Graeme Willy Quotes in Paul (2011)

Graeme Willy: How come I can understand you? Are you using some neural language router?

Paul: Actually I'm speaking English you fucking idiot!

Agent Zoil: Pleasure to meet you boys. You did a hell of a job.

Clive Gollings: Thank you, Agent Zoil.

Agent Zoil: Please call me Lorenzo.

Clive Gollings, Graeme Willy: Lorenzo Zoil?

Graeme Willy: You are an alien!

Paul: To you I am, yes.

Graeme Willy: Are you gonna probe us?

Paul: *Why* does everyone always assume that? What am I doing? Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass?

Clive Gollings: [Putting the phone to his ear] It's ringing.

Paul: [Out of view] I wouldn't do that if I were you

[Clive and Graham turn around]

Paul: Put... the phone... down!

Clive Gollings: [Falling backwards fainting] Ha ha ha ha ha!

Paul: Aw fuck me.

Graeme Willy: [Looks to his right, then down, and then back at the approching alien] What did you do to him?

Paul: I didn't do anything to him - he fainted!

Graeme Willy: But you made him faint!

Paul: It's not like I set my phaser to faint!

Graeme Willy: You've got a phaser?

Graeme Willy: Whats the matter Clive?

Clive Gollings: There is an alien in the kitchen making bagels and coffee.

Graeme Willy: Did you want tea?

Clive Gollings: No, I don't want tea!

Graeme Willy: Right, because tea is weird in America.

Ruth Buggs: Fuck-a-roo, that was the best titty-farting sleep I have ever had.

Paul: I got a feeling that you're new to cursing, Ruth? Look, cursing's fun, you just gotta pick your moments, okay?

Graeme Willy: Hey, maybe we should stop for some food, is anybody hungry?

Paul: Fuck yeeah!

Ruth Buggs: You bet your big fat cock I am!

Paul: Nice!

State Trooper: Where are you boys from?

Clive Gollings: ...England.

State Trooper: I heard about that place: no guns.

Graeme Willy: Not many...

Clive Gollings: No, not really, just... farmers.

State Trooper: Well how are police supposed to shoot anybody?

Graeme Willy: [Uncomfortable] Well they don't...

Clive Gollings: They- they try not to...

[the state trooper stares at them suspiciously]

Gas Station Attendant: [Cash register rings, breaking the suspense] $15.58.

Graeme Willy: Um, twenty, keep the change... give it to charity or something.

[They hastily exit the store]

Clive Gollings: They're going to rape us and break our arms!

Graeme Willy: I don't want my arms broken.

Ruth Buggs: [after 'partaking'] I'm hungry. We should cook up some sausages. Do we have any sausages?

Graeme Willy: Uhh...

Ruth Buggs: What do you mean by that? Why do you guys hate me? Can we cook up some sausages? Ohh I have wasps in my brain!

[Ruth falls over]

Paul: She'll be fine. That happened to me the first time.

Graeme Willy: [Graeme has just been shot in the chest by Ruth's father and collapses on the ground, dying] Oh no! I really liked this T-shirt.

Clive Gollings: What if we wake up and find him inserting a probe into our anus?

Graeme Willy: Well apparently they don't do that.

Paul: [Paul wiggles his finger inside the hole of a bagel] Anyone want one of these? Yeah? Anyone?

Graeme Willy: Paul, what happens if you get caught?

Paul: Graeme, they are going to cut out my brain... Yeah it's fucked... kinda a buzz kill... Let's lighten the mood, shall we? Clive when did you last get laid?

Clive Gollings: Uh. Collectormania London '08... Ewok chick.

Paul: [sings] Clive likes boning space bears!

Haggard: [Looking at Clive's novel] What is this, nerd porn?

Graeme Willy: Oh, no, that's Clive's...

Clive Gollings: It's my novel.

Haggard: [Looking at an alien on the cover] Ha! Three tits!

O'Reilly: That's awesome. You guys should have given her four tits.

Graeme Willy: [Looking disgusted] That's just sick.

O'Reilly: I was just sayin'...

Ruth Buggs: So everything that I have been told my whole life, is just a big fat lie? Do you know how that feels?

Graeme Willy: Look. Just because your truth, isn't the true truth, doesn't mean there is no truth, Ruth.

Ruth Buggs: That's easy for you to say.

Graeme Willy: It's really not.

Adam Shadowchild: Well, a wise man said, "You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream."

Graeme Willy: Who said that?

Adam Shadowchild: I did. I just said that.

Paul: [Lighting a joint and takes a hit] Do you guys partake?

Graeme Willy: No. Thank you.

Ruth Buggs: I'll partake.

Paul: Are you sure? It's pretty strong shit. I get it from the military. I think this is the stuff that killed Dylan.

Graeme Willy: Bob Dylan's not dead.

Paul: [smiles] Isn't he?

The Big Guy: [from the extended version] Shit, I'd shoot you now if I didn't get off on the idea of you being hog-tied and pissed on in Guantanamo Bay.

Graeme Willy: They've shut Guantanamo Bay.

The Big Guy: Did they? Be honest with yourselves.

Ruth Buggs: Sorry you got killed by my dad.

Graeme Willy: It's fine. You want to try that kiss again?

O'Reilly: Why not four tits?

Graeme Willy: That's just sick.

Sword Vendor: That there's the Black Vampire. Watch out! She bites.

Clive Gollings: How much?

Sword Vendor: $1349.99

Graeme Willy: Aren't you going to get it?

Clive Gollings: [Speaking in Klingon] Fuck that.

Graeme Willy: [while under the impression that Clive and he are being chased by rednecks] This is just like Deliverance!

Graeme Willy: What do you think you're gonna dream about?

Clive Gollings: Oh, the open road. High adventure. That kind of thing. You?

Graeme Willy: Wonder woman.

[last lines]

Adam Shadowchild: Please welcome to the stage, Clive Gollings and Graeme Willy. Give it up.

Graeme Willy, Clive Gollings: Three, two, one...

[take stage in front of cheering audience]