Goodbody Quotes in How I Won the War (1967)


Goodbody Quotes:

  • Grapple: Never underrate the wily Pathan. What we're going on to now is the wily Pathan, followed the use of and handling of anti-gas carpet. The Pathan lives in India. India is a hot, strange country. It's full of wily Pathans and they're up to wily things, which is why I always wear spurs, even in cold weather. Now, my advice to you is always to keep your rifle strapped to a suitable portion of your body - your leg is good. Otherwise, you'll find the wily Pathan will strip himself mother-naked, grease himself all over - slippery as an eel - make off with your rifle, which is a crime. Any questions so far, or can we take gas?

    Goodbody: Sir, has the pathan gone over to Hitler, sir?

    Grapple: Grammar school boy?

    Goodbody: Sir.

    Grapple: No, he has not. Too wily for that, the wily Pathan, you'll find.

    Goodbody: Then shall we be fighting him in this war, sir?

    Grapple: Of course we will, boy! The British Army has always fought the wily Pathan. Stripped mother-naked, under the tent brailings like a snake, he is.

    Goodbody: Why?

    Grapple: [increasingly annoyed] Why, what? Why, what? We want to get on to gas. May save your life one day, gas.

    Goodbody: Er, why has the British Army always fought the wily Pathan, sir?

    Grapple: [very incensed] Because he's just like you are, a damn wily troublemaker! What's your name in full? How did you get into an O.C.T.U. without knowing your history?


    Grapple: God help your men. They'll be torn apart by the wily Pathan.

  • Goodbody: [talking aloud to himself] I can't, I fear, I can't march properly on my own, as an officer, in the public eye.

    Juniper: [sitting in back of a truck, smoking, holding a broom] Isn't that sickening when that happens to a chap? Couldn't your drill instructor do something about it? Like a quick jab up the crotch with a broom bass?

    [holds up broom]

  • Grapple: [standing atop a desert fortification] Fourth Muskets, aren't you?

    Goodbody: [on the ground] Sir.

    Grapple: Been expecting you. I'm your link to Army. Blue, white, and two reds.

    Goodbody: I'm green, green, green, sir.

    Grapple: Oh ho ho ho, I know you are.

  • Juniper: [enters scene dressed as a clown, pulling a hobby horse, as if acting a scene] Will you take my horse, sir?

    Transom: [to Goodbody] Take no large notice, sir. He is working what is known as ticket, sir. Keeps the lads amused.

    [Clapper, Drouge, and Spool join Juniper, dressed normally]

    Transom: Pick those bits up, Gripweed!

    [joining the scene]

    Transom: Where's your tin hat gone, Juniper?

    Juniper: Losing by neglect, sir!

    Transom: If I catch you without your tin hat in a battle zone again, I'll ram it down your throat!

    Clapper: Losing by neglect, one mess tin.

    Juniper: One mess tin!

    Transom: Did you have your name on it?

    [aside, to Goodbody]

    Transom: Take no notice, sir.

    Juniper: Scratched on!

    Goodbody: Pull these...

    Clapper: Scratched on?

    Goodbody: together!

    Juniper: Scored it!

    Transom: How dare you disfigure government property? Six days royal warrant. March him off, Musket Major. Two men!

    [exeunt Juniper, Clapper, Drogue, and Spool]

    Transom: [to Goodbody] Ought to camouflage up, sir, or go - or go get the scrim up, sir, if you're stopping. Us in our, uh, vests here, sir. Exposed to all manner of nasty -

    Goodbody: [interrupting, angry but calm] I'm going to explode, but I won't. I think the roller, don't you?

    [walks to background]

  • Juniper: [re-enters scene still dressed as a clown, Drogue, Spool, Gripweed, and Clapper in tow] Bayonet!

    Transom: Bayonet?

    Spool: Where's your bayonet?

    Juniper: Must have left it sticking in the enemy, sir!

    Spool: Spur!

    Juniper: Where?

    Transom: Where's your spur?

    Juniper: Must have left it sticking in the horse, sir!

    Goodbody: [calls out] Two men!

    [exeunt players]

    Goodbody: [walks back to Transom and ex-Dooley, points his finger at ex-Dooley, shouting] There! On the end of my finger!

    Gripweed: [re-enter players] Finger!

    Juniper: Finger?

    Gripweed: Musketeer Juniper, where's your finger?

    Juniper: Must have left it sticking up the Khyber Pass, sir!

    Transom: Self-inflicted injury! March him off, Musket Major! Two - wait for it!

    [pause, players posed as if frozen while running]

    Transom: Two men!

    [exeunt players]

Browse more character quotes from How I Won the War (1967)


Characters on How I Won the War (1967)