Felix Quotes in The Gunman (2015)


Felix Quotes:

  • Terrier: I hope you don't mind, I gave him your address. He's coming out here and we're gonna go hunting from here.

    Felix: Hunting? For what?

    Terrier: Whatever's in season. I just need to shoot something.

  • Felix: You keep a diary of the horror we created? It never happened!

    Terrier: That's the way you want to play it with me? You did your part, I did mine. We all find a way to justify it.

  • Felix: You are our designated trigger, Jim.

    Terrier: I had a feeling.

  • Felix: What do you keep, a diary? A diary of the horror we created? With the blood of all these women and grandpas and all those baby ones, little ones, floating in the river beside their toys. And you keep a diary of that? We have to look forward, Jim. Looking back, all we're doing is fucking and killing like animals. And you know a lot about that, especially about fucking and killing.

  • Terrier: I recorded everything. I'm going to throw it out where the world can see it.

    Felix: Really? Really?

  • Felix: Jim, we have a surprise for you. She is a remarkable woman, Jim, remarkable.

  • Felix: Oh, bollocks!

    Elmo: Dog's bollocks?

    Felix: No, just plain fucking bollocks!

    Elmo: No dog involved?

  • Felix: I couldn't take America. It's like fuckin' Albania in neon.

  • Felix: [after Elmo arrives to the airport, opening the trunk of the car and there's the dead chemist] Arrgh, What's this?

    Frederick: It's Lawrence!

    Felix: I see it's Lawrence, but what happened?

    Frederick: You told me to take care of him.

    Felix: Ah, shit! I meant to take care of him, not fuckin' take care of him!

  • Felix: Listen to this, I'm in fucking Florida, right. This southern prat comes up and he's like, uh, "Hey! England's small. You must know that John Fuckin' Smith guy, right?" Fucking Smith. I'm like, "oh yeah, yeah mate. That's right. John Smith, yeah, I do know him, but, uh, he doesn't come from England mate, no, he comes from fucking"

    FelixFrederick: Pricksville, USA.

  • Elmo: Look, if I wanted cuisine, I'd have gone to Paris, all right?

    Felix: You can still go to France, mate, it's not too far, it's full of pricks and they hate fucking yanks as well!

  • Elmo: What the fuck did they do to this fish? Batter it to death?

    Felix: Fish and chips, national dish mate.

    Elmo: More like a national disaster!

  • Iki: Twenty million in bonds. Untraceable.

    Felix: What? Is that supposed to be twenty mil?

    Iki: Well, I'm not hefting gold bars around the shop, am I? It's not fucking Goldfinger, is it?

  • Felix: Fucking yanks. The trouble with the fucking yanks is, they've no fucking sense. I had some dick in Los Angeles actually ask me where I learned English. English, fuck!

  • Felix: Look, I'm dyin' for a smoke. You haven't any ciggies, have ya?

    Pharmacist: Sorry. Cigarettes are bad for your health.

    Felix: Yeah. So's a FUCKING PUNCH TO THE THROAT, MATE! I need fucking nicotine now!

    Pharmacist: There's no reason to shout at me. I'm Pakistani, not deaf.

  • Felix: Fuckin' Yanks!

  • Felix: [standing over guys shitting themselves] Curry was a bad idea, lads.

  • Elmo: So, let me get this straight. "Bollocks" is bad, whereas "the dogs bollocks" is good, huh?

    Felix: Yeah.

    [Felix sees Kane's car]

    Felix: Oh, Bollocks!

  • Felix: So, how much are they paying you to wear that dress?

    [Elmo glares at Felix]

    Felix: ...fag?

    [offers Elmo a cigarette]

    Elmo: No, motherfucker.

  • Felix: Boys and girls of Manchester! Just popped over from Liverpool to invite you to a game of footy tomorrow afternoon. But I'm fucking fucked if you pricks are gonna win it!

  • Felix: Manchester United versus Liverpool. Blokes are shagging their mothers-in-law for a ticket.

  • [referring to Gordon as Armstrong's replacement]

    Felix: It's like ordering a pizza. You ask for Canadian Bacon you end up with a German sausage.

  • Felix: Why isn't Armstrong here?

    Gordon Brewer: He was arrested for screwing the police chief's daughter.

    Felix: That's Armstrong for ya.

  • Lincesa: What happen to you?

    Félix: I got into a fight with a... bear, a really big one. Sometimes, i can't control my wild instinct.

    Lincesa: You sure you didn't electrocute yourself on the fence?

    Félix: [pauses]

    Lincesa: Your hair is standing on air, you got burn marks on your paws, and well, i saw you when i got here.

    Félix: I... i didn't want you to think i was one of those tamed cats.

    Lincesa: Be careful! There are only a few of us left. And there will be even fewer if you keep having accidents like that.

  • Gus: [chuckles] They got you a girlfriend!

    Félix: Don't be stupid. How's she gonna be my girlfriend if i don't even know her?

  • Felix: You almost done?

    Royce: In a minute, alright?

    Bill Manucci: Let the man eat Felix! I mean for Christ' sake, he's from England, this is practically a gourmet meal for him! Besides, he's been that ugly must bring up one hell of an appetite!

  • Felix: The girl comes with us.

    Edward Cullen: You can go to hell.

  • Edward Cullen: Bella, why don't you go enjoy the rest of the festival?

    Felix: The girl comes with us.

    Edward Cullen: No, you can go to hell.

  • Alice Cullen: Come on guys! It's a festival! We wouldn't want to cause a scene, now would we?

    Felix: You wouldn't.

  • Felix: [talking to Valiant about being in the RHPS] If it weren't for my wooden drumstick and this shrappnel in my poopdeck, I'd be out there right now!

  • Felix: It's not the size of your wingspan that counts. It's the size of your spirit!

  • Felix: I'll kill myself.

    Baron von Frankenstein: No, Felix, don't kill yourself.

    Felix: Who's going to kill myself? I just said that because I didn't think anyone could hear me.

  • Francesca: Felix, you saved my life.

    Felix: Don't thank me, thank my pills.

    [They kiss]

    Felix: Don't thank my pills, thank me.

  • Felix: Pardon me, Gentlemen, does this Pickled Herring stop at the Isle of Evil?

    First Mate: [Captain and First Mate shudder in horror] Egads. It's another one of them!

    Captain: We'll stop, don't worry. We'll do whatever you want. There'll be no charge for you. Be my guest. But please, none of your surprises.

    [They scurry aboard the ship]

    Felix: Golly. What's the matter with them? Haven't they ever seen a tourist before?

  • [sitting outside the local bank]

    Phil: A gust of wind.

    [a gust of wind blows]

    Phil: A dog barks.

    [a dog barks in the distance]

    Phil: Cue the truck.

    [an armored truck drives up]

    Phil: Exit Herman; walk out into the bank.

    [Herman gets out of the armored truck and walks into the bank]

    Phil: Exit Felix, and stand there with a not-so-bright look on your face.

    [Felix gets out of truck and stands there]

    Phil: All right, Doris, come on. Hey, fix your bra, honey... That's better.

    [Doris walks up fixing her outfit]

    Phil: [impersonating Doris] Felix.

    [Doris says, "Felix"]

    Phil: [impersonating Felix] How ya doin' Doris?

    [Felix asks Doris a question]

    Phil: [impersonating Doris] Can I have a roll of quarters?

    [Doris asks Felix for a roll of quarters]

    Phil: [Phil stands up and begins to walk towards the armored car, counting to himself]

    Phil: 10, 9, 8, car...

    [a car drives in front of Phil]

    Phil: ...6, 5, quarters...

    [roll of quarters breaks open, hitting the ground]

    Phil: ...3, 2...

    [Phil reaches over Felix and takes a bag of money out of the back of the armored truck]

    Herman: Felix, did I bring out two bags or one?

    Felix: I dunno.

    [scratches his head]

  • Jonathan Switcher: I'm helping Hollywood with the window.

    Felix: Oh the little Mary has an assistant now? Where do you people come from?

    Jonathan Switcher: Ohio.

  • Felix: You suspect pilferage, sir? I'd be happy to strip-search him.

    Mr. Richards: You people that work at night scare me.

  • Felix: It's him! It's her! Ooh, that little 'peevert'. He's stealing her before we can.

    Mr. Richards: OK, let's not do anything rash. We'll follow them quietly and look for just the right moment to grab them.

    Felix: Don't worry, Mr. Richards. I'm an expert at surveillance. Hang on!

    [car peels off]

  • [Felix has just discovered Jonathan making love to Emmy while she has assumed mannequin form]

    Felix: [to Jonathan] You are one... sick... puppy!

  • Felix: [handing Mr. Richards a tin of shoe polish] Here, Mr. Richards. You better put some camouflage on, sir.

    Mr. Richards: I am not going to put shoe polish on my face, thank you.

  • Felix: We got him!

    Mr. Richards: Felix, I want to get out. I want to get out...

    Felix: Geronimo!

    [car becomes lodged in alley]

  • Felix: [after Emmy, as a mannequin, has flipped him and Richards off] Enough of this surveillance crap! Captain Felix Maxwell takes this from no *mannequin*!

  • Felix: Hey, hey, hey, what's going on here?

    Kelly: Don't worry Felix I'm handling it.

    Felix: No, you're being handled by leather pants over here, there's a difference.

  • [Berke and Felix talking on phone]

    Berke: So whatcha doin?

    Felix: Nothing, just watching Chester screw the rubber tree.

    Berke: What, is that some kind of expression?

    Felix: No, we're babysitting my aunt's dog for the weekend, it's some... kind of... hormonal imbalance...?

    [tilts head]

    Berke: Wow.

  • Dennis Wallace: [talking about Berke's ex-girlfriend] Who marries their high school girlfriend, anyway?

    Felix: And don't say Macaulay Culkin.

  • Felix: Look what I got for you!

    [takes out a piece of paper]

    Felix: This means that we can have the baby in a hospital for free! All we have to do is swear that we're completely broke and have absolutely no way of supporting ourselves and never will.

    Gracie Barzini: Oh God! Felix, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but...

    Felix: Honey, you are the only person in my whole life who has never hurt my feelings.

    Gracie Barzini: ...you're a loser.

  • Chris: Felix, I just want you to know I forgive you for shooting me in the foot.

    Felix: I don't care!

    Chris: Ok.

  • Felix: Doris, you're a sexual Disneyland.

  • Felix: I'm extremely sorry but I don't know the story to "The Sound Of Music".

    Doris: Oh no, that's terrible.

    Felix: You thought "The Sound Of Music" was terrible?

    Doris: Four times I saw that terrible movie.

    Felix: You must have really hated it.

    Doris: I saw it with my friend Eleanor at the Loew's King now torn down. It was playing continuous, no intermission. Get it?

    Felix: I don't think so.

    Doris: Her bladder burst.

  • Doris: [Felix and Doris are stoned in the bathtub; sound of door closing] Was that a door?

    Felix: That was a door.

    Doris: Did someone come in?

    Felix: Unless one of us went out.

    Doris: [sound of someone calling out] That is a DEFINITE person.

    Felix: Correct.

  • Felix: Did you ever try reading a book?

    Doris: A book! Oh yeah, yeah, I used to read Playboy all the time until I got mad at them.

    Felix: Why?

    Doris: Well, you know, I posed for these, eh, terrific, eh, playmate of the month thing, you know.

    Felix: Yeah, what happened?

    Doris: They sent them back.

  • Doris: Hey, Felix, do you want to fool around?

    Felix: No, I do NOT want to fool around.

    Doris: Okay. Do you want a drink of water?

  • Felix: They would give me money to write THEIR way. I want to write MY way!

    Doris: Well, I guess they figure it's THEIR money.

    Felix: Yes, I think that's the way they figure.

  • Felix: I don't write to make money.

    Doris: But, you'd take it if they gave it to ya, wouldn't ya?

    Felix: Yes. But, it would be inconsistent with my aesthetic responsibilities.

    Doris: I understood "with" and "my".

  • Doris: This is a double bed.

    Felix: I know.

    Doris: I always feel so selfish sleeping alone in a double bed, when there are people in China sleeping on the ground.

  • Doris: What about last night?

    Felix: What ABOUT last night?

    Doris: When we made love. Wasn't that good for you?

    Felix: You've got your terminology confused, Doris. That was not making love.

    Doris: Well, whatever it was it beat the hell out of drying the dishes!

    Felix: What we did was to get a fast thrill.

    Doris: No. One time is a fast thrill. Six times is making love.

  • Doris: Hey, how come you and Miss Weyderhaus

    [referring to Felix's pianist fiancee]

    Doris: don't mess around?

    Felix: I told you.

    Doris: What? She's very fragile. She's fragile, right?

    Felix: She's worried... she's worried about her hands. She doesn't want to hurt her hands.

    Doris: She could wear boxing gloves.

  • Felix: Doris, you're a sexual Disneyland!

  • Felix: Do you know I used to know a surfer named Lance? His name was No Pants Lance.

  • Felix: Bobby, whatever you do, don't hit those trashcans!

  • Jennifer Klink: All of a sudden, he is Mr Oral Sex. Up until then Roger had *very* rarely, uh, 'cunnilinged' me.

    Felix: Can you say, uh, 'cunnilinged'?

    Jennifer Klink: [laughs] Well, I don't know. What's the verb for cunnilingus?

    Felix: 'Cunniligated'?

    Jennifer Klink: [laughs amd hits him on the arm flirtatiously] stop it!

    Felix: Cunnilingual? Is that a verb?

    Jennifer Klink: [still laughing] I don't know, but I like it!

  • Felix: I had a friend. He was the richest guy I knew. He had everything. Mansion. Roller. Pool. Ten grand watch. But he had a tiny dick. A real tiddler. You know the kind of dick you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. Now what's the point if you got the bullets but you ain't got the gun? And how girls laughed in his face. So he went down to The States - to LA. And he pumped his dick full of this new wax stuff. Pumped it to pumpy. Yeah. His dick looked bigger.

    Jimmy: Felix. Listen, all I'm...

    Felix: [points revolver]

    Jimmy: Fuck.

    Felix: I'm getting there! I'm getting there. Well this guy got back with his big waxy new dick. And he wanted to get out and use it, so he jumped on a sunbed... to get his "old man" brown. You know what happened?

    Jimmy: No, I got no idea.

    Felix: His fucking penis melted. Melted all over the fucking sunbed.

    Jimmy: So?

    Felix: So, you can't get a big brown dick overnight. Sancho Panza.

  • Felix: D' you know what this is? It's a bullet. It's got a brass case. Copper jacket. Lead core. 'n it's very hard. When I put it in my gun and pull the trigger... it travels at 500 miles an hour. What do you think would happen... if one of these hit you? What would happen to you, Robert? This bullet wouldn't stop. You understand. It wouldn't stop - here. It wouldn't stop once it was inside you. It would *rip* through your skin. It would tear through your: fat, flesh, sinews, muscle. Cut into, into, your internal organs... puncturing your your lungs, flooding your stomach with blood. It would tear into your heart - and burst it wide open. And then it would fly away. Fly, fly away. It'd stop you breathing, Robert. It'd stop you thinking, ever again. Or feeling. Or remembering. Or having fun... all over.

  • Félix: I love her from my very entrails. I need her same as I need my liver, my brain, my eyes. Without her, my bones break, my lungs melt and I cannot breathe. I need Sofia so that I can live.

  • William Lin: Is it true that Coach Wang broke ten bones?

    Felix: I heard they cut off her arm!

    Christopher 'C-Dub' Wang: [amused] What are you smoking?

  • Felix: [about some un-fresh ham] Il est mort pour rien ce cochon ! (This pig is dead for nothing)

  • Felix: Do you believe in Santa Claus?

    Max: No.

    Felix: Nor do I. Nor do I, but my children do. They are still small. But do you know who they like even better than Santa Claus? His helper, Pedro el Negro. Black Peter. There's an old Mexican tale that tells of how Santa Claus got so very busy looking out for the good children that he had to hire some help to look out for the bad children. So he hired Pedro. And Santa Claus gave him a list with all the names of all the bad children. And Pedro would come every night to check them out. And the people, the little kids that were misbehaving, that were not saying their prayers, Pedro would leave a little toy donkey on their window. A little burro. And he would come back, and if the children were still misbehaving, Pedro would take them away, and nobody would ever see them again. Now, if I am being Santa Claus, and you are Pedro, how do you think jolly Santa Claus would feel if one day Pedro came into his office and said, 'I lost the list.' How fucking furious do you think he will get?

    Max: I think... I think you should tell the guy standing behind me to put his gun away.

    Felix: What?

    Max: I said, I think you should tell him to put the gun down before I rip it out of his hand and beat his bitch-ass to death with it.

  • Max: The fat man, the penthouse guy, the jazz man. That leaves two.

    Felix: Can you finish?

    Max: In six years, when have I not?

  • Max: I picked up a tail.

    Felix: Federal?

    Max: I don't know. You tell me. But I know this, they were onto me. I tossed the workup lists to cover your hermes faconable ass.

  • Felix: Now you're here. Why?

    Max: I lost my stuff. The list.

    Felix: I want you to listen to me real well. Special groups put together the list of dedos.

    Max: Dedos?

    Felix: Fingers, informants. Signal interceptions with voice-recognition software, surveillance. A very expensive counter-intelligence worked up that list. An important list, wouldn't you say? And you lost it?

    Max: Yeah, I'm sorry. Sorry.

    Felix: Sorry? 'Sorry' does not put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

  • Felix: What do you think?

    Max: I think...

    [Max sees one of Felix's bodyguard draw his gun out]

    Max: I think you should you should tell that guy behind me to put his gun down.

    Felix: What?

    Max: I said I think you should tell that guy behind me to put his gun down, before I take it and beat his bitch ass with it.

  • Goddess Dancer: You want a knuckle sandwich?

    Felix: Oh, can I have mine anally, please?

  • Daniel: Are you Nat Cooper?

    Nat Cooper: It's the dead guy!

    [Felix runs in to the hallway, and also sees Daniel]

    Felix: It's the dead guy!

  • Nat Cooper: You're lying!

    Felix: I am NOT lying. My dentist said he's never seen so many cavities in one mouth and that he's sending a sample of my saliva to the University of Wisconsin!

  • Zee: You never want to do anything interesting any more.

    Felix: I don't think that's a fair criticism.

    Zee: Fuck me next to your dead mom then.

  • [after Erin beats up the Cat masked man]

    Erin: Thanks for your help by the way.

    Felix: You seem to have a handle on it.

  • Felix: [Lamb Mask removes his bloody shoe] Whoa wait, don't do that! You don't want your DNA in here man!

    Lamb Mask: I'll clean it up later. Just like the rest of this fucking mess!

    Felix: Excuse me? You say that like it's my fault. Listen, just so we're perfectly clear, I just had to kill my own brother because you guys keep getting beat up by some girl! I had to stab my brother! More than once! You were supposed to do that! For all the good you guys did in here you could have stayed outside with your fucking crossbows!

    Lamb Mask: You wanna talk about brothers? That's my brother, laying dead right there. And unlike you, I liked my brother.

    Felix: Look... I'm sorry, I didn't know that. I mean, I knew you guys served together but I didn't know you were related though. Man she really fucked him up good huh?

  • Aubrey: [cries] Oh my god, what is happening to us?

    Erin: You know what's going on?

    Paul: I don't know.

    Felix: Do you see anyone?

    Paul: I don't see anyone. Do you see anyone?

    Erin: No.

  • Félix: I'm gay.

    Mathilde Firmin: Not you...

    Félix: What do you mean? I'm gay.

    Mathilde Firmin: I've known gay guys, but not you!

    Félix: I said I'm gay! How can I prove it?

    Mathilde Firmin: You seem so sure of yourself, I believe you.

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Characters on The Gunman (2015)