Harper Quotes in Harper (1966)

Bartender: It's two after six. We don't serve domestic after six. Only imported.

Harper: Terrific. Keep the change.

Bartender: There is no change.

Harper: [pause] Keep it anyway.

Harper: Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Sampson, but your husband is dead.

Elaine Sampson: Oh, that's terrible. Terrible! Ralph!

Harper: Yeah, well, listen, you better tell Miranda I'll be there as soon as I can.

Elaine Sampson: But Ralph didn't have any enemy in the world. He was such a good man. Gentle, kind, wouldn't hurt a fly.

Harper: [Leering at Fay through the door] Well...

Lew Harper: [Dismissively] It's nothing like that. She happens to be a hard night's work

Harper: Hey guys, I heard that Survival Quest took old men and girls, but convicts? Shit, what a zoo!

Harper: Children don't drink wine.

Ben: In France and other countries, children drink small amounts of wine all the time. It's a digestive. It's not crack.

Nai: What's crack?

Ben: Crack is a crystallized, highly addictive derivative of the stimulant cocaine. In the mid-1980s, it accelerated the decimation of inner-city neighborhoods. Crackheads, some of them kids just like you guys, were killing each other over nothing, over their Nikes.

Nai: They killed each other for Nike? The Greek winged-goddess of victory?

Harper: I'm sorry it doesn't live up to your high standards!

Ben: I tell the truth to my kids. I don't lie to my kids.

Harper: Protecting children from certain concepts that they are too young to understand is not lying to them!

Harper: Ben, you sound so ridiculous.

Ben: Is knowing how to set a broken bone or how to treat a severe burn ridiculous? Knowing how to navigate by the stars in total darkness, that's ridiculous? How to identify edible plants, how to make clothes from animal skins, how to survive in the forest with nothing but a knife? That's ridiculous to you?

Harper: Sir, you're naked too!

President Harris: I am? I thought this was a wrinkly leather coat!

[points to his nipples]

President Harris: Then these aren't buttons?

Harper: No.

President Harris: And I've been pulling this thing up and down as if it was a zipper!

Harper: Brian McDaniels... I like to ski in Vermont. I like to date chocolate girls.

Jordan: Shut up, Harper.

Michael: What's with the forks?

Harper: Ammunition

Michael: These belong to Gabi

Harper: So get her new ones

Michael: And what she comes back and sees what you did? Then what?

Harper: I mean seriously, do you really think that when she comes home all that she will care about are the lousy forks?

Michael: Yeah I believe it. I have to believe it, man, I mean its all I've got!

Harper: Your breath smells

Michael: I guess I'm hungry

Harper: Strange safety vault, eh, Roth? Both doors wide open to anyone finding that panel in the hall.

Roth: Like a spider's web, sir. Easy to get into; impossible to get out of.

Harper: [Sarcastically] And I'm the spider, huh?

Cherry: Well, I got you all wrong didn't I?

Harper: You got me just right.

Harper: If we had more hangin's, we'd have less hold-ups!