* it!

Louis: Shut up.

One-Round: It's just... sitting there... look, couldn't we...?

Professor Marcus: No one, I hope, is going to suggest that we steal it.

[Mrs. Wilberforce has just discovered the money. Louis pulls Harry aside]

Louis: We must get her out of here.

Harry: A snatch?

Louis: Get her into the car.

[One of Mrs. Wilberforce's guests arrives]

Louis: We'll have to take them both. We've got to get away!

[Two more guests arrive]

Harry: What do you think we should do? Charter a bus?

Harry: [Harry is being chased by One-Round when One-Round mistakenly thinks that Harry killed Mrs. Wilberforce] Where's your sense of humor, One-Round?

Professor Marcus: [Professor Marcus and his gang are discussing how to do away with Mrs. Wilberforce] It ought to look like an accident.

Harry: How about suicide?

Claude: What do you mean?

Harry: Well, get her to write a note, you know. "I just couldn't stand it no more. Signed, Mrs. Wilberforce." And then somebody goes down and hangs her. Hmm?

Louis: Very funny.

Harry: You got a better idea?

Claude: [the gang is waiting inside the car for One-Round, whose cello case is caught in the crack of the front door of Mrs. Wilberforce's flat] What is that moron playing at?

One-Round: [Yelling] It's stuck in the door. The case is stuck...

Harry: [Interrupts] Well, ring the bell, brains. Don't just stand there.

Harry: [One-Round rings the bell] Thank you.

Professor Marcus: [One-Round keeps tugging at the cello case while Mrs. Wilberforce approaches the door to answer it. All of a sudden, because of One-Round's constant tugging, the cello case rips open, causing all of the banknotes inside of it to flutter out just when Mrs. Wilberforce opens the door and catches him in the act. Seconds later, everyone in the car quickly comes out to help One-Round stuff all of the banknotes back into the case. Professor Marcus tries to put everything at ease] It's all right, Mrs. Wilberforce. Everything's under control. Goodbye.

Professor Marcus: [Professor Marcus closes the door, but Mrs. Wilberforce is still a little skeptical. She cautiously opens the door, after a few seconds of hesitation] Goodbye.

[Professor Marcus closes the door again]

Louis: She had to go. She asked for it. She's probably been asking for it all her life.

Harry: Yeah! Look what she done to that barrow boy and-and the cabbie and the junkman. All of them out of business in ten minutes.

Louis: This is getting us nowhere! We must do something!

Professor Marcus: Quite right, Mr. Harvey. We've got to tell her. Mrs. Wilberforce, I wanted to spare you this, but I'm afraid the police are after you too.

Harry: Hey, that's right! You're as hot as the rest of us, mum.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: As hot?

Claude: If they pick her up, there's no saying what they may do to her.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Pick me up? Would you mind explaining...

Harry: The job was planned in her house. She carried the lolly for us.

Claude: Oh!

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Yes, I-I-I know I carried the-the lolly.

Professor Marcus: But she was ignorant of the plan, of course.

Claude: Ignorance, in the sight of the law, is no excuse. Even if we swear that she didn't know what she was doing.

Harry: They'd never believe us.

One-Round: Yeah!

Harry: Humph! Who'd believe anything we said?

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Oh, but this is ridiculous! Uh? I know the Superintendent! I shall deny any knowledge...

Professor Marcus: She'll... never stand up to it, of course.

Harry: Really? The rubber houses?

Professor Marcus: The rest of her life, sewing mail bags?

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Mail bags?

Harry: And no one to look after the parrots.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Oh!

Professor Marcus: We won't let them get you, Mrs. Wilberforce!

Louis: Why not? What's she ever done for us? If they get her, I'll tell them she planned the job. I'll tell them she planned the big one.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Oh!

Louis: The Eastcastle Street job.

Harry: I'll tell you what. If you can tell me what year it is, I'll let you come with us.

Albert: What year it is?

Harry: Yeah.

Albert: Feels as if I'm fuckin' on Who Wants to be a Millionaire here. Can I phone a friend?

Harry: They're thugs. Do you want to phone the police?

Robbie: No.

Harry: I'll help you out.

Robbie: No way, Harry.

Harry: I'll tell them what happened.

Robbie: Harry, look, we never do that, ever. It's no' happening.

Harry: You don't recognize Edinburgh Castle?

Albert: No. Or I wouldn't have been asking you.

Harry: Have you been living in the cupboard all your life or what?

Albert: And what's the matter with that, Harry?

Harry: Can you help you?

Tommy: Yeah, I was in here last week, I left my number. I was just wondering if you found a mechanic yet.

Harry: No, not yet.

Tommy: Because I'm available, I mean I know you're probably still looking at other possibilities but I can start anytime.

Harry: I remember you. Where's your car?

Tommy: My car?

Harry: Yeah, when you drove away from here last week your car stalled out down the block, it took you 25 minutes to get it started.

Tommy: I know, it's a piece of shit. But I've got it running pretty good now.

Harry: So how come you're on foot?

Tommy: Just felt like walking.

Harry: Eat something, Harry. Everyone says Eat something, Harry. Nobody says Drink something Harry...

Tiffani von der Sloot: He's never volunteered before.

Harry: Oh, a virgin.

Tiffani von der Sloot: Only if you don't count anal.

Harry: I suppose this is the end of a beautiful friendship.

Harry: They'll write us into books. We'll be historical.

Harry: [fed up with Georges] Get out! Go find some other sucker to help you out!