Grandpa Joe Quotes in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

Willy Wonka: [about Violet grabbing the gum] I'd rather you didn't. There's still one or two things that are a...

Violet Beauregarde: I'm the World Record holder in chewing gum. I'm not afraid of anything!

[pops the gum in her mouth]

Mrs. Beauregarde: How is it, honey?

Violet Beauregarde: It's amazing! Tomato soup, I can feel it running down my throat!

Willy Wonka: Yeah! Spit it out.

Grandpa Joe: Young lady, I think you'd better...

Violet Beauregarde: It's changing... roast beef and baked potato. Crispy skin and butter!

Mrs. Beauregarde: Keep chewin' kiddo! My little girl's gonna be the first person in the world to have a chewing gum meal!

Willy Wonka: Yeah. I'm just a little concerned about the...

Violet Beauregarde: Blueberry pie and ice cream!

Willy Wonka: That part.

Veruca Salt: [staring at Violet] What's happening to her nose?

[Violet keeps chewing and her nose starts turning purple]

Mr. Salt: You're turning blue!

Mrs. Beauregarde: Your whole nose has gone purple!

Violet Beauregarde: [touching her nose] W-What do you mean?

Mrs. Beauregarde: Violet, you're turning violet!

[to Wonka; concerned]

Mrs. Beauregarde: What's happening?

Willy Wonka: Well, I told you I hadn't quite got it right, 'cause it goes a little funny when it gets to the dessert. It's the Blueberry Pie that does it. I'm terribly sorry!

Violet Beauregarde: Mother, what's happening to me?

[continues to turn purple and starts to grow]

Grandpa Joe: She's swelling up!

Charlie Bucket: Like a blueberry!

Willy Wonka: [to Mrs. Beauregarde] I've tried it on, like, twenty Oompa-Loompas and each one ended up as a blueberry. It's just weird!

Mrs. Beauregarde: But I can't have a blueberry as a daughter. How is she supposed to compete?

Veruca Salt: You could put her in a county fair!

[Wonka laughs]

Grandpa Joe: I saw Willy Wonka with my own two eyes. I used to work for him, you know.

Charlie Bucket: You did?

Grandpa Joe: I did.

Grandma Josephine: He did.

Grandpa George: He did.

Grandma Georgina: I love grapes.

Grandpa Joe: Mr. Wonka, I don't know if you remember me, but I used to work here in the factory.

Willy Wonka: Were you one of those despicable spies who everyday tried to steal my life's work and sell it to those parasitic copy-cat candy-making cads?

Grandpa Joe: No, sir.

Willy Wonka: Then wonderful, welcome back.

[Mike Teavee is taken away and Wonka moves towards the Great Glass Elevator with Charlie and Grandpa Joe]

Willy Wonka: Now, how many children are left?

Grandpa Joe: Mr. Wonka, Charlie's the only one left, now.

Willy Wonka: [looks at Charlie] You mean, you're the only one?

Charlie Bucket: Yes.

Willy Wonka: What happened to the others?

Grandpa Joe: [Charlie has taken a chocolate bar magically from a television screen] Holy Buckets!

Charlie Bucket: But it didn't close forever, it's open right now.

Mrs. Bucket: Ah, yes, well sometimes, when grown ups say "forever," they mean, "a very long time."

Grandpa George: Such as, I feel like I've eaten nothing but cabbage soup forever.

Mr. Bucket: Now pops...

Grandma Josephine: The factory did close, Charlie.

Grandpa Joe: And it seemed like it was going to be closed forever. Then, one day, we saw smoke rising from the chimneys. The factory was back in business!

Charlie Bucket: Did you get your job back?

Grandpa Joe: No. No one did.

Charlie Bucket: But there must be people working there.

Grandma Josephine: Think about it, Charlie. Have you ever seen a single person going into that factory? Or coming out of it?

Charlie Bucket: No. The gates are always closed.

Grandpa Joe: Exactly.

Charlie Bucket: But then, who's running the machines?

Mrs. Bucket: Nobody knows, Charlie.

Willy Wonka: I've been longing to press that button for years. Well, here we go! Up and out!

Grandpa Joe: But do you really mean...?

Willy Wonka: Yeah, I do!

Grandpa Joe: But it's made of glass! It'll smash into a million pieces!

[Willy giggles]

Mr. Bucket: Your mum and I thought, maybe you want to open your birthday present, tonight.

Mrs. Bucket: Here you are.

Charlie Bucket: Maybe I should wait till morning.

Grandpa George: Like hell.

Mr. Bucket: Pop.

Grandpa Joe: All together we're 381 years old. We don't wait.

Violet Beauregarde: Who are you?

Grandpa Joe: He's Willy Wonka!

Charlie Bucket: Are the Oompa Loompas really joking, Grandpa?

Grandpa Joe: Of course they're joking. That boy will be fine.

[looks worried]

Grandpa Joe: You either know it when you meet her, or know it when you lose her.

Grandpa Joe: David, if you want to stop playing game of love, you have to stop play with this girl.

Grandpa Joe: There's only two ways to know she's your real companion. You either know it when you meet her, or know it when you lose her. Your companion is a woman you care about, a woman you could call your best friend, a woman you could tell anything to, a woman whose hands you really want to hold.

Grandpa Joe: David, I don't know if I ever told you this, but your grandmother is the only woman I ever had sexual relations with. And after last night I realized that, bless her soul, she didn't have a clue in the bedroom. But that Edna, she's a real professional.

Grandpa Joe: I feel like I just met her and it's over already. She was such a sweet woman. Just being with her I wasn't so lonely. And even when I wasn't with her, knowing that I was going to see her again soon, knowing somebody with thinking about me, somebody cared for me made it easier to get through the day. I can't do this again David. I can't take the pain.it hurts too much, and it doesn't get any easier.

David Mitchell: I know it's hard right now but don't worry. Grandpa, there's another companion out there for you.

Grandpa Joe: No. Your grandmother was my first love; Edna was my last. Not a bad run for 84 years. But now I'm done with love. I'm done. It's over. I'm ending it.

Grandpa Joe: I started out as a baby sucking on a breast and, by golly, that's the way I want to end up.

Grandpa Joe: Still thinking about Julie?

David Mitchell: She thought I was a player.

Grandpa Joe: You were.

David Mitchell: Great. Thanks for the help. It's very helpful help.

Grandpa Joe: David, you gotta ask yourself. Are you a player or were you just played? Because she wasn't interested in the man you were, she might be interested in the man you are.

Willy Wonka: How did you like the chocolate factory, Charlie?

Charlie Bucket: I think it's the most wonderful place in the whole world!

Willy Wonka: I'm very pleased to hear you say that, because I'm giving it to you.

Grandpa Joe: [sounding shocked] You're giving Charlie the...?

Willy Wonka: I can't go on forever, and I don't really want to try. So who can I trust to run the factory when I leave and take care of the Oompa Loompas for me? Not a grown up. A grown up would want to do everything his own way, not mine. So that's why I decided a long time ago that I had to find a child. A very honest, loving child, to whom I could tell all my most precious candy making secrets.

Charlie Bucket: So that's why you sent out the golden tickets!

Willy Wonka: That's right. So the factory is yours, Charlie. You can move in immediately.

Grandpa Joe: And me?

Willy Wonka: Absolutely.

Charlie Bucket: But what happens to the rest...?

Willy Wonka: The whole family. I want you to bring them all.

[Willy and Charlie hug]

Grandpa Joe: Mr. Wonka?

Willy Wonka: [pointedly ignoring him and Charlie] I am extraordinarily busy, sir.

Grandpa Joe: [tentatively] I just wanted to ask about the chocolate. The-the lifetime supply of chocolate, for Charlie. Wh-When does he get it?

Willy Wonka: He doesn't.

Grandpa Joe: Why not?

Willy Wonka: Because he broke the rules.

Grandpa Joe: What rules? We didn't see any rules, did we, Charlie?

[Charlie shakes his head briefly]

Willy Wonka: [springs up from his chair, angrily] Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy:

[grabs a magnifying glass and reads]

Willy Wonka: I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained, et cetera, et cetera... Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum, et cetera, et cetera... Memo bis punitor delicatum!

[slams the contract copy and the magnifying glass down, continues shouting]

Willy Wonka: It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks! You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!

[turns back to his work]

Grandpa Joe: [shocked] You're a crook. You're a cheat and a swindler! That's what you are!

[angrily]

Grandpa Joe: How could you do something like this, build up a little boy's hopes and then smash all his dreams to pieces? You're an inhuman monster!

Willy Wonka: [shouts even louder] I said good day!

Grandpa Joe: Come on, Charlie, let's get out of here. I'll get even with him if it's the last thing I'll ever do. If Slugworth wants a Gobstopper, he'll get one.

Grandpa Joe: [viewing the Wonka-mobile being fueled] Mr. Wonka? Uh, what's that they're filling it up with?

Willy Wonka: Oh ginger ale, ginger pop, ginger beer, beer bubbles, bubbleade, bubblecola, double cola, double-bubble-burple-cola, and all the crazy carbonated stuff that tickles your nose. Few people realize what tremendous power there is in one of those things.

Grandpa Joe: [to Charlie] Sorry I asked.

Grandpa Joe: Well, Mr. Salt finally got what he wanted.

Charlie Bucket: What's that?

Grandpa Joe: Veruca went first.

Charlie Bucket: [about the Wonkamobile] Is this going to go fast, Grandpa?

Grandpa Joe: It should, Charlie; it's got more gas in it than a politician.

Mr. Salt: Quite a nice little canoe you got there, Wonka.

Willy Wonka: All I ask is a tall ship and a star to sail her by. All aboard, everybody.

Mr. Salt: Ladies first, and that means Veruca.

Grandpa Joe: [to Charlie] If she's a lady, I'm a Vermicious Knid.

[Willy Wonka and the group are still on the boat and are at the hallway outside the inventing room]

Willy Wonka: We're there.

Mrs. Teevee: Where?

Willy Wonka: Here. A small step for mankind, but a giant step for us. All ashore!

Mr. Beauregarde: Let me off this crate!

Mike Teevee: Now why don't they show stuff like that on T.V.?

Mrs. Teevee: I don't know.

Mr. Salt: What a nightmare.

Veruca Salt: Daddy, I do not want a boat like this.

[Charlie Bucket and Grandpa Joe read a sign]

Charlie Bucket: Dairy cream...

Grandpa Joe: Whipped cream...

Charlie Bucket: Coffee cream...

Grandpa Joe: Vanilla cream...

Charlie Bucket and Grandpa Joe: Hair cream?

Willy Wonka: Meine Herrschaften, schenken Sie mir ihre aufmerksamkeit

[My friends (masters), please give me your attention]

Willy Wonka: .

Mrs. Teevee: That's not French.

Willy Wonka: Sie kommen jetzt in den interessantesten und gleichzeitig geheimsten raum meiner fabrik.

[You have now come to the most interesting and, at the same time, the most secret room of my factory]

Mr. Salt: I can't take much more of this.

Willy Wonka: Meine Damen und Herren, der Inventing Room

[Ladies and Gentlemen, The Inventing Room]

Willy Wonka: . Now remember, no messing about. No touching, no tasting, no telling.

Grandpa Joe: No telling what?

Willy Wonka: You see, all of my most secret inventions are cooking and simmering in here. Old Slugworth would give his false teeth to get inside for just five minutes, so don't touch a thing!

[Charlie and Grandpa Joe are floating in the fizzy lifting room]

[Grandpa Joe does a somersault in midair]

Charlie Bucket: Hey, you did it, Grandpa.

Grandpa Joe: Ohhhh... ohhhh, I think I hit an air pocket.

Charlie Bucket: You can fly to the moon this way.

Grandpa Joe: Let's just fly south for the winter.

Charlie Bucket: Why not? I'm a bird!

Grandpa Joe: I'm a plaaaaaaane!

Charlie Bucket: I'm... going too high!

Grandpa Joe: When a loaf of bread looks like a banquet, I've no right buying tobacco.

Charlie Bucket: [as the Wonkatania is going through the tunnel, to Grandpa Joe] This is kind of strange.

Grandpa Joe: [excitedly] Yes, it's strange, Charlie, but it's fun! Ha-ha!

[they grin at each other]

Charlie Bucket: Hey Grandpa, what was that we just went through?

Willy Wonka: Hsaw Aknow.

Mrs. Teevee: Is that Japanese?

Willy Wonka: No, that's Wonka wash, spelled backwards. That's it, ladies and gentlemen, the journey's over!

Grandpa Joe: Finest bath I've had tin 20 years!

Charlie Bucket: [after eating the now-shrunken Wonka bar] It's perfect.

Mrs. Teevee: It's unbelievable!

Grandpa Joe: It's a miracle!

Mike Teevee: It's a TV dinner!

Willy Wonka: It's Wonkavision.

Grandpa Joe: It could change the world!

Veruca Salt: Daddy, I want a boat like this. A beautiful paddle boat is what I want.

Grandpa Joe: [to Charlie] What she wants is a good kick in the pants!

Mr. Beauregarde: Violet, what are you doing now? You're blowing up!

Violet Beauregarde: I feel funny!

Grandpa Joe: I'm not surprised.

Charlie Bucket: [referring to Augustus' being stuck in the pipe] He'll never get out.

Grandpa Joe: Yes, he will, Charlie. Watch. Remember when you once asked me how a bullet comes out of a gun?

Charlie Bucket: [as Violet blows up into a blueberry] Why won't she listen to Mr. Wonka?

Grandpa Joe: Because, Charlie, she's a nitwit.

Augustus Gloop: [drinking from the chocolate river] Mm, this stuff is terrific.

Charlie Bucket: Grandpa, look at Augustus!

Grandpa Joe: Don't worry, he can't drink it all.

Grandpa Joe: Good morning. Look at the sun.

[after Mike appears on the screen]

Grandpa Joe: Our little group is getting smaller by the minute.

Willy Wonka: This is the great glass Wonkavator.

Grandpa Joe: It's an elevator.

Willy Wonka: It's a Wonkavator. An elevator can only go up and down, but the Wonkavator can go sideways, and slantways, and longways, and backways...

Charlie Bucket: And frontways?

Willy Wonka: ...and squareways, and front ways, and any other ways that you can think of. It can take you to any room in the whole factory just by pressing one of these buttons. Any of these buttons. Just press a button, and *zing*! You're off. And up until now, I've pressed them all... except one.

[gestures to a button near the top of the Wonkavator]

Willy Wonka: This one. Go ahead, Charlie.

Charlie Bucket: Me?

[Willy Wonka nods as Charlie presses the button]

Willy Wonka: The Egg-dicator can tell the difference between a good egg and a bad egg. If it's a good egg, it's shined up and shipped out all over the world. But if it's a bad egg, down the chute.

Grandpa Joe: [whispering to Charlie] It's an educated Egg-dicator.

Willy Wonka: [In the Wonkavator] Faster, faster; if we don't pick up enough speed, we'll never get through!

Charlie Bucket: Get through what?

Willy Wonka: Aha!

Grandpa Joe: You mean we're going...?

Willy Wonka: Up and out!

Grandpa Joe: But this roof is made of glass! It'll shatter into a thousand pieces! We'll be cut to ribbons!

Willy Wonka: Probably.

[Charlie begins to look nervous]

Charlie Bucket: [Takes loaf of bread from his knapsack and holds it up for everyone to see] How 'bout this?

Mrs. Bucket: Charlie, where'd you get that?

Grandpa Joe: What difference does it make where he got it? Point is he got it.

[Willy Wonka plays a short tune on a pipe whistle]

Mr. Salt: Who said that?

Sam Beauregarde: What the heck is that?

Grandpa Joe: He's got a whistle.