"God" Quotes in Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)

Kirk: What does God need with a starship?

McCoy: Jim, what are you doing?

Kirk: I'm asking a question.

"God": Who is this creature?

Kirk: Who am I? Don't you know? Aren't you God?

Sybok: He has his doubts.

"God": You doubt me?

Kirk: I seek proof.

McCoy: Jim! You don't ask the Almighty for his ID!

"God": Then here is the proof you seek.

[Shoots Kirk with lightning]

Kirk: Why is God angry?

Sybok: Why? Why have you done this to my friend?

"God": He doubts me.

Spock: You have not answered his question. What does God need with a starship?

"God": [shoots Spock with lightning; then addresses McCoy] Do you doubt me?

McCoy: I doubt any God who inflicts pain for his own pleasure.

Sybok: I couldn't help but notice your pain!

"God": My pain?

Sybok: It runs deep, share it with me!

"God": [appearing as Sybok, laughing] What's the matter? Don't you like this face? I have so many, but this one suits you best.

Sybok: No...! It's not possible...

Toxie: God?

God: Yeah, what do you want?

Toxie: I just want to go home

God: You bastard, this is the best place all around, why do you want to go home?

God: And tell the Pope to stop talking about me, he dosen't know me and tell him that his hat looks fucking stupid.

The Devil: No one takes priority over me.

God: Ooohhh nooooo? AHEM... AHEM...

The Devil: Well... maybe one.

God: Jesus...

Jesus Christ: Is that you, bowl of cherries?

God: Do bowls of cherries talk, Jesus?

Jesus Christ: I don't know. I've seen a lot of strange things over the years.

God: You need help, Jesus, and I will not forsake it.

Jesus Christ: Ohh, it's you Dad. So what's your advice?

Sir Galahad: Zoot!

Dingo: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.

[He tried to get past her]

Dingo: Where are you going?

Sir Galahad: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!

Dingo: Oh, no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!

Sir Galahad: What is it?

Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is Grail shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.

Sir Galahad: It's not the real Grail?

Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a bad person, and she must pay the penalty!

[Turns to camera]

Dingo: Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now we're glad! It's better than some of the previous scenes I think.

Left Head: At least ours was better visually.

Dennis: At least ours was committed, it wasn't just a string of pussy jokes.

Bridgekeeper: Get on with it.

Tim: Yes! Get on with it!

Army: Yeah! Get on with it!

Dingo: Oh, I am enjoying this scene!

God: Get on with it!

God: Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.

King Arthur: Good idea, O Lord!

God: 'Course it's a good idea!

God: Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy"...

God: If it's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.

God: What are you doing now?

King Arthur: Averting our eyes, oh Lord.

God: Well, don't. It's just like those miserable psalms, they're so depressing. Now knock it off!

Bethany Sloane: Why are we here?

God: [pokes Bethany's nose] Nweep.

God: [whispering] Moses...

Moses: Here I am.

God: Take the sandals from your feet, for the place on which you stand is holy ground.

Moses: Who are you?

God: I am that I am.

Moses: I don't understand.

God: I am the God of your ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

Miriam: [disembodied] You were born of my mother, Yocheved! You are our brother!

[Moses quickly removes his sandals and throws them behind him]

Moses: What do you want with me?

God: I have seen the oppression of my people in Egypt, and have heard their cry.

[sound of screams and cracking whips]

God: So I shall stretch forth my hand, and lead them out of Egypt, into a good land. A land flowing with milk and honey. And so, unto Pharaoh, I shall send... you.

Moses: Me? W-who am I to lead these people? They won't follow me, they won't even listen!

God: I shall teach you what to say.

Moses: [disembodied] Let my people go!

Moses: But I was their enemy. I was the prince of Egypt, the son of the man who slaughtered... their *children*! You've chosen the wrong messenger! H-how can I even speak to these people?

God: WHO MADE MAN'S MOUTH? WHO MADE THE DEAF, THE MUTE, THE SEEING OR THE BLIND? DID NOT I? NOW GO!

[Moses falls to the ground, cowering]

God: [soothing, lifting Moses up] Oh, Moses, I shall be with you when you go to the king of Egypt. But Pharaoh will not listen. So I will stretch forth my hand and smite Egypt with all my wonders! Take the staff in your hand, Moses. With it, *you* shall do *my* wonders.

[whispers]

God: I will be with you, Moses.

God: Go, and do what you have to do.

Marx: Remember, the struggle goes on! Eh?

God: Yeah, yeah. The struggle goes on.

God: Hey, Warren! This is the voice of God!

Warren: What's up?

God: It's a pity you didn't sign the Smiths, but you were right about Mick Hucknell. His music's rubbish, and he's a ginger.

God: Tony, you did a good job. Basically you are right: Shaun is the greatest poet since Yeats.

God: Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says "no" to drugs and "yes" to an education, that's a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. But what they don't realize is *they* have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.

God: Grace. You want her back?

Bruce: No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.

God: Now THAT'S a prayer.

God: No matter how filthy something gets, you can always clean it right up.

God: [reading from a manuscript of what Bruce said the previous evening] "The gloves are off, God.", "God has taken my bird and my bush.", "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.", "Smite me, O Mighty Smiter." Now, I'm not big on blasphemy, but that last one made me laugh.

Bruce: Who are you?

God: I'm the one. The Divine Being. Alpha and Omega.

Bruce: Oh, I see where this is going.

God: Bruce... I'm God.

Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says... God! Bing bing bing bing bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK!

Bruce: Lord, feed the hungry, and bring peace to all of mankind. How's that?

God: Great... If you wanna be Miss America.

God: Bruce, you have a divine spark. You have a gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know, I created you.

Bruce: Quit bragging.

God: Triumph is born out of struggle, faith is the alchemist. If you want pictures like these, you'll need to use some dark colors.

Bruce: How do you make so many people love you without affecting Free Will?

God: [snorts] Heh, welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know.

God: Allllllrighty then.

[referring to the seven fingers on Bruce's right hand]

God: I did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks.

God: [walking across the lake with Bruce] There are only 2 rules. You can't tell anybody you're God, believe me you don't want that kind of attention, and you can't mess with free will.

Bruce: Can I ask why?

God: Yes, you can! That's the beauty of it!

Bruce: There were so many. I just gave them all what they want.

God: Yeah. But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?

Bruce: Where are you going?

God: I'm taking a vacation.

Bruce: God doesn't take vacations. Does he?... Do... ye?

God: Did you ever hear of the dark ages? Besides, I'm covered. You can clear everything up in five minutes, if you want to. Right?

Bruce: [being overwhelmed with hearing prayers] Give me a break!

[Bruce is instantly transported to meet with God]

God: Really something, isn't it?

Bruce: Is this heaven?

God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.

[pause]

Bruce: I'm *dead*?

God: Naw, I'm just messing with ya.

Bruce: That's not funny, Man! That is *not* funny.

God: You can't kneel down in the middle of a highway and live to talk about it, son.

Bruce: So you're the janitor, electrician, the boss. Must be one hell of a Christmas party... don't get drunk though, one of you may need a ride home

[laughing]

God: [laughing] You've always had a sense of humor, Bruce, just like your father.

Bruce: What if I need you? What if I have questions?

God: That's your problem, Bruce. That's everybody's problem. You keep looking up.

God: [Approaching Bruce] You've been doing a lot of complaining about me, Bruce. Quite frankly, I'm tired of it.

Bruce: Wait, really. I'm warning you. When I'm backed into a corner, I'm like a wild animal!

God: You haven't won a fight since the fifth grade and that was against a girl.

Bruce: Yeah, but she was *huge*.

God: And the sun was in your eyes.

God: What is that Nicholas Cage doing in my movie?

God: Shit happens, Gary. Crying about it don't do any good. But this, Gary... this is your sword that I give onto thee, and as long as you behold it, you need never fear any man. You are special. I choose you to wield this sword, and as long as it's in your possession, you need never know fear again!

God: Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

God: How do we change the world?

Evan Baxter: One single act of random kindness at a time.

God: [spoken while writing A-R-K on ground with a stick] One Act, of, Random, Kindness.

Congressmen: [reciting the Pledge] I pledge allegiance to the flag, of the United States of America, and to the Republic, for which it stands-

[God suddenly appears right next to Evan]

God: One Nation, under Me, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

[looks at Evan]

God: How long you wanna do this son? I've got all eternity.

[Evan faints on spot]

[Evan is driving to work]

Evan Baxter: I am successful, I am powerful, I am handsome, and I am happy. Sucessful, powerful, handsome-

[Looks into rearview, and sees God in the back seat, having just appeared out of nowhere]

Evan Baxter: AAGGGHHHHH! AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

God: [smiling] Let it out, son. It's the beginning of wisdom.

Evan Baxter: How did you get in here? D'ah! I'm calling the cops.

God: No wait. Look-look-look. There's one right there.

[Points to a motorcycle cop on the shoulder. Evan rolls down his window]

Evan Baxter: Officer! Officer! Carjacker, carjacker in the car! Carjacker in the car!

[the officer turns his head, revealing that he is God]

Officer "God": Careful pulling out. Pedestrian in the crosswalk.

[Evan turns around. God has vanished from there. He looks and sees God crossing the street, and in the car behind him, honking for him to move]

God: I now issue a new commandment: Thou shalt do the dance.

Evan Baxter: Do I know you?

God: Not as much as I'd like.

God: [on a piece of paper] Ask, and you receive.

Marley Corbett: Oh my God... wait a minute. Oh my God, I mean... are you God?

God: Not really, this is just the way you wanted to see me.

Marley Corbett: Well, I love, I love Whoopi. So that's, that's probably why.

God: Yeah, me too.

Lambeau "Coach" Fields: Yeah, this is great. Middle of Podunk, nowhere. How am I gonna find an All-American quarterback?

God: If you build it, he will come. If you build it, he will come...

Lambeau "Coach" Fields: Who will come?

God: Your father. Your dead father.

Lambeau "Coach" Fields: My father's not dead. I just spoke with him this morning.

God: You got to be shittin' me. Is this 314 Bentley road?

Lambeau "Coach" Fields: No this is 314 Bentley drive.

God: That damn Google Maps. Anyway, the quarterback you're looking for is on the baseball field.

The Devil: Excuse me.

God, God: Yes.

The Devil: I wish to lodge a complaint.

God, God: What is it this time?

The Devil: I have as much right to Steve Brooks' soul as you do.

God: That's why I sent him back. If he can't find one female who likes him, then his soul is yours.

The Devil: Well, that's not a fair test. He'll pick some helpless, unsuspecting female, pretend to be everything he's not. In the end, she'll adore him. And you'll be honor abound to admit an unregenerate debaucher into Heaven.

God: What do you suggest?

The Devil: Teach him a lesson. And at the same time, make it impossible for him to work his macho machinations onto any more unsuspecting female.

God, God: And how do I do that?

The Devil: Easy. Make him a woman.

[last lines]

God, God: Have you made up your mind?

Amanda Brooks: Look, I don't want to be a problem, but it's not an easy decision. I really liked being a man.

God: Naturally.

Amanda Brooks: But being a woman had its advantages.

God: Definitely.

Amanda Brooks: Can I think about just a little longer?

God, God: Take your time. You have all eternity.

Steve Brooks: Where am I?

God: Purgatory.

Steve Brooks: Where's that?

God: Between Heaven and Hell.

Steve Brooks: What happens now?

God: Well, on one hand, you've earned enough credits to get you into Heaven.

Steve Brooks: Oh, thank God.

God, God: You're welcome.

God: On the other hand, you've been consistently rotten to women, you deserve to go straight to Hell.

Steve Brooks: That's pretty rotten.

God: Perfect record. They all hate you.

Steve Brooks: All of them?

God, God: As far as I know.

Steve Brooks: Ugh, you should know, but it's kinda hard for me to believe that there aren't at least a couple of woman...

God: Right now, I'll settle for one. So I've decided that you should go back and try to find one female who truly likes Steve Brooks.

God: If you find her, you go to Heaven. If you don't, you will spend eternity in Hell.

Steve Brooks: Back?

God, God: Unless you have a better suggestion.

Steve Brooks: No, no. Back's fine. Back's terrific.

Amanda Brooks: Wow, what a beautiful baby.

God, God: Yes. You did well.

Amanda Brooks: Wish I could be there and watch her grow up.

God: Oh, you can watch her grow up. But in the meantime you have to decide whether you want to be male...

God: ...or a female angel.

Amanda Brooks: Oh, hey, now, that's a tough one. Okay if I think about it for a while?

God: You fucked this one up, ya daft cunt.

Boab: Eh? What?

God: You. Bob Coyle. No house, no job, no bird, no mates, police record, sore ribs - all in the space of a few hours. Nice one.

Boab: How the fuck do you know my business, eh? What the fuck's it got to do with you, eh?

God: It's my fuckin' business to know. I'm God.

Boab: Away to fuck, ya old radge.

God: Fuckin' hell... another wise cunt.

God: "Did Man fall from grace in the Garden of Eden?" I'll tell you something never came out. I made Adam 17. Eve was 15, 16 tops. I figured then 16, 17 was middle age, you know. Who knew people would live so long? Trees I figured had the best chance. Now I realize that they were kids, babies. Young people can't fall from my grace. They're my best things.

Court Clerk: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

God: So help me, me.

Judge Baker: So help you, you?

God: If it pleases the court, and even if it doesn't please the court, I'm God, Your Honor.

God: I know how hard it is in these times to have faith. But maybe if you could have the faith to start with, maybe the times would change. You could change them. Think about it. Try. And try not to hurt each other. There's been enough of that. It really gets in the way. I'm a God of very few words and Jerry's already given you mine. However hopeless, helpless, mixed up and scary it all gets, it can work. If you find it hard to believe in me, maybe it would help you to know that I believe in you.

Jerry Landers: Why me?

God: Why not you?

Jerry Landers: You mean there's no special...

God: Life is a crap shoot, like the millionth customer that crosses the bridge gets to shake hands with the governor. You thought I picked you because you're better than everyone?

Jerry Landers: I'm not?

God: You're better than some but not as good as others, but you crossed the bridge at the right time.

Jerry Landers: How can you permit all the *suffering* that goes on the world?

God: Ah, how can *I* permit the suffering?

Jerry Landers: Yeah!

God: I don't permit the suffering. You do! Free will. All the choices are yours.

Jerry Landers: Choices? What choices?

God: You can love each other, cherish and nurture each other or you can kill each other. Incidentally, "kill" is the word. It's not "waste." If I meant "waste" I would have written "thou shalt not waste." You're doing some very funny things with words, here. You're also turning the sky into mud. I look down, I can't believe the filth. Using the rivers for toilets, poisoning my fishes. You want a miracle? *You* make a fish from scratch. You can't. You think only God can make a tree? Try coming up with a mackerel. And when the last one is gone, that'll be that. Eighty-six on the fishes, goodbye sky, so long world, over and out.

God: The last miracle I did was the 1969 Mets. Before that, I think you have to go back to the Red Sea.

[last lines]

Jerry Landers: Uh, sometimes, uh, now and then, couldn't we just talk?

God: I'll tell you what. You talk, I'll listen.

Jerry Landers: I don't even go to any church!

God: Neither do I.

God: Why is it so hard for you to believe? Is my physical existence any more improbable than your own? What about all that hoo-ha with the devil awhile ago from that movie? Nobody had any problem believing that the devil took over and existed in a little girl. All she had to do was wet the rug, throw up some pea soup and everybody believed. The devil you could believe, but not God? I work in my own way. I don't, I don't get inside little children; they got enough to do just being themselves. Also I'm not about to go around to every person in the world and say, 'Look it's me, I wanna talk to you.' So I picked one man. One very good man. I told him God lives. I live. He had trouble believing too, in the beginning. I understood. I'm not sure how this whole miracle business started, the idea that anything connected with me has to be a miracle. Personally I'm sorry that it did. Makes the distance between us even greater. But if a miracle helps you believe that I am who I say I am... I'll give you one. A good one. Let me see? What's my most impressive miracle? Ah-ha! Pick a card!

Judge Baker: What?

God: Pick a card, any card.

God: Jerry.

Jerry Landers: Yes, God?

God: You have the strength that comes from knowing.

God: [Reading questionnaire] Which of the world's religions is closest to the divine truth?

[to Jerry]

God: The divine truth is not in a building or a book or a story. Put down the heart is the temple where all truth resides.

God: The reason I put everyone here naked... I wasn't trying to be cute. It's just that with clothes there's right away pockets, and pockets, you gotta put something in 'em.

Jerry Landers: People are always praying to You. Do You listen?

God: I can't help hearing. I don't always listen.

Jerry Landers: So then You don't care.

God: Of course I care! But what can I do?

Jerry Landers: What can You do? You're God!

God: Only for the big picture. I don't get into details.

Jerry Landers: Whatever happens to us...

God: Happens!

God: Sometimes when you don't feel normal, doing a normal thing makes you feel normal. Here... start shaving.

Jerry Landers: You know, I'm, I'm liable to lose my job.

God: Lose a job, save a world. Not a bad deal.

Jerry Landers: [God is riding with Jerry in Jerry's car] Now, see, you know a lot of things and you've been making a lot of things happen, but none of it seems...

God: God-like?

Jerry Landers: Yeah, God-like.

God: And what to you would be God-like?

Jerry Landers: Uh... Change the weather.

God: Ah, special effects, huh? What would you like? A little earthquake? A small hurricane?

Jerry Landers: No, no. I wouldn't want anybody hurt. I was just thinking maybe, uh... What about a little rain?

God: A little rain?

Jerry Landers: Yeah, a small shower.

God: One small shower. You got it.

[Rain begins falling]

Jerry Landers: Hey. Hey, it's rainin'! You made it rain! You didn't even bat an eye! You didn't have to lift a finger!

God: Rain's not that hard.

Jerry Landers: It's unbelievable!

God: Would you like it to rain a little harder?

Jerry Landers: No, no. This is fine.

God: How about bigger drops?

Jerry Landers: No! This is fine! Fine!

God: Would you care for a little snow?

Jerry Landers: I don't believe it. Hey! Hey! It's not raining outside. It's just in here!

God: Why should I spoil everybody's day?

Jerry Landers: This is fantastic!

God: Thank you.

Jerry Landers: It's just like Noah's Ark!

God: Same thing. Without the smell.

Jerry Landers: But when you said... when you said everything would work out, uh, I thought you could tell the future.

God: Absolutely, I could tell the future, the minute it becomes the past. I said, everything could work out, if that's everybody's choice. People have to decide on their own what's to be done with the world. I can't make a personal decision for everybody.

God: [Jerry looks a little downcast] Why the face? So far, so good. We hit the papers, a little TV, we're in business.

Jerry Landers: You know, I'm liable to lose my job.

God: Lose a job, save a world. Not a bad deal.

God: Jerry? Do you want me to talk louder?

Jerry Landers: Oh, God!

God: I thought you didn't believe in me?

Jerry Landers: That's just an expression.

God: I'm more than that.

God: I'm tired of all the talk that I may be dead or that I never was at all. Or, that God was just particles of cosmos, gas. I'm not gas. I found that very insulting.

Jerry Landers: You're here? In my bathroom?

God: Come take a look.

Jerry Landers: I can't. I'm naked.

God: You think I don't know what you got?

God: That was another little goof of mine. Shame. I don't know why I thought we needed shame.

God: Not what you expected, huh? I picked a look that you could understand. With someone else, I would look different. I could do any face, voice, whatever. I could, I could even be a woman.

God: There's no plan? No scheme - to guide our destinies? A lot of it is luck.

God: A lot of it is luck.

Jerry Landers: Luck! Just luck?

Jerry Landers: You don't control our lives?

God: I gave you a world and everything in it. Its all up to you.

Jerry Landers: You don't care!

God: I do care.

Jerry Landers: But, then, do something about it!

God: I did. I got you to carry the ball.

Jerry Landers: [looks down] I got no ball!

Jerry Landers: Is it going to get any worse?

God: How should you know?

Jerry Landers: What do you mean, how should you know?

God: How could I know?

Jerry Landers: Why, you know everything!

God: I only know what is. Also, I'm very big on what was. Now, what isn't yet? I haven't got a clue.

God: You know, Voltaire may have had me pegged right. He said I was a comedian playing to an audience who was afraid to laugh.

God: Eleven dollars for a steak? Who would have thought? With me, cows were and afterthought - just to give new mothers a little rest, you know.

God: [reading religious quiz] "Is Jesus Christ the Son of God?"

[thinks]

God: Jesus was my son. Buddha was my son. Mohammed. Moses. You. The man who said there was no room in the inn, was my Son. And so is the one who charges eleven dollars for a steak.

God: What was that last question?

Jerry Landers: Ah? "Will there - "

God: "Will there be a Judgement Day for Man?" Well, if they mean a doomsday, an end of the world thing, I'm certainly not going to get into that! But, if you want my personal opinion, I wouldn't look forward to it. They'll be a lot of yelling and screaming and I don't need that anymore than you do.

God: Man and women, persons, their existence means exactly and precisely, not more, not one tiny bit less, just what they think it means and what I think, doesn't count at all.

Jerry Landers: That's very profound.

God: Sometimes I get lucky.

God: Last question...

Jerry Landers: Thank God!

God: You're welcome.

God: I want to say to everyone that everything around them, that they can see and smell and feel and hear, they should delight in all this. That, what is here, is some of my very best ideas. And I want everyone to try very hard to make sure it doesn't all go down the drain.

God: You take these answers and give them to Reverend Big Mouth and you say that God says he's a phony. And also tell him, if he wants to get rich, fine, tell him to sell earth shoes. But, personally, tell him, I'd like him to shut up.

Jerry Landers: Everybody thinks I'm a nut.

God: Galileo. Pasteur. Einstein. Columbus. You're in good company. Hold on.

God: Well, I better be going.

Jerry Landers: Aren't you coming back?

God: No.

Jerry Landers: Ever?

God: Whatever comes. We'll see.

God: [recounting some of His creations to Jerry] Tobacco was one of my big mistakes. Ostriches were a mistake. Silly looking things. Avocados... Made the pit too big.

Terry Dean: I'm dead aren't I? Where the hell am I? You God?

God: You're not a religious man are you, Mr Dean?

Terry Dean: No but, I did plan to get very religious just before I died. You know, just in case

God: Yes

Terry Dean: Left it a bit late, didn't I?

God: Hmmm. Let me put it in language you'll understand. You're on probation, Mr Dean. Think of me as your probation officer

Terry Dean: Probation officer? Sure

God: I've been through your sheet, Mr Dean. You have a criminal record that started when you were none years old

Terry Dean: Yeah, well... I don't suppose I can lie to you, Sir

God: You can try. You're almost a mystery. In your entire life you did nothing but take. Yet at the end you gave the noblest gift; you gave your life for another being

Terry Dean: Well it seemed like the right thing to do at the time

God: Rubbish! It was instinct. If you'd had time to think you wouldn't have done it. Nevertheless, your instinct has earned you another chance. Probation, Mr Dean

Terry Dean: How does that work?

God: You will go back and dedicate yourself to helping others. Giving not taking. You will become an Angel of Mercy

Terry Dean: An angel? Me?

God: Probationary. Strictly on a trial basis. You will not speak of this incident to anyone.

Terry Dean: Your honour, does this happen all the time when people get sent back to help out?

God: From time to time, worthy people are chosen to be Angels of Mercy. But these are difficult times, Mr Dean. In this century you're the first scumbag we've sent back

Terry Dean: Scumbag? That's a bit much, isn't it? Scumbag?

God: Garbaldo, I told you to keep this ship steady.

The Skipper: It is steady, sir.

God: Are you contradicting me?

The Skipper: Sorry sir, you're right, there's a strong wind coming from the... northeast.

God: I don't care where it's from, stop it!

Geronimo: Speak softly.

Stash: Xerox me, man. I don't wanna be misquoted.

Geronimo: Peace! You were saying?

Stash: Dig the, uh, Spirit of St. Louis, man. Yeah, like, uh, Greeley says, what's seven or eight Dukes of Windsor when it's uh Mona Lisa time, huh? Yeah, take a bow and arrow, and we're not getting any younger, right? So come in X-17. Over.

Geronimo: Son of Norway, you're loud and clear. Cool as everything.

Stash: Over and out.

God: What'd he say?

Stash: Oh, he says he'll have to get back to me.

Geronimo: Spirit of St. Louis. Lindbergh.

Hippie Guy 1: Kidnapped.

Geronimo: Who?

Hippie Guy 2: Mona Lisa?

Geronimo: Yours.

Flo Banks: Darlene. They've got Darlene!

Hippie Guy 1: Calm.

Geronimo: Bow and arrow. They're armed. But where?

Hippie Guy 1: Horace Greeley said, "Go west, young man."

Geronimo: He did, and how far west? Windsor...

Hippie Gal: Knots!

Geronimo: Water, children, water! Seven to eight knots west of... What? That's the hole. X-17. Think. X-17.

Hippie Guy 1: X could mean "used to be".

Flo Banks: Seventeen! The old pier. Pier 17!

God: [smoking marijuana] Mmm, pumpkin!

God: Why don't I go out, you ask? There are nine guys on my crew. You know what the odds are on one of them trying to bump me off?

Darlene Banks: Yeah, nine to one.

God: And you think those are good odds, ay?

God: [unbuttons her jacket] Right now, I'd rather be doing what he's doing than what I'm doing.

God: Password?

God's Mistress: It's me! I forgot it.

God: My book? Who said it was my book? What do you think I faxed it down here? It was written by man. It was interpreted by man. It was abused by man.

God: You're impossible.

The Devil: [straight to camera] Believe me... I'm possible.

God: You made a deal with the Devil. How dumb could you be?

Bobby Shelton: I didn't know it was the Devil.

God: You're not talking to your sixth-grade teacher, you know.

The Devil: You beat me. You bluffed with a busted flush? How? How did you beat me?

God: I put the fear of me in you.

God: [answering Tracy's question about why there is so much suffering in the world] I know this sounds like a cop-out, Tracy, but there's nothing I can do about pain and suffering. It's built into the system.

Tracy Richards: Which You invented.

God: Right. But my problem was I could never figure out how to build anything with just one side to it.

Tracy Richards: One side?

God: You ever see a front without a back?

Tracy Richards: No.

God: A top without a bottom?

Tracy Richards: No.

God: An up without a down?

Tracy Richards: No.

God: OK. Then there can't be good without bad, life without death, pleasure without pain. That's the way it is. If I take sad away, happy has to go with it.

Tracy Richards: How old are you?

God: Who knows? After the first two million years, I stopped counting.

God: Stinking motherfucking bitch.

Jeff Cole: What's up with the little man?

God: Smells like he messed up his diaper. You'll be alright boo-boo.

God: Latique, hold the fucking bag!

Latique: I'm holding it.

God: If you let this bag go one more time, Imma break your jaw! Hold the bag.

Latique: OK, I hear you.

God: Love it! Love it!

God: What hast thou done?

Eve: The serpent beguiled me and I did eat.

God: [to Adam and Eve] Dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

God: [to the Serpent] Because thou hast done this, cursed art thou above all cattle, and above all the beasts of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life.

God: I will make a man more precious than fine gold; even a man than the golden wedge of Ophir.

[last lines]

God: [to Abraham] Behold, I have tried thee like metal in a furnace. I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction. Now will I multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven and as the sand which is by the seashore innumerable.

God: Adam, where art thou?

Adam: I was afraid because I was naked.

God: Who told thee that thou wast naked?

God: But if he turn away and forsake my statutes, then I will pluck them up by the roots out of my land which I have given, and this house which is high shall be an astonishment to everyone who crosseth it, so that he shall say, "Why has the Lord done naught onto this land and onto this house?" And it shall be answered, "Because they forsook the Lord God of their fathers, which brought them forth out of Egypt, and raised them on hallowed grounds, and worshiped them, and served them - therefore has he brought all this evil upon them."

Chief Angel: You told Getta not to use her magical powers in front of anyone, right?

God: Yes.

Chief Angel: Well, your precious angel is cycling down a rainbow in broad daylight.

[God grants a wish to a good man as he only wishes, at that moment, to catch a bus]

Chief Angel: Poor chaps always ask at the wrong time.

God: Or maybe I listen at the wrong time, hmm?

God: I don't want to be worshipped. I never DID. I just don't want to be pissed off. I don't think that's a lot to ask.

God: People die to become angels.