Gary Johnston Quotes in Team America: World Police (2004)

Gary Johnston: We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong-il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes - assholes who just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way, but the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much, or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves, because pussies are only an inch-and-a-half away from assholes. I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, we are going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit.

Gary Johnston: Jesus, this is a nice limo.

Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my cock.

Lisa: Promise me you'll never die.

Gary Johnston: You know I can't promise that.

Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.

Gary Johnston: I promise I'll never die.

Chris: Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you. And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it?

Gary Johnston: What's your problem with me?

Chris: Yeah, you wanna go?

Joe: Guys, guys, guys! Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do? The war is out there, man! Out there! Now, pull it together!

Gary Johnston: OK, a limosine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.

Spottswoode: Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?

Gary Johnston: No.

Spottswoode: So then, you haven't seen everything.

Gary Johnston: Bak. Derk-derk-Allah. Derka derka, Mohammed Jihad. Haka sherpa-sherpa. Abaka-la.

Terrorist: Ahhh! Derka derka derka!

[Allows Gary into terrorist hideout]

Gary Johnston: Your skills are fading with age, Mrs. Sarandon.

Susan Sarandon: You will die a peasant's death!

Terrorist: What do you know?

Gary Johnston: I heard there might be a large terrorist attack. If you tell me what it is, maybe I could help out.

Terrorist: Get out of here! We have put out a jihad on the infidels because they destroyed our lives. What do you know about pain and sadness?

[Gary pauses, recalls sounds of gorillas roaring]

Gary Johnston: I was just a boy when the infidels came to my village in their Blackhawk helicopters. The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah. Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched. I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed by the fiery black liquid death. In the midst of the chaos, I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help. As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone. It was on that day I put a jihad on them. And if you don't believe it, then you'd better kill me now, because I'll put a jihad on you, too.

Terrorist: I like you. You have balls. I like balls.

Gary Johnston: [Gary sees the limo] Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get inside your limo and let you put your finger inside me. And if I go down on you, I get a movie part.

Spottswoode: Uh, no. I just want to show you something.

Gary Johnston: Yeah I bet you do.

Spottswoode: Please, Gary. I'm not from Hollywood, I'm not going to fuck your mouth, and my time is EXTREMELY valuable!

[Gary gets in the limo]

Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.

Gary Johnston: 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...

Spottswoode: Yes, 91,100.

Joe: Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.

[Deleted Scene]

Gary Johnston: I'm leaving. I'm out.

Spottswoode: No, Gary! You can't leave! We need you now, more than ever!

Gary Johnston: Don't you see what's going on out there? Everyone hates us!

Spottswoode: Hey, now, everyone hated Winnie the Pooh, too.

Gary Johnston: No, they didn't!

Spottswoode: Well, I did. That cocksucking bear killed Jack Kennedy!

Gary Johnston: You can't be serious.

Spottswoode: Oh, I am serious. Look, this is my serious face.

Gary Johnston: I promise.

Gary Johnston: I will never die.

Joe: One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something.

[looks through binoculars]

Gary Johnston: [waving the distress signal towards Joe and Chris] It's me! It's me!

Joe: Looks like he's saying, "Kiss me! Kiss me!"

Chris: Smart-ass motherfucker!

[fires missile at terrorist jeep]

Gary Johnston: But, I thought you weren't gay?

Spottswoode: This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust!

Joe: You remember the signal?

Gary Johnston: [waves arms like crazy]

Gary Johnston: Jesus, this is a nice limo.

Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my cock! Just kidding.

[last lines]

Lisa: Wait a minute! Look!

[a cockroach crawls out of Kim Jong-Il's mouth and towards a spaceship]

Kim Jong Il: You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong-Il! I will return! You shall see. I will be back!

[enters spaceship and launches out of the palace]

Kim Jong Il: So rong, Earthrings!

Gary Johnston: We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong-Il!

Chris: All right, you guys. I hate to break this little party, but there are still a lot of bad guys out there.

Gary Johnston: Well, then let's go show the bad guys the police are back in force.

Lisa: Fuck, yeah.

Gary Johnston: Fuck, yeah.

Gary Johnston: HOLY SHIT! What happened to the base?

Intelligence: It was destroyed by a socialist weasel.

Gary Johnston: I had to come back. C'mon team, let's go!

Joe: Wait a second, can we really trust you?

Chris: Yeah, why the fuck should we trust you, you douchebag?

Chris: Jesus tittyfucking Christ dude, i could have sworn she was telling the truth!

Gary Johnston: That's why they call it acting.

Gary Johnston: Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to let you put your finger in me then I suck your cock and get a movie role!

Lisa: I'm so confused!

Lisa: It's too early for me to be having feelings for you.

Gary Johnston: Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them.

Gary Johnston: We were all out at the zoo one day, I was doing some acting, walking on the railing of the gorilla exhibit. I fell in. Everyone screamed and Tommy jumped in after me, forgetting that he had blueberries in his front pocket. The gorillas just went wild. They jumped all over his body and threw him around like a rag doll to get to those blueberries. One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla who tossed him to another. Everyone panicked and cried out for somebody to help but it was too late. The gorillas beat him to death before the zookeepers could gas them all.

Lisa: Then what about all those things you promised me last night? You said you'd never leave.

Gary Johnston: I said I'd never die. But now I'm... *dead inside*