Felix Ungar Quotes in The Odd Couple II (1998)

Felix Ungar: [waking up in the car] How long was I asleep?

Oscar Madison: [driving] I don't know. I didn't know you wanted me to time it.

Sheriff: Okay, now explain to me one more time how the rental car caught fire and exploded.

Oscar Madison: He called me a shithead and punched the car, it went rolling down a cliff.

Sheriff: Why did you punch the car?

Felix Ungar: Because the shithead threw the directions out the window and left my suitcase at the rental car agency.

Sheriff: Why did you throw the directions out the window?

Oscar Madison: Because they caught fire from my cigar ashes and were burning on my crotch!

Felix Ungar: The first time he's been hot down there for years.

Oscar Madison: I just wanted you to know what it felt like down there...

Sheriff: OK, boys, settle down. You two don't get along too well, do you?

Oscar Madison: Oh, that's not true. There was a period of 17 years that was wonderful. Then unfortunately we saw each other again.

Sheriff: And who did you say was getting married?

Felix Ungar: My daughter and his son.

[the Sheriff and all the deputies have to swallow a laugh]

Felix Ungar: Oscar, of all the fights that we've ever had, of all the arguments that we've ever had...

Oscar Madison: We can continue talking because he's going to be on this for a half-hour.

Felix Ungar: Of all the times that I've wanted to choke you by the throat, this is the worst! If you say "trifecta" one more time, I'm going to choke you until you are dead, and then that man can arrest me one more time for one more crime one more time in his office, AND HE'S GONNA HAVE A FOURFECTA! SO YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, DO YOU HEAR ME?

Oscar Madison: I think you can get a fourfecta in Cuba, but it's a cigar.

Felix Ungar: Where's my suitcase?

Oscar Madison: Your suitcase? In the trunk.

Felix Ungar: No.

Oscar Madison: No?

Felix Ungar: No.

Oscar Madison: Did you look good?

Felix Ungar: [holds his arms apart] The trunk is this big. It takes about a second and a half to look in there. Your 1927 piece of cardboard is in there, but my suitcase isn't.

Oscar Madison: There are faster ways of delivery now. FedEx, UPS, fax...

Felix Ungar: Oh, you're gonna fax me my suitcase?

Felix Ungar: What do the directions say?

Oscar Madison: They're gone, I threw them out the window.

Felix Ungar: [laughing] Oh, you threw them out the window... you threw them out the window? What the hell made you do a stupid thing like that?

Oscar Madison: Well, I had them on my lap so I could read them. I lit my cigar, the hot ashes fell on my crotch, the map caught fire. I had the choice of either finding the house, or burning up one of the most important parts of my body. Guess which I picked?

Oscar Madison: Don't get physical with me, Felix! I'm too old to hit, but I can spit you to death!

Felix Ungar: In that suitcase was my black formal afternoon suit that I bought to wear when I'm giving my daughter away in marriage. And in that suitcase was a $6,000 Tiffany silver tray that I bought as a wedding present. Oh, and in that suitcase was $10,000 in cash that I was going to give to my son-in-law on his wedding day. Now, in your suitcase, the police are going to find your broken, smashed, mutilated, and dissected body in the event that you don't go back and find my fucking suitcase!

Oscar Madison: Why don't we call Budget and ask them to deliver it?

Felix Ungar: Deliver, deliver where? You've already crisscrossed California more than the covered wagons did a hundred years ago! What the hell are we gonna tell them, follow the burnt pieces of directions on the freeway?

Sheriff: Why did you take his toupee?

Felix Ungar: We didn't! A truck whizzed by and blew it off, huh?

Oscar Madison: Yeah. I tried to get it back. A bird sat on it, I shooed him, and he flew away with the hairpiece.

Sheriff: You shot him? You had a gun?

Oscar Madison: No, no, not shot him, I shooed him. "Shoo, shoo!" Then a hunter shot him, the bird fell on top of the car, and the hairpiece fell on the windshield. I hope there's not gonna be a trial, because I'd hate to repeat that story in court.

Felix Ungar: [Getting angry at Oscar] I want to know one thing: Why, when you get around me, you start to behave like a goddamn, imbecilic, idiotic, totally moronic shithead?

Felix Ungar: Look, we have to have a plan, agreed?

Oscar Madison: Agreed.

Felix Ungar: Okay. What do you think the plan should be?

Oscar Madison: I don't care. I agreed. I did my part.

Felix Ungar: They've probably got poisonous spiders out here.

Oscar Madison: Get out of here, what are they gonna live on? You think they're waiting around for two schmucks like us to show up?

Oscar Madison: Was it San Marino?

Felix Ungar: Not San Marino, maybe San Quentino.

Oscar Madison: Not San Quentino, San Sorina.

Felix Ungar: No not San Sorina.

Oscar Madison: San Mateo. San Clemente. Roberto Clemente.

Felix Ungar: Sancho Pancho. Pancho Gonzales.

Oscar Madison: Ferrando Lamas, Ricardo Montalban.

Felix Ungar: Ricky Ricardo!

Felix Ungar: Los Pintos, Los Bresis, Los Picos. Sound familiar?

Oscar Madison: Yeah they're hotels in Aucopoco.

Felix Ungar: Ha ha! Look a car has to come from some direction. I'm gonna go stand on the other side of the road.

Oscar Madison: So we can catch all the heavy traffic at five o'clock at Los Picos.

Felix Ungar: Got a better idea, Los Idiot?

Oscar Madison: OK, Felix, make out a timetable: when you're gonna eat, when you're gonna pee, when you're gonna fart, when you're gonna cry, and when you're gonna sleep, because that's the last time I'm pulling off the freeway, ya hear?

Felix Ungar: Oh, and I suppose you never have to pee, huh?

Oscar Madison: I do it for a half hour in the morning, then I'm through for the day.

Felix Ungar: You got a lawyer?

Oscar Madison: Yeah, in Florida. He's 92. It takes him six hours to walk to the telephone. Case will be over.

[Felix and Oscar are sprayed by a crop dusting airplane]

Felix Ungar: What the hell was that?

Oscar Madison: They purposely did it. They hate New Yorkers.

Felix Ungar: Who's going to pick us up now? We look like a couple of Pillsbury Doughboys.

Oscar Madison: Well we'd better get out of the sun before we start to rise.

[Felix dumps half a dozen different pills on the table]

Oscar Madison: How do you know which ones to take?

Felix Ungar: Doesn't make any difference. Whatever they fix, I got.

Oscar Madison: The wick is almost out, Felix. All I want is for the candle to glow one last time rather than curse the darkness.

Felix Ungar: It's not going out, Oscar, not yours and not mine. But I still have hope that somewhere out there we'll find the right lamplighter.

Oscar Madison: You know, we just used so many metaphors I forgot what the hell we were talking about.

Felix Ungar: Better pull off the freeway, Oscar, I have to eat. I have a low sugar condition, I have to eat every four hours.

Oscar Madison: Why the hell didn't you eat when we were back at El Pollo Loco?

Felix Ungar: Because it wasn't time to eat yet, it was time to pee. Sheesh!

Oscar Madison: Tell me when it hurts.

Felix Ungar: It hurts!

Oscar Madison: I got an idea, don't tell me when it hurts cause it's gonna hurt anyway. Okay here we go, one, two three.

Felix Ungar: [Slides into the car] Aaaaaahh! Ooh! Oh! Oh!

Oscar Madison: I liked 'it hurts' better.

Felix Ungar: What freeway are we supposed to be on?

Oscar Madison: The 405.

Felix Ungar: I think that sign back there said 101.

Oscar Madison: If you didn't have the brains to pee back at the airport, how could you possibly read that sign?

Felix Ungar: Reading and peeing are two different things!

Oscar Madison: At your age you're lucky you can do either one.

Oscar Madison: Don't you take them with water?

Felix Ungar: The local water?

[Very loudly]

Felix Ungar: Don't you know how many pesticides there are in the local water?

Oscar Madison: Lower your voice, will you? People in here don't know they're gonna be dead in a week.

[In the middle of the desert]

Oscar Madison: Look instead of complaining, why don't you look around for a telephone.

Felix Ungar: What the hell makes you think there'd be a telephone anywhere out here? This is probably where they test those nuclear bombs.

Oscar Madison: Well they would have to call somebody to find out if they went off wouldn't they?

[in the desert]

Oscar Madison: I think I figured out where we are.

Felix Ungar: Where?

Oscar Madison: In a Clint Eastwood movie.

Oscar Madison: Felix, I haven't seen you in what, 8, 9 years?

Felix Ungar: Seventeen! Seventeen years, Oscar, you couldn't remember that we haven't seen each other for seventeen years?

Oscar Madison: To tell you the truth I didn't dwell on it. Alright, seventeen years, so your hair got whiter, your ears got bigger, your nose got longer, but you still retain that unique, elusive pain in the ass quality that drives me berserk.

Felix Ungar: Oh really?

Felix Ungar: [clearing his sinuses] Snah!

Oscar Madison: Didn't you fix that yet?

Felix Ungar: Look at these shorts. I feel like I could be a cocktail waitress at a crap game.

Oscar Madison: Yeah, if you wiggle your fanny right you can make double sixes.

Felix Ungar: We'd better call Budget and have them fax us another car.

Felix Ungar: If we go down, you go down with us!

Oscar Madison: Who are you, Dirty Harry?

Felix Ungar: Maybe we can stop somewhere and get a pair of crutches.

Oscar Madison: Yeah I'll keep my eye open for crutch stores, I'm sure there's a lot of them on the freeway.

Felix Ungar: [in a wheelchair, Oscar is pushing] We haven't even said hello yet and already I've got a sprained ankle. Let me know when we come to a bump.

[They roll over a bump]

Felix Ungar: Ow!

Oscar Madison: That's one.

Oscar Madison: Okay what do you wanna talk to me about?

Felix Ungar: Wait until the seat belt light is off.

Oscar Madison: You can't talk with your seat belt on? Is that some new federal law?

Felix Ungar: You just have to help me figure out a reason why I should get up and go sit next to her.

Oscar Madison: How about... ummm... .I don't know. How about, your seat is broken?

Felix Ungar: No, 'cos I'm a bad liar, she'll know I'm lying.

Oscar Madison: How about if I break your seat?

Felix Ungar: Never count me out until the fat lady divorces me!

Felix Ungar: I hate mess and I hate disorder. I went to a hypnotist to try and cure me.

Oscar Madison: Didn't work, huh?

Felix Ungar: Na, he was late. I straightened up his office and left.

Felice: We have so much in common, did you know the first four letters of our names are the same?

Felix Ungar: Now that you mention it, yeah, we do.

Oscar Madison: You know, neither of you wear glasses either?

Felix Ungar: I'm not going back with you, Oscar, I'm moving in with Lise for a few days.

Oscar Madison: Lise?

Felix Ungar: Felise, she likes it when I call her that.

Oscar Madison: What does she call you, Lix?

Felix Ungar: Anyway, I'm moving to San Fran with her.

Oscar Madison: Lise? Lix? San Fran? What the hell is going on?

[Felix and Oscar are arrested and having to sit before the sheriff a second time around]

Sheriff: So the man is dead, and you have his wallet, riding in an antique car that's worth over $150,000. How do you think this looks?

Oscar Madison: To you it looks terrible. My mother, she wouldn't be all that upset.

Felix Ungar: Look, we didn't murder him and we didn't rob him. Now, you believed us before, so why don't you believe us now?

Sheriff: Because I didn't expect the two of you to keep bouncing back in here like a beachball.

Sheriff: [to Felix and Oscar about to leave from having been released on their second arrest] If I see you two back in here under arrest again, then I seriously will charge you with disturbing the law!

Felix Ungar: Don't you mean "disturbing the peace"?

Sheriff: No, it's only the law you're disturbing.

[Felix and Oscar have just been arrested and are having to face the sheriff for a third time, who is horrified about the circumstance]

Felix Ungar: So, do you even want to talk about it?

Sheriff: No.

Felix Ungar: Ever?

Sheriff: What's the point? It seems like no matter what I say, you two still end up in here.

Oscar Madison: [looking over at the sheriff's deputy] Would it be possible to get the results of a race at Santa Anita? I got a trifecta going.

Sheriff's Deputy: A what?

Oscar Madison: A trifecta. It is where you pick the three winning horses in order from start to finish.

Felix Ungar: You are unbelievable. We have a wedding we cannot get to, and all he's got in his mind is a trifecta.

Sheriff: I'll tell you who won.

Oscar Madison: You know?

Sheriff: Yes! I won. Don't you see? You're my trifecta. The same two men have been arrested three different times and all three times by my men. Do you know what the odds are of that happening?

Oscar Madison: I would say roughly 12 million to one.

Sheriff: And what would it be if it were to happen in a little town called Santa Menandez, California?

Oscar Madison: It would be in the trillions. No bookie could handle it.

Oscar Madison: Now kindly remove that spaghetti from my poker table.

[Felix laughs]

Oscar Madison: The hell's so funny?

Felix Ungar: It's not spaghetti, it's linguini.

[Oscar picks up the linguini and hurls it against the kitchen wall]

Oscar Madison: Now it's garbage.

Felix Ungar: I was just repeating what I thought you said.

Oscar Madison: Well, don't repeat what you THOUGHT I said, repeat what I said! My god, that's irritating!

Oscar Madison: Can't you keep it warm?

Felix Ungar: Who the hell do you think I am, the Magic Chef? I'm lucky I got it to come out at eight o'clock. Wh-wh-what am I gonna do?

Oscar Madison: I dunno, keep pouring gravy on it.

Felix Ungar: Gravy? What gravy?

Oscar Madison: Don't you have any gravy?

Felix Ungar: Where the hell am I gonna get gravy at eight o'clock?

Oscar Madison: I dunno, I though it comes when you cook the meat.

Felix Ungar: [under his breath] Comes when you cook the meat.

[stares at him for a moment]

Felix Ungar: You don't know what you're talking about, Oscar. You just don't know, because you have to MAKE gravy, it doesn't come!

Oscar Madison: Well, you asked my advice...

Felix Ungar: [explodes] Your advice? You didn't even know where this kitchen was until I came hear and showed it to you.

Oscar Madison: Listen buddy, if you're going to argue with me, put down that spoon.

Felix Ungar: Spoon? Haha, you dumb ignoramus, that is a ladle! You did not know that's a ladle!

Oscar Madison: Get a hold of yourself, will ya?

Felix Ungar: You think it's so easy? Go ahead, kitchen's yours, all yours, you make a meatloaf for four people who come a half-hour late. Go on.

Oscar Madison: I can't believe I'm arguing with him over gravy.

Felix Ungar: [doorbell rings] They're here - the dinner guests. I'll get a saw and cut the meat!

Felix Ungar: I'm a neurotic nut, but you're crazy!

Felix Ungar: Funny, I haven't thought of women in weeks.

Oscar Madison: I fail to see the humor.

Felix Ungar: In other words, you're throwin' me out.

Oscar Madison: Not in other words. Those are the perfect ones!

Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, you're not going anywhere until you take it back!

Felix Ungar: Take what back?

Oscar Madison: "Let it be on your head." What the hell is that, the Curse of the Cat People?

Oscar Madison: You're not gonna make any effort to change? This is the person you're gonna be until the day you die?

Felix Ungar: We are what we are.

Oscar Madison: [Felix is making weird noises in the diner] Stop that, will ya? What are you doing?

Felix Ungar: I'm trying to clear up my ears! Fmuh! Fmuh! You create a pressure inside your head, HMAHHH! Opens up the Eustachian tubes. HMAHH! HMAAHH! HMAH-huh! FMAAAAAHHH!

[the other customers look at him strangely]

Oscar Madison: Did it open up?

Felix Ungar: Uh-huh, I think I sprained my throat. Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.

[last lines]

Oscar Madison: Felix, what about next Friday night? You're not gonna break up the poker game, are you?

Felix Ungar: Me, never! Marriage may come and go, but the game must go on. So long, Frances.

[leaves]

Oscar Madison: So long, Blanche.

[sits down at the poker table]

Oscar Madison: Well, what are we gonna do, are we just gonna sit around or are we gonna play poker?

Roy: [they all chime in] Let's play some poker!

Felix Ungar: Hey boys, boys, boys, let's watch the cigarette butts, shall we? This is my house, not a pigsty.

Felix Ungar: You don't understand. I'm nothing without my wife and kids. I'm nothing!

Oscar Madison: You're not nothing. You're something. You're a person. You're flesh and blood, bones, hair, nails and ears. You're not a fish. You're not a buffalo. You're you! You walk, and talk, and cry, and complain, and eat little green pills, and send suicide telegrams. No one else does that, Felix, no one! I'm telling you, you're the only one of its kind in the world!

Chambermaid: [to Felix as he walks by] Goodnight.

Felix Ungar: Goodbye.

Oscar Madison: Where are you going?

Felix Ungar: To the john.

Oscar Madison: Alone?

Felix Ungar: I always go alone. Why?

Oscar Madison: No reason. You going to be in there long?

Felix Ungar: As long as it takes.

Felix Ungar: I put order in this house. For the first time in months, you're saving money. You're sleeping on clean sheets. You're eating hot meals for a change and I did it.

Oscar Madison: Yes, that's right. And then at night after we've had your halibut steak and your tartar sauce, I have to spend the rest of the evening watching you Saran Wrap the leftovers.

Felix Ungar: [serving refreshments at the poker game] Cold glass of beer for Roy...

Roy: Thank you.

Felix Ungar: Where's your coaster?

Roy: My what?

Felix Ungar: Your coaster. The little round thing that goes under the glass.

Roy: I think I bet it.

Oscar Madison: [tosses the coaster back to Roy] Here, here, here. I knew I was winning too much! Here.

Felix Ungar: Always try to use your coasters, huh, fellas? A scotch and a little bit of water...

Speed: Scotch and a little bit of water and I have my coaster.

Felix Ungar: I don't want to be a pest, but you know what glasses can do.

Oscar Madison: [under his breath] They leave little rings on the table.

Felix Ungar: They leave little rings on the table!

Oscar Madison: [under his breath] And we don't want little rings on the table.

Felix Ungar: [in the meat department of the supermarket, to the butcher] I'd like, uh, fresh ground.

Butcher: [pointing to the package of hamburger in Felix's hand] That's fresh.

Felix Ungar: That's not fresh. That's packaged. I want fresh.

Butcher: How much?

Felix Ungar: Four pounds. Exactly.

[the butcher gives him a weird look, then turns away to get his hamburger]

[first lines]

Felix Ungar: A room, please.

Hotel clerk: You alone?

[Felix nods]

Hotel clerk: Luggage?

[Felix shakes his head]

Hotel clerk: How long do you want it for?

Felix Ungar: Oh, not very long.

Hotel clerk: Five dollars.

[Felix isn't paying attention]

Hotel clerk: Five dollars!

[Felix hands him a five-dollar bill. The clerk looks it over and goes to fetch a key]

Hotel clerk: 307.

Felix Ungar: Uh, have you got anything, uh, higher?

Hotel clerk: Higher?

[Felix nods, the clerk takes the key, goes back and checks]

Hotel clerk: 914?

[Felix nods and accepts the key]

[Felix grabs up a cup to throw it at the wall, but relents]

Oscar Madison: Why didn't you throw it?

Felix Ungar: I almost did. Sometimes I get so insane with myself.

Oscar Madison: Then why don't you throw the cup?

Felix Ungar: I'm trying to control myself.

Oscar Madison: Why are you trying to control yourself?

Felix Ungar: What do you mean? Why?

Oscar Madison: You were angry. You felt like throwing the cup. Why didn't you throw it?

Felix Ungar: Because I would still be angry and I would have a broken cup.

Felix Ungar: I'll be in the way.

Gwendolyn Pigeon: How could you possibly be in anyone's way?

Oscar Madison: You want to see a typewritten list?

Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, haven't you said enough already?

Oscar Madison: [Felix has been shoved into the shower and the water turned on full blast after revealing he swallowed a bottle of pills] We've got to get the pills out!

Felix Ungar: [turns the shower off] The pills are out! I threw up before!

Felix Ungar: I think I'm crazy.

Oscar Madison: If it makes you feel any better, I think so too.

Felix Ungar: Walk on the paper, will you? I washed the floor in there.

Gwendolyn Pigeon: I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name.

Felix Ungar: Felix.

Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, right, Felix.

Cecily Pigeon: Like the cat.

Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, well, the Pigeon sisters had better beware of the cat.