Grandma Quotes in Feast (2005)

Bozo: YOU!

Grandma: [Drunkenly] What?

Bozo: You know somethin'!

Grandma: Huh?

Bozo: You're old! You've seen things!

Grandma: I don't know a thing.

Bartender: Easy there...

Bozo: Back off me, whitey! I'm interrogating her.

Bozo: Old people know things, like legends and tall tales and shit.

Grandma: No... really... I don't...

Bozo: Come on! Spill it! Or I'll get rough!

Grandma: I don't know anything!

[Points to Bartender]

Grandma: Why don't you ask him? He's old!

Heroine: Relax. She doesn't know anything.

Bozo: Yeah... allegedly.

Grandma: Are you gonna help Tommy?

James: Sure. I'll help him. Be my pleasure to help the boy.

James: [hands her a dollar] Here. Give him that for a bowl of soup.

Grandma: I know what happened to you, and what you think it cost you. But the son who left me many moons ago in search of his manhood came back to me a drunken, self pitying, overgrown child. You are a terrible example for our people and a disgrace to your mother. You have an opportunity now to do some good.

[begins walking away, then turns to him]

Grandma: Help Tommy or pack your bags.

Carlos Sanchez: Mama, how did you get here?

Grandma: Eh. Cholesterol.

Grandma: Kids these days, with their long hair and not killing stuff.

Carlos Sanchez: All of the Sanchezes have been bullfighters. All of them.

Grandma: I was a beast in the ring. A beast!

Grandma: Kids today, with their long hair and their no killing stuff.

Grandma: There's nothing wrong with being scared Norman, so long as you don't let it change who you are.

Norman Babcock: Dad says I shouldn't talk to you anymore, Grandma.

Grandma: Jackass, if I were a poltergeist I'd throw something at his head.

[first lines]

Movie Zombie: Grrr. Brains!

Grandma: What's happening now?

Norman Babcock: Well, the zombie is eating her head, Grandma.

Grandma: That's not very nice. What's he doing that for?

Norman Babcock: [chuckles] Because he's a zombie. That's what they do.

Grandma: He's gonna ruin his dinner. I'm sure if they just bothered to sit down and talk it through, it would be a different story.

Grandma: How dare you fart in front of the goddess, she'll send you straight to hell.

Grandma: [referring to Terry, while sitting on her bed inside her room in the nursing home] How's that nice girlfriend of yours?

Happy Gilmore: Oh, she got hit by a car. She's dead.

Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a glass of warm milk? It helps me go to sleep.

Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up! Now, you will go to sleep! Or I will PUT you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in MY world now, grandma!

Grandma: Who are you waving at, Happy?

Happy Gilmore: Nobody, Grandma. Let's go home.

Grandma: [watching Happy's Subway commercial] It makes me hungry.

Happy Gilmore: Yeah, well we won't have to worry about eating anymore, Grandma. See, they gave me this card: free Subway for life.

Napoleon Dynamite: Well, what is there to eat?

Grandma: Knock it off, Napoleon! Just make yourself a dang quesa-dilluh!

Grandma: How was school?

Napoleon Dynamite: The worst day of my life, what do you think?

[Gil has been complaining about his complicated life; Grandma wanders into the room]

Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.

Gil: Oh?

Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!

Gil: What a great story.

Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

Susan Buckman Merrick: [after breaking the lock on Gary's bedroom door and searching it, Helen finds some sex tapes and plays one - graphic sex sounds from the television as Susan and Grandma enter the room] Helen? Oh, the door was unlocked.

[sees the sex action on the television]

Grandma: What channel is this?

Helen: No Gran, this is a tape.

Grandma: [to Susan] She needs a man... Now!

Helen: Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this!

Grandma: [to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!

[after inhaling balloon helium]

Grandma: When I was a girl, Grover Cleveland was president. Hehe!

Larry Buckman: [approaching Grandma] Is that Grandma?

Frank: Yeah, she's still alive.

Larry Buckman: [Larry and Grandma laugh and embrace] Jeez Grandma, you got short.

Grandma: I'm shrinking!

Larry Buckman: [briefly chuckles] Bummer!

Gil: [lights went out unexpectedly and have just been turned on. Gil thinks he has a flashlight but is holding a vibrator] What's this?

[switches vibrator on]

Gil: [lights come up, Gil laughs and leaves the room]

Taylor: Mommy, what was that?

Karen: That was... an electric ear cleaner.

Taylor: It was kind of big.

Grandma: It sure was!

Morticia: Children, do you think we love the baby more than we love you?

Wednesday, Pugsley: Yes.

Morticia: Do you think that when a new baby arrives, one of the other children has to die?

Wednesday, Pugsley: Yes.

Grandma: Well, that's just not true.

[sighs wistfully]

Grandma: Not anymore.

[at Debbie's house]

Morticia: Where are we?

Grandma: It looks familiar... of course, the gates of hell.

Morticia: My baby is ill, and my husband is dying. Oh Mama, what shall I do?

Grandma: Well, you have a black dress.

[Grandma waves a skull at Debbie]

Grandma: Luxor, nexor, burst and BURN!

Debbie Jellinsky: What is she doing?

Grandma: Just a curse. Have a nice day.

[air kiss]

Pugsley: It's a boy.

Wednesday: It's a girl.

Uncle Fester: Gomez!

Grandma: What news?

Wednesday: Father, what is it?

Gomez: [just upon returning from the hospital room, bursting] It's an Addams!

Debbie Jellinsky: My first husband, the heart surgeon. All day long, coronaries, transplants.

Grandma: What about your needs?

Debbie Jellinsky: "Sorry about dinner, Deb. The Pope has a cold."

[the next slide shows a shadow of an axe on the wall heading towards the Surgeon]

Grandma: An axe! That takes me back.

Debbie Jellinsky: Husband number two. The senator. He loved his state, he loved his country!

Grandma: What about Debbie?

Debbie Jellinsky: "Sorry Debbie, no Mercedes this year. We have to set an example." Oh yeah? Set this!

[the next slide shows car headlights heading towards the Senator in panic]

Grandma: Unless Fester comes back, we're talking *dimples*.

Gomez: Not in this house!

Grandma: He could stay this way for years! Forever! He could become... a lawyer.

Gomez: I won't listen!

Grandma: An orthodontist!

Morticia: Mama! Stop!

Grandma: President!

Gomez: [looking up above] Please! I beg you! Take me!

[sobs openly]

[first lines]

Wednesday: [giving a funeral to a cat in a shoe-box] Come, sorrow; we welcome thee. Let us join in grief, rejoice in despair, and honor the fortunate dead.

Grandma: Dearly beloved...

Wednesday: [the cat mews and Wednesday shakes the box] Shh! Quiet!

Grandma: [starts piling dirt on the box]

Grandma: [in Pubert's now lighthearted nursery] Stay back! He's very sick!

Morticia: [Morticia and Gomez look over into his cradle to see a blond, rosy cheeked smiling baby] My baby!

[Gomez faints]

Grandma: Ashtray! You little bitch ass motherfucker! Come over here and give your grandma a hug!

[after Ashtray hits her]

Grandma: You still hit like a bitch, motherfucker.

[smoking a blunt]

Grandma: [shouts] Damn! This is some good shit.

[to Stifler, after he has been 'caught with his pants down']

Grandma: Focus.

Willie: Is Granny spry?

[Wille and the kid enter the house]

Kid: Grandma, are you spry?

Grandma: Roger, you're home, let me fix you some sandwiches!

Willie: Are you fucking kidding me?

Grandma: Let me fix you some sandwiches...

Jan Brady: [her demonic inner voices] Watch my head spin! Kill! Kill! Kill!

[out loud]

Jan Brady: No, stop it! I can't take it anymore!

[her demonic inner voices]

Jan Brady: Ah, shut up you loser!

Grandma: Jan, cut the crap!

Jan Brady: They're gone! Thank you Grandma!

Grandma: [about Ike] I like his tight butt.

Maggie Carpenter: Grandma!

Grandma: Well, I do.

Grandma: Oh, go on and cry. You'll pee less, as my grandma used to say.

Suzanne: Aw, shut up, Grandma.

Grandma: I beg your pardon?

Suzanne: I should think you would.

Grandma: You see there? Now if you washed her mouth out with soap when she was little, like I told you, maybe she'd have some respect now!

Suzanne: [talks over] I'm simply suggesting we all try to enjoy one each other without having to assign blame.

Grandma: Ooh, listen to Miss Snootybritches. "Assign blame," hee hee.

Suzanne: [pushes her towards the door] Come on!

Grandma: Just what do you think you're doing, young lady?

Suzanne: I'm moving you out to the waiting room.

Grandma: Well, there's no need to shove! I'm going! You know what you need? I good pop on the butt like I used to give your mother! I--

[Suzanne shuts the door on her]

Doris: If I thought I made you feel like that, I'd kill myself.

Suzanne: Don't say that, even in jest, Ma, particularly when you're in a hospital. People might take it the wrong way.

Suzanne: Did you want some more cashews, Grandpa?

Grandpa: Did I already have some?

Grandma: [under her breath, to Aretha] He gets worse every day.

Grandpa: Who gets worse? I heard that! Get off my back, woman! I wanna go home!

Grandma: We're going home, dear.

Grandpa: Not with you! I wanna go home.

[smiles at Aretha]

Grandpa: Are we going soon?

Aretha: Soon, sir. Very, very soon.

Grandpa: You know what my daddy did?

Aretha: What?

Grandpa: [confused] What were we talking about?

Grandma: [under her breath, to Aretha] I told ya.

Grandpa: I heard that! Get out my back, woman! Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap--that's all you do all the livelong day!

[singing]

Grandpa: And the farmer hauled another load away...

[wanders off across the lawn]

Grandma: [sighs] The other night he punched me when I was trying to put some clean pajamas on him.

Grandma: [Unaware that Leslie is fellating Ken because she is blind] Boy, you must really love onions!

Carson Phillips: I wrote you a story, Grandma.

Grandma: Oh, let's see. "Once upon a time there was a boy." Why! It could use a little development, but-but it's a great beginning.

Carson Phillips: [talks emotionally] Sometimes I just don't get it. Life. I mean, why do some of us have to work so hard for things we believe in and others don't? I mean, why do some of us care so much? Why are some of us selfish by nature and some of us are selfish to survive?

Grandma: [knits] Dear, I'm making this for my grandson.

Carson Phillips: [whimpers] What is it?

Grandma: [hesitates] A scarf-blanket.

[is stirred and laughs]

Grandma: He used to be such a happy boy. He used to write me stories. I remember the first story he ever wrote me. "Once upon a time there was a boy," and that became "Once upon a time there was a boy who wanted to fly," and it just got better and better over time. Now, I never did find out whether the boy got to fly.

Grandma: You remind me of my grandson.

Carson Phillips: I do? Why is that?

Grandma: You're sad-looking.

Grandma: Shut up girl. You just think you so smart 'cuz you can read.

Grandma: 90 percent of the equation is just showing up.

Willie: Lady, let me in!

Grandma: You go away! I got a meat cleaver here, and I know how to use it!

Ah Kuo: [after Grandma has tucked him and his brothers in for the night] Grandma?

Grandma: [turns around with a smile] Yes?

Ah Kuo: Wait a minute, can we ask you something?

Fatty: Do you miss Grandpa?

Grandma: [thinks for a moment, then has a small frown on her face] No, I don't miss him.

Fatty: [dismayed] But Grandpa misses you alot.

Hsiao: Yeah. He drinks every night and looks at your photo. He always looks sad and lonely. Poor Grandpa... he really misses you.

[the boys nod their heads in a agreement]

Grandma: [she's moved by this, but still shows no regret] Oh foo! It serves him right, he's stubborn and bad tempered. If he were a bit more tolerant we wouldn't be separated now.

Fatty: Perhaps we can get Grandpa to stay here with us.

Grandma: [shakes head with dismay] He's too set in his ways, nothing will make him budge. If he were just a bit more considerate, I wouldn't have left with your sister Ching-Ching.

Grandma: A coward blames what he does on other folks.

Grandma: [starts pointing at Walt and angrily exclaiming in Hmong]

Walt Kowalski: What's she saying?

Sue Lor: She said welcome to her home!

Walt Kowalski: No, no she's not.

Sue Lor: Yeah, no, she didn't.

Walt Kowalski: She hates me.

Sue Lor: Yeah, she hates you.

Grandma: I sometimes wonder if this is all down to me, making you those costumes for your little plays when you were tiny. You used to adore all that dressing up. Does it still make you feel special, Ralph dear? The uniform... and what it stands for?

Father: Mother. It's a party. Let's not spoil it.

Grandma: Ha! Me? Spoil things?

Father: [whisper] You should be careful. Airing your views so publicly could land you in trouble. You know that.

Grandma: I used to go to ballet.

Billy: See?

Dad: All right for your Nana, for girls. No, not for lads, Billy. Lads do football... or boxing... or wrestling. Not friggin' ballet.

Dad: I'm bustin' my ass for those 50 pences and you're - look, from now on, you stay here and look out for your Nana. Got that? Good.

Grandma: They used to say I could have been a professional dancer if I'd had the trainin'!

Dad: WILL YOU SHUT UP?

Billy: I hate you! You're a bastard!

Elgin: Well, tell her she better stay away from David!

Liyah: I'm gonna see him!

Elgin: Do it and see what I do to him.

Liyah: [walks away, but stops and turns around] Wait. You know what? You win, OK? So I won't see him. You happy?

Elgin: For sure.

Liyah: I hate you!

[storms out of the room]

Grandma: [stands up] Liyah, baby!

[turns to Elgin]

Grandma: Sit your ass down! You leave that girl alone. I'm not telling you you can't protect your sister. But if she's making a mistake, you've got to let her make it so she can learn from it. Do you understand?

[no response]

Grandma: I asked you a question. Elgin Barret Eugene Smith III! Do you hear me?

Elgin: Yes, ma'am.

Grandma: [to Victor] Why you introduce *men* to your sister?

Grandma: Would you mind getting inside the oven to clean it?

Grandma: YAHTZEE!

Grandma: Why are your pants so low?

Tyler: I rap.

Daughter: It's a form of modern poetry... if you give him a topic, he'll extemporaneously rhyme on the subject. His stage nom de plume is "T-Diamond Stylus." Go ahead, Nana, give him anything!

Grandma: Is food okay? I like food.

Daughter: Yeah. Of course!

Grandma: How about... pineapple upside-down cake?

Tyler: Yeah... sure, why not? Okay... mmm-hmm! Okay! Got it. Okay... the girls, they like me, they think I'm sweet like candy! One girl looked at me like I was a Hershey bar! Her name was Angie, and a few tall girls,they just looked at me blankly! So here's the thing you got to understand about me, I got more rhymes than a beehive has bees! So it didn't surprise, confuse or make me say "For heaven's sake", when a Hawaiian girl with a balance disorder said "You remind me of a pineapple upside-down cake"! Ho!

Grandma: I'm gonna get you!

Grandma: ...but it could be the last time anyone shoots your balls off!

Tony: Whoa, whoa, easy Grandma easy. Didn't mean to scare you.

Grandma: Oh really, 'fuckface'? Do I look scared to you?

Tony: Calm down. It's not the 1st time I've had a gun pointed at me.

Grandma: Oh, maybe so, but it could be the last time anyone shoots your balls off! Ha ha, now that's better. Now you 'Bald Ass'!

[points gun at Muscles]

Grandma: and you 'Fat Ass'

[points gun at Pat]

Grandma: and you 'Black Ass'

[points gun at Q]

Grandma: get back in your shit mobile and piss off! Go rob a post office or something!

Pat: We'd love to but we ran out of fuel and we barely made it here.

Grandma: Then go rob a freaking petrol station or something!

Q: I understand how this looks. We're not here to rob anyone. We just saw the car and...

Grandma: Thought you'd get a closer look eh?. I'm not getting any younger, you know. I just might shoot the lot of you anyways!

Q: Whoa, easy, easy, all right? You're not gonna shoot anyone.

Grandma: Oh, really?

Q: Yeah, because if you do, you'll attract every member of the undead within a 10-mile radius and I know you don't want to do that. Look, you even took the wind-chimes from your front door.

Muscles: We understand that we startled you out here all alone.

Cassie: [out of nowhere she appears pointing a gun at Q's head] What makes you think she's all alone?

Grandma: Going somewhere good are we?

Tony: Put the fucking gun down!

Grandma: No, after you.

Tony: Ladies 1st!

Q: Ton, what's going on?

Tony: We're leaving!

Grandma: Not with all our food you're not!

Tony: Don't fucking argue with me! We are heading for the coast. I got the car keys in me pocket.

Q: Ton, this is wrong mate.

Tony: Oh shut up you soppy little cunt! What do you know about right and fucking wrong? Was it 'right' for any of 'this' to happen? Was it ' right' for us to rob a bank? Was it 'right' to steal a van? No! Yes it is a piece of shit fucking van with me mate's blood all over it!

Q: Why don't you lower the gun?

Tony: Shut up! Was it 'right' for fucking Danny to be buried in the mud? No! Was it 'right' for Crazy Steve to be eaten by those fucking things?

Cassie: Tony, look...

Tony: Shut the fuck up you cunt!

[Pat & Muscles enter the room]

Tony: Pat, we leaving mate, Muscles, I got the car keys in me pocket mate!

Pat: What?

Muscles: Tony, no mate...

Grandma: You're not going anywhere!

Tony: Shut up you old cow or I'll shoot you then I'll shoot your fucking granddaughter!

Grandma: You pathetic little man!

Tony: Oh yeah?

[starts to shoot gun but it only clicks]

Cassie: You evil fuck!

Grandma: You thought I would leave a loaded gun in the house with someone like you around?

Grandma: [rushes into a pack of zombies armed with only a Fire Iron] Come on you motherfuckers!

Grandma: Hang on to your happiness with both hands, dear. You can only be young once.

Grandma: Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Grandma: You know about Satan and idle hands, don't you?

Johnny Jones: Oh yes! I've heard about them. Both!

Grandma: After all, time does heal all wounds.

Johnny Jones: Does it?

Grandma: No arguing about it. There's no arguing with any of the old sayings because that's why they are old 'cause they tell the truth, and the truth lasts.

Grandma: Sit down, Miss Jones. There where I can see you.

Johnny Jones: Thank you.

Grandma: Pretty, aren't you?

Johnny Jones: [embarrassed] oh!

Grandma: Never mind me. When you get old, time is too precious to waste. If people are pretty, you tell them so. And you're pretty.

Grandma: Part of living is meeting tragedy and rising above it. A woman doesn't amount to anything unless she can do it. It takes a long while to learn that that's true.

Johnny Jones: Thank you for telling me.

Grandma: [about her blackberry brandy] Blackberries will do a lot for you, if you just squeeze them and then leave them alone.

Charlie Gephardt - Grandma's Hired Hand: Works the same way with the women folks.