Fritz Quotes in Despicable Me 3 (2017)

[from trailer]

Fritz: Excuse me.

Gru: [sighs] Hey, could you...?

[hands Fritz the vacuum wand to a vacuum]

Fritz: Oh, uh, of course. Now, as I was saying...

[vacuum turns into a small rocket]

Gru: Goodbye.

[the rocket launches with Fritz holding onto it]

[from trailer]

Gru: Seriously?

[Fritz limps back]

Fritz: I really must...

[adjusts his spine]

Fritz: ... have a word with you on behalf of your twin brother, Dru.

Gru: Whaa? Twin brother?

Agnes: Twin brother?

Minions: Twin brother?

Fritz: They're using artillery on us!

Hans Gruber: You idiot, it's not the police. It's *him*!

[referring to McClane]

[Riley's Mind World has expanded]

Fear: Hey, I'm liking this new view.

Anger: Friendship Island has expanded. Glad they finally opened that Friendly Argument section.

Sadness: I like Tragic Vampire Romance Island.

Disgust: Fashion Island? Oh, everyone shut up.

Fear: Boy Band Island? Hope that's just a phase.

Joy: Say what you want, I think it's all beautiful.

Fritz: All right. Here you go. Your new expanded console is up and runnin'.

Disgust: Cool! Upgrade!

Fear: Hey!

[Fear touches a button for censoring]

Fear: Whoops, wait. Did I just do that?

Disgust: Hey, guys? What's pub-er-ty?

Joy: I don't know. It's probably not important.

Anger: Whoa, I have access to the entire curse word library! This new console is the - -!

[Fear censors the curse word Anger said]

Fear: Sorry. I did it again. My bad.

Fritz: Hooray, Italian food!

Petunia: I want a sloppy joe!

Fritz: Now sweetie...

Petunia: [slaps him] Don't you sweetie me! I'm going for a drive!

[Petunia leaves through a door, car sounds are heard]

Grandpa Bud: That's funny, she usually takes the Harley.

Max: Fritz! Fritz, get up for God's sake! Get up! They've killed Fritz! They've killed Fritz! Those lousy stinking yellow fairies! Those horrible atrocity-filled vermin! Those despicable animal warmongers! They've killed Fritz! Take that! Take this! Take that, you green slime! You black hearted, short, bow-legged...

Fritz: Max! Max, I'm okay! I'm okay max. Just a scratch. Look I'm all right.

Max: Oh. Oh, damn. There you go again, stepping on my lines, raining on my parade, costing me medals. Oh, damn.

[Accidentally shoots Fritz]

Max: Ohh. Oh, Fritz? Fritz, get up for God's sake! Get up! They've killed Fritz! They've killed Fritz! Those lousy stinking yellow fairies! Those horrible atrocity-filled vermin! Take that! Take that! They killed Fritz!

Uncle Drosselmeier: But there's something I must do first for my nephew.

Clara: Nephew? I didn't know you had a nephew. How old is he?

Fritz: Will we meet him?

Clara: Is he really your nephew or does he just call you uncle like we do?

Fritz: Clara! Clara, guess what! Pavlova caught a mouse! A real big one! Papa found it by the toy castle!

[Arriving back at his dorm room, where his roomates ignore him]

Fritz: Hello men... everybody all busy studyin' for their goddamn exams and all? Hey Fuz, how'd it go with that Dee Dee chick, huh? She's got some bod' you have to admit... ol' Charlene isn't bad either... like, wow! Heinz, you swine, ol' buddy pig, ya groove behind Alvina and get some kicks tonight, huh?

[Scene fades into black]

Fritz: Bastards... you'd think the goddamn exams was the be-all end-all of existence... the cosmic life-force or somethin'. Can't even say a few decent words to a guy... th' bastards... What a bore... take some bennies an' stay up all night with your face stuck in a bunch of books an' your thumbs up your ass... Yes... yes... I remember the time when it was all very inspiring and enlightening... all this history and literature and sociology shit... You think learning is a really big thing an' you become this big fuckin' intellectual and sit around tryin' ta out-intellectual all the other big fuckin' intellectuals... you spend years and years with your nose buried in these goddamn tomes while out there the world is passin' you by... and all the stuff to see and all th' kicks an' girls are all out there... an' ME, a writer ad a poet who should be havin' adventures an' experiencing all the diversities and paradoxes and ironies of life and passin' over all the roads of the world and digging all the cities and towns and rives and oceans... and making all them chicks!

[Imagines naked woman]

Fritz: As a writer and poet it is my duty to get out there and dig the world... to swing with the whole friggin' scene while there's still time!

[Grabs papers]

Fritz: My farting around days are over! From this day on I shall live every day as if yit were my last! Yes! Yes! I must do it! No more the dreary boring classes, the dismal lectures, the sitting around bullshitting with pretentious fat-assed hippies, no more the books, the spoutings of a bunch of old farts who think they know the whole goddamn score!

[Breathes fire]

Fritz: Oh God! What have I done? I've set all my notes and books and stuff on fire and now I can't study for my exams... I'll flunk out and my folks'll be pissed off as hell... I'll get a blanket... the blanket's on fire. We'd better call the fire department.

[We see the roof of Fritz's dorm on fire]

Fritz: Hey, hey, hey, Look at this big fucking gun!

[shoots the toilet]

Fritz: I killed the john! I killed the john!

Fritz: I've been up and down the four corners of this big old world. I've seen it all and I've done it all. I've fought many a good man, and I've laid many a good woman.

Harriet: Hi.

Fritz: How are you?

Harriet: High.

Fritz: [to Schwartz from inside a garbage can] Good evening madam

[laughs]

Winston (Schwartz): Fritz thank God I've found you!

Fritz: Come in and join me Winston my love, it's not very clean looking but it's cozy as a bitch!

Winston (Schwartz): Fritz come out of there, will you please?

Fritz: To hell I say with the fuzz combing the city looking for me!, hey has my picture appeared on tv yet?, have they broadcast the alarm?, have they offered a reward for information leading to my arrest?

Winston (Schwartz): [interrupting him] Don't be so mellow-dramatic you and your illusions of of grandeur,I'm not getting in that filthy, grimy garbage can with you!

Fritz: Ok go fuck yourself!

Fritz: Mother of God, I'm a fucking fugitive!

[the car breaks down; and Fritz gets out to inspect it - he opens the trunk first]

Fritz: No, I knew that - the engine's not here, it's in the back...

[goes to look at the engine]

Winston (Schwartz): What's wrong, Fritz?

Fritz: Well, it's all very complicated Winston, ah, I think it's got the piston rod stuck in the drive shaft... either that or the carburator's rusted out... or something.

Fritz: I know about the race problem - I've studied the race problem!

Duke: You don't know nothing about the race problem! You've got to be a crow to know about the race problem!

[Fritz points to the two pigs]

Fritz: There's the one who keeps the bosses in power! He's the one who's holding you down!

Pig Cop #1: Who, me?

Ralph (Pig Cop #2): You!

Pig Cop #1: No, no, not me, YOU!

[fighting]

Ralph (Pig Cop #2): Not me, YOU!

Pig Cop #1: Fuck you!

Ralph (Pig Cop #2): You first!

Fritz: [yelling at various cops as they chase after him] We shall overcome!

Fritz: You're a motherfucking bitch!

Winston (Schwartz): I see the hard facts of life! I am realistic, something you're incapable of! You'd be better off with one of those stupid little morons like Charlene who you could just sleep with and throw away when you're done! You can't cope with a mature woman!

Fritz: The love you give is equal to the love you get.

Maxie: If it hadn't been for you I would now be in someone else's digestion.

Fritz: You know there's something you should know, so I'm gonna tell you so, don't sweat it, forget it, enjoy the show!

[begins rapping]

Fritz: [Approaching a male and female Dalmation] Pst! I'd like your help with the food and drinks for the party.

Male Dalmation: [nuzzling the female Dalmation] I'm at your disposal, old friend. I'm afraid Kate here is out of the picture though. She's about to present me with some heirs.

Fritz: Congradulations! Thanks, old chum. Oh, by the way, watch out for a couple of weirdos, a kind of crazy red-haired cat and someone I hesitate to call one of us. More like a bat than a dog.

Fritz: Oh, Jesus Christ! Lucifer's a faggot!

Fritz' Old Lady: You're a no-good, Fritz! Whaddya have to say fer yerself?

Fritz: Suck my dick.

Fritz: Hey, you know the most interesting thing about smoking is that it causes excessive perspiration, and a person has to take off all of their clothes, or they could drown to death in their own juices.

Fritz: [smoking a joint] Ahh, the beauty of cannabis.

[to Chita]

Fritz: Doesn't it fill you with joy? The unfettered exuberance, the lust for life? It makes you... wanna drop your phony inhibitions and love your fellow man? Or brother, maybe. Doesn't it? Huh? Don't you kind of see things more clearly, huh?

[Fritz shoves the joint into Chita's mouth]

Fritz: That's right. Take a good, long drag, sis. Now breathe in the smoke. Deep. It'll help clear your sinuses. Hmm?

[both giggle]

Chita: Hey, I feel light-headed. Will it really expand my awareness?

Fritz: Well, you know what they say..."take tea and see."

Fritz: [various "honky" members of the press are trying to screw the "negress" reporter when Fritz steps out of the truck] Ah, freedom of the press.

Crow Reporter: [various white men lying on top of her] Hey, Fritz, baby, want to talk to Walter?

Fritz: Sure. Why not?

[the crow reporter makes her way out of the pile, smacks one of the reporters in the back of the head, and pulls her panties up as an off-screen male reporter speaks to Fritz]

Walter: Fritz... does being the first to set foot on Mars ? golly - kind of give you goose bumps?

Fritz: Ahem. Gentlemen, I've been up and down the four corners of this big old world, and I've seen it all, and I've done it all. I've fought many a good man and laid many a good woman. And I've had riches, fame, and adventure, too. Yes. I've stood eyeball-to-eyeball with death countless times and never, never once squinted. Oh, I've tasted life to the fullest, and still my tortured soul cries out - more! More! Oh, shit! Oh, oh, God, can there be any more?

Crow Reporter: How do it feel, Fritz? I mean, man, like Mars ain't around the corner.

Fritz: Oh, you're so right.

[leading the crow reporter up to the space craft to have sex with her]

Fritz: Hey, would you like to discuss this in private? Gee, you got a lovely pair of eyes.

Crow Reporter: In private?

Fritz: Mm-hmm. Yeah, sure. Listen, doll, I'd kind of like to give you a break. You know, kind of help pay back for what my people did to your people.

Crow Reporter: Yeah? What kind of a break?

Fritz: Well, you know, an exclusive - an inside story.

Fritz: [after a series of flashbacks] This is about the worst life I ever had.

Fritz: My achin' swastika! I thought bein' a nazi was all "zig, zig," and "sieg heil!" This is for shit! I better get my ass the fuck out of here!

Fritz: War is hell!

Fritz: Look I don't know how you can run a business and not be able to cash this miserable pittance of a welfare check, is all.

Morris: [taking a pickle from his pickle jar] If I give you all my money, I will have nothing left to buy with.

Fritz' Old Lady: [after Fritz wakes up from his dream] I oughta get knocked up! I could've had an abortion, no. Mr. "Goodtime Charlie" over there! No, he says "have the baby, we'll get married, I'll take care of ya! What do you take care of? It's a good thing we got Ralphie, otherwise we don't even get welfare! You tell me one thing you ever did for my Ralphie? Ever play with him? Ya ever take him to the ball game? Ya ever take him fishing? How about fishing? Why don't ya take your own son FISHING? You don't even change his kittylitter! Did you know that Dr. Spock has stated very clearly in his book that fathers who are never there usually makes a bad kid! You know what he does most time around the house he sits around and if he's not pickin' his nose, he's jerkin' off! How's that gonna look when he starts kindergarden?

Fritz: Suck my dick, eh?

[Berlin Resistance]

Felice: The 50 best photographers were sent to photograph the most beautiful buildings, they'll destroy everything. Here, for our English friends.

Fritz: Are you crazy, what is this?

Felice: The latest transport lists from Hungary. Have Schmidty photograph them. 'Til tomorrow.

Fritz: Felice. You've lost every sense of danger. That's not good, not for any of us.

Fritz: I owe you an apology.

Gray: Just one?

Fritz: For ruining the funeral.

Gray: Yeah, if it hadn't been for you, that would've been one great day.

Gray: What's your favorite color?

Fritz: Gray.

[last lines]

Fritz: What took you so long?

Fritz: [dragging drunk Gray out of the beer house] I'm taking you home.

Gray: No you're not!

Gray: I am a grown-ass woman. I don't need you to Hollywood me home.

[after Gray is brought home drunk and singing "Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys"]

Fritz: I had nothing to do with it.

Fritz: You will enter Mrs. Van Hoskins' room, through the adjoining room and you will take the jewel case to the basement.

Harry: What if she wakes up and sees me?

Fritz: You will tell her you are smitten with her, that you have have followed her all night, and you will make passionate love to her.

Harry: Couldn't I just kill her?

Fritz: I am afraid one of our guests has lost something.

Eunice: Well, I fail to see how it could possibly be in here unless it crawled here under its own power.

Fritz: Precisely Miss Burns.

Eunice: What are you saying?

Fritz: It appears one of our guests, a wealthy eccentric, has lost his pet snake.

[Eunice screams and jumps onto the bed]

Fritz: Calm yourself, Miss Burns. May I suggest you shut yourself in the bathroom for a few moments while I search your room?

Eunice: What if it's in there?

Fritz: Impossible, madam. Snakes, as you know, live in mortal fear of... tile.

[Eunice scurries into the bathroom]

Fritz: [reaches under bed and pulls out one of the cases] It's all right Miss Burns. You can come out now.

Eunice: What more can they do to me?

Fritz: [Mrs. Van Hoskins approaches] Here she comes now, did you get the jewels out of the hotel?

Harry: Nah, I stashed 'em in 1714, I didn't have time...

Fritz: 1714? What kind of house detective are you? Cannot commit a simple burglary.

Harry: I'm ashamed.

Fritz: Nevermind. I will return the case to her room, while you detain her.

Harry: How do I do that?

Fritz: Use your charm!

[walks away]

Harry: Charm... use your charm.

[as Mrs. Van Hoskins walks by, Harry trips her and she falls]

Fritz: Don't touch his rocks.

Eunice: I'll take care of those.

Fritz: [beaming] Mrs. Van Hoskins! It's so nice to have you back with us.

Mrs. Van Hoskins: Hello, Hans.

Fritz: Fritz.

Mrs. Van Hoskins: What happened to Hans?

Fritz: There is no Hans. Only me, Fritz.

Mrs. Van Hoskins: Oh, what a shame.

C.R. MacNamara: They're staying at the Grand Hotel Potemkin. You know where that is?

Fritz: Yes, sir. It used to be the Great Hotel Goring, and before that, it was the Great Hotel Bismarck.

Dr. Paul Batton: Now listen Fritz, this is no longer Casper, it's a demon. The Devil is alive, he will NEVER tell the truth. Whatever you do, dont fall for it.

Fritz: Dont worry Paul, I wont.

Frederic Lansing: Fritz, your shoes are untied!

[Fritz looks down]

Fritz: Dont listen to him Fritz.

Fritz: I wont.

Frederic Lansing: Fritz, your zippers down.

[Fritz looks down]

Dr. Paul Batton: Dont listen to him Fritz.

Fritz: I wont.

Frederic Lansing: FRITZ... YOUR PANTS ARE DOWN!

Fritz: Oh no you dont, I'm not gonna fall for it this time. Dont worry Paul, I wont listen to him.

Dr. Paul Batton: Pull your pants up Fritz.

Fritz: Oh, so this is Mexico.

[Dr. Paul Batton looks at Fritz, the map, and the tall trees around them, then grabs the map, turns it upside down, and hands it back to Fritz.]

Fritz: Oh, so this is Oregon.

[In a lifeboat]

Dr. Paul Batton: Now what do we do?

Fritz: We can always dive for the Andrea Doria. I know it's around here somewhere.

[Dr. Paul Baton, Fritz, and Kate all run to the sheriff's office.]

Dr. Paul Batton: We've got trouble!

Fritz: Right here in River City!

All: With a capital T and that rhymes with G and that stands for GHOUL!

Kate: We've got Captain Howdy!

Dr. Paul Batton: Right here in Hellview City!

Fritz: With a capital C and that rhymes with Z and that stands for Zom... bie.

Brian: Sally is rather knowledgeable in these areas.

Fritz: You do what Sally says, you end up I think in prison.

Sally: I saw a film the other day about syphilis. Ugh! It was too awful. I couldn't let a man touch me for a week. Is it true you can get it from kissing?

Fritz: Oh, yes. And your king, Henry VIII, got it from Cardinal Wolsey whispering in his ear.

Natalia: That is not, I believe, founded in fact. But from kissing, most decidedly; and from towels, and from cups.

Sally: And of course screwing.

Natalia: Screw-ing, please?

Sally: Oh, uh...

[thinking]

Sally: fornication.

Natalia: For-ni-ca-tion?

Sally: Oh, uh, Bri, darling, what is the German word?

Brian Roberts: I don't remember.

Sally: [thinking] Oh... um... oh yes!

Brian Roberts: Oh, no...

Sally: Bumsen!

Natalia: [appalled] Oh.

Brian Roberts: That would be the one German word you pronounce perfectly.

Sally: Well, I ought to. I spent the entire afternoon bumsening like mad with this ghastly old producer who promised to get me a contract.

[pause]

Sally: Gin, Miss Landauer?

Fritz: I miss those days.

Fritz: Nothing draws a crowd like a public burning.

Fritz: It was the best time to spy out all the beautiful ladies of the village.

Fritz: Fifteen years I'm married to her and only one boy! Such luck nobody should have! I'm sorry. I,-I,-I,-I don't know what to do! I get so upset I don't know what language I'm talking!