Gary Quotes in Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)

Gary: [sees Spider-Man] I think I know that guy!

Gary: Don't make me go down there, punk!

Gary: I'm gonna need to see some I.D.

Jack Reacher: Go get Sandy.

Gary: Well, I need to see something.

Jack Reacher: How about the inside of an ambulance?

Gary: [about Finn] I still can't get over the way he just came up out of the water like that.

Eddie: I know. And holding the sword!

Gary: And he just makes this totally perfect toss and the sword lands straight up in the deck.

Eddie: Amazing!

Gary: But it's more than just the sheer power of his raw sexuality. It's the totality of his emotional commitment to the task at hand.

Eddie: Yeah, it's the focus. It's the focus.

Gary: He sees it; he wants it; he goes after it; he gets it.

Eddie: He sure got me.

Tess Finnegan: Do you mind?

Gary: Is it just me or does the jungle make you really, really horny?

Gary: There's something down there.

Paul Serone: That right.

Gary: No, I really mean it.

Paul Serone: I really mean it too.

Gary: You don't know shit about the shit we're in out here!

Gary: [Throwing detention slips on the dead vampires] Detention

[Walks to another body]

Gary: ... detention

[Walks to another body]

Gary: ... detention.

[Throws 2 more slips on the same body. Says quickly]

Gary: Detention, detention.

Gary: [Thinking Buffy is doing drugs] Hey, there's nothing to be afraid of! I know where you're coming from. Believe me. I'll tell you the truth. I've had my drug experiences, too. I did a lot - I did some acid in the Sixties. Well, the late Seventies, actually. It was at a Doobie Brother's concert... and I could see the music flowing into me, it was bright red and electric, and I felt like a big toaster, and I thought, maybe I am a toaster, we're all molecules, and my friend Melissa, her head looked like a big party balloon, and that scared me, I started to freak out...

Gary: I have detention slips here and I'm not afraid to use them.

Gary: [Lothos breaks through the wall] That is definitely *not* a student.

Gary: That was good thinking with that knife back there.

Trey: I thought you'd be mad.

Gary: Oh I am. Hand it over.

Gary: Everybody out, now! Let's go!

Principal Thomas Walker: What are you doing? Are you out of your mind?

Gary: There's another tornado heading this way

Principal Thomas Walker: And you want us to go outside?

Gary: You don't understand.

Allison: Yes you have to.

Principal Thomas Walker: This is a storm shelter for Christ's sake.

Pete: Not for this

Allison: Will you please believe us. We have been out there and we know what this thing can do.

Principal Thomas Walker: I am not going to risk having hundreds of dead people...

Gary: You will have hundreds of dead people if you stay here.

Allison: Sir. I have been studying storms all my life, alright? This one is bigger than any one that has ever been. Do you hear that? It will flatten this building in seconds.

Gary: With or without you, we're getting these people onto those busses right now.

Gary: [after the last tornado has dissipated] Is everyone allright?

Kaitlyn: We're okay.

Gary: Trey, where's Donnie?

Trey: I don't know.

Gary: Get away from the window

Trey: [Tree crashes through the window and alarms go off] TORNADO!

Gary: RUN, RUN!

Milo: Doesn't Bill Gates have something like that?

Gary: Bill Who?

Gary: Would you hold this please, I'll take care of Miss Swanson. Good Evening, right this way please.

Gloria Swanson: Thank you.

Nancy Pryor: Good Evening Miss Swanson.

Gloria Swanson: Good Evening. I mean, good morning!

Gary: Right here, Miss Swanson.

Gloria Swanson: [In reference to her bomb proof case] Oh yes, put it under my feet. Thank you very much.

Gary: It's a pleasure to have with us, Miss Swanson. If there;s anything I can do for you, just let me know.

Gloria Swanson: I shall.

Sister Beatrice: Never mind her Sister, put your ticket away.

Sister Ruth: Yes sister.

Bette: How do you get rid of this jet lag?

Nancy Pryor: You just do. Why you still tired in the mornings?

Bette: Uh-huh.

Nancy Pryor: Give it a couple of months.

Bette: Hey, do we have a sexy crew tonight?

Nancy Pryor: I don't check anymore.

Bette: in any case, it'll be a change from Ogallala, Kansas.

Nancy Pryor: Isn't everything?

Julio: There. You see why I love my job so much?

Gary: Well they sure have all the right equipment.

Julio: But it would be wrong that's for sure!

Nancy Pryor: How are your kids and your wife, Julio?

Julio: Watch out for that one Gary. She's got seniority.

Gary: What about the teenager?

Bette: It's Ms. Teenager please. I'm emancipated and highly skilled in Kung Fu.

Lodge: I've got a new villain lined up. Got it from a friend. Sort of a ninja-swashbuckler... the Shadow.

Joanna: [surprised] The Shadow?

Gary: [confused] The Shadow?

Mark: [scared] The Shadow?

[Mark runs off screaming]

Gary: So, how much experience do I get for the peasant?

Gary: I'm a wild mage. WILD! But you losers can call me "sorceress". That's right. I'm playing a chick.

Leo: Dude, you hot?

Gary: Seventeen charisma.

Leo: Wanna have sex?

Gary: Totally.

Leo: Great! I seduce him, uh her.

[Leo rolls his die]

Leo: Yes! I can totally seduce any homophobe with that roll!

Lodge: We *haven't* started yet. You guys *haven't* met!

Joanna: [after Drazuul moves after Luster's announcement of spell] What happened to the spell?

Gary: No good, Drazuul moves before me, blast me unless I have a barricade or something...

Leo: [Leo looks up with great purpose and realization] Hide behind the pile of dead bards.

Flynn the Fine: [singing] Dear Goblin friends, dear Goblin friends, please hear my song...

[Flynn gets shot with arrows by the Goblins]

Lodge: [rolls] Yeah. Yeah, you're dead.

Gary: [holds stopwatch] At 29 minutes, 42 seconds. New personal best, Leo.

Leo: There are so many places I could put that stopwatch!

Gary: [voice-over] What is that?

Lodge: [voice-over] The Heart of Therin. Legend has it the gem is composed of solid light.

Gary: [voice-over] Can I steal it?

Lodge: [voice-over] Well, considering it is one of the holiest symbols of the church and that the cathedral is swarming with paladins, that would most likely be suicide. Go right ahead.

Gary: [under Plankton's power] Meow... Plankton.

Gary: You always believe in other people, but that's easy. Sooner or later, you gotta believe in yourself, too, because that's what growing up is. It's becoming who you want to be. You have to try.

Gary: It sounds like you guys aren't getting back together any time soon.

Kermit the Frog: [sadly] No.

Mary: This is going to be a *really* short movie.

[from trailer]

Gary: Whoa whoa whoa, wait wait wait, stop!

[looks directly into the camera]

Gary: Are there Muppets in this movie?

[as Gary and Walter prepare to leave for Los Angeles]

Walter: Maybe Kermit will be there!

Gary: I wouldn't get your hopes up, buddy. The Muppets haven't put on a show together in years. I don't think they use the studios for anything but tours anymore.

Walter: I think that's just an Internet rumor, like, "There's a country called Turkey!"

Gary: Walter, how many times do we have to go through this? Turkey is a real place!

Gary: Mary, will you marry me?

Mary: [She looks stunned, then looks at the camera and puts her hands out to each side] Mahna-mahna!

Walter: Either way, we've got to find Kermit! He'll know what to do.

Mary: How do we find Kermit? Nobody's seen him in years.

[Gary, Mary, and Walter pass a man selling Hot Star Maps in front of Pink's Hot Dogs]

Walter: [gasp] Wait, stop the car! I have an idea.

[cut to the trio eating some chili dogs]

Gary: These are delicious! Great idea, Walter.

Mary: So, what do we do now?

Gary: I don't see a doorbell, and the house looks empty.

Walter: Gary, throw me over.

Gary: What?

Walter: Gary, just throw me over already!

Gary: Okay. Okay, here we go, OK...

Walter: One, two, three.

Walter: [Walter grunts as Gary gets ready to throw him over the fence] That's good.

Gary: Sorry.

Walter: No, it's good.

Mary: Guys? I think that's an electric fence.

Walter: Mary, it's Kermit the Frog.

Gary: OK buddy, head down.

Gary, Walter: One, two, three!

[Gary tosses Walter into the electric fence, and Walter screams in pain as he falls to the ground]

Mary: It's an electric fence.

Gary: Yep.

Gary: Oh, my gosh. Walter? Walter, buddy? Walter, can you hear me?

Walter: [in a raspy voice] Throw me again.

Gary: No, I don't... I don't think that's a good idea.

Walter: What kind of throw was that?

Kermit the Frog: Excuse me...

[Angelic choir voices are heard as Walter sees Kermit with a glow of light behind him; the lights and voices are actually coming from a bus that says "Good Shepherd Church Choir: 'O sing, ye righteous!' " on the side]

Kermit the Frog: You okay? That was quite a tumble.

[Walter faints]

[last lines]

Don Verdean: [holding his food tray] Mind if I sit down? My name's Don.

Gary: Hey.

Don Verdean: Your mother named Carol?

Gary: Yeah.

Don Verdean: I know your mother, son.

Brick Top: Pull your tongue out of my arsehole, Gary. Dogs do that. You're not a dog, are ya Gary?

Gary: No, no I'm not.

Brick Top: But you do have all the characteristics of a dog, Gary. All except loyalty.

[Errol zaps Gary]

Turkish: [Voice over] It's rumored that Brick Top's favorite means of dispatch involves a stun gun, a plastic bag, a roll of tape, and a pack of hungry pigs.

Brick Top: [to Errol's companion] You're a ruthless little cunt, Liam, I'll give you that. But I've got no time for grassers.

[John throws a plastic bag over Liam's head and suffocates him]

Brick Top: Feed 'em to the pigs, Errol.

[to the two boxers, who are now staring in horror]

Brick Top: What the fuck are you two looking at?

Brooke: My sister has been through a lot...

Gary: ...of dick!

Gary: What kind of bullshit move was that?

Brooke: I'm sorry, what? What happened?

Gary: Oh don't be coy with me. You sent that animal over here to attack me when I was hung over and weak.

Brooke: Oh no. Look, all I know is The Tone Rangers they needed some place to rehearse so I very clearly told Richard stay in my room, which you explained to me was my space to do with what I want.

Gary: Is that how you want to play it? Cause I'll play it like that. I'll play it like Lionel Richie, all night long, lady. Oh yeah. I'll call some guys from my neck of the woods. And we're not talking about, Brooke, about a couple of queens who know a few grapples. We're talking about Polacks that don't have a goddamn future. That's right. We can make shit real uncomfortable around here, and that's what we're going to do.

Brooke: Please, come on. You know what, you're just embarrassed because Richard kicked your ass.

Gary: Richard did not kick my ass. What Richard did was attack me when I was half asleep.

Brooke: Really, is that how you see it?

Gary: There's a real big gap between getting your ass kicked and having a dancing, singing sprite fool you with trickery and then strike your throat before you even know you're in a fight. But I wouldn't expect someone like you to understand that, because all you do is make moves from up in your ivory tower.

Gary: Listen, Lassie, and listen good. I'm not saying he's not gonna get married. I'm not saying he's not gonna have kids. If it does happen, his wife is gonna come home, and find him with his Tiajuana lover clubbing each other with Yanni's greatest hits.

Gary: It's not about doing the things you love, it's about doing things with the one you love!

Brooke: I just don't know how we got here. Our entire relationship, I have gone above and beyond for you, for us. I've cooked, I've picked your shit up off the floor, I've laid your clothes out for you like you're a four year old. I support you, I supported your work. If we ever had dinner or anything I did the plans, I take care of everything. And I just don't feel like you appreciate any of it. I don't feel you appreciate me. All I want is to know, is for you to show me that you care.

Gary: Why didn't you just say that to me"

Brooke: I tried. I've tried.

Gary: Never like that, you might have said some things that meant to imply that, but I'm not a mind reader...

Brooke: It wouldn't matter you are who you are. Just leave me alone ok? Right now, just shut my door.

Gary: Listen...

Brooke: Alright Gary just please, just leave the room. Gary just... I don't want to be near you right now, please just shut the door, please.

Gary: I'm the one who should be sorry, Brooke. I shouldn't sit here and pick on your art, because you've got the 'nuts' down, Picasso! All you have to do is cut off your frigging ear.

Brooke: That's Van Gogh, you idiot. Your insults are much more effective when they're accurate.

Brooke: What are these?

Brooke: [holds up a bag with 3 lemons]

Gary: You asked for lemons. What my baby wants my baby gets.

Brooke: There are 3 lemons. I asked for 12. Baby wanted 12.

Gary: Couple quick ground rules: Please, don't jump off the bus. Weird. Not fun for anybody. Also, no throwing objects at pedestrians. Unless, of course, they deserve it, okay?

Gary: Fate has me highly skilled and loaded with talent.

Gary: You push yourself and push yourself trying to achieve the impossible, because you know what that moment comes, everything you've done has prepared you for victory!

Gary: "Band of Brothers"... you should rent it sometime

Gary: Please don't touch my ruffles. Put that one back.

Gary: Come on, grab some sky.

Brooke: You're crazy.

Gary: No, I'm not crazy and a lot of times people go "Oh that's crazy!" then they go "It's genious!". That's what happened to the person who invented fire, they burned that witch and guess what, then they got warm and they ate good stuff. Now where are we headed to. Let's not make this weird 'cause I'm not good on dates...

[last lines]

Gary: I'm just saying we shouldn't wait so long the next time before we...

Brooke: Yeah.

Gary: Catch up.

Brooke: We have a lot more to talk about.

Gary: Yeah.

Brooke: So.

Gary: Be good.

Brooke: Okay.

Gary: Bye.

Brooke: Bye.

Gary: Do you think there's a chance your mom won't love you anymore when she sees how badly you're getting beaten right now?

Johnny O: What you gotta do is think real hard and come up with someone who can't be traced to either one of us who can pay a visit to that guy she was with.

Gary: No, I don't want anything to happen to him.

Johnny O: Right.

[winks knowingly]

Johnny O: I understand.

Gary: Is that how you want to play it Brooke? Becasue I can play it like that. I can play it like Lionel Richie, "All night long."

[first lines]

Gary: Come on, come on, come on.

Johnny O: All right, here we go.

Susie: You guys, I'm really going to miss this place.

Coop: Me too.

Ben: Hey, let's all promise that in ten years from today, we'll meet again, and we'll see what kind of people we've blossomed into.

Susie: Yeah!

Ben: What time do you wanna meet?

J.J.: You mean ten years from now?

Coop: Let's meet in the morning so we can make a day of it.

Susie: Okay, so what is it? Is it like 9:00? 9:30?

Coop: Well, let's say 9:00, that way we can be here by 9:30.

McKinley: Well, no, why don't we say 9:30, and then make it your beeswax to be here by 9:30? I mean, we'll all be in our late 20s by then. I just don't see any reason why we can't be places on time.

Gary: Okay, then, it's settled. 9:30 it is. All agreed?

Together: Agreed.

McKinley: Good, because I have something at 11:00.

Gary: You just have like a trapper-keeper full of appointments, right?

McKinley: No, I just have something at 11:00, and I can't change it, because I already moved it twice.

Gene: Now, we need to make 8 gallons of bug juice by snack hour; do you know where the powder packets are?

Gary: [irritated] Yeah.

Gene: In the pantry, above the sink, right next to my bottle of dick cream... Uh, wait, forget that last part.

Gary: Did you say dick cream?

Gene: No! I said next to my... stick... team, you know, stick team! Stickball! Go away, leave me alone!

Gary: McKinley needs to experience "The Ultimate"!

J.J.: You mean, penis-in-vagina?

Gary: No, dickhead - sex.

Gene: Now finish up them taters; I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters.

Gary: Come on - what?

Gene: Finish up the taters.

Gary: And then what did you say?

Gene: And then what did I say?

Gary: You said you were going to... fondle your sweaters.

Gene: Ah, uh - no I didn't. I said... fondue the cheddar... I was thinking about making fondue with cheddar cheese for dinner tonight.

Gary: No, Gene, that is *not* what you said.

Gene: That *is* what I said. Fondue cheddar.

Gary: Hey Abby, I thought this was a different bunk.

Abby Bernstein: No.

Gary: Am I bothering you?

[after shooting each other]

Gary: What the fuck are you doing here?

Barry the Baptist: What the FUCK are YOU doing here?

Gary: Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot?

Barry the Baptist: Oh, you must be the brains of the operation. Yes, guns that fire shot.

Gary: So who's the gov'? Who we doing this for?

Barry the Baptist: You're doing it for me, that's all you need to know. You know because you need to know.

Gary: I see. One of them "on a need to know basis" things is it. Like one of them James Bond films.

Barry the Baptist: Careful. Remember who's giving you this job.

Dean: He's got the guns. Go ahead. You get them.

Gary: Why me?

Dean: You're supposed to be the hard case.

Gary: [shrieks] You get the guns. I drive the car!

Gary: I've just spent 120 quid on me hair. If you think I'm puttin a stockin over me head you're very much mistaken.

Dean: [after seeing Gary holding a candle under the house owner's feet] Whoa, whoa Kenny! What are you doing?

Gary: I am trying to find out where they keep their money!

Dean: You twat! Can't you see these people have got no money? They can't even afford new furniture! We've got the guns, whats the matter with you? Everytime we do a job, you have to go burning people's feet, whats wrong with you?

Gary: Bastard! You fucking bastard!

[Firing at "Hatchet" Harry]

Rudy: Let's have a bachelor party with chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze!

Gary: Yeah! Yeah yeah! All the things that make life worth living for!

Gary: Are you the pimp?

Rajah: Yes.

Gary: You look like Gandhi!

Rajah: I've got girls to sit on your face.

Gary: I just bet my balls and shook on it.

Rajah: And remember, bitches back in 45 minutes, or Milt cuts your balls off!

Gary: Milt, who's Milt?

[a giant thug smashes a window with his head]

Gary: [after being arrested and handcuffed to THE she/male he slept with earlier] NO, NOT HER, SHE PEES STANDING UP, NOT HER!

Gary: Shit! Because it's... it's frustrating, 'cause you don't trust me like I trust you! Because all you wanna do is sit around watching "Game of Thrones" and fantasize about Jaime Lannister! You do! You want to bang the shit out of Jaime Lannister! That's fine! I don't get mad at you, because I get it! Even with one hand, he's beautiful!

Gary: [to Wendy] Sweet bird of paradise! Was that you?

Wednesday: I don't want to be in the pageant.

Gary: Don't you want to help me realize my vision?

Wednesday: Your work is puerile and under-dramatized. You lack any sense of structure, character and the Aristotelian unities.

Gary: Young lady, I am getting just a tad tired of your attitude problem.

[Pugsley hits a bird during archery practice]

Becky: It's an American Bald Eagle!

Gary: But, aren't they extinct?

Wednesday: They are now.

Gary: [to the Campers] Lifesaving! Now I know we're all top-notch, little swimmers, but now we get to show our stuff and earn those certificates! Hey, how about our first little pair of lifesaving buddies? Amanda, Wednesday?

Amanda: Is that your bathing suit?

Wednesday: Is that your overbite?

Gary: Now, one of you will be the drowning victim and the other one gets to be our lifesaver.

Amanda: I'll be the victim!

Wednesday: All your life.

Gary: [blows whistle] Attention! Hey! Listen up, everybody! I'm Gary Granger!

Becky: And I'm Becky Martin-Granger!

Gary: We're the owners and directors here at Camp Chippewa. America's foremost facility for - privileged young adults.

Becky: And we're all here to learn, to grow, and to just plain have fun!

Gary: 'Cause that's what being privileged is all about!

Gary: Yes, indeedy, just the ticket: "Bambi."

Becky: "Lassie Come Home."

Gary: "The Little Mermaid."

Wednesday: Stop it!

Joel: [motioning to Pugsley] He's only a child.

Wednesday: Hurry up!

Pugsley: I'm coming.

Joel: Wait!

Wednesday: Who's there?

Joel: Be careful. Tetanus.

[siren sounds]

Amanda: [walking toward Wednesday, Pugsley and Joel with Gary, Becky and Camp Children] There they are! I saw them sneak out.

Gary: Children, what do you think you're doing?

Wednesday: We have to see our family. It's very important.

Becky: More important than a summer of fun? More important than making new friends? More important than sharing?

Gary: And Joel Glicker. I'm surprised at you.

Joel: I-I have to get out of here. I have allergies.

Becky: [mockingly] Oh, you're allergic? To sunshine and archery and crafts?

Joel: Yes.

Amanda: I think they should be punished.

[starts chanting]

Amanda: Punish!

Camp Children: [chanting along with Amanda] Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish!

Becky: No! No! We are *not* here to punish. We are here to inspire.

Gary: Campers? Do you know what I think are little ninja friends here need? Do you know what just might turn their sad and potentially wasted little lives right all around?

Joel: What?

Camp Children: [singing in unison with Gary, Becky, and Amanda] Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Oh Lord, kumbaya.

Wednesday: What are you in for?

Joel: I wouldn't go horseback riding.

Wednesday: That's all?

Joel: And I wouldn't make a bird house.

Wednesday: Why not?

Joel: I just wanted to read.

Gary: [Pops in and takes Joel's book] Not on my time, four eyes. Ha ha ha ha ha!

[Wednesday reads a letter which she is holding in her hand]

Wednesday: "Dear Wednesday and Pugsley. I love you dearly, but I can never see you again."

Gary: [impatiently] Glicker, go!

[Joel gives up and flings the arrow at the ground]

Becky: Good try!

[Joel goes to the end of the line, as Pugsley takes the bow, and Wednesday finishes reading]

Wednesday: "When you are grown up and very lonely, you will understand. Love, Uncle Fester." He's a dead man.

Gary: Children, stop it! You're destroying my text!

Gary: [opens cabin door] Mail call.

[handing out mail]

Gary: Addams!

Becky: [handing out mail] Barclay, Cesselman, Calloway, Dexter, Donman, Edwards, Evans, Barclay, Finley, Fisher, Gingham, Ginley, Harper.

Wednesday: Oh, no.

Pugsley: What is it?

Wednesday: This is unspeakable.

Becky: Is something wrong, Wednesday? Bad news?

Wednesday: This is the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of human events. Uncle Fester's getting married.

Gary: A wedding? But that's great news!

Amanda: To whom?

Wednesday: The nanny.

Amanda: Get out of the cabin. I mean, I'll kill myself. The help?

Becky: I'm sure she's a very nice lady.

Amanda: I think that's disgusting. I think their whole family's like some weird medical experiment. I think they're like, circus people.

Pugsley: [menacingly] What did you say?

Becky: Campers! Group hug!

Gary: Wednesday... Pugsley. Will a hug hurt us?

Wednesday: We don't hug.

Becky: Oh, they're just shy.

Pugsley: We're not shy.

Wednesday: We're contagious.

Gary: I'm sensing some friction here. Somethin' not quite Chippewa.

Camp Children: Mm-hmm.

Gary: But, hey, no problemo. All they need are good friends, good fun, and a little time in the Harmony Hut.

Gary: Do you know what a psychiatrist is, Ron?

Ron Burgundy: [pause... looks like he's going to cry] Fuck you...

Gary: You know who this is! I'm from Bill Gluckman's office!

Tec: Damn! He's the one that's down with the bitches and hoes!

[akward silence]

Tec: What? you think we ignint just cuz we live in tha hood?

Gary: No, I didn't say that.

Tec: Whatever

Gary: [the building is about to self destruct] I'm gonna save the panda!

[runs offscreen]

Gary: Ahhh!

[runs back on screen]

Gary: Panda's dead!

[runs away]

Leslie: I can't believe Roberta's a prostitute.

Gary: Roberta's not a prostitute.

Leslie: I saw this thing on television about this woman who turned tricks in the city from nine until noon, then went shopping all afternoon. It was years before her husband found out about it. Oh, my God, I've heard that four out of five prostitutes are lesbians.

Gary: Don't you think I would know if my wife was a lesbian?

Leslie: Why? You didn't know she was a prostitute!

Gary: Are you a lesbian? Leslie says that nine out of ten prostitutes are lesbians.

Roberta: Gary, you're not listening to me. I'm not a prostitute or a lesbian!

Leslie: I can't believe the two of you are eating in the middle of a crisis like this.

Gary: We're nervous, what do you want...

Leslie: Then take a Valium like a normal person.

Gary: What are you wearing?

Roberta: A jacket. It used to belong to Jimi Hendrix.

Gary: You bought a used jacket? What are we, poor?

Gary: Susan! What are you doing?

Susan: I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?

Gary: You said you were going to leave!

Susan: All right, good news first. Roberta's not working with the greaseball.

Gary: My wife just got picked up on the lower east side escaping from her gun-toting pimp.

Susan: He's not a pimp. Problem is, he's probably going to try to kill her because he thinks she's me.

Susan: Roberta kept a diary. Great stuff.

[Reading]

Susan: "Couldn't sleep. Went into kitchen. Gary came in, turned on light. Gary left. Finished birthday cake." Pages of it. It's got to be a cover, nobody's life could be this boring!

Gary: You shouldn't be reading that, it's personal.

Susan: Yeah, well it's not about her, it's about me.

[Reading]

Susan: "He's looking for Susan again. This is the fifth ad he's run. Why does he want to see her so badly? Who is she?" And here's my picture.

Gary: I didn't know about all this.

Susan: Between you and me, how much do you really know about Roberta? Why didn't you tell me she read the personals? We could have settled this yesterday.

Gary: She read them all the time. I didn't think...

Susan: Yeah, well, fortunately for everyone, I'm here and I'm thinking.

Gary: Roberta can't be a prostitute she doesn't even like sex that much. It's impossible.

Gary: We need to come up with a slogan. You know, like "Life is like a box of chocolates.", or "Take my hands, boss." like that monster tard off of "Green Mile."

Glen: Hi I'm Glen

Glen: Guess how many fingers I have?

Gary: ten

Glen: no I have eight and two thumbs

Gary: What? Since when did tard become politically incorrect?

David: What are you doing there, Victor?

Victor: Buzz off blimp.

Gary: Come on guys. There's probably nothing there to see anyway.

Victor: Oh yeah? I bet you guys wish you had what I have.

Gary: Four for Earl.

Earl: Four? Are you sure?

David: Half. Give him half.

Gary: Ok, we'll give you another half.

Earl: Gee, thanks guys!

Soda Jerk: She's fine isn't she.

[commenting on Gary staring at Karen after she gets her ice cream]

Gary: Heh! Do you know who she is?

Soda Jerk: Never saw her before in my life.

Rose: How's the pizza world?

Gary: It's round, Rose!

Rick: Any time Pizza Boy! Any time Gary, man!

Gary: You're the biggest loo I've ever met!

Gary: Does she have a pussy?

Sam: Can you just tell me where the G is, please.

Gary: It's right above the clit, inside the pussy.

Ferris: You sort of want me, don't you?

Gary: Ferris, maybe I do, but that's not the point. You see, to you, sex is poetry and phrases and everything you learned in books. You know, but when you're really in love...

Ferris: I am!

Gary: Ferris, I'm not a prince. I'm a teacher. You know, in a year you're gonna look at me and you're gonna wonder how you could have even thought of loving me.

Ferris: That's not true.

Gary: Unfortunately, it is.

Ferris: What if next year I came back and I still felt the same way? I'll be old then. Do you realize that I am almost the only virgin in camp? Every girl knows this secret life except me. Look at it this way. It'd be a learning experience.

Gary: Come on.

Ferris: Where are you going?

Gary: I'm taking you back.

Ferris: Couldn't I spend the night here just for appearances? If I were twenty-one?

Gary: I think I'd fall madly in love with you.

Ferris: Can we talk?

Gary: Yeah, why not? We're lovers now, right? I thought you were a nice person. Sensitive. Just a little goddamn fraud. You owe me an explanation. Talk to me, Ferris.

Ferris: I wanted the girls to like me. I wanted to be in just once. I didn't want to be the rich kid.

Gary: So you made up some ridiculous story that we've been getting it on together?

Ferris: No, no, not exactly. I tried to tell them the truth.

Gary: You didn't try hard enough.

Ferris: Please, Mr. Callahan...

Gary: No "Mr. Callahan." We have been intimate, right?

Ferris: Sort of. I mean, I wish we could have been. I told them things that I wanted to be. It didn't feel like a lie. Sometimes I thought it might really happen. I suppose you don't think much of me now.

Gary: Lloyd, let me just say one thing, since we've stopped. I've worked with a lotta directors, Lloyd. Some of them were geniuses, some of them were bastards. But I've never met one who was so totally and absolutely... I don't know.

Lloyd: Thank you Gary, I'm very touched. Now will you get off the fucking stage?

Dotty: Now I've lost the newspaper!

[exits]

Lloyd: Sardines!

Gary: [to Brooke] I'm sorry about this.

Brooke: [to Gary] That's all right. We don't want the television, do we?

Lloyd: SARDINES!

Dotty: [re-entering] I forgot the sardines.

Brooke: You can't even get the door open.

[and, in fact, Gary can't]

Lloyd: [distant] Hold it.

Frederick: [entering with Belinda] Yes, but this is Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off.

Lloyd: [a little louder] Hold it!

Frederick: We've got the place entirely to ourselves.

Belinda: Look at it.

Lloyd: [Freddy tries to close the door but can't] HOLD IT!

[they continue to try to open or close their respective doors]

Lloyd: And God said HOLD IT!

[they stop]

Lloyd: And they held it. And God saw that it was TERRIBLE!

Gary: Sorry, folks. The door won't open.

Belinda: Sorry, folks, this door won't close.

Lloyd: And God said, "POPPY!"

Frederick: Sorry folks, am I doing something wrong? You know how stupid I am about doors.

Belinda: Freddy, darling, you're doing it perfectly.

Frederick: As long as it wasn't me that broke it.

Lloyd: [Poppy comes on stage] ... And there was Poppy. And God said, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fetch Tim to fix the doors."

[Dotty enters with the detached receiver and a small shovel]

Dotty: I've just come for me sardines.

[Gary yells in surprise, she gives a sarcastic yell back]

Gary: Well, I'm sorry, I thought there was no one here.

Dotty: I'm not here. I don't know where I am.

Gary: I'm from the agency.

[she tries to put the receiver down, but finds that the rest of the phone is missing]

Dotty: Lost the phone now.

Gary: Squire, Squire, Hackem and Dudley.

Dotty: Never lost the phone before.

Gary: I'm Tramplemain.

Dotty: I know, I'll just put it up here in case anyone wants it, look!

[she hangs the receiver on a lampshade]

Gary: Oh, right, thanks. No, no, I just dropped in to go into a few things - well, to check some of the measurements - do one or two odd jobs.

Dotty: Now the plate's gone.

Gary: Oh, and a client: I'm showing a prospective tenant over the house.

Brooke: What's wrong with this door?

[Dotty begins looking under the sofa cushions for the plate]

Gary: She's thinking of renting it, her interest is definitely aroused!

Brooke: [bursting out of the bathroom] That's not the bedroom!

[Dotty looks behind the sofa]

Gary: The bedroom? No, no, no, that's the downstairs bathroom and WC suite! And this is the housekeeper, Mrs. Crocket.

[he walks onto the sardines on the floor]

Dotty: Sardines! Here, sardines!

Brooke: Oh, hi!

Gary: She's not really here.

Dotty: You *stepped* on 'em!

[she pounds Gary's feet with the shovel]

[looking for Selsdon]

Frederick: I'm sure he wouldn't. Not during a tech rehearsal.

Dotty: Half a chance, he would!

Brooke: Would what?

Dotty, Gary, Lloyd: [Gesturing drink in hand] Glck! Glck! Glck!

Frederick: Alright, I see all that.

Lloyd: Oh no.

Frederick: I just don't know why I take them.

Lloyd: Freddy love, why does anyone do anything? Why does that other idiot go out of the front door holding two plates of sardines? I mean, I-I'm not getting at you, love.

Gary: Course not, Lloyd. I mean, why do I? I mean, Jesus, when you come to think about it, why *do* I?

Lloyd: Who knows?

Gary: Who knows. You see, Freddy?

Lloyd: The wellsprings of human action are deep and cloudy. Maybe something happened to you when you were a very, very, very small child that made you frightened to let go of groceries.

Belinda: Or it could be genetic.

Gary: Yes, or it could be... you know.

Lloyd: Could-could well be.

Frederick: Of course, thank you. I understand all that, but...

Lloyd: Freddy love, I'm telling you I don't know. I-I don't think the *author* knows. I don't know why the author came into this industry in the first place. I don't know why any of us came into it.

Frederick: All the same, if you could just give me a reason I could keep in my mind.

Lloyd: Alright, I'll give you a reason then. You carry those groceries into the study, Freddy honey, because it's just slightly after midnight, and we're not going to be finished before we open tomorrow night - Correction. Before we open TONIGHT!

Gary: Is there anyone *else* in the house. Mrs. Clackett?

Dotty: I ain't seen no one, dear.

Gary: Well, I-I thought I heard boxes... I mean I found these voices.

Dotty: Voices? There's no voices 'ere, Love.

Gary: I must've imagined it.

Frederick: Oh my Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d!

[as he yells, an amazing crash is heard backstage]

Gary: [pause] I *beg* your pardon?

Dotty: [She takes a deep breath] Oh my Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d!

[as she yells, she bangs things together and knocks things off tables to make loud noises]

Gary: [Another pause] Why, what is it?

[Brooke has lost one of her contact lenses]

Belinda: Which one is it this time?

Brooke: Left.

Gary: It's the *left* one, everybody!

Poppy: Left one.

Belinda, Poppy, Frederick: [shouting] Left one!

[Everyone starts looking around for it]

Terry: [Paul and Gary are hiding in Terry's apartment] I know you're here, Paul. The doorman told me you just came in. Come out and I won't be mad.

Paul: [sits up on the couch] Did you or did you not fuck a lumberjack by the name of Randy?

Terry: That's none of your business.

Paul: Is that a yes?

Terry: I'm not answering that.

Paul: Oh, for fuck's -- well, all right, well -- What, does he go to the gym alll the time, does he?

Terry: What?

Paul: [picks up a vase of flowers] From Randy?

[smashes the vase]

Paul: I'm gonna rape you!

Gary: [Gary steps out from behind the corner] Hi, Terry.

Terry: Hi, Gary.

Gary: He is not gonna rape you.

Terry: That's a relief. How are you, Gary?

Gary: I'm OK, thanks. I'm gonna just take him home.

Gary: Fuck football, fuck the huskers, and fuck all of you!

Gary: Tell the kids to stick to the path. Bad things happen when you stray from the path!

Paul: [upon hearing that Gary is a clairvoyant] "So, Gary, what do you see for us: Fortune? Great careers? Marriage, maybe?

Gary: DEATH!

Omar: Okay. Let's go find these losers and give the hospital some business.

Gary: What if they're just late? Sure you don't want to wait?

Omar: Gary, you're a poet and you don't even know it. Let me try - roses are red, violets are blue, don't be a pussy, let's get the fuck out of here.

Gary: Gary dreams about kissing someone so hard his mouth hurts. He dreams about kissing someone so soft his heart hurts, so long his neck hurts, so deep his throat hurts. Gary dreams about kissing someone so... completely that nothing hurts.

[from the trailer]

Gary: You spent all the money on junk food? Y'know, some of that was rent money.

Valentino: I thought we paid that last month.

Ben: Play them... don't...

Gary: [finishing his brother's sentence] ... Play with them

Gary: [refers to Jenn after she couldn't get the shotgun to shoot, as he cocks the gun] You should've cocked it sweetheart.

Gary: You belong to me.

Jennifer Tree: Yea.

Gary: Show me.

Gary: I don't have a father. I have an asshole.

Gary: I think he's trying to say it's not politically correct to fuck your sister.

Kevin Cole: We're not even old enough to *vote*, so that's a stupid joke Blitzer.

Gary: I don't like that kid. He smiles too much.

Gary: Hey man, did you get into that Sinead O'Connor concert last night?

Mike Waters: To the Sinead? What?

Gary: You know, the chick with the bald head.

Mike Waters: I've never been to a concert before, dude.

Gary: Dude, if we can't steal from them going into the bar, Dude, we can get them coming out! See, Bob-dude?

Joe: Ah, the dog likes you.

Gary: She has a lot of scars.

Joe: Yeah, but all the others... all the others is dead.

Joe: Hey, there you go. You look like a million bucks. You feel better now?

Gary: [wearing some of Joe's clothes] I fell like a hundred bucks.

[first lines]

Gary: Hey, you old man, you look at me. I got som'in' to say to you. Every time we land someplace new, you say it's gonna be different, but it ain't. You mess up... a lot... then you leave a mess for me and Momma and Dorothy to clean up, and that ain't right. That's all I'm sayin'. Hell, I do what I gotta do. You do whatever the hell you want - whatever you can get away with. You're just a... selfish old drunk. Yeah, that's what you is. Yeah, this place is gonna be after us. Hell, they'll be on you, and they're gonna beat your ass. And I hate to see you go down. You know you're my daddy. You know what you are, ain't you? I'm talking at chu.

[Wade gives a long silent stare]

Gary: What'chu done this time? They'll beat your ass, shit. That's what they're gonna do. You can count on it.

[Wade suddenly slaps Gary then walks away]

[last lines]

Farmer: Then, if everything goes good on that acreage, I'll have you help me supervise the Manea project next summer. Old bastards can be hard to work for sometimes, but, hell, if you worked for Joe, I think you'll do just fine. You got any questions?

Gary: No, sir. When can I start?

Farmer: Right now, if you're ready.

Gary: Yes, sir.

[extends his hand to shake]

Gary: So, you knew Joe?

Farmer: Yeah, sure did. Joe's a good man. Good man to me, anyways.

Gary: He was a good man to me, too.

Gary: In my neighbourhood if you didn't fight you were a fruit. In prison if you didn't fight you spread ass.

Gary: I'm a pitcher not a catcher, and don't you ever forget that.

Margaret: Good night, buttface!

Gary: Good night, you filthy whore!

Gary: Um, I'm kind of having a medical situation. I don't have a belly button.

Gary: Are you saying I'm God?

Margaret: Technically, no. If God is a ten, a theoretical ultimate, that-which-no-greater-can-be-imagined, you're more of a nine.

Gary: So what are you?

Margaret: Humans are sevens. Monkeys are sixes.

Gary: What are the eights?

Margaret: Koalas. They're telepathic. Plus, they control the weather.

Margaret: What's important is that you, you're the big cheese. El Supremo. You could destroy the world with a single thought.

Gary: Hey, is this crack? Do you know how to do it?

[first lines]

Gary: Hey, do you sell crack?

[drug dealer looks confused]

Gary: No, it's cool. I only play a cop on TV.

Margaret: I'll be coming by twice a day to check up on you. I should be the only person coming by. No pals, no buddies, no heroin dealers.

Gary: I don't do heroin.

Margaret: Yeah, crack is classy. Hmmm. But I'm not buying you porn. There's pay-per-view or cable.

Gary: [sarcastically] Great, because I really wasn't concerned about my career, family, or future. I just wanted to jerk off.

Sarah: When I was a little girl, our house caught on fire.

Gary: Oh shit.

Sarah: I'll never forget the look on my father's face as he gathered me up in his arms and raced through the burning building and out onto the pavement. I stood there shivering in my pajamas and watched the whole world go up in flames. And when it was over, I said to myself "is that all there is to a fire?"

Margaret: It's incredible.

Gary: Whenever I see them, it's like... damn...

Margaret: I was born at the wrong time.

Margaret: You're not going to understand this yet, but we've known each other for like twenty-five years. One day when I was twelve, you called me out of the blue and we've been talking ever since.

Gary: Talking?

Margaret: On the phone, usually.

Gary: This is all a dream?

Margaret: No.

Gary: I'm in a coma?

Margaret: No.

Gary: I'm dead? This is hell or purgatorium or something?

Margaret: Okay, purgatorium is where Romans vomited, but no, this is as real as anything can be.

Gary: What does that mean?

Margaret: Everything is what it is. You're not who you think you are.

Margaret: Okay, just so it's said, this house IS flammable.

Gary: I didn't mean to burn down my house.

Margaret: Yeah, and I didn't mean to eat my way into a 10-year shame spiral, but I did. And it's healthier to acknowledge it.

Gary: I'm sure every man and his dog has tried a line on you, but has anyone ever told you you have very sad eyes?

Joanna: Well, yes, they have, Gary. Has anyone ever told you you need a shower?

[Knocking on door]

Gary: No milk today, Thanks.

[Knocking continues]

Gary: Thank you. Now piss off and mind your own FUCKING BUSINESS!

Joanna: You like sharks?

Gary: I like the myths. They have limited memory. Maybe only a minute or two. Sounds like a pretty good life to me. Of course, the downside is they can never stop swimming. Even when they're asleep, they have to keep moving forward, 'cause if they stop even for a moment, they'll die.

Gary: [tauntingly to Nick, about David] He used to pay me to beat you up. Did you know that?

[first lines]

Rox: Back up. Back up, back up. Turn around, turn around.

Gary: Oh, yeah.

[the men wearing masks drive by a couple walking, then the men get out of their vehicle to confront the couple]

Brad: [the cameraman tells the other assailiant] Show her tits! Ha ha ha! Whoo!

[the cameraman notices the boyfriend of the girl charge after them]

Brad: Oh, shit! Run, run, run! Go, go go!

Gary: [the camera cuts to the footage afterwards of the men destroying a building] It's cool, huh?

Fifth Thug: Hell, yeah!

Gary: Damn you woman.

Gary: She's very strong.

Leslie: God you scared me.

Gary: Who were you expecting? The Phantom of the Opera?

Gary: See, even your poet knows virginity is not natural for a grown woman.

Gary: How's the leg?

Pru: It's my stomach actually.

Gary: What's wrong?

Pru: It's nothing.

Gary: Tell me.

Pru: No.

Gary: Tell me!

Pru: I need to go to the toilet.

Gary: Oh. Er, well go then.

Pru: There isn't one.

Gary: We're lost down here and you're worried about going to the toilet?

Pru: Just promise me you won't look.

Kyra: My pills. I think I need my pills.

Gary: We'll get them.

Tom: What? This guy's trying to kill us, and you want to stop for pharmaceuticals?

Gary: [to Kyra] Are you okay?

Tom: Was she ever?

Jamal: Eve thought she saw a snake out there.

Curt: Wait. She saw a snake? Did you get a good look at it?

Eve: It looked like a black snake.

Jamal: A black mamba.

Shelly: A black mamba?

Jamal: Yeah. A big one.

Gary: Those things are like seriously dangerous.

Dana: Should we move camp?

Curt: It wasn't a black mamba. The mamba is an African snake. Only place you're going to see them are zoos and habitats. So we don't need to move. We're fine. Could have been a cottonmouth. They're pretty dangerous as well. Not as bad as a mamba but be careful guys.

Jamal: All I know is, it was big and black.

Eve: Yeah.

Brian: [after coming upon the abandon traffic jam] It looks completely abandon out here.

Gary: I wanna go take a walk

Brian: Are you out of your fucking mind?

Gary: We haven't seen anyone for hours!

Brian: I have a bad feeling about this.

Gary: Fuck this, I'm taking a walk!

[walks off]

Brian: [watches Gary walk off, cock gun] Jesus Christ.