Father Fyodor Quotes in The Twelve Chairs (1970)

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: You're not worth spitting on!

Father Fyodor: Oh yeah? Well, you are!

[spits]

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Why are you after my chair?

Father Fyodor: It's not yours.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Then whose is it?

Father Fyodor: It's nationalized property. It belongs to the workers

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Did you said the workers?

Father Fyodor: Yes, the workers.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Maybe the holy father is a member of the communist party.

Father Fyodor: Maybe.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: But the party is for atheists. How can a priest join the party?

Father Fyodor: The church must keep up with the times.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Why are you after my chair?

Father Fyodor: It's not yours!

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Then who's is it?

Father Fyodor: It's nationalized property! It belongs to the workers?

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Did you say "the workers"?

Father Fyodor: Yes, the workers!

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Maybe the Holy Father is a member of the Communist Party?

Father Fyodor: Maybe...

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: But the Party is for atheists. How can a priest join the PARTY?

[Kicks the priest in the shin]

Father Fyodor: [Grimacing from the kick] Mm... The Church must keep up with the times...

Father Fyodor: Oh, God! You're so strict!

Father Fyodor: A memento of your lovely home!

[to the family in Syberia, as he attempts to steal a chair, and they attempt to throw him out]

Father Fyodor: What detail. What fine workmanship. What a gorgeous chairrrrr!

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [They've torn one of chairs to pieces when Vorobyaninov realizes] How did you find out about the jewels?

Father Fyodor: [pause, then] People talk.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Why, you disgusting creature! You used the sacred sacrement of confession to further your own ends!

Father Fyodor: Not really.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: Well, you are just about the most contemptible creature it has even been my misfortune to meet! You're not worth spitting on!

Father Fyodor: Well, you are!

[He spits on Vorobyaninov]

Father Fyodor: [Bender is masquerading as a government official as Father Fyodor walks into the office to get information about the chairs] I am Vorobyaninov's son.

[Ostap stares at him]

Father Fyodor: His first-born. He was like a father to me.

Ostap Bender: So... you are Vorobyaninov's son.

Father Fyodor: Yes, I am.

Ostap Bender: [quickly] How old are you?

Father Fyodor: 46... 44.

Ostap Bender: Which is it?

Father Fyodor: 42... 42.

Ostap Bender: According to our records, Vorobyaninov is 53. That means that when you were born, your father was... 11.

[Father Fyodor gives an impressed whistle]

Father Fyodor: [to Madam Bruns] My dear lady... don't you understand?

[he goes totally manic]

Father Fyodor: I need those chairs!

Ostap Bender: [Father Fyodor has just handed supposed government official Ostap a pocket watch] Are you trying to bribe a Soviet official?

Father Fyodor: Oh, no, no, no, no, no... I was hoping for the best.

Father Fyodor: I want to grovel at your feet! I must grovel at your feet!

Madam Bruns: No groveling! There will be no groveling in this house! This is a Soviet household! We don't allow groveling!

Father Fyodor: [desperately trying to think of a motive to get the chairs from the Bruns] C'mon, brain!

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [Father Fyodor is on the top of a mountain, ripping a chair apart] It's very quiet... what do you supposed he's doing? Do you think he found the jewels?

Ostap Bender: In a moment, the jury will bring in a verdict.

[They wait]

Father Fyodor: Oh Lord, you're so strict!

Father Fyodor: Oh Lord... oh Lord, if this is your pun... ish... ment...

[he realizes that he's trapped on top of a mountain with no way down]

Father Fyodor: How did I get here? There's no way down... there's absolutely no way down! I'm gonna need a great deal of help to get down!

[he sees Ostap and Vorobyaninov leaving]

Father Fyodor: Boys! Oh, boys! Yoo-hoo, Vorobyaninov! I have always liked you, you know that? We come from the same village. For twenty-five years, I have been your priest... oh, for Christ's sake, get me down!

[they walk away]

Father Fyodor: Get... me... down!