Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli Quotes in Son of the Pink Panther (1993)

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Excuse me, do you know which way is north?

Camel Driver: Yes.

[rides on]

[last lines]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: That felt good!

Princess Yasmin: Do you like being a cop?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes, sometimes. How is it being a princess?

Princess Yasmin: It's not much fun.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh. Fun is important.

Princess Yasmin: Yes. What else is important to you?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Singing.

Princess Yasmin: Yes?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [sings]

Princess Yasmin: That's... terrible.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes. And poetry. "Parent of golden dreams, Romance! Auspicious queen of childish joys who lead'st along in airy dance."

Princess Yasmin: That's Byron.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes. Yes. And rain, and sleeping. And and and my mother.

Princess Yasmin: You like your mother?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes, very much, yes. And women.

Princess Yasmin: What kinds of women?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: All kinds. Especially dark women with blue eyes and full red lips who smell like night-blooming jasmine, and taste like a warm mango.

Princess Yasmin: Warm mango?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: And honey.

Princess Yasmin: Oh, my god.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Mine, too.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Jacques' bicycle bumps into Dreyfus's car] Ha! That felt good! Now then, is anyone hurt?

Sergeant Francois Duval: Yes, in the van.

Hans Zarba: My sister... is unconscious.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: She is?

Hans Zarba: She should be taken to a near hospital.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Where is she?

Sergeant Francois Duval: Uh, in the van.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Excuse me, your sister is in his van?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No...

Sergeant Francois Duval: No, it is not my van.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Look, I'm Commissioner Dreyfus, if you will allow me...

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Excuse me just a moment, just a moment. When - excuse me - When I asked you if anyone was hurt, you replied, "Yes, in' my' van".

Sergeant Francois Duval: No, no, I said "Yes, in 'the' van", not "in 'my' van".

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: No, no, you did not say "Yes, in the van", not "Yes in the van", you said yes; you did not say "Yes, my van", not "Yes, the van"...

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Look...

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: You said "Yes, my van", not "Yes, in the van".

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Did you hear what I just said?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes, I heard.

Hans Zarba: It's my van - my van.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, now we're getting someplace.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Listen, you imbecile, you're...

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Hey, hey, watch your tongue, monsieur! I am an officer of the 'lauw'.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: What?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I said, I...

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I know what you said, you said you're an officer of the -

[Dreyfus's face starts twitching as he repeats Jacques' mispronunciation]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: 'lauw'.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Jacques is riding his moped when Dreyfus's red car passes him] Hey, stop! I said stop!

[Jacques' moped backfires]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Hey! Hey! Hey!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [to François] We haven't time to humor some bumpkin cop, lose him.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I said, stop! Hey! Can you hear me? Hey!

Sergeant Francois Duval: I think we've lost him.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yeah.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [François makes a sharp downhill turn, and hits Hans's Avis van at its front bumper] Look out!

Hans Zarba: [Hans gets out of his van, Dreyfus and François get out of their car] Are you all right?

Sergeant Francois Duval: Yes.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No!

Hans Zarba: One of my passengers is hurt.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No wonder; the way you drive, you are lucky they are not all dead.

Hans Zarba: The way I drive?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yes!

Hans Zarba: Could we please settle this at the hospital?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No. I am Police Commissioner Dreyfus, and I demand to see your driver's license.

Hans Zarba: [Yussa loads a clip into her gun] As you wish.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Jacques's moped bumps into Dreyfus's car, he tumbles over it] Hey! Ha! That felt good! Now then, is anyone hurt?

Sergeant Francois Duval: Yes, in the van.

Hans Zarba: My sister... is unconscious.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: She is?

Hans Zarba: She should be taken to a near hospital.

Sergeant Francois Duval: Where is she?

Hans Zarba: Uh, in the van.

[He points to the van]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Excuse me: your sister is in his van?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No...

Sergeant Francois Duval: No, it is not my van.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Look, I'm Commissioner Dreyfus, if you will allow me...

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Excuse me just a moment, just a moment.

[to Sgt. Duval]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: When - excuse me - When I asked you if anyone was hurt, you replied, "Yes, in 'my' van".

Sergeant Francois Duval: No, no, I said "Yes, in 'the' van", not "in 'my' van".

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: No, no, you did not say "Yes, in the van", not "Yes in the van", you said yes, you did not say "Yes, my van", not "Yes, the van"...

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Look...

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: You said "Yes, my van", not "Yes, in the van".

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Did - did you hear what I just said?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes, I heard.

Hans Zarba: It's my van - my van.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, now we're getting someplace.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Listen, you imbecile, you're...

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Hey, hey, watch your tongue, monsieur! I am an officer of the 'lauw'.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: What?

[Dreyfus is startled when he hears Gambrelli's pronounciation of the word 'law', as if he has heard it somewhere else before]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I said, I...

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I know what you said, you said you're an officer of the -

[Dreyfus's face starts twitching as he repeats Jacques's mispronunciation]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: 'lauw'.

Hans Zarba: Please, my sister may be dying.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Okay.

[Gambrelli walks over to the back of Hans's van]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Uh, please, please, stand back, stand back. Haa!

[Gambrelli opens the door, hitting Dreyfus in the face, and a machine gun falls to the ground]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrelli picks up the machine gun] You've been hunting?

Hans Zarba: Yes, hunting... hunting. Very perceptive.

Princess Yasmin: [Gambrelli kneels to check Hans's "sister", unaware that she is really Princess Yasmin; romantic music plays in the background as he takes a look at her face, she speaks softly] Hello.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [dreamily] Hello.

Princess Yasmin: [Yasmin giggles at Jacques. and puts her finger on his nose] Who are you?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [in a slow voice] I am Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli, second class. Who are you?

Princess Yasmin: I am -

[Hanif looks at Hans Zarba with a suspicion that she might reveal her identity and blow their cover; she yawns and goes unconscious]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Your sister is very... very unconscious. Yes, I suspect that she had 'receiv-ed' a 'beump' on the head.

Hans Zarba: What?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Dreyfus corrects Gambrelli's mispronunciation] Bump.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: What?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Oh, never mind. Come, François.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes, she requires immediate emergency treatment, Mister... uh...

Hans Zarba: Jones, Jones.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrellia closes the van door, getting his gloves and fingers caught in the van door] Take her quickly to the Nice hospital, Mr. Jones, and I will phone ahead to - Aah! - to tell them that you're - Mr. Jones! Mr. Jones, please stop! Mr. J - Wait, Mr. Jones, my hand! My - where are you go - Mr. Jones! Mr. Jones! Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, please stop!

[the van backs up and then drives away with Gambrelli's hand caught in the back door]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [the handlebars of Gambrelli's moped come loose as he heads down the stairs towards the harbor on his moped] Oh, no. Ohhh!

Sergeant Francois Duval: [Gambrelli and his moped land in the harbor; Duval's car follows, to be stopped by a harbor barricade pillar; Dreyfus and Duval get out of the car] What if he drowns?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: He can't, not yet!

[Dreyfus jumps in to rescue Gambrelli]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: What am I doing? I can't swim! Help! Help! Oh!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrelli stands up] What's wrong?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I can't swim!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Ha ha, neither can I!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: But then, why aren't you drowning?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Because it's easier to stand.

[Dreyfus notices that Gambrelli is standing in shallow water]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: What?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes.

[Dreyfus stands up after he sees that the waters are shallow; Dreyfus and Gambrelli laugh at the incident]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Who are you?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli, second class. Who are you?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Commissioner Dreyfus, police.

[Gambrelli salutes Dreyfus]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Come on, Gambrelli., I'll give you a lift home.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Dreyfus and Gambrelli are riding in Sgt. Duval's car to Gambrelli's house] But why would the man in the van want to kill me?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Maybe it's something to do with the unconscious girl. You had a good look at her; we didn't.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrelli recites a line from one of Lord Byron's poems] "She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless chimes and starry skies."

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Very poetic.

[Dreyfus clears his throat with a sudden frog-like croak]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrelli mispronounces Lord as 'Lourd'] Yes, Lourd Byron.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: 'Lourd'?

[Dreyfus is baffled by Gambrelli's dialectal mispronounciation of 'Lord'; Duval's car pulls over to the curb, in front of Gambrelli's house, and Dreyfus steps out]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Thank you for the lift, Commissioner, good night.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [to Duval] Wait here.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [to Duval in the car] Wait here.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Jacques and Dreyfus walk up to the Gambrelli house; Jacques knocks on the front door of his house] Do you live here alone, Gambrelli?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, no, I live with my mother.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Ah, I'd like to meet your mother.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Why not? Everybody wants to meet my mother.

[Gambrelli accidentally knocks on his mother's face, unaware that she has just opened the door]

Maria Gambrelli: Ah!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, excuse me, Mom.

[Gambrelli apologizes, and kisses his mother]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, this is Police Commissioner Dreyfus, he wants to meet you.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: How do you do, Mrs. Gambrelli? I hope it's not too late.

Maria Gambrelli: No, no,. Please, come in, Commissioner.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I'm sorry I'm a bit wet, heh heh, I'm sor - I'm sorry. I'm - I'm a bit wet, yes.

[the Gambrelli's poodle clings to Dreyfus's right leg]

Maria Gambrelli: Please, have a seat, Commissioner.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yes, thank you.

[Dreyfus chuckles]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I - I am just going upstairs, uh, to change-a my clothes.

Maria Gambrelli: Do you speak Italian, Commissioner?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No, not really.

Maria Gambrelli: Darling?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes?

[Maria and Jacques have a conversation in Italian]

Maria Gambrelli: [the Gambrellis speak in Italian, with English subtitles on the screen] Speak Italian.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [English subtitles] Yes.

Maria Gambrelli: [English subtitles] How do you know this man?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [English subtitles] He gave me a lift in his car. Why are you so upset?

Maria Gambrelli: [English subtitles] The world is full of strange, crazy people.

Maria Gambrelli: [speaks English] Now, bring the Commissioner down one of your robes,

Maria Gambrelli: [In Italian] Make it quick!

Maria Gambrelli: [English] Oh, Jacques.

[Jacques utters something in unsubtitled Italian]

Maria Gambrelli: [to Dreyfus] He's just like his father. Would you care to join me in the kitchen?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Dreyfus chuckles as the poodle lets go] I - I would indeed.

Maria Gambrelli: [Dreyfus is in his hospital bed, watching 'A Day At the Races' with the Marx Brothers and Margaret Dumont; Mrs. Dumont says "Oh, dear! Come, gentlemen, let us begin!" Groucho responds with "Oh, you shouldn't have done that, now we're all unsterilized." The Marxes go to the washbasin singing 'Down By The Old Mill Stream'; Maria, Jacques and Sgt. Duval enter Dreyfus's hospital room] How are you?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Terrible.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, no doubt it was a 'beumb'.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: A what?

Maria Gambrelli: A bomb.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: A -

[Dreyfus suddenly coughs]

Maria Gambrelli: Oh, you should rest, Charles.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: How do you know my... first name?

Maria Gambrelli: You told me in the ambulance.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [confused] That's strange, I - I don't remember, but I remember you.

Maria Gambrelli: You said: "My name is Charlie Dreyfus, and I'm going to be a policeman."

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I used to say that... as a child. I must have been delirious.

[Jacques picks up the bed control, mistaking it for the TV remote]

Maria Gambrelli: No, you were very sweet.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I was?

Maria Gambrelli: Yes.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Jacques pushes the remote's buttons, trying to adjust the TV, and the bed suddenly shifts] What's this? What's this? What? Oh, something's happened. Ow! Ow!

Maria Gambrelli: Jacques!

[At this point, the bed's mishaps take a remarkably simaliar coincidental parallel to the examination bed scene in 'A Day At The Races']

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Wrong mechanism!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Stop!

Maria Gambrelli: Oh, Jacques!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Stop it, please! Please! What are you doing. Give me that!

Maria Gambrelli: Give it to me!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Something terrible has happened!

Nurse: [the nurse takes the bed remote and gives Jacques the TV remote] There! There! Now don't play with it again!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [relieved] Thank you, nurse.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Oh, dear.

Maria Gambrelli: [Dreyfus tries to get up, but Maria makes him lie down] No, no, no, you should relax now!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No, I can't - I can't relax, I - I have to tell... him something. What's his name, your son?

Maria Gambrelli, Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Jacques.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Jacques - Listen, Jacques... I wanted to tell you, you are in great danger.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I am?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: François, where's the Chief's report?

Sergeant Francois Duval: Ah, here.

[François hands the Chief's report to Dreyfus]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: There... do you remember the unconscious girl you saw in the van?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [dreamily] Oh, how could I ever forget her?

[Jacques recites a line of poetry in English, then Italian]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: "Beauty to reach for you,

[in Italian]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: spirete dia."

Maria Gambrelli: Jacques loves poetry.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yes, I know.

[Dreyfus hands the photo to Jacques]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I want you to look at this photograph.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: My God, that is she! But how did you know?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: A hunch.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: A what?

Maria Gambrelli: Hunch.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: A hunch? Who is she? What is she doing in the Chief's file?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: She's Princess Yasmin.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Princess... kidnapped. Isn't she beautiful, mother?

Maria Gambrelli: Hmm... not bad for a princess.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Ah.

[Chief Lazar enters Dreyfus's hospital room, Jacques salutes him]

Police Chief Charles Lazar: Commissioner.

[to Jacques]

Police Chief Charles Lazar: At ease, Gambrelli.

[to Maria]

Police Chief Charles Lazar: I'm glad to see that you are not hurt, Madame.

Maria Gambrelli: Thank you, Chief.

Police Chief Charles Lazar: And I'm particularly happy that you are still with us, Commissioner.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Oh, I'm sure you are. And I'm particularly happy that you've assigned me Officer Gambrelli.

Hans Zarba: [Hanif knocks on Hans's door] Yes?

Hanif: [Hanif opens the door, bringing Jacques Gambrelli with him, unaware that the doctor is really Jacques Gambrelli] The doctor.

Hans Zarba: Ah, finallly. Come in, doctor.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes, good evening.

Hans Zarba: Good evening.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Good evening. Well, what seems to be the trouble? Ah, you have received the blemish in your arm, huh?

Hans Zarba: Yes, I believe it may require some stitches. What do you think?

[Hans unwinds the bandage around his arm]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrelli gasps] Oh, heh heh. Oh yes, I think... you need something... to keep you from fainting. Yes, you must take deep breaths like this.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrelli breathes heavily] You see, then you don't faint, but deep, very, very deep.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrelli faints, hitting Hans's bed and then the floor; Hans throws a book at Gambrelli to revive him] What happened?

Hans Zarba: You hyperventilated.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I did? Where?

Hans Zarba: You fainted.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, yes, I know that, yes.

[Gambrelli opens a medical bag]

Hans Zarba: Well, are you going to stitch up my arm or not?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrelli puts a stethoscope on] Of course, of course, I am going to stitch up your - Phew! - up your...

[Gambrelli sniffs a bottle of alcohol]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: But first, I must check if you are... physically fit.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrelli puts a head mirror on his forehead; Hans points a gun at Gambrelli, who backs away] Fit as a fiddle. Very good.

[Gambrelli drinks from the alcohol bottle]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrelli wheezes deeply] And now... now I must check your reflex.

[Gambrelli taps Hans's knee with a rubber doctor's mallet; Hans kicks Gambrelli into a chair]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Flex as a fiddle... Very good.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Now... now...

[Gambrelli drinks from the bottle of alcohol]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Aah... aah... Ohh, ohh...

[Gambrelli puts his head into his medical bag]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Ah, there - oh.

[in a muffled voice]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: There is a spare in here somewhere.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrelli pulls out a vial] Uh-huh, ah, this is very good. You know what this is? My dentist uses this. He pulled my wi - wisdom tooth, and I didn't even feel it, ha ha.

Hans Zarba: Novocaine.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: No, no, no, no... This - His name is Fishburn... Dr. Marvin Fishburn, yes? I highly recommend him. If you are in need of - ooh!

[Gambrelli accidentally sticks himself in the cheek with the novocaine shot, and talks irreuglarly]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I seem... to have stabbed myself in the cheek, yes? Now, before I can stitch up your arm, I must inject it. Hold still, hold - hold still. Hold still... Yes, aha, very good. Ah, ha ha, good. Now... okay, it's... it's... now, it's getting... very late, and I think... oh, I get back... in the hospital, in surgery. I am due in surgery, huh? Bye-bye.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Hans aims for Gambrelli, hitting the doorway] On... on second thought, I am in no condition... to operate. Is better if I stay here, huh, with you?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Hanif enters the room] If you need me, I am here... with you. I am here. Now just relax, if you need me...

[Gambrelli passes out]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrelli hiccups and wakes up] Oh... ohh... Ah... ah...

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrelli glances at Princess Yasmin] 'Oh... but soft, what... light through yonder window breaks? Oh, it is the east, and Juliet... is the sun."

Princess Yasmin: [He stumbles at the foot of Yasmin's bunk; she wakes up] Romeo...

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, no,

[Jacques hiccups]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Jacques.

Princess Yasmin: You know what they say.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: No.

Princess Yasmin: Yes: "A rose by any other name would - "

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Jacques completes the line from Romeo and Juliet] "Would smell as sweet."

Princess Yasmin: [giggles] Yes. What are you doing here, sweetie?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I came to rescue you.

[he hiccups]

Princess Yasmin: Hold your breath.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Like this?

Princess Yasmin: Mm-hmm.

[Yasmin sniffs in some air, Jacques hiccups]

Princess Yasmin: Longer.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I can't.

Princess Yasmin: Oh, here, try again.

[Yasmin inhales with her nose, then she kisses Jacques while holding his nostrils shut]

Princess Yasmin: Ahhh.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Jacques hiccups] It's no use.

Princess Yasmin: Yeah. There is one other way, okay? It's a little extreme, but it always works.

[Yasmin kisses Jacques and embraces him lovingly]

Princess Yasmin: No more hiccups.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Amazing, but how did you discover it?

Princess Yasmin: I was, uh, engaged to a football player when I was in college in the States, and he, uh, always had the hiccups.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, who could blame him?

Princess Yasmin: Hmph.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: How about you?

Princess Yasmin: I never have hiccups.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, never?

Princess Yasmin: But if I ever do, I hope you're somewhere in the neighborhood.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, I would consider it an honor and a privilege to be of assistance.

Princess Yasmin: How long have you been a policeman, Officer Gambrelli?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, three years next May.

Princess Yasmin: Yes?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: How long have you been a princess, Your Highness?

Princess Yasmin: All my life.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, that's a long time to be anything.

Princess Yasmin: Yes.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Do you like being a cop?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes, sometimes. How is it being a princess?

Princess Yasmin: It's not much fun.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, fun is important.

Princess Yasmin: What else is important to you?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Mmm... singing.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Jacques awakens in his hospital bed] Ah, mother.

Maria Gambrelli: Jacques, I was so worried.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Jacques sighs, then gasps] The princess! They have taken the princess!

Maria Gambrelli: [Jacques rises from his bed, only to be stopped by Maria] Please, Jacques!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I have to stop them! Oh, ohhh...

[Jacques faints back into his bed]

Maria Gambrelli: You see? You're not supposed to get up.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, but I must tell the Commissioner about Uncle Idris.

Maria Gambrelli: I will tell the Commissioner about Uncle Idris.

[beat]

Maria Gambrelli: Who is Uncle Idris?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Uncle Idris? I - I don't know. I remember hearing someone... that they were going to Darfur to visit Uncle Idris.

Maria Gambrelli: Okay, just keep quiet.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [deliriously] Uncle Idris.

Maria Gambrelli: Si, si, si.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [deliriously] Uncle Idris.

[Maria leaves Jacques's hospital room and enters an elevator; Chief Lazar and Jean Claude arrive in another elevator]

Police Chief Charles Lazar: [Chief Lazar and Jean Claude enter Jacques's room, only to find he's not there] Well?

Jean Claude: They said he was in Room 408.

Police Chief Charles Lazar: I'll check. Hello? Hello?

[Lazar goes over to the phone, only for Jacques to open the bathroom door, knocking Chief Lazar out of an open window]

Police Chief Charles Lazar: Aaaah!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: How is he?

[Dreyfus is talking to Maria while Lazar screams as he falls down to the ground below]

Maria Gambrelli: It was all I could do to keep Jacques from getting out of bed and coming down here to tell you about someone named Uncle Idris.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Idris?

Maria Gambrelli: He said he overheard someone say they were going to Darfur.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Darfur? That's a small military republic, borders Lugash.

Maria Gambrelli: Charles?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yes, Maria?

Maria Gambrelli: I'm worried about Jacques.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: There, there; if he's anything like his father, he'll be all right, he'll manage.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [looks at a portrait of Jacques Clouseau and Maria Gambrelli] Clouseau, my father?

Maria Gambrelli: Yes.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: But, why didn't you tell me?

Maria Gambrelli: For the same reason I didn't tell him; I thought you would both be better off not knowing. Your father and I weren't in love; we had a brief encounter in a blizzard.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Why did you pretend that my father was an Italian French horn player?

Maria Gambrelli: Well, for one thing, it explains your interest in music. Actually, Clouseau played the violin. Not well, but passionately. He made love the way he played the violin.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: But, why do you tell me now?

Maria Gambrelli: Because, in many way, you are like your father: foolhardy, accident-prone, pig-headed, courageous, accident-prone. I think it's important that you know about the things that he depended upon to keep him alive; also the things he neglected to pay attention to that ultimately killed him.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [quoting from Shakespeare] "If I must die, I will encounter darkness as a bride and hug it in mine arms."

Maria Gambrelli: Shakespeare?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Ah, have you told him?

Maria Gambrelli: Yes.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Gendarme Second Class Gambrelli?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: It looks like you are in charge now.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, yes?

Maria Gambrelli: No!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Time is running out for the Princess, and apart from myself and François, Officer Gambrelli is the only one who can identify the kidnappers.

Maria Gambrelli: But Charles, he has so little experience.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [chuckles] His father was a patrolman,and became the greatest detective in France without any experience. Trust me, if you're a Clouseau, you can succeed without it. I presume you will now change your name.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Why?

Maria Gambrelli: You're a Clouseau now.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes, but I'm also a Gambrelli, it's a good name.

[sings to the tune of "Moon River"]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Gam - brel - li!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: You can sing it; do you want me to change it?

Maria Gambrelli: It might be nice; your father saved my life.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [sings to the tune of "Moon River"] Clou - seau!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Not bad, okay.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: François, see to it that Gendarme Second Class Jacques Gambrelli is promoted to Detective First Class Jacques Clouseau, Jr. as quickly as you can. Get him new papers and a passport.

[Chief Lazar whimpers as Jacques comes near him]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Don't worry, Maria; when the kidnappers hear that a Clouseau is on their trail, they'll probably surrender without a fight!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Shut up!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [enters Prof. Balls' shop] Hello?

Professor Auguste Balls: [from another room] Hello!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Doctor Balls?

Professor Auguste Balls: Who wants to know?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Detective Jacques Clouseau, second - uh, first class, - Junior! I spoke with you on the phone, earlier.

[Jacques gasps as Prof. Balls' wife comes into the main room]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Good evening.

Marta Balls: I am Madame Balls. You don't look like him.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I wouldn't know; I've never met your husband.

Marta Balls: Who said anything about my husband?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: You did. You said I don't look like him.

Marta Balls: I meant your father!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Well, why didn't you say so? I never met him, either.

Marta Balls: [Madame Balls laughs] He's a real Clouseau!

Professor Auguste Balls: [Prof. Balls enters the main shop room] Detective Clouseau?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: First class, Junior!

Professor Auguste Balls: Naturally. Dr. Auguste Balls of Nice, at your service.

Marta Balls: Oh!

Professor Auguste Balls: You must forgive me for having Madame Balls establish your authenticity. So many crooks and charlatans these days would use my talents for ill-gotten gains. You can't be too careful. Now, am I forgiven?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes.

Professor Auguste Balls: Such a joy to see the son of my oldest, dearest, and deadest friend. And as I always used to say to him: "Always remember, if you need a disguise when duty calls, look no further because... you've got Balls."

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Is that why you asked me to meet you in the park, so you could attack me, like you used to attack my father?

Cato Fong: Yes. I can honestly say that your father would have been dead many times, if it weren't for my surprise attacks keeping him on his toes, alert to every danger. So I'm available, in case you are considering hiring me in the same capacity I once served your father. Ah, have a fortune cookie.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Jacques puts the dishes down with his chopsticks and picks up the fortune cookie] Mm.

Cato Fong: What does it say?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [reads the fortune] "You will hire an Oriental family friend." Amazing.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [from another room] But what's wrong with my disguise? Dr. Balls said it was his most original creation.

Cato Fong: [the phone rings, and Cato enters the room, disguised as a rabbi; he answers the phone] Mr. Gambrelli's room. It's Commissioner Dreyfus!

Cato Fong: [Jacques enters the room, dressed in a colorful striped bath robe with a marathon label reading "Gambrelli, 2" on the back] Here you are.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Pass me the phone.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Hello? Hel- hel...

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Hello?

[Dreyfus and Jacques try to talk with each other, with some confusion on both sides]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Hello? Wait, no, wait. Hello?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Hello? Hello, Jacques? Where are you? Hello?

[Jacques and Cato struggle as they fall on the floor]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Hello? Jacques, what- what's happening?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Hello?

[Jacques finally takes off his robe and talks to Dreyfus]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Jacques?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes? Oh, is that you, Commissioner?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yes, I'm sorry to do this, but I want you to pack your bags and catch the next plane home.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: What?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: You've become a political, uh, a political hot potato. The French government can't protect you.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: But what about the princess?

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Officially, she is not your concern anymore.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Well, maybe not officially, but unofficially she will always be my concern! Humph!

[Jacques hangs up on Dreyfus]

Cato Fong: I think I'll come with you anyway.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: No, Cato. One hot potato is too much.

Wafiyyah: [removes a sequin from Jacques' fake nose] Oh! It is - Is it...

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Shh, shh!

Wafiyyah: You are - I hate to make a bother, but would you give for me, please, your autograph?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: What?

Wafiyyah: [giggles] I - I do not have the pen. Do you have the pen?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: No, no! Shh!

Wafiyyah: Anyone have a pen?

[the guests throw their pens at her]

Wafiyyah: You write, "To Waffiyah."

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes, yes, but I don't have any paper.

Wafiyyah: Not on paper, here.

[She points to her stomach]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: There?

Wafiyyah: Yes, for my girlfriend. Hurry.

[Jacques autographs Waffiyah's stomach]

Wafiyyah: Oh, quickly! I must finish dance, or Omar will cut off my nipples. Not this, not this!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: What?

Wafiyyah: Gambrelli.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes.

Wafiyyah: No, Clouseau!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Shh, shh!

Wafiyyah: Yes, I see your picture, very beautiful, big smile.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [sees a man in a white tuxedo, carrying a scimitar knife] Could this be Omar?

Wafiyyah: Omar! Hit it, Mufeed!

[the band starts to play]

Col. Al-Durai: [Omar, Col. Al-Durai, and Jacques leave Omar's Oasis through the kitchen door] Come, this way!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Not until you tell me who you are.

Col. Al-Durai: Colonel Al-Durai, Lugash Special Services. I'm here to help you rescue the princess.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Where is the princess?

Col. Al-Durai: She is being held in a desert hideout, about 20 kilometers northeast of Ksar El Kebir.

Omar: You didn't tell me it was going to be like this!

Col. Al-Durai: I didn't know it was...

Omar: I am ruined!

Col. Al-Durai: Going to be like this! You'll be compensated. Where's your car?

Omar: Over there!

Col. Al-Durai: Everyone, in the car, in the car!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [stops the car after he has just run over a sign] Get out and see what that sign says.

Cato Fong: [Cato picks up the sign] It says: "Ksar El Kebir, 175 kilometers." Is that where we're going?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: No, that's where I am going! Bye, Cato!

[Jacques drives off, leaving Cato behind]

Hans Zarba: [Hans enters the room carrying a gun] Come, Yasmin!

Princess Yasmin: Never!

Hans Zarba: We'll make our escape!

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Jacques recites some poetry from memory] "When I am dead, my dearest, sing no sad songs for me. / Plant thou no roses at my head, no shady cypress tree / Be the green grass above me, with showers and dew drops wet, / And if thou wilt remember, and if thou wilt forget."

[Hans shoots at Jacques]

Princess Yasmin: Jacques!

[Yasmin grunts as she struggles to get away from Hans; Cato, who has been hiding in am urn, hits Hans from behind with a brass frying pan]

Hans Zarba: That's it, no more mister nice guy!

[Hans faints to the floor]

Andre (anchorman): Yesterday morning, Princess Yasmin of Lugash was rescued from her kidnappers by Detective Inspector First Class Jacques Clouseau, Jr., the son of France's greatest detective. As for Detective First Class Inspector Clouseau, Jr., the latest medical bulletin has him doing well, and his doctor expects him to be back on duty in a matter of a few weeks.

Maria Gambrelli: Sooner.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Hello!

[Maria laughs]

Maria Gambrelli: You're looking better.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Thank you.

Maria Gambrelli: Darling, Charles and I have something to tell you.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: You're getting married.

Maria Gambrelli: [surprised] How did you know?

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I know because I am a great detective.

[Jacques chuckles]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Right, dad? Huh?

[Jacques kisses Dreyfus, while Maria laughs]

Jacqueline Gambrelli: [Dreyfus stumbles over the reception table at the wedding where he has just married Maria Gambrelli] Oh.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Ha ha.

Jacqueline Gambrelli: Will you forgive me?

Maria Gambrelli: Jacqueline!

Jacqueline Gambrelli: I'm sorry I'm late, mama.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Jacqueline!

Jacqueline Gambrelli: Jacques! Brother!

Jacqueline Gambrelli: Sister!

[Jacques and Jacqueline kiss]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Mama?

Maria Gambrelli: Charles, your head is bleeding.

Jacqueline Gambrelli: Yes, you have received a 'beump'.

[Dreyfus' eye starts twitching when he hears the word "bump" mispronounced]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: How was the island?

Jacqueline Gambrelli: Wonderful!

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: 'Beump'? Maria!

Maria Gambrelli: Oh, Charles, I planned to tell you: I had twins.

[Jacques and Jacqueline spin about, dancing and accidentally kicking Dreyfus in the head]