Gerry Quotes in Gerry (2002)

[last lines]

[Gerry and Gerry are both lying on the ground]

Gerry: [softly] How do you think the hike's going so far?

[pause]

Gerry: [softly] Pretty good.

[pause]

Gerry: [softly] I'm leaving.

Gerry: Fuck the thing!

Gerry: Power run to the thing!

Gerry: No, fuck the thing. It's probably just some thing at the end of the trail.

Gerry: Why don't you make me a dirt-mattress?

Gerry: No, Gerry.

Gerry: Come on, dude. I crow's-nested all the way up here to scout-about the ravine 'cause you Gerried the rendezvous.

Gerry: Well, I gotta haul the dirt.

Gerry: Well, get haulin'.

Gerry: I can haul it from over here.

Gerry: Shirt basket?

Gerry: Shirt basket.

Gerry: I thought maybe you'd succumbed.

Gerry: I almost did succumb, but then I turbanned up, and I feel a lot better.

Gerry: [after several minutes of walking in completely silence] Fuck you.

Gerry: Fuck you.

Gerry: I conquered Thebes.

Gerry: When?

Gerry: Two weeks ago.

Gerry: How'd you do it?

Gerry: Well, I got... I did more than that, actually. I said to Gerry, "I ruled this land for ninety-seven years... and, uh... and, uh, I'd like it." I had all the sanctuaries built. And then I, uh... this hot lava leaked out of a volcano, and half destroyed one of the - my sanctuary to, uh... Demeter, I guess it was. And, um... but I didn't have the... the marble to rebuild, like, the sculptures, and the - to fix the sanctuary. But I already had all these, um, docks, to, like, Calydon and... Argos, and... I had everything. I had everything. Um, I was trading with, like, twelve cities. And, uh... I had-I had a really good army. But, um, the river had - the river had just flooded. And it flooded out, like, four of my docks, and I couldn't import the marble, to rebuild the sanctuary. And she got - Demeter got really pissed off, and so she made my fields infertile. And then, uh... so I couldn't grow the grass. I couldn't grow the wheat, to feed the horses. And there was no... I couldn't... and there was nowhere for the sheep to graze... and the goats. And so my people were getting hungry and restless, and then, um... and so I, I couldn't trade because the - the rivers had flooded. And so, uh, Knossos, one of my vassals, got really upset with me, and, um... turned against me. And they, uh... attacked me. And because I couldn't, I couldn't train any sheep 'cause I didn't have the wheat. I didn't have, uh... I didn't have a, um... a, uh...

Gerry: You couldn't train any sheep?

Gerry: I couldn't train any of the *horses*, because I, uh, didn't have the wheat. And so, when they attacked me, I just got... they just dogged me. And I actually went to send my army out to defend the city, and, like, you can only send 'em out if you have, uh, twelve - if you have twelve, uh, trained horses, and I had eleven. So... I was one... horse... shy... I don't know... of saving the city.

Gerry: So then you didn't really...

Gerry: Oh, I *had* conquered Theb - I had just conquered Thebes. And then that happened.

Gerry: But we didn't see anything that looked the same and we could have just Gerried off in all these different directions.

Gerry: Yeah, but we could have bailed early, you know, we could have just bai... we ma... we... I mean, there were so many just different Gerries along the way...

Gerry: So we were going east, all right, which is a total Gerry...

Gerry: And then we Gerried off to the animal tracks. We went up the wrong fuckin' mountain. Okay?

Gerry: And our mountain scout-about was east, so we totally Gerried the scout-about.

Gerry: What are you doing on that rock?

Gerry: Looking for you.

Gerry: Why didn't you just go to the spot?

Gerry: I did. You weren't there.

Gerry: I've been there. I was just sitting there.

Gerry: Dude, that's not the spot. The spot is like a half of a mile that way. I was at the spot. I was waiting for you forever. I was yelling your name. And I just came walking up here, and I saw this rock. I crow's-nested up here to scout-about the ravine 'cause I thought maybe you Gerried the rendezvous. Sure enough, that's not the spot.

Gerry: All right, my fault.

Gerry: Come on, dude, let's go.

Gerry: I can't.

Gerry: Why not?

Gerry: Fucking marooned.

Gerry: Come on. You're not rock-marooned. Just climb down.

Gerry: But I am rock-marooned. I can't climb down. I'm gonna have to jump.

[first lines]

Gerry: Hey, Gerry, the path.

Russell: You want my opinion?

Gerry: Will I like it?

Russell: Well, of course not! It'll be based in reality.

Gerry: There's loads of them... having some sort of sponsored epileptic fit!

Helen: I didn't know you liked Elton John.

Gerry: I-I-I do sometimes.

Gerry: [looking in the mirror] Are you some peculiar, thus far undefined breed of dickhead. You have two head problems. One, that was close, very close. Put in layman's terms, she nearly caught you. Two, and this is far more worrying than the first one, you're talking to yourself in the mirror again. Really bad sign.

Gerry: [to Pat about Tony] Let's go get everybody and kick his ass!

Gerry: Don't tell anyone, but I uh... snuck in some Oreos. Just in case.

Josh: That was very sneaky of you, Gerry. Chipmunks! Download! Now!

[Gerry looks around as the campers pile candy in hiding places]

Gerry: [writing a letter] Dear Grandma... someone once said, "War is hell." They've never been to fat camp. I knew the food would be bad...

[shows a revolting-looking lunch being passed out]

Gerry: ... but even worse...

[shows Lars stabbing the Blob with a spear]

Gerry: ... today he killed the Blob.

Gerry: [goes to the go-kart track, closed and with people putting the karts in a pile] As for the go-karts, well... may they rest in pieces. I'm writing you because nobody else seemed to care.

Maury Garner: [on the phone] I did not send you to 'go-kart' camp!

Tony Perkis: [on the PA] Attention campers, lunch has been cancelled today, due to lack of hustle. Deal with it...

Gerry: Tony Perkis tries to lead by example...

Tony Perkis: [shows Tony on a bed of nails, and two guys placing an ice block on his stomach] This is the 18th level of the PerkiSystem. You'll all be doing this by Labor Day! All right, do it to it, Lars!

Lars: [standing by with a large hammer at the block] It's my honor, Tony.

[Lars breaks the ice block while the campers freak out. Tony is unharmed]

Gerry: ...but we're afraid to follow.

Tony Perkis: [nighttime, the campers are around a large fire along with Tony] I know each and every one of you - because I WAS you!

Gerry: Once a day, the kids from Camp MVP, drive by and make fun of us.

MVP camper: [shows the MVP counselor and two campers driving by in a motor boat]

[Into a megaphone]

MVP camper: You STINK! You STINK! You STINK! You STINK! HA ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[Gerry and Roy are ducked down in the water]

Gerry: At night...

[shows some more MVP campers at the dock carrying cans of paint]

Gerry: ... they vandalize our camp.

[Pat is scrubbing it all off]

Gerry: [looks at Josh's empty bed and continues] At least Josh got out... where there's food. We have to resort... to more desperate measures.

[Shows the campers chasing cows and shouting]

Gerry: Tony's arranged a dance with the girls' camp... so he can humiliate us into losing weight. Pray for me, Grandma. Love, Gerry.

Roy: Headed to fat camp?

Gerry: No... Why do you say that?

Roy: 'Cause your fat... 'That your dad?

Gerry: No... W-why do you say that?

Roy: 'Cause he's fat too!

Gerry: Well, so are you.

Roy: I know, that's why I'm going to fat camp. I'm Roy.

Gerry: I'm Gerry. Yeah I guess I am going to fat camp.

Roy: I knew it! And that's your dad too, right?

Gerry: Hell no!

Roy: Well you're gonna love camp, man, camp is awesome. Plus, nobody picks on you because YOUR not the fat kid, EVERYBODY'S the fat kid. Just stick with me, Gerry, because I'm the man!

Nicholas: [Passes Gas directly into Gerry's Face] Oh, my. I didn't mean to.

Gerry: Just go!

Roy: Funny Josh. But really man, what happened? Talk to us.

Josh: [half-unaware] Josh was bad.

Roy: Oh man. Oh jeez.

Josh: [half-unaware] Josh now good.

Gerry: Good? Wha... what do you mean?

Josh: Must be...

[finally showing his normal awareness]

Josh: good to see my big ass again!

Gerry: It's a fat camp! Are you crazy? No way! I'm not going to camp with a bunch of fat loads!

Mrs. Garner: Gerry!

Roger Johnson: Now that's not kind, Gerry.

Maury Garner: We're doing this for your own good. We gatta nip this thing in the bud.

Gerry: I'm fine. This is a joke right? You're fatter than I am why don't you go to fat camp.

Mrs. Garner: You show your father some respect.

Maury Garner: First I think we should have a little pow-wow, and then we will call you with our decision.

Gerry: I'll give you my decision right now. I'm not going.

[Cut to a jetliner taking off]

Tony Perkis: [first time seen] Can you smell it? There's a life force in here tonight. Do you feel it? Hmm? I look around this room, and I see potential.

[to Gerry]

Tony Perkis: I see the future chairman of a Fortune 500 company.

[to Roy]

Tony Perkis: I see a famous rap artist.

[to Nicholas]

Tony Perkis: I see the president of the United States of America.

Gerry: He's from England!

Tim: [sees the kids have locked Tony up] Oh good God!

Pat Finley: This is insane!

Julie: This is great!

Gerry: So, what was you guys' plan?

Pat Finley: What do you guys think you're doing?

Gerry: Taking over the camp.

Tim: Guys, you can't kidnap the owner of a camp! They give people the *chair* for things like this.

Gerry: It was self defense, you have to believe us.

Julie: I believe you.

Roy: Pat, you know what? He snapped!

Josh: He was going to make us climb a thousand foot mountain!

[all the campers start talking at once about Tony's insane antics]

Gerry: Who's this?

Roger Johnson: Hi, Gerry. "Roger Johnson." Islander's fan, huh? Team of the future, I'd say.

Gerry: Uh, yeah. Whatever, I'm out of here.

Maury Garner: Hold those horses, cowboy. Mr. Johnson is your guest, and he's here to talk to you about a very special summer camp.

Roger Johnson: A camp designed just for you, Gerry.

Gerry: Summer Camp? No way. I have plans for the summer. I'm gonna hang out!

Mrs. Garner: Come on, Honey. He's got a videotape for us to watch. Why don't we just take a little peek?

Gerry: Why don't we not?

Gerry: [sees the players from Camp MVP arriving for baseball] I'm not so good at sports.

Phillip Grubenov: Oh yeah right, and I'm Dionne Sanders.

Gerry: [narrating letter to his grandma] We can do anything. Even take on Camp MVP in the Apache Relay, and we can win. I think.

Pat Finley: [pushing Gerry around the track in a dismantled go-kart] How do you do on your jumps?

Gerry: [in awe] These things jump?

Pat Finley: Jump? They FLY, Gerry, they FLY!

Gerry: Hey Pat, thanks for the best damn summer of my life!

Pat Finley: Same here, big guy!

[hugs Gerry]

Gerry: [pause, after being called all-in by other poker player] Do you know how to get a sweet, little, old lady to yell "Go fuck yourself?"

Gerry: [pause, look around the table] Get another sweet, little, old lady to yell "Bingo!"

Curtis: [Yelling, drunk] Woodford!

Gerry: [Yelling, drunk] Woodford!

Rod: [Assuming a martial arts stance] Put down the pickle. We come in peace.

Gerry: You have GOT to be joking!

Gerry: I'll tell you what birds like nowadays. A bit of vulnerability. That's what Frank's got.

Nailor: [Reflects for a second] I can be vulnerable.

[Harpic is reading a briefing to his staff about the new rules under privatization]

Harpic: Oh, now listen, now this really *is* important: "Deaths must be kept to an acceptable level".

Gerry: What's "an acceptable level"?

Harpic: Er, "two a year".

Gerry: But nobody's been killed for the past eighteen months.

Jim: Any volunteers?

Gerry: [Already arguing] 'Elf' and Safety.

Harpic: What do you mean, Health and Safety.

Gerry: Health and Safety.

Harpic: Yeah well what about health and safety.

Gerry: That clock...

Harpic: [trying to cut off] Gerry.

Gerry: -shouldn't be in here; this is our mess room.

Harpic: [raising voice] But, that clock is not a health and safety issue.

Fiona: [Gerry playing chess against himself after everyone leaves] Ah who's winning?

Gerry: Checkmate.

Fiona: Checkmate, what's that mean?

Gerry: What ever move you make, you lose.

Fiona: [chuckles] Story of my life.

[first lines]

Runt: Once upon a time, before there was any blue, I'd take a long long nap in a brand new home. This place, it's like I make up my mind to stay in this lovely warm pink room. The thumpity thump of the heart. My only true path. I tell the noisy world outside to fuck off with all your play-actin', for Runt. She go no where, for no one. That was a time when silence was some sort of friend.

Runt: But then my mom would heave and wake all inside. And Runt, she wakes up, cause a baby can't stay still forever. A baby must be born. So hold on mom, for the little baby, she's comin' out. Push the baby! Push the head! Oh the fuckin' pain. Man cry like a baby himself. Push now! Push ya fat mommy. And I arrive into this world of mine. The light so bright, it wakes me awake with a little baby's scream.

Gerry: She's a little beaut'. A diamond darling.

Runt: And I remember seeing my old dad. So full of the happy, he was. Then nursey hand me to my mum. And she's so tired, yeah? Opened up to spit me out into this funny old world. I smile at her, cause that's what babies do. And for the one and only time, we three are a family.

Ray: How long you been out on the road?

Gerry: How long is a piece of string?

Gerry: I think it's beautiful. You know, to have your whole life all laid out like that in front of your eyes.

Ray: I think they're going to knock it all down soon.

Gerry: Always be roots though. All I got's a whole bunch of people I'm not going to see again and a whole bunch of places I'm never gonna go back to.

Ray: So stop movin'.

Gerry: Wouldn't know how.