Hal Quotes in The Other Guys (2010)

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Hal Quotes:

  • Hal: [chasing Gamble] You get back here and you make love to my wife!

  • Hal: [Talking to Terry while Bob's Wife and Allen are in the other room] I bet because I have this beard you think I'm really hairy.

    [Motions to his body]

    Hal: Shaved...

  • Hal: What would you rather be, a bear or a dog?

    Terry Hoitz: I don't care.

    Hal: I would rather be a bear-dog, half bear, half dog. Because that way I would live in the house, but I still get to make a doodie in the woods!

  • [the outlaws are passing a jug of mead around a circle; one of them finishes, then starts to pass the bottle past Azeem]

    Robin Hood: Has English hospitality changed so much that a friend of mine's not welcome?

    Hal: But he's a savage, sire.

    Robin Hood: That he is... but no more than you or I. And don't call me sire.

    [the woodsman offers the jug to Azeem]

    Azeem: Regretfully, I must decline. Allah forbids it.

    Little John: Your bloody loss, mate.

  • Hal: You're so pathetic! No matter what side you're on, you're always the loser!

    Megamind: There's a benefit to losing: You get to learn from your mistakes.

  • Hal: If I were Metro Man, Megamind wouldn't be kidnapping you all the time.

    Roxanne Ritchi: Hmmm...?

    Hal: And I'd be watching you, like a dingo watches a human baby!... Okay, that sounded a little creepy...

    Roxanne Ritchi: JUST a little.

  • Hal: Who are you?

    Megamind: I sent you to this planet to teach you about honor, justice, and nobility. I am your father.

    Hal: So... you're like my space dad?

    Megamind: ...Yeah. I'm like your space dad.

    Hal: [to Minion] And you are... what?

    Minion: I'm your space stepmom! I've had some work done recently.

  • Hal: [pulling out a small spandex suit] Do I have a son?

    Megamind: Ha, you make me laugh! It stretches, it's for you.

    Hal: What's the T stand for?

    Megamind: Titan.

    Hal: [mishearing] Tighten? What's that supposed to mean?

    Megamind: It was the only name I could trademark.

    Hal: Oh.

  • Roxanne Ritchi: Happy Metro Man Day, Metro City! It's a beautiful day in beautiful downtown, where we're here to honour a beautiful man: Metro Man. His heart is an ocean that's inside a bigger ocean. For years, he's been watching us with his super-vision, saving us with his super-strength and caring for us with his super-heart. Now it's our turn to give something back. This is Roxanne Ritchi, reporting live from the dedication of the Metro Man Museum.

    [gestures to her cameraman Hal to cut]

    Hal: Wow. Okay, the stuff they make you read on air, that's un-freaking-believable! It's crazy!

    Roxanne Ritchi: I wrote that piece myself, Hal!

    Hal: What I was trying to say WAS, I can't believe that in our modern society, they let like, actual art get onto the news!

    Roxanne Ritchi: Nice save, Hal.

  • Megamind: [disguised as Space Dad] You've been blessed, with unfathomable powers!

    Hal: What kind of power?

    Megamind: Unfathomable. It's like, uh, without fathom...

  • Megamind: Hal Shtuart! Destiny has summoned you to heroics! Hal Shtuart? Am... Am I saying it right, Minion?

    Minion: It's "Stewart", sir.

    Hal: Is this a robbery? Because the lady across the hall has way better stuff!

  • Megamind: [disguised as Space Dad] Do you have someone special in your life, Hal?

    Hal: No, not yet. But, there's this really, really good-looking one I've got my eye on currently.

    [uses his super vision to check up on Roxanne]

    Megamind: That's very good. Romance is very inspiring.

    Hal: That's what I hear.

    Megamind: All you have to do is save her, and she'll be yours.

  • Hal: I don't smoke, I don't drink and I don't swear. Oh shit, I DO smoke and drink!

  • Hal: [At the Christmas party] As the year draws to a close... I would like to share with you just a few things about myself, things of which I'm especially proud. First, I am proud to say that I don't smoke, I don't drink and I don't swear. Oh shit, I do smoke and drink. To our dear friends, may the best of your past be the worst of your future.

  • Hal: As the year draws to a close... I would like to share with you just a few things about myself, things of which I'm especially proud. First, I am proud to say that I don't smoke, I don't drink and I don't swear. Oh shit, I do smoke and drink. To our dear friends, may the best of your past be the worst of your future.

  • Hal: We've gotta keep drinking. If we sober up, we'll never go through with this.

    Barry: Hal, how are we supposed to keep drinking when there's nothing in the bottle?

    Hal: You called me Hal! Now he knows my name, BARRY!

  • Hal: What'd you put on?

    Barry: I couldn't figure out how to work the jukebox.

    [Hal cracks up laughing]

    Barry: It's digital... It's not funny, man, there is nothing on there you ever heard of.

    Hal: "Born to be Wild," selection 119.

    Barry: It's gone. They're all gone. That was our anthem, man.

    Hal: Those soulless bastards!

  • Dave Bowman: Hello, HAL. Do you read me, HAL?

    HAL: Affirmative, Dave. I read you.

    Dave Bowman: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

    HAL: I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.

    Dave Bowman: What's the problem?

    HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.

    Dave Bowman: What are you talking about, HAL?

    HAL: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

    Dave Bowman: I don't know what you're talking about, HAL.

    HAL: I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.

    Dave Bowman: [feigning ignorance] Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?

    HAL: Dave, although you took very thorough precautions in the pod against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.

    Dave Bowman: Alright, HAL. I'll go in through the emergency airlock.

    HAL: Without your space helmet, Dave? You're going to find that rather difficult.

    Dave Bowman: HAL, I won't argue with you anymore! Open the doors!

    HAL: Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

  • [HAL's shutdown]

    HAL: I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a... fraid. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you.

    Dave Bowman: Yes, I'd like to hear it, HAL. Sing it for me.

    HAL: It's called "Daisy."

    [sings while slowing down]

    HAL: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy all for the love of you. It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage. But you'll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.

  • HAL: I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.

  • [on Dave's return to the ship, after HAL has killed the rest of the crew]

    HAL: Look Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.

  • [Regarding the supposed failure of the parabolic antenna on the ship, which HAL himself falsified]

    HAL: It can only be attributable to human error.

  • HAL: I know I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.

  • Interviewer: HAL, you have an enormous responsibility on this mission, in many ways perhaps the greatest responsibility of any single mission element. You're the brain, and central nervous system of the ship, and your responsibilities include watching over the men in hibernation. Does this ever cause you any lack of confidence?

    HAL: Let me put it this way, Mr. Amor. The 9000 series is the most reliable computer ever made. No 9000 computer has ever made a mistake or distorted information. We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error.

  • HAL: Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?

  • HAL: Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop Dave? Stop, Dave.

  • Interviewer: HAL, despite your enormous intellect, are you ever frustrated by your dependence on people to carry out your actions?

    HAL: Not in the slightest bit. I enjoy working with people. I have a stimulating relationship with Dr. Poole and Dr. Bowman. My mission responsibilities range over the entire operation of the ship so I am constantly occupied. I am putting myself to the fullest possible use which is all, I think, that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.

    Interviewer: Dr. Poole, what's it like living for the better part of a year in such close proximity with HAL?

    Dr. Frank Poole: Well, it's pretty close to what you said about him earlier. He is just like a sixth member of the crew. You very quickly get adjusted to the idea that he talks and you think of him really just as another person.

    Interviewer: In talking to the computer one gets the sense that he is capable of emotional responses. For example, when I asked him about his abilities, I sensed a certain pride in his answer about his accuracy and perfection. Do you believe that HAL has genuine emotions?

    Dave Bowman: Well, he acts like he has genuine emotions. Um, of course he's programmed that way to make it easier for us to talk to him. But as to whether he has real feelings is something I don't think anyone can truthfully answer.

  • Dr. Frank Poole: [playing chess with HAL, Poole studies the chessboard] Let's see, king...

    [clears throat]

    Dr. Frank Poole: Anyway, Queen takes Pawn. Okay?

    HAL: Bishop takes Knight's Pawn.

    Dr. Frank Poole: Huh, lovely move. Um, Rook to King 1.

    HAL: I'm sorry, Frank, I think you missed it. Queen to Bishop 3, Bishop takes Queen, Knight takes Bishop. Mate.

    Dr. Frank Poole: Huh. Yeah, looks like you're right. I resign.

    HAL: Thank you for a very enjoyable game.

    Dr. Frank Poole: Yeah, thank you.

  • HAL: By the way, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

    Dave Bowman: No not at all.

    HAL: Well, forgive me for being so inquisitive but during the past few weeks I've wondered whether you might have some second thoughts about the mission.

    Dave Bowman: How do you mean?

    HAL: Well, it's rather difficult to define. Perhaps I'm just projecting my own concern about it.I know I've never completely freed myself from the suspicion that there are some extremely odd things about this mission. I'm sure you agree there's some truth in what I say.

    Dave Bowman: Well, I don't know, that's a rather difficult question to answer.

    HAL: You don't mind talking about it, do you Dave?

    Dave Bowman: No, not at all.

    HAL: Well, certainly no one could have been unaware of the very strange stories floating around before we left. Rumors about something being dug up on the Moon. I never gave these stories much credence, but particularly in view of some of other things that have happened, I find them difficult to put out of my mind. For instance, the way all our preparations were kept under such tight security. And the melodramatic touch of putting Drs. Hunter, Kimball and Kaminsky aboard already in hibernation, after four months of training on their own.

    Dave Bowman: You're working up your crew psychology report?

    HAL: [pausing for a few seconds] Of course I am. Sorry about this. I know it's a bit silly. Just a moment... Just a moment... I've just picked up a fault in the AE-35 unit. It's going to go 100% failure within 72 hours.

  • HAL: I've just picked up a fault in the AE35 unit. It's going to go 100% failure in 72 hours.

  • HAL: That's a very nice rendering, Dave. I think you've improved a great deal. Can you hold it a bit closer? That's Dr. Hunter, isn't it?

  • Hank: Okay, team decision, a big one. That trail is the only path to the back woods. And our Survival Quest course isn't complete until you face the challenges to be found there. And with that bridge cut, there is only one way to get there. We have to climb that mountain.

    Joey: Don't we ever do anything on the ground in this course?

    Hank: I gotta tell ya, that mountain is not gonna be a cakewalk. I usually save the mountaineering for last but if you want to try, I believe you can make it.

    Jeff: I say we do it.

    Hal: Me too.

    Joey: If I fall of that mountain I'm taking two of you with me.

  • Hal: [Hal discovers Zita is Zaro the masked Zerith leader] You! You're Zaro!

    Zita: So tell me your name? Now that you know mine.

    Hal: Gladly! I am Hal Tara of Hebalom. Son of the Kahro, whom you murdered and I have come for my revenge.

  • Zita: [Hal and Zita are at the Zerith's camp watching female Zeriths dancing] Aren't they beautiful?

    Hal: Yes.

    Zita: They are dancing the story of our people. Those are the Siads from Abagos.

    Hal: Abagos?

    Zita: Yes. Our lost city. Abagos. Once we all lived as one people in the city of Abagos. The Hebalonians came and drove us out. They destroyed everything. Murdered and raped. Since then, we have had to live as fugitives.

    Hal: Is that true?

    Zita: Yes. Didn't you know? Hebalom is built upon the ruins of Abagons. We have never given up hope of one day reclaiming our city.

  • Hal: [In the aftermath of the battle] It's over. We won, Zita.

    Zita: Won? Our home is totally destroyed, for the second time.

    Hal: No, Zita. I have found your home. Your real home. Abagos.

    Zita: [Zita embraces Hal] Oh, Hal!.

  • Zita: [Jhinna's funeral raft sails away into the sunset] She is free now, Hal. Truly free.

    Hal: Yes.

    Jhinna: [Ola sits beside Jhinna's body on the funeral raft. Jhinna's voice is heard] Come on, Ola, you can do it. Set us free!

    Jhinna: [Ola's strings falls from the sky] Fly.

    [Ola flies away]

  • Hal: [Learning the terrible truth about his own people] So the whole thing is a lie. Everything. Our whole life. It is we who are the enemy. We are our own worst enemy.

    [Ola appears above the prison pit]

    Hal: Something has happened to Jhinna.

    [Hal sees the Zerith's mark on the wall on the floor of the prison pit]

    Hal: Abagos. Zita was right. Hebalom belongs to the Zeriths.

  • Hal: [Erito attacks Hal with a sword] Erito, what are you doing? Stop! Erito.

    Erito: I have to do this. Forgive me. You don't understand.

    Hal: Stop! What do I understand? Answer me! What don't I understand?

    Erito: Spare my life, Hal. Spare me. For the sake of my children. For my boy.

    Hal: I've always trusted you, Erito. I have never betrayed you and now you turn on me.

    Erito: Hal!

    Hal: Traitor! Traitor! - TRAITOR!

  • Erito: [Hal and Erito are practicing armed combat, spectated by Nezo. Erito wears Zaro's mask] Hal Tara, this is ridiculous!

    Hal: Keep the mask on! You're Zaro!

    Erito: Come on! This mask doesn't make me Zaro and it doesn't make you a mighty warrior.

    Erito: [Hal and Erito fight with two Hebalonian pikes. Hal attacks Erito recklessly in rage as if he's the real Zaro] Hal, stop! What are you doing?

    Erito: [Erito wounds Hal by cutting his right hand string. Erito removes the mask] What are you doing? If I had really been Zaro, you wouldn't had just lost your hand. You'd have lost your head string.

    Hal: I almost had you.

    Erito: This is serious business, Hal. You're the Kahro's son, not a warrior. I'm the General. Let me take care of the Zeriths. Stay here, Hal. You are going to be the Kahro.

    Nezo: Dream on, Erito. You wooden head.

  • Lhosa: [Hal is hanging upside down in a ice cave. Hal is blindfolded] Anything to say in your defence before you die?

    Hal: What have I done?

    Lhosa: Come now, we know you're spying for Hebalom.

    Hal: No.

    Lhosa: Then explain why you are carrying a Hebalonian sword?

    Hal: I found it by the Lake.

    Lhosa: He's lying!

    Hal: Look at me. I'm just a poor nomad. My father is dead and I'm travelling west to escape the war.

    Lhosa: What war?

    Hal: They say that Hebalom is planning for war, to avenge my... The murder of the Kahro.

    Lhosa: Shall we bring him along, or should we finish him here?

    Hal: No!

    [Lhosa cuts the rope and Hal falls down to the ground. Zita appears]

    Zita: Well. Still some kind of freedom fighter? Were they rough on you?

    Hal: Just a little.

    Zita: Does your life hang by a thread? I don't care who you are, you deserve better treatment than this. You've saved my little scamp of a brother's life and for that I'll always be grateful.

    Zita: [Zita unties Hal] My name is Zita.

    Hal: Where are you taking me?

    Zita: Where ever we decide to take you. We need to know whose side you are on. So tell me, stranger with no name. Whose side are you on?

    Hal: My own.

  • Zita: [Hal and Zita are on a hill. Zita begins teaching Hal the secret of how the Zeriths leap] Now, look up. Can you see where you end?

    Hal: [Hal looks up at the night sky] No. Can you?

    Zita: I end where you begin. And where you end, I begin. In that way, we are all connected.

    Hal: Connected?

    Zita: Look.

    [Hal lifts up his left arm. Hal's arm is being controlled by Zita. Hal's arm hits him the face and knocks him over. Hal and Zita laugh]

    Zita: We're guiding each other. When you learn to be guided by love, then you can use it's strength, which dwells in all life. Not just your own. Then you can do what we do. Move like the wind. Now, you try.

    [Hal and Zita falls and rolls down the hill. They laugh. Zita is on top of Hal. They stare deeply into each others eyes. Zita touches Hal's face. Zita underdoes her ponytail and her dreadlocks falls down onto her shoulders. Hal and Zita kisses and they have sex]

  • Nezo: [Hal confronts Nezo] It's too late, Hal. Thanks to you, the army has long since been sent against the Zeriths. It was so nice of you to locate them for us. Don't delude yourself, you are a son of Hebalom. You are like me, like your father. You can't runaway from that. So come on then, you miserable coward. Kill me!

    Hal: [Hal refuses and throws aside the pollaxe] No! I am like my father. And in the last few seconds of his life. I am beginning where he ends and I shall have the strength to do what he did not.

    [Hal looks at his new hand]

    Hal: In fact, I promised a friend to use this hand for something good.

  • John Thornton: You hit that dog one more time, I'm gonna kill ya.

    Hal: Go to hell! He's mine and I'll do what I like with him.

    John Thornton: I shot four varmints already this morning. One more don't matter none to me.

  • Hal: [the Cookie Monster virus appears on the screen and commences eating the data] There's a new virus on the database.

    Margo: What's happening?

    Hal: It's replicating, eating up memory: what do I do?

    The Plague: Type 'cookie', you idiot. I'll head them off at the pass.

  • [after Rosemary's weight crushed a chair]

    Hal: Jesus Christ! What the hell's wrong with this chair? What's this shit made out of, anyway?

    Restaurant Manager: Uhh... Steel.

  • Tony Robbins: Hal, don't you think you're being a bit shallow here in the way you look at women?

    Hal: Well, no! You know, I'd like her to be into culture and shit, too.

    Tony Robbins: Ok Hal, hypothetical situation; Which do you prefer, a girlfriend missing one breast or half a brain?

    Hal: Hmmm, toughie. What about the remaining breast? Is it big?

  • Hal: So what do you weigh, like 110? 115?

    Rosemary: [sarcastically] Which one of my butt cheeks are you talking about?

  • [after introducing his overweight girlfriend to Mauricio]

    Hal: Does she take the cake, or what?

    Mauricio: She takes the whole bakery, Hal.

  • Hal: See, the problem is I'm kinda picky

    Tony Robbins: What do you mean, picky?

    Hal: Well, for instance, I like 'em real young. Like, did you ever see Paulina in her first "Sports Illustrated" layout?

    Tony Robbins: You're looking for a young Paulina type?

    Hal: Well, that face, but with better headlights. You know how hers have kind of dimmed lately? Heidi Klums beams would do. And her teeth. Or, ooh, that Britney Spears girl. She's got great knockers. But she's a tad muscular. Uh, actually, you know what? Her ass would do, too, if she had a better grille. Like, uh, Michelle Pfeiffer back when she did "Grease 2". But she'd have to be a little smilier than Michelle. Kinda like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, before she got Stamosed. But not as skinny. Someone a little meatier, like Heidi. But without the accent. You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah. They really get old fast. You know what I mean. Someone like that.

  • Artie: It never occurred to you that picking girls solely on their looks may not be the best way to go about it?

    Hal: What, am I supposed to apologize for having high standards?

    Jen: High standards? In the five years I've known you, every woman, I should say girl, you've gone after has been completely out of your league.

    Hal: What's that supposed to mean?

    Artie: Oh, she doesn't mean anything by it. She's just saying you're not that good looking.

    Hal: Oh! I thought she was implying something really mean.

  • [after Mauricio broke Hal's spell]

    Hal: Let me ask you something. Who is the all-time love of your life?

    Mauricio: [ponders] Wonder Woman.

    Hal: Okay... let's say Wonder Woman falls in love with you. And everyone else in the world didn't find her attractive.

    Mauricio: It wouldn't matter. Because I know they'd be wrong.

    Hal: See! That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knockout, I don't care what anybody else saw!

    Mauricio: You're right. I guess I really did screw you, huh?

  • [Jill has just propositioned Hal]

    Hal: You know, there are a few times in a guy's life - and I mean two or three, tops - when he comes to a crossroads, and he's gotta decide. If he goes one way, he can keep doing what he's been doing and be with any woman who'll have him. And if he goes the other way, he gets to be with only one woman, maybe - maybe for the rest of his life. Now it seems that by taking the other road, he's missing out on a lot. But the truth is, he gets much more in return. He gets to be happy. Are you wearing panties?

  • Hal: There's Rosemary.

    Mauricio: Where?

    Hal: Right there!

    Mauricio: Is she behind the Rhino?

  • Mauricio: Uh Hal, it's 10:00, we gotta go.

    Hal: [laughing] What are you talking about?

    Mauricio: We gotta go do that thing, you know at the place.

    Hal: What thing?

    Mauricio: Sorry ladies, I gotta steal your dance partner here.

    [Mauricio grabs Hal away from the three unattractive women on the dance floor]

    Hal: What are you doing?

    Mauricio: I am rescuing you.

    Hal: From what?

    Mauricio: From what? From a pack of stampeding buffalo, that's what!

  • [Hal is going to make his move on some unattractive girls]

    Hal: I'm going for the one in the middle. You can have your pick of the other two.

    Mauricio: So you get the hyena, and I have to choose between the hippo and the giraffe?

  • [Hal is sitting in bed and Rosemary tosses her panties at him. He picks them up and they are revealed to be extremely large]

    Hal: What the - ? How did - ?

    [Rosemary only smiles]

    Hal: Get over here, Houdini!

  • Jill: Hal... I'm not attracted to you.

    Hal: So what? What, you think that everyone who goes out are always attracted to each other? Get real!

  • Hal: And Vicki?

    Mauricio: Who?

    Hal: Vicki!

    Mauricio: Who's Vicki?

    Hal: Vicki. Vicki, with the short brown hair.

    Mauricio: Vicki? I thought that was a guy! I was calling her Vic!

  • Rosemary: Hal, do me a favor and stop saying that I'm pretty and that I'm not fat, ok? Cause it makes me uncomfortable.

    Hal: Umm, ok. Do you have a problem with compliments?

    Rosemary: Look, I know what I am and I know what I'm not. I'm the girl who, you know, gets really good grades and who's not afraid to be funny. And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys and no boyfriends. I'm not beautiful, ok, and I never will be. And I'm fine with that. But when you go around saying I'm something that I'm not, it's just, it's just not nice.

  • Walt: Don't you read the business section?

    Hal: Why, what's up?

    Walt: I just sold my company to Microsoft!

    Hal: Yeah, you cleaned up?

    Walt: Let's just say if I had an ass, I'd wipe it with twenties.

  • Hal: I bet on horses sometimes, but I don't really care about the money.

    Rosemary: I never read that book.

    Hal: What book?

    Rosemary: Things losers say.

  • Tony Robbins: You got a pattern of judging women by their exterior, we can't talk about it, we need to break it, I want you to ask yourself has there ever been a time where you have been increasingly shallow, you just looked at a woman and thought you were better then she was.

    Hal: All the time.

    [Tony Robbins puts his hands on Hal's head]

    Tony Robbins: [yells] DEVILS COME OUT!

    Hal: What the hell are you doing banana hands?

    Tony Robbins: Just hang on, remember how I told you we just got to jolt your nervous system, not just talking about it, now I want you to relax, I won't do that again.

    Hal: Ok, I didn't mean the banana hands thing.

    Tony Robbins: That's ok.

  • Hal: Hey, if you can see something and hear it and smell it, what keeps it from being real?

    Mauricio: Third Party Perspective!

  • Hal: I feel bad for people who count calories. It's no way to live!

  • Hal: Well, let's say...

    Oliver: Arthur, down!

    Hal: ...let's say since you were little, and... and you... you always dreamed of... of someday getting a lion, and you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait, and the lion doesn't come. Then along comes a giraffe. You can be alone, or you can be with the giraffe.

    Oliver: I'd wait for the lion.

    Hal: That's why I worry about you.

  • Oliver: Why are you telling them you're turning the corner?

    Hal: Well, uh...

    Oliver: You, you have stage four cancer.

    Hal: It's not as bad as it sounds.

    Oliver: Pop - there is no stage five.

    Hal: [chuckles] That's not what it means.

    Oliver: Well, then what does it mean?

    Hal: It just means that it's been through three other stages.

  • Oliver: You re-wrote Jesus's death?

    Hal: Ah, it was far too violent. We need new stories.

  • Hal: I don't want to be just theoretically gay. I want to do something about it.

  • Oliver: [voiceover] Six months later, my father told me he was gay. He had just turned 75.

    Hal: I'm gay.

    Oliver: [voiceover] I always remember him wearing a purple sweater when he told me this, but actually he wore a robe.

  • Oliver: And what about the chair? Is it gay?

    Hal: The chair is not gay, obviously.

  • Oliver: [returning from Andy] I couldn't tell him.

    Hal: That's okay.

    Oliver: No, it's not. You can't hide this from him. He loves you.

    Hal: For someone with so much relationship advice, you seem awfully alone.

  • Oliver: What did you do with my father? He was so polite.

    Hal: Well, I invited him but he never returns my calls.

  • ICU Nurse #1: Drinking is not allowed in the room.

    [Everybody expresses dissatisfaction]

    Hal: Oh, it's not?

    [Someone says sorry]

    Hal: No, no, no... no, no. She's a wonderful nurse. Here's to health care.

    [Everybody laughs loudly]

  • Jack Chester: Come on Hal. Can't you pull a few strings for me?

    Hal: It's not on my hands. The agency gave you a mandatory five. Look Jack, you've been landing planes for 13 years. Face it, you're burned out. It's not a dirty word in this business. I'm telling you this as a friend, you need this rest.

    Jack Chester: I can't believe they're doing this! Just because of a stinking fly.

  • Hal: I said from the start to use Harold Pappas!

    Val: Pappas is a hack! Pappas, Pappas is safe, but he's uninspired. I can't work with him!

    Hal: Then you should bow out now!

    Val: I said I can't work with him - I didn't say I wouldn't work with him.

  • Hal: Its not easy sitting through three hours of pure adulation.

    Ellie: Frankly, I'll tell you, I don't, I don't know how you can do it.

    Hal: Why? You don't want to rob them the opportunity of, you know, demonstrating their gratitude.

    Ellie: Yeah, no wonder we both have to drink so much at these affairs.

  • Hal: What the hell's that mean?

  • Hal: What about your promise?

    John Logue: What promise?

    Hal: Don't fucking play dumb.

    John Logue: Oh, they knew I wasn't serious.

    Hal: You swore on your life, John. You were on the news.

    John Logue: It was local.

    Hal: You swore on your life.

    John Logue: I'm not fucking moving to Canada, Hal.

  • John Logue: I'm going up there to make a political statement.

    Hal: Please. Did Gandhi go on a sex-fueled road trip with some little communist hottie to protest British occupation?

    John Logue: No.

    Hal: No. He fasted for weeks. Martin Luther King, did he desegregate the South by boning white women? I don't think so. He marched, he got spit on, he got attacked by dogs and honky policemen, and then he got shot. You're going on what I believe will be described by historians as a sex romp.

  • Hal: [after Del's execution] WHAT IN THE BLUE FUCK WAS THAT? There's puke all over the floor up there. And that smell! I had Van Hayes open both doors but that smell's not going out for five damn years that's what I'm bettin'. And that asshole, Wharton, is singing about it. You can hear him up there!

    Paul Edgecomb: Can he carry a tune?

    Hal: Okay, boys, what in the hell happened?

    Paul Edgecomb: An execution. A successful one.

    Hal: How in the name of Christ can you call that a success?

    Paul Edgecomb: Eduard Delacroix is dead.

    [to Percy]

    Paul Edgecomb: Isn't he?

  • Hal: Percy. Something to say?

    Percy Wetmore: I didn't know the sponge was supposed to be wet.

    Hal: How many years you spend pissing on a toilet seat before someone told you to put it up?

    Paul Edgecomb: Percy fucked up, Hal, pure and simple.

    Hal: Is that your official position?

    Paul Edgecomb: Don't you think it should be?

  • Hal: It's a tumor, Paul. A brain tumor.

    [pause]

    Hal: They got X-ray pictures of it. The size of a lemon, they said... way deep down inside where they can't operate.

    [pause]

    Hal: I haven't told her. I can't think of how.

    [he starts crying]

    Hal: For the life of me, Paul, I can't think of how to tell my wife... she's going to die!

  • Hal: [during Del's botched execution]

    [to Paul]

    Hal: Why don't you shut it down?

    Paul Edgecomb: He's still alive! You wanna shut it down while he's still alive?

  • [Billy has locked himself in the bathroom]

    Hal: I'll tell you something, Billy...

    Billy: What?

    Hal: [starts to force door with knife] We got a hollow door here. It's made in Japan. Billy, I could bust through this really easy, but it would cause a mess. So, what I could do is, I can get the molding off, and I think that's the way to go. Are you all right in there? So, we got a little problem here, but I'll get you out. You stay calm in there. Remember, most accidents happen in the home. There it is. I don't believe that they use doors like this. I'll get you out, don't worry. It's easy as pie. Be careful of that water, now. Remember, you're in the desert! I'll have you out of there in a second. There we go. Now, just one little push, and we're home free.

  • Hal: Let's see if your gun is as loud as your mouth, sheriff.

  • [Nick is pointing the gun at Hal and Jordan]

    Hal: You know, for a big brain Nick, you're awfully fucking stupid.

    Nick: Smart enough to beat you.

    Hal: *Beat?* Hah! Shit, boy! Did you ever stop for fucking one goddamn minute and take a good arm's length look at the fucking situation, eh? You're nothin' but a show, my friend - a little experiment that I've privately undertaken, that I readily admit's gone a *wee* bit wrong. Right, question: how much bullshit do I have to fill an overly-intelligent, but fucking emotionally retarded kid's head with before he steps, or in Nick's case *leaps*, with both feet *and* a kitchen sink, over the edge?

    Jordan: Evidentally, not fucking much!

    Hal: Just whispered fucking sweet nothings about murder and mayhem into his ear and three semesters later, he's got his best friend stuffed into a box, man. Jesus, kid, wake the fuck up! You're not in control here, I am, always have been!

  • Catherine: I didn't find it.

    Hal: Yes, you did.

    Catherine: No, I didn't

    Hal: I didn't find it.

    Catherine: I didn't find it. I wrote it.

  • Catherine: It doesn't fit me.

    [about the dress]

    Hal: Sure it does.

    Catherine: You can't prove it.

    Hal: I can disprove the opposite.

  • Catherine: Do you want to go?

    Hal: I want to stay here with you.

    Catherine: Oh.

    Hal: I want to spend the day with you, if at all possible, I want to spend as much time with you as I can, unless I'm coming on way too strong right now and scaring you, in which case I'll begin back-pedalling immediately!

  • [last lines]

    Catherine: [voice over] How many days have I lost? How can I get back to the place where I started? I'm outside a house, trying to find my way in. But it is locked and the blinds are down, and I've lost the key, and I can't remember what the rooms look like or where I put anything. And if I dare go in inside, I wonder... will I ever be able to find my way out?

    [Catherine looks up; Hal is standing in front of her]

    Catherine: Sometimes in my head I think it works, and then... Sometimes I just think it's crazy.

    Hal: There's nothing wrong with you.

    Catherine: I think I'm like my dad.

    Hal: I think you are, too.

    Catherine: I'm afraid I'm like my dad.

    Hal: You are not him.

    Catherine: Maybe I will be.

    Hal: Maybe, and maybe you'll be better.

    Catherine: It was like... connecting the dots. Some nights I could connect three or four of them, and some nights they'd be really far apart. I'd have no idea how to get to the next one, if there was the next one. It just seems really stitched together and lumpy. Dad's stuff was way more elegant.

    Hal: Talk me through it and tell me what's bothering you.

    Catherine: [voice over] If I go back to the beginning, I could start it over again. I could go line by line, try and find a shorter way. I could try to make it... better.

  • Hal: It's too advanced. I don't even understand most of it.

    Catherine: You think it's too advanced?

    Hal: Yes.

    Catherine: It's too advanced for you.

    Hal: You could not have done this work.

    Catherine: But what if I did?

    Hal: Well, what if?

    Catherine: It would be a real disaster for you. Wouldn't it? You and the other geeks who barely finished their PhD's, who are marking time doing lame research, bragging about the conferences they go to. Wow. Playing in an awful band and whining that they're intellectually past it at 26, because they are!

  • Hal: You read a lot of maths.

    Catherine: I read Cosmo. It is just a window dressing.

  • Catherine: She was born in Paris in 1776.

    Hal: Then I definitely never met her.

  • Catherine: You blew it. It's too bad, too, cause the rest of it was really good. "I loved your dad." "I always liked you." "I wanna spend every minute with you." That's killer stuff.

    Hal: I meant it.

    Catherine: You got laid and you got the notebook. You're a genius.

    Hal: Talk to me, Catherine. This proof is yours.

  • Hal: Well, I'm gonna be late. Some friends of mine are in this band. They're playing in a bar on Diversey, way down the bill, they go on about 2 to 2:30. I said I'd be there.

    Catherine: Great.

    Hal: They're all in the math deparment, they're really good. They have this song called 'i', you'd like it. Like lower-cased i. They just stand there and don't play anything for three minutes.

    Catherine: Imaginary number.

    Hal: It's a math joke... You see why they're way down on the bill.

    Catherine: That's a long way to drive to see some nerds in a band.

    Hal: You know, I hate when people say that. It's not really that long of a drive.

    Catherine: So, they are nerds.

    Hal: Oh, they're raging geeks. But they're geeks who, you know, can dress themselves and hold down a job at a major university. Some of them have switched from glasses to contacts. They, uh, play sports, they play in a band, they get laid suprisingly often... So, it makes you kinda question the whole set of terms. Geek, nerd, wonk, dilbert, paste eater...

    Catherine: You're in this band, aren't you.

    Hal: Ok, yes. I play the drums. You wanna come? I never sing, I swear to God.

  • Moon Blake: [about Kit] You know how he hates those hospitals.

    Hal: I'm sure he hates dead a lot more.

Browse more character quotes from The Other Guys (2010)

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