Hank Evans Quotes in Me, Myself & Irene (2000)


Hank Evans Quotes:

  • Hank Evans: You know, I think you're a very special unit.

    Irene P. Waters: That's sweet.

    Hank Evans: I hope we get to know each other better.

    Irene P. Waters: Yeah, me too.

    Hank Evans: Do you swallow?

  • Hank Evans: Hey, ringworm.

    [Softball Player looks around]

    Hank Evans: Yeah, I'm talking to you, you toxic waste of life. You gonna pick up that butt, or do I have to glue it to the end of my shoe and stick it in your big fat pimply a-hole?

    Softball Player: Hey, man, take it easy. It's just a cigarette.

    Hank Evans: Oh yeah? Well, this is just a fist. But when I start throwing it around, it can leave one hell of a mess.

  • [In the roadside eatery, a kid with glasses is slurping his drink annoyingly, and then Charlie transforms into Hank]

    Hank Evans: What are you staring at, fucker? You wanna start me up? Just open the choke and pull the cord, pal. I'm due for a seismic event and you're dancing on the fault line.

    Kid's Father: [the father stands and approaches] Hey, what is your problem, pal?

    Hank Evans: I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid.

  • Jamaal: He may have advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. But he is a very gentle person!

    Hank Evans: [singing to The Dwarves' MotherFucker] I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo...

    [sees Irene with a lawn dart at the ready]

    Hank Evans: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

    [turns off radio]

    Hank Evans: What's the buzz? Tell me what's happenin'.

  • Guy on Street: Hey big guy, you hear the news, my son Billy got the lead in his school musical.

    Hank Evans: Well I guess he likes the cock after all.

  • Irene P. Waters: Stay away from me, Hank! I know what you have planned, OK? I saw your so-called "supplies."

    Hank Evans: Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman.

    Irene P. Waters: I was talking about the shovel and the lime.

  • Hank Evans: Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'!

    Irene P. Waters: Look, I don't know what that means, okay?

    Hank Evans: It means either he's gotta make up a battle plan, or old Hank's gonna have to take over for Charlie for good.

    Irene P. Waters: Did you just refer to yourself in the fourth person?

  • Hank Evans: Vagiclean, huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?

    Mrs. Bittman: Excuse me?

    Hank Evans: No, excuse me. There's no tag on this.

    [grabs microphone]

    Hank Evans: Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.

  • Hank Evans: Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

  • Hank Evans: Charlie's like origami, he folds under pressure.

  • Irene P. Waters: I never wanted to sleep with you, Hank! Okay, you tricked me!

    Hank Evans: Yes, I tricked you. It was deceitful, it was disgusting and despicable. But just for once, see it from my side.


    Hank Evans: I was horny.

  • Hank Evans: So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?

    Irene P. Waters: Oh, all over.

    Hank Evans: Omnipresence. I like that in a woman.

  • [Charlie, under his alter ego Hank, is dunking a rude little girl in a park fountain]

    Hank Evans: You had enough? You've learned your lesson about jumping rope in the street and using dirty language?

    Little Girl: I'm gonna tell my daddy on you, Charlie!

    Hank Evans: Wrong answer! And the name's Hank, fuckface. Learn it!

  • Hank Evans: Holy Jesus in heaven! it's a giant Q-tip.

    Irene P. Waters: Hank!

    Hank Evans: What? I'm jokin' with the guy. Bringin' a little sunshine into his life. Careful, you'll peel.

  • Irene P. Waters: Hank. I really, really appreciate your help. But is there any way that maybe we could get Charlie back out here for a little huddle?

    Hank Evans: No problem. And while you're at it, why don't you go climb that pole over there and take a big steamy piss on the power lines? Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to save your life. But if I'm going to do that, I'll need total uninanonynymity.

  • [When a guy throws a cigarette butt onto the ground]

    Hank Evans: Well fuck my ozone.

  • [after escaping Lieutenant Gerke]

    Irene P. Waters: Calling that cop was unbelievably stupid!

    Hank Evans: Woa, woa, woa, wooa! Tweak the high end on your emotional EQ, sweetpeak. The funky chicken was Charlie's dance. I'm a tango man myself.

  • Hank Evans: Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Would you like to see my weasel?

  • [after Hank crashes the guy's car into his shop]

    Hank Evans: There ya go, buddy. I parked it for ya. And by the way, you got a headlight out.

    [Puts ticket on the windshield]

  • Hank Evans: Ever been bitch slapped?

  • Hank Evans: I noticed you conveniently left out your eating disorder.

    Irene P. Waters: I don't have and eating disorder.

    Hank Evans: Whatever you say, slim.

  • Hank Evans: Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!

  • Hank Evans: Come on, don't be mad, my little pussy-fart.

  • Hank Evans: Well looky here, it's a human Q-tip.

  • Hank Evans: What the hell are you still doing here?

    Charlie Baileygates: You can't just throw me away, Hank, we're in this together.

  • [after Dicky falls on Hank]

    Hank Evans: Warden. I want my own cell.

  • Hank Evans: [after Dickie gets knocked out] Oh, your golf buddy?

    Irene P. Waters: Yeah.

    Hank Evans: Well, I hope he doesn't mind if I play through.

    Irene P. Waters: Knock it off, Hank!

    Hank Evans: Okay, turn around. I'll play the back nine.

    Irene P. Waters: Stop it.

    Hank Evans: C'mon. He couldn't have chewed up the greens that badly.

    Irene P. Waters: Get away from me!

    Hank Evans: Whoa!

    Irene P. Waters: He hasn't played the course in a long time, okay? It was Charlie who was putting.

    Hank Evans: Charlie?

    Irene P. Waters: Yeah, that's right. He may not be long off the tee, but he's got a pretty good up and down game.

    Hank Evans: [Frustrated] What the hell is that suppo- Could we just speak English for a second here?

  • Hank Evans: [to Irene] Name's Hank, Hank Evans - for little girls...

  • [last lines]

    Edith Evans: I'm not leaving you because you're unfaith Hank, I'm leaving because I was.

    Hank Evans: Look, none of that matters any more. It's over. Isn't it? Isn't it, Edith?

    Edith Evans: Yeah. It's over.

    Hank Evans: Well then, why leave now?

    Edith Evans: Because I can.

  • Hank Evans: What is the name of this dance?

    Irish Dance Know-It-All: The Angry Housewife.

    Edith Evans: [laugh]

  • Jack Linden: [stamping on his last pack] They're pissing me off, they're trying to kill me.

    Hank Evans: Cigarettes don't have souls, Jack. They don't mean you any harm.

  • Hank Evans: [to the man who cuckolded him] It's much easier living with a woman who feels loved.

  • Hank Evans: Look, just love everybody you can. Love your kids, love your wife, keep the peace. Then once, just once, try fucking somebody else just 'cos it feels good. Your wife, you know, may be living exactly according to these principles.

  • Hank Evans: Go to school.

    Sharon Evans: It's summer. I don't have to. You go to school.

    Hank Evans: It's Saturday. I don't have to.

  • Jack Linden: Men have left their wives for other women and been happy.

    Hank Evans: Until they start cheating on their new wife.

  • Hank Evans: It's much easier living with a woman who feels loved.

  • Terry Linden: You're being published. It doesn't get any better than that, does it?

    Hank Evans: It's just a poem, Terry, it's really not that important.

    Terry Linden: No, Hank, it isn't. If you want important, go work in a cancer ward with people who are puking from chemo. Or teach math to a kid who's brain damaged from fetal alcohol syndrome.

    Hank Evans: No, those people aren't generally that much fun to be around.

    [both laugh]

Browse more character quotes from Me, Myself & Irene (2000)