Grandma Klump Quotes in The Nutty Professor (1996)


Grandma Klump Quotes:

  • Mama Klump: Sherman, I think I do remember hearing something on TV about colon cleansin'. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an appointment and go down and get my colon cleansed thoroughly.

    Papa Klump: You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine.

    [lets a loud fart, and Ernie Jr. starts laughing harder and harder]

    Papa Klump: There. Now my colon is clean. I'm talking squeaky clean.

    Mama Klump: Every time we have a meal, you start breaking gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal.

    Papa Klump: Don't tell me to stop! You're the one that brought up colon cleansin' and all that mess!

    Mama Klump: I did not say anything about breakin' gas! I said I was going to get my colon cleaned.

    Papa Klump: Don't you talk about puttin' a tube up somebody's ass, but I can't break wind.

    Mama Klump: I didn't say nothin' about puttin' no hose up nobody's ass. Clesius, I said -...

    Papa Klump: What you think a colonic is? You think you're gonna run your asshole by the car wash?

    [Ernie Jr. starts choking from eating and out of control laughter]

    Mama Klump: You're chokin' the baby.

    Papa Klump: As Iong as I pay the bills, I do what I want at this table. Case in point.

    [lets another loud fart]

    Grandma Klump: Who will call my name?

    Papa Klump: Yeah, I'll call you up if your name is -...

    [farts in finishing his sentence, then laughs in mockery]

    Grandma Klump: Keep insulting me.

    [picks up a knife]

    Grandma Klump: I'll toss this between the crack of your ass.

    Papa Klump: You know, I can go all night.

    [lets another loud fart]

    Mama Klump: I hope you fart until your asshole falls out.

    [Clesius lets another fart, and then Ernie Jr. manages to follow along]

    Mama Klump: Oh, my baby too!

    [Clesius lets another loud fart that this time sounds wet]

    Papa Klump: Oops! Now see what you made me do?

    [starts running away clutching his pants]

    Papa Klump: Goddamn it, I messed up my pants!

  • Grandma Klump: Come on, Cletus! It aint nuthin' but a short walk. You might walk over, but you limpin' back! I aint no easy win, nigga!

  • Mama Klump: Cletus, come clean this garbage up.

    Papa Klump: Man, I'm watchin' TV!

    Grandma Klump: I'll kick your lazy ass up.

    Papa Klump: I told you, none of your damn business!

    Grandma Klump: You lazy mother...!

  • Grandma Klump: [starts coughing heavily]

    Papa Klump: Everybody better cover your plate.

    Mama Klump: Here, momma, have some water.

    Grandma Klump: Whatcha talking' about cover your plate? Not tonight, Cletus. I'll kick your ass.

  • Grandma Klump: I know a good church down there on Main Street, but they won't marry you if you're a lesbian.

  • Grandma Klump: Come on Cletus, come on right now! But I'm gonna tell you something, I gotta a razor in this here bag.

    Papa Klump: Oh yeah? Well let me tell you something, that ain't even no bag you got in your hand, that's your titty.

    Mama Klump: Cletus!

    Papa Klump: She's an old bag with old bag tittie.

    Ernie Klump: [quietly to Ernie Jr] Heh, he called Grandma a titty bag.

  • Grandma Klump: The other day I got out the shower and I bend down to reach for a towel, and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. Shot through my chest and up around my shoulder and down my spine. I thought "Oh, Lord." I thought I was dying. I bent over and looked, and I was standing on my own titty.

    Mama Klump: You don't need a breast reduction, just be more careful.

    Grandma Klump: Both feet, too. Both feet.

  • Grandma Klump: Does Cletus know I'm strapped?

    Papa Klump: Come on, shoot.

    Grandma Klump: I'm strapped, nigga!

  • Papa Klump: What *I* do in *my* bedroom is *MY* business, you understand that?

    Grandma Klump: The only thing you do in your bedroom is pull the lint off your scrotum!

  • Grandma Klump: Now that's what I call the Muy Caliente El Negro Special!

  • Grandma Klump: Cletus, have you ever heard of the expression 'mercy hump'?

    Papa Klump: Say what?

    [Chantel laughs loudly]

    Grandma Klump: 'Cause that's what you've been getting all these years - mercy humps.

    Mama Klump: Mama, don't start! Stop it!

    Papa Klump: You outta your goddamn mind. Let me tell you something...

    Chantal: [laughs] He ain't got nothin' but a limp doodle!

    [Anna gasps as Cletus grows offended, Chantel stops laughing]

    Chantal: Oops, sorry.

    Grandma Klump: [to Cletus, laughs] God'll getcha!

    Mama Klump: Clesius!

    [to Chantal and Grandma]

    Mama Klump: Oh, look what you've done! Oh.

    Chantal: Oh... I...

    Papa Klump: You girls are crazy. I'm leaving. I don't believe it.

    [storms out]

    Mama Klump: Oh, Clesius, Clesius, wait! Clesius! Oh, Clesius! Cletus, I only told her 'cause she's got so much experience in sexual matters.

    Papa KlumpMama KlumpChantal: [furiously] I ain't nothin' but a big damn joke to you, ain't I, Anna! Why don't you tell the whole world: 'my husband ain't nothin' but a big ol' pile of worthless crap'!

    [Cletus leaves]

    Mama Klump: [sadly] Cletus! Cletus! Oh!

  • Grandma Klump: Hey Cletus, who dat der piece of bisghetti remind you of? Maybe Mr. Johnson perhaps?

Browse more character quotes from The Nutty Professor (1996)