Fran Kubelik Quotes in The Apartment (1960)

[last lines]

C.C. Baxter: You hear what I said, Miss Kubelik? I absolutely adore you.

Fran Kubelik: Shut up and deal...

C.C. Baxter: The mirror... it's broken.

Fran Kubelik: Yes, I know. I like it that way. Makes me look the way I feel.

Fran Kubelik: When you're in love with a married man, you shouldn't wear mascara.

Fran Kubelik: He's a taker.

C.C. Baxter: A what?

Fran Kubelik: Some people take, some people get took. And they know they're getting took and there's nothing they can do about it.

Fran Kubelik: Why do people have to love people anyway?

Fran Kubelik: Would you mind opening the window?

C.C. Baxter: Now don't go getting any ideas, Miss Kubelik.

Fran Kubelik: I just want some fresh air.

C.C. Baxter: It's only one story down. The best you can do is break a leg.

Fran Kubelik: So they'll shoot me - like a horse.

C.C. Baxter: Please, Miss Kubelik, you got to promise me you won't do anything foolish.

Fran Kubelik: Who'd care?

C.C. Baxter: I would.

Fran Kubelik: Why can't I ever fall in love with someone nice like you?

Fran Kubelik: I never catch colds.

C.C. Baxter: Really? I was reading some figures from the Sickness and Accident Claims Division. You know that the average New Yorker between the ages of twenty and fifty has two and a half colds a year?

Fran Kubelik: That makes me feel just terrible.

C.C. Baxter: Why?

Fran Kubelik: Well, to make the figures come out even, if I have no colds a year, some poor slob must have five colds a year.

C.C. Baxter: [sheepishly] Yeah... it's me.

C.C. Baxter: I know how you feel, Miss Kubelik. You think it's the end of the world - but it's not, really. I went through exactly the same thing myself.

Fran Kubelik: You did?

C.C. Baxter: Well, maybe not exactly - I tried to do it with a gun.

Fran Kubelik: Over a girl?

C.C. Baxter: Worse than that - She was the wife of my best friend. And I was mad for her, but I knew it was hopeless. So I decided to end it all. I went to a pawnshop and bought a forty-five automatic and drove up to Eden Park. Do you know Cincinnati?

Fran Kubelik: No, I don't.

C.C. Baxter: Anyway, I parked the car and loaded the gun... Well, you read in the papers all the time that people shoot themselves, but believe me, it's not that easy. I mean, how do you do it?

[cocks his finger, and points to his temple]

C.C. Baxter: Here?

[points to his mouth]

C.C. Baxter: Or here?

[points to his chest]

C.C. Baxter: Or here? You know where I finally shot myself?

Fran Kubelik: Where?

C.C. Baxter: [indicating kneecap] Here.

Fran Kubelik: In the knee?

C.C. Baxter: Uh-huh. While I was sitting there, trying to make my mind up, a cop stuck his head in the car, because I was illegally parked. So I started to hide the gun under the seat and it went off - pow!

Fran Kubelik: [laughing] That's terrible.

C.C. Baxter: Yeah. Took me a year before I could bend my knee - but I got over the girl in three weeks. She still lives in Cincinnati, has four kids, gained twenty pounds. She sends me a fruit cake every Christmas.

Fran Kubelik: What's a tennis racket doing in the kitchen?

C.C. Baxter: Tennis racket? Oh, I remember, I was cooking myself an Italian dinner.

[Fran looks confused]

C.C. Baxter: I use it to strain the spaghetti.

Fran Kubelik: You fool. You damn fool.

Fran Kubelik: Just because I wear a uniform doesn't make me a girl scout.

Fran Kubelik: I was jinxed from the word go. The first time I was ever kissed was in a cemetery.

Fran Kubelik: I'd like to spell it out for you... only I can't spell!

Fran Kubelik: Shall I light the candles?

C.C. Baxter: It's a must! Gracious living-wise.