Father Adam Guiteau Quotes in Vampires (1998)

Jack Crow: Let me ask you a question. When you were stabbing that vampire in there?

Father Adam Guiteau: Yeah?

Jack Crow: Did you get a little wood?

Father Adam Guiteau: Mahogany.

Jack Crow: Excuse me?

Father Adam Guiteau: Ebony.

Jack Crow: What?

Father Adam Guiteau: Teak.

Jack Crow: Are you possessed by demons?

Father Adam Guiteau: Major Chubby.

Jack Crow: Language, Padre, language!

Jack Crow: You ever seen a vampire?

Father Adam Guiteau: No, I haven't.

Jack Crow: No... Well first of all, they're not romantic. It's not like they're a bunch of fuckin' fags hoppin' around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents, all right? Forget whatever you've seen in the movies: they don't turn into bats, crosses don't work. Garlic? You wanna try garlic? You could stand there with garlic around your neck and one of these buggers will bend you fucking over and take a walk up your strada-chocolata WHILE he's suckin' the blood outta your neck, all right? And they don't sleep in coffins lined in taffeta. You wanna kill one, you drive a wooden stake right through his fuckin' heart. Sunlight turns 'em into crispy critters.

Jack Crow: Can I ask ya somethin, Padre? When I was kickin your ass back there... you get a little wood?

Father Adam Guiteau: What?

Jack Crow: When did she first bite you?

Montoya: Two days ago. I still covered your ass!

Jack Crow: Yes, you did. I say we owe you two days back. Whatya think, padre?

Father Adam Guiteau: You have two days.

[Just as Cardinal Alba is about to complete the ceremony by burning Jack at the stake, Father Guiteau shoots Alba in the back with a shotgun, killing him in the process. Valek, his followers, and Katrina growl and hiss]

Jack Crow: [shocked] Padre!

[Valek growls]

Father Adam Guiteau: [yells] Now, what are you gonna do, Valek? You've got nobody to complete your ritual! The sun's starting to rise!

Valek: You... will finish the ritual.

Father Adam Guiteau: [holds the shotgun to his head] Try to make me.

Jack Crow: Attaboy, Padre. Fuck with him!

[to Valek]

Jack Crow: Hey, Valek, you're shit outta luck, pal. Give it up!

[Valek grabs a burning torch and attempts to set Jack on fire. Guiteau removes the shotgun from his forehead]

Valek: Finish it.

Father Adam Guiteau: No.

Valek: [yells] Finish it!

Father Adam Guiteau: [screams] NO!

[Valek moves the torch closer to Jack's crotch]

Jack Crow: [groans] Come on, Padre. My nuts are on fire here!

Jack Crow: Padre... I'm beginning to like you... so don't make me hurt you, OK? Just tell me what you know... I'll buy you a beer and get you laid. Come on. If you don't tell me, I'm gonna have to start cutting on ya.

Father Adam Guiteau: No, you won't. You're a righteous man, Mr. Crow. Besides I serve a higher master than you. Any secrets I keep are to protect the church and its followers. Part of...

Jack Crow: [grabs Father Guiteau and pins him to the wall] Open your mouth.

Father Adam Guiteau: What?

Jack Crow: Open your mouth. Ah, yeah.

[shoves a towel in Guiteau's mouth]

Jack Crow: Gimmie your hand.

Jack Crow: [Jack cuts Giuteau's hand with his switchblade knife] Now listen to me, you fuck! My father kept a secret once. He got bit by a vampire. He kept it a secret from me and my mother. By the fifth day he was turning. That night he attacked my mother and then he came after me. I killed my own father, Padre. I got no trouble killin' you. Last chance.

[Padre gasping]

Jack Crow: Now open your motherfuckin' mouth.

Father Adam Guiteau: No.

Jack Crow: Open your fucking mouth! Then prepare...

Father Adam Guiteau: No!

[screaming]

Jack Crow: What? Are you ready? Excuse me? What?

Father Adam Guiteau: Valek - Valek is for an ancient relic, the Cross of Berseires!

Jack Crow: [after interogating the padre and getting him to confess] You're a good man padre... welcome to the team.

Father Adam Guiteau: [broken] May God forgive me.

Father Adam Guiteau: A master vampire, able to walk in the sunlight, unstoppable. Unless we stop him.

Jack Crow: Valek is the original! The source of the disease! The first vampire created by the Catholic Church...

Father Adam Guiteau: By accident...

Jack Crow: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

[a vampire has just snapped a metal cord that was being pulled by Montoya's jeep]

Father Adam Guiteau: You didn't tell me they could do that!

Jack Crow: I didn't *know* they could do that!