Grandpa Quotes in Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)

[first lines]

Grandpa: Peter. Your momma wants to speak with you. Come on, Pete, take these fool things off.

[takes headphones]

Grandpa: Colt, what is a ninja?

Colt: A ninja is one who can use everything around him to trick his enemies. He and fast and he is friendly to his environment.

Rocky: A ninja is honest and good. His mind, body and spirit are one. He has self-control. He has discipline.

Tum Tum: A ninja loves nature, uh, 'cause he is part of nature. A ninja never fights a battle if he cannot win.

Grandpa: Alright, Samuel!

Rocky: Sir!

Grandpa: From this day forth until forever, you will be known as Rocky. Because you are strong, solid, and cool as granite rock!

Rocky: [Receives mask] Awesome! Yeah!

Grandpa: Ahh, Jeffrey. Fast and free, spirit of the young wild horse; you shall be known as Colt!

Colt: Colt? That's cool.

Tum Tum: What about me? Can I be Monster Destroyer? Or how about Super Killer?

Colt: How about Super Dork?

Tum Tum: Shut up, spazz!

Grandpa: Ah, little one. Since your energy begins and ends with your tummy; you shall be known as Tum Tum!

Tum Tum: Tum Tum!

[Both Tum Tum and Grandpa laugh]

Colt: I can't wait 'till we show these to dad!

Rocky: He'll hate 'em.

Grandpa: Remember, never fight unless you're sure you can win.

Grandpa: I hate pizza.

Grandpa: Two lessons you have to learn from this battle. Lesson 1, never attack unless you're gonna win?

Colt: And lesson two?

Grandpa: Don't climb a tree that's full of thorns. Uh!

Tum Tum: We almost had you!

Grandpa: Had me? Oh Michael.

Tum Tum: What?

Grandpa: If I hadn't have stopped the car, you would've been called 'Pancake' by now.

Grandpa: The hospital is fine except for this wicked nurse. She's got the face of a dragon's butt.

Nurse Hino: [Lifts up his leg too high causing Him to shout in pain] Some People here do understand English, Mr. Shintaro!

Tum Tum: I wanted to come to Japan, Grandpa.

Grandpa: Thank you for wanting to continue your Ninja training.

Tum Tum: Ninja? I really wanted to go there to learn how to be a Sumo Wrestler. You know how much those guys get to eat everyday?

Grandpa: [after a home alone like battle with three dumb bad guys, when the trio was going to prepare dinner] What happened, I thought You said You were gonna have Dinner ready, what is this mess?

Samuel 'Rocky' Douglas Jr., Jeffrey 'Colt' Douglas, Tum Tum: These three Guys came, they wanted to rob the Place!

Grandpa: What could they want to rob?

Samuel 'Rocky' Douglas Jr.: VCR's and stuff, we heard them talking.

Tum Tum: Yeah, but they finally gave up and ran away!

Jeffrey 'Colt' Douglas: We did everything You taught us, we were great!

Grandpa: A true Ninja, never brags about His skill, next time this happens... call the Police.

Grandpa: Watch the target grow in front of your eyes. And when it gets as big as a melon, throw!

Grandpa: People can't fly, but ninjas can!

[after consuming his pills, Grandpa coughs violently]

Grandpa: I got a bone stuck in my throat.

Aunt Sophie: Don't bolt your food, Grandpa. (to Stan and Ollie) He always does that, especially when we have fish.

The Grandson: Grandpa, maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.

Grandpa: As you wish.

Grandpa: It was ten days to the wedding. The King still lived, but Buttercup's nightmares were growing steadily worse.

The Grandson: See, didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdinck?

Grandpa: Yes, you're very smart. Shut up.

The Grandson: A book?

Grandpa: That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today I'm gonna read it to you.

The Grandson: Has it got any sports in it?

Grandpa: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...

The Grandson: Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try to stay awake.

Grandpa: Oh, well, thank you very much, very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.

Grandpa: Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around.

Buttercup: Farm boy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.

Westley: As you wish.

Grandpa: "As you wish" was all he ever said to her.

Buttercup: Farm boy, fill these with water - please.

Westley: As you wish.

Grandpa: That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying "As you wish", what he meant was, "I love you." And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.

Buttercup: Farm boy... fetch me that pitcher.

Westley: As you wish.

The Grandson: Hold it, hold it. What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where's the sports?

The Grandson: Is this a kissing book?

Grandpa: Wait, just wait.

The Grandson: Well, when does it get good?

Grandpa: Keep your shirt on, and let me read.

Grandpa: Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The end.

Grandpa: She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time.

The Grandson: What?

Grandpa: The eel doesn't get her. I'm explaining to you because you look nervous.

The Grandson: I wasn't nervous. Maybe I was a little bit concerned, but that's not the same thing.

Grandpa: Westley didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Buttercup got the news that Westley was murdered...

The Grandson: Murdered by pirates is good...

The Grandson: Wait, what did Fezzik mean "He's dead"? I mean, he didn't mean dead. Westley's only faking. Right?

Grandpa: You want me to read this or not?

The Grandson: Who gets Humperdinck?

Grandpa: I don't understand.

The Grandson: Who kills Prince Humperdinck? At the end. Somebody's got to do it. Is it Iñigo, who?

Grandpa: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.

The Grandson: You mean he wins?

The Grandson: Jesus, Grandpa! What did you read me this thing for?

Grandpa: You know, you've been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we better stop now.

The Grandson: No, I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit down. I'm all right.

Grandpa: And as they reached for each other...

[stops reading]

The Grandson: What? What?

Grandpa: Ah, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear that.

The Grandson: I don't mind so much.

Grandpa: Oh, okay.

[keeps reading]

The Grandson: A book?

Grandpa: In my day, television was called 'a book.'

Caracticus Potts: How was India?

Grandpa: India? I'll tell you something. I got up this morning and I shot an elephant in my pajamas.

Caracticus Potts, Grandpa, Jemima, Jeremy: How he ever got in my pajamas, I shall never know.

Grandpa: You've heard it before.

[they all laugh]

Grandpa: Nasty smelly things, motorcars!

Grandpa: [reading a book out loud] And the big brown bear came lolloping over the mountain. 'No, no!' the princess cried.

Caracticus Potts: Do you think Coggins might do a deal, so much a week?

Grandpa: Coggins? What, him down the road? Sure. He's so mean he wouldn't light your pipe if his house was on fire.

Baron Bomburst: [talking over a comical-looking gramophone-style "morning-glory horn" loudspeaker that he lowers down to Grandpa Potts on a long scissor-link extension arm] Good morning. Thiz is your captain speaking. We hope you had a pleasant trip. In a few moments we will be landing in Vulgaria.

Grandpa: Where?

Baron Bomburst: Vul-GARE-ee-ah.

Grandpa: Oh.

Baron Bomburst: So, please fasten your seatbelt, and no-o-o-o smoking. Thank you!

[starts to raise the speaker back up again]

Grandpa: Thank YOU.

Baron Bomburst: [obligingly lowering the loudspeaker again] You aaarrrre WELcome!

Grandpa: A real loser is someone who's so afraid of not winning he doesn't even try.

[from trailer]

Olive: Grandpa, am I pretty?

Grandpa: You are the most beautiful girl in the world.

Olive: You're just saying that.

Grandpa: No! I'm madly in love with you and it's not because of your brains or your personality.

Olive: Why were you unhappy?

Frank: I fell in love with someone...

[interrupted by Grandpa blowing his nose]

Frank: ...who didn't love me back.

Olive: Who?

Frank: One of my grad students. I was very much in love with him.

Olive: *Him*? You fell in love with a boy?

Frank: Very much so.

Olive: That's silly.

Frank: You're right it was silly. It was very silly

Grandpa: That's another word for it.

Grandpa: Jesus, I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. You know how tired I am? If a girl came up to me and begged me to fuck her, I couldn't do it. That's how tired I am.

Grandpa: Are you gettin' any?

Richard: Dad!

Grandpa: You can tell me, Dwayne. Are you gettin' any?

Richard: Come on, please.

Grandpa: [Dwayne shakes his head] No? Jesus. You're what? Fifteen? My God, man!

Richard: Dad!

Grandpa: You should be gettin' that young stuff.

Richard: Dad!

Grandpa: That young stuff is the best stuff in the whole world.

Richard: Hey! Hey! Dad! That's enough! Stop it!

Grandpa: Will you kindly not interrupt me, Richard! See, right now you're jailbait, they're jailbait. It's perfect. I mean, you hit 18, man! You're talkin' about three to five.

Grandpa: [to Dwayne] Fuck a lotta women, kid, I have no reason to lie to you. Not just one, a lotta women.

Richard: Okay, dad, I think we get it.

Grandpa: [to Dwayne] Are you getting it? Is it going in anywhere? No, don't show me the pad. I don't wanna see the fucking pad.

Grandpa: Every night it's the fucking chicken! Holy God Almighty! Is it possible just once we could get something to eat for dinner around here that's not the goddamned fucking chicken?

Richard: Hey, I will pull this truck over, right now!

Grandpa: So, pull the truck over! You're not gonna shut me up! FUCK YOU! I can say what I want!

Sheryl: [to Frank] He started snorting heroin.

Frank: [to Grandpa] You started snorting heroin?

Grandpa: [in response to Frank, aimed at Dwayne] Let me tell ya, don't do that stuff. When you're young, you're crazy to do that shit.

Frank: [to Grandpa] Well what about you?

Grandpa: [to Frank] What about me? I'm old. When you're old you're crazy not to do it.

Frank: I am going to get something to drink. You want anything?

Grandpa: Yeah, get me some porn. Get me something really nasty too, I don't want any of that airbrushed shit.

Frank: Okay.

Grandpa: Okay, here's a $20. Get yourself a little treat too, get yourself a fag rag.

Frank: All right, I will.

Grandpa: Listen to me, I got no reason to lie to you, don't make the same mistakes I made when I was young. Fuck a lotta women kid, not just one woman, a lotta women.

Olive: [takes off her head phones and grandpa suddenly puts a pauses to his ongoing swearing] What are you guys talking about?

Grandpa: Politics.

Grandpa: Losers are people who are so afraid of not winning, they don't even try.

Grandpa: Again with the fucking chicken.

Richard: Dad.

Grandpa: It's always with the goddamn fucking chicken.

Frank: I take it you didn't like it at Sunset Manor?

Sheryl: Frank...

Grandpa: Are you kidding me? It was a fucking paradise. They got pool... They got golf... Now I'm stuck with Mr. Happy here, sleeping on a fucking sofa. Look, I know you are a homo and all, but maybe you can appreciate this. You go to one of those places, there's four women for every guy. Can you imagine what that's like?

Frank: You must have been very busy.

Grandpa: Ho oh. I had second degree burns on my johnson, I kid you not.

Frank: Really?

Grandpa: Forget about it.

Grandpa: Dwayne? That's your name, right?

Grandpa: [to Frank] Get yourself a fag rag.

Grandpa: Olive, Richard is an idiot. I like a woman with meat on her bones.

Olive: What are you guys talking about?

Grandpa: [thinks for a moment] Politics.

Olive: Oh.

[last lines]

Grandpa: One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach; all the damn vampires.

Sam Emerson: Wait, wait. You *have* a TV?

Grandpa: No. I just like to read the TV Guide. Read the TV Guide, you don't need a TV.

Grandpa: Second shelf is mine. That's where I keep my rootbeers and my double-thick Oreo cookies. Nobody touches the second shelf but me.

Grandpa: [the boys come in carrying Laddie and Star, who are sleeping. Grandpa is totally ignoring the unconscious Laddie in Edgar's arms, and Star in Michael's] Do you know the rule about filling up the car with gas when you take it without asking?

Michael Emerson: [Hoping he says nothing about Laddie and Star] No, Grandpa.

Grandpa: Well, now you do.

Grandpa: Hey! Smells good! When do we eat?

Lucy Emerson: I told Max around 8:00.

Grandpa: Max! Are we going to have company again?

Lucy Emerson: Again? Dad you haven't had company in this house since Mom died eight years ago.

Grandpa: Right! Now we are going to have company again!

Grandpa: Hey, anything around here that might pass for aftershave?

Sam Emerson: How about some Windex, Grandpa?

Grandpa: Yeah, yeah, let me try some of that.

Michael Emerson: You have a big date tonight, Grandpa?

Grandpa: I'm going to drop my handiwork by the widow Johnson.

Michael Emerson: What'd ya stuff for her? Mr. Johnson?

Grandpa: Lucy, you're the only woman I ever knew that didn't improve her situation by getting divorced.

Grandpa: Well, now, let me put it this way. If all the corpses buried around here were to stand up all at once, we'd have one hell of a population problem.

Grandpa: Ouch, my hair!

Tess (in Anna's body): Role-playing! Her idea. New therapeutic technique. Switching points of view.

Grandpa: If I switch with Harry, do I have to wear a thong?

Harry: [mocking Grandpa] Earthquake. Save me. Earthquake.

Grandpa: [about Anna] Stop groveling, man. Let her come to YOU.

Ryan: She'd come with a hatchet.

[Grandpa seeing Harry's underwear that was put over his head, thanks to Anna]

Grandpa: What is this, one of them thongs? I don't want to know.

Ryan: [hearing Anna scream because her door is gone] She saw it.

Grandpa: [gets up quick] I'm gonna check those Lakers.

Ryan: I'm with you...

Harry: You go and ask her you old fart

Grandpa: Boy youth is wasted on the young

Grandpa: What the... what the hell is this?

John: That's lite beer.

Grandpa: Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin' foam?

John: Ariel's got me on a diet because the doc said my cholestorol's a little too high.

Grandpa: Well let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?

John: Bacon.

Grandpa: Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner. Now according to all of them flat-belly experts, I should've took a dirt nap like thirty years ago. But each year comes and goes, and I'm still here. Ha! And they keep dyin'. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me. Just goes to show you, huh?

John: What?

Grandpa: Huh?

John: Goes to show you what?

Grandpa: Well it just goes... what the hell are you talkin' about?

John: Well you said you drink beer, you eat bacon and you smoke cigarettes, and you outlive most of the experts.

Grandpa: Yeah?

John: I thought maybe there was a moral.

Grandpa: No, there ain't no moral. I just like that story. That's all. Like that story.

[after Allie swallows a quarter]

Grandpa: Relax. Kids swallow quarters all the time.

Melanie: Really?

Grandpa: Sure. If she craps out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.

Grandpa: And then the Mama Bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed, too!" And finally, the Baby Bear looked and he said, "Somebody's sleeping in my bed, and the bastard's still there!" But Goldylocks had a Remington semi-automatic, with a scope and a hair-trigger!

Allie, Melanie's Daughter: That's not the way it goes!

Grandpa: And that was the end of the Three Bears.

Grandpa: [to Mama Regatti in the produce section of the market] How about you come back to my place and I'll show you my man-size canalloni.

Grandpa: I'm done.

John Gustafson: Pop, I really wish you'd try the low fat bacon...

Grandpa: Well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and see which gets filled first!

Grandpa: What's the matter, beautiful? You're meaner than a dog shitting tacks.

[Grandpa, in a rare moment of clarity]

Grandpa: [to Molly] Of all my daughter-in-laws, you're my favorite. You're smart and you're a good person. That's why Jimmy loves you so much.

Mollie: Grandpa, what's going on?

Grandpa: Look, I'm a hostage.

Burly Orderly: He's not a hostage. He's a *mean* old bastard! You see what he did to my arm? And he gave the nurse a black eye!

Mollie: Grandpa, did you eat all these candy bars today?

Grandpa: What candy? The bastards STOLE my candy!

Grandpa: [Standing outside in a fog] Where am I? I don't seem to be anywhere. If death is like this, I don't think much of it. Everything's gone. People, trees, birds, wine. Well, up yours!

Grandpa: My father's father was known as "Big Meat." He lived to be 107 and he was still doing it!

[Whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle]

Suzanne: Did you want some more cashews, Grandpa?

Grandpa: Did I already have some?

Grandma: [under her breath, to Aretha] He gets worse every day.

Grandpa: Who gets worse? I heard that! Get off my back, woman! I wanna go home!

Grandma: We're going home, dear.

Grandpa: Not with you! I wanna go home.

[smiles at Aretha]

Grandpa: Are we going soon?

Aretha: Soon, sir. Very, very soon.

Grandpa: You know what my daddy did?

Aretha: What?

Grandpa: [confused] What were we talking about?

Grandma: [under her breath, to Aretha] I told ya.

Grandpa: I heard that! Get out my back, woman! Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap--that's all you do all the livelong day!

[singing]

Grandpa: And the farmer hauled another load away...

[wanders off across the lawn]

Grandma: [sighs] The other night he punched me when I was trying to put some clean pajamas on him.

Agnes Smith: I can't get hungry till it gets dark.

Katie the Maid: Dinner's at five-thirty. You can eat blind-folded!

Mrs. Anna Smith: We have to be out of the dining room by six-thirty. Warren Sheffield is telephoning Rose from New York. And Rose, if I were you, I wouldn't committ myself one way or another. After all...

Rose Smith: Mama, for goodness sakes!

Mrs. Anna Smith: After all, we know very little about him. Why, we haven't even met his folks.

Rose Smith: It seems to me that one little phone call is causing an awful lot of excitement in this family!

Mrs. Anna Smith: Besides, you're entirely too young and I don't think your father will allow it.

Katie the Maid: Mrs. Smith, if I'm going to keep lying to your daughters, I'll have to ask for more money.

Mrs. Anna Smith: Now, remember, not a word of this to your papa. You know how he plagues the girls about their beaus.

Agnes Smith: Everybody knows but Papa?

Grandpa: Your papa's not supposed to know. It's enough we're letting him work hard every day to support the whole flock of us. He can't have everything.

Grandpa: You'll all be safe with me; I've got twelve guns in my room!

Warren Sheffield: [on the telephone with Rose] Wait, Rose! We still have... 36 more seconds!

Rose Smith: I have an engagement. I think I can hear Joe's voice, now.

Grandpa: [lifts the tablecloth and looks under the table] Good evening, Joe!

Warren Sheffield: Rose Smith, we can't go on like this any longer. I've positively decided we're going to get married at the earliest opportunity and I don't want to hear any arguments. That's final. I love you. Merry Christmas.

Rose Smith: Merry Christmas

Mr. Alonzo Smith: Anna, who is that boy?

Mrs. Anna Smith: Now Lonny he's a very fine young man. We'll talk about it later.

Grandpa: That young man is so excited he's liable to leave on his honeymoon without Rose.

Grandpa: Excuse me, young man, but in the great country of China, when a stranger admires one of your possessions, it's common courtesy to offer it to him.

Kid at the ball: That's very interesting...

Grandpa: Well I spent many years in China, and if you want me to feel thoroughly at home, you might offer me your partner.

Kid at the ball: Huh?

Grandpa: Spoken like a true gentleman.

Agnes Smith: Rose, it's six-thirty and Warren hasn't called yet.

'Tootie' Smith: Maybe he found another girl.

Mrs. Anna Smith: Quiet, you two.

Rose Smith: Mama, I assure you that I'm not the slightest bit sensitive about Warren Sheffield.

Grandpa: The queen has spoken.

Alonzo 'Lon' Smith Jr.: I suppose Warren's too young, too. Every fellow I introduce her to is too young.

Mrs. Anna Smith: Now, listen. Your papa will be down in a minute, and if we all eat quickly, we may still get out of here before the call comes through.

Esther Smith: Warren is twenty-one and I think that's a perfect age.

Rose Smith: He's practically a child.

Mrs. Anna Smith: Your father was twenty when we were married.

Grandpa: We gave him the bachelor dinner the night before. He almost missed the wedding!

Grandpa: [moaning] Ohhhhhhh.

Katie the Maid: What was that?

Grandpa: Here are your sacks of flour.

[Hand them to Tootie and Agnes]

Grandpa: You couldn't get me out on a night like this for a million dollars!

Agnes Smith: Did anyone here a noise just now?

Grandpa: Did it sound like this?

[moans again]

Grandpa: Ohhhhhh?

Agnes Smith: Uh-huh.

Grandpa: [Shakes his head] I didn't hear it.

Grandpa: If you wet the flour before you throw it, it makes it harder for the victim to remove it.

Grandpa: That doctor must be walking!

Rose Smith: Should I call Papa at his office?

Mrs. Anna Smith: Oh, heavens no, don't call your father! What could he do? There, there, Tootie, darling.

'Tootie' Smith: He tried to kill me...

Mrs. Anna Smith: Now tell Mommy what happened.

Esther Smith: It was the streetcar. I think it hit her.

Rose Smith: It must have knocked her onto the sidewalk, didn't it, Tootie?

'Tootie' Smith: No, it wasn't a streetcar. It was John Truett. He tried to kill me.

Mrs. Anna Smith: John Truett hit you?

'Tootie' Smith: He tried to kill me, and when I screamed, he ran away.

Esther Smith: Tootie Smith, that's a monstrous falsehood. John Truett would never hit a girl, least of all my sister.

Agnes Smith: [Giggles] Roses are red, John's name is Truett, Esther's in love, We always knew it!

Grandpa: Truett... Knew it... That's good. But I can't think of anything that rhymes with "Colonel" if it isn't "Infernal".

Grandpa: Superman isn't brave.

Angus: Did you take your pills this morning?

Grandpa: [chuckles] You don't understand. He's smart, handsome, even decent. But he's not brave. No, listen to me. Superman is indestructible, and you can't be brave if you're indestructible. It's people like you and your mother. People who are different, and can be crushed and know it. Yet they keep on going out there every time.

Grandpa: As for what anybody else thinks, always remember these words and live by them: screw 'em!

Grandpa: These ARE my teeth!

Angus: I guess - you paid for 'em.

Grandpa: Don't mind what other people think.

Angus Bethune: You don't know what other people think anyway. Your mind is shot!

Grandpa: Why does she talk to me like I'm a child?

Angus Bethune: Why does she talk to me like I'm an adult?

Grandpa: Meg you're making everybody crazy, you're on me all the time about the marrage, you're all over Angus about the science school crap...

Meg Bethune: Its not crap dad!

Grandpa: Its crap!

Meg Bethune: Its a wonderful opportunity for him, a chance to excel in something he's really great at. Its good for Angus. Its also an opportunity for him to go someplace where he doesn't have to account for who his parents are.

Grandpa: Screw what other people think! He doesn't have to prove anything!

Meg Bethune: Neither does he. This dance thing is a prank. I don't want him humiliated infront of the whole school.

Grandpa: You know what you're doing? You're not giving the boy credit for being strong.

Meg Bethune: Do you know every time he sits down in the cafeteria, the kids jump up like they're being thrown off the bench? They call him big foot.

Grandpa: He never mentioned that to me.

Meg Bethune: He never told me either. Do you know what they did with his underwear? They ran it up the flag pole just to humilate him. And he gets up and goes back there every single day. Don't you tell me I don't know how strong my son is. I know. And if he wants to go to any god damn school where kids won't slap their belly every time he walks by, then he damn well can.

Grandpa: That was you kid, third grade. Look how you turned out.

Billy Johnson: Grandpa, what's it like to die?

Grandpa: [pause] I don't know, son.

Grandpa: Look! Purple may be a little strange.

Mrs. Orfus: Yes!

Grandpa: But that's because he is a brilliant musician!

Mrs. Orfus: No! No! Purple is an alien!

Mary "Mac" Mackenzie: Wicked, your grandfather's an angel. Told you he'd look after you.

Nicholas Yuleson: I swear i'll never take the lord's name in vain again

Grandpa: You're forgiven Nicholas

Grandpa: You know, Ralf, your mother really is sick. She's been talking about this visit for weeks.

Mother: Maybe that's what's made her sick.

Melanie: [Young Thomas enters the house in his oversized uniform] What are you wearing ? That's not Youth Movement!

Thomas: No - it's the People's Army. All able bodied men between sixteen and sixty have been conscripted.

Melanie: But you're only fourteen!

[Thomas shrugs passively, Melanie is alarmed]

Grandpa: [interupting] A couple of years makes no difference. You know yourself that all the sixteen year olds have gone already!

Grandpa: [Giving Dylan a present] I, uh... thought you might like something to remind you of home if you're missing us.

Dylan: Oh, you're still my favourite living fossil!

Grandpa: [to Tyler] I never liked you anyway.

Grandpa: [when he's caught with a gun] I was just cleaning it.

Grandpa: You're blind... you're blind. I am the exposer. I am a seer. I see the veiny, deformed... face of the world.

Grandpa: You see Santa Claus tonight you better run boy, you better run for ya life!

Grandpa: Santy Claus only brings presents to them that's been good all year. All the other ones, all the naughty ones, he punishes! What about you, boy? You been good all year?

Grandpa: You scared, ain't ya? You should be! Christmas Eve is the scariest damn night of the year!

Charlie Lightcloud: Smoke! Something's on fire.

Grandpa: Fire, hell! That's smoke talk. Chester Walkingbear over at Big Springs. I thought that old dog-eater was dead by now.

Charlie Lightcloud: What's it say? You know I can't read smoke talk.

Grandpa: A lot of good it did to send you to school, can't even read your own language! He saying, get ready for big whoop-up. Watch squaws. Joe Lightcloud comin' home!

Grandpa: Tongue of viper, should strip you naked, paint you red, horse drag you 'cross river.

Charlie Lightcloud: Not now, Grandpa.

Grandpa: And don't call me Grandpa. Scorpion squaw should work more, talk less.

Annie Lightcloud: Watch out, old man!

Joe Lightcloud: Where's old Grandpa? Is he still alive?

Grandpa: Damn right, he is!

Joe Lightcloud: You don't look a day older.

Grandpa: Day older than what?

Grandpa: Demon squaw. Shame tribe of Lightcloud.

Grandpa: You bad Indian.

Charlie Lightcloud: Now, Grandpa.

Grandpa: Don't call me Grandpa!

Charlie Lightcloud: She's only half Indian.

Annie Lightcloud: I'm half Mexican. I'm proud of it!

Grandpa: We invite friends to celebrate our great good fortune, and this half-bread, scorpion squaw will not feed them.

Grandpa: In old days when we have whoop-up, we have *whoop-up*! When friends come to my father's tepee, they get buffalo. Big, fat buffalo!

Bronc Hoverty: I got the bull!

Grandpa: You stole him, huh?

[Smiles]

Grandpa: Just like old days.

Grandpa: You stay away from me, old squaw.

Annie Lightcloud: Where's your new clothes, Grandpa.

Grandpa: Mail order suit stink! Wolf skin and blanket, good enough.

Grandpa: The truth is...

[sighs]

Grandpa: this is hard for me to say. The truth is... I never banished any lobsters to the sea.

Father: [Long pause] I know that, Dad.

Grandpa: They banished me to the land.

Father: [Yells] What are you talking about?

Grandpa: [to Audience Member] What was that? Tittymitty?

Father: How do you feel about that, Grandpa?

Grandpa: [Grinning] I like that name.

Father: He likes it a lot, you made him happy.

Grandpa: Well good shooting there, Craphole. Looks like you got about 2000 pounds here, and between the three of us we can carry back about... 20.

Grandpa: Now, now, now! Whoever wants to kill the most should go first.

Daughter: [Raises hand] I do, Grandpa. I've got bloodlust.

Grandpa: And you...

[looks at Father]

Grandpa: I have no idea who you are. Get the hell out of here, I'm trying to die with my family!

[repeated line]

Grandpa: You chickenkit son of a bitch!

Grandpa: Never wait too long between shots or your finger may change its mind.