Evie Quotes in Man of the House (2005)

Teresa: [Sharp has a pizza delivered at dinner, while the girls all have homemade salads] What is that?

Roland Sharp: The Carnivore. Pepperoni, sausage, ground beef, ham and olive loaf all gathered together in one savory pie. With jalepenos. Want some?

Heather: Yes. No!

Roland Sharp: Extra thick crust.

Anne: I can't, I'm on the zone.

Roland Sharp: What zone?

Anne: The proper combination of protein, fat and carbohydrates.

Roland Sharp: This combination here is proper as hell.

Barb: I'm a total Atkins girl.

Evie: I'm on Weight Watchers, you'll probably blow all your daily points with just one bite.

Roland Sharp: This baby has one point and one point only, and that is tasting good.

Roland Sharp: I cannot hear myself think!

[turns off music]

Evie: Okay, as we involuntarily enter into this enforced period of silence, can I ask if there's any medication you forgot to take... or some I might recommend you should try?

Barb: Yes, like take a...

All Girls: CHILL PILL!

Roland Sharp: I only need one witness!

Barb: Get. Out!

Teresa: I'll tell you something about this daughter of yours that you know nothing about, she must be severely messed up in the head from living with you.

Roland Sharp: She lives with her mother.

Evie: Why did your marriage fall apart?

Roland Sharp: That is one of many things you and I will never discuss.

Barb: [off Roland's upset look and stops chewing her gum all of a sudden] Oh, do you want a piece?

Roland Sharp: No, I do not.

Barb: What, you don't like gum?

Roland Sharp: No. Chewing gum is the most significant factor in the decline of Western civilization.

Evie: The decline of what?

Evie: Which one of you boys would like the honour of loaning me an airplane.

RAF Officer: The RAF would be proud to loan Miss Tozer an aircraft.

Evie: [Blows him a kiss] I'll have it back in two weeks!

RAF Officer: Oh wait a minute, I thought you meant just for the night. Sorry.

[Silence]

Evie: Anyone Else?

[Pause]

Evie: No more heroes? So long boys.

[last lines]

Patrick O' Malley: You know, I only made one real mistake.

Evie: What was that?

Patrick O' Malley: I should have sold you when I had the chance.

Evie: [Interrupting Dan watching TV, after shutting it off] I love you.

Dan: How is that important? Give me the remote.

Evie: [Reading the letter] There will be a little one to take care of or *atleast* a bun in the oven.

Kate Fields: I don't even use my oven, literally or metaphorically.

Charlie: Oh my god, she just ate shit.

Evie: Is she dead?

Charlie: We gotta hide the body.

Friend: God, Evie, if you were going to turn gay, you'd think you could at least choose someone's who's pretty.

Evie: I didn't say I was gay. I said I was in love.

Randy: I don't want to shock you or anything, but I really want to hold your hand right now. I've been wanting to hold your hand all day.

Evie: I've held hands with a girl before.

Randy: With a girl like me?

Evie: No I guess not. But what's the worst that could happen?

Randy: We could get the shit kicked out of us is all.

Evie: Just for holding hands? I don't believe that.

Randy: God Evie, you are so sheltered.

Evie: [holding out her hand] Then unshelter me.

Evie: I know this sounds weird but I just can't put the air in the tires because I think they're going to blow up in my face.

Randy: Well, actually, you know, tires don't blow up from having air put in them, but um, I'll put some air in it if you want me to.

Evie: I'm at my wit's end. I really am. I don't know what to do anymore.

Randy: Try going out with a married woman.

Evie: Excuse me?

Randy: Oh nothing. I just said everybody needs love, that's all.

Evelyn Roy: Evie, do you have something you want to tell me?

Evie: What? No.

Evelyn Roy: Honey, if you can't tell me, you can't tell anyone. You know that.

Evie: Mom, why is it that every time I try to separate from you, which is a totally normal adolescent impulse, and in fact, crucial to my adult development, you come back with that weird thing about me telling you what I can't tell the rest of the world?

Randy: [after admitting she's having a fling with a married woman] You're not weirded out, are you?

Evie: No. No. Not at all. I mean, why should I be?

Randy: Well, most people are. At least most people at our school.

Evie: Well, I'm not most people.

Evie: I have to traverse my own landscape.

Evie: Listen, if you guys can't handle it, then you can just dump me right now and not be my friends any more. I'm telling you though, I am still the same Evie. If you can't take it, then you can just get up and leave and we'll never have to speak again.

Randy: What's symbiotic mean?

Evie: It means when you're really, really close to someone. Like, too close. Like um... an infant and its mother.

Randy: I knew that.

Randy: Evie, there's somebody downstairs. Evie! What if it's a murderer or something?

Evie: [nonchalantly] Okay.

Randy: [about Mozart's Requiem] What are they saying?

Evie: I have no idea. Something in Latin. Isn't it beautiful?

Randy: How do you know it's beautiful if you can't understand it?

Evie: You just know.

Evie: This is a really great cookbook... Antoine's. It's amazing.

Randy: Who's Antoine?

Evie: I don't know.

Randy: You don't know?

Evie: No.

Randy: Why do you have his cookbook?

Evie: I think that people should act out of love, not obligation.

Hayjay: Evie, why haven't we seen each other?

Evie: Why? Why is the sky blue, okay? Why does the earth turn? Why are people the way they are? Why isn't anyone fighting for change?

Hayjay: I don't know.

Evie: Why does Ted always tell you what to do? Why do you always listen to him?

Hayjay: Wait a minute, I'm asking you a simple question. It deserves a simple answer.

Evie: [to Julia] I wouldn't say this to your face, so I'll say it to your back... I missed you.

Evie: Coco, I've had more children pulled out of me than a burning orphanage.

Stevie: What have you ever done for me?

Evie: Carried you to term for starters. Coco would have had you sucked out for a phone number.

Evie: Then what is it?

Stevie: You know what it is... that family of four that you ran down.

Evie: It was a family of *six*, I only killed four... and who has a picnic in their own back yard?

Coco: Evie, have you ever been on morphine?

Evie: Once, when I had my eyes done... then every day for ten years after that, why?

Evie: [pointing out houses to Coco] June Allyson! You know, they offered me that Depends commercial. Lot of money, too. Just one little problem... I don't shit my pants!

Evie: What's wrong? Did my glass eye roll back?

Evie: [about Varla] Coco, she came by and she was a peach.

Coco: Were you drunk?

Evie: It was 12 noon... of course I was drunk.

Evie: It's like stealing money for free.

Coco: It *is* stealing money.

[Marla pulls out a gun at Evie's party]

Evie: Stevie, shield mommy.

Michael: You know, it's always been my dream to sleep with a big movie star.

Evie: Well, tonight may be the night your dream comes true.

Michael: Why, who's coming?

Evie: [to Varla] I'm sorry to hear your mother off'd herself.

Coco: Evie.

Evie: Oh, I'm sorry: 'Passed herself away'.

Coco: Your career was on hold ever since you killed that family of four.

Evie: It was a family of six, I only killed four. I mean, who has a picnic is their backyard anyway?

Evie: It's huge.

Evie: I admit my looks are starting to go.

Coco: Starting to go? Evie, your looks are at home and in bed.

Coco: Evie, what do you think about the idea of having a dog in the house?

Evie: [dragging on cigarette] I'm sorry, have I been staring?

Evie: My career was going like gangbusters until that family made me run them down.

Evie: Coco... friends?

Coco: Are you high?

Evie: A little bit, yes.

Evie: Hi, Jeff? You rammed into me today and I want seconds.

Coco: Evie. You were supposed to pick me up from the hospital.

Evie: I know, honey, but I really needed the extra sleep.

Coco: Evie, Varla said she was sorry for what she did...

Evie: I heard her.

Coco: Well, don't you think you said some things you could apologize for?

Evie: Like what?

Coco: You said she was all binge and no purge.

Evie: I did?

[laughs]

Evie: That's funny.

Evie: One drink? What's that?

Evie: So I said, why am I laughing? We're doing it doggy-style and your name is Barker!

Jeff: [looking at Evie's wall photographs] You knew Mary Tyler Moore?

Evie: Very well. Funny story... she has diabetes.

Evie: Nothing like the first puke of the day. Martini?

Evie: The house looks nice.

Coco: That's because we both were going to get up early to clean it. Remember?

Evie: I thought I'd just be in the way.

Coco: You were in the way. That's why I moved you to your bedroom.

Stevie: Hi Varla. Pretty name for a pretty girl.

Evie: It's also kind of a fat name, which works too.

Evie: That guy who hit us slipped me his number.

Stevie: He had to Mom, it's the law.

Evie: Well did he have to flirt with me while we waited for the cops?

Stevie: He said

[consulting notes]

Stevie: 'Look the fuck where you're going, you drunk corpse.'

Evie: It was more in his body language.

Evie: Mustard or mayonnaise?

[Hank looks up and is taken aback to see that the waitress is topless]

Hank Deerfield: Um... no thank you, ma'am.

Evie: Woman stands topless in front of you, "ma'am" could be taken as an insult.

Tracy: All of the sudden Medina has a ghetto booty?

Evie: I think she stuffs.

Astrid: That slut ain't got shit compared to these double cheeseburgers.

[shakes her butt]

Medina: Shake it, don't break it, bitch.

Astird: Fuck her.

[singing]

Evie: The itsy-bitsy spider dropped acid at the park...

Melanie: [When Evie walks on Melanie having a cigarette in her bedroom] Don't ever start smoking.

Evie: Is everything okay, Mel?

Melanie: Yeah.

[pauses]

Melanie: No. Evie, I'm sorry, but I think it's time for you to go home.

Evie: I can't go home. Brooke had a convention in Bakersfield. She said she sent you an e-mail.

Melanie: I guess I didn't check my E-mail.

[laughs nervously]

Evie: I'm sorry, Mel. I hope it's okay that I'm here.

Melanie: Well, I guess it's gonna have to be, isn't it?

Evie: Her boyfriend hits me, Mel.

[sits down on Melanie's bed and pulls her hair back to reveal a bruise on her neck]

Evie: He grabbed my throat and he threw me against his van.

Melanie: [gasps softly] Oh, Jesus.

[sits down beside Evie on the bed]

Melanie: Where's your mother, baby?

Evie: [sniffles] She - she passed away.

Melanie: I didn't have a mother when I was your age either. I know how hard it is. I do.

[she and Evie hug each other]

Brooke: We'll be moving up to Ojai so you won't be seeing Evie again. Ever. You're really cruel, Tracy. I mean, I'm sure you can be a sweet kid when you want to, but right now, you're a really bad influence. I mean, you cheat, you lie, you steal...

Tracy: [shouting in disbelief] Oh, my God! Are you kidding me? Where do you think I learned all this shit from?

[walks off into the kitchen]

Melanie: Tracy was playing Barbies before she met Evie.

[Melanie, Evie and Brooke follow Tracy into the kitchen]

Brooke: Did she teach you how to beat the crap out of her as well? I've seen the bruises.

Tracy: What the hell did you tell her, Evie?

Brooke: [turns to Evie] Come here. What about this?

[shows the scrape by Evie's hairline that Tracy accidentally made while the two girls were play-fighting]

Tracy: [shouts] What the fuck? We were just goofing.

Melanie: Tracy didn't hit her.

Evie: [starting to cry] Yes, she did.

Tracy: I don't believe this! She hit me too!

Brooke: [grabs Tracy's arm and struggles with her to pull back her sleeve] And look at this, Mel.

Tracy: Don't you dare! No! Please!

Melanie: Get your hands off her.

[Tracy starts to cry as the cuts on her arm are revealed when Brooke pulls down her sleeve]

Brooke: She cuts.

[Melanie looks stunned and horrified at the cuts on Tracy's arm]

Tracy: [crying] It's none of your business, you fucking Frankenstein!

Brooke: Oh, no, this child is my business, you little cunt.

Melanie: That's enough. You need to get out.

Brooke: [to Evie] Honey, come on.

[she and Evie slowly start to leave the house]

Melanie: [yelling] Get out!

Evie: [crying] Who would want to be in this shit hole anyway? It fucking stinks in here, Mel!

Tracy: [while lying in the afterglow after having sex with Javi] We are so perfect for each other. You know, if everybody married someone from a different race, then in one generation, there would be no prejudice.

Evie: [lies next to Tracy] So you had a good time?

Tracy: [Dreamily] Yeah, but it tasted kinda nasty.

Evie: [laughs] What? We didn't go over that one!

Tracy: [while outside Mason's open window] Hampton is my baby! He's my baby.

Evie: [while walking in front of the window] Hey, Mason. Move your G-string down South.

[pulls her thong over her shorts while shaking her butt]

Tracy: Dude, no! That is so gross. That's my brother. Oh, my God!

Evie: Maybe I'll marry into the family.

Tracy: [to Brooke] So you're a model?

Evie: She's a model-slash-actress.

Brooke: Mmm, slash-bartender who's about to be late for work.

Evie: [to Luke] How 'bout we make a Luke sandwich?

Luke: Um, how about you're jailbait?

Tracy: [speaking in gibberish] Why does my tongue hurt?

Evie: Maybe because you gave head.

Evie: [to Tracy] You don't know how to kiss, do you?

Tracy: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Yes, I do. Me and Noel practiced with "Cruel Intentions" like 50 times.

Evie: Right

Tracy: So, you want me to prove it, lesbo?

Evie: Hell, no!

[Tracy bends down and kisses Evie]

Evie: I barely even felt that.

Tracy: Well, see if you fucking feel this one, then!

[pushes Evie on the floor and kisses her more passionately]

Evie: Well, okay!

Brooke: Evie, goddamn it. Where's my other cutlet?

Evie: Incoming cutlet!

[throws the cutlet at Brooke which hits her from behind]

Evie: Something peed in your bed.

Evie: [while huffing computer duster] I hear this little wah-wah-wah inside my head...

Tracy: That's your brain cells popping!

Evie: We all have things that disable us John.

Dougie: You know what they say.

Evie: What?

Dougie: Caring is sharing.