Fred Quotes in V for Vendetta (2005)

Fred: [as V enters the TV station] You show me ID, or I'll get Storm Saxon on your ass.

Fred: [V opens up his coat and shows a bomb strapped to his chest] Fucking hell.

Evey Hammond: I can't believe you watch that shit.

Fred: What? Laser Lass is bangin'.

[In a post-credits scene, Fred stands in front of the family portrait]

Fred: Dad, I just wish I could share my accomplishments with you. You mean so much to me and, honestly I've always felt a distance, what with you being on the family island all the time and I just wish you could see how-

[Fred touches the portrait and it opens, revealing a secret room. Inside is a large computer console, two sets of superhero costumes and a plethora of different gadgets. Fred enters the room and looks around. He picks up a pair of underwear]

Fred's Dad: Fred.

[Fred's Dad enters the room to reveal that he is none other than Stan "The Man" Lee]

Fred's Dad: Son.

Fred: Dad.

Fred's Dad: [He picks up the underwear and holds them proudly] I wear 'em front. I wear 'em back.

Fred, Fred's Dad: [Fred joins in] I go inside out. Then I go front and back.

Fred: Dad!

[Fred hugs his father happily]

Fred's Dad: We have a *lot* to talk about!

Hiro: [meeting Tadashi's friends] Honey Lemon? Go Go? Wasabi?

Wasabi: [frustrated] I spilled wasabi on my shirt one time, people. ONE TIME!

Tadashi: [chuckles] Fred's the one who comes up with the nicknames.

Hiro: Uh, who's Fred?

Fred: [appears behind Hiro in his mascot costume] This guy! Right here!

[Hiro yelps and jumps back in alarm]

Fred: Uh-uh! Don't be alarmed.

[opens up the costume's mouth to reveal his face]

Fred: It's just a suit. This is not my real face and body.

[shakes Hiro's hand]

Fred: The name's Fred. School mascot by day. But by night...

[Fred does several impressive moves with the sign he's carrying]

Fred: I am also the school mascot.

Hiro: So what's your major?

Fred: No, no, no. I'm not a student. But I am a MAJOR science enthusiast.

[He sits down and picks up a comic book with a shapeshifter on the cover]

Fred: I've been trying to get Honey to develop a formula that can turn me into a fire-breathing lizard at will. But she says that's, "not science."

Honey Lemon: It's-it's really not.

Fred: Yeah. And I guess the shrink ray I asked Wasabi for isn't "science" either, is it?

Wasabi: Nope.

Fred: Well then, what about, invisible sandwich? Imagine eating a sandwich, but everyone just thinks you're crazy!

Wasabi: Just stop.

Fred: [talking through camera] Hiro, if I could have any superpower right now, it would be the ability to crawl through this camera and give you a big hug.

Fred: Ah, welcome to mi casa! It's French for 'front door'.

Honey Lemon: It's really... not.

Fred: [singing] Six intrepid friends, led by Fred, their leader, Freeeeed! Fred's Angels, mm-mm-mm! Fred's Angels, mm-mm-mm! Harnessing the power of the sun with the ancient amulet they found in the attic! Mmm-m-mm! The amulet is green! Mmm-m-mm! It's prob'ly an emerald...

Wasabi: Fred? I will LASER-HAND you in the face!

Wasabi: [During the car chase] Why is he trying to kill us?

[He sticks his head out the window]

Wasabi: Um, why are you trying to kill us?

Fred: It's classic villain. We've seen too much!

Honey Lemon: Let's not jump to conclusions. We don't KNOW he's trying to kill us.

Fred: [spots a car flying towards them] CAR!

Honey Lemon: HE'S TRYING TO KILL US!

Fred: Super jump! Gravity crush!

[Is blocked by the microbots]

Fred: Falling hard!

Tadashi: Wow, a lot of sweet tech here today. How are you feeling?

Hiro: You're talking to an ex-bot fighter. Takes a lot more than this to rattle me.

Go Go: Yep, he's nervous.

Fred: Oh, you have nothing to fear, little fella.

Honey Lemon: He's so tense.

Hiro: No, I'm not!

Honey Lemon: Relax, Hiro. Your tech is amazing. Tell him, Go Go.

Go Go: Stop whining. Woman up.

Hiro: I'm fine!

Wasabi: What do you need, little man? Deodorant, breath mint, fresh pair of underpants?

Go Go: Underpants? You need serious help.

Wasabi: Hey, I come prepared.

Fred: I haven't done laundry in six months. One pair lasts me four days. I go front, I go back, I go inside out, then I go front and back.

[Wasabi dry-heaves]

Tadashi: Wow, that is both disgusting and awesome.

Go Go: Don't encourage him.

Fred: It's called recycling.

Hiro: Actually, if we're going to catch this guy, I need to upgrade all of you.

Wasabi: Upgrade who now?

Baymax: Those that suffer a loss require support from friends and loved ones.

Fred: [laughs excitedly] Oh-ho yeah, I like where this is heading...

Wasabi: We can't go up against that guy! We're nerds!

Honey Lemon: Hiro, we want to help, but we're just... us.

Hiro: No. You can be WAY more!

Ho: Please, we are friends! Tang Lung is our enemy. Please wait for our boss to come back to decide which one of you will take care of that chinaman. Okay?

[the Japanese fighter spits, which enrages Bob Fred. They start fighting again]

Ho: Ahhhh! Ohh, oh, no, don't, stop it! Oh, ohh, stop it! Stop it!

Boss: STOP IT!

[the fighting stops. Bob Fred spots Colt with the Mob boss and walks over]

Fred: Sensei!

[bows]

Colt: [smirks] Bob's my student.

[first lines]

[Fred and Sam are hacking their way through the Avocado Jungle with machetes, then pause to take stock of their situation]

Fred: We're lost.

Sam: No, we're not - look! Over there!

[the camera zooms in on an avocado hanging from a twig. The two guys approach it, and Sam pulls the avocado into his hand. Fred takes it and stashes away]

Fred: Sam.

Sam: Yeah?

Fred: I think we should head back. We're getting in too deep.

Sam: Oh, don't - Wait a second. What's that I hear? It sounds like... women! Laughing!

Fred: Let's get outta here.

Sam: No, no, come on, man, don't be such a coward. Let's check this out!

[He gleefully pushes the foliage aside and strides forward; Fred follows. A small waterfall roars down into an idyllic scene: a pond filled with gorgeous women who have bare breasts and perfect tans. They are giggling, diving, and splashing around]

Sam: Look at them! They're beautiful! Aren't they the most lovely, sensuous, inviting women you've ever seen?

Fred: Let's get outta here.

Sam: What are you, nuts? Look at them!

Fred: They're dangerous!

Sam: They don't look dangerous.

[a brunette tosses a ball to a blonde. It's all very innocent-seeming]

Sam: They look... lonely.

[Fred looks at him incredulously]

Fred: [whispering] We have to get out of here.

Sam: Yeah? Well, I'm gonna go introduce myself. Yoohoo! Ladies! Ladies!

[a moment later, the Amazons are armed with bows and arrows. Sam falls dead with an astonished look on his face. Fred turns to run, and in a parody of all the clichés, trips and falls - as the Amazons pursue him]

Alcott: Hello, Fred.

Fred: Hi!

Alcott: You were looking at me through the window. Weren't you?

Fred: No, eh, yeah... I...

Alcott: Did you like what you saw?

Fred: Yeah, but I mean...

Alcott: Then why don't you take it?

[she brandishes a knife]

Alcott: Come on, lover boy, get to work.

[he tries to kiss her]

Alcott: No time for that stuff.

Fred: Ok.

[he starts to take off his shirt]

Alcott: Not the shirt, stupid. Get it up or I'll cut it off!

[Professor McGonagall demonstrates a waltz with Ron as her partner]

Professor McGonagall: One-two-three, one-two-three...

Harry: [aside] You're never gonna let him forget this, are you?

Fred, George: [shaking their heads] Never.

Ron: There's no one like Krum! He's like a bird the way he rides the wind! He's more than an athlete! He's an artist.

Ginny: I think you're in love, Ron.

Ron: Shut up!

George: [grabs one of Ron's hands and begins singing] Victor, I love you!

Fred: [grabs Ron's other hand] Victor, I do!

George, Fred, Harry: When we're apart my heart beats only for you!

Professor McGonagall: The house of Godric Gryffindor has commanded the respect of the wizarding world for nearly ten centuries. I will not have you, in one night, besmirching that name by behaving like a babbling, bumbling band of baboons!

Fred: [whispering to George] Try saying that five times fast.

George: [whispering] Babbling, bumbling band of baboons.

Fred: [whispering] Babbling, bumbling band of baboons.

Hermione: It's not going to work.

Fred: Oh yeah?

George: Why's that, Granger?

Hermione: You see this?

[gestures to a glowing circle on the floor]

Hermione: This is an age line. Dumbledore drew it himself.

Fred: So?

Hermione: So a genius like Dumbledore couldn't possibly be fooled by a dodge as pathetically dim witted as an ageing potion.

Fred: Ah, but that's why it's so brilliant!

George: Because it's so pathetically dim witted.

Arthur Weasley: Get out of the kitchen, Ron! Everybody's hungry!

George, Fred: [together] Get out of the kitchen!

Arthur Weasley: [to the twins] Feet off the table!

George, Fred: [together] Feet off the table!

[put feet back on the table]

George: Ready Fred?

Fred: Ready George!

George, Fred: Bottoms up!

[they drink the ageing potion together]

George: Four People will go down...

Fred: But will four come up?

Ginny: Why do have to be so mean?

[after the dragon has run into the teachers stand]

Fred: [yelling] Well done dragon!

Fred: We knew you wouldn't die, Harry!

George: Might lose a leg.

Fred: Or an arm.

George: But pack it in all together?

Fred, George: Never!

Dumbledore: Eternal glory! That's what awaits the student who wins The Triwizard Tournament, but to this that student must survive three tasks. Three EXTREMELY DANGEROUS tasks.

Fred, George: Wicked!

Shaggy: Hey, you guys, look. I know I'm just the dude that carries the bags, but it seems to me we all play an important part in this group. I mean, we're just like a big, delicious banana split. Fred, you're the big banana; Daphne, you're the pastrami and bubble gum-flavoured ice cream; and Velma, you're the sweet-and-sour mustard sauce that goes on top.

Scooby Doo: Mmm-mm.

Shaggy: That sounds pretty good, doesn't it?

Velma: You know what, Shaggy? You've really put it into perspective for me.

Shaggy: Thanks.

Velma: I quit!

Shaggy: NO!

Daphne: No way! You... you can't quit! I was gonna quit in, like, two seconds! And now everyone is gonna totally think I copied off the smart girl!

Fred: Now, wait a minute. wait a minute. Maybe I quit. I do. Yeah, I quit!

Velma: I'm outta here!

Daphne: Good riddance.

Shaggy: Don't... no! Don't go. Come on, guys, don't do this! Please, don't go.

Scooby Doo: Do I quit?

Shaggy: No, Scoob... friends don't quit. Well, it looks like it's just you and me for a while, buddy, old pal.

Fred: This is more embarrassing than the time you started cleaning your beans at Don Knotts' Christmas party.

Velma: I know you. All you care about are swimsuit models.

Fred: Look, I'm a man of substance. Dorky chicks like you turn me on, too.

Fred: Scrappy, I told you no urinating on Daphne.

Scrappy Doo: It was an accident!

Fred: You were marking your territory!

Fred: [in Daphne's body] Hey! I can look at myself naked!

Velma: Oh brother.

Fred: Yo-Yo the bi-atch was like what? And I was like layta on.

Shaggy: Fred.

Fred: Yo. What up, dawg?

[to Scooby]

Fred: And, uh... dog?

Scooby Doo: Keepin' it real.

Scrappy Doo: Scrappy-Dappy-Doo!

Scooby Doo: Hey!

Scrappy Doo: Ghosts don't stand a chance with me! Let me at em. I'll rock 'em and sock 'em.

Fred: Scrappy, for the thousandth time, there's no such things as ghosts!

Scrappy Doo: Sure there are, and when I find them I'll give them a good of puppy power!

[Urinates on Daphne]

Scrappy Doo: Ta-da!

Daphne: Oh, God! He's peeing on me!

Velma: Daphne? Are you okay?

Daphne: I am so over this damsel in distress nonsense.

Fred: Uh, where's Shagster?

Shaggy: Like, I'm right here, man.

Scooby Doo: Me too.

Shaggy: Hey, Scoob, that was fun. Let's grab another skateboard and, like, do it again,man.

Scooby Doo: Yeah.

[laughs]

Shaggy: Hey buddy.

Fred: Shaggy... listen man,someone must have spiked my root beer last night. Talk me down man,talk me down.

Shaggy: Fred,you're a freakin' protoplasmic head.

Fred: I know. But I'm still the best looking protoplasmic head here,I mean.

Fred: Man, we got beats like it was the lizniz on earth, ya know what I'm sayin', G?

Shaggy: [nods, pauses] No.

Fred: How many times do I have to tell you? There is no such thing as ghouls, ghosts, goblins or monsters! Listen up, there is absolutely ABSOLUTELY NO SUCH THING AS...

[monster bursts through glass behind him]

Fred: MONSTER!

Fred: The prince's got his groove on.

Fred: Mr. Mononucleosis, we have hit a clue smorgasboard.

Fred: I'm me!

Daphne: I'm back.

Shaggy: Like, me too.

Velma: Told you so.

Velma: I'm gonna solve this one first.

Fred: Not before I solve it first.

Daphne: You guys are going to look like total,total idiots when you're captured and I'm the one saving you.

Mondavarious: Well done.

Daphne: Fred, do you think that I'm just a pretty face?

Fred: No. I mean... yes. I mean *not fat*. Definitely *not fat*. Is this sort of you're looking for?

Daphne: Fat? Why did you even use that word?

Fred: This is bad.

Shaggy: No doubt.

Fred: Shaggy?

Shaggy: Yeah?

Fred: Who's driving?

Shaggy: Uhh...

[the gang looks back to see who is driving with no one there but Scooby in the passenger seat]

Scooby-Doo: Rello!

Fred: I'm affraid. I'm a wimp, huh?

Daphne: That doesn't make you a wimp. Makes you human.

Daphne: Where is it?

Velma: [mumbling] I gave it to Shaggy and Scooby.

Fred: Ha, that's funny. It sounded like you said you gave it to Shaggy and Scooby.

Daphne: Freddy, are you okay? Wanna talk?

Fred: Talkin's for wimps.

[Fred gets out of the mystery machine]

Fred: It's time for action.

Daphne: They're cheering for us again.

Fred: I always thought that was the best thing in the world. I guess I found something a bit better.

Fred: And the real identity of Ned is...

[Fred pulls Ned's Hair]

Ned: Ow!

Fred: [angrily] Ned!

Fred: Hey! He said my thing that I say!

Fred: You can't fool me with that macho facade. You're just afraid to show your sensitive side.

Black Knight Ghost: Oh... you've touched my inner child... and he's REALLY MAD!

Shaggy: [trying to act like Fred, Daphne, and Velma and reading fax paper upside down] What markings are these?

Fred: [turns fax right side up] Words

Shaggy: Ah, words

Fred: They're totally having a montage in there without us.

Fred: Why don't we blow it up?

Calvin Bouchard: Listen, nephew. There's a $2-1/2 million turbine that's not gonna go up in smoke because of some damn fish! Shut the pumps down!

Marco: Hey! No admittance without a garage pass!

Fred: Oh, it's OK! Lightning McQueen knows me!

Mario Andretti: [approaching] Hey, Marco! Lovely day for a race, isn't it?

Marco: Absolutely, Mr. Andretti!

Mario Andretti: And good morning to you, uh...

[glances at Fred's license plate]

Mario Andretti: Fred.

Fred: AHH! Mario Andretti knows my name! You have to let me in now!

Marco: Sorry, buddy.

Fred: [voiceover] What does a scanner see? Into the head? Down into the heart? Does it see into me? Into us? Clearly or darkly? I hope it sees clearly because I can't any longer see into myself. I see only murk. I hope for everyone's sake the scanners do better, because if the scanner sees only darkly the way I do, then I'm cursed and cursed again.

[last lines]

Fred: I saw death rising from the earth, from the ground itself, in one blue field.

[picks up a blue flower]

Fred: A present for my friends... at Thanksgiving.

Fred: D... Substance D. "D" is dumbness, and despair, desertion-desertion of you from your friends, your friends from you, everyone from everyone. Isolation and loneliness... and hating and suspecting each other, "D" is finally death. Slow death from the head down. Well... that's it.

Fred: Hey Donna, do you like cats?

Donna: Drippy little things, moving along, about a foot above the ground.

Fred: Above? You mean ON the ground?

Donna: Just dripping, behind furniture. Little spring flowers with blue in them might come up first.

Fred: Yeah...

Donna: What if someone stomps on them and they're all gone?

Fred: It's like you know me. You can read me.

Fred: What does a scanner see? Into the head? Into the heart? Does it see into me? Clearly? Or darkly?

Fred: [voiceover] Crazy job they gave me. But if I wasn't doing it, someone else would be. And they might get it wrong. They might set Arctor up, plant drugs on him and collect a reward. Better it be me, despite the disadvantages. Just protecting everyone from Barris is justification in itself. What the hell am I talking about? I must be nuts. I know Bob Arctor. He's a good person. He's up to nothing. At least nothing too bad. In fact, he works for the Orange County Sheriff's office covertly, which is probably why Barris is after him. But that wouldn't explain why the Orange County Sheriff's office is after him. Something big is definitely going down in this house. This rundown, rubble-filled house with its weed patch yard and cat box that never gets emptied. What a waste of a truly good house. So much could be done with it. A family and children could live here. It was designed for that. Such a waste. They ought to confiscate it and put it to better use. I'm supposed to act like they aren't here. Assuming there's a "they" at all. It may just be my imagination. Whatever it is that's watching, it's not human, unlike little dark eyed Donna. It doesn't ever blink. What does a scanner see? Into the head? Down into the heart? Does it see into me, into us? Clearly or darkly? I hope it sees clearly, because I can't any longer see into myself. I see only murk. I hope for everyone's sake the scanners do better. Because if the scanner sees only darkly, the way I do, then I'm cursed and cursed again. I'll only wind up dead this way, knowing very little, and getting that little fragment wrong too.

Fred: Whatever it is that's watching... it isn't human.

Medical Deputy #2: Damage has taken place to the normally dominant left hemisphere, and the right hemisphere is attempting to compensate.

Fred: The two hemisphere in my brain... are competing?

Medical Deputy #2, Medical Deputy #1: [in unison] Yes.

Medical Deputy #1: You know, Fred, if you keep your sense of humor like you do, you just might make it.

Fred: Make it? Make what? The team? The chick? Make good? Make do? Make out? Make sense? Make money? Make time? Define your terms. The Latin for 'make' is facere, which always reminds me of fuckere, which is Latin for 'to fuck', and I have been getting jack shit in that department as of late.

Fred: I'm not going to tell you first what I do as undercover officer engaged in tracking down dealers and the source of their illegal drugs in the streets of our cities ad corridors of our schools here in Orange County. I'm going to tell you what I'm afraid of.

Freck: [twitching horribly] Okay, if you guys are gonna kill eac hother, I'm s-splitting! It's getting very fucked up over here!

Fred: Freck, the most dangerous kind of person is the one who's afraid of his own shadow.

Freck: What is that supposed to mean?

Barris: It means, Freckles, that if you take too much of that stuff, not only are you going to start seeing and feeling buggy bugs all over yourself but you're also gonna start talking like...

[makes quacking sounds]

Barris: And no one can understand you.

Fred: What did you say, Barris? I didn't understand you.

[Barris softly quacks to Fred and then louder at Freck]

Freck: You guys are fucked up!

Barris: [imitating Frecks in a raspy twitching voice] Oh no. It is you ga ga goo that are fuck upted up!

[Freck leaves and Luckman throws a rock to the ground]

Luckman: Go Freck yourself!

Barris: [in a high pitched voice] "Don't take the car, you'll kill yourselves! Ye gogh gogh gogh gogh!"

Luckman: This proves you got somebody out to get you real bad Bob. I just hope that the house is still there when you get back.

Fred: Yeah I didn't think of that.

Barris: I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Luckman: You wouldn't! Christ! They may have broken in and ripped off all we got. All Bob's got anyhow. What if they stomp the animals?

Barris: Don't worry about it. I left a little surprise for 'em.

Fred: What?

Barris: Yes. Anyone entering the house while we were gone today will receive a little surprise. A little something I perfected earlier this morning.

Fred: What kind of surprise? It's my house Jim, you should ask me before you start wiring up my house.

Barris: Why would you get so uptight about protecting your house from intruders? Why would you care?

Fred: I'm just saying it's my house, that's all. You can't start going around booby trapping my house.

Barris: Okay, okay! I mean jeez. Or as the Germans would say "leise" which translates to "be cool". Just be cool.

Fred: I'd say Arctor is doomed if he's up to something. And I have a hunch from what you're saying that he is.

Fred: So there is no sheep here, is there?

[pause]

Fred: Was I close?

Fred: I'm not going to tell you first what I do as undercover officer engaged in tracking down dealers and the source of their illegal drugs in the streets of our cities and the corridors of our schools here in Orange County. I'm going to tell you what I'm afraid of.

Barris: If I'd known it was harmless...

Luckman, Fred, Barris: [together] I would have killed it myself!

Fred: A Merry Christmas to you, uncle!

Ebenezer Scrooge: Bah! Humbug... What reason have you to be merry? You're poor enough.

Fred: What reason have you to be so dismal? You're rich enough.

Ebenezer Scrooge: BAH! Humbug!

Fred's Wife: [playing an animal guessing game] Is it a horse?

Fred: No.

Guest #3: A cow?

Fred: No.

Guest #4: A dog?

Fred: No.

Guest #5: An ass?

Fred: Well... yes, and no...

Fred's Wife: Oh, I got it, Fred! It's your Uncle Scrooge!

Fred: Yes!

Fred: Don't be cross, Uncle!

Ebenezer Scrooge: What else can I be when I live in such a world of fools as this? Merry Christmas! Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer; a time for balancing your books and having every item in 'em through a round dozen of months presented dead against you? If I could work my will, every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!

Fred: Uncle!

Ebenezer Scrooge: Nephew! Keep Christmas in your own way, and let me keep it in mine.

Fred: But you don't keep it!

Ebenezer Scrooge: Let me leave it alone, then. Much good may it do you! Much good it has ever done you!

Fred: There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say, Christmas among the rest. But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round - apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that - as a good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!

[Cratchit applauds]

[English version]

Bee: Oh dear me! You look like you're really in trouble.

Fred: All my life I've been hauling flowersacks - thousands! Day in and day out - and now this? I don't even want to think about it.

Bee: Maybe I can help? Pull yourself together, all right?

Fred: You're the one to talk - what do you know? You can just buzz off when things get rough.

Bruce: You have no idea what I want. What is chess, do you think? Those who play for fun or not at all dismiss it as a game. The ones who devote their lives to it for the most part insist that it's a science. It's neither. Bobby Fischer got underneath it like no one before and found at its center, art. I spent my life trying to play like him. Most of these guys have. But we're like forgers. We're competent fakes. His successor wasn't here tonight. He wasn't here. He is asleep in his room in your house. Your son creates like Fischer. He sees like him, inside.

Fred: You can tell this by watching him play some drunks in the park?

Bruce: Yes. You want to know what I want. I'll tell you what I want. I want back what Bobby Fischer took with him when he disappeared.

Fred: He's better at this than I've ever been at anything in my life. He's better at this than you'll ever be, at anything. My son has a gift. He has a gift, and when you acknowledge that, then maybe we will have something to talk about.

Bonnie: He's not afraid of losing. He's afraid of losing your love. How many ball players grow up afraid of losing their fathers' love every time they come up to the plate?

Fred: All of them!

Bonnie: He knows you disapprove of him. He knows you think he's weak. But he's not weak. He's decent. And if you or Bruce or anyone else tries to beat that out of him, I swear to God I'll take him away.

Bruce Pandolfini: His chess ideas are like pieces of his body he's reluctant to give up. For instance, he simply can't cope with being told not to bring his queen out too early in the game. Why shouldn't he? He's won many a game in Washington Square doing exactly that, why is this suddenly wrong?

Fred: Try getting him to brush his teeth sometime.

Bruce Pandolfini: What I'm trying to teach him and what he's learning there are two very different things. Park hustlers play tactics, not position. They rely on wild, unpredictable moves meant to intimidate their opponent. Great in a two-minute speed game for drug money, but it'll cost Josh dearly in real games.

Fred: Well, he's learning some new words!

Bruce Pandolfini: I was wondering if you could keep him from playing there so much.

Fred: Sure.

Bonnie: No. It'd kill him not to play in the park. He loves it.

Bruce Pandolfini: It just makes my job harder.

Bonnie: Then your job's harder.

Josh: Can we go to the dealerships now?

Fred: But the game's not over, yet.

Josh: Yes, it is.

Dad with Beard: If your son wins this game and my son wins his, they'll be playing together.

Fred: [normal tone] Wow. I can hardly wait.

Dad with Beard: [getting defensive] Hey! It's only a game!

[sighs and rubs face]

Dad with Beard: I'm gonna get myself a tuna fish sandwich. Can I get you a sandwich - ?

Fred: No that's ok...

Dad with Beard: [cutting him off] I'm gonna get you a tuna fish sandwich.

Fred: You know you could give up the game, and that would be all right with me. In fact, I want you to give it up.

Josh: But I can't.

Fred: Why not?

Josh: Because I have to play. *I* have to.

Josh: Can we get some brochures now?

Fred: Sure, pee and get your coat.

[after the first lesson]

Fred: So were you two talking about chess up there?

Bruce Pandolfini: No, it didn't come up.

Coakley: That girl in the black is checking you out.

Fred: The one who looks like the chief from Cuckoo's Nest?

Coakley: No, the one sitting next to her.

Fred: [Last Line] Last night I fake chowed a DJ's mom.

Coakley: [to Fred] Where're you going? You found your dream girl, now take her back to the hotel and... take care of business!

Fred: We don't have a lot in common, I can't even talk to her!

Coakley: Talk to her? Fred, what do you want? A pen-pal, or a poon-pal?

Fred: I only got one shot at this, okay? I think I can do better!

Coakley: Every loser in Vegas thinks they can do better! You know what winners do? They walk away from the table while they're up!

Rick: We let down the male species, you know that?

Fred: Maybe you were right. Maybe we should call it a day, just ask the girls to come home.

Rick: NO! I want the Hall Pass, okay? At first I wasn't sure, but now I know I want it.

Fred: I don't even know what the dream is anymore...

Rick: I'll tell you what it is: I want to remember what it feels like to be with someone who really WANTS to be with me, out of pure desire, not because they HAVE to out of some sense of duty.

Fred: If we can't show that something positive can come from having a Hall Pass, then the whole concept is dead! Not just for you and me, but for all mankind!

Rick: [after seeing Brent vandalize Fred's car] Take it easy, okay? Relax!

Brent: No! YOU take it easy! You think you can just come into my club and take my girl, and get away with it? No. Not tonight, buddy. Fuck, no! You're not gonna get away with it! NEVER! EVER!

Meg: [appears with Paige] Brent?

Brent: Mother? What are you doing here?

Fred: Wait wait wait. Aunt Meg is your mom?

Brent: [to Meg] How does he know your name?

Meg: Well, we, uh...

Brent: [shocked] What? No. No. No. No. Are you telling me that this 40-hour-a-week motherfucking soccer dad took my girl, and his flabby asshole... my MOTHER?

Fred: No! No, no, no! I didn't have sex with your mom! All I did was fake chow her! All right?

Rick: It's true!

Brent: [drops his crowbar] That's it. You two are dead men!

[pulls out a gun]

Fred: WHOA! HE'S GOT A GUN!

Meg: Brent, where did you get that?

Brent: Grandpa's closet!

[Rick bursts in on Fred doing fake chow to Meg]

Rick: Fred, we need to talk.

Aunt Meg: [to Fred] Fred? I thought you were Rick!

Rick: No, I'M Rick!

Aunt Meg: What?

Fred: Please don't judge me...

[Meg kicks his nose and breaks it]

[Brent defaces Fred's car after Rick drove in it]

Brent: [to Rick] How do you like me now, golden boy?

Fred: Moron, this is MY car!

Brent: Oh, this is your car?

Fred: Yeah!

Brent: Oh, I'm so sorry...

[smashes a window]

Brent: Does it look like I give a shit, pudgy boy?

Fred: [to Rick] Why am I pudgy boy?

[a drunken Fred bumps into a girl wearing the Stars and Stripes on her pants]

Fred: Oh hey Betsy Ross, you need a pole for that flag?

[Her gargantuan boyfriend gets up]

Fred: Oh, what's the matter, you cant get any bigger you little bitch?

[KO]

Rick: Maybe we should call the girls and ask them to come home.

Fred: Wait a second, you want to quit?

Rick: Fred, come on. We're not the same guys we were fifteen years ago, when we were single. We've changed.

Fred: No, YOU've changed. All you're thinking about is yourself.

Rick: Fred, I don't care! I'm exhausted! I want to go home! I miss my wife and kids, okay?

Fred: No, no, no, no, no! Let me explain something to you, okay? If Maggie and Grace find out that we can't get laid on our own, they'll start thinking that we need them to get laid! Do you realize what that'll do to the balance of power in our homes?

Paige: Where are you going?

Fred: Page, you're my babysitter. Have a happy birthday!

[leaves]

Paige: Well, my aunt Meg wants to meet you...

Fred: [just off the phone] God just sent us an angel from Heaven. Coakley's back in town.

Rick: What?

Fred: Yeah! And he wants to hang, and he wants to bang!

[Fred is moaning, the male cop knocks on the window]

Male Cop: Are you okay?

Grace: Don't worry. This isn't what it looks like.

Fred: Yeah, it isn't.

Grace: I was giving him a faux-job.

Male Cop: A faux-job?

Female Cop: Yeah, that's when a woman goes south on a man but she doesn't use her mouth. So she uses her hands and makes noises.

Fred: Wait, what?

Fred: Have you ever tried the Australian kiss? It's like the French kiss except it's Down Under.

Daphne: I think they passed out.

Fred: Great. What do we do with them now?

Shaggy: Let's cut out their kidneys and sell them to the black market and leave them in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice.

Fred: [Jay and Silent Bob have hitched a ride with The Mystery Machine] Great now we solve the mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls. Pull off their masks and let's see who they really are

Velma: I don't think they are masks

Daphne: And I don't think they're hitchhiking girls either

Velma: Ghouls you fuckin' moron. Not girls

Shaggy: The only real mystery here is why we take our cues from a dick in a neckerchief

Fred: [Grabs Shaggy by the collar] Keep it up beatnik. I'll feed you to the fucking dog.

Daphne: [yells] I can't take all this fighting

Jay: Yo! Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down.

[He pulls out a bag of marijuana joints]

Jay: We call 'em doobie snacks

Jay: Zoinks, yo.

Fred: Now we can finally solve the mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls. Pull of their masks and let's see who they really are!

Velma: I don't think they are masks.

Daphne: And I don't think that they're hitchhiking girls either.

Velma: GHOULS, you fuckin' moron, not girls! I wish they were hitchhiking girls- sexy hitchhiking girls.

Fred: Let's kick 'em out! We've got a mystery to solve!

Shaggy: The only mystery here is why we take our cues from a dick in a neckerchief!

Fred: Keep it up, beatnik, I'll feed ya to the fuckin' dog!

Daphne: I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS FIGHTING!

Jay: YO! Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down, and I got just the thing for that... we call it... DOOBIE SNACKS!

Fred: I can't believe we left the party so soon. And there was so much wine to spit around the place.

Elizabeth: I got upset.

Fred: "I got upset." God, you're so stupid. You never leave a party 'til the very very end.

Elizabeth: Oh really?

Fred: Yeah really.

Elizabeth: Well what about Cinderella? Remember what happened with her?

Fred: No I don't remember what happened *with her*. I deliberately forgot all about her. She made me puke. I remember the ugly stepsisters, they were great.

Fred: It takes more than a fire truck to stop Drop Dead Fred.

Fred: [Looking up Polly's skirt] Wow.

[Looks at Elizabeth and points up]

Fred: Cobwebs.

Fred: Well why don't we harpoon Charles straight through the head, drag him back to the apartment, and hit him with a hammer until he agrees to come back?

Elizabeth: Harpoon him through the head. That won't work Fred.

Fred: Why not? How many times have you tried it?

[Mickey wants to be as 'crazy' as Elizabeth, and he starts hurling pasta at couples in the resturarant]

Waiter #2: [approaches]

Fred: Uh-oh!

Waiter #2: [furioudly] YOU DON'T THROW SPAGHETTI IN MY RESTRUARANT!

Mickey Bunce: [mimicking his Italian accent] Ok, oka fine - YOU DO IT!

[he slaps his hands underneath the plates the waiter is holding in each hand, sending them flying across the room]

Fred: Just kiss me, and say Drop Dead Fred... now

Fred: Look, you've got you now. You don't need me.

[Fred looks up a woman's dress]

Fred: No panties. No panties.

[after just meeting Elizabeth for the first time in years]

Fred: Hello, snotface. Yuck what happened to you? You're all older, you're even uglier! Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to be sick all over you, immediately. Lie down.

Young Elizabeth: Maybe Mommy's right. I never do anything right.

Fred: No! You're great. She's not.

Fred: Drown the fishes.

Fred: You see when something's not working right, the best thing to do is tear it apart to make it better.

Fred: Oh no, Mickey Fart-Pants. Whoever let HIM grow up?

Fred: Morning. So who's for snot flicking?

[after just seeing Elizabeth's mother]

Fred: Is it? It is. the mega-bitch.

[Elizabeth and Charles are lying down, making out on the sofa]

Fred: Hold on, hold on that's now how the pigeons do it. You're supposed to stamp on her head and peck her

Fred: [pulls Elizabeth towards the stairs] Come on!

Elizabeth: Where are we going?

Fred: Playtime!

[slides down the bannister]

Fred: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[he slaps straight into the newel post at the bottom]

Elizabeth: [in pain] Ahhh! Oooooh! WHO PUT THAT THERE?

Mickey Bunce: [comes home to find his daughter Natalie, covered with chocolate. He kneels next to her] Natalie, what happened?

Natalie Bunce: We wanted some chocolate! It's yummy, do you want some?

[offers Mickey her hand to lick]

Mickey Bunce: [chuckles] No, I don't want any.

Ms. Fuzzock: This young lady has made quite a mess in the kitchen, and she expects me to believe that some pretend friend did it.

Natalie Bunce: He's not pretend! He's drop dead Fred!

Elizabeth: [kneels down to speak to Natalie] What did you say?

Fred: [appearing from behind a tree] She said I'm not pretend. What are you deaf?

Mickey Bunce: Natalie, come on, what really happened?

Natalie Bunce: I'm telling you the truth! Don't you believe me?

Elizabeth: I believe you. Next time you see that drop dead Fred. You give him my love.

[forces Elizabeth into her room]

Nurse: Good night, flake!

Fred: Yeah, well, we're not scared of you, fatso!

[the door locks]

Fred: I'm not afraid of the megabeast!

Young Elizabeth: I'm not either, when she comes in here we'll make her eat up all this mud!

Fred: Yeah... and then we'll cut her head off...

Young Elizabeth: with scissors...

Fred: Yeah... and then we'll make her eat it

Young Elizabeth: ...make her eat her own head... with what?

Fred: Oh yeah, well I'll eat her head then.

Young Elizabeth: And I'll eat the rest of her!

Fred: Yeah! And then we'll get up and poo her all over the table cause we're not afraid of anything

Fred, Young Elizabeth: yeah, yeah YEAH!

Elizabeth: [to Polly] I'm not afraid of you!

Fred: Finally, the magic words!

Fred: Boo!

Elizabeth: Ahhh!

Fred: Hello, Snotface! Yuck! What happened to you? Look at you. You're all older. You're even uglier. Uch. I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to be sick all over you immediately. Lie down.

[Pushes Elizabeth down on the bed]

Fred: Hang on. Where's all the dolls?

Elizabeth: [Whispers] Drop Dead Fred.

Fred: Where is the dolls?

[Throws dolls at Elizabeth]

Fred: I wanna play with the-Ah hah! The dolls! Hello, Jemima. Hello, Angelec.

[Makes the dolls say 'Hello.']

Fred: You're gonna die!

[Screams and hits Jemima's head against the door. Bites off Angelec's head. Throws dolls]

Fred: Mr. Pooh!

[Makes Mr. Pooh say 'Hello.']

Fred: You die too!

[Makes Mr. Pooh say 'No no no.']

Fred: Yes yes yes.

[Screams and rips Mr. Pooh's stuffing out while throwing the stuffing at Elizabeth]

Fred: [Makes Mr. Pooh scream 'No! My intestines. Not my intestines!']

[Spits on Mr. Pooh]

Elizabeth: [Whispers] I must be dreaming.

Fred: I don't love you because love is for girls and girls are disgusting

Fred: Snotface, look... INK - let's write something on the carpet... I know how 'bout "Mother SUCKS".

Fred: [sitting between Elizabeth and Mickey] Oh great. Now I'm stuck between two complete utter girls.

Fred: You just put a piece of broccoli in your mouth and said, "Mm, what a lovely piece of broccoli."

Fred: I wrote the note. Hahahahaha! Haven't got a husband! Haven't got a husband! Got a stupid hair cut!

Elizabeth: Go away

Fred: go away? why do you want me to go away? Fine! say the magic words and i'll piss off

Elizabeth: Piss off!

Fred: Ha! I lied those weren't the magic words

Polly: What did you say?

Fred: She told you to piss off

Fred: I am a loner, a crazy wide eyed loner on a doomed mission to Venus to battle with the 3 headed mega beast but on the way I caught cornflakes disease.

Fred: [sitting inside the refrigerator]

[about Charles]

Fred: Snotface, he's the wrong man for you.

Elizabeth: I don't want to hear it

Fred: You're not happy.

[Elizabeth closes the fridge door]

Elizabeth: Yes I am.

Fred: [crawling from underneath a counter] Well, if you're so happy, then why I am still here, hmm?

Elizabeth: I can fix that.

[she pulls out the pills]

Fred: Oh no, don't do that. No, please, don't do that. Do-

[Elizabeth takes the pill, he dubs over in pain. While grinding pepper, Elizabeth sneezes and sends Fred bouncing against the walls]

[Fred appears in front of a mirror]

Fred: Boo!

Elizabeth: Aaah!

Fred: [laughing] Shit yourself?

Elizabeth: I thought you were dead.

Fred: Hey, it takes more than a fire truck to stop Drop Dead Fred.

[Fred sees Elizabeth and Charles]

Fred: Ugh! What does that taste like?

[Elizabeth elbows him in the gut]

Fred: [while dancing in the chair in the living room with dog poo on his shoes] Dog poo, dog poo, yucky yucky dog poo. Dog poo on the chair... all on the sides, all up there, yucky yucky smelly dog poo!

Fred: [to Elizabeth] You got married? You mean you've been doing it like the pigeons? No! Yuck!

Fred: Did somebody order the rape?

Fred: Are you ok.

Johnny Five: Functioning 100%. Perfectly ko Derf.

Fred: It's Fred.

Johnny Five: That's what I said, Derf.

Fred: Benny? You're leaving me with my back to the wall here. I mean, we gotta come up with something!

Ben Jarhvi: It is not possible. We are the type of people who have everything in our favor going against us.

Ben Jarhvi: Oh, now, now we are un-employers.

Fred: Oh, look, we still got all of the robot parts in the van; I can get a new staff together...

Ben Jarhvi: But we are having no more money and now we are having no equipment. To assemble the robots with our naked hands, it would be slower than - than moles' asses in January.

Fred: You just fall off the banana boat, or what?

Ben Jarhvi: I do not travel with bananas, sir!

Johnny Five: Frederick, I have an important question. Why do humans not like me, call me "craphead"?

Fred: They like you. They like you. Craphead is a compliment.

Johnny Five: Oh...

Fred: I'm SORRY I tried to sell your god damned robot. Okay? It was a dirty trick. I'm a jerk. I'm a sleaze-ball.

Ben Jarhvi: You are getting warmer.

Fred: It's just that when you OWE as much money as I do, it kind of puts you under pressure. You know?

Ben Jarhvi: And who would be foolish enough to loan money to you?

Fred: [groans] Don't rub it in. I had to go to a shark.

Ben Jarhvi: Oh, dearie! Now you're expecting me to believe that you borrowed money from a fish!

Fred: No, no. A Loan Shark. It's somebody, if you don't pay them back right away, they start removing popular parts of your anatomy.

Ben Jarhvi: [is locked in a freezer with Fred and reading fortune cookies] "The warmth in your heart makes others ha-ha-happy".

Fred: I still like this one

[reads the one in his hand]

Fred: "Opportunity is waiting, you need but to open the door".

Fred: We gotta go! You see those two guys over there?

[points towards two advancing policemen]

Fred: They want to take your books away!

Johnny Five: [horrified gasp]

Fred: [burning himself with a soldering iron] Jesus!

Johnny Five: Christ, lived from 1 to 33 AD.

Johnny Five: Am not human, but am a life-form, have soul. But him me killed to try.

Fred: Hey wait a minute J5, what do you think you're gonna do?

Johnny Five: Pursue! Capture! Incarcerate!

Fred: Come on now man, these are serious guys! You're not in top form, and your backup battery is all used up!

Johnny Five: I'm okay-kay, just a few biddly-biddly Bugs Bunny to work out in out in! Perfectly functionality, functionality!

Fred: Oh yeah sure, listen to yourself, you can't even talk straight!

Johnny Five: Derf, a life-form's gotta do what a life-form's gotta do. Stand aside.

Fred: I thought you said this thing mis-functioned on you.

Ben Jarhvi: Oh, that is a falsity. What actually happened was we were working on him one day and suddenly he is struck by lightning. And, from this moment on, he's having a mind of his own. So, the government tried to destroy him so he ran away. So, now he's living with my friend in Montana, in a cabin, in the woods, in... cognito.

Fred: You like McNuggets?

Ben Jarhvi: Who is he?

Fred: Trust me.

Johnny Five: Fred wants to sell ME?'!

Fred: [laughs] Oh, J-5, c'mon, it's just a figure of speech.

Johnny Five: Am not property, Frederick! One whose person is under control of another as master, is a SLAVE!

Woman at building: That's all we need: A robot who's into equal rights.

Manic Mike: [Seeing a battle-clad Johnny charging out of his locked store] Hey! How did you get in there?

Fred: [Running after Johnny] Hey, life form! Cool it!

Manic Mike: What is that? How much you want for it?

Fred: [Trying to repair Johnny before his battery fails] I'm no good at this!

Johnny Five: Fifteen minutes, you have, to get good.

Fred: Fifteen minutes?

Johnny Five: Plenty of time... time... in a sort of runic rhyme...

Fred: [Waving his hand in front of Johnny's face] All right! Don't lose it!

Fred: That baseball player sure looks like a giant to me.

Susan: Sometimes people grow very large, but that's abnormal.

Fred: I'll bet your mother told you that, too.

Bea: Fred, you must know I have a little crush on you.

Fred: Please, Bea.

Bea: What is it? What's wrong?

Fred: Nothing. It's just I...

[Fred bursts into tears]

Bea: What's wrong? Is it still your fiancée? It's been such a long period of grief. It's not fair to you.

Fred: [crying] I know. I know. It's just that every time I hear that song on the radio my memory goes back to Leonard. That was our song.

Bea: Leonard?

Fred: My beloved.

Bea: You never said your fiancé's name was Leonard.

Fred: How could I?

Bea: [pauses, slowly starts to understand] I see. Just calm yourself. Would you like a drink?

Fred: No.

Bea: Just relax.

[Fred continues to cry; Bea tries to comfort him]

Bea: It's a nice song.

[after storming into Ed's liquor store, pointing a finger in Ed's face]

Fred: Fuck you. Gimme a bottle of booze, here's my dollar, suck my dick!

Burt: Ain't good for the image, Fred. You looked too god damn comfortable! people ain't gonna pity you no more!

Fred: I don't know how I managed to look comfortable. Fuckin'Wizzy planted his foot halfway up my ass.

Burt: Oh, well, he was just plantin' corn. Get it? Corn... his foot! In yo' ass! Ha ha! Hey, where's your sense of humor, boy?

Fred: I lost it when Wizzy kicked me in the ass!

Ed: [Sees Fred outside] Aw, Christ...

Fred: [Entering the liquor store] You're a nice guy.

Ed: Hey Fred, early bird gets the worm, hah?

Fred: Ah, you just want my one-eyed wonder worm, Eddy.

Ed: That one-eyed wonder worm has been dead for twenty years.

Fred: Yeah. How's your daughter?

Ed: Eh, you'll never know.

Fred: Place looks cleaner than usual.

Ed: Yeah, I swept it out once.

Fred: Huh. So. What you got for me today?

Ed: Today? Tenafly Viper. One buck.

Fred: Buck - not bad. I thought you Jews usually tried to make more money than that.

Ed: Ah, you fuckin' bastard...

Fred: What should I do Ira?

Stanley: What should he do about what.

Glenda Gardenia Parks: The chicken, Fred is a vegetarian and doesn't know if he should eat it.

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: Eat the chicken Fred.

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: Is this a gag?

Fred: This is a government agency... you know we don't have a sense of humor.

Nick Gardenia: [looks right into camera] Oh Sh**!

Fred: [looks at Gardenia's image coming off printer] Jeee-sus!

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: The man sleeps under my bed, drives my car, and wears my tuxedo... I just want to meet him. Hold it right there. You're under arrest.

Fred: The police are on their way

Nick Gardenia: Didn't like the chicken, huh?

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: Sorry.

[takes his seat]

Fred: Sorry.

[takes his seat]

Glenda Gardenia Parks: Sorry.

[takes her seat]

Ebenezer Scrooge: What right have you to be merry? You're poor enough.

Fred: What right have you to be dismal? You're rich enough.

Rizzo the Rat: He's got 'im there. The old boy's speechless!

Ebenezer Scrooge: If I could work my will, every idiot who goes around with "a Merry Christmas" on his lips would be cooked with his own turkey and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!

Rizzo the Rat: Well, not quite speechless.

Ebenezer Scrooge: I do not make merry at Christmas...

Fred: That is certainly true.

Ebenezer Scrooge: And I cannot afford to make other people merry.

Fred: That is certainly *not* true!

Fred: [Jerry Webster enters wearing a woman's full length mink coat, and passes Fred, again] He's the last guy in the world I woulda' figured.

Fred: Life is just a bowl of cherries

Tony Manetta: Why

Fred: I don't know. I ain't a philosopher!

Merrie: Fred, what's going to happen to us?

Fred: I don't know. As long as it lasts, I guess we'll have to live with it.

Harry: W-what's the matter, hotshot? Don't you like your new size?

Merrie: I was big enough before.

Harry: Heh, look what happened to us. And all these girls can think of is their, modesty! Ha ha!

Merrie: Fred... Fred, what have we done?

Fred: Well whatever it is, we're stuck with it.

Harry: Stuck with it. So why don't we make the most of it? It's gonna make a difference!

Rick: Yeah. I was just thinking... wait til' my old man gets tough with me again, eh?

Jean: W-we're freaks, Rick.

Harry: Maybe we are, but you just wait til' the next guy who asks me for my I.D. card. Oh, boy!

Harry: Yeah!

Pete: Now maybe it won't be so easy for them to kick us around anymore!

Elsa: Them?

Pete: The adults, honey! This isn't there world anymore, it's gonna be ours!

Rick: Yeah. We turn the tables on them. Come on, let's split and have some fun, eh?

Fred: Yeah. Yeah, let's get out of here.

Merrie: But I don't have anything to wear!

Fred: Merrie! Get in there and watch that kid.

Merrie: But I wanna watch!

Fred: Don't worry. I'm gonna give you his head on a silver platter.

Elsa: I'm hungry too. What's for breakfast?

Fred: Sheriff, on toast.

Fred: You are far weirder than someone merely into S&M. At least they have a tradition. We have some idea what S&M is about. There's movies and books about it. But so far as I know, there is nothing to explain the way you are.

Fred: Maybe you can clarify something for me. Since I've been, you know, waiting for the fleet to show up, I've read a lot, and...

Ted: Really?

Fred: And one of the things that keeps popping up is this about "subtext." Plays, novels, songs - they all have a "subtext," which I take to mean a hidden message or import of some kind. So subtext we know. But what do you call the message or meaning that's right there on the surface, completely open and obvious? They never talk about that. What do you call what's above the subtext?

Ted: The text.

Fred: OK, that's right, but they never talk about that.

Fred: You think wedding vows are going to change everything? God, your naivete is astounding! Didn't you see "The Graduate"?

Ted: You can remember "The Graduate"?

Fred: Yeah, I can remember a few things. Apparently you don't. The end? Katharine Ross has just married this really cool guy - tall, blond, incredibly popular, the make-out king of his fraternity in Berkeley - when this obnoxious Dustin Hoffman character shows up at the back of the church, acting like a total asshole. "Elaine! Elaine!" Does Katharine Ross tell Dustin Hoffman, "Get lost, creep. I'm a married woman"? No. She runs off with him - on a bus. That is the reality.

Fred: My jazz rule is: If you can't dance to it, you don't want to know about it.

Marta: You seem very intelligent for an American.

Fred: Well, I'm not.

Ted: Spanish girls tend to be really promiscuous.

Fred: You're such a prig.

Ted: No, I wasn't using "promiscuous" pejoratively. It's just a fact. They have completely different attitudes toward sex.

Fred: Well, I wasn't using "prig" pejoratively.

Ted: Here in Barcelona, everything was swept aside. The world was turned upside down and stayed there.

Fred: Has it ever occurred to you that maybe the world was upside down before, and now it's right side up?

Fred: "Yankee" and "gringo" are obviously pejorative, but it's the standard dictionary term that's the most insulting of all. "Estadunidense." Dense. D-E-N-S-E. It's the same spelling. Dense: thick, stupid. Every time you hear it. Estadunidense-dense-dense. It's like a direct slap in the face. It's incredible.

Montserrat: I think you are too sensitive.

Fred: Oh great, now we're too sensitive.

Fred: I think it's well-known that anti-Americanism has its roots in sexual impotence, at least in Europe.

Ted: Maybe you'd like an analogy. Well, take... take these ants. In the U.S. view, a small group, or cadre, of fierce red ants have taken power and are oppressing the black ant majority. Now the stated U.S. policy is to aid those black ants opposing the red ants in hopes of restoring democracy, and to impede the red ants from assisting their red ant comrades in neighboring ant colonies.

Ramon: That is clearly the most disgusting description of U.S. policy I have ever heard. The Third World is just a lot of ants to you.

Jurgen: Those are people dying, not ants.

Ted: No, I... I don't think you understand. I was reducing everything to ant scale, the... the U.S. included. An ant White House, an ant CIA, an ant Congress, an ant Pentagon...

Ramon: Secret ant landing strips, illegally established on foreign soil.

Fred: Where are the red ants?

Ted: [pointing to an ant hill] There.

[Fred crushes the ants]

Marta: I think there is something fascist about a boy who immediately talks of marrying a woman he likes.

Fred: I don't think Ted is a fascist of the marrying kind.

Fred: They're calling us pigs. That's meant to hurt!

[last lines]

Ted Boynton: You see, that's one of the great things about getting involved with someone from another country. You can't take it personally. What's really terrific is that when we act in ways which might objectively be considered asshole-ish or incredibly annoying... they don't get upset at all. They don't take it personally. They just assume it's some national characteristic.

Fred: Cosa de gringos.

Ted Boynton: Yeah.

Dickie Taylor: Fantastic.

Ted Boynton, Fred: [both together] Yeah.

Ted Boynton: There's a lot of anti-NATO feeling here.

Fred: Anti what?

Ted Boynton: Anti-NATO.

Fred: Anti-NATO?

Ted Boynton: Yeah. Well, actually here it's OTAN.

Fred: They're against OTAN? What are they for? Soviet troops racing across Europe, eating all the croissants?

Fred: [At a disco, talking to Marta and Aurora about Ted, who's out on the dance floor] He's not at all the way he seems. He might seem like a typical American, like a big unsophisticated child, but he's far more complex than that. Have you ever heard of the Marquis de Sade? Ted's a great admirer of de Sade. And a follower of Dr. Johnson. He's a complex - and in some ways dangerous - man. He has a serious romantic illusion problem. Women find him fascinating. His nickname is "Punta de Diamante" - point of a diamond. You see that odd expression on his face? Under the apparently very normal clothes he's wearing are these narrow leather straps drawn taut so that when he dances...

Aurora Boval: [looking somewhat shocked] What?

Fred: [as Ted leaves the dance floor and comes back to join them] Please don't mention this. He might feel I violated a confidence.

Fred: Tonight while I was shaving - I always shave against the direction of the beard because I understood you got a closer shave that way - I started thinking about this razor commercial on TV which shows the hair follicles like this, going this way. The first of the twin blades cuts them here, then the hair snaps back, and the second blade catches them down here, giving you a closer, cleaner, possibly smoother shave, that we know. But what struck me was if the hair follicles are going in this direction and the razor is too, then they're shaving in the direction of the beard, not against it, which would mean that I've been shaving the wrong way all my life. I mean, maybe that's not so, maybe I misremembered the ad, but the point is, I could have shaved the wrong way all my life and never have known it. And then I could have taught my son to shave the wrong way without him ever knowing it either.

Marta: You have a son?

Fred: No... But I might someday. And then maybe I'll teach him to shave the wrong way.

Marta: I think maybe my English is not so good.

Woman (Shootings in America): You can't say Americans are not more violent than other people.

Fred: No.

Woman (Shootings in America): All those people killed in shootings in America?

Fred: Oh, shootings, yes. But that doesn't mean Americans are more violent than other people. We're just better shots.

Fred: Are you sure you don't want to go?

Ted: No.

Fred: Good.

Fred: When we were kids I borrowed some things. It was never ever theft! In each case I either told you... or was about to.

Ted: Who am I?

Fred: The kid with the kayak, but older and fatter, leave me alone!

Ted: This is amazing, he is going to have a complete recovery!

Fred: The things they say about us. I know we're not to take it seriously, but after a while, it really hurts.

Ted Boynton: I don't believe you! Just once I'd like to go out with a girl not convinced I'm encased in black leather underwear.

Fred: That bothers you?

Ted Boynton: The exact same story over and over again?

Fred: Well, it's not exactly the same. I always vary it a little.

Ted Boynton: Great! It wasn't even Aurora, but this terrific friend of hers from the trade fair. She's never met you but was still full of your stupid stories.

Fred: Frankly, I don't care for your tone. You should get down on your knees and thank God that you have a cousin who makes up interesting stories about you. I'm the best P.R. guy you're ever going to have. Do you think any even mildly cool trade fair girl would give you the time of day if she knew the pathetic Bible-dancing goody-goody you really are? You're far weirder than someone merely into S&M. At least they have a tradition. We have some idea of what S&M is about - there's movies and books about it, but so far as I know, there is nothing to explain the way you are.

Fred: Hey, one-nut! Wanna beer?

Fred: [to Jon] Hey, laughing boy, you didn't pay your bill. But then again you ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer!

Fred: Hey, ball sac, they're towing your car! What am I supposed to drive?

Fred: [after he let an attraction to Tyler slip] I'm sorry, Brent. It just happened.

Brent: I know. I saw it, do you think I'm stupid?

Fred: No, I don't. I was stoned.

Brent: Oh, what's fucking new?

Fred: Why didn't you say something?

Brent: What am I supposed to say, Fred? 'Tyler, can you please get your taint out of my husband's face?

Fred: Fuck, I can't believe I did that.

Brent: I can't believe you did it after we just talked about how you're okay with not doing it.

Fred: That was the truth. I wasn't looking to open the relationship.

Brent: Then what were you looking for in the crack of his ass?

Michael: [Roger diplayed the set of sounds he just bought] Please tell me those are metal chopsticks.

Fred: Well, they could be used on Chinese, just not the food per se.

Brent: You know what those are?

Fred: Yeah.

Brent: [to Michael] Do you know what those are?

Michael: They ain't for knittin'!

Brent: [during a discussion about opening up their relationship] My mother says if you say something once, that you probably thought it twice.

Fred: Which is complete bullshit.

Brent: You calling my mother a liar?

Fred: I have a few choice adjectives if you're asking. Sweetheart, you know I love your mother. Could we leave her out of this conversation, please?

Simon: [after trying Randy's "dirty jock" shot] What the hell was that?

Brent: Awful.

Fred: That was Randy's dirty jock.

Tyler: Yeah, tastes like it.

Randy: Fuck you bitches. Die of thirst!

Claudia: Well, what was I supposed to think. They looked insane.

Bernice: We're not insane. We're from New Jersey.

Fred: Yeah, the Garden State.

Fred: You blew Helen's medal for good. One more like that it's the glue factory - for both of us.

Fred: [On a movie set] I think we need another take.

Cameron: That looked pretty terrific.

Fred: This is going to sound strange but is Jamal seeing a speech coach?

Cameron: What do you mean?

Fred: This is weird for a white guy to say this, but have you noticed he's been talking a lot less "black" lately?

Cameron: No, I haven't noticed that.

Fred: Really? Like in this scene, he's supposed to say "don't be talking about that", and he changed it to "don't talk to me about that".

Cameron: You think because of that the audience won't recognize him as a black man?

Fred: Is there a problem?

Cameron: Excuse me?

Fred: Is there a problem?

Cameron: No, we don't have a problem.

Fred: All I'm saying it's not his character. Eddie is supposed to be the smart one, not Jamal, right? You're the expert here but to me it rings false.

[Offering John coffee]

Fred: You want black? Sugar?

John: It's all good.

Fred: You'll get black

Fred: Don't get lemon Bill, it don't suit ya.

Billy Bright: Spell it, you cunt.

Fred: C-u-n-t, Cunt.

Billy Bright: I meant "lemon", soppy bollocks.

Dave: Who's the old guy?

Fred: You mean Lou? He used run numbers for the dinosaurs.

Fred: You never see a thing except what you want to see, do you?

Fred: It's too bad our man was liquidated.

Insp. Raoul Leduc: Well, sometimes bad news can be changed into good news.

Fred: [talking to the mirror] You made a huge mistake. You wanted to fuck Fred - now Fred will fuck you.

Fred: [referring to Grucha] He's got cat food instead of brain!

Fred: [in the car, after hitting a TV guy dresses as a hedgehog] What was that? Did we hit a dog or something?

Grucha: I think it was a porcupine.

Fred: What porcupine?

Grucha: Like a big hedgehog...

Fred: Grucha, are you really that stupid? In this country we don't have animals like that. There's aurochs, beaver, shit elk, fox, wolf, pine marten, horse, otter, shrew, rabbit... those the animals that live in Poland!

Grucha: What's the difference what was it if it's dead now?

Fred: Ha, you're wrong here! You now what's reincarnation? Have you ever heard a word this looong? Simply, it means that after death a man is rebirth as another creature, as an animal for example. Maybe you've just killed your family, your uncle or something.

Grucha: That's just bullshit! My uncle is alive. He works in the television.

Fred: Reincarnation amuses you, right. I've been expecting it from you. But it's an old and a wise religion, not for morons like you. Who you're going to be in your next life depends on how did you behave so far. Some, after death, become tigers, falcons or leopards...

Grucha: And others?

Fred: If you mean yourself I wouldn't expect too much. *A duck* is the best you can do.

Grucha: Why are you eating my French fries? Can't you just get your own?

Fred: I'm not hungry.

Grucha: If you're not hungry then stop eating my fries! And if you are, buy your own!

Fred: Can't you see what this food is doing with your brain? Apart from the burger and French fries you can't see a thing. It's a piece of a fucking potato and you're behaving like I was harming your mother! I'm going to take a piss, 'cause I don't want to look at this!

[Fred's wife has brought in a young baby when she visits Fred in prison]

Fred: How old is he now, my love?

Fred's wife: Eight months, dearest.

[Fred looks suspicious and counts on his fingers]

Fred: But I've been in here nearly two years.

[Fred's wife smiles sweetly]

Fred's wife: Oh yes, Fred. But you sent me some *lovely* letters.

Fred: I can't believe it. You shot my dickie!

Fred: I'm dead. You go party.

Velvet: What are you so angry about, Fred? So bitter. I haven't done anything.

Fred: So what? Shit happens to people who haven't done anything all the time. What does it matter? It just depends on how we deal with it, whatever lands at our feet.

Velvet: Is that right?

Fred: Yeah, that is right. That's the truth. The lesson is in the struggle. That's what makes us shine, or roll over and die like little bitches in the dirt with our guts exposed and flies shitting in our open mouths.

Jonathan Shields: Look. Put five men dressed like cats on the screen, what do they look like?

Fred: Like five men dressed like cats.

Fred: [after Jonathan's father dies broke and disgraced] Are you going to change your name?

Jonathan Shields: Change it? I'm gonna ram the name of Shields down their throats!

Fred: Jonathan is more than a man: he's an experience. And he's habit-forming. If they could ever bottle him, he'd outsell ginger ale.

Jonathan Shields: When an audience pays to see a picture like this, what are they paying for?

Fred: To get the pants scared off of 'em.

Jonathan Shields: And what scares the human race more than any other single thing?

[crosses to wall switch and turns out the light]

Fred: The dark!

Jonathan Shields: Of course. And why? Because the dark has a life of its own. In the dark, all sorts of things come alive.

Fred: Suppose... suppose we never do show the cat men. Is that what you're thinking.

Jonathan Shields: Exactly.

Fred: No cat men!

Fred: You've been lying to me?

Sandrine: Every day.

Fred: You cheating on me?

Sandrine: No. I mean, yes. I touch myself every day.

Fred: Where have you been?

Sandrine: I just had sex with a man in a hotel room.

Fred: Has he been your lover long?

Sandrine: Since this afternoon.

Cap'n Dan: [Trying to convince Brady to fight Jefferson] Now, Frank, when you retired with that gold belt last summer nobody thought it would work out like this. We just thought, match the two best heavies, and whoever beats who is the top man. Right? Nobody thought the nigger would lick one first, and then go after the other all the way to Australia.

Smith aka Smitty, Evening Mirror Reporter: I was down in Melbourne for the paper, Mr. Brady, and let me tell you, no paper here could print how bad it really was. He'd say, "Wanna hit me now, fella?" Then he'd *let* him, grinning all the time. Cuffing him, jabbing, making smart-ass remarks to the crowd.

Reporter: You're the white hope, Mr. Brady.

Frank Brady, Boxer: I'm the what?

Smith aka Smitty, Evening Mirror Reporter: The white hope. Every paper in the country is calling you that.

Fred: Frank, he lands in San Francisco tomorrow. Come on!

Cap'n Dan: How would you like it if he claims the belt's his because you won't fight him? How would you like it if the whole damn country says, "Brady let us down. He let a loudmouth nigger be champion of the world." Now Frank, you go take a good, long look at that belt, and come on out here with it. I know you trust me, and I say you can beat him. And Franklin, the good Lord hates a quitter.

Goldie: [after they convince Brady to fight Jefferson] Good. So it's fixed Cap'n Dan.

Cap'n Dan: The man's in a hurry, Fred

Pop Weaver: What about terms?

Goldie: What? We're no babies here. You know my Jackie would fight your boy for a *nickel*.

Pop Weaver: 80-20, Goldie.

Goldie: What? A world's championship?

Fred: 80-20, that's it.

Goldie: God bless America.

Pop Weaver: And Cap'n Dan to be the referee.

Goldie: You're kidding me.

Cap'n Dan: Who'd you have in mind, friend? Booker T. Washington?

Goldie: All right, all right. What else? He don't have to fight with his feet tied together?

Fred: So, what do you say? If that's no white hope, I'm Queen Pocahontas.

Pop Weaver: He's the right stuff, Dan. Maybe a little raw yet.

Fred: *Fresh*. Fresh is what he is. Big, clean, strong. A real farm boy. They're waiting on their knees for someone like him.

Pop Weaver: I'm ready to promote it, Dan. What do you think?

Cap'n Dan: I think he's a full-grown polar bear, myself. He's the best of the bunch, I won't argue that. But say we send him over, bang! It's 10-to-1 the black boy does it again. Then where are we?

Pop Weaver: We won't ever have it on a plate, you know.

Cap'n Dan: Pop, Fred, let me tell you a secret. The next white hope is the one who gets that belt *back*! Not means to, or almost does or gets half-killed in trying. He takes it! He finishes right on his feet, with a big, horizontal nigger down there for *good*!

[Scrooge has come in after being visited by the ghosts]

Ebenezer Scrooge: Fred! My dear nephew! How are you?

Fred: Well who is this?

Ebenezer Scrooge: It's me! Your uncle Scrooge! Smile makes a difference, doesn't it?

Fred: I believe it has done me good and will do me good, and I say God bless it!

Bob Cratchit: Hear hear! Hear hear!

Fred: What'll it all be be, ladies?

Imogene Mayfield: Dope and cherry, Fred.

Fred: [to Mary] How about you, half-pint?

Mary Clay: Make mine a chocolate malt and drop an egg in it as fresh as you are.

Fred: The hens don't lay 'em that good.

Fred: I told you before it was over between us both and now you kill people.

Zack: They were coming between us.

Zack: Why don't you want me anymore?

Fred: We're not in there anymore Zack! I tried to make a life for myself and now you've gone and fucked it all up!

Zack: But I did it for you and I did it for us! You said nothing was going to come between us... nobody!

Fred: That was different we needed each other!

Zack: It was not different to me!

Fred: Yeah well it should've been, but it doesn't matter anyway... your're going back inside forever this time.

Zack: I'm never going back... never... you lying bastard

[attacks Fred]

Phil Robins: What happened here Fred?

Fred: [dying] He was my... friend... in prison... the other convicts used to hurt him... so I took care of him... in six years we were locked up together... I was all he had... And at one time he was all I had... After we got out he kept coming around... and after I broke it off... he kept pursuing me... I tried to stay on the straight and narrow... I'm sorry Mr. Robbins... I...

[Dies]

Fred: [putting three spoonfuls of sugar in Angeline's coffee] There. Now you go ahead and drink. That way you'll be sweeter.

Fred: There's been another murder.

Sturges, the Lighthouse Keeper: Who?

Fred: Kochek. We found his body this afternoon.

Sturges, the Lighthouse Keeper: He talked too much.

Marty: Now, don't be impatient! Dr. Kirby will be here in a few minutes.

Eddie Cantor: Dr. Kirby? Listen -

[sitting up]

Marty: [pushing him back on gurney] Down!

Eddie Cantor: You don't understand!

[sitting up]

Fred: [pushing him back on gurney] Down!

Eddie Cantor: This is all a mistake!

[sitting up]

Fred: [pushing him back on gurney] Down!

Eddie Cantor: [flailing his legs and sobbing] Oh-hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh!

Nurse Hamilton: [as all three hold down his legs] And don't kick!

Eddie Cantor: [sitting up] I always kick on the fourth down.

Irene Hoffa: As far as I'm concerned, there's just one little book we need. That's all. Just one. Good old "Dun & Bradstreet: Who's who, and how much has he got."

Fred: When you're through with a guy, it's how much did he have, isn't it?

Irene Hoffa: I manage to get along pretty well.

Irene Hoffa: Say, I can remember once I had a good-time Charlie. And it was all fixed up for Michael to walk in and ask this guy what he thought he was doing with his wife. Good for 5,000 bucks this guy was too. All right. Mike is supposed to walk in at 4:00, and sharp 7:00 he shows up. You can't imagine what I went through those three hours.

Fred: Yes, I can.

Irene Hoffa: Well, you're wrong.

Fred: Where's Kitty?

Aunt Dot: Oh, she's outside, waiting on some of the customers.

Fred: Sure, given some of them college boys a treat!

Aunt Dot: Oh, Fred, Kit's a good girl.

Fred: You can't tell me, that foxy niece of yours, gets all them tips just for waitin'.

Kitty Lane: [Kitty enters the kitchen] If you ain't fryin' steaks, you got me on the pan.

Aunt Dot: Some men like me. You do.

Fred: Yeah, I do, at that.

Kitty Lane: Well, it's a wonder with that Mother Hubbard you're wearing. Why don't you doll up?

Aunt Dot: Well, do you think I could look - beautiful, like?

Kitty Lane: Sure, why not? Touch up your hair and get a permanent. Take that tent off. And, show your knees. They're not bad, you know. Put 'em in silk and you'll get by anywhere.

The Drummer: Who's that chick?

Fred: Cinderella.

The Drummer: Well, your Cinderella's got a pistol this big in her bag.

Fred: It's her magic wand.

Fred: Why do I love you?

Héléna: Because I'm an amazing woman.

Fred: Why don't you love me?

Héléna: Because I don't have the guts.

Fred: Are you lazy?

Héléna: Terribly.

Fred: Who does the cooking at your house?

Héléna: The cook.

Fred: And the housework?

Héléna: The housekeeper.

Fred: And the lovemaking?

Fred: The drummer never divulges his name.

The Roller Skater: So what're you doing down here?

Fred: Ha! That's a good question! Can I trust you?

The Roller Skater: No, but tell me anyway.

Fred: I love birthdays.

Fred: Oh yeah, there's a picture of you as a kid too. 9 years old, 60 pounds,

[laughs]

Fred: Oh, you were a looker even back then... I'll knock the price down to 10,000 if you let me keep it.

Héléna: Okay.