George Newman Quotes in UHF (1989)

[George and Bob just got fired again]

Bob Steckler: How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen.

George Newman: You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and... just bash my head right in! Go ahead. Really. Please! Just BASH it right in!

Bob Steckler: George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me five bucks.

George Newman: Hey, kids. Where y'wanna go?

[indifferent silence]

George Newman: That's right. To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse. And boy-oh-boy, are we gonna have big fun today. We're gonna have so much fun, we'll forget about how miserable we are, and how much life sucks, and how we're all gonna grow old and die someday.

Little Weasel: I wanna go home!

George Newman: Shut up, you little weasel!

[beat]

George Newman: Okay. Right now, I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who MOCKS him and LAUGHS at him as he's repeatedly CRUSHED and MAIMED! Hope you'll ENJOY it!

Stanley Spadowski: Hi, George. Well, uh, I'm finished with the TV show. Uh, what do you want me to do now?

George Newman: Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?

Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! Oh, boy, it was fun!

George Newman: Great! How would you like to do it every day?

Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! That would be neat... Oh, wait a minute - do I still get to be the janitor?

George Newman: [incredulously] Sure.

Stanley Spadowski: It's a DEAL!

[watching a cartoon when Bob tells George whether to finish the show since Teri won't talk to him]

Stanley Spadowski: Watch out, Mr. Coyote!

[sound effect on the TV]

Stanley Spadowski: Aww, it's terrible.

George Newman: Hey, Stanley.

Stanley Spadowski: Yeah, George?

George Newman: How'd you like your own TV show

Stanley Spadowski: [beat] ... okay.

George Newman: You're on.

George Newman: [bursts into room where Stanley is being held prisoner] Aaaaaaaaaaggghh!

Killer Thug: [totally unimpressed] Who the hell is this guy?

George Newman: [imitating Rambo] Oim your worst nightmare.

Raul Hernandez: Hey, man! This is Raul Hernandez and welcome to "Raul's Wild Kingdom" coming to you live from My Apartment! How 'bout that, huh? Okay. The first thing we're gonna do today is check out the wonderful world of turtles. This is my friend, Tommy. Tommy, say hello to the nice people. 'Hello!' Ha! Isn't he great? Okay, so... the turtle is a member of the Reptile family and he's got this hard, protective shell, which keeps predators away... also provides him with his own home when he sleeps. Oh, and he's got these tiny, teeny little legs which makes him move real slow. Not too many people know this, but the turtle is also Nature's suction cup. Watch this.

[licks underside of turtle and tosses it up towards the ceiling. Off camera it makes a loud plop sound]

Raul Hernandez: Did you see that? It sticks! Ha! Okay, yeah... what else I got for you? Yeah, check this out! This is my ant farm. Now ants are amazing. They can carry 50 times their own weight and they work for weeks and weeks building these intricate little tunnels. And oh yeah... they hate it when you do this...

[picks up ant farm and shakes it vigorously up and down]

Raul Hernandez: Oh look! They're really mad, now.

George Newman: [watching Raul on TV with Bob] Where did you find this guy?

Bob Steckler: Me? I thought you hired him.

Raul Hernandez: For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly.

[claps his hands]

Raul Hernandez: Come here... come here, Foofy. Ah, Foofy. Are you psyched? Are you ready? Okay... Here we go. Get ready. And... FLY!

[tosses poodle out of the apartment window. Poodle barks all the way down and hits with a loud thump]

Raul Hernandez: Oh, man... You know, sometimes it takes them a little longer to learn how to do it right. Okay, come on. Come on. Cheer up. Cheer up. Eh, eh, eh. Who's next? Ah, Gigi!

[tosses black poodle out of the window which barks all the way down and hits with another loud thud]

Raul Hernandez: Ah, man!

George Newman: You see, Bob, you gotta look at the big picture. You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can.

[last lines]

Teri Campbell: Hey, George, you know those crazy dreams you're always having? You think maybe I could be in some of them from now on?

George Newman: [cut to "Gone With the Wind" set, where George and Teri are dressed like Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara, complete with fake Southern accents] Honey, from now on you're gonna be in all of 'em!

Teri Campbell: [longingly] Oh, George...

George Newman: Honey, let's leave this place right now! Let's go this very minute!

Teri Campbell: No, George! Let's wait until tomorrow!

George Newman: But... why? WHY?

Teri Campbell: Because tomorrow... is another day.

George Newman: [looks at camera] I knew she was gonna say that!

[George kisses Teri, credits roll]

George Newman: I need a drink.

Bob Steckler: You don't drink.

George Newman: Yeah, but I've been meaning to start.

Bob Steckler: I don't know about this, George. We don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station.

George Newman: Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish-market. Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day.

Stanley Spadowski: George? What's wrong, George?

George Newman: Stanley, you don't want to know.

Stanley Spadowski: [confused] Then why'd I ask? Is there anything I can do to help?

George Newman: Now unless you got seventy-five thousand dollars on you.

Stanley Spadowski: [while searching carefully through crumpled pieces of currency] No, sorry.

George Newman: Hey, Philo, you really worked beyond the ecology on this one, thanks!

Philo: I'm glad to have been of service, George. Well, it appears that my work on this planet is complete. I must now return to my homeworld... on the planet Zarquon.

George Newman: [dubious] Okay, well. Have fun!

[Philo leaves]

George Newman: [sees his uncle] Hey, uncle Harvey!

Harvey Bilchik: Hey, kid, way to go! I always knew you had it in you! You're okay!

[Behind them, unnoticed, Philo morphs into a weird alien and flashes away]

Pamela Finklestein: Yeah, so, can I help you?

George Newman: Hi, I'm George Newman. I'm the new station manager.

Pamela Finklestein: [enraged tone] Ugh! You know, when I first took this job, they told me that this position would only be temporary, and that eventually, when the time was right, I would be moved up to news which is really my forte. You know how long I've been working here? Two years! It's kind of hard to get promoted when every other week you have a new boss! This job really sucks!

George Newman: [keeping his cool] Well... this is my friend Bob.

George Newman: Well... I've got good news and bad news.

Bob Steckler: Okay, give me the bad news first.

George Newman: Well... given our current financial status, compounded with fixed income and outstanding invoices... I figure this station will be flat broke by the end of the week.

Bob Steckler: [in shock] Well, what's the good news?

George Newman: I lied. There is no good news.

George Newman: [as "Uncle Nutsy," to Bob as "Bobbo the Clown"] ... Hey, Bobbo! Wanna play a game? Look up... Look down... Now look at Mr. Frying Pan!

[Hits him in the face]

George Newman: Uh-oh. Bobbo fall down go boom. Aw, what's the matter, Bobbo? I know! You're hungry! Have I got just the thing for you! Yes sir, clowns AND kids just can't resist the mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hackenberger's Butter Cookies!

[He proceeds to stuff Bobbo's face with "cookies," which are actually dog biscuits; George has picked up the wrong box!]

George Newman: Right, Bobbo? That's right! And guess what, Mom? THEY'RE NUTRITIOUS, TOO! Just look at how much Bobbo here likes 'em! Mmmm, THAT'S GOOD! And don't forget, there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hackenberger's...

[notices his mistake for the first time]

George Newman: ... Oooops! Heh Heh, it looks like Bobbo's been eating YAPPY'S DOG TREATS!

[a look of horror crosses Bobbo's face, and he runs off to the "little clowns' room."]

George Newman: That's right, Yappy's Dog Treats! Your dog will love that real liver-and-tuna taste...

[We hear Bobbo vomiting]

George Newman: ... With just a hint of cheese!

[Bob opens a piece of mail and looks at the mail in shock]

George Newman: What do you got there, Bob?

Bob Steckler: It's the ratings!

George Newman: Don't tell me we actually made the list.

Bob Steckler: We're number one.

George Newman: Say what?

Bob Steckler: We beat the networks. This is unbelievable. Look at these notes. We got three shows in the top 5. "Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse" went through the roof. Do you known what this means? We're finally going to make some real money. George, we are the number one station in town!

[They both scream for excitement]

Movie Announcer: There's lots of fun coming your way this weekend on U-62. First, slam to your way to health as you "Stay Fit" with Mike and Spike! Next, everybody's favorite: Chef Bernie invites you to go "Bowling for Burgers"! Sunday, be a part of the excitement as we premiere our new dazzling game show, "Strip Solitaire"! And then, join us for hilarious fun on the all new "Practical Jokes and Bloopers"! And you won't want to miss "Celebrity Mud Wrestling" with special guest: McCall Contraband! It's a whole new weekend on U-62, the reason television was invented!

Stanley Spadowski: [chuckles] Be there!

Teri Campbell: George, you've been bouncing from job to job ever since I've known you. You have to find some way of making your overactive imagination work for you instead of against you.

[turns around and discovers that George has molded his mashed potatoes into a mountain; she sighs]

Teri Campbell: What are you doing?

George Newman: [mimicking Richard Dreyfuss in "Close Encounters of the Third Kind"] This means something. This is important.

George Newman: [picks up a frying basket from a pot of boiling cooking oil, the blackened remains of something are seen] Well, I think the fries are just about done.

[He puts the frying basket back in the cooking oil]

Bob Steckler: [unhappy] Aw geez, George. You'd better not let Big Edna see that or she'll have a fit.

George Newman: [as Big Edna walks up behind him] Big Edna. Big Edna. You sound like a broken record. Big Edna this, Big Edna that. Why are you so afraid of that big, pathetic tub of lard?

[Bob grimaces and turns away with embarassment as George quickly turns around and sees Big Edna now standing right behind him. George weakly smiles, as Big Edna smiles back, looking very menacing]

George Newman: You know what? Nobody in this small town appreciates a guy with a good imagination.

Bob Steckler: Well, maybe not the people at the lumber yard, or the miniature golf course, or Floyd's Fish Market, or any of the other places you worked in the last... month.

Teri Campbell: George, did you get fired again?

George Newman: [banging his head against a counter] Yes! Yes! It's all true! I just don't know what's wrong with me!

[instantly changes his mood]

George Newman: So, what's for dinner?

[takes a look at what's for dinner]

George Newman: Mashed potatoes! My favorite! Teri, you shouldn't have!

Kuni: [George and Bob walk by karate studio, when a student comes crashing through the second-story window. He looks up to see Kuni] Hey, George!

George Newman: Hey, Kuni! Beginner's class today?

Kuni: Yeah, and they're so stupid!

[another student crashes through the window]

Kuni: STUUUUPIIIIIID!

Bob Steckler: What's Teri gonna say when she learns you got fired from another job again? Aren't you supposed to meet her at her parents house for dinner tonight?

George Newman: Teri? Oh no! What time is it?

[an arm belonging to a beginner student at Kuni's Karate School suddenly next door suddenly bursts through the wall as George looks at the wristwatch on the man's arm]

George Newman: 7:30? Oh no, I gotta run. I'll see you later.

[George notices a measuring tape, but does not recognize Fletcher at first]

George Newman: Can I help you?

R.J. Fletcher: No, thanks. Just taking a few measurements.

[Stanley enters the office and looks at the TV, but once he recognizes Fletcher, he runs away]

George Newman: Wait a minute, I think I missed something here.

R.J. Fletcher: Oh, didn't I tell you? I own this place now.

[Pamela Finklestein looks stunned about this]

George Newman: [shocked] You what?

R.J. Fletcher: What's the matter, kid, you got wax in your ears?

George Newman: But my Uncle Harvey...

R.J. Fletcher: [interrupts George] Harvey Bilchik is flying in tonight to close the deal!

[George, Bob and Pamela all look stunned]

George Newman: How's this for our new Friday night line-up? Eight o'clock, "Druids On Parade", then "The Volcano Worshipper's Hour", followed by "Underwater Bingo for Teams", and... "Fun with Dirt"!

Bob Steckler: Why not?

R.J. Fletcher: Now wait just one minute! What do you think you're doing?

George Newman: [as Harvey signed the contract to save U-62] WE DID IT, THE STATION IS OURS!

[Everybody cheers as a happy fanfare music plays]

Harvey Bilchik: Wow, look at that!

R.J. Fletcher: [in anger] YOU CAN'T DO THIS! We had an agreement, remember? An oral contract. I'll sue them!

Harvey Bilchik: Ah, blow it out your ears, scuzzbag.

FCC Man: Are you R.J. Fletcher?

R.J. Fletcher: Who do you think I am?

FCC Man: I'm John Vector of the FCC. I notice that your station is late in filing for its license renewal this year. Now normally, this kind of violation is punishable by its stiff fine. But I've been watching you lately, you made a big impression on me. Yeah, I'm revoking your license. Effective immediately, you're off the air.

Pamela Finklestein: Pamela Finklestein here, coming to you with the most incredible turn of events. Not only has the once powerful corporate broadcasting giant been thoroughly crushed and defeated. But now as luck would have it, they've been completely stripped of their license by the FCC.

Bum: Hey, Mister!

George Newman: Not now, okay?

Bum: Well, I was just wondering if it was too late to buy any of them shares.

[produces a large amount of money]

Bum: I'll take whatever you got left!

George Newman: [amazed] How much is that?

Bum: Two thousand dollars, heh heh heh! Keep your change!

[George and Teri make up]

Teri Campbell: What do you say, Stranger?

George Newman: Teri, what are you doing here? I thought you never wanted to see me again.

Teri Campbell: Whatever gave you that idea?

George Newman: Well, I guess my first clue was when you told me you never wanted to see me again.

George Newman: [message left on Teri's answering machine; voice] Teri! I'm sorry! Come on give me one more chance please! Come on Teri! Teri! Oh Oh I'm in hell! I'm in hell! Teri, Teri pick up the phone! Pick up the phone! Pick up the phone! Oh, Oh Teri! PLEASE!

George Newman: Hey, Stanley.

Stanley Spadowski: Yeah, George?

George Newman: How'd you like to have your own TV show?

Stanley Spadowski: [beat] ... okay.

George Newman: You're on.

[on the intro for "Town Talk with George"]

Movie Announcer: George Newman, he starts where the others stop.

George Newman: Sex with furniture: what do you think?

Movie Announcer: The world watched in amazement as he unlocked the secrets of Al Capone's glove compartment!

George Newman: Ah-ha... *road maps*!

Movie Announcer: He blew the lid off Satanism!

Satan: Look, all I was trying to say was...

George Newman: Oh, shut up, you pinhead! You make me SICK!

[He throws a glass of water in his face]

Movie Announcer: Sometimes shocking, always controversial. He deals with topics that the other talk shows are afraid to touch. He pries, he pokes, he digs deep. He gets the answers. He gets the facts. And most of all, he gets the ratings.

George Newman: [addressing viewers] Lesbian Nazi hookers abducted by UFOs and forced into weight loss programs... all next week on Town Talk.

[gets hit with a chair]