Friend Quotes in Van Wilder (2002)

Panos Patakos: How do you put a price on dignity?

Friend: How do you put a price on poonani?

Friend: You kissed her for 20 crowns? Was it worth it? How was it?

Elin: Wicked.

Friend: [in Italian] You got to play with her before you lay her.

Fabrizio: [in Italian] For how long?

Friend: [in Italian] Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.

Fabrizio: [in Italian] How long with your wife?

Friend: [in Italian] Thirty seconds.

Fabrizio: [in Italian, in awe] Lucky!

Evelyn Roy: We're having a little crisis on our hands. We're trying to get Evie to come out with her new friend... Randy?

Friend: Randy's already out, Mrs. Roy.

Friend #2: I don't think that's what she meant.

Friend: God, Evie, if you were going to turn gay, you'd think you could at least choose someone's who's pretty.

Evie: I didn't say I was gay. I said I was in love.

Friend: Um, you know, you should see if you can get that movie on video, Evie. It was pretty good.

Friend: When you get to the alehouse, see a way to get a message to my wife.

Jacob: Anything, Friend. Anything.

Friend: Tell her... tell her I hate her. Tell her I did burn her father's barn. 'Twas payment for forcing our marriage. Tell her I loved her sister. Who I had. Many times. From behind. Like a beautiful prize sow.

Jacob: If I'd have known that, I would have paid you more respect, brother.

Friend: I think I have worked out what God is punishing us for. Everything.

Friend: It does not surprise me that the Devil is an Irishman, though I thought perhaps a little taller.

Friend: You think about a thing before you touch it, am I right?

Whitehead: Is that not usual?

Friend: Not in Essex.

Whitehead: Have you ever looked up?

Friend: Sounds badly paid.

Jacob: I'm going to have a shit.

[Grunting and Panting]

Friend: Sounds like hard work. Is it a boy or a girl?

Jacob: Fuck off! Ah, fucking nettles.

Friend: Yeah. You all right? You've got shit on you as well.

Jacob: Help me up. You never seen a man have a shit before? Go on, fuck off.

Friend: I will not go to second level with you!

The Tabernacle: You are asked to vote at the termination of the trial of George Saden. Final statement from the accused begins.

George Saden: I confess to the charges, but plead mitigation. These thoughts are constructive criticisms. Pyramidical. I try to suppress these thoughts, but they leak out in Second Level through the head-wound of my third death. I was imperfectly repaired. No. That is not true. I think what I think!

Friend: [murmuring] That's more like it! I'm with you, George.

George Saden: I hate you all. I hate you all. I hate you all. Especially me.

[the Tabernacle chimes]

The Tabernacle: Vote, please. Vote, please.

Friend: [to Zed] I'm voting for him, Monster. It won't do any good. Nothing ever does.

[Friend speaks into his ring]

Friend: Absolute acquittal!

Arthur Frayn: You see, our death-wish was devious, and deep. As Zardoz, Zed, I was able to choose your forefathers! It was careful genetic breeding that produced this mutant - this slave who could free his masters! And Friend was my accomplice! Don't you remember the man in the library, Zed?

[a chime is heard]

Arthur Frayn: It was I who led you to the 'Wizard of Oz' book! Ha-hah, it was I who gave you access to the Stone! It was I!

[a chime is heard]

Arthur Frayn: I bred you! I led you!

Zed: And I have looked into the face of the force that put the idea in your mind. You are bred, and led, yourself.

[He strides away, and Friend advances to join Arthur]

Friend: Arthur! We've all been used!

Arthur Frayn: And re-used.

Friend: And abused!

Arthur Frayn: And amused!

May: Friend, I cannot sanction this violence and destruction.

Friend: It's too late, May. There's no going back.

May: Don't destroy the Vortex! Let us renew it. A better breed could prosper here. Given time...

Friend: Time? Wasn't eternity enough?

Zed: [enters suddenly; May wheels to face him] This place is against life. It must die.

[Zed gently grasps May's pistol hand and raises it so that the weapon points right between his eyes]

May: I have my followers. Inseminate us all, and we'll teach you all we know, give you all we have. Perhaps you can break the Tabernacle. Or be broken.

[Friend advances to place his hand on the others', in a triple pact]

Friend: An end to eternity.

May: A higher form.

Zed: Revenge.

Zed: What is it you want?

Friend: Sweet death. Oblivion.

Zed: For yourself, or for the whole Vortex?

Friend: For Everybody. An end to the human race. It has plagued this pretty planet for far too long.

Zed: You stink of despair. Fight back! Fight for death, if that's what you want.

Friend: I thought at first you were the one to help. But it's hopeless. All my powers have gone.

Zed: Where is it? The Tabernacle?

Friend: The Tabernacle... is... I can't remember!

Zed: Who made it? Someone must know how to break it.

Friend: Yes, but you can meet him for yourself! One of our founders, one of the geniuses who discovered immortality.

[Friend goes to the bed of the Old Scientist and, rousing him noisily, shouts]

Friend: We want to die! Hm? What - what's the trick?

Old Scientist: [feebly] Death... death... Talk to May! May!

Friend: [Arjun is frantically playing the piano] You love Ganga

Arjun Saagar: No, I don't love Ganga

Arjun Saagar: Yes you do

Arjun Saagar: I don't!

Friend: You do!

Arjun Saagar: I don't!

Friend: You don't?

Arjun Saagar: I do!

Eldegard: My mother says I mustn't be weak. The Fatherland needs people of steel.

Friend: My mother spent four years here too. Doesn't she remember how awful it is?

Friend: I give you my word.

Sabata: It's pretty difficult to cash that.