Fletch Quotes in Vampire Killers (2009)

Fletch: Yep, lesbian vampires. Just another one of God's cruel tricks to get on my tits. Even dead women'd sooner sleep with each other than get with me it would appear. But eatin' me alive, oh no, that's fine. Next time he'll have me bummed by a big gay werewolf I swear.

Fletch: Hahahahahahahaha! It's got a big metal cock for a handle!

Fletch: Why don't we go lay on the bed and I'll fill you in?

Dr. Joseph Dolan: So where do you know Alan from?

Fletch: We play tennis at the club.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: Really? California Racquet Club?

Fletch: Right.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there.

Fletch: Well, I haven't been playing in a while because of these kidney pains.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: Right. Now, how long have you had these pains, Mr. Barber?

Fletch: No, that's "Babar".

Dr. Joseph Dolan: Two B's?

Fletch: One B. B-A-B-A-R.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's two.

Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: Arnold Babar. Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?

Fletch: I don't know. I don't have any.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: No children?

Fletch: No elephant books.

Madeline: I'm sorry, who are you again?

Fletch: I'm Frieda's boss.

Madeline: Who's Frieda?

Fletch: My secretary.

[During a proctological exam]

Fletch: You using the whole fist, Doc?

Fletch: I'm John.

Gail Stanwyk: Ohhhh, John.

[they laugh]

Gail Stanwyk: John who?

Fletch: John Cock... tos... ton.

Gail Stanwyk: That's a beautiful name.

Fletch: Well, it's Scotch/Romanian.

Gail Stanwyk: That's an odd combination.

Fletch: Yeah, well, so were my parents.

Fletch: Do you mind if I ask you a question?

Gail Stanwyk: Depends on the question.

Fletch: Want some more champagne?

Gail Stanwyk: Yes.

Fletch: Are you still in love with Alan?

Gail Stanwyk: No! I mean, no, you can't ask me that question. Ask me another one.

Fletch: Why'd you let me in?

Gail Stanwyk: Um, because I'm bored.

Fletch: If you're so bored, why didn't you go to Utah with Alan?

Gail Stanwyk: Well, Utah's not exactly a cure for boredom.

Fletch: Come on Frank, say yes, and I'll buy you some new deodorant.

[to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel]

Fletch: Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo.

[driving away from police in car with startled teenager]

Teenager: Are you a cop?

Fletch: As far as you know.

Teenager: Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?

Fletch: Why? Did you steal the car?

Teenager: I sure did.

Fletch: Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.

[Fletch has just been incarcerated by the chief of police]

Fletch: Can't keep me here, chief.

Chief Karlin: Maybe I'm not going to keep you in here. Maybe I'm going to blow your brains out.

Fletch: Well, now, I'm no lawyer, but I do believe that's a violation of my rights.

Gail Stanwyk: I'm very flattered, but I'm also very married. You are trying to hit on me, aren't you?

Fletch: How did you guess? I'm such a heel. I don't know what came over me.

Gail Stanwyk: If I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who tried to pick me up, I'd be a rich woman.

Fletch: You are a rich woman.

Gail Stanwyk: See what I mean?

Receptionist: May I help you Dr...?

Fletch: Oh, it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file.

Receptionist: Dr. who?

Fletch: Dr. Rosenrosen, I'm here to get to the records room.

Receptionist: What was that name again?

Fletch: It's Dr. Rosen, I want to check the records room.

Receptionist: Dr. who?

Fletch: Dr. Rosen. Where's the records room?

Fletch: Oh, you've remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds.

Alan Stanwyk: If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand - and your mouth shut.

Fletch: Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?

Alan Stanwyk: It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.

Fletch: Yeah, I assure you.

Alan Stanwyk: One thousand just to listen? I don't see how you can pass that up, Mr...?

Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent.

Fletch: Well, the traffic was murder, you know. One of those manure spreaders jackknifed on the Santa Ana. Godawful mess. You should see my shoes.

Fletch: Hey! I think our problems may just be solved. Ed McMahon. Think I just won a million bucks. Yeah, Irwin M. Fletcher you choose. Woo-wee! Oh, boy, I lost. Yeah. Sorry.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's a shame about Ed.

Fletch: Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was dying for years.

Fletch: Sure, but... the end was very... very sudden.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was in intensive care for eight weeks.

Fletch: Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he actually died. That was extremely sudden.

Gail Stanwyk: Are you always this forward?

Fletch: Only with wet, married women.

[Fletch is being interrogated by Chief Karlin and is giving him attitude]

Chief Karlin: So, what's your name?

Fletch: Fletch.

Chief Karlin: Full name?

Fletch: Fletch F. Fletch.

Chief Karlin: I see, And what do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch?

Fletch: I'm a shepherd.

Chief Karlin: [to the arresting officers] Officers, could you excuse us for a few moments?

Fletch: Yeah, why don't you guys go down to the gym and pump each other.

Chief Karlin: Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch?

Fletch: I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.

Fletch: You know, what tipped it for me was something your wife said while we were in bed together.

Alan Stanwyk: Oh? And what was that?

Fletch: Curiously, she said we had roughly the same build. From the waist up, I imagine.

Pathologist: Ever seen a spleen that large?

Fletch: No, not since breakfast.

Fletch: In the court ruling US vs. Fishbine, a man subjected to potential incineration while wearing another man's suit is entitled to $10,000 worth of airline tickets. It's an obscure ruling, but a very important one to me.

Fletch: (singing)Strangers in the night, exchanging clothing, strangers in my pants...

Fletch: Can't do that, Frank. Fat Sam isn't the story, there's a source behind him.

Frank Walker: Who?

Fletch: Well, there we're in kind of a grey area.

Frank Walker: How grey?

Fletch: Charcoal.

Alan Stanwyk: You'll be wearing rubber gloves. Do you own rubber gloves?

Fletch: I rent 'em. I have a lease with an option to buy.

Gail Stanwyck: She looks like a hooker. Look at her. Look at her! Could you love someone who looked like that?

Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.

[to a Doberman pinscher]

Fletch: Look, defenseless babies!

Fletch: You're serious.

Chief Karlin: Ask anybody.

Fletch: Can I ask someone right now?

[looks out of cell]

Fletch: How about my mom - can I call her right now?

Chief Karlin: [waves gun and looks around] I guess not.

Fletch: I love your body, Larry.

Fletch's girlfriend: [Fletch is listening to a tape of him and his girlfriend having sex] You're not recording this, are you?

Fletch: No, never, never.

Detective #1: Got a gun, creep?

Fletch: Shamu's got one, borrow his.

Detective #1: [searching Fletch] What have we here?

Fletch: That's my dick.

Fletch: For an extra grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner.

Chief Karlin: [shoving Fletch into a wall] Dipshit! You go back on that goddamn beach and you won't live to regret it! All right?

Fletch: [sees a picture on the wall] Hey, you and Tommy LaSorda!

Chief Karlin: Yeah.

Fletch: I hate Tommy LaSorda!

[punches glass out of the picture frame]

Gail Stanwyk: I didn't know you knew the Underhills.

Fletch: Yeah, well, I saved his life during the war.

Gail Stanwyk: You were in the war?

Fletch: No, he was. I got him out.

Fletch: [narrating] As I pulled up to my imitation palatial apartment building, I noticed the familiar red OldsmoBuick of one Arnold J. Pants, esquire, attorney to the former Mrs. Irwin M. Fletcher.

[drives around to fire escape]

Fletch: [narrating] Time to use the service entrance.

Fletch: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I didn't want to have to do this. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses.

[Fletch has fainted]

Records Nurse: Oh, Doctor, are you all right?

Fletch: Where am I?

Records Nurse: You're in the records room.

Fletch: The records room? Oh, then I'm fine.

Records Nurse: Can I get you something?

Fletch: Yeah, do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just get me a glass of hot fat. And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're out there.

Fletch: Do you have any caviar?

Waiter: Si señor, Beluga, but it is 80 dollars a portion.

Fletch: Well, then I better just take two portions of that.

Fat Sam: I got some reds.

Fletch: You don't mean communists, do you, Sam?

Gail Stanwyk: I really should change.

Fletch: No! I think you should stay the same wonderful person you are today.

Gail Stanwyk: I mean, put clothes on.

Receptionist: [handing Fletch a cup of coffee] Sugar, Mr. Poon?

Fletch: No, never, never.

Fletch: [entering through the window] If you're wearing rubbers, leave them outside, would you?

[Corrupt police chief Karlin surprises Stanwyk holding Fletch at gunpoint]

Fletch: Thank god, the... police.

Fletch: Frank, I need to go to Utah.

Frank Walker: Utah?

Fletch: Yeah, Utah. It's wedged in between Wyoming and Nevada. You've seen pictures of it, right?

Fletch: [narrating] In case you haven't guessed yet, there's been a lot of drug traffic on the beach. And I'm not talking about Robitussin and No-Doze. I'm talking about the hard stuff, and a lot of it. I've been trying to find out who's behind it. It hasn't been easy. I don't shower much.

Fletch: If you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.

Waiter: Excuse me, Señor. You are a member of the club?

Fletch: No, I'm not, I'm with the Underhills.

Waiter: They already left, Señor.

Fletch: It's all right, they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.

Waiter: Would you like some drinks, Señor, while you wait? I will put it on the Underhills' bill.

Fletch: Yes, very good. I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich and... a steak sandwich, please.

[Fletch is being framed for drug possession by two very large cops]

Fletch: You fellas wanna read me my rights?

Detective #1: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped by him.

[Detective #2 blows Fletch a kiss]

Fletch: I'll... waive my rights.

Stanton Boyd: What kind of a name is Poon?

Fletch: Comanche Indian.

[after paying his ex-wife's attorney, Fletch walks him to the door]

Fletch: Keep ten for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass.

[after Fletch gets kicked in the crotch]

Gummy: Are you okay?

Fletch: Yeah. I feel like a hundred dollars.

Fletch: I saw Alan this morning and you know what I can't figure out?

Gail Stanwyk: Alan's in Utah.

Fletch: I... can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.

Fletch: Provo, Spain?

Pan Am Clerk: Utah.

[Fletch is driving in the car with the Teenager]

Fletch: I always use a little chewing gum on these rides. It filters out the pollutants.

Teenager: [Fletch swerves to avoid another car] Oh shit!

Fletch: Of course you've got some good grillwork there to keep out the ozone. I gotta get this thing up to 95, uh, check out the fluorocarbon output.

Fletch: [Fletch bumps the lawyer's forehead] He draws the foul!

[last lines]

Fletch: [narrating] When it came to basketball Gail was a loss, but we had our own version of one-on-one and she thought I was the bravest guy in the world. Which, of course, I am. By the way, I charged the entire vacation to Mr. Underhill's American Express Card. Want the number?

Willy: What the hell you need ball bearings for?

Fletch: Awww, come on guys, it's so simple. Maybe you need a refresher course.

[leans arm on hot engine part]

Fletch: Hey! It's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads. And I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.

Gail Stanwyk: What are you doing here?

Fletch: I ordered some lunch.

Gail Stanwyk: You ordered it here?

Fletch: Well, I knew this is where my mouth would be.

Fletch: You would have thought that the Vice President knew I was opening the door, but the Secret Service, they just *whack*

[mimes door hitting him in the face]

Fletch: , and there's blood...

Fletch: Don't talk to me like that, assface. I don't work for you yet.

Waiter: Gracias, señor.

Fletch: Tierra Del Fuego.

Fletch: Mr. Stanwyk's parents Marvin and Velma of Provo, were unable to attend the wedding. Those are three names I enjoy; Marvin, Velma, and Provo.

Fletch: [narrating] I had to keep digging... without a shovel.

Fletch: [on the phone with Mr. Swarthow] Excuse you?

Fletch: Look! Defenseless babies! Fell for the oldest trick in the book!

Pan Am Clerk: I'm afraid there is someone sitting next to you.

Fletch: Oh, for... God dawd dawd! Who is it, Mr. Sinlindin?

Ben Dover: Take your pants off.

Fletch: I don't even know your name.

Ben Dover: Bend over.

Fletch: Ben? Nice to meet you, Victor Hugo.

Jimmy Lee Farnsworth: Irwin, admit that you are a sinner.

Fletch: Uh. Well, I've sinned. I didn't take any Polaroids or anything. But, yeah, I've sinned.

Jimmy Lee Farnsworth: The Lord forgives ya!

Fletch: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Amen. What? Other sins? Uh, I parked in a handicap spot on my way up here. Actually, on a handicap person. I told him I'd be back in five minutes, so that's not such a big deal.

Fletch: What can I do to y- for you?

Fletch: [flirting] Hey Betty, how about lunch at the In N' Out Burger?

Betty Dilworth: [disgusted] No.

Fletch: Okay, forget the burger, how about just the In N' Out?

[she sneers at him]

Fletch: Ok, how about just the In?

Bly Guard: [Seeing Fletch walk by in an all white suit, with a limp] This is a secure area!

Fletch: Well I'm very happy for ya, most people live in terrible neighborhoods.

Fletch: Are you the head honcho?

Bly Manager: That's right sir, Headly Dan Duke, and what seems to be your problem.

Fletch: The problem IS I agreed to take a shit load of that blue bird crap of your hands and it ain't come yet!

Bly Manager: I'm very sorry sir, and you are...?

Fletch: I ARE PISSED!

[reaches into his white jacket pocket and begins to pull out a fake invoice]

Fletch: Some damn fool told me it was on back order and I'd have to wait!

[puts fake invoice directly in front of the managers face]

Fletch: Who's signature is this? Who signed that?

Bly Manager: [attempting to read something less than 1 inch in front of his face] Well, I can't seem to ah...

Fletch: [Fletch ripping the fake invoice from his hand] Well that's the trouble. It's typical of a large corporation.

[stuffs the fake invoice back into his jacket]

Fletch: Lack of communication and that's why I like to keep Everest small.

Bly Manager: OH your from Everest?

Fletch: Now you're talkin!

[expresses his dumbfounded look knowing he just sold the manager on the biggest and stupidest scam]

Fletch: Elmer Gantry! Elmer Fudd Gantry.

Bly Manager: Well, Mr Gantry I'm not sure there's anything I can do, uh...

Fletch: Well you could pull my file instead of standing there pulling your pud!

Bly Manager: [leans over to the assistant] Pull the Everest file.

[Fletch limps away at this point]

Fletch: [Fletch begins walking towards the shipping containers as a crash is heard and a man screams OOWWWWW. Mr Duke follows him] I apologize for my benecosity. I've had a hernia operation. Is that the stuff I was supposed to get?

Bly Manager: Yes sir.

Fletch: Why are they wearing those funny suits?

Bly Manager: Well, there protective as you know that's a very corrosive bi-product they're handling.

Fletch: Oh yeah. I guess if they didn't wear those suites those boys would be so full of wholes they'd whistle when they walked! Hahahahaahahah, ow!

Bly Manager: [laughs with Fletch until he cringes] What's that...

Fletch: Awe, i've been spittin up blood, pissing blood, bleedin. Go through five of these suits a day.

Bly Manager: [Receives the Everest file from the assistant] Well, it seems you have your facts wrong Mr. Gantry. Your company is supposed to get 1,500 gallons. Destination some place called Belle Isle in Louisiana. Signed for by an officer of your company and due the 23rd. So we're right, and you're wrong.

Fletch: [rips a page from the Everest file] Let me see that! It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong.

[folds the page and puts it in his jacket]

Fletch: . I am NOT a big man.

Fletch: Becky was a good girl and didn't need to be spanked... dammit.

Fletch: It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. I am NOT a big man.

Fletch: [narrating] The Reverend Farnsworth was Becky's father, but I wasn't going to hold that against her. If I was going to hold anything against her, it certainly wouldn't be her father.

Fletch: What do you mean, toxic waste?

Frank: Well, it's some special stuff. There's only eleven places in the country that makes this shit.

Fletch: Where?... Frank, just give me the ones that aren't in New Jersey.

Frank: Uh, there's only one.

Fletch: [narrating] Figuring out that the guy who dropped my watch in the swamp was the same guy who stole it at the morgue didn't take Sherlock Holmes... Larry Holmes could've figured that one out.

[Fletch, dressed as a nerdy businessman, has walked into a biker bar]

Fletch: Name's Ed... Ed Harley.

Joe Jack: Ed... you sure you're in the right place?

Fletch: I think so!

Joe Jack: [mocking] Think so!

[all laugh]

Joe Jack: Ed...

[frowning]

Joe Jack: what are you doing in here?

Fletch: I'll give you a hint... Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

[all stare]

Fletch: You don't get it?

Joe Jack: [grabs Fletch] No, Ed... you're the one that doesn't get it.

Fletch: Ed HARLEY. Harley-Davidson Motorcycles!

Joe Jack: [shocked] You own the company?

Fletch: Well, my granddaddy started it, then my daddy screwed Davidson out of his half, and now I own the whole thing.

Joe Jack: [really shocked] Harley-Davidson, no shit?

Fletch: No shit!

Joe Jack: [smiling broadly] Hey, everybody! Ed the Third here owns Harley-Davidson! We're the Nazis from Natchez!

[all cheer, embrace Fletch]

Doorman: Name?

Fletch: Ah... Irwin M Fletcher. Irwin Mahatma Fletcher.

Doorman: Address?

Fletch: 7.

Fletch: Bobby Ross?

Man on Computer: Huh?

Fletch: Peter Lemonjello. Your house is on fire.

Man on Computer: What?

Fletch: They called and told me to tell you your house is on fire. I'm here to take over.

Man on Computer: Well God bless you!

[man hurries out of the computer room]

Fletch: [as man is leaving] And god bless you for believing that shit.

Fletch: It's a championship Laker watch.

Cindy Mae: Oh, are you a Laker?

Fletch: I used to date one - only thing I have to remember him by.

Calculus Entropy: How do you do? I be Calculus Entropy, you be Mr. and Mrs. Fletcher?

Fletch: I be Fletch, Geometry Fletch. She be Miss Trigonometry Ross.

Calculus Entropy: Our families go back for hundreds of years - your great-grandparents owned my great-grandparents and that's how it all started.

Fletch: You ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?

Calculus Entropy: Well I heard something about it, but I don't recall exactly. It didn't get too much publicity around these here parts.

Fletch: I'll bet.

Calculus Entropy: Should I be doing anything?

Fletch: No, not really, um... as soon as you get that trunk upstairs and have finished your nap I guess you could fix that step and jump down, turn around and pick a bale of cotton. And while I'm gone see to it Miss Scarlet stays away from the Union army will you?

Fletch: I borrowed your toothbrush. I would have used your razor but it looks like you've been doing some gardening with it.

Hamilton "Ham" Johnson: So tragic when this happens to somebody so young and healthy. Was she feeling alright last night?

Fletch: She felt great to me.

Jimmy Lee Farnsworth: [touring BibleLand] You don't suppose I used too many photographs of myself do you?

Fletch: No, no. Worked for the Ayatollah.

Man: Uh and you are...

Fletch: I'm Claude Henry Carlton Smoot

Man: Ca... ca... ca...

Fletch: Claaaauuuuude Henry

Man: Ca... ca... Carl...

Fletch: Claude or Carl

Man: Carl...

Fletch: Smoot. Smoot. S-M-M-O-T-T. I'm sorry 2 O's, 1 T.

Man: Smmoot.

Fletch: I'm a guest healer.

Man: ...a guest healer...

Fletch: [puts his hand on the man's forehead and presses forward] Healed!

[laughs]

Fletch: All I needed now was a computer. And a ten year old kid to teach me how to use it.

Cindy Mae: [Turbulence] Oh Lord, what was that?

Fletch: We just clipped a Piper Cub. Pilot's okay, I just saw him parachuting.

Man: Uh, sir, this is a secure area.

Fletch: Well, I'm very happy for you, son. Most people live in terrible neighborhoods.

Fletch: Sorry I'm late.

KKK Leader: Who goes there?

Fletch: Henry Himmler.

KKK Leader: What klavan claims you?

Fletch: California klavan, Cucamonga.

KKK Leader: California?

Fletch: Yeah. I was passing through town and was lookin' for something to do this evening.There was nothing goin' on at the Rotary Club. I heard about this.

KKK Leader: Welcome, Henry. I'm the Grand Kleagle.

Fletch: Oh.

[KKK Leader starts secret handshake and Fletch slowly follows through and then backhands the side of the Leader's head]

Fletch: California Thing. What's the occasion here?

KKK Leader: Oh, some undesirable carpetbagger... I think