Greg Focker Quotes in Meet the Parents (2000)
Greg Focker Quotes:
Dina Byrnes: I had no idea you could milk a cat!
Greg Focker: Oh, you can milk just about anything with nipples.
Jack Byrnes: [He reacts] I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?
Jack Byrnes: "My Mother", by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life / You gave me milk / You gave me courage / Your name was Angela / The angel from Heaven / But you were also an angel of God / And He needed you, too / Selfishly I tried to keep you here / While the cancer ate away your organs, / Like an unstoppable rebel force / But I couldn't save you / and I shall see your face nevermore, nevermore, nevermore / Until we meet in heaven.
Pam Byrnes: Dad, that's beautiful.
Dina Byrnes: It always gets me.
Greg Focker: That's amazing, so much love, and also so much information.
Jack Byrnes: I mean, can you ever really trust another human being, Greg?
Greg Focker: Sure, I think so.
Jack Byrnes: No. The answer is you cannot.
Jack Byrnes: What are you driving there? Ford?
Greg Focker: Yeah it's a Taurus. Yeah, we were going to get a mid-size, but I figure, hey, we pull down decent bucks. Might as well go all out, and pop for the full-size.
Jack Byrnes: Sure. Interesting color. You pick it?
Greg Focker: Oh, no, the guy at the counter. Why?
Jack Byrnes: Well, they say geniuses pick green. But you didn't pick it.
Greg Focker: [on the phone] Yeah, you gave me the wrong suitcase. Uh-huh. Yes, it's a black Samsonite. Uh-huh. Ok, well don't you think that the Samsonite people, in some crazy scheme in order to make a profit, MADE MORE THAN ONE BLACK SUITCASE?
Jack Byrnes: Greg, how come you don't like cats?
Greg Focker: I don't not like cats. I-I just - I just prefer dogs. I mean, I'm just more of a dog kind of, you know. Come home, wagging their little tails, happy to see you kind of...
Jack Byrnes: You need that assurance, do you? You prefer an emotionally shallow animal?
Greg Focker: I...
Jack Byrnes: You see, Greg, when you yell at a dog, his tail will go between his legs and cover his genitals, his ears will go down. A dog is very easy to break, but cats make you work for their affection. They don't sell out the way dogs do.
Dina Byrnes: Now Greg, you have a very unique last name. Um, we were curious, how do you pronounce it?
Greg Focker: Oh, just like it's spelled. F-O-C-K-E-R.
Dina Byrnes: F-Focker.
Jack Byrnes: Hmm, Focker. Hmm.
Greg Focker: [in the car listening to "Puff the Magic Dragon"] Who would've thought it wasn't really about a dragon, huh?
Jack Byrnes: What do you mean?
Greg Focker: You know, the whole drug thing?
Jack Byrnes: No, I don't know. Why don't you tell me?
Greg Focker: Some people think that to "puff the magic dragon" means to- They're really, uh - to smoke - to smoke - a marijuana cigarette.
Jack Byrnes: Puff's just the name of the boy's magical dragon.
Greg Focker: Right.
Jack Byrnes: Are you a pothead, Focker?
Greg Focker: No! No. What? No, no, no, no, Jack. No, I'm - I'm not - I - I pass on grass all the time. I mean, not all the time.
Jack Byrnes: Yes or no, Greg?
Greg Focker: No. Yes. No.
Norm: I got a plane full of people saying you threatened that stewardess.
Greg Focker: I was not threatening her. I was just trying to get my bag into the overhead storage thing...
Norm: You were acting like a maniac and you threatened her with a bomb.
Greg Focker: No, I said I didn't have a bomb.
Norm: But you said bomb.
Greg Focker: I said, "It's not like I have a bomb".
Norm: You said "Bomb" on an airplane.
Greg Focker: What's wrong with saying 'Bomb' on an airplane?
Norm: You can't say 'Bomb' on an airplane!
Greg Focker: Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb. You gonna arrest me? Bomb bomb bomb bomb! During the war I was a BOMBadier!
Norm: You assaulted an airline employee and I oughta put you away for years!
Jack Byrnes: Is your name Gaylord Focker, yes or no?
Greg Focker: Yes.
Jack Byrnes: Are you a male nurse?
Greg Focker: Yes.
Jack Byrnes: Are you a pothead?
Greg Focker: No.
Jack Byrnes: Have you ever smoked pot?
Greg Focker: Yes.
Jack Byrnes: Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat to pass him off as Mr. Jinx?
Greg Focker: Yes.
Jack Byrnes: Did you do that because you desperately were seeking my approval?
Greg Focker: Yes.
Jack Byrnes: Because you love my daughter Pam?
Greg Focker: Yes.
Jack Byrnes: Do you want to marry her?
[Greg says nothing]
Jack Byrnes: Do you want to marry her?
Greg Focker: I did, till I met you.
Flight Attendant: Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large we take...
Greg Focker: okay you know what, take you scrubby little paws *off* my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I wanna blow up the plane. I just want to store my bag according to your safety regulations.
Flight Attendant: Sir, sir!
Greg Focker: Hey, hey, If you would take a second, take the little sticks out of your head, clean out your ears, and maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do and all I want to do is hold on to my bag and not listen to you! And the only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers, okay? If you can get it from my kung-fu grip then you can come and have it, okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.
Greg Focker: I love your daughter, Jack. I love her more than anything. But frankly sir, I'm a little terrified of being your son-in-law. This whole weekend has given me a lot of doubts about whether or not I could even survive in your family. I think you've got some serious issues.
Jack Byrnes: If I lighten up, would you consider marrying my daughter?
Greg Focker: Would you lighten up *a lot*?
Jack Byrnes: [unsure] Yeah.
Greg Focker: Yes or no?
Jack Byrnes: Yes.
Greg Focker: Would you let me and Pam live our lives and not interfere all the time?
Jack Byrnes: I promise not to interfere in your lives *all* the time.
Greg Focker: Will you stop making fun of me for being a nurse?
Jack Byrnes: Could you at least try, maybe, to consider another profession?
Greg Focker: Jack, yes or no?
Jack Byrnes: Ever?
Greg Focker: No!
Jack Byrnes: Okay, yes.
Greg Focker: Would you let me and Pam sleep in the same room?
Jack Byrnes: Don't push it, Focker! You're in a real mess.
Greg Focker: Hey Jack, why don't you tell 'em about your little phone call in Thai.
Dina Byrnes: Jack can't talk Thai.
Greg Focker: Oh no, Dina, Jack can talk Thai. Jack talked Thai real well.
Bob Banks: What is that smell?
Jack Byrnes: That smell, Bob, is our shit. Focker flushed the toilet in the den so the septic tank overflowed.
Greg Focker: I told you, Jack, it wasn't me. It was Jinx.
Jack Byrnes: Focker, I'm not going to tell you again! Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat for Christ sakes!
Larry: The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker.
Late Night Courier: Gaylord M. Focker?
Greg Focker: That's me.
Jack Byrnes: I thought your name was Greg.
Greg Focker: It is.
Late Night Courier: That's not what it says here.
Greg Focker: Gaylord is my legal name. Nobody's called me by it since third grade.
Denny Byrnes: Wait a minute, so your name is Gay Focker?
Greg Focker: You have another question? Sure, I got one question for you. It's CAN YOU DEAL WITH THAT?
Greg Focker: It's beautiful... what is it?
Kevin: It's an altar; or you might call it a HHH... Chupah?
[Greg is trying to fit his large bag into the overhead bin]
Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, sir, you're gonna have to check that.
Greg Focker: I got it.
Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry, that bag won't fit.
Greg Focker: No, no, I'm not - hey, I'm not checking my bag, okay?
Flight Attendant: There's no need to raise your voice, sir.
Greg Focker: I'm not raising my voice. THIS WOULD BE RAISING MY VOICE TO YOU, okay? I don't want to check my bag, okay? And, by the way, your airline? You SUCK at checking bags, okay, because I already did that once and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me, okay?
Flight Attendant: Well, I can assure you that your bag will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage...
Greg Focker: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Huh? Are you physically going to take my bag and put it beneath the plane? Are you going to go right now outside, with the guys with the earmuffs, and go put it in there?
Flight Attendant: No...
Greg Focker: No? Okay, then shut your piehole and listen to me when I say that I am FINISHED with the checking-of-the-bags CONVERSATION.
Greg Focker: Oh, oh check my pulse on this one, Jack. Do I think you're a psycho? Yes.
Jack Byrnes: I'm a realist. I understand it's the 21st century and you've probably had premarital relations with my daughter. But under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. Is that understood?
Greg Focker: Of course, yeah.
Jack Byrnes: Good. Keep your snake in it's cage for 72 hours.
Denny Byrnes: You just sniffing my boxers, man?
Greg Focker: No, dude
Pam Byrnes: Greg honey, how are you doing?
Greg Focker: Oh great, considering I desecrated your Grandma's remains, found out you were engaged, and had your father ask me to milk him.
Jack Byrnes: Greg's in medicine too.
Bob Banks: What field?
Greg Focker: Nursing.
Bob Banks: Ha ha ha ha. No, really, what field are you in?
Greg Focker: Nursing.
[Greg is sitting in the dark. Pam walks in to check on him]
Pam Byrnes: What's the matter sweetie? Can't sleep?
Greg Focker: No, no. I was just going over my answers to the polygraph test your dad just gave me.
Jack Byrnes: Greg's a male nurse.
Greg Focker: Yes. Thank you, Jack.
Kevin: Wow, that's great. I'd love to find time to do some volunteer work. Just the other day I saw a golden retriever, he had like a gimp, ya know I just wish I could have done something.
Greg Focker: Yeah, well I get paid too so it's sort of an everyone wins thing.
Greg Focker: O dear God, thank you. You are such a good God to us. A kind and gentle and accommodating God. And we thank You O sweet, sweet Lord of hosts for the smÃ¶rgÃ¥sbord You have so aptly lain at our table this day, and each day... by day. Day by day... by day. O dear Lord, three things we pray: To love Thee more dearly, to see Thee more clearly, to follow Thee more nearly day by day... by day. Amen.
Jack Byrnes: Greg, nobody's expecting much out of you so if I set you up with the ball, you think you could jump up and spike it?
Greg Focker: Yeah. I'd have to be pretty high, but yeah.
Jack Byrnes: I bet you would, Panama Red.
Kevin: There he is. Okay, G-Man, we've got swordfish and we've got salmon, what'll it be?
Greg Focker: How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog, I'm pretty hungry.
Jack Byrnes: I think they call that the 'munchies'.
Jack Byrnes: [Jack is giving Greg a polygraph test] Did you fly on an airplane today?
Greg Focker: Yes, I did.
Jack Byrnes: No peeking. Did we eat potroast for dinner tonight?
Greg Focker: Yes.
Jack Byrnes: Was it under-cooked?
Greg Focker: No, it was rare.
[polygraph starts spiking]
Greg Focker: It was a little rare for my taste.
Jack Byrnes: I'm just kidding
Jack Byrnes: [Greg laughs nervously] Relax. Relax. The needles are jumping.
Jack Byrnes: Have you ever watched pornographic videos?
Greg Focker: No. I mean, well, I don't...
Jack Byrnes: Yes or no?
Greg Focker: [about the polygraph machine] Now these aren't 100% accurate right?
Jack Byrnes: Oh you'd be surprised how accurate they are.
Greg Focker: [practising his speech on a patient at the hospital] Will you marry me?
Greg's Hospital Patient: Yes.
Greg Focker: Seriously, do you think that sounds good?
Greg's Hospital Patient: [flinching] No.
Greg Focker: Really, because I think that pretty much sums up everything...
Greg's Hospital Patient: [struggling] No!
Greg Focker: [looking down] Oh, sorry.
[holding up catheter]
Greg Focker: Sometimes these catheters can pinch a little bit.
Greg Focker: I'm gonna go upstairs and pay a visit to the shower fairy.
Greg Focker: This handles like a dream.
Larry: Let's not make it a nightmare.
Jack Byrnes: Did you flush this toilet?
Greg Focker: Maybe... You know what, maybe Jinx flushed it. I saw little Jinxy in there last night and he took a squatted... relieved himself.
Jack Byrnes: Jinx knows not to use that toilet and even if he did, he'd never flush it.
Greg Focker: What does it matter?
Jack Byrnes: The matter, Greg RN, is that when this toilet is flushed, it runs, and when you have a septic tank that's nearly full and a toilet that's been running all night, then you could have a hell of a problem.
Greg Focker: Don't worry about your little covert op, I'll keep it on the low down.
Denny Byrnes: Down low.
Greg Focker: No doubt.
Kevin: [On who inspired him to be a wood worker] I guess I would have to say Jesus. He was a carpenter, and I just figured if you're going to follow in someone's footsteps, who better than Christ?
Greg Focker: Hmm.
Jack Byrnes: Greg's Jewish.
Kevin: Are you?
Greg Focker: Yeah.
Kevin: Well so was J.C. Wow. You're in good company.
Greg Focker: [In the car looking for Mr. Jinx] Hey Jinx, Mew, mew, mew. Supposed to let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet, fucker.
Jack Byrnes: [about the polygraph machine] Why don't you try that on?
Greg Focker: Oh, that's okay.
Jack Byrnes: Oh, come on. We'll have some fun. I'll show you how it works.
Greg Focker: I-I shouldn't.
Jack Byrnes: Why should you be afraid? You have nothing to hide.
Greg Focker: No, I know.
Jack Byrnes: I know you know, so there shouldn't be any problem.
Greg Focker: No, there's no problem.
Jack Byrnes: So, try it on.
Greg Focker: Okay.
Jack Byrnes: Pam told me she let you in on a little secret of mine last night.
Greg Focker: [Nervously] Yes. Yes, she did.
Jack Byrnes: Well, as long as you can keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life, you are in no immediate danger.
Greg Focker: I won't tell.
Jack Byrnes: [smiles] I'm just being humorous.
Pam Byrnes: Take it easy on the sarcasm. Humor is entirely wasted on my parents.
Greg Focker: What are they... Amish?
Greg Focker: [obviously joking about the cat using the toilet] Plus, you got another guy around the house to leave the seat up.
Jack Byrnes: [long pause] He can't lift the seat, Greg. He lacks the strength and opposable thumbs.
Greg Focker: Does he hook all your boyfriends up to his little machine?
Pam Byrnes: Well, he doesn't need a machine. He's a human lie detector.
Greg Focker: What?
Pam Byrnes: Greg, my father was never in the rare flower business. That was just his cover. He was in the C.I.A. for 34 years.
Greg Focker: How could you not tell me this?
Pam Byrnes: I wanted to, honey, but it was strictly on a "need-to-know" basis.
Greg Focker: So, what? He's in the C.I.A.? He was a spy? He is a spy?
Pam Byrnes: No, he was more like a psychological profiler. They used him to interrogate suspected double agents in the company.
Greg Focker: Oh yea. That's great. I was scared of your dad back when I thought he was a florist. It's wonderful to know that I've actually got a C.I.A. spy-hunter on my ass.
Jack Byrnes: If you married my daughter, would you support her in the way that she deserves to be supported?
Greg Focker: Yes.
Jack Byrnes: Would you be honest and faithful to her?
Greg Focker: Yes.
Jack Byrnes: Will you devote yourself entirely to her for the rest of your life?
Greg Focker: Of course.
Jack Byrnes: Gaylord Focker, will you be my son-in-law?
Jack Byrnes: I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.
Greg Focker: It was Barry Poppins.
Jack Byrnes: What kind of sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?
Roz Focker: Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.
Jack Byrnes: It was your idea?
Roz Focker: Yes.
Jack Byrnes: What is wrong with you people?
Bernie Focker: You people?
Dina Byrnes: I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.
Jack Byrnes: Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?
Greg Focker: Jack. he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?
Jack Byrnes: He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his devlopment.
Roz Focker: The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.
Greg Focker: Mom.
Jack Byrnes: What are you saying?
Roz Focker: I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here and and I've got news for you, Jack, prodigies don't eat there own boogers.
Jack Byrnes: And I've got news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.
Pam Byrnes: Okay, Dad. That's my fiance.
Jack Byrnes: I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.
Roz Focker: Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.
Jack Byrnes: The Little Jack in me?
[Greg is getting extremely frusrated]
Roz Focker: Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed? My guess is no.
Jack Byrnes: Will you spare my the drugstore pyschology.
Greg Focker: [everyone starts arguing] Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP, okay?
[everyone is quiet]
Greg Focker: Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone for a second, I came back, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.
Jack Byrnes: Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truely important. Do you know what that is?
Greg Focker: Love... friendship... enjoying the moment... living... just love.
Jack Byrnes: His legacy.
Greg Focker: That, too. Right, yeah. Sure.
Jack Byrnes: Let me put it very simply. If your family's circle does indeed join my family's circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain.
Greg Focker: What happened last night?
Pam Byrnes: Well, you got drunk and told my dad I'm pregnant, you revealed you have a 15 year old son named Jorge, and oh, apparently you have the hots for my mom.
Pam Byrnes: In a few weeks, I'm not going to be Pam Byrnes. I'm going to be Pamela Focker.
Greg Focker: Or Byrnes-Focker, we haven't totally decided yet.
Pam Byrnes: No, no, no, I'm going to be Pamela Martha Focker. I know how that sounds but that's the name I'm taking.
Greg Focker: You meet some of the... eh... some of the cousins?
Jack Byrnes: I met some, yes. I met some... Dom?
Greg Focker: Yeah, Dom Focker, that's my dad's... uh... first cousin. You meet his kids, Randy and Orny?
Greg Focker: It's great to be here with all of you as I am about to set sail in my ship of life with my first mate, the beautiful, young blonde lass over there. Hey baby.
[blows her a kiss]
Greg Focker: I still masturbate to Pam.
Pam Byrnes: Greg.
Greg Focker: What? It's true. Honey, what? C'mon, you're hot. Look at her! Look at those boobs. Man! I just wanna lather 'em up with soap and just
[shakes head making motorboat noise]
Greg Focker: . Man, I just want to nestle in there and take a little vacation in there.
Pam Byrnes: Honey.
Greg Focker: Honey, what? I'm sorry. Okay, excuse me for you being perfect! Hey, you know who else is great? That woman over there, my future mother-in-law, Dina Byrnes! Dina Dina Bo-Bina Banana Fana Fo Fina. I love D-D-Dina Byrnes! You know they say if you really want to know what a woman's going to look like when she gets older, you should look at her mother. Well I'm lookin' and I'm likin'! Woo, look at her! Sweetness!
Greg Focker: Good genes. Byrnes gene pool.
Greg Focker: Hey, hey you! Hold on. Pam, I gotta tell you something about this little dude right here. In my first really passionate sexual awakening, I did, in fact lose my virginity to our beautiful housekeeper Isabel.
Pam Byrnes: Greg, honey, that was in the past so why don't you just come sit down?
Greg Focker: No, no, no, no, honey. 'Cause I have to get this off my chest. Really. We concieved a child. And his name is Jorge Villalobos. Come on up here, Jorge. Come up here. Let's lift the veil of mystery. The fruit of my loins is right here! Everybody take a look. See his face. He is mine. Search your feelings Jorge. You know it to be true. Yo soy tu papa.
Greg Focker: It's okay. I know. Lot of information. You let it settle. Who'da thunk it, huh? Come on, give that kid a hand. Oh, and Jack? Pam's pregnant. Focker out.
Greg Focker: Hey, Dad, you shouldn't take Moses into the RV. Jack and Dina have a cat.
Bernie Focker: Oh, Moses is fine. He's perfectly trained.
Greg Focker: Dad, he humps everything that moves.
Roz Focker: [laughing] He's like your father!
Bernie Focker: I never cheated on you!
Greg Focker: [singing] And if that mockingbird don't sing, then... Greg is gonna buy you a... diamond ring. And if that diamond ring gets sold, then... Greg is gonna feel like a... big asshole.
Little Jack: ...Asshole!
Greg Focker: [surprised] !... No... oh, no, you don't wanna say that word, cause that's a bad word!
Little Jack: Asshole!
Little Jack: Asshole.
Greg Focker: Jack's Mole! 'Cause Jack has a big mole on his face!
Greg Focker: [about the coach loudspeaker] I like that thing. Hey, mind if I, uh make a little announcement?
Jack Byrnes: Only the captain gets to make an announcement, Greg.
Jack Byrnes: You want to honk the horn?
Greg Focker: Um, sure.
Jack Byrnes: Only the captain gets to honk the horn.
Greg Focker: They don't call me Barry Poppins for nothing.
[they all laugh]
Jack Byrnes: Why would someone call you Barry Poppins?
Greg Focker: [silence] They wouldn't.
Greg Focker: This isn't about you, alright? It's not about either of you. It's about me and Pam. We're getting married. That's it. We're starting our own circle of trust. And guess what.
[points to both of them]
Greg Focker: You're not in it.
Jack Byrnes: You can't start a circle of trust. It's my circle.
Greg Focker: You know what, you don't have a patent on the circle, Jack. And by the way, you're not even in your own circle right now.
Jack Byrnes: That is untrue! I say who's in or out of the circle!
Bernie Focker: Well I'm confused. Who's circle am I in?
Greg Focker, Jack Byrnes: Nobody's.
Roz Focker: Well you know, honey, many unplanned pregnancies happen because the man is such a sexual dynamo, and the woman craves his sperm on an unconscious but very powerful level.
Greg Focker: Mm-hmm. Mom, I'm truely not comfortable having this conversation with you.
Greg Focker: What's the sign for sour milk, 'cause this tastes a little... funky.
Jack Byrnes: That's because that's from Debbie's left breast, Greg.
Pam Byrnes: Did you tell your mother that I'm pregnant? Because she keeps touching my stomach and smiling like that.
Greg Focker: No, I didn't tell her. She guessed.
Pam Byrnes: She what?
Greg Focker: Yeah, and then she told my dad.
Pam Byrnes: Oh, my God.
Bernie Focker: Do you want me to be macho wacho?
Greg Focker: Dad, have I ever said the words macho wacho to you?
Greg Focker: [to Little Jack] What? You don't like me. I don't like your little red outfit. It makes you look like a little demon baby. Maybe I'll get you a little pitchfork for Christmas, so we can put you on a can of Underwood ham. I'm sorry I can't make little poop sounds and I can't make little things that tell people when I want to do things. But I have a sign for you.
[sticks up middle finger]
Greg Focker: How's that for a sign?
Pam Byrnes: This weekend is going to be fun, and your parents are great.
Greg Focker: They're great in small doses.
Greg Focker: [seeing the rear-camera view of the semi blinking its high-beams on and off to indicate impatience] Sorry, Buddy - gotta keep this rig under 55... Captain Jack's orders!
Roz Focker: How are things with you and Pam?
Greg Focker: They're great.
Roz Focker: They're great? Because after two years you have to work to keep things going. Does she still climax regularly?
Greg Focker: Mom, you can't talk that way this weekend, okay?
Roz Focker: Honey, I'm just saying I didn't raise you to be a so-so lover.
Greg Focker: And do you talk yet, Mr. Munchkinhead?
[makes baby noises at Little Jack]
Jack Byrnes: Greg, Greg, Greg. Don't infantilize him. Talk to him like an adult.
Dina Byrnes: Muskrat.
Jack Byrnes: Huh?
Dina Byrnes: Muskrat, Jack.
Jack Byrnes: Oh right.
Jack Byrnes: Just try to understand, he's a little person. His communication skills aren't verbal yet, but he understands.
Roz Focker: [about Greg's circumcision ceremony] See that's Greg getting circumcised.
Bernie Focker: We had the ceremony at my parents' house. There was a cold snap and the heat conked out. Tell it.
Roz Focker: The heater conked out. No matter how hard he tried, the mohel couldn't coax Greggie's tiny little turtle from it's shell.
Greg Focker: You know what, let's not talk about the tiny turtle.
Jack Byrnes: Officer, do you mind telling me why you're arresting these men?
Officer LeFlore: Oh, mercy. It just gets better and better. This is none of your business, looky-loo!
Jack Byrnes: At ease, son. Put down the taser.
[pulls ID out]
Jack Byrnes: Jack Byrnes, C.I.A.
Officer LeFlore: C.I... what?
[looks at the ID]
Officer LeFlore: It says here you're retired. What are you gonna show me next, your AARP card.
Jack Byrnes: Now you listen to me, and you listen good...
Bernie Focker: What's he doing?
Greg Focker: Don't worry, he's going to get us out of this.
Jack Byrnes: You have no right to...
Officer LeFlore: Stand down, sir!
Jack Byrnes: No, I will not stand, you will stand down!
Officer LeFlore: I will not stand down!
Jack Byrnes: Oh, you will stand down or you will be walking a beat at a retirement home in Boyton Beach...
Officer LeFlore: [shoots Jack in the chest with the taser, Jack starts shaking] Remain calm!
Greg Focker: [to Kevin] Why don't you get on your stupid monster yacht with your bubble-butt Russian girlfriend and do Jell-O shots off of Deepak Chopra's butt?
Jack Byrnes: Are you still physically attracted to my daughter, Greg?
Greg Focker: To Pam? Are you kidding? Yes. Jack, there's never been a problem with that.
Jack Byrnes: [sternly] Even after her body's endured the hellish ordeal of birthing twins?
Greg Focker: Yes. Even after that. It's still... It's all good. It's all good under the hood.
Jack Byrnes: That's disgusting.
Kevin Rawley: I speak from the heart, off the cuff, like my man, JC at the Sermon on the Mount. I think that's what you've always admired about me.
Greg Focker: Well, I got news for you. You're not Jesus.
Dr. Bob: Okay, I get it, Greg. I screwed up. The pressure of being in that family finally got to me.
Greg Focker: What are you talking about? You were his golden boy.
Dr. Bob: More like his golden bitch. He wanted Deb and me to get married in Oyster Bay. Done. Can we name our baby after him? "You got it, Jack." Then he gives me this whole spiel, right, about how I'm next in line to his throne. He came up with this name for me, the Bobfather.
Greg Focker: Really? He said that to you?
Dr. Bob: Ah. He pulled the same shit on you, didn't he? In that family, we're all just hamsters on Jack Byrnes' little wheel. His Circus of Trust or whatever he calls it.
Greg Focker: Circle of Trust.
Dr. Bob: I had no idea how deep I was in until I stepped away, and I'll tell you something. Once I got off the treadmill, I've never been happier.
Greg Focker: He's not a doctor.
Kevin Rawley: Not in the Western sense of the word.
Greg Focker: Not in *any* sense of the word.
Greg Focker: I'm getting off the wheel.
Jack Byrnes: What wheel?
Greg Focker: [losing it] The wheel! The little hamster wheel that we're all running up to get a little taste of your little water thingy!
[imitates a hamster]
Greg Focker: Just, please, approval! Approval! Please! Give me some of the Jack... yeah...
Jack Byrnes: I'm watching you.
Greg Focker: Yeah, well I have eyes too, so I'll be watching you... watching me.
Kevin Rawley: [Speaking about Andi Garcia's attractiveness] Look, it's natural to get a little tempted.
Greg Focker: Nobody's tempted, nobody's...
Kevin Rawley: Look, even our dear friend, the Buddha, had to pass through sorrow on his way to enlightenment.
Greg Focker: [sarcasticly] Our dear friend the Buddha? How's he doing? It's been so long. Do you ever listen to yourself?
Kevin Rawley: try not to. I speak from the heart off the cuff like my man JC at the Sermon on the Mount. I think that's what you always admired about me.
Pam Focker: [about The Early Human School] It's actually considered the Harvard of kindergartens.
Greg Focker: [Perusing a school brochure] Mmm. Well, I think Harvard's cheaper.
Roz Focker: As an early Hannukah present, I'm going to send you and Pam a box of these musical condoms.
Greg Focker: Don't do that.
Greg Focker: You're not going to erase my son's memory.
Jack Byrnes: Greg, he saw his father inject a needle into his grandfather's penis. He already has issues. That's something he might never recover from.
Kevin Rawley: Greg, he's not responding to my treatment.
Greg Focker: Really? To you waving your hands over him? He's not a Ouija board, Kevin.
Jack Byrnes: I know you were telling the truth about Andi, Greg.
Greg Focker: Really?
Jack Byrnes: Yeah. The pulse on your carotid artery remained steady as you pleaded your innocence.
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