Gil Hicks Quotes in Mallrats (1995)

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Gil Hicks Quotes:

  • Brandi: Suitor number 3, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake or a jackhammer?

    Gil Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer, I'm in there with some pressure and when I'm done, you're not the same as before. You're changed.

    Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit? That's the cheesiest response to an honest question I have ever heard. I saw you kiss and it wasn't anything like that.

    Bob Summers: [Chuckling] Suitor #2, you'll have to wait until you're addressed before you respond.

    Brodie: Richard Dawson, why don't you just go back to your podium until it's time to play The Feud. All right?

    [Audience laughs]

    Gil Hicks: Who the hell did you see me kiss?

    Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was but he seemed unimpressed.

    Gil Hicks: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear. I'm not gay.

    Brodie: Hey, Suitorette, this guys a homophobe. You heard how repulsed he sounded. Is this the kind of guy you want to spend a vacation with? This hate-monger?

    Gil Hicks: I don't hate gay people.

    Brodie: So you love them?

    Gil Hicks: Yes. I mean no.

    Brodie: Textbook closet case self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

  • Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public?

    Brodie: I already did once today.

    [clicks his finger at Renee]

    Brodie: But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, snap! The hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.

    Gil Hicks: [beat] Well, did he cum, or what?

    Brodie: Jesus *Christ*, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

  • Shannon Hamilton: That's it. You're dead, mallrat! I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair!

    Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.

    Gil Hicks: What... like the back of a Volkswagen?

  • Brandi: Suitor #2...

    Gil Hicks: Hey, what about me?

    Brodie: Aw Gil, just shut the fuck up!

  • Brandi: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?

    Gil Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.

    Brodie: That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.

  • T.S. Quint: How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us?

    Brodie: Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here.

    Gil Hicks: Well, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh.

    Brodie: Well, why not? Because he's fat? Now you have something against fat people, too?

  • Brodie: Hey guys, you'll never guess who I just met.

    [looks at the two suitors on the floor off camera]

    Brodie: What happened to these two?

    Jay: Power of the dark side.

    T.S. Quint: Wait a minute. There's only two. There's supposed to be three! What happened to the third guy?

    Jay: I never saw a third guy.

    [Gil enters and looks down at the two on the floor; both he and Brodie take an instant dislike to each other]

    Gil Hicks: What happened to these two?

    T.S. Quint: Um... they got light headed.

    Jay: You got that right.

    Gil Hicks: So, what's going to happen now? They going to cancel the show?

    Brodie: What do you care, asshole?

    Gil Hicks: I'm supposed to be on it. I'm Gil Hicks, Suitor Number Three.

    T.S. Quint: We're gonna take their places. Hi. I'm T.S. Quint, this is my friend Brodie Bruce.

    Gil Hicks: Hey, didn't Svenning have you arrested?

    Brodie: [belligerent] Look man, don't give him any shit!

  • Gil Hicks: Hey, do I get a chance to field any more questions?

    T.S. QuintBrandi: [in unison] NO!

  • Gil Hicks: Something's going on here. Where's Mr. Svenning?

    Roddy: [enters] Mr. Svenning has come down with a sudden case of depheria.

    [looks down at the two guys on the floor]

    Roddy: What happened to these two?

    Jay: The homeboys got a case of the mad munchies!

    Gil Hicks: [points to T.S] Hey, Roddy Roddy, isn't this the guy that Svenning had arrested?

    Roddy: Why yes it is. All right Quint, I don't know how you got back in here, but we're postponing the start of the show until I call Mr. Svenning. You've brought down the fire, well now you've got it! Security!

    Brodie: Hey, Roddy!

    [Brody puches Roddy out]

    Security Guard: [enters] Somebody call security? What happened here?

    Brodie: Oh, these two guys got stonned and knocked this guy out. I think he needs medical attention.

    Gil Hicks: That's not what happ...

    [Brody stomps on Gil's foot, silencing him]

    T.S. Quint: Yeah, could you get him and these two guys out of here? The show's about to start.

    Security Guard: Whatever.

    Brodie: [to Gil] Look asshole, just go out there with us and behave, and you'll be just fine.

    [to Jay]

    Brodie: Jay, when Tricia shows up here with a video tape, you give it to Silent Bob.

    Jay: Check. Say, where is that tubby bitch?

Browse more character quotes from Mallrats (1995)

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