Freddie Quotes in The Hard Easy (2006)

Freddie: Kid, were you born stupid or did you learn it somewhere?

Trilby: I have a message for you F.R.O.7. And the message is... DEATH!

Freddie: Well, then you better give me the message.

[Freddie has just met Daffers]

Freddie: [smoothly] Delighted to meet "you", Daffers.

[kisses her hand]

Freddie: I'm afraid I don't have much use for gadgets but...

[looks down her chest]

Freddie: [referring to her robot fly] I like the landing area.

Freddie: I've always wanted to go to - what do you call it? - the U S A!

Freddie: Scotty, you're beggining to turn my color. I think it's time I give you the "French kiss of life!" Don't worry. This will be our little secret!

Scotty, various: Noooooooooooo!

Narrator - American Version: So Freddie grew, and grew, and grew, and grew, and grew, and grew until he reached his adulthood. And then he knew, he knew, he knew, he knew, he knew, he knew. He was not...

Freddie: I am not. I AM NOT!

Frog Chorus/Friends: A frog! He is not a log!

Nessie: [aka the Loch Ness Monster, hears Freddie whistling for her] Freddie! My dear friend's in a spot of bother!

Scotty, various: [Freddie and Scotty are in a cage underwater surrounded by some monsters, then, something in the shadows approaches, all the monsters swim away as Nessie gets close enough, Scotty is amazed] I thought she doesn't exist!

Freddie: [Nessie bends out the bars of the cage with her front flippers, they step out] Dearest old friend... Nessie.

Daffers: Don't you ever get... afraid, Freddie?

Freddie: No. We frogs are very cold-blodded.

Poppy: [Freddie refuses a stormily kiss] Okay, cards on the table! Are you gay?

Freddie: [chuckles] No, just English.

Poppy: It's nice to see you when I'm not half-naked or delirious!

Freddie: I wouldn't speak too soon... is it wrong of me to say that?

Poppy: [talking about all the stuff she has done - including taking revenge] ... Look at me going on and on. You can tell me to shut up anytime.

Freddie: Wow... Remind me never to get on your bad side, but thing is, I am pretty sure you don't have one.

[Poppy and Harriet are fighting as Freddie comes by]

Freddie: Shouldn't you guys be in bikinis for that?

Freddie: There's something about you, Poppy Moore. Every moment I'm with you, I catch my breath.

Freddie: So you backed out of our deal...

Poppy: What deal?

Freddie: That you won't fry my head.

Poppy: Yeah.

[SNIFFLING]

Poppy: but you poached my heart.

Freddie: People fall in love every day, huh? Is that what you said?

Allen: Yeah.

Freddie: Yeah? Well, that's a crock. It doesn't work that way. Look, do you realize how happy you were with her? That is, of course, when you weren't driving yourself crazy. Every day? Come on. Some people will never BE that happy. I'LL never be that happy. What am I talking to you for? You don't know anything.

[Allen is being mobbed by reporters]

Freddie: Allen. You all right?

Allen: Yeah. Get me outta here.

Freddie: Is anyone here from Penthouse Magazine?

Reporters: No.

Freddie: Then we ain't talkin'.

Freddie: [Allen is passed out and laying on the bar in a snack bowl] You see, drinking is a matter of algebraic ratio. How drunk you get is caused by the amount of alcohol you consume in relation to your total body weight. You see my point? It's not that you had too much to drink. You're just too skinny.

[Allen remains comatose]

Freddie: Bartender! Another round for my friend and I here!

Allen: No, no, Freddie. I don't want to get drunk!

Freddie: But you *are* drunk. You see, a sober person would have reached for the pretzels.

Bartender: Is he gonna' be up there all day?

Freddie: I don't know.

Allen: [coming to] Ohhhh... I'm on the bar!

Freddie: Oh, you're on the bar. Here, let me help you down.

[Allen slips and falls to the floor]

Freddie: Uh-oh, you fell.

Allen: You know by the time I got there, she was already gone.

Freddie: Victoria left, huh?

Allen: Yeah. You know why she left Freddie? Because I didn't love her.

Freddie: That bitch.

Freddie: [in Swedish, he is posing as a Swedish doctor looking at the mermaid] Hey babe! I got a twelve inch penis!

[he later reveals that this was from a Swedish porn movie he saw]

[Excitedly waving a Penthouse magazine]

Freddie: They published my letter. Here it is, "A lesbian no more". They published my letter.

Freddie: What you looking at? You never seen a guy who slept with a fish before?

Allen: Freddie, the woman learned how to speak English in a single afternoon.

Freddie: She could probably speak English already. I think she was in shock from bein' arrested y'know?

Allen: Well now, what about that, huh? What about a woman showing up naked in a public place, Freddie?

Freddie: Well I'm for it, of course.

Allen: [comes into the market considerably upbeat after his first night with Madison] Hey, ev'rybody! Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!

[and sings]

Allen: Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-yay - hey, Manuel!/My, oh, my, what a wonderful day... Plenty of sunshine headin' my way/Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-yay!

Allen: [puts a mango on his shoulder and continues singing] Mister Mango on my shoulder... Freddy! dance with me!

[grabs his brother]

Freddie: [trying to pull away] Wait! Not in front of the Teamsters!

Allen: Oh, c'mon, c'mon! They're happy guys!

Freddie: You're a rotten lead!

Freddie: Look, if something works for me I stick with it.

[President Carter on TV]

President Carter: -high inflation. What is the solution?

[TV cuts to commercial for Luke's yard taking place in Roy's yard]

Jeff: You want the solution to inflation? Hi, friends. Marshall Lucky here for New Deal Used Cars, where we're lowering inflation not only by fighting high prices, not only by murdering high prices, but by blowing the living shit out of high prices. Yessir. Here's an example. It's a 1972 Cadillac Coupe DeVille, for sixty-two ninety-nine. That price is too high.

[shoots car]

Jeff: Yessir. Here's another one. It's a Lincoln Continental, Mark IV, 1973. It's loaded. It's got air conditioning. It's got a stereo. It's got white-wall radial tires. It's got power steering, power brakes, power seats, power windows. And a price that is just too high.

[shoots car]

Jeff: Yessir.

[Jim appears on car behind him in costume]

Jim: YAAAAAAHHHH.

Freddie: [on microphone] Look out, Marshall Lucky. It's High Prices.

Jeff: Take this, you dirty ol' High Prices.

["shoots" Jim, who puts on a very convincing act]

Jim: AHHHH. Ya got me Marshall. Ahhhhh...

Jeff: [shocked] Jesus Christ.

[winks at screen]

Jeff: Yessir, that's New Deal Used Cars... Now wait just a Goddamn minute. What the hell is this? Is this a 1974 Mercedes 450SL for *twenty-four thousand dollars*? That's too fucking high.

[blows up car with dynamite. Roy watches at home]

Roy: You sonova bitch.

Jeff: [laughs] Yessir. We blew the shit out of that over-priced motherfucker just the way we blow the shit out of *all* high prices, down here at New Deal Used Cars. So y'all come on down. Did you hear what I said? New Deal Used Cars. So y'all come on down. Did you hear what I said?

[TV cuts back to President]

President Carter: I have heard you, with unmistakable clarity...

Roy: You sonova bitch.

[kicks TV and electrocutes himself]

Adam: [talking to himself in the lavatory] What's wrong with you, come on. Don't be a pussy. You can do this.

Freddie: Dude, don't yell at the little guy. Just take a breath. Relax your toes. It'll come.

Freddie: Time is like an orange. It's round. It repeats itself. Everything happens for a reason.

Freddie: I dream of being in a Las Vegas hotel where all of the towels smell like Downy Fabric Softener.

Freddie: Fat Camp Massacre... this is supposed to be the best movie ever.

Freddie: Is it me or is it The Telegraph crossword?

Madam: Is *what* you or The Telegraph crossword?

Freddie: Getting difficult. Is it getting more difficult to do or is my ability to do it lessening?

Madam: Probably a bit of both.

Freddie: It can't be anal can it?

Madam: No, dear. Not in The Telegraph.

Freddie: Barry! You fuckin' ponce! You think you can just smash my machines?

Barry Ryan: Freddy, you fuckin' ferret. I jus' did, didn' I?

Barry Ryan: [racing his new car] Christ almighty! I got this *shit* on me new car! These *cunts* are dead.

Freddie: [racing his yellow ute] Come on, you fuckin' piece o' canary shit!

Freddie: [Holding a cup of coffee in his hand] I hate coffee.

Freddie: [referring to the baby] Where did it come from?

Polly: I got it for Christmas!

[beat]

Freddie: This Christmas or last Christmas?

Freddie: You can't leave me here sitting in the snow! I'm mad about you... in my own foul way.

Freddie: I always drink, particularly when I'm with you.

Madeleine Damien: Am I that hard to take sober?

Freddie: You're a voluptuous pain in the neck.

Freddie: Beautiful would you mind popping out for a minute?

Ethel Royce: That's just 60 seconds, you better talk fast.

Freddie: I only earn $100 a week and you know I can't live on that.

[Shoeless Joe Jackson is talking to his bat]

Shoeless Joe: Big whop now. Big whop, Betsy; you tell me when.

Freddie: Does it ever answer you, Joe?

Lefty Williams: Probably sleeps with it, too.

Lefty Williams: Lay off, you guys.

Hap Felsch: You crackers stick together, huh?

Swede Risberg: Ask it for a triple, Joe. You hear me?

Freddie: 60 years since the Civil War, Lefty. Ease up.

Hap Felsch: Besides, you guys lost. It was in all the papers.

Freddie: That wouldn't help Jackson none.

[Players laugh]

Lefty Williams: Just leave him be.

Freddie: [teasing surly catcher Ray Schalk] Hey, Ray, Swede and me have a bet. I told him that everyone smiles and is in a good mood sometimes; even you.

Ray Schalk: Go piss up a rope.

Freddie: By the way, Jeannie, what do you charge?

Jeannie Rapp: Freddie... Aw, Freddie... Aw, Freddie... Aw, no, Freddie... Don't spoil it, Freddie, please.

Freddie: Spoil what? Honey, I'm game for anything. I just wanna know how much you charge. It's legitimate, isn't it? I know I have to pay. I'm not too schooled in these thngs, but I know that somewhere along the line, your little hand is going to find its way into my pocket. You're shocked, aren't you, old Dickie, old pal? What do you think she is? You think she's some clean towel that's never been used? My God, Dickie, you think you don't pay? How many times a week does Maria ask you for some money? Money, child, is a necessity, and don't you think that you don't work for it and pay for it. My God, what, what is this? He thinks I'm insulting you. I'm offering you. Hell, look, what's the matter? If I went to one of those fancy restaurants, I'd probably tip the headwaiter, the waiter, the busboy, and a hundred bucks goes flying down the drain--and I couldn't have any more fun than I could with Jeannie here.

Freddie: Say, do you let girls ride with the engineer?

Railroad official: She IS the engineer!

[laughs]

Freddie: So this is Russia, eh?

Railroad official: Da, da.

Freddie: Well, where's the caviar?

Railroad official: You're eating some now in your bread.

Mrs. Marjorie Davies: How did you rest?

Freddie: With one eye open.

Freddie: What I can't figure out if they're protecting us or watching us.

Ambassador Joseph E. Davies: Maybe a little of both.

Freddie: He's just not your kind of people.