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Frank Burns Quotes:

  • Trapper John: Well, what's the matter with her today?

    Hawkeye Pierce: I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things.

    Trapper John: It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown.

    Hawkeye Pierce: She can't even get out of the door, look.

    [Hawkeye sits down with Frank]

    Hawkeye Pierce: Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she...

    Frank Burns: Mind your own business.

    Hawkeye Pierce: No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that?

    Duke Forrest: What's Going on over there, is he getting pointers or something?

    Trapper John: Oh no, Hawkeye's trying to get him on an appearance tour.

    Duke Forrest: Ohhhh, is that a fact?

    Hawkeye Pierce: Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all?

    Frank Burns: Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Or does she go "uh-uh-uh"?

    [Frank leaps over the table and attacks Hawkeye]

    Hawkeye Pierce: Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!

    Duke Forrest: What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?

    Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!

    Trapper John: Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye! That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!

  • Frank Burns: God meant us to find each other.

    Hotlips O'Houlihan: [enthusiastically, opening her blouse] His will be done.

  • Frank Burns: You idiot, I said a cardiac needle!

    Pvt. Lorenzo Boone: Do you want me to get a nurse?

    Frank Burns: Too late, Boone, you killed him.

    [Walks away; Boone starts to cry]

  • Duke Forrest: What's this here?

    Frank Burns: This is Ho-Jon, one of our mess hall boys. I'm teaching him how to read.

    Duke Forrest: Oh, is that right? You reading the Bible, huh? That's nice. Look, I'll tell you what, I got a book here. It's got alot of pictures in it.

    [Gives Ho Jon a nudie magazine]

    Duke Forrest: I think it's easier to read when you look at pictures. A little adventure in pictures.

    Ho-Jon: May I leave now, Major?

    Frank Burns: Sure, Ho-Jon.

  • Frank Burns: What's that?

    Duke Forrest: That's a martin-eye, Frank.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Finest kind. We're training Ho Jon to be a bartender. Would you care to embribe, sir?

    Frank Burns: I don't drink.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Jesus Christ, I think he means it.

    Duke Forrest: I think we've been had, Hawkeye.

    Hawkeye Pierce: I think you're right, babe.

    Frank Burns: I don't think it's right to involve a boy who's not seventeen years old yet.

    Duke Forrest: Hey you make a mean martini there, Ho Jon. You keep it up, you hear?

    Hawkeye Pierce: [Frank begins praying] You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?

    Duke Forrest: No, not with anyone beyond the age of eight years old, I haven't.

  • Hawkeye Pierce: Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?

    Duke Forrest: How long does this go on, Frank?

    Frank Burns: It gets longer all the time. Now I have your soul to pray for, and Captain Pierce's.

  • Trapper John: Finished work for the day?

    Frank Burns: Yes. Why?

    Trapper John: Good. I was hoping you'd have time tonight to sleep this off.

    [Trapper punches Burns to the floor and injures his hand just as Colonel Blake and Hotlips walk in]

    Trapper John: [in pain] Ow! Damn! Son of a bitch!

    Colonel Blake: Trapper! Captain McIntyre! What the hell?

    Hotlips O'Houlihan: [incredulous] That's a *captain*?

    Colonel Blake: What happened? Who started this?

    Trapper John: I hit him! He's an ignoramus, that knucklehead!

    Frank Burns: He wouldn't have touched me if I had my guard up.

  • Frank Burns: I don't drink.

    Hawkeye Pierce: Jesus Christ, I think he means it.

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