Godber Quotes in Doing Time (1979)

[it's after lights out and lock up. There is the distant sound of a fellow inmate groaning mid-nightmare]

Godber: You awake, Fletch?

Fletcher: No.

Godber: It's that bloke, Atkinson.

Fletcher: I know.

Godber: Keeps getting these terrible nightmares.

Fletcher: Yeah.

Godber: He's told the shrink about 'em, but all he's given 'im is aspirin. You have to feel compassion, don't you? A human soul in such torment.

Fletcher: Hmm.

[Atkinson bellows something in the distance]

Fletcher: [shouts] Belt up, Atkinson, you noisy scrote.

Godber: Hey, why don't we nick a chicken?

Fletcher: Don't be silly, it's Wednesday afternoon. Where we going to get sage and onion stuffing, eh?

[discussing a new arrival]

Godber: He's been sitting in his cell since chow, just staring at the wall.

Fletcher: Ah well, he's just had his first experience of your cottage pie. Best not to move about too much after that.

[In the prison kitchen, Godber is testing the soup]

Godber: It lacks something, Lotterby. With this soup Elizabeth Davies recommends coriander, bay leaves and a dash of pepper.

[Lotterby takes a huge pot of pepper and empties it into the pan]

Godber: I said a dash, Lotterby.

[At lunch, Godber and Lotterby are serving cottage pie and baked beans]

Fletcher: Hello, Len.

Godber: All right, Fletch?

Fletcher: Listen, it's the laddo's first day in 'ere. Do 'im a favour, will you? Give 'im a small portion.

Fletcher: 'Ere, you owe me some darning wool.

Godber: I already gave you some.

Fletcher: That was in exchange for the orange.

Godber: Tangerine. Anyway, that was to pay me for the stamp.

Fletcher: What stamp?

Godber: For your pools.

Fletcher: I paid you for the stamp with a squirt of me toothpaste.

Godber: No, that was for the darning wool.

[Fletcher and Godber have found their way back to the coach they were kidnapped in. It's surrounded by police]

Godber: What is it?

Fletcher: Cops.

Godber: Copse? What, you mean like a wooded glade?

Fletcher: Yeah. A wooded glade crawlin' with bleedin' cops.

Godber: I've had it with you.

Fletcher: You what?

Godber: You've really got up my goat these past two weeks.

Fletcher: Wrong Godber. I *get* your goat. I don't get up your goat. I get up your nose or on your wick.

Godber: Well just lately you've done all three.

Mackay: What's on the menu today Godber?

Godber: Creme Dubarry, followed by curry sir.

Mackay: Curried what?

Godber: Meat sir.

Mackay: What meat?

Godber: I dunno. It just says 'tinned meat'. On the tin like.

Fletcher: [rings Mr Beal's stolen bicycle bell]

Godber: So that's what you've got is it?

Fletcher: Yeah, hardly ever been used.

Godber: What are you gonna use it for?

Fletcher: I dunno.

Godber: Well why'd you nick it?

Fletcher: He'd got one and I 'adn't.

Godber: I can't understand why Mackay hasn't come down on us like a pile of bricks.

Fletcher: 'Cause he lost something in the kitchen today, that's why.

Godber: What? Pride, you mean?

Fletcher: Nah, something else. Shift.

Godber: Why?

Fletcher: It's hidden in your mattress.

Godber: Oh, I see, so if we get a search I'm the one who gets the blame.

Fletcher: Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes.

Godber: You think of everything, you do.

Fletcher: I try.

[Bunny has finally found someone to read his wife's letter]

Godber: ...oh well, that's all I have time for. There's the ironing to be done before Starsky and Hutch. Needless to say, I love you and miss your loving... arms, I think it says.

Bunny Warren: Yeah, would be arms yeah.

Godber: Then it's lots of hugs and kisses. Nice letter.

Bunny Warren: So there's nothing in here about a welder or a canary?

Godber: No. I would have noticed.

[breaking back into prison]

Godber: This is just like the wooden horse.

Fletcher: What wooden 'orse?

Godber: The Greeks and the Trojans. That's how the Greeks got into Troy.

Fletcher: Would you mind savin' the 'istory lesson til we get back into our flowery dell?

Fletcher: A captain, Godber, has to possess certain attributes which set him apart from the rest of his team, that is why I've chosen Light Fingered Larry.

Godber: Urquart? What attributes has he got?

Fletcher: 'Alf an ounce of snout which he's now given to me, all right?

Banyard: What sort of pie is this?

Godber: Fruit pie.

Banyard: Yes, I realised that. I merely wondered what sort of fruit.

Godber: I dunno, it just comes out of a tin marked "Fruit Pie Filling".

Banyard: So, we have no clue to its origins?

Lotterby: [after sticking his finger in Banyard's dessert bowl and tasting the fruit] No, it's not oranges. It's more like, er... plum or damson.

Fletcher: What's the matter with you?

Godber: We're still banged up in this cell aren't we, while Oakes is Hardy Kruger.

Fletcher: Hardy Kruger?

Godber: "The One that got away". A film starring Hardy Kruger.

Fletcher: Don't worry. Before too long he'll be Googie Withers again.

Godber: Googie Withers?

Fletcher: "Within these walls".

Godber: Darn your own naffing socks.

Fletcher: We got plenty of strength at the back, one thing we're not short of is stoppers. What we need now is a bit of creative mid-field flair.

Godber: From what I saw of him Rudge could provide that. Revelation he was.

Fletcher: Yeah. Reckons he had a trial for Brentford before he had a trial for shoplifting.

Godber: [discussing Rudge the new arrival] He's only a kid.

Fletcher: Oh listen to 'er.

Godber: No, I just remember the first night I come in here. How I felt when that door banged shut. Hey, you should go and have a word with him.

Fletcher: Why?

Godber: You're good at that sort of thing. You perked me up when I first arrived.

Fletcher: Listen, I broke you in Godber because you was forced upon *my* cell and it was in *my* interests not to 'ave a manic depressive in the bottom bunk.

Godber: Fletch, leave the bell alone.

Mackay: [During the football game Godber jumps up to head the ball, instead he misses, falls backwards and bangs his head on the goalpost causing him to fall over]

[MacKay holds up one finger]

Mackay: How many fingers am I holding up?

Godber: You can't fool me sir, five.