Hancock Quotes in Hancock (2008)

Hancock: Gotta wonder, though. What kind of bastard must I have been, that nobody was there to claim me? I mean, I'm... I'm not the most charming guy in the world, so I've been told, but... nobody?

Mary Embrey: [referring to Hancock] We broke up decades ago. Long before you were born. He just can't remember.

Ray Embrey: But you can. Right? You knew? That's something you might want to bring up on the first date, Mary. "I don't like to travel. I'm allergic to cats. I'm immortal." Okay? Those are some of the things you might want to give a little heads-up on.

Mary Embrey: Whatever we are, we were built in twos, okay? We were drawn to each other. No matter how far I run, he's always there. He finds me. It's physics.

Ray Embrey: What are you saying? Are you saying you two are fated to be together?

Mary Embrey: I've lived for a very long time, Ray. And the one thing I've learned: Fate doesn't decide everything. People get to choose.

Hancock: And you chose to let me think I was here alone.

Mary Embrey: I didn't think you'd miss what you didn't remember.

Ray Embrey: What about you, buddy? You're from another planet, aren't you?

Hancock: No man, I'm from Miami.

Ray Embrey: You didn't come on in, like, a meteor or...

Hancock: Nope. Woke up at a hospital, first thing I remember.

Ray Embrey: Government hospital. Yes? Experimenting on you and...

Hancock: No, Ray. Regular old Miami emergency room.

Ray Embrey: Come on.

Hancock: Yeah, uh, my skull was fractured. They told me I tried to, uh, stop a mugging.

Ray Embrey: Somebody knocked you out.

Hancock: Guess I was a regular guy before and when I woke up, I was changed. Uh, and the hospital nurse tried to put a needle in my arm and it just broke against my skin. And then my skull healed, in, like in an hour. The doctors were astounded and, uh, they wanted to know my story. Just like you. But, uh, I couldn't tell 'em. I don't know who I am.

Mary Embrey: Amnesia. You know, the blow to the head.

Hancock: Yeah, well, that's what they figure.

Ray Embrey: You don't remember anything?

Hancock: No. Only thing I had in my pocket was bubble-gum, two movie tickets. Boris Karloff. Uh, Frankenstein. Uh... But no ID, nothing. I went to sign out. The, uh, nurse asked me for my John Hancock. And, uh... I actually thought that's who I was.

Ray Embrey: [shows Hancock a comic book with a picture of a spandex clad superhero on it] What do you think of when you see this?

Hancock: Homo.

Ray Embrey: [shows him another comic with a hero in red spandex] And this?

Hancock: Homo in red.

Ray Embrey: [shows him a third comic with a blonde-haired hero] And this?

Hancock: Norwegian homo.

Hancock: You and I...

Mary Embrey: You and I what?

Hancock: ...we're the same.

Mary Embrey: No. I'm stronger.

Hancock: Really?

Mary Embrey: [smiling] Oh yeah.

Hancock: Who are we?

Mary Embrey: Gods, angels... Different cultures call us by different names. Now all of a sudden it's superhero.

Hancock: Are there more of us?

Mary Embrey: There were. They all died. It's just the two of us.

Hancock: I hate to burst your little crazy-lady bubble, but it most not been all that great, 'cause I don't remember you.

Mary Embrey: Call me crazy one more time.

Hancock: Cuckoo.

Ray Embrey: People should love you. They really should, okay? And I want to deliver that for you. It's the least that I can do. You're a superhero. Kids should be running up to you, asking for your autograph, people should be cheering you on the streets...

Hancock: [yelling to crowd of neighbors watching] What the hell you pricks looking at?

Criminal: [Hancock arrives on the scene] Damn. Handjob. Where you come from?

Hancock: All right, relax. Just - Just tell me what you need.

Criminal: Tell them cops to turn - Tell 'em to take their guns off me. Tell 'em to take the guns off of me.

Hancock: [to the cops] Just take them off, guys. Lower your weapons.

Criminal: You gonna get us out of here. With that tight-ass Wolverine outfit on. Now, let's make it happen, asshole.

[repeated line]

Hancock: Good job!

Hancock: [flying around while carrying SUV full of Asian gangsters] Konnichiwa!

Asian Gang Member: What? I'm not Japanese, man! Put us down!

Hancock: Oh, now you speak "Engly," huh? "Speak Engly," now?

Hancock: [to Asian gangsters] If you don't give yourselves up quietly, I swear to Christ, your head is going up the driver's ass, his head is going up your ass, and you drew the short stick, cause your head is going up my ass!

Ray Embrey: Right now, there's a DA trying to coming up here and put you in jail.

Hancock: [while eating banana] Bitch can try!

Ray Embrey: I say you go.

Hancock: [confused] Hmm?

Ray Embrey: People take you for granted, you know. We gotta make people miss you. People don't like you, Hancock.

Aaron Embrey: [yelling from other room] I do!

Ray Embrey: Did you shove a man's head up another man's ass?

Hancock: [nods]

Ray Embrey: My basic diagnosis of your fundamental problem is... do you want to hear it?

Hancock: No.

Ray Embrey: You're an asshole. I know. I call it like I see it, though. It's not a crime to be an asshole, but it's very counter-productive. Not a crime, but you are an asshole, don't you think?

Hancock: Be careful.

Hancock: [reading prepared text] I apologize to the people of Los Angeles. My behavior has been improper and I accept the consequences. I ask my fellow Angelinos for their patience and understanding. Life here can be difficult for me. After all, I am the only one of my kind. During my incarceration, I will be participating in alcohol and anger management treatment. You deserve better from me. I can be better. I will be better.

Ray Embrey: Why were you flying? You were flying, Mary.

Hancock: Yeah, she was definitely flying.

Mary Embrey: Okay, I was flying. And I'm very strong as well. It's just the way we are.

Ray Embrey: We?

Mary Embrey: Me and him. It's just us now. All the others paired up and died.

Hancock: Oh, you didn't say anything about the others paired up, at the trailer.

Ray Embrey: You were at his trailer.

Mary Embrey: It's very hard for me to explain.

Ray Embrey: Great, I'm all ears, Mary.

Hancock: Me too.

Ray Embrey: Do me a favor. Just give me and my wife one moment.

Hancock: Hey, don't... Don't bring it here, Ray.

Ray Embrey: The adults are talking, for one second.

Hancock: Three guys in the car with no girls. Rave music. Hey, I'm not going to judge.

Ray Embrey: [showing Hancock his uniform] For when they call.

Hancock: I ain't wearing that, Ray.

Ray Embrey: Yes, you are.

Hancock: Oh no, I'm not.

Ray Embrey: No, you are.

Hancock: Actually, I'm not Ray.

Ray Embrey: You think you're not, but you are.

Hancock: I will fight crime butt-ass naked before I fight it in that, Ray.

Ray Embrey: You know, you have fought naked. We got that. That's on Youtube.

Hancock: If you don't move, your head is going up his ass. Y'all fellas sure you wanna ride this train?

Matrix: Choo, choo, asshole...

[Hancock shoves Matrix's head up into Man Mountain's ass]

Ray Embrey: So you've used the door, the building's still intact, people are happy you've arrived, they feel safe now, there's an officer there and he's done a good job, so you might want to tell him he's done a good job.

Hancock: What the hell did I have to come for Ray if he's done a good job?

Hancock: You broke my glasses.

Asian Gang Member: I'm sorry. Take my Ray Bans!

Hancock: [after seeing a video of himself throwing Walter, the beached whale, back into the ocean, knocking over a sailboat] I don't even remember that.

Ray Embrey: Yeah. Greenpeace does.

[pause]

Ray Embrey: Walter does.

Hancock: You're gonna change the world. Good job, Ray.

[an elderly woman in a bar stares at Hancock after seeing a news story featuring him]

Hancock: I'll break my foot off in your ass, woman...

Hancock: [on Aaron's learning to deal with bullies] Ah the whole turn the other cheek thing huh?

[pats Aaron's butt]

Hancock: Just never turn this cheek. Don't let them punk you.

Hancock: [to the kid who called him an asshole] Oh stop crying, punk-ass.

Hancock: The way you deal with bullies - you take your right foot, bring it right up and catch him in his little piss pump.

Mary Embrey: You don't have to do that, honey. Okay? Seriously.

Aaron Embrey: It's a good idea.

Hancock: You aim straight, make sure he can't use that thing for nothin' but a flap to keep the dust out of his butt crack.

Thomson: [calling for a vote] Where's Rhode Island?

McNair: Rhode Island's out visiting the necessary.

Hancock: Well, after what Rhode Island has consumed, I can't say I'm surprised. We'll come back to him, Mr. Thompson.

Thomson: Rhode Island passes.

[Roar of laughter from the Congress]

Hopkins: That's quite a large signature, Johnny.

Hancock: So fat George can read it in London without his reading glasses!

Dr. Josiah Bartlett: Mr. Jefferson, I beg you to remember that we still have friends in England. I see no purpose in antagonizing them with such phrases as "unfeeling brethren" and "enemies at war." Our quarrel is with the British king, not the British people.

John Adams: Oh, be sensible Bartlett, remove those phrases and the entire paragraph becomes meaningless! And it so happens that it's one of the most stirring and poetic of any passage in the entire document.

Dr. Josiah Bartlett: We're a congress, Mr. Adams, not a literary society. I ask that the entire paragraph be stricken.

Hancock: Mr. Jefferson?

[Jefferson nods]

John Adams: Good God, Jefferson when are you going to speak up for your own work?

Thomas Jefferson: I had hoped that the work would speak for itself.

John Dickinson: Mr. Hancock, you're a man of property, one of us. Why don't you join us in our minuet? Why do you persist on dancing with John Adams? Good Lord, sir, you don't even like him!

Hancock: That is true, he annoys me quite a lot, but still I'd rather trot to Mr. Adams' new gavotte.

John Dickinson: But why? For personal glory? For a place in history? Be careful, sir. History will brand him and his followers as traitors.

Hancock: Traitors, Mr. Dickinson? To what? The British crown, or the British half-crown? Fortunately there are not enough men of property in America to dictate policy.

John Dickinson: Perhaps not. But don't forget that most men without property would rather protect the possibility of becoming rich than face the reality of being poor.

Hancock: Gentlemen, forgive me if I don't join in the merriment, but if we are arrested now, my name is STILL THE ONLY ONE ON THE DAMN THING!

Thomas Jefferson: Tonight, I'm leaving for home.

Hancock: On business?

Thomas Jefferson: Family business.

Hopkins: Give her a flourish for me, young feller!

[congress laughs]

Thomson: [reading Washington's letter] The situation is most desperate at the New Jersey training ground in New Brunswick, where every able bodied whore in the co... "WHORE?"... in the colonies has assembled. There are constant reports of drunkenness, desertion, foul language, naked bathing in the Raritan river, and an epidemic of the "French disease." I have placed this town off limits to all military personnel with the exception of officers. I beseech the congress to dispatch the War Committee to this place, in the hope of restoring some of the order and discipline we need to survive. Your obedient...

[drumroll]

Thomson: G. Washington.

Col. Thomas McKean: That man would depress a hyena.

Hancock: Well, Mr. Adams, you're chairman of the war committee. Do you feel up to whoring, drinking, deserting, and New Brunswick?

Rev. John Witherspoon: There must be some mistake, I have an aunt who lives in New Brunswick.

John Dickinson: You must tell her to keep up the good work.

Col. Thomas McKean: [to Read] Sit down ya scurvy dog or I'll knock ya down!

Hancock: [to the Delaware delagates] Sit down all three of you!

[dog starts barking]

Hancock: McNair! Do something about that damn dog!

Hopkins: McNair, fetch me a rum!

Hancock: Get the dog first!

Hopkins: No! A rum!

[both start shouting at once]

McNair: I only got two hands!

Hancock: [screaming] Christ, it's hot!

[pause]

Hancock: Do go on, gentlemen, you're making the only breeze in Philadelphia.

John Adams: Mr. Jefferson? It so happens that the word is UN-alienable, not IN-alienable.

Thomas Jefferson: I'm sorry, Mr. Adams, but "Inalienable" is correct.

John Adams: I happen to be a Harvard graduate, Mr. Jefferson.

Thomas Jefferson: Well, I attended William & Mary.

Hancock: Mr. Jefferson, will you concede to Mr. Adams' request?

Thomas Jefferson: No, sir, I will not.

[grins]

John Adams: Oh, very well, I withdraw it!

Dr. Benjamin Franklin: Oh, good for you, John!

John Adams: I'll speak to the printer about it later.

Col. Thomas McKean: Mr. President!

Hancock: Colonel McKean.

Col. Thomas McKean: Surely, we have managed to promote the gloomiest man on this continent to the head of our troops! Those dispatches are the most deprrrr-essing accumulation of disaster, doom and despair in the entire annals of military history! And furthermore...

Hancock: Colonel McKean, *please!*

Col. Thomas McKean: What?

Hancock: It's too hot.

[Congress is suggesting alterations to the Declaration]

Hancock: Mr. Hopkins?

Hopkins: I've no objections, Johnny. I'm just trying to get a drink.

Hancock: [throwing his gavel onto the table] I should have known. McNair, get him a rum.

Hancock: Mr. Thomson, is the Declaration ready to be signed?

Charles Thomson: It is.

Hancock: Then I suggest we do so. And the chair further proposes, for our mutual security and protection, that no man be allowed to sit in this Congress without attaching his name to it.

John Dickinson: I'm sorry, Mr. President. I cannot, in good conscience, sign such a document. I will never stop hoping for our eventual reconciliation with England, but... because, in my own way, I regard America no less than does Mr. Adams, I will join the army and fight in her defense, even though I believe that fight to be hopeless.

Hancock: Very well, gentlemen. We are about to brave the storm in a skiff made of paper.