Gus Quotes in Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

Gus: I won't leave you, miss.

Snow White: Where are we?

Gus: They call it sanctuary, my lady. It's the home of the fairies.

Gus: [discussing his wife's disapproval of the soft drink Dr. Pepper] You know the deal, Jim. When we got married, I converted to Mormonism. We can't consume anything that alters our state of mind. We treat out bodies with respect.

Street: And I treat mine like an amusement park. That's the differences that make this country great!

Gus: [looking at baseball cards] We've got statistics! I got 30 homeruns!

Richie: I got 11 foul ticks!

Clark: I got 20 eyes-closed strike outs, 5 broken windshields, and 6 dead birds! I'm freakin' awesome!

Gus: Man! I haven't even been on a baseball field in over 10 years.

Clark: I've never been on a baseball field, if I did, the kids in my neighborhood would spit loogies on my forehead.

Gus: Thats horrible, baseball's America's past time... thats like saying you've never had apple pie.

Gus: You've never had apple pie?

Clark: My mom said it would give me diarrhea.

Gus: That's ridiculous, Clark! You have to try it at least once!

Clark: Diarrhea?

Gus: No! Baseball!

Gus: Clark, could you not pick your nose in front of me?

Clark: I'm not picking, I'm scratching.

Gus: Scratching what? Your brain?

Clark: Yeah, 'cause it's huge.

Gus: Nice meeting you, Fairy Jerry.

Jerry: What was that?

Gus: Well, you gave Clark and Richie nicknames. I thought I'd give you one: Fairy Jerry.

Jerry: Oh, really?

Gus: [stands up from chair] Really.

Jerry: Okay, Gus- Gus... Gus Bus! That's you, Gus Bus!

Gus: Oh, that was a brutal comeback. Come on guys, let's go. I don't think I can ever get over that one. Whew!

Gus: [upon seeing Carlos enter] Hey, what's going on here? How come he's playing?

Wayne: Oh, ah, I couldn't play him before because he was feeling ill.

Carlos: Me tummy, es sicko.

Umpire: Well you got proof he's a kid?

Gus: Come on! Look at his beard. He's 50.

Wayne: Not according to birth certifico.

[hands umpire the crumpled up paper he saw earlier]

Umpire: [looks inside and sees 'I am 12' written in green crayon, with a picture of Carlos and $10. He carefully pockets the $10 and folds the paper back up] He's got documentation. Play ball!

Gus: I think this is a sign that you should get a car.

Clark: My mom said I should hold off on getting my license for another year.

[extends arms forward and then retracts]

Clark: She wants to make sure my reflexes are fully developed.

Mel: Reggie and I met at Tuba Camp when we were kids

[shows picture of Reggie and Himself playing their tubas when they were younger]

Gus: HAHA,Reggie that was you?

Reggie Jackson: [angrily] What are you laughing about?I was a cute kid.

Gus: [frightened] Oh,uh,Yes.Like a young Denzel.

Richie: [whispered to Clark] I didn't know Denzel played Erkel.

Gus: My wife is the only one who gets to twist these man titties.

Marcus Ellwood: Do you still think I look like Yoda?

Gus: No.

Marcus Ellwood: But Yoda's my favorite! You're a bad, bad man!

Gus: [to Nelson] Hey. Are you the kid who got farted on earlier?

Mel: Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.

Nelson: I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.

Clark: When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.

Nelson: His son just did that to me last week.

[last lines]

Mel: This was a total waste of time, wasn't it?

Gus: Yeah.

Mel: Richie, do you have any kids?

Richie: Never had a date.

Mel: Clark?

Clark: Never spoke to a girl.

Mel: Gu-Gus?

Gus: Ugh, My wife and I are kinda working on it.

Gus: [shouts] Clark! Try to hit the ball in the strike zone.

Clark: Well where's the strike zone?

[he gets a bit distracted during the pitch]

Umpire: Strike two!

Gus: Right there.

Gus: Move over honey, I gotta take a leak.

Liz: Oh my God! You're not kidding!

Gus: Let's go kick some hairless ass!

Mel: I had hair in my ass before i could *walk*.

Gus: What's great about dating homeless girls?

Murphy: What?

Gus: You can drop them off anywhere.

Gus: [holding a baseball bat] I'll swing on you!

Marie: [smiles] I'm a girl.

[Gus swings the bat at Marie, who catches it and knocks Gus out with the handle]

Joe: Some girl.

Gus: [chuckles] They got you a girlfriend!

Félix: Don't be stupid. How's she gonna be my girlfriend if i don't even know her?

Bart: I don't think he's got the stomach for what's comin'

Gus: If he doesn't, I do.

Bart: Oh I know. You're the first one I'm gonna kill when I get the chance.

Gus: That's fare. You're the first one I'm gonna kill since I get an excuse.

Gus: He looks like a weirdy!

Gus: Instructions; you start with 1... 2... 3...

Larry: 4?

Gus: Are you crackin' wise? I oughta punch you in the nose, Hopscotch.

Gus: Listen up, Lunch Box!

Gus: Sweet dreams, cupcake.

Gus: Do you want to dance, hot dog?

Gus: Do you want the job or not, snack shack?

Gus: Keep a lid on it, butterscotch.

Gus: Sleep tight, hotshot.

Gus: You know what happens if we get caught, right? We go to jail forever. Like, until we're 21.

Gus: [Getting bank floor plans] It's just that, last time, I got a 'c' on my essay cuz I didn't have any visual aids, and my stepdad, well, well he, he gets a little...

[Shows her the scar on his arm from the burn. The secretary starts to walk away, he smiles to himself, the secretary looks back, and he frowns again]

Gus: Wait a minute. If we're in prison, then our parents can't ground us, right?

Gus: [Maddy is risking her life free-climbing] Maddy, we never even got to kiss!

Maddy: [In safe] Hey, Gus! 250 grand, comin' at ya!

[Throws down bags]

Gus: [Steps out of the way] Nope. It's down here.

Gus: Don't worry. They won't let "Bad Chad" carry a weapon. He's an intern!

Brad: Trainee, butt-munch!

[hits him]

Gus: Oh, I'm sorry! He's training to be a butt-munch!

Maddy: Do you really think we could get the money?

Austin: Of course. I mean, Maddy's like, the best climber in the whole state.

Gus: And Austin's like some freak-of-nature computer genius.

Maddy: And Gus is...

[Gus sticks a light in his mouth and burps. They all laugh]

Maddy: Gus is disgusting!

Gus: [He has rigged his go-kart with NOS] It works! I'm a genius! But now how am I gonna stop? Maybe I'm not a genius! AAAHHH!

Gus: [He and Austin are mad at Maddy, and have refused to help her] This whole bank idea sucks!

Gus: Another door? How do you open this one? Open sesame!

Maddy: [They are on a walkway suspended high off the ground] Whoa.

Gus: Maddy, we are so grounded!

Gus: Maddy, my parents grounded me for a week when I left my bike outside. Imagine what they'll do now!

Gus: [Maddy is doing something dangerous] Austin, maybe she'd listen to you.

Austin: That would be a first.

Gus: [the rottweilers have cornered them] You got this, Austin?

Austin: [a beat] RUN!

[They all take off]

Gus: 'Run'? That's all you had for us is 'run'?

Austin: [about to jump on Austin's cart] On three! One... two...

[Jumps]

Gus: What happened to 'three'?

Gus: [a helicopter appears, shining a spotlight on them] Oh, great! Now we have a spotlight!

Gus: Here it goes! Operation 'Jacks'!

[Presses a button, jacks fly out of his cart, popping the tires on the cop cars]

Rob McLaughlin: How bad is the horse? Go back and put her down.

Jack: She'll hear the shot.

Rob McLaughlin: She'll think its thunder.

Jack: No she won't. Look, Katie's smart. She sees things. Little details most people ignore. The ones that make a difference.

Gus: She'll know it's Flicka.

Rob McLaughlin: I can't let that animal suffer. I'll do it myself.

Katherine "Katie" McLoughlin: Calm down, Flicka.

Nell McLaughlin: You named her?

Katherine "Katie" McLoughlin: Flicka. That is the word, isn't it?

Gus: Oh, yeah. Beautiful um... young girl.

Jack: Well, you got the girl part right.

Jack: Speaking of which, you gonna put your brand on that little schoolgirl this summer?

Nell McLaughlin: You know Jack, we stopped branding our females a few years back. Isn't that right, Rob?

Rob McLaughlin: Kinda miss it, though.

Jack: Well, take it from an expert. Don't let that little Flicka get away.

Nell McLaughlin: The what?

Jack: It means uh... pretty girl or somethin'? It's what Gus calls Katie.

Nell McLaughlin: Oh he does, does he?

Gus: Uh, Flicka is just young girl, innocent. You can see in her face the beauty she will become. I uh-I think its Swedish. My momma use to call my little sister Flicka.

Rob McLaughlin: [to Nell] I didn't see the vet bill.

Nell McLaughlin: [trying to change the subject at dinner] Does someone wanna grab this last burger?

Rob McLaughlin: How much?

Nell McLaughlin: [still trying to change the subject] You know what I've been thinking about lately? If quitters never win, why are you supposed to quit while you're ahead?

Howard McLaughlin: [playing along] Or, how good can a bedtime story be if it's supposed to put you to sleep?

Nell McLaughlin: Right.

Rob McLaughlin: How much?

Nell McLaughlin: $1,648.32.

Rob McLaughlin: $1,600? That's just unacceptable.

Nell McLaughlin: Well, I'll speak to the horses.

Rob McLaughlin: I don't remember my daddy ever giving horses shots. They were healthy, they took care of themselves. Ain't that right, Gus?

Gus: Oh, sure. Back then, horses mucked their own stalls, nailed on their own shoes, even chipped in with the rent money.

[after everyone has left for the rodeo, Gus stays behind with the dogs]

Gus: Gus: Well, what'll it be tonight, boys? Crazy Eights or Canasta?

[dog barks twice]

Gus: Canasta it is.

[Stanley is too scared to go confront Gnorga]

Stanley: Yeah but what can I do?

Gus: [while grabbing his boat from Stanley] What about all of your powers, "Mr. Yougottabelievegreenthumb?"

Stanley: Oh, no, no, my presidentigiation, is no match for Gnorga's mag...

Gus: [interrupting] Oh sure! You're just saying that, because your scared to fight her!

[All of the flowers gasp in shock]

Stanley: I can't, oh Gnorga, you know Gnorga, she'll destroy me, she'll marbleize me!

Gus: Well I'm not scared!

[the flowers abandon Stanley to go with Gus]

Stanley: [sheepishly] I'd help you if I could but I can't, she'll turn me to stone, and I don't want to be "rockinized."

[Stanley pauses for a few seconds before lunging forward]

Stanley: Gus! Don't you understand? In the troll world, darkness always triumphs over light?

Gus: Know what Stanley? You'll never have a dream come true, and you know why? Because your too scared to fight for what you believe in.

[Gus pauses for a second, then throws his boat down at Stanley]

Gus: You're a COWARD!

[Gus and the flowers leave while Stanley looks at the boat as it falls in the water]

Gus: Stop saying that! He can't be a troll because there's no such thing as... trolls. Uh-oh, talking flowers. This is weird. Come on Rosie we'd better go home now.

Stanley: Go - you mean leave? You're going to take Rosie away from me?

Gus: You got it space man!

Darrell, Kidnapping Husband: You stole our gasoline, fella.

Gus: I know, I'm sorry...

Darrell, Kidnapping Husband: Bwa, bwa! He's sorry. Ha-ha! He's sorry! Let's teach this little puke a lesson.

Gus: Look, man, I don't know what the hell you're talking about. But whatever you want, you got it. Okay? Just, please, my eye...

Kidnapping Wife: Oh, my god! Darrel, look at him!

Darrell, Kidnapping Husband: Yeah. I must have hit him with my ring.

Gus: Please, get a doctor!...

Boy at Picnic: Hey! That man only has one eye!

Gus: Oh, that's allright. I'm used to be the same way.

Boys Mother at Picnic: It's okay, Tommy, he doesn't mind. Go on. What's funny about the man?

Boy at Picnic: He only has one eye...

Horseshoe Player: Come on!

Boy at Picnic: He only has one eye.

Boys Mother at Picnic: Louder!

Boy at Picnic: He only has one eye!

Vern: Hey, old pirate.

Gus: Old pirate?

Vern: How about it, friend? $10 a go!

Gus: A-a... No, thanks, really.

Vern: Come on! It could be your lucky day.

Billy: New contest, over here!

Gus: Look, I really do not want to do this.

Vern: Come here. I'll tell you what. I'll let you win a couple of times if you start losing too much, okay?

Gus: Look, I said, "No". N-O, no, all right?

Vern: You sure now?

Gus: [views that Jerry comes into bar] Wait, wait a minute. did you say $10 a shot?

Vern: That's right.

Gus: Okay, let's do it!

Vern: You're on. Billy, you say, "when".

Billy: When.

Vern: [wins Gus and laughs]

Gus: Again.

Vern: Again. Again... Again.

[laughs]

Billy: Down $20. Way to go, Vern.

Vern: Again!

Gus: I thought you said you were going to let me win a little.

Vern: I lied.

[wins Gus]

Vern: Thirty!

[wins Gus twice]

Vern: Fifty!

Gus: $50, hold on!

Vern: Okay!

Gus: No, no! I mean, stop, no more game, forget it!

Gus: I'd like this changed into bills, please.

Bank Teller: I have to count them. Just because you went and put them in rolls doesn't mean that I don't have to recount them.

Gus: All right, then, recount them.

Bank Teller: That could take hours.

Gus: Then it'll take hours.

Gus: Damn! Damn! Damn! $10, $20 stinky bucks left!

[views a police car]

Gus: Hustle-hustle-hustle.

Jerry the Policeman: Hello, again!

Gus: Hey!

Jerry the Policeman: Where is your dad?

Gus: A-a... In the woods there, you know, a little rest stop. He couldn't hold it until the next gas station.

Jerry the Policeman: Your father sure has to go to the bathroom a lot.

Gus: A-a, yeah, diabetes, you know?

Jerry the Policeman: I hear you. Well, take care.

Gus: Take it easy!

Gus: Look at yourself. You're acting like a little kid. What, did you think it would be easy or something?

[smokes and swings his head]

Cinderella: Why, it's my...

Mice and Birds: Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

Gus: Duh, duh, duh... Happy Birthday!

Jaq: No, no, no, no!

[after the coach, the horses, etc. change back]

Cinderella: I'm sorry. I-I guess I forgot about everything, even the time, but... but it was so wonderful. And he was so handsome, and when we danced... oh, I'm sure that even the Prince himself couldn't have been more... more... Oh, well, it-it's over, and...

Jaq: Cinderelly. Look! Look! Your slipper. Your slipper.

Gus: Yeah. A slipper.

[the mice go on about the glass slipper still on her foot]

Cinderella: Oh!

[to the sky]

Cinderella: Thank you. Thank you so much for everything.

[while making Cinderella's dress]

Gus: I'll cut it with the scissors!

Jaq: And I can do the sewing.

Perla: Leave the sewing to the women. You go get some trimmin'.

Gus: Ninjas! Why did it have to be ninjas?

Ashley: Hey, remember that summer after the second grade when we went down to the pond every day to catch minnows?

Gretchen: Or how about that summer we all carved our initials in that big tree in the Wilson's backyard?

Vince: And Spinelli spelled her's wrong.

Ashley: Hey, I was seven. And "S's" are tricky.

[Gus begins sobbing]

Ashley: What's your problem? This is the first summer you've lived here.

Gus: I know, and I'll never have any of those memories.

[after Vince, Ashley, Gretchen, Mikey and the gang are about to leave for the school bus]

Gus: Well, Teej? There's my transport.

[to TJ]

Gus: Hey, why don't you come with? Military camp's gonna be a blast!

Captain Brad: Griswald, you maggot! Get your fanny over here, NOW!

TJ: Eh. Thanks, Gus. But, I think I'll stick it out at home this summer.

Gus: Okay. But, you don't know what you're missing.

[He runs to him]

Gus: Hi, Captain Brad.

Captain Brad: I don't like you, Griswald! I am not your friend! Do I make myself clear?

Gus: Yes, sir! Not looking for friendship, sir!

TJ: Good luck, Gus. You're gonna need it.

[Gus gets on the bus, waving goodbye to him and Captain Brad nabs him]

TJ: Man, this summer's gonna whomp.

Gus: So, uh... Stu, you're Max's son?

Stu 'Stuey' Ungar: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yes, sir.

Gus: He ran a very nice club. My - my condolences.

Stu 'Stuey' Ungar: Thank you.

Gus: But it, uh... It seems he liked the horses. Do you... like horses , too?

Stu 'Stuey' Ungar: No sir.

Gus: Good. Because they spread disease. I won't have that.

Phil: It's the same thing your whole life: "Clean up your room. Stand up straight. Pick up your feet. Take it like a man. Be nice to your sister. Don't mix beer and wine, ever." Oh yeah: "Don't drive on the railroad track."

Gus: Well, Phil, that's one I happen to agree with.

[Phil Connors drives (because Ralph and Gus are drunk) right through a mailbox]

Gus: Hey Phil, if we wanted to hit mailboxes we could let Ralph drive.

Gus: Phil? Like the groundhog Phil?

Phil: Yeah, like the groundhog Phil.

Gus: Look out for your shadow there, buddy.

Phil: Morons, your bus is leaving.

Gus: [waiter drops a tray of dishes] Real nice. Just put that anywhere, pal. Yeah.

[laughs]

Ralph: Good save!

Toula: [to Paris] Why do you want to leave me?

Gus: [coughs] Payback.

Gus: She's only coming there if you teach greek history.

Northwestern Rep: Ofcourse, we have an outstanding classics program. Greek. Italian.

Gus: The greeks invented italian.

[Northwestern rep laughs and then realises that Gus is being serious]

Gus: The greeks invented hockey.

Costa: Yes. Because what do you play hockey on? Ice.

Aristotle: What is the greek word for ice? Pago.

Costa: Pago, puck. There you go.

Aristotle: There you go.

Gus: There you go.

Gus: We need to find a boyfriend for Paris.

Panos: How about Ariana Skoufis's boy, huh?

Gus: Everybody on that island has six toes.

Panos: Let's wait until summer. We check his feet.

Nick: Oh, no, no, don't click on that dad, that's porn.

Gus: It's porn?

Nick, Gus: Oooooo, ho... ho... ho... ho.

Gus: What's that thing called where they search for the uh... uh... DNA.

Toula: A crime scene.

Gus: No, no, where their families come from.

Toula: Oh... the... find your ancestry site.

Gus: Now, give me a word, any word; and I will show you how the root of that word is greek.

Costa: Uuuuh, facebook.

Gus: Huh, the greeks invented facebook. We called it the telephone.

Toula: Your hip is better. The physicotherapy is working.

Gus: It's not that therapy. I can fix it myself.

[puts some Windex in his pants]

Toula: Ofcourse.

Gus: Ooh... ooh!

Captain Lippencott: I thought those Canadian accents were a little shakey.

Gus: Yeah? YOU try it.

Carolyn: River Ridge Hospital is on line for you, it seems there's been an emergency with your son.

Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Oh!... My son!

Rose Lindsey: Your son?

Gus: Your son?

Lars Lindstrom: I was talking to Bianca, and she was saying that in her culture they have these rites of passages and rituals and cermonies, and, just all kinds of things that, when you do them, go through them, let you know that you're an adult? Doesn't that sound great?

Gus: It does.

Lars Lindstrom: How'd you know?

Gus: How'd I know what?

Lars Lindstrom: That you were a man

Gus: Ahhh. I couldn't tell ya.

Lars Lindstrom: Was it... okay, was it sex?

Gus: Um. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's uh, yeah, yeah it's kind of - it's uh - no. Well, it's kind of sex but it's not uh, you know? I don't know. I don't know. It's - uh - good question, good question.

Lars Lindstrom: Yeah, but I have to know

Gus: [dryer buzzes] Hold that thought.

Gus: [in basement] You know, you should ask Dagmar

Lars Lindstrom: I did ask Dagmar. And she said that I should ask you.

Gus: Okay, you know I can only give you my opinion.

Lars Lindstrom: That's what we want

Gus: Well, it's not like you're one thing or the other, okay? There's still a kid inside but you grow up when you decide to do right, okay, and not what's right for you, what's right for everybody, even when it hurts.

Lars Lindstrom: Okay, like what?

Gus: Like, you know, like, you don't jerk people around, you know, and you don't cheat on your woman, and you take care of your family, you know, and you admit when you're wrong, or you try to, anyways. That's all I can think of, you know - it sound like it's easy and for some reason it's not.

Gus: Pretend that she's real? I'm just not gonna do it.

Dagmar: She is real.

Gus: Well...

Dagmar: She's right out there.

Gus: Right, right, I get that, but I'm just not gonna, you know...

Dagmar: You won't be able to change his mind, anyway. Bianca's in town for a reason.

Gus: But - but...

Dagmar: It's not really a choice.

Karin: Okay. Okay, all right, we'll do it, whatever it takes.

Gus: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone's gonna laugh at him.

Dagmar: And you.

Dagmar: Have there been any changes in the family in the last year or so?

Gus: [while Karin simultaneously nods "Yes"] No, everything is pretty much exactly the same except Karin is pregnant and Lars is nuts.

Dagmar: You know, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. What we call mental illness isn't always just an illness. It can be a communication; it can be a way to work something out.

Gus: Fantastic. When will it be over?

Dagmar: When he doesn't need it anymore.

Karin: How can we help?

Dagmar: Go along with it.

Karin: Oh, no. No, that's... No.

Gus: Oh, my. No, no, no. No. No, I mean, pretend that she's real? I'm not gonna do that. I mean, I can't. I'm just not gonna do it.

Dagmar: She is real.

Gus: Well...

Dagmar: I mean, she's right out there.

Gus: Right, right. I get that. But I'm just not gonna... You know, I'm just not gonna... I'm not gonna do it, so...

Dagmar: You won't be able to change his mind, anyway. Bianca's in town for a reason.

Gus: Right, but, but...

Dagmar: It's not really a choice.

Karin: Okay. Okay. All right, then, we'll do it. Whatever it takes.

Gus: Oh, yeah, yeah, yep. And everyone's gonna laugh at him.

Dagmar: And you...

Gus: What are we doing? Why are we doing this for him?

Karin: Oh, come on. It's funny!

Gus: Is it?

Karin: I don't know. I don't know, maybe not.

[gets up, leaves]

Lars Lindstrom: How was the game?

Gus: The cheese inspectors beat the crap out of us.

Gus: Del Griffith! How the hell are ya?

Del: Well, I'm still a million bucks shy of bein' a millionaire.

[Both laugh]

Del: Gus, I'd like you to meet an old friend of mine. This is Neal Page from Chicago. Neal, this is Gus Mooney.

Neal: Hi.

Gus: Glad to meet you, Nick.

Frank Riley: [a construction worker is driving a demolition machine towards the cafe] Hey! You ever hear of private property?

Gus: Just coming for a hamburger, Pop.

Frank Riley: Hah! You got alotta nerve. Get your food somewheres else.

Faye Riley: [to Construction Worker] You wanna sleep over? Why don't you call your mommy and tell her where you'll be.

Gus: Um, no thanks, Mrs. Riley, I can't tonight.

Gus: [to Carlos] Hey Bobby, wanna go out and play?

Gus: Got the place back in Business, Pops?

Frank Riley: What's it look like?

Danny: Yo, Gus. How about a refill?

Gus: Yo, Dan. You know where the coffee is.

Danny: I'm trying to impress my date.

Gus: Then you shouldn't have brought her here.

Gus: These Canadians suffer from a serious inferiority complex. That's why they built this: The Canadian National Tower! World's largest free-standing structure!

Gus: Canadians are always dreaming up a lotta ways to ruin our lives. The metric system, for the love of God! Celsius! Neil Young!

[while in a tank, driving through a "Welcome to Mexico" sign]

Gus: Ha ha ha, there it is! Like I care!

Sloppy: Will you believe that god damn litter bugger?

Beverly: I have told her and told her. It takes ninety to a hundred years for a tin can to decompose, and she still won't recycle.

Gus: Cost the tax payers millions of dollars last year. But she don't care nothing about the national budget!

Beverly: I hate Mrs. Ackerman.

Gus: I hate her too.

Sloppy: I hate her guts. You know, somebody ought to kill her.

Gus: Yeah, give her a happy face, and then recycle her.

Beverly: For the sake of this planet, someone just might.

Gus: You know what, lady? I'd like to tie you to the back of a fucking truck.

Rose: You don't have the balls.

[Gus leaps up from his chair toward Rose and is intercepted by Lloyd]

Lloyd: Don't do it! It's not worth it.

Gus: I fucking hate her, Lloyd!

Lloyd: I know, I know.

Gus: What is the matter with you? I thought mothers were sweet and nice a-a-and Patient. I know loan sharks who are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain't dead, lady. He's hiding.

Rose: You're a "Wong"?

Gus: Well, my mother was Irish.

Rose: And your father?

Gus: Wasn't.

Lloyd: She's my mother.

Gus: She's a fucking Bitch, Lloyd.

Lloyd: You're not supposed to take sides.

Caroline: No, no, no, thank you so much Gus. Finally somebody else sees.

Gus: You'd have to be blind not to see.

Caroline: Did you know you're bleeding?

Gus: Oh, yeah.

Lloyd: Were you shot?

Gus: Dog bit me

Caroline: What dog?

Gus: Willard's dog.

Caroline: Cannibal bit you?

Gus: His name is Cannibal?

Gus: Great, I hijacked my fucking parents.

Gus: [with a gun to Rose's head] All right. Everybody into the den, or I'll shoot her.

Connie Chasseur: Go ahead. Shoot her.

Gus: Shut up! Get in the den!

Murray: Gus?

Gus: What?

Murray: When are we gonna open presents?

Gus: Presents? Is that what you said? Presents? We'll open them when we get there. No, in fact, I'll save you the trouble. Your present is a giant fucking cannon. And you're gonna crawl in it. Then I'm gonna get 2 pounds of gunpowder and I'm gonna shoot you right out of Jersey! And then I'm gonna drive to Jersey, and pick up all the parts of your body and put them in a plastic bag. Then I'm gonna drive to my house with you in the bag and toss you into the fireplace. I'm gonna get my glass of whiskey and watch the Charlie Brown Special with your ashes burning IN MY FUCKING HOUSE! AGH!

Murray: Gus?

Gus: What?

Murray: What's that smell?

Gus: Shut up.

Gus: Soooo... got any cigarettes?

Lloyd: I don't smoke and Caroline just quit.

Gus: Really? Just quit, huh?

Caroline: [she nods her head yes]

Gus: So... where are they?

Caroline: What do you mean?

Gus: Where aaare they, Caroliiiiine?

Caroline: [sighs] They're behind the chessboard.

Lloyd: What? You lied to me! You said you were finished!

Caroline: I said I hadn't finished a cigarette. I take a couple drags, I don't inhale.

Lloyd: Oh you are such a liar!

Caroline: I am not, I said...

Gus: [Gus is sick of the argument and pushes both of them over in thier chairs] Did you say that you would quit, Caroline? DID YOU SAY... that you would quit?

Caroline: [shaking her head yes]

Gus: YES! So that means that YOU are a liar, end of story.

Lloyd: [chuckles thinking he's won, but Gus looks over and comes towards him]

Gus: [putting the gun to his head] You saw the stop sign didn't you, Lloyd?

[waving the gun back and forth]

Gus: You... saw the... stop sign... DIDN'T YOU?

Lloyd: Y-yes, I did.

Gus: YES! So that means that you, too, are a liar! Capital "L", small "i", small "a", small "r", period. Now shut... the fuck... up!

Gus: [noticing John has wrapped half a roll of tape around Connie's mouth] Hey kid, that's enough.

John Chasseur: Are you sure this will hold?

[Gus on the phone with a bartender]

Gus: Is there a Murray there?

Bartender: [to the patrons] Is there a Murray here?

[Into the phone]

Bartender: I don't think he's here, pal.

Gus: See if there's a waste of fucking life named Murray, try that.

Bartender: [to the patrons] Is there a fucking waste of life named Murray here?

Murray: Gussy? Yeah that's me.

Gus: Do you know what this family needs? A mute.

Gus: Look kid... what I do, running around, stealing stuff, may sound great when you're 14 years old, but it sucks just a little bit when you're 35. No house, no family. I got a partner who's 56, alcoholic... he still can't understand why they took "Happy Days" off the air. And then I got to turn on the TV every day and see kids like you, one after another on these talk shows. You got everything, opportunities up the ass, you got a family to come home to, and what do you do? You sit around, and you bitch and you moan, because things don't go your way. Well, you know what, kid? Welcome to the real world, where most times things don't go your fucking way.

Gus: I swear to God, you hit that kid one more time and I will stick that pig's head right up your ass!

Connie Chasseur: Gary, are you gonna let him talk to me like that?

Gary Chasseur: Well, he is a doctor.

Caroline: We had our own restaurant once. An Italian restaurant. Of course, I would have preferred French, but...

Gus: What are we, girlfriends? Do I give a shit about this? No.

Gus: From now on, the only person who gets to yell is me. Why? Because I have a gun. People with guns get to do whatever they want. Married people without guns - for instance - you - DO NOT get to yell. Why? NO GUNS! No guns, no yelling. See? Simple little equation.

Gus: Connecticut is the fifth ring of hell.

Caroline: He sounded upset.

Gus: He should be. He's going to die a horrible fucking death.

Lloyd: What's your name?

Gus: Fuck you, that's my name.

Gus: Great. I just beat up Santa Claus.

Gus: [Murray hangs the phone up just as Gus answers] He hung up.

Caroline: Well, he sounded upset.

Gus: He should be. He's going to die a horrible fucking death.

Connie Chasseur: [from downstairs, in a whiny tone] Caroline...

Caroline: Speaking of which.

Gus: I have a gun, it's loaded, shut up.

Lloyd: Caroline? Why don't you eat something?

Caroline: [Drunk] Loyd? Why don't you eat me?

Connie Chasseur: Kids, go to into the den. This not a conversation for children.

Rose Chasseur: It is not an apprioprate conversation for adults either.

Gus: Where are you going?

Rose Chasseur: To the living room. To leave you to your quilting. I be there to open presents. If my plans change I will contact you.

Lloyd: Why don't we all go into the living room, we'll have our drink and deserts in there.

Caroline: [to Loyd] Phoney Bastard!

Gus: Caroline, shut up.

Connie Chasseur: Let's all go to the den...

Gus: Sit down Connie sit.

Connie Chasseur: Excuse me, I am not one of you patients.

Gus: You're going to be somebody's patient if you don't get your ass back down in that chair.

Murray: [On the phone] How do I know this is Gussy?

Gus: Because the next time I see you I'm gonna tear all the hair outta your balls ONE BY ONE, you fuckin' mule! How about that?

Gus: [into phone] Murray! How are ya, pal?

Murray: I'm fine Gussie. How are you?

Gus: Oh, just a little tired after running for ten hundred

[yells]

Gus: fuckin' miles because there was no fuckin' car waiting for me!

[beats the phone against the counter numerous times, then back into phone]

Gus: What did I tell you? I told you to act like a drunk vagrant imbecile! Is that too much of a *fuckin'* stretch?

Gus: [Trying unsuccessfully to get the family to be quiet] Should I just shoot one of you in the foot, would that get the point across?

Gus: The Army? What the fuck? What am I, Oswald, here?

Gus: Caroline and Loyd, will get the coffee and deserts then we'll be opening presents.

Connie Chasseur: We can't open presents til midnight.

Gus: Why not?

Connie Chasseur: Because it's not Christmas until midnight!

Gus: We'll be changing the rules, a little bit. We are opening the presents now. Not later, now. Why? We're adults, and we can open our presents, WHENEVER WE WANT!

Gus: Jesus! Cat piss!

Gus: [Lloyd and Carol are arguing in the front seat] SHUT UP! Jesus fucking Christ!

Lloyd: Why don't you just give yourself up?

Gus: What'd you say?

Lloyd: Well, you're not going to kill an entire family. It's over. I mean, you're not the type. You're a thief, not a killer. That's obvious.

Gus: I hate guys like you, you know, with your Jeep Grand Cherokee's and your Nicaraguan maids and your ping-zing golf clubs. Every goddamn thing in the world handed to you. I mean, what fuckin' purpose do you people serve?

Lloyd: You're a criminal. What possible purpose could you serve?

Gus: Fuck you, Lloyd! I work for a living, okay? I have a skill. I'm in the game pal. What do you do except take up fuckin' space?

Lloyd: If you're so skilled, what are you doing stuck here?

Gus: Let me tell you something. I could break into any house, anywhere, anytime. Take whatever I want. In and out in ten minutes. No prints, no evidence. Nothing. If what's-his-name hadn't installed that fuckin' road runner booby trap I'd be in Jamaica by now.

Lloyd: Mmm, I'm impressed.

Gus: Nah, you people don't get impressed do you? Huh? Life just bores the shit outta you people. Well, I'm sorry. We don't all have rich mommies and daddies we can live off of or open restaurants when we get bored playing tennis.

Charlie: [troubled] I put him in the septic tank

Gus: [confused] Who?

Charlie: [nervously] The corpse.

Gus: [still confused] What corpse?

Charlie: [matter-of-factly] The reverend's corpse.

Gus: [stunned] He wasn't a corpse when I left him Charlie

Charlie: Holy Moly!

Gus: Who says "Holy Moly"?

Gus: Who the hell are you?

Mrs. Smalls: Considering that I live here, young man, the question is, "Who the hell are you?"

Reverend Smalls: [as he catches Gus sneaking around his house] Who the hell are you?

Gus: [stammers] Er... I'm the guy that's here to collect the money.

Reverend Smalls: Give me your gun!

Gus: I don't have one!

Reverend Smalls: You've come to get money from me and you ain't packing?

[pause]

Reverend Smalls: Give my regards to the big bearded guy!

Gus: You don't mean Santa Clause, do ya?

[the old man points the gun at Gus as Gus closes his eyes; three loud gunshots are heard]

[repeated line]

Gus: Okie-dokie!

Gus: [sees Charlie looking at the Jesus statuette teary-eyed] What are you doing?

Charlie: He's crying. Jesus, Gus, he's crying for what we've done, for our sin.

Gus: [looks at the statuette, sees the "tears", then looks up at the ceiling]

Charlie: [starts crossing himself] Jesus. Hail Mary, full of grace...

Gus: [interrupting Charlie] Bathtub.

[points above to the ceiling]

Charlie: [looks at the ceiling and sees the crack where water is dripping from; jumps to his feet] GOD... dammit! Is that part of your plan? Huh? After you kill somebody you take a nice hot bath?

Gus: I didn't kill anybody, first of all! Second, I don't go around praying to leaky ceilings!

Charlie: [panicked] Can't we get him out of the tank?

Gus: Well yeah how long has been down there breathing liquid shit?

Charlie: [earnestly] Ten minutes, tops.

Charlie: Maybe I should just turn myself in...

Gus: No, no, no... Nobody's turning anybody in, okay? Now did you know that the priest was alive when you killed him?

Charlie: [sounds offended] No!

Gus: There you go then!

Charlie: [as they're leaving the reverend's house] Wait... Wait... Wait!

Gus: [excitedly] No no no no no no no! Rule number four: Never return to the scene of the crime!

Charlie: [calmly] It's Josie's card, I left it by the phone.

Gus: [stares at him blankly for a second] Rule number five, if your partner turns out to be an idiot, forget rule number four.

Gus: [disbelievingly] You shot me.

Agent Hymes: That's the first true thing you've said yet.

Gus: Welcome to hell, dickhead!

Gus: Hey, whaddya hangin' around here for? You think some fairy godmother's gonna show up at midnight and turn me into a lawyer?

Shirley: I'm not hanging around you, I just haven't left yet.

Gus: Hmmm.

Shirley: What's wrong with you anyway?

Gus: Hey, don't make fun of my height.

Shirley: I'm not talking about your height. I don't care that you're a shrimp. I do care that you're an insensitive shrimp.

Gus: Well let me tell you something, lady. I bust my hump all week working. Come Friday night ain't got time to be Mr. Nice Guy.

Shirley: Oh, well let me tell you something. I feel sorry for you because you're an unhappy person.

Gus: What the hell I got to be happy about? I'm out with an old maid.

[Shirley belts Gus across the jaw, knocking him to the floor]

Shirley: An old maid with a great right hook, you bastard! We were two lonely people, and we should have been nice to each other, but no, you work too hard! You creep!

Gus: I will laugh SO hard, my stomach will burst open and spray bile all over the stage!

Gus: I thought you said he was a rock and roll star.

Lt. Walker: He was a retired rock and roll star.

Capt. Talcott: A civic-minded, very respectable rock and roll star.

Gus: What's that over there?

Nick: It looks like some civic-minded, very respectable cocaine to me, Gus.

Andrews: There are cum stains all over the sheets.

Nick: Very impressive.

Gus: He got off before he got offed.

Gus: Well, she got that magna cum laude pussy on her that done fried up your brain!

Gus: Did you ever do drugs with Mr. Boz?

Catherine: Sure.

Gus: What kind of drugs?

Catherine: Cocaine. Have you ever fucked on cocaine, Nick? It's nice.

[Catherine Tramell uncrosses her legs and it can be seen she's wearing no underwear]

Nick: You like playing games don't you?

Catherine: I have a degree in psychology, it goes with the turf... Games are fun.

Gus: Are you a pro?

Catherine: No, I'm an amateur.

Gus: Where in the fuck you've been? I went over to your place.

Nick: Easy, cowboy, easy. I wasn't there.

Gus: I went over last night, too.

Nick: No, I wasn't there either.

Gus: You fucked her? Goddamn dumb son of a bitch, you fucked her! Goddamn, you are one dumb son of a bitch!

Nick: Next time I'll use the rubber.

[first lines]

Gus: Who was this fuckin' guy?

Nick: Rock and roll, Gus. Johnny Boz.

Gus: Never heard of him.

Nick: Before your time, cowboy.

Gus: I don't buy it! There's gotta be somebody there, who knows whats going on.

Nick: I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED ALRIGHT! Catherine told me and everything she said has checked out!

Gus: You've got Goddamn tweety birds flying around your head! You think the two of you will fuck like minks, raise rugrats, and live happily ever after!

Gus: Everyone she plays with dies.

Nick: I know what that's like.

Catherine: Look, I don't really feel like talking anymore.

Gus: Listen, lady, we can do this downtown, if you want.

Catherine: So read me my rights and arrest me., and then I'll go downtown. Otherwise, get the fuck out of here...

Catherine: Please?

Dr. McElwaine: You working on another book?

Catherine: Yes, I am.

Gus: It must really be something making stuff up all the time.

Catherine: Yeah, it teaches you to lie.

Gus: Forgive me for asking, and I don't mean to belabor the obvious, but why've you got your head so far up your ass

Nick: She wants to play. Fine, I can play.

Gus: Everybody she plays with dies.

Tony Manero: Hey, you know you assholes almost broke my pussy finger.

Gus: Oh yeah, you wouldn't know which one it was.

Gus: Now get out of here before I have a heart attack trying to kill you.

Pete Klein: Have you thought about what you'll do when your contract is up?

Gus: Sure, sign another one for more money.

Gus: You don't know anything about scouting.

Johnny: Don't tell them that.

[first lines]

Gus: [at the toilet] Okay, come on now. Come on, boy. Let's not take your sweet-ass time about this. Jesus. Okay, that's it... Ah, good. Don't laugh, I outlived you, you little bastard.

Gus: What do you say now, jackass? That's know as, trouble with the curve.

Gus: You shouldn't be in a place like this.

Mickey: You used to sneak me into places worse than this.

Gus: I know I'm as blind as a slab of concrete, but I'm not helpless. I'll put a bullet in my head when that happens.

Mickey: That's comforting.

Vince: Well, you can take an early retirement, collect disability. With the pension we offer you should be comfortable.

Gus: Save it. Being comfortable is overrated.

Gus: What are you all staring at? I'm not a pole dancer.

Gus: Anybody who uses computers doesn't know a damn thing about this game.

Gus: You need some money for some new clothes?

Mickey: I just came from yoga.

Gus: You into that voodoo, huh?

Mickey: Yeah. I'm thinking about getting three sixes tattooed across my forehead.

[last lines]

Mickey, Johnny: [kissing]

Gus: Well, it looks like I'll be taking the bus...

Gus: You just need to get as far away from me as you can. Can't you understand that?

Gus: I think maybe, maybe I could change the way I do things.

Mickey: You already have.

Gus: Don't worry. You'll run out of posts before you run out of Texas.

[last lines]

Gus: People often don't know what they're talking about. But when they talk about love, they really don't know what they're talking about. The one sure thing you can say about love is that there isn't much you can say about it. Not that you shouldn't try, you can make analogies. Love is like a lot of things. One thing it's like is a trout stream. Try to capture a trout stream with a dam and you get a lake. Try to catch it in a bucket and you get a bucket of water. Put some under a microscope and you get a close-up look at some writhing micro cooties. But a trout stream is only a trout stream when it's flowing between its own banks. At its own pace. In its own sweet way.

[first lines]

Gus: The surface of the Earth is 30% land and 70% water. A new born baby is composed of 70% water and 30% everything else. I guess this means that life and water are inseparable. A human child at birth under goes a ritual almost identical to that inflicted upon the trout at death. The fish is whacked on the head, thus putting it out of its misery. The infant is whacked on the behind, thus initiating the end to its misery.

Gus: Really, I was just wondering around looking for a place to swim and then... there was You... This beautiful girl... and you were fishing... and here goes nothing way you chucked that hazel pole into the water... and the way you dove in and swam after it... I just knew that you had some way of looking at things, some way of looking at life and the world which was exactly the way of looking at things that I've been trying to look at things... In my whole life I've only met two people who've ever looked at things anyway close to that way and that was my little brother and a philosopher, who talks to his dog! And with both of them it was love at first site too... But I am not sorry... Because when you see the most amazing beautiful thing you've ever seen you don't think about what's right or polite or tell her to cover up... because you can't stop looking... you are just... you are just helpless...

Gus: When most kids were making college plans, I didn't bother. I figured the only institution my grades would get me in was the Oregon State Penn.

H2O: Augustine, you call yourself a fisherman?

Gus: I call myself Gus.

Gus: What can you say after you've spontaneously cremated your parent's prize fish in the fireplace? The only thing that came to my mind was, goodbye.

Gus: There's just nothing like the feel of a trout dancing through the river, making your pole pulse like a heart in your hands. It does to your hands what dreams of eternity do to your heart. And yet, I killed the trout. It's strange to kill your dad's partner, but that's what did. I did it because the world is strange. Because the world does not allow you to make up your own rules based on how you would wish things to be. Because this is a world where no matter who you are, your happiness, your survival, is based on sacrifice. Sweet bleeding sacrifice.

Gus: There's one thing you can say about nature: if you make one lousy rule to describe it, it will contradict you, even if it has to bust its ass to do so. And so what? If anybody ever discovered the real laws of nature, nature would rear back and strike him dead before he pass on the news.

Eddy: Can I ask you a question? What are you doing here?

Gus: It's my cabin, shouldn't I be asking you that?

Eddy: No, not here here, I mean, *here*. Here. Alone.

Gus: Fishing. What are you doing here?

Eddy: Here here?

Gus: Here here.

Eddy: [with stare down] Fishing.

Titus: [about Gus' rod and reel] You and I agreed, did we not, that "rodney" is oblivious to everything, say, but some weight and varnish.

Gus: We did.

Titus: Therefore, does it follow that he is just as oblivious to Gus? Even though Gus is his maker. Even though Gus controls his destiny. Even though Gus' - let's go ahead and call it Gus' - is his essence.

Gus: Yes, it follows.

Titus: Then, therefore, is it possible that maybe you and I are just as oblivious to the presence of a creator? Just as oblivious to a controller of our destiny? Just as oblivious to our essence. An essence that wields you and I even more deftly than you wield rodney.

Gus: Really, I was just wondering around looking for a place to swim and then... there was You... This beautiful girl... and you were fishing... and here goes nothing way you chucked that hazel pole into the water... and the way you dove in and swam after it... I just knew that you had some way of looking at things, some way of looking at life and the world which was exactly the way of looking at things that I've been trying to look at things... In my whole life I've only met two people who've ever looked at things anyway close to that way and that was my little brother and a philosopher, who talks to his dog! And with both of them it was love at first site too...

Colonel Rafelli: [gives Gus a cyanide pill]

Colonel Rafelli: Should anything go wrong, cyanide.

Gus: [joking] What flavor? Orange or lemon?

Colonel Rafelli: [humored] Most amusing.

Gus: Hey, what's in the basket?

John Cassellis: Dinner.

Gus: I got an idea, boss.

Ace Miller: Brother, I need an idea to get out of this jam.

Gus: The cops find these two guys' bodies with a note pinned on 'em sayin' they committed suicide on account of they were so ashamed because they couldn't deliver a real zombie.

Ace Miller: Hey, that's a possibility!

[a band of heretofore friendly Indians have just taken the trappers' rifles and furs]

Jed Cooper: We never fished nor killed any more than we could eat. And we're not Blue Coats. Why are they taking it out on us?

Gus: Civilization.

Jed Cooper: Civilization?

Gus: Civilization is creepin' up on us, lads. The Blue Coats aren't satisfied with gobblin' up all the lands east of the 'Sippi. No, they won't stop till they've pushed us over the Rockies and into the Pacific Ocean. It's a drownin' fate that awaits us all. These are calamitous times, Jed, calamitous times.

Gus: Sorry about the Colonel back.

Jed Cooper: I ain't glad.

Gus: Jed, you did right. And I'm proud of you. Makes me feel as though I didn't bring you up too bad after all.

Jed Cooper: I didn't do it for you, Gus.

Gus: She made you, didn't she? Well, most likely she wanted him dead just as much as you do, but only she couldn't. That 'll be the Christian in her. That's the part of your education that's most been sadly lacking. You ain't got no Christian in you.

Jed Cooper: I ain't?

Gus: No. There's two kinds of love, Jed. The way you love and the way a christian does. She can't be had your way.

Jed Cooper: How the Christians do?

Gus: Well, they begin with... you don't pine for another man's wife.

Jed Cooper: Never?

Gus: Well, maybe sometimes. But a good Christian fights it off.

Jed Cooper: How?

Gus: Well, he gots himself another woman.

Jed Cooper: You mean a Christian loves a woman he don't like, because he can't get the one he wants? I call that real sneaky!

Gus: Fuck! How do you just wake up in a room and have no idea where you are?

Xavier: I guess you've never been drunk before.

Gus: I've been drunk. I spent 3 years in college.

Gus: [Gary is standing in the middle of the diner staring at Eleanor]

[from behind him]

Gus: Hey you! I told you to take that garbage out ten minutes ago. Now get it out!

Carol: Oh Gus, he can't help it. You know he's a little slow.

Gus: Never seen anybody so goddamn stupid all my life.

Gus: My client is certainly entitled for compensation for pain and suffering.

Doc Fisher: Pain and suffering? The woman is dead.

Gus: Ain't no use hiding it. That Bigger Thomas, he bad. Just bad!

Ross Duellan: Now, if you feel - that you can't work with us; then, I'll relieve you of the responsibility.

Gus: You'll relieve me of the responsibility. How you go about that? Move a pen on your T.O. chart? Write a special order? How you go about it, Ross? How do you relieve me of it? Lee's my friend. How do you relieve me of that?

Ross Duellan: Stop making friends.

NASA Engineer: What's he doing?

Gus: Every time he gets that Peter Pan rig on, he thinks he can fly.

NASA Engineer: That's not smart.

Chiz: Who'll be there to help him on the moon?

Gus: Not a soul!

Gus: The Russians have launched.

Gus: Lee, you know, there can only be one first man on the moon. You don't have a reason, now. You wouldn't be a martyr - just a possible suicide.