Guard Mert Quotes in The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Captain Hadley: So this big shot lawyer calls me long distance from Texas. I say "Yeah?" He says, "Sorry to inform you, but your brother just died."

Guard Mert: Oh damn, Byron, I'm sorry to hear that.

Captain Hadley: I'm not, he was an asshole. Ran off years ago. Figured him dead for anyway. So anyway this lawyer fellow says to me: "Your brother died a rich man." Oil wells and shit. Close to a million bucks.

[$9,670,083 in 2014 dollars]

Guard Mert: A million bucks?

Captain Hadley: Yeah, fuckin' incredible how lucky some assholes get.

Guard Mert: Gees louise, you gonna see any of that?

Captain Hadley: Thirty-five thousand.

[$338,453 in 2014]

Captain Hadley: That's what he left me.

Guard Mert: Holy shit, that's great! That's like winning the sweepstakes.

[Hadley gives him a look]

Guard Mert: Isn't it?

Captain Hadley: Dumb shit, what do you think the government's gonna do to me? Take a big wet bite out of my ass is what.

Andy Dufresne: Mr. Hadley, do you trust your wife?

Captain Hadley: Oh that's funny. You're gonna look funnier sucking my dick with no teeth.

Andy Dufresne: What I mean is, do you think she'd go behind your back and try to hamstring you?

Captain Hadley: That's it. Step aside Mert, this fucker's having himself an accident.

[grabs Dufresne and pushes him near the edge of the roof]

Heywood: He's gonna push him off the roof!

Andy Dufresne: Because if you do trust her, there's no reason you can't keep that $35,000!

Captain Hadley: What did you say?

Andy Dufresne: $35,000.

Captain Hadley: $35,000?

Andy Dufresne: All of it.

Captain Hadley: All of it?

Andy Dufresne: Every penny.

Captain Hadley: You better start making sense.

Andy Dufresne: If you want to keep all of that money, give it to your wife. The IRS allows a one-time-only gift to your spouse for up to $60,000.

Captain Hadley: Bullshit! Tax free?

Andy Dufresne: Tax free. IRS can't touch one cent.

Captain Hadley: You're that smart banker who killed his wife, aren't you? Why should I believe a smart banker like you? So I can end up in here with you?

Andy Dufresne: It's perfectly legal, go ask the IRS, they'll say the same thing. I actually feel stupid telling you this, I'm sure you would've investigated the matter yourself.

Captain Hadley: Yeah, fucking A'! I don't need a smart wife-killing banker to tell me where the bear shit in the buckwheat!

Andy Dufresne: Of course not. But you do need someone to set up the tax-free gift for you, and that'll cost you. A lawyer for example.

Captain Hadley: Bunch of ball-washing bastards!

Andy Dufresne: Right. I suppose I could set it up for you. That would save you some money. If you get the forms I'll prepare them for you, nearly free of charge. I'd only ask three beers apiece for each of my co-workers.

Guard Mert: Ha! "Co-workers", get him that's rich ain't it?

Andy Dufresne: I think a man working outdoors feels more like a man if he can have a bottle of suds. That's only my opinion, sir.

Captain Hadley: [looks over at the rest of Andy's co-workers] What are you Jimmies staring at? Back to work!