Garfield Quotes in Highlander (1986)

Garfield: You talk funny Nash. Where you from?

Nash: Lots of different places.

Garfield: Are you a faggot, Nash?

Connor MacLeod: Why, Garfield? Cruisin' for a piece of ass?

Garfield: I'll tell you what happened, Russell. You went down to that garage for a blow job. But you didn't want to pay for it.

Connor MacLeod: You're sick.

[Looking at the body lying next to its head]

Garfield: What do you think the cause of death was, Lieutenant?

Garfield: Hey, you spoke, man.

Delgardo: I couldn't think of anything to rhyme with "bomb".

Delgardo: [singing] Show me no mercy, give me no bail! I'm ready and willing to go to jail!

Garfield: Right now!

Baxter Thwaites: I'm not going to send you to jail for two reasons: first, I refuse to make a martyr of you, and second, it is still being redecorated.

Miguel: I can't get the paint, boss!

Rob: Hi, guys...

[Gets no answer]

Rob: How you doing?

[Still no answer]

Rob: Do... you... speak... English?

Garfield: I do, but my comrade will not speak until he can say Cascara is free.

Rob: Is that a political posture or a speech impediment?

Garfield: It's a promise to our people.

Rob: [laughs] Hey, that's terrific. I'm Rob Waring, this is Ben Branch. We're with SpenCo.

Garfield: The ruthless Yankee capitalists.

Rob: Of Houston, Texas.

Jon Arbuckle: What am I gonna do with you?

Garfield: Love me, feed me, never leave me.

Liz: There's nothing wrong with Garfield. He's just a happy, fat, lazy cat.

Garfield: No need for a second opinion.

Garfield: If I didn't have a box over my head, I'd be humiliated.

Garfield: Another day ruined.

[on seeing Odie bringing Jon's paper in for him]

Garfield: Oh, you little suck-up!

[first lines]

Garfield: I hate Mondays.

Garfield: [to mouse after spitting him out] Have you tasted yourself lately?

Louis: Hey, it wasn't exactly the first-class lounge in there for me, either.

Garfield: Get yourself lost, Louis. Take a powder for a couple days, get a haircut, and grow a beard.

Louis: Cool. I owe you one, G.

Garfield: OK, here's the drill. Cats, scratch like you never scratched before. Dogs, bite but don't chew, and rats, see if you can get that pretty necklace around his neck.

[cats & dogs start growling, and rats start squeaking]

Garfield: Canines, felines, and 'vermines', it's showtime!

Jon Arbuckle: [a mouse runs by] Mouse!

Garfield: No thanks, I'm full.

[mouse runs away]

Jon Arbuckle: Get him Garfield!

Garfield: [looks at mouse then back at Jon] Get him Jon.

Nermal: Garfield, Jon's taking Odie on his date with Liz and he's leaving you behind.

Garfield: I know, Nermal.

Nermal: They're off on an adventure and you're still here.

Garfield: And your point is...?

Nermal: Well, that's gotta feel bad, being left by Jon while he takes Odie out, it's like... you're not his favorite anymore!

Garfield: Hey, what do you say we play brain surgeon? Would you go get my power tools? Hmm...

[Garfield sees the truck leaving the house]

Garfield: This is so sad. Jon has completely lost his mind. He doesn't realize how important I am to him.

[Garfield shoves Odie off a chair]

Garfield: Down, dumb dog!

[Odie jumps on Garfield's chair again]

Garfield: Whoa... what part of "no" don't you understand? The push-off-the-chair?

[pushes Odie off the chair]

Garfield: Off! I don't wanna play!

[Odie jumps on Garfield's chair one more time]

Garfield: Look, what am I supposed to say? Thanks, for saving my hide with Luca? Okay, thanks for saving my hide with Luca.

[pushes Odie off the chair]

Garfield: Get off!

Garfield: [Odie throws a pillow at him] oooooohhhhhh... that was a cheap shot

[walks up to odie with the pillow]

Garfield: [gesturing to the pillow] hey, I saw this and I thought... pretty sure it was your...

Garfield: [hits odie] oh, I love to dish it out!

Garfield: Oh, Sleeping Beauty, wake up. You can stop dreaming about me, because I'm here. Now just wake up. You got work to do. You're not just my owner, you're my primary caregiver. Now be a...

Jon Arbuckle: Not now, Garfield.

[Wraps arm around Garfield]

Garfield: [choking] Get- A- Ah- Just- All right. Cut the sweet stuff. Easy now. Just-

[breaks free]

Garfield: Trying to cuddle with me, huh? Trying to avoid your duties, eh? Well, that just ain't gonna fly! It isn't gonna work with me. See, I'm getting my exercise, doin' my job. Just one quick CANNONBALL!

[jumps from TV and hits Jon in the stomach]

Garfield: Morning.

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield!

Garfield: Houston! we have a problem! Odie, get off the pail. Would you get off the pail, please? Alright, time for a new game. It's called "My Claw In Your Butt" game! Come on! Get back here! I'll just use my left claw! If my legs were longer I would have caught you by now! Come back here! Just a second.

[panting]

Garfield: Slow... down...

Garfield: Jon! Jon! Odie is on TV, and he's wearing liederhosen!

Garfield: I think... I'm going to blow cat chow chunks.

Garfield: So much time, and so little... I need to do.

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, did you eat all four boxes of lasagna?

Garfield: [hiccups] It's not my fault. They started it.

Garfield: [after seeing Jon baby talk Odie] Yeah, wish me luck with the nightmares.

Garfield: Poor Odie. He faces a life of torture, neglect and degradation... Hey, nobody gets to mistreat my dog like that except me!

Luca: You're on the wrong side of the street, fat cat. Beat it!

Garfield: And you, Luca. You're on the wrong side of the evolutionary curve.

Garfield: [watching Jon go after a mouse] Its always got to be smashing and crashing. Nobody poisons anymore.

Garfield: [to Jon] I know you can't hear me, but can't you just listen?

Garfield: [talking about Jon to Louis] When he sees you he expects more from me.

Jon Arbuckle: [Liz] She is so beautiful.

Garfield: Uh, Mr Pathetic. You've had a crush on her since high school. Would you please ask her out so she can reject you and we can get on with my life?

Garfield: [to Jon] You went in there to get a date and came out with a dog. That's bad even for you.

Garfield: [seeing a bus] Oh, taxi. Step on it, will you driver?

Garfield: [to a family of rats] Why am I being surrounded here? Some of my best friends are vermin.

Garfield: [to a family of rats] Good luck with the plague and rabies and everything.

Garfield: [after Garfield's been netted by animal control and sees the captive Odie with Happy Chapman] Hey, McGillicuddy. There's an animal felony happening right there behind you.

Garfield: Beep, beep. Cat coming through. Beep, beep. Going through the tunnel

[slides through a lady's legs and makes a sound like a car]

Garfield: . I just had to do that!

Garfield: [Odie in a cage on the train] These are the kind of seats you get when you book at the last minute.

Garfield: [before zapping Happy Chapman with the shock collar] Odie, would you mind sharing the remote, please? Every dog has his day, Happy.

Happy Chapman: [to Garfield] Nice kitty.

Garfield: Let's see what's on the news.

[zaps Happy Chapman with the shock collar]

Garfield: [to Odie after beating Happy Chapman] Strong finish, little buddy.

Garfield: I can do this. Beyond this intersection is just another intersection, and another, and another. On the other hand, I wonder if there's any meatloaf left in the fridge. No, now is not the time for a plate of meatloaf. Now is the time for a plate of courage. Ladies and gentlemen, Garfield has left the cul-de-sac!

Arlene: Garfield, are you alright?

Garfield: I think so. Luca's about to have Odie for lunch.

Arlene: If it wasn't for Odie, you'd be Luca's chew toy.

Nermal: Yeah, he saved your life. Odie's a hero!

Garfield: Why, because I wasn't ripped to shreds? No. Odie's an imbecile until further notice.

Garfield: Jon, you had me a chick magnet, and now you got a tick magnet!

Nermal: Garfield, Jon brought a dog home.

Garfield: I'm aware, Nermal.

Nermal: Why would he do a thing like that?

Garfield: Gee, I don't know, Nermal.

Nermal: Well it just sounds like a weird thing to do, bringing a dog into a house that already has a cat.

Garfield: Can we drop it? I mean it's no big deal. It's just a splattered bug on the windshield of my life.

Nermal: A... bug?

Garfield: A dim-witted, smelly, goofy... splattered bug that I will deal with properly and enthusiastically.

Jon Arbuckle: [to Odie] Come on, boy!

Garfield: As you can see, I'm still Jon's favorite.

Nermal: See you later, Garfield! Good luck with the bug thing!

Garfield: Why, why has this happened? I was the one... it was all about me. Not about some... stupid, sniffling, smelly, high-maintenance... *disco dog!*

Garfield: You just can't do this, Jon. He's trying to tear us apart, don't you see that? You know me. I'm too lazy to try to destroy your house. I was provoked, pushed, prodded, driven mad. You can't kick me out of my own house like I'm some kind of animal!

[Jon closes the door]

Garfield: [scratches the door] Oh come on, Jon. Jon! You know I'm scared of the dark.

Garfield: Sure, Jon. I'll eat all your lasagna for you.

Luca: Hey, what are you looking at?

Garfield: Nothing. Just looking for some company.

Nermal: Keep walking, creepo.

Garfield: What's going on?

Arlene: We know how much you hated Odie. We know how much you wanted him gone.

Garfield: Wait a minute. All I wanted was to sleep in my own bed.

Arlene: And to do it, you cast Odie out into the cold, cruel world?

Nermal: We saw you locked Odie out last night!

Garfield: Gee, I don't believe you guys. I didn't know Odie was gonna run away. He's a dumb dog. No offense, Luca.

Luca: Uh... what?

Garfield: You can't blame me for that.

Nermal: Any one of us could be next.

Arlene: Yeah. There's no room for anybody else in Garfield's world.

Garfield: [after being left alone by Luca, Arlene and Nermal] Oh that was a little traumatic. Well maybe I've been a little... tough in protecting my turf, but, um... I don't hate the guy.

Persnikitty: Will you please keep quiet? God, god! Oh, this really is too much.

Garfield: Hey, Persnikitty! Happy Chapman's cat! What are you doing here?

Persnikitty: I was his cat, until I outlived my purpose. And then he replaced me with a dog and dumped me in this wretched place. All humans are the same.

Garfield: Not my owner. He only does what's best for me. He puts up with me and he feeds me.

Persnikitty: And he lets you vacation in this charming animal pound. Hello.

Garfield: Not for long, Persnikitty.

Persnikitty: Would you please just stop calling me that? My name isn't really Persnikitty. It's Sir Roland.

Garfield: Sir Roland.

Persnikitty: Yeah, that's another one of Happy Chapman's acts of cruelty. I was trained in a classical theater, you know, mm-hmm. But now I'm a celebrity cable castoff cat, with a name I can never live down.

Garfield: Well this may hurt a little, but, I'm trying to rescue the dog that replaced you, Persnikitty... I mean, Roland. Happy and Odie are getting on a train in less than two hours, to become regulars on Good Day New York.

Spanky: Wait a minute. Did I just hear that? You're a cat that's trying to rescue a dog?

Garfield: It's true, I know, it's a crime against nature. At first I thought he was a pain but, he's grown on me like a wart you wanna have removed until you realized it defines you in some funny way.

Persnikitty: You know what, that is absolutely charming.

Spanky: Let me ask you one question, chubby. What are you talking about?

Garfield: How could you understand? He's my friend.

Garfield: Let me tell you something, Happy. To you, Odie might be just a dumb, stupid, smelly dog. But to me,

[Odie barks twice]

Garfield: he's all that and much more. He's my friend.

Garfield: [to Odie] Odie, try something else. Maybe there's a game on.

[Odie presses a button on the remote and a shock causes Happy to do a backflip]

Garfield: Yeah, just one big, happy family.

[notices Odie with him on his chair]

Garfield: Yeah, right. Hit the floor.

[pushes Odie off his chair]

Garfield: No, come on, seriously, you can come up. Come here, buddy, come up.

[Odie climbs on Garfield's chair]

Garfield: Down you go.

Garfield: [pushes Odie off his chair again]

Garfield: We just hit it off so great because we both love the same thing and that is...

[Odie climbs on Garfield's chair one more time and Garfield pushes him off again]

Garfield: me.

Garfield: I've found that if you wait long enough, everything comes to you.

Garfield: [drinking from a bottle of milk] Come to papa, baby!

Garfield: [to his teddy bear] Pookie, cover me. I'm going in.

Luca: You're gonna' get it good today.

Garfield: I make it a point to get it good, everyday.

Liz: You care about him, more than any owner I've ever known.

Garfield: Him has a name. Is this an HMO?

Garfield: [to the animals at the vet's] Don't cry, I know what's it like to be unloved. Well, you do.

Garfield: [at the vet's] Garfield is leaving the building.

Garfield: [Odie] Jon, its not too late. Quickly, turn around, before he finds out where we live! Please, take this trouser snooper back!

Garfield: [Jon, showing Odie the house] Why don't you draw him a map?

Garfield: I don't leave the cul-de-sac for anything.

Garfield: [Odie's in his car seat] Hey, I ride shotgun.

Garfield: [Odie licks Garfield] Oh, great! Dog coodies! Somebody innoculate me, please?

Garfield: I just need a little quality time with man's real best friend, television.

Luca: [Garfield is on Luca's lawn and Luca's off his chain] Oh, I've been waiting years for this.

Garfield: Would that be regular years, or dog years?

Garfield: [Odie] Luca, do me a favor and eat him for me, please?

Garfield: [Garfield and Odie are dancing] I'm walking the dog. You probably should have practiced in the garage before you stepped up to someone of my level.

[repeated line]

Garfield: Oh, my poor nose!

Garfield: [after Garfield banged his nose] Maybe I'll get a CAT scan. A CAT scan?

Garfield: I'll purr like a Ferrari. Make that a Jaguar.

Garfield: [singing] I'm in a New Dog State of Mind.

Garfield: I'll make it up to Odie tomorrow. I'll teach him how to drink out of the toilet.

Garfield: [to Jon] Hey, tall dark and human? What's for breakfast?

Garfield: [Odie's run away] Maybe he's fetching the paper for the neighbors?

Garfield: I'd say the refrigerator is unguarded.

Garfield: [Odie] How can this dog be such a problem when he's not even here anymore?

Garfield: Jon, you're denser than ever!

Garfield: [seeing the real Telegraph Tower] It looks much smaller on the box.

Garfield: [feeling a breeze in the air ducts] That wasn't my stomach, was it?

Garfield: This rescue thing is exhausting. When do heroes get to eat?

Garfield: [to Odie] We kinda got off on the wrong paw.

Garfield: [after being captured by animal control] I have tags, I just left them in my other fur.

Louis: [from a deleted scene when Garfield and Louis use a hot dog vendor's cart to get near Telegraph Tower] Meals on wheels.

Garfield: Don't let anybody see us jumping out; we'd ruin this guy's business.

Garfield: [a deleted portion of Garfield thanking Sir Roland/Persnikitty for helping him escape from the pound] Hey, they could have used you in Alcatraz. I just wanted to say, thanks Your Majesty. And break a leg.

Garfield: [from a deleted scene at the train station where Garfield is looking for Happy Chapman] Now if I were going by train, where would I be. Yeah, the dining cart.

Garfield: [from a deleted scene on the train after Garfield is still dazed from being knocked out by Happy Chapman] Um, Mom? Is that you?

Spanky: I had to see it with my own eyes. A cat saving a dog.

Persnikitty: All for one and one for all.

Garfield: Sir Roland?

Persnikitty: In the fur.

Garfield: What are you guys all doing here? Are you traveling today too?

Spanky: We've been following your scent since the pound.

Garfield: [still dazed] What are you guys all doing here?

Persnikitty: We're here to help.

Dad Rat: [to Garfield] Well, well, well. We meet again.

Mom Rat: I say we eat the fat, arrogant fool.

Garfield: No, no, please let me live!

Louis: [Happy Chapman] Not you, Garfield. Chrome dome over there.

Train station computer.: Collision in 20 seconds.

Garfield: Gosh, you sound like my mother.

Garfield: [Odie] I think I recognise that whine.

Garfield: [to Odie] Can we slow down? I've been doing this running thing all day and I am over it.

Garfield: I'm banged in the nose again.

Garfield: Sir Roland?

Persnikitty: In the fur.

Garfield: [after being reunited with Jon and Liz] You had me at hello.

Garfield: [Nermal, Arlene and Luca are congratulating Garfield for rescuing Odie] Its nice to be recognized by your peers.

[last lines]

Garfield: [Garfield does the splits and can't get up] Oops. Hey Odie, help me. I can't get up. Oh my friend, bring me some ice. Will you hurry up you dumb dog? I'm in pain.

Garfield: [from a deleted scene]

[to Arlene]

Garfield: Well, hello.

Luca: [to himself] Garfield, always working the angles. Thinks he's so slick.

Garfield: [to Arlene] If you have any itches, I'm available for a scratch.

Arlene: Go play in traffic.

Garfield: Alone? Come on, Arlene. I'm a simple cat. All I want is shelter, lasagna and to be loved, for maybe five times a day.

Arlene: Hah! Not in my nine lives.

Luca: In your face, Garfield.

Garfield: Come on Arlene...

[sees a pie on a windowsill]

Garfield: Oh baby, you smell so good.

Arlene: You think I'm gonna fall for a line like that?

Garfield: I can already taste you from here, my love, my desire. I worship you. I dream of you. I'm humbled, and crumbled in your presence.

Arlene: Garfield, I didn't realise your feelings ran so deep.

Garfield: Oh uh... excuse me, baby. Could you wait right here until after I finish my lunch?

Arlene: Huh? Oh, Garfield. You're impossible.

Garfield: [a deleted portion from Garfield and Odie's dance] Walk the porch. I'm walking the dog.

Garfield: Madam, I'm a cat in trouble. I'm hitching a ride in your mumu.

Garfield: I slept like a fat cat.

Garfield: [Jon] Schmuck!

Garfield: Muscle weighs more than fat.

Garfield: [from a deleted scene when Garfield decides to rescue Odie] I could bring him back. Then everyone will know I'm not the insensitive, self-involved, egomaniacal...

[sees his reflection]

Garfield: Owooo, looking good.

Garfield: [a train station] Its just a trainset, only bigger.

Garfield: If it isn't Unhappy Chappy.

Garfield: [Happy Chapman produces the shock collar] Nice accessory, but I don't think I want to play dress-up with you, pal.

[Jon slips on a purple ball]

Garfield: There's my ball.

Garfield: Once again, my life has been saved by the miracle of lasagna.

Garfield: [Garfield is pigging out on flavor blasted Goldfish and then he burps] Ah, and that's a sign that the tank is full.

Garfield: I love the smell of Cinnamon Apple in the morning. It smells like victory.

Garfield: Huh? That's his last name, Schnitzel?

[sees two dogs on a horse-driven cart]

Garfield: Hey, Odie, it's one of those royal corgis.

[also sees the queen on the cart]

Garfield: Hey lady, you got any leftover liver?

[no response from the queen]

Garfield: Ah, stuck-up little punk. Oh, I know she heard it, they had the top down. Odie... Odie?

[Odie starts peeing on a British soldier's foot]

Garfield: D'uh-oh! Odie, no, don't do the ugly American thing!

[soldier looks down at Odie]

Garfield: [running away with Odie from the soldier] The British are coming, the British are coming! Well, you made him crack anyway.

Jon Arbuckle: Liz, will you marry me?

[shows the ring to Liz]

Liz Wilson: Yes.

[Everyone starts clapping]

Garfield: You know a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's.

Jon Arbuckle: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Garfield, what are you doing?

Garfield: I'm security, pal. Just protecting you from yourself.

Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, you've caused enough trouble today. Now you have food, water, and company.

Garfield: [points at Odie] Which one is he?

Jon Arbuckle: Be good.

Garfield: Jon, he's hilarious. Be careful, she's a maneater!

[Jon closes the door]

Garfield: Oh no. He's under her spell.

[Odie still looks for the hamburger in the cabinet]

Garfield: Okay, Odie, I'll give you one small clue... *it's not in there!*

Winston: [End scene, in pool] Great party, sire!

Garfield: Yep. When the going gets tough, the great ones party.

Garfield: [Garfield's round figure prevents him to enter the playhouse, shows signs of struggle] Does this castle make my butt look a little too big?

Winston: [Standing behind Garfield] Fits you like a glove.

Winston: [Garfield strains through the entrance and due to excessive pressure, he emits a fart into Winston's face] Ooh! Blimey.

Garfield: Pardon.

Winston: Well struck, sire. Good tone, smooth finish.

Garfield: Well, you took that in the best spirit, didn't you?

Garfield: I'm the king of the cul-de-sac. That's what I'm talking about. Jon and I have everything I could ever want. Food in the fridge. Cable and satellite. And don't forget, lasagna. That's right. It's good to be king.

[after being served a plate of Carlyle log]

Garfield: Ugh. Does a Great Dane live here?

Winston: It's your Carlyle log, my lord. A savory of liver and spleen served in a sleeve of sheep's intestines.

Garfield: And... you're supposed to eat it? What is this, Fear Factor? Intestines, spleen?

[pushes the plate away]

Garfield: I'm the king, right?

Winston: Prince, actually.

Garfield: Same difference, I rule. Yes?

Winston: Yes, Your Highness.

Garfield: Great. Well, feed this to the humans, and just bring me a piping hot dish of lasagna. Okay?

Winston: I'll see to it at once, sire.

Garfield: Yo, it's lasagna, not shish kebab

Garfield: What do they want, blood? I have been eating and sleeping my heart out for these animals. Still not enough. Like I'm as good as a royal cat could be?

[Garfield and Prince start mirror-playing against a bush doorway]

Garfield: [after Prince collapses face first] Aha! I so... knew you weren't me.

Prince: And you must be Garfield.

Garfield: How do you know my name?

Prince: I've lived your life for the past few days. Yes, if ever a man loved a cat, it's your Jon. Return to him, Garfield. Return to your home.

Garfield: Your Highness, you don't have to tell me twice. Bye-bye.

Preston: It's the real Prince. The genuine article.

Prince: Yes, my friends, I have returned to you at this, our darkest hour. So tell me Winston, what exactly is Lord Dargis up to?

Winston: He intends to level our homes and kill us all.

Prince: O... kay. Well, in that case, I decree that we pack our bags and get our scraggy bottoms out of here. Perhaps to the castle next door.

Garfield: [turns to leave] Oh boy.

Nigel: Well, that was inspirational.

Bolero: Brilliant.

McBunny: I am so fired up.

Garfield: [walking back] You know, I believe we can do better.

Preston: I thought you were leaving.

Garfield: Hey. Button the beak, Froot Loops, or I'll stick that thing on backwards. Look, Lord Doofus is just another bully. And what do we do to bullies?

Meenie: Well, generally, we run from them.

Garfield: [confident] No, we don't leave. We stand and we kick royal butt. Trust me, if you beastsssss can bake a two-cheese lasagna, you can beat Dargis.

Preston: Well, do you have a plan, Garfield?

Garfield: Tell you what. For the duration of this battle I would prefer to be called "G-Cat". And *we*...

[indicating Prince]

Garfield: ... have *two* plans.

Prince: [realizing] Oh teamwork.

Winston: Oyez, oyez. Prince XII has returned.

[ducks trumpet]

Garfield: Thank you windbag, for that flobbering introduction. Hello, everybody!

[animals look in astonishment]

Garfield: Hey, listen up...

[flicks Winston's nose]

Garfield: is this an audience or a landscape? Okay, great to be back here at the palace. I look out, I see a sea of... of dumb barnyard animals. I'm here in your country to break up a romance between the guy who owns the house I live in and a girl who's way out of his league. I know that whatever it is that you have, there's some sort of affliction that produces this glazed look behind your eyes. I hope you defeat it. Wish I could take everybody home with me. Thank you.

[walks away]

Garfield: I killed.

Winston: Very funny, sire. Well done.

Nigel: I didn't realize it was amateur hour.

Eenie: What's up with Prince?

Christophe: Oh, he's on the catnip again.

I, Claudius: Hold on, chaps! Have I got news for you!

McBunny: What's the word, Claudius?

I, Claudius: Dargis is going to bulldoze the barnyard and feed us to the tourists!

Nigel: Let him try. He'll have to deal with these fists of fury first, wouldn't he?

[animals complain]

Winston: Calm yourselves, everyone. We're alright as long as Prince is alive.

McBunny: Well, obviously, that feline is not Prince, you idiots!

Preston: He's not even a cat formerly known as Prince.

[animals argue]

Winston: Wait, he doesn't have to be Prince. He just has to look like him. If he fooled me, he'll fool them.

McBunny: But what's to stop Dargis from getting rid of this cat too?

Winston: McBunny's right. We must protect this cat at all costs. Our fates rely on it.

Garfield: Okay.

[jumps onto the table]

Garfield: Hold it right here, all you animals. What goes on here, Winston?

Winston: We're preparing the royal lasagna, sire. Unless you prefer another dish.

Garfield: Did you say dish? Lasagna's not a dish, windbag. It's a way of life. A state of being one's perfect achievement. What did the Indians serve to the Pilgrims? Lasagna. What did Marie Antoinette scream to the rebel? "Let them eat lasagna." What did Neil Armstrong say when he landed on the moon? "That's one small slice of lasagna." It's not a dish. It's the stuff of dreams. It's the food of the gods. It's what's for lunch.

Winston: Well, it seems we've already mucked it up.

Garfield: You just need a little guidance, that's all.

Veterinary Assistant: They're gonna be fine, Jon.

Jon Arbuckle: You know, Garfield's never stayed in a kennel before, so I'm afriad he might have some separation anxiety.

Veterinary Assistant: [assuring] No. He's probably fast asleep in his cage by now.

[in the cage room, Garfield and Odie are in a cage and Garfield shouts while striking the cage door]

Garfield: YOU HEAR ME WARDEN? I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!

[strikes the cage door again]

Garfield: ANYTHING I SAY CAN AND WILL BE HELD AGAINST ME IN A COURT OF LAW!

[shakes the cage door]

Garfield: AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY TOO, PAL!

[stomps the floor of the cage]

Garfield: AND IF I CAN'T AFFORD ONE, ONE MUST BE PROVIDED FOR ME BY THE COURT!

[Garfield shakes the cage door very hard, causing it to swing open with him on it]

Garfield: NEVER MIND!

[Garfield lets go of the cage door and falls to the floor]

Garfield: I just broke out!

Garfield: [jumps onto a table] We gotta put an end to this torture.

[meaning the soft music]

Garfield: Time for a new DJ.

[switches the track to a loud fast-paced song]

Liz Wilson: [to Jon] Don't let Odie out of your sight they might deport him.

Garfield: [very interested] *Deport* Odie? Ooh, I like this country already! Oops...

[the table tips over and the bag and Garfield fall onto the floor]

Garfield: [getting up] OK, I'm gonna need a litterbox, a Room Service manual and the TV remote and, in that order. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my office.

[walks towards the bathroom]

Jon Arbuckle: [looks into his bag and gets surprised that his clothes are gone] Where are my clothes?

Garfield: [in the toilet] Cool. My very own cat tub.

[turns on the buttwasher and turns it back off immediately after being squirted by water]

Garfield: Gol-ly!

[spits some water out]

Garfield: This is a huge mistake, Jon. One of your biggest. Don't roam. Stay home. Odie and I are not just going on for the ride.

[Odie runs over Garfield and leaps into the car]

Garfield: [spits out some grass] This is actually an intervention.

Garfield: Hey, Mario Andretti. You're driving on the wrong side of the road, and I've got an entire pie in my stomach.

Smithee: Don't worry, Prince. You'll feel better when we get back to Carlyle.

Garfield: Bus driver, pull it over. I've got a pie belch coming that might break windows.

[burps loudly]

Garfield: Aaahh.

[Smithee stops in front of Carlyle Castle, gets out, and opens the door for Garfield]

Smithee: Come on, Prince.

Garfield: [gets out of the car] Yeah, yeah, I used to be known as Prince, but you can just call me, Ga - r - field.

[awestruck by the castle]

Garfield: Wow. Get a load of this dump.

Garfield: Holy cow. I could hear my footsteps. Mom... Dad... I'm home.

Winston: Your highness!

Garfield: You're talking to me, froggy?

Winston: It's me, your trusty servant, Winston.

Garfield: Hey...

[shows off some fighting moves]

Garfield: Warning, I don't fight fair. I scratch, and I bite.

Winston: It's alright, sire. All is well now, your home.

Garfield: Home? A retirement home, a happy home? So what is this... is this an insane asylum? Am I being kidnapped?

Winston: Ha, ha, ha. Very funny, sire. Your loyal subjects await you. They need to be comforted by your word.

Garfield: Hey... trust me, windbag. There's no way I'm gonna give a speech to a bunch of deranged...

Winston: And then of course, following your words, a royal feast.

Garfield: [interested] I think I'm just gonna do a tight two minutes, see if that will calm 'em down, okay?

Garfield: Come, my pumpkin windbag. We're ready to roll.

Winston: Roll? Where to?

Garfield: You know, to the hotel, to Jon.

Winston: Your master? The one who's leaving you for his new wife?

Garfield: He's not leaving me. It's more of a... temporary insanity thing.

Winston: Garfield, your master started a new life. It's time for you to begin yours. Come on, I wanna show you something.

Garfield: Look at this room, for example. How are you gonna liven this place up?

Winston: But sire, this castle is centuries old.

Garfield: It's a museum. It's boring. And you know what's missing when your crib is a museum? It's called fun!

Winston: Fun?

Garfield: It's not that hard, you just need a running start at something. Just... whoa...

Winston: This is gonna end up so badly.

[Garfield slides across the floor and bumps into a table which sends a flower vase falling to the floor]

Garfield: It was already cracked.

Winston: Ha-ha. Nothing escapes you, sire.

Garfield: Yeah, I like the way this feels. You slide, baby. Whoa...

[knocks over a china vase and breaks it]

Garfield: D'uh oh.

Winston: Don't worry about that. That one was cracked as well.

Garfield: [leans against a statue] Oh, I can relax. Oops.

[the statue tips over, knocking down all the other statues in succession]

Dargis: [enters the museum] What the... Oof!

[last statue falls on Dargis]

Dargis: Smithee! Get this thing off me!

Garfield: Oh, let's go try another room.

Winston: Good idea, sire.

Garfield: Careful. That's high-quality American cardboard you're tossing around in there. Beautiful, fellas. Hang the plasma over the slip-and-slide.

Winston: Sire, a word?

Garfield: Jowls, my lad. Guess what your enlightened, all-powerful ruler has brought to the castle.

Preston: Oh, I can't wait to hear this.

Winston: Don't tell me, a Renaissance painting.

Garfield: Foosball, you know, foosball.

Winston: Fo-fo-fo-foosball?

Preston: What do you think this is, a pub?

Garfield: Just because we don't have opposable thumbs, doesn't mean we don't play bargains.

Winston: Yes sire, but I feel your life is in danger.

Garfield: Listen, Winnebago, if I may call you that. When history speaks of me, and she will, I wanna be remembered as the Party Prince.

Winston: As you wish.

Nigel: You chaps know me, I'm no snob, right? But this cat is too much.

Preston: That is an embarrassment to our whole way of life.

Nigel: He's a disgrace to the furry race. "My pillow isn't soft enough, my TV remote won't work..."

Winston: Don't get your knickers in a twist. I know he's a pain in the neck but we just gotta keep him safe till Monday.

[ducks trumpet]

Garfield: Yeah, my loyal and fragrant subjects. Please, thank you. Briefly, I hate Mondays. I hate 'em. Therefore I decree, from this day forward, there will be no more Mondays.

Eenie, Meenie: What?

Garfield: Got it? Today is Tuesday, then. Happy Tuesday, everybody.

Christophe: Yeah, I think he's lost it.

Winston: Like I said, we just gotta keep him safe till Tuesday.

Garfield: You know what, I've got two words for that guy: you're fired.

Winston: If only it were that simple, sire.

Preston: Hogwash! This cat is mocking us at every turn.

Winston: Preston, calm yourself. He's only doing what's best for us.

Preston: How much longer should we sustain this charade?

[Garfield peeks into the door]

Preston: I can't believe this cat is so stupid as to think he is actually erotic.

Winston: Well, he does. And house cat or not, we need him.

Garfield: Wha - ? House cat?

Winston: Just have a little patience.

Preston: Patience? Fine. Admit it, Winston. This buffoon couldn't groom the paws of a real king.

Garfield: Buffoon?

[after being locked in a dungeon by Dargis]

Garfield: [from inside a sack] You creep!

Dargis: There's more than one way to skin a royal cat!

Garfield: I'm not a royal cat, I'm a self-centered house cat! Wait!

[gets out of the sack and runs to the door]

Garfield: Why, you think I'm gonna crack in here? Uh-uh. No. This is gonna be a treat. I'm finally gonna have some quality alone time. I'm gonna write that novel I've been putting off. I'm gonna learn a couple of foreign languages, I'm gonna start a whole new workout regimen. I'm gonna lose all this. Get myself in top physical condition... thank you! Yeah, I love it here. You've done me an enormous favor. Who's laughing now?

[laughs timidly]

Garfield: And there's the time I got hit by that car,

[scratches a line on the wall]

Garfield: and the time I ate that six-day-old halibut.

[scratches another line on the wall]

Garfield: That's only seven lives. I got two more. I'm gonna get out of this.

[a rock falls, creating a hole in the wall]

Garfield: Bingo.

I, Claudius: [pokes his head through the hole] Winston and I have come to your rescue.

Garfield: Took you long enough. What, did you finally hear my stomach growl?

I, Claudius: [enters the dungeon] No, but we heard your tiresome monologue. Bad halibut indeed.

[a rock moves, revealing an escape path from the dungeon]

Winston: Let's get you out of here, your royal highness.

Garfield: Winster.

Winston: The solicitors are here. We have to move quickly.

Garfield: Huh.

Winston: Then we lunge in, your royal highness.

Garfield: Yeah, you can drop that shtik, drool boy. I heard you and the bird. How about the "house cat" part? I love that.

Winston: Oh, all right, all right, so we weren't exactly honest. We had to do it. What would you have done?

Garfield: Save your breath, chubby cheeks. I shall abdicate my throne and return to my TV chair.

Winston: You're our only hope.

Garfield: The only hope of the hopeless.

Garfield: [to Odie] Okay, blockhead. Time to bust out of here and catch up with Jon. First let's grab some chow before I eat your liver,

[in a 'Hannibal Lecter'ish voice]

Garfield: with some fava beans a nice Chianti.

[Garfield and Odie get off the bed]

Garfield: [to housekeeper] Uh, sorry, we left a bit of a mess in the bathroom, thanks.

Garfield: It's good to be king.