Felicia Quotes in Deepwater Horizon (2016)

Sydney: I only did not knock because I want a brother.

Felicia: Okay. Well, that's disturbing. 'Cause you're not supposed to know anything about that! You're supposed to just think babies are cute!

Felicia: Is it just me or did it get real bright in there all of a sudden? Mike, what is that? Is everything ok? Mike?

Ian: [handing Felicia a new t-shirt] Another one for the collection.

Felicia: Oh, cool. Thanks.

[she stares at nothing leaning on the GTO]

Ian: What?

[she points down on the car roof. Lance is on the back seat comforting a sobbing Brandy]

Lance: It's okay, Brandy. it's okay, baby, don't cry.

Ian: Lance, what are you doing?

Lance: Dude, you should be ashamed of yourself, because I'm just trying to show another human being a little compassion.

[pause]

Lance: And my dick.

Lance: Just relax, man. I got a good feeling about this, you know. We're gonna party with the Amish!

Felicia: Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be one kick-ass quilting bee.

[They see Fall Out Boy downloading amps and instruments]

Peter Wentz: What's up, man?

Ian: Hey.

Felicia: [astonished] No effing way!

Felicia: Oh dude, don't even bother. Your game is not going to work on that girl.

Lance: What do you know about girls? I've never even seen you with a girl.

Felicia: Oh, for goodness sakes, get down off that crucifix. Someone needs the wood.

Felicia: Do you know why this microphone has such a long cord?

Man In Crowd: Why?

Felicia: So it's easily retrieved after I've shoved it up your ass.

Felicia: [to Tick, when the Spencer's see all three and then take off] Oh, for goodness sakes, look at yourself, Mitz. How many times do I have to tell you? Green is not your color!

[laughs hysterically]

Benji: [about his Dad] Does he have a boyfriend at the moment?

Felicia: No, no he doesn't.

Benji: Neither does Mum. She used to have a girlfriend, but she got over her.

Benji: [Benji pauses, then turns and looks at Felicia] You want to come play in my room? I've got Lego.

Felicia: [singing] A desert holiday, let's pack the drag away. You take the lunch and tea, I'll take the ecstasy. Fuck off you silly queer, I'm getting out of here. A desert holiday, hip hip hip hip hooray!

Felicia: [in sweet voice] Mummy, maybe a trip to the outback will help me get over this little... phase I'm going through. And you never know, I might meet some lovely country girl.

[in tough voice]

Felicia: I hereby christen this budget Barbie camper... Priscilla. Queen of the Desert!

[smashes champagne bottle against bus]

Bernadette: That's gotta be the understatement of the century.

Felicia: [to Tick] Do you think I'm going to let you walk away with all the attention? No chance, come on girls. Let's go shopping.

Felicia: I mean who is the fish that runs this bloody hotel in the middle of nowhere, anyway? Your mother?

Tick: No, my wife.

Felicia: Ooh, don't tell me you've got an ex-boyfriend tucked away out here somewhere.

Tick: No, my wife! I'm married.

[the bus brakes screech and glass shatters]

Tick: Oh, fuck!

Bernadette: We've only recently discovered that young Anthony here, bats for both teams.

Mitzi: I do not!

Felicia: Oh, so we're straight?

Mitzi: No.

Felicia: Oh, we're not. So we're a donut puncher, after all?

Mitzi: No.

Felicia: Then what the hell are we?

Mitzi: I don't fuckin' know.

Felicia: Oh, you can't do that with a ping-pong ball!

Bernadette: Do you wanna bet?

Felicia: There goes the transsexual, last seen heading south. We called her Bernie, but her real name was...

Tick: Adam?

Mitzi: [as Felicia starts painting over the graffiti on their bus, which is stranded in the middle of nowhere] Purple?

Felicia: It's not *purple*, it's *lavender*. Whaddaya think?

Mitzi: It's nice... in a hideous sort of a way.

Mitzi: [to Bernadette, who has started walking off] Where are *you* going?

Bernadette: If you think I'm going to sit around watching Picasso take on the public transit system, you've got another thing coming. I'll be back with the cavalry in a couple of hours.

[to Tick and Bernadette, as he is cooking sausages]

Felicia: How do you like your little boys, girls?

Felicia: [to Tick and Bernadette] So anyway, back to me.

Felicia: [to Tick] Mowing those lawns must have been murder on your heels, though.

Felicia: [to Tick and Bernadette] The only life I saw for the last million miles were the hypnotized bunnies. Most of them are now wedged in the tires.

Felicia: [to the video shop worker] Umm... , do you have "The Texas Chainsaw Mascara"?

[after their bus breaks down in the middle of the outback]

Tick: What's happening?

Felicia: Um, I don't know.

Bernadette: Oh, my God! Oh, Felicia. Where the Fuckawei?

Felicia: [after showing him the bus he had bought for their trip] Ta-da! What do you think?

Tick: When do we have to return it to the school?

Bernadette: Tony, Adam. This is Mr. and Mrs. Spencer.

Tick: Hello.

Felicia: Hello.

[the car drives off leaving them stranded]

Felicia: No, wait. Stop! Shit!.

Felicia: How long have we been on the road?

Bernadette: Four and a half hours.

Felicia: [to Bernadette] Come on, Bernice. It's so funny you'll laugh so hard your lashes will curl all by themselves.

Felicia: [to Tick and Bernadette] I met these Swedish tourists called... Lars, Lars and Lars.

Felicia: This old man he played two. He played knick-knack with my poo!

Felicia: [to Tick, about Bernadette] Hey, can you confirm a rumor for me? Is it true that her real name is Ralph?

Felicia: [to Tick] This is getting too weird. You, and a *woman*? What did she used do for kicks? Put a bucket on your head and swing off the handle?

Felicia: [to Tick] Congratulations, Missy, my darling, you did it. One lap of the Broken Hill main drag, in drag. That'll teach you to take on the Fairmont Boys School snap champion!

Tick: Well, listen to this one. After we did the ABBA show, Kevin had one of those liposuction penis enlargements.

Felicia: He didn't?

Tick: Yep. Do you know what they do? They siphon all the fat out of your love handles, and actually inject it into your wing-wang.

Felicia: Ugh! Yucky! I suppose it gives a whole new meaning to "cracking a fat", though, doesn't it?

[laughs]

Felicia: Well, girls, what can I say? Here's to a secret very well kept.

Bernadette: Shame it's not gonna stay that way, isn't it?

Bob: If you don't mind me asking, what kind of cabaret act do you do?

Felicia: We dress up in women's clothes and parade around mouthing the words to other people's songs.

Felicia: Who taught you to waltz?

Tick: My wife.

Felicia: Oh, how sweet.

Felicia: [to Frank and the boys] Who wants to see my map of Tasmania?

Felicia: [after Tick passes out] Come on, snap out of it. You'll be fine. Come on, love.

Tick: [coming to] Oh...

Bob: That's it, mate. You scared us all for a minute.

Felicia: Just had to have that extra bit of attention, didn't you? Nice one, lovey. Nice one.

[First Lines]

[Tick is hit in back of head with beer can, falls]

Felicia: Are you Okay?...

[Felicia grabs mic]

Felicia: Oh that was fucking charming, you gutless pack of dickheads.

Felicia: [to Tick] You haven't got any kids stashed away out there as well have you?

Felicia: [to Tick and Bernadette] So... All dolled up and nowhere to go.

Felicia: [to Bernadette] Sorry... Ralph.

Felicia: [to Tick] Oh! Oh, Mitzi! It's gabardine! I haven't seen gabardine for years!

Felicia: [to Bernadette] You fucking idiot! Oh!

[groans]

Felicia: Oh, fuck! Oh! Fuckin'... Oh! Fuck! Get off me, you fuckin'... Oh! Fuck!

Felicia: Oh, you can't do that with a ping pong ball!

Felicia: Oh god, Lester you are a miserable human being. You're not helping anybody! You're just twisting arms here for a lot of silly sons of bitches who are all out for themselves. You're kidding yourself if you think your new business partner is going to keep his hands off your girl. Or if she's going to keep her hands off of him!

Felicia: Be careful with those briefcases, they're worth more than what you make in a year!

Felicia: What were you thinking about when we were making love, Jerry? Cabana boys?

Steve Brooks: I don't believe it. I'm sitting with three beautiful woman who said they hated me. I got to be dreaming.

Margo Brofman: We still hate you.

Felicia: We decided you should be punished for the way you treat woman.

Liz: Oh, yeah, men like you just have to be stopped.

Steve Brooks: And how are you going to stop me?

Margo Brofman: We're going to kill you.

Steve Brooks: Oh, what a way to die.

Felicia: Goddammit, man! You gone made me hurt my dick hand.

Stu: Ooooh! I'm sure you're just as good with the other hand.

[Caller starts laughing]

Stu: Go away!

Felicia: I'll be back, bitch!

[to cyclist]

Felicia: Get out of my way!

The Caller: I was worried for you there, Stu. I thought she was going to poke an eye out with that... that *hand*.

Felicia: Get done in there, gotta hit this trick spot before the next bitch take my score.

Stu: Look, go away!

Felicia: Go away? Hang up the fuckin' phone, nigger!

[Stu looks at Felicia and then closes the booth]

Felicia: This motherfucker, you don't eyeball me. Bitch!

[Felicia walks away]

Felicia: You better get out of there before he come back and kick yo' ass.

Felicia: [sung to the tune of nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah] He gonna kick yo' aa-ass... he gonna kick yo' aa-ass...

Moose: Yeah, we're her crew! We're getting ready to battle at the streets.

Felicia: What street? Sesame Street?

Felicia: [to Noni about her mother] You know, it wasn't a monster who dragged you into my shop. It was a desperate mum who seemed like she'd do anything to make her kid's life better.

Felicia: Some would call it murder.

Mr. Hilditch: Murder?... We're not in this world to cause pain, dear. Of course - you have to think of yourself on occasion. I'm not saying you don't. But there are other people, too. Which is something you're daily more aware of as you grow older.

Felicia: Purity itself can surely wash the pain away.

Felicia: His mother's trying to keep him away from me.

Mr. Hilditch: Mothers can be difficult.

Felicia: ...and then she will be alone, pure destruction, achieved and supreme.

Felicia: Go back to sleep little boy, mommy's busy right now.

Sasha: Spit it out Felicia.

Felicia: Thats just the problem, I didn't.

Felicia: Jesus! It really is you.

Mr. Aaron: I'm not Jesus. But I appreciate the comparison.

[first lines]

Felicia: Each person who tries to see beyond his own time must face questions to which there cannot yet be proven answers.

[last lines]

Felicia: Each person who tries to see beyond his own time must face questions to which there cannot yet be absolute answers.

Felicia: This is no joke. This is not some old wives tale. This is a motherfucking cult! They start by draining the virgin's blood.

Karen: Aunt Felicia, Lily's not a virgin.

Uncle Melvin: Exactly.

Felicia: Well then a lesbian, which is good enough for the family.

Uncle Melvin: You're drunk.

Felicia: And who gave me my first drink?